02x07 - The Hungover Games

[bunniefuu]

VERNON: Previously on "Still The King"...

How 'bout that whole starting fresh idea

you were talking about?

Seems like you two got

a pretty hot and heavy weekend planned.

Couldn't ask for a
better man to be my side.

Okay, I don't need a
babysitter. I'm fine.

- You can trust me.
- You said I could trust you.

Your mama is gonna be pissed.

This is it, Deb.

We get to role with
the top stallions now.

Hope that doesn't make things
weird between you and Reggie.

Let's not worry about Reggie tonight.

It's a special song I wrote
about a special young lady.

I'm not gonna make you the
biggest star in country music.

I'm trying to make you the
biggest star in the world.

♪

Uh, it's getting late.

I should probably go home.

Oh, come on.

You're .

You don't have a curfew.

Do you?

Not since I was like , which...

which feels like a lifetime ago.

BOTH: [laughing]

Uh, guys, I know I said I'd

be designated driver tonight,

but this is getting kinda uncomfortable.

I mean, I can hear your tongues.

♪

[gasps]

Kinda pushing curfew, sweetie.

Phef! Curfew.

It's like five 'til.

Charlotte Ann Cooke, are you drunk?

No. Are you drunk?

- [crash]
- Excuse me, lamp.

[door creaks]

Ah!

I guess you're drunk, too.

And high.

♪

♪ Still the king ♪

- [crash]
- Excuse me, lamp.

She apologized to a lamp, Ronnie.

Yeah, well, you did
raise a polite young lady.

Sober people don't do that.

♪

[whispers] Look, she wants water.

[gulping]

Do you want me to talk to her?

Oh, yeah, from the guy
who's drinking a beer at ?

We ran out of orange juice.

[sighs]

♪

What?

I'm afraid our daughter's
a little too much

like her daddy, that's what.

How old were you when you
started sneaking drinks?

Uh, Ruthie ran a tight ship.

So I was probably about...
eight or nine, I guess.

One time she caught me
stealing some of her rum,

so she made me finish the
whole handle for punishment.

Which is why, to this
day, I can't drink rum

without a little bit of cola.

Charlotte came stumbling in last night.

And I don't know what to do.

She's anything like me,
that first hangover was just

about enough to put me off
rum for the rest of my life.

- But it didn't.
- Uh-huh.

Maybe that wasn't the best example.

I think we gotta make this
the worst hangover in history.

- That's right.
- Yeah?

Mm, I love the way your mind works, babe.

Mwah. Count me in.

Alright, Operation Sober Charlotte.

I'm gonna need a new beer.

Check.

And to find my vuvuzela.

If you'll excuse me.

You and Ronnie seem pretty cozy.

I didn't realize you all back together.

We're not back together... exactly.

When you all went away on that trip,

you all pushed your little beds together

made one giant sex bed, didn't you?

Vernon Brown, are you jealous?

Jealous?

I don't have a jealous bone in my body.

As a matter of fact, if
you wanna be with Ronnie,

I'm happy for you.

Good. I'm happy that you're happy.

Pfft.

Rotate the dish about
four degrees northwest.

- What?
- This way. This much.

[electricity buzzing]

- Anything?
- No. Wait.

No. Wait. No.

Come on. Either they're
talking to you or not.

Maybe we need more aluminum foil.

- Can I put my arm down?
- Yeah, okay.

Listen, Dale, I wanna ask
your advice about something.

sh**t.

Hypothetically, you were a
guy who liked a girl who just

recently broken up with another
guy, how long do you think

that guy should wait before
he asked the girl out?

Hmm. A Contopee Tribesman
holds a piece of fruit

underneath his armpit
for one full moon cycle.

He then presents this piece
of fruit to a potential mate

to gage her interests.

Alright, let's assume that
guy's not a Contopee Tribesman.

Two weeks.

But keep it cool and casual.

Groups of friends are good.

Like a Yeti tracking party?

No, man, like a movie, concert, games.

Games are good.

As long as it's not charades.
I'm terrible at charades.

Sssh. No, I know, but don't say that.

So I forgot to ask you earlier.

I'm having a game night
at my house tonight,

just like a group of friends.

Super casual. Keeping it cool.

Wanna come?

♪

DEBBIE: Morning, sunshine!

Or should I say afternoon.

It's almost o'clock.

- Ronnie!
- [vuvuzela blows]

You found the vuvuzela!

[vuvuzela blows]

Oh my God, are you feeling okay?

Yes, I feel fine.

Get your hands off me.

Oh, there's just no reason
that you might be feeling

just a little under
the weather today, huh?

[sighs]

Nope. Never better.

Because you know if you were hungover

from drinking last night
you'd be grounded, right?

- [vuvuzela blows]
- DEBBIE: Good.

Good thing I'm not then.

Good. 'Cause guess what?

You're coming to help me at work today.

[vuvuzela plays]

Come on, missy!

♪

What the... what's up with
the dog-tourage out there?

Oh, that my friend, is
my number-one moneymaker.

Master Frenchie.

Last video got over . million hits.

And every million hits, he wants
a new rider in his contract.

You know how hard it is to find
five blond chi-weenie groupies?

Very particular that one.

The only thing I ever had in my rider

was a case of whiskey, a bag of Columbia.

Two bags if it was a doubleheader.

[laughing]

See, that's exactly why I
wanted to talk to you, man.

You have a reputation
as a bit of a bad boy.

In a profession made up
of alcoholics, adulterers,

and degenerates, that means a lot to me.

I got a brand-new client, and
she's got the opposite problem.

Now, she's Goody Two-Shoes,

and she wants to dirty
up her image a bit.

Well, what makes her
such a Goody Two-Shoes?

No, no, not a Goody
Two-Shoes, the Goody Two-Shoes.

From the show.

Okay, girls, looks like we
got another crime to solve.

[stock audience laughter]

BOTH: Ready, shoes?

Start walking.

Oh, here we go again.

Cute.

Anyway, Regina Harper.

I'll relaunching her as a country singer.

And I just need to give her
some of that Nashville cred,

you know what I'm saying?

Oh hell no, man.

I got stuff to do, man.

Like band practice, writing songs.

I'm trying to get my
career back on track, man.

Which really, to be honest, is
which you outta be focusing on.

I mean, you're sitting
here trying to talk me

into babysitting some child star?

Oh, she's not a child anymore.

♪

If it's that important
to you, I'm happy to help.

DEBBIE: Whew!

You used to think it was so much fun.

Oh, I just love this.

Oh, stop sign. Sorry.

- Are you alright?
- Amazing.

Oh, is he going?

Is it our turn?

Is he going to... is it
our... oh, is he going?

Oh, okay, we're good.

[tires squeal]

You'd go, "Go, swervy, Mom."

Go, swervy. Go swervy, Mom."

Deb, you think we can pull over?

♪

Here you go, baby.
Drink some ginger-ale.

It'll make you feel better.

Um, could I get one of those?

Oh, what's the matter?
Are you feeling queasy?

Nope. Actually, I feel fine.

[whispers] She's hungover
as hell and won't admit it.

I'm gonna cr*ck her.

- KAITLYNN: Is he hungover, too?
- No, he's just carsick.

He's got a sensitive stomach.

Hey, sweetie.

Will you just sort through
these bar rags for me

and just kinda figure out
which ones smell rancid?

What's with the rags?

- I wanna make her puke.
- Oh, yeah, you do.

I wanna puke just looking at that.

Oh, howdy, Deb.

I didn't expect you to be here.

I work here, Vernon.

Oh, I didn't know you was working today.

I hope this won't be too awkward.

Wouldn't want anybody to get jealous.

Jealous of what?

♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪

MEN: [spitting]

Oh my God, there you are.

Mwah.

CHARLOTTE: Is that Goody Two-Shoes?

Oh my God, I watched your show
like all the time as a kid.

Do you remember?

Do you remember the
twins? Lucy and Lily Shoe.

You got a twin? Whoo-hoo!

Nope. Both me.

Regina Harper, by the way.

Not that anyone ever calls me
anything but Goody Two-Shoes.

- Right.
- Will you please do the thing?

- The... the ready, shoes, start...
- I don't say that anymore!

[laughs]

So what are you kids up to tonight?

Oh, dinner, dancing, drinking.

- More drinking, more dancing.
- Whoo!

Whatever the night calls for.

Whatever happens, I am up for it!

So how 'bout yourself?

What have you got planned with this one?

Yeah, well, okay.

I'll let you have fun with that.

We got a party to get to.

Come on, baby, let's light it up.

Hold up, hang on.

Oh, and don't forget to
follow me on Instagram.

We got things to do,
too. We're gonna, um...

- "Spider-Man"?
- "Field of Dreams"?

"Flipper"?

Really?

- You're not doing anything!
- "All Dogs Go To Heaven."

Oh, oh, "A River Runs Through It."

I think we have the same brain.

- Yeah!
- That's five in a row.

He wasn't even running or making a river.

He was just standing there
like a lump twitching his hands.

Get over it, guys.

Obviously Walt and I are just really...

BOTH: ...in sync.

[laughing]

Who's hungry?

I'm gonna get some more cheese.

Dale, take my turn.

[laughs and grunts]

"Mystic Pizza."

Uh...

"Are You There, God...
It's Me, Margaret."

He's saying you should
follow her to the kitchen.

Man, you really suck at charades.

Shut up, Terry.

RONNIE: Oh, sweet Jesus.

Well, it's been a while
since we cleaned this.

Well, it's not gonna scoop itself.

Yeah, just get the scoop
down in there, you know?

Oh, sweetie, we'll be
here all day like that.

You gotta get some up in there.

I wish we had a bigger scoop.

You know, maybe just use your
hands... and get... you know,

get all in the corners down in there.

That might be easier for you, baby.

What, you mean like this?

Yeah.

♪

Looks like there's some
like chunks in there.

I can't believe people get paid for this.

♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

[shutter snaps]

Okay, can you at least pretend

like you're having a good time?

Courtney says we've
gotta sell this thing.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just
thinking about something.

I think it's more like someone.

I don't get hung up on women.

Women get hung up on me.

♪

MAN: Come on, Kevin.

♪

So then I got out of jail.

I moved back in with
Debbie and Charlotte.

And everything was great.

Then the other baby daddy
came back from the dead.

And everything kinda
went downhill from there.

Wow.

You gotta put some of this
heartbreak into a love song.

It's a country songwriter's wet dream.

Nah. I've been kicking around
some ideas about Debbie,

writing some things.

But I'm not really a love song
kinda guy, you know what I mean?

I don't even think I believe
in all that love crap.

Come on, Vernon. Don't
be so hard on love.

Hard on love, now that's a smash.

Look at that, chill bumps.

Listen, just put your cards on the table.

Be vulnerable, tell her how you feel.

Any other options?

Come on, Vernon.

If you didn't love her,
you wouldn't be you.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't be me?

Ha! That's the title!

You're a genius!

Look at that! Double chill bumps!

Now let's make Debbie
want you like it's !

Come on!

♪

DEBBIE: You're not feeling well?

Just a quick catnap.

Oh, good, because I brought
you a little something to eat.

[slopping sounds]

Mmm.

Yum, yum, yum.

[clears throat]

Delicious.

So... clammy.

Oh, she's good.

She's good, I'll give her that.

I gotta up my game.

Can't you just ground
her on suspension alone?

- That's what parents used to do.
- I know.

If you're really, really
hungover, what is the one thing

you wouldn't be able to keep down?

- Booze.
- Booze?

REGINA: [laughing]

VERNON: That water deep, too.

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

Alright, everybody!

Let's get this party started!

Tequila sh*ts, all around!

ALL: [cheering]

Let's do this thing!

We're going Dutch, right?

You heard her, folks!

Come on up!

You know, when someone
buys a round for the house,

it's bad luck unless everyone drinks.

Come on, that would make me
the worst mom on the planet.

Look at her.

There's no way she'll
actually be able to drink it.

I guess you guys had fun.

Oh, you weren't following us on the Gram?

Oh no, I wasn't.

Awh, that is so cute.

You know, maybe next time,
if you hold the camera higher,

you won't get Vernon's double chin.

What double chin?

Well, let's try for a really good one?

Do you mind?

- No.
- Thank you.

You know, Vernon, can...
your chin's doing the thing.

- Oh, that's cute.
- [shutter snaps]

- No double chin in that one.
- Oooh, that's sexy!

Hashtag Nashville with my boo.

Hashtag hands off, he's mine.

So classy.

If you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna put some tequila in front

of my underage daughter
and hope it makes her puke.

Okay, you two have a
really weird relationship.

Uh, did she seem jealous at all to you?

I don't know.

- It always worked on Bob.
- Who's Bob?

Okay, I need to hit the
little cowgirl's room.

Don't go anywhere, Verny.

sh*ts all around at the bar,

and it's bad luck if
everyone didn't drink.

You know it's tradition to smell

a fine tequila before sipping.

[sniffs]

Oh, she is something else, ain't she?

Oh, she is really is
something else, Verny.

Yeah.

Why don't you just admit
you're jealous of that sweet,

young thang hanging all over me?

Why don't you just admit that
you're jealous of the idea

of Ronnie and me together?

Ha! I'm not jealous of Ronnie.

- Holy crap, is that Bob?
- Bob?

Oh my God, it's Bob.

Who the hell is Bob?

Hi, I'm Bob.

- [thud]
- CROWD: [gasps]

Oh, here we go again.

♪

REGINA: Baby.

Oh, there's my naughty little girl.

[moaning]

Didn't he play her dad?

REGINA: Mwah.

Ooh, I saw you getting cozy
on the Gram with this loser,

so I took the first flight
out so I could b*at his ass.

That is so sweet.

I know. I'm like a hero, right?

Mission accomplished.

Thanks, Vernon.

You're welcome.

Okay, baby.

I think we got a crime to solve.

Ready, shoes?

Start walking.

BOB AND REGINA: [laughing]

I'm really glad you guys came.

Yeah, it's great to get to
hang out outside of work.

I mean, not work, but you
know, the business of solving

the universe's mysteries.

No, it's cool to spend
regular time with you.

Yeah, it is nice.

Reggie, what are you doing here?

We agreed that we were on a break.

And why are you all muddy?

I needed to see you.

I thought about all the
good times we had and...

I wanted to get you flowers.

But they were closed.

Ended up buying these stupid
balloons off of some dumb clown.

And my car d*ed.

Which is just super sad.

And then I even did the thing
where I fell to my knees,

and I looked up in the
sky, and I yelled, "Why?"

Which is when I fell into a puddle.

[sobbing]

What the hell's he doing here?

I invited him.

It's game night.

God, I miss game night.

You hated game night!

That was back before I
needed to impress you.

This is the new me.

Reggie, baby, let me get you a towel.

I got you these balloons.

They say, "Happy Birthday, Sam."

You tell anybody how
deep my emotions are,

I swear I will kick your ass.

Okay. Looks like you guys
need to work some stuff out.

I'm gonna leave you alone.

Hey, do we have any more rosé?

Okay.

Wow.

Just... wow.

Well, you know how
much I like game night.

Mm-hmm.

What you want me to do, Regg?

Just tell me.

Just don't make me choose sides.

It's tearing me apart!

Kenny, get over here, you.

Uh!

♪

Mm, okay, fine, I was drunk last night.

And today, I'm extremely hungover.

And I even think about drinking
that, I am going to vomit.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

And that's how you do it.

Thanks to your sketchy parenting skills,

I do not foresee myself
drinking anytime soon.

That's all I wanted was you
just to admit it and be honest.

And suffer enough to make
you stay away from booze

for like the next five years.

You know, it's pretty ironic
that the hangover itself

was punishment, huh?

[laughs] No, you're so grounded.

Mm, I figured.

Well, can Ronnie drive me home
so I can start being grounded?

No problem.

But we're gonna stick
to the flat roads only.

I love you. Be careful.

Alright. Tootles.

♪

Boy, that damn Bob was
just a quick little son...

That was a classic sucker punch.

Yeah.

Well, well, well.

Look here who is on Instagram.

Okay, fine.

I was maybe... maybe

just slightly jealous.

Now you finally admit
you're jealous of Ronnie.

Ha.

Me? Jealous?

I told you, baby, I just
ain't the jealous type.

So...

So... you'd be okay if he
moves back into my bedroom?

Sure. Hell yah.

More the merrier, I say.

Get his ass out of the
basement, more room for me.

Um, good.

I'll let him know.

Do that.

Uh-oh.

Damn clams ain't sitting too well.

♪

[vomiting]

MAN: Dude, you're gonna clean that up.

- Sorry.
- Cool beans.

[vomiting]

[girl giggling]