02x01 - Still Still the King

[bunniefuu]

VERN: My story is one as old as time.

- You're Burnin' Vernon.
- That's me.

The guy from the ' s,
sang that one song.

My descent down to rock
bottom was just as swift.

After jail, I recruited my buddy Walt

to help me impersonate a preacher.

I needed some quick cash to
pay off my baby mama, Debbie,

for my -year-old daughter, Charlotte.

Say what?

Debbie's boyfriend, Ronnie,
got himself blown up.

Debbie was left with a little secret.

I'm pregnant.

VERN: I found myself back in jail.

- This sucks.
- VERN: Like I said,

it's a tale as old as time.

♪

♪ You good? ♪

♪

♪ Do you ever sit alone ♪

♪

♪ Staring at your phone ♪

♪

♪ A bit misunderstood ♪

♪

♪ You good? ♪

♪

♪ Mmmm ♪

♪ You good ♪

I'm gonna miss having
you on the inside, Vernon.

Time's up.

♪

♪ Still the King ♪

♪

Almost there.

[alarm beeping]

Are you kidding me?

♪

Come on, soap man.

I'm gonna miss you, you
slippery son of a bitch.

♪

[buzzer sounds]

MALE GUARD: Walter Murray, time to go.

Oh, already?

I didn't get around to
showering this morning.

♪

♪

Guys!

♪

Over here!

♪

[bird cawing]

He started digging that dang tunnel

first day we was in there.

How far did ya make it?

Like more minutes, I
would have been home free.

But you're home now.

It's just not the same.

Here you go, boys. Hope you're hungry.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Half of what they fed us in there

tasted like wet, rotten cabbage.

Especially the cabbage.

You have no idea how boring
it was without you two.

Mm. It's good to be seen, little lady.

Well, you know what?

How 'bout we do a sh*t to celebrate?

Alrighty.

How you like it here, Deb?

It's cool.

You know, low pressure.

I don't have to take
the work home with me.

Hey, what about you? Pour you one.

Oh, um...

Oh, you know, I can't drink on the job.

Well, what in the hell's the
sense in working here, I'd say.

Maybe to pay the mortgage.

Well, we all got our
priorities, I reckon.

Mom, why won't you
tell him the real reason

- you're not drinking?
- Sssh.

He just got out.

It's not the right time.

Okay, when's the right time?

I'm tired of keeping this a secret.

- You just...
- DOILY: [laughing]

How are my two favorite parolees, huh?

Fellas, it's been forever.

We saw you yesterday, Doily.

Yeah, but you can't hug
through prison bars, huh?

- Huh? You can't.
- Not for the lack of trying.

Best first night out of
prison I can ever remember.

Free beers, fried chicken, whoo.

Beers aren't free, Vern.

Well, excuse me, fellas.

Alright, alright.

Seriously, man, how long has it been?

Like hours.

Nah, come on, how long's it been?

Eleven hours.

Hey, Deb... I just wanted
you to know I'm really sorry

about Ronnie getting k*lled
in that boat accident.

It's tragic.

If there's anything I
can do, you let me know.

Well, thank you, Vernon.

Actually, um... there is something

I wanted to talk to you about.

Ronnie's stuff in the basement, you know,

I just... I don't know
what to do with it.

Are you talking about all
that boat crap downstairs?

It's nautical memorabilia,

you know, so I don't
wanna just throw it out.

Do you know anyone who might want it?

I don't know a whole lot of sailors,

but I guess I can ask around.

So now that you're a free
man, what's your plan?

Or do you even have one?

All I know for sure
is, being on the inside

helped me realize...
I made this whole mess.

My career.

Missing out on my little girl growing up.

I did all that.

I did it to myself.

[sighs]

Now I just wanna get back to the real me.

My music.

Even if it means living in my car.

I think that's great.

You do?

Yes, Vern, I've always
been a fan of your music.

You don't have to sleep in your car.

Alright, just stay in the basement.

This is strictly platonic.

Well, wait a minute now.

Uh, platonic doesn't
mean we can't fool around

now and again, does it?

That's exactly what platonic means.

Looks like table three's
almost ready for their check.

Do you mind settling up with
them and locking up tonight?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.

Thanks.

My sitter just sent me
a picture of a bite mark

courtesy of my four-year-old.

This is Vern.

Vern this is Kaitlyn.

She owns the bar.

Pleasure to meet you, Ma'am.

The pleasure's all yours.

I've heard stories.

Thanks, Debbie.

Good to know my
reputation is still intact.

You reap what you sow.

Oh, look who's the preacher now.

If you can do it, apparently anyone can.

Uh, look at us bantering on
like an old married couple.

Next thing you know,
we'll be arguing over

which side of the bed to sleep on.

Not gonna happen, Vern.

You're in the basement... on a cot.

Hey, check it out.

Who wants a free game of pool?

I got a better idea.

♪

♪ Drop it down low,
make the rooster crow ♪

♪ Stand there, tattooed,
doing her thing ♪

♪ Driving me wild,
like I'm going insane ♪

♪ It won't take much,
'bout three or four drinks ♪

♪ She can get loose,
not worry 'bout shame ♪

♪ Drop it to the flat
line, rattle that cage ♪

♪ Them boys at the bar
messing round, get rage ♪

♪ Try moving in fast,
she tell ya get going ♪

♪ Girl is shaking that
ass to her favorite song ♪

♪

♪ Drop, drop drop ♪

♪ Drop, drop drop drop,
drop, drop drop, drop ♪

♪ Drop it down low low ♪

♪ Drop, drop drop drop,
drop drop drop ♪♪

[rooster crows]

Hell's far.

Look like somebody had a damn party.

_

What the hell?

Hey, Deb, look what I found.

BOTH: Morning, Vernon.

- Sheri and I were...
- Sheila.

Sheila and I were just
bonding over our taste in men.

Yeah. Debbie suggested
perhaps I shouldn't sleep

in stranger's basements
with men twice my age

who live in basements.

Sounds like pretty solid advice.

Hi, honey.

Um, this is your dad's friend Sheila.

She just stopped by
for an early breakfast.

Okay, mom, please.

Vernon, gross.

And no offense, Sheila.

None taken.

You know what? I'm actually late, so...

- [phone dings]
- Look, that's my ride.

Thanks for the coffee.

Yeah, it's nice meeting you.

VERNON: You can just leave
the shirt at the door there.

[indistinct whispering]

Please tell me she's at least in college.

She's working her way through law school.

You'd think she'd be
a little bit smarter.

[indistinct whispering]

[whispers] Stop.

Have you figured out what
to do with Ronnie's stuff?

Well, I believe this
may have some answers.

Where did you find this?

Well, I was organizing Ronnie's stuff,

and came across it. You ever seen it?

I didn't even know about it.

Where are we gonna play this thing?

.

[laughs] Yeah.

I mean, who even has VCRs anymore?

[doorbell rings]

Now, do you want VHS or BETA?

Because depending on the year
the tape was made and its size,

either format could be
applicable to these recorder.

Okay.

If you are watching this, it's probably

because some tragedy has befallen me,

and the nation mourns for me.

The time has come for ol' Ronnie
to shed this beautifully toned

mortal coil and move
into the great beyond.

The great adventure at sea in the sky.

[static buzzes]

First, my mortal
remains will be cast atop

a gilded vessel such as such

while a choir of Valhalla's Knights

sings my praises with timeless classics

from badass martial arts' movies.

A lone archer will let loose

a single arrow...[shoooo]...

catching the pyre and my
mortal remains ablaze. Ow.

He does not look Nordic at all.

He's Scots Irish.

Um...

Maybe he's just joking around.

Just to be clear, this is not a joke.

Failure to service these
requests will result

in a nonstop haunting by me,

Ronnie, forever, ever...

Well, I don't want a Ronnie poltergeist.

But there's no way I
can pull all this off.

- RONNIE: ...ever...
- Now let's not get

our collective panties in a wad here.

I'll go downstairs and see if I
can find a sequel to this thing.

MAN: My boy, my boy.

Debbie got us living down
here in a Ronnie junkyard.

I feel like I'm caught in a trap.

I can't walk out without
getting some of Ronnie's [bleep]

on my blue suede shoes.

You got that right.

MAN: I got an idea for you, son.

Ronford wants a floating
funeral, what better way

to get rid of him and
his memory than put him

on a float of fire and get
rid of all this nautical crap.

I think I catch our drift.

Hey, good news and bad news!

Bad news is I didn't find another tape.

The good news is, all we gotta
do is work together as a team,

divide up the task, and we can do this.

- Really?
- Yes.

I mean, I'll be charge

of the floating funeral boat fire deal.

I can load up all of Ronnie's stuff.

And, Walt, I bet you
know stuff about Vikings.

Well, I mean, I'm no expert,
but I studied a little bit on.

Come on, what do you say?

Let's do this!

- Come on, we can do.
- Really?

Everybody! Together now!

[whip lashes]

Doily, how'd you get in here?

You guys leave your
windows unlocked at night.

That's not a good idea, it's dangerous.

Anyway, one, two, three!

Family!

Family!

Family!

Family.

Did you come in through a window?

Yeah, bedroom window, yeah.

I think you should really stick with Mom.

Hey, Deb, why don't you ride with me?

Go for it. I can drive.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Does it smell like stripper in your car?

Uh, just a little bit.

Am I gonna get glitter on my ass?

Let's hope so.

Here, let me get the
door for you, my lady.

Here you go.

What's first on your list there?

Uh, great.

I just never understood spending
a bunch of money on a fancy box

just to drop it in a dirt hole.

I think it's nice to show
appreciation for someone

when they're gone.

I think it's nice to show
appreciation for someone

while they're still here.

[door creaks]

Vernon, look, I need to
talk to you about something.

Well, hey, folks, can I help ya?

Hey, Haus, these things
sure ain't cheap, are they?

Oh, trust me, sir, we receive
them at wholesale prices,

and there's very little markup.

This one looks nice.

This is our top-of-the-line model

with all the bells and whistles.

That thing got cup holders.

Yeah, my father recently passed away

and took two tall boys with 'im.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he sick?

Actually, he was the picture of health.

We was on a family camping trip.

And he was involved in a bear att*ck.

- Whoa!
- Oh my God.

[crying]

Um, I'm sorry, sir, how much is this one?

Question for you.

Would you buy a new car without
taking it for a test drive?

No.

And yet you will not spend eternity

in your car.

Well, evidently, you've never
been a struggling musician.

Which is why you should take

this beauty for a test spin.

How's that?

Come on, get in.

No, I'm good.

No, no, no, no. Trust me, sir.

The first time I laid
in this, I was sold.

If I'm lying, I'm dying.

♪

Trust me, that whole Viking
funeral boat burning thing

is kind of a myth.

I mean, boats were far too valuable

to go around burning

every time some horn-headed
goon bit the dust.

[laughs]

But don't get me wrong.
I do wanna burn something.

Okay, obviously, I do, too.

- Well, all we gotta do is...
- Here you guys are.

Hey! I can't find
flaming arrows anywhere.

You do know they're just regular arrows

that you later set on fire?

That makes way more sense.

Come on, Doil, let me
handle the pyrotechnics.

I mean, I've blown up a ton of crap.

Also, I don't know anything
about flower arrangements.

Neither do I.

Well, as luck would have it,

I know a lot about flower arrangements.

Having spent thousands
of dollars on them,

trying to win my ex-wife Cynthia back.

Did it work?

♪

All in good time, Charlotte.

All in excruciatingly painful
months and years of waiting

for the tiniest glimpse of hope's time.

♪

Uh.

Talking to myself again.

Gotta stop doing that, Doily.

Mm, it's a little tight.

Well, trying folding your arms like this.

Whoo. That is comfy.

I find the full effect to
be helpful in purchasing.

Oh, no, no, we're good, we're good.

- We'll take this one.
- Oh, good.

How much is it?

Let's see. What you need, see,

is a good seal to keep
out the dirt and moisture.

You don't want the insects
or vermin to be able

to dig their way inside.

Look, Haus, I know what
you're trying to do here,

taking advantage of a grieving woman,

pushing your big, expensive caskets.

Point is, there's no body.

I mean, the guy was
blown to kingdom come.

Went up like a cheap
piñata full of gasoline.

I mean, nothing left but
burnt charcoal, fish food.

Vernon!

Listen, Dan, we're
operating on a string budget.

And especially, it's gonna stay empty.

Oh.

Well... that is a horse
of a different color.

I think I got an idea that
will make you both happy.

♪

[car horn blaring]

♪ History repeats itself ♪

♪ Try and you'll succeed ♪

♪ Never doubt that you're the one ♪

♪ And you can have your dreams ♪

I just don't know what
she sees in the guy.

- You know what I'm saying?
- That's great.

Hey, Mabel, where did
you find this kids' choir?

Has Mom told Vernon yet?

No, she keeps putting it off.

But what if it's his?

I know, that's the awkward thing.

I mean, I'd tell him myself,
but I'm not the pregnant one.

Come on, let's go.

MABEL: Wow.

Yeah, I thought Ronnie said a selection

of his most treasured possessions.

VERN: Well, Ronnie cared
about a lot of crap.

Besides, you don't want
that stuff hanging around,

reminding you guys of Ronnie.

And, what, cluttering
up your bachelor pad?

You don't get sassy with me, young lady.

And don't think I can't smell
whiskey from a mile downwind.

Give me that.

Whoo!

You know this stuff will k*ll ya?

You think he'll tell my dad?

He's a lot of things, but he's no snitch.

People often ask me what I saw in Ronnie.

Especially his mother.

I guess when it comes down it...

I just never met anyone like him.

I mean, Ronnie was Ronnie.

You never really saw him do something

he didn't fully commit to doing.

You know, especially when
it came to his kara-tay.

He loved the martial arts,
low-intensity workouts.

And he loved me.

And most important, Ronnie was loyal...

to me, Charlotte, our family.

I'll always be grateful for that.

And last, but certainly not least,

Ronnie loved boats of all kinds.

So we've gathered here
today on the shores

of this beautiful lake
where Ronnie was last seen.

He asked that this poem be read.

[clear throat]

"By the grace of Oden's spear,"

"I bequeath unto you,"

"Mother Ocean, the remains"

"of one of your fallen warrior sons."

"He will soon will alight
on the shores of Ascar..."

Ascard.

"He will soon alight
on the shores of Ascard"

"and reign forever by Oden's side."

Goodbye, Ronnie, we'll miss you.

MALE OFFICER: Freeze!

Don't you dare sh**t that arrow!

It's against the law to
burn your trash on the lake.

Do not do that or else.

Or else what?

Like it's a $ fine.

I got five bucks.

I've got like ...

cents.

I got seven dollars and...

uh, cents.

I have dollars in Buffalo nickels.

Alright, I got $ . .

Okay, we're all square.
You're good to go.

That was some quick math.

♪

♪ Oden's son ♪

♪ Oden's son ♪

♪

♪ Oh... ♪

sh**t.

Alright.

Aim higher.

Try to let the wind catch it.

♪

♪ Oden's son ♪

♪ Oden's son ♪

♪

[crowd gasps]

Holy!

I did not see that coming.

[bird cawing]

I'm pregnant, Vernon,
and it might be yours.

♪

[splash]

Okay, probably not the best time.

♪