03x18 - Chapter Sixty-Two

[bunniefuu]

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All righty,
to catch you up: as a child,

Jane's grandmother taught
her to protect her flower.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But now our Jane
was ready to have her first fling.

With Fabian.
But then she learned that he's...

- I'm sort of saving myself.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So, yeah,

she wasn't expecting that.

And she thought she'd end it,

but then she had the best night ever.

Seriously, it was epic.
And, speaking of epic,

Xo and Ro are engaged!
To each other this time.

Oh, and Rafael declared
his love for Petra.

I do have feelings for you.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
But she missed the call.

Because she was with her new boyfriend,
Chuck,

who might have k*lled Scott.

Scott's burn book mentioned
someone named J.P.

Those initials mean anything to you?

"J.P." is short for "jerky pants."

It's what we used to call
the horrible man who wanted

to buy hotel next door
because he was always

eating jerky of the gators.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: FYI: that weirdo's

her twin sister. But
that's not the point.

The point is that Petra
could be in real danger.

So, yeah... love, sex, danger.

Let's get to it already.

You may or may not be
surprised to hear this,

but young Jane Gloriana Villanueva

had a recurring nightmare

throughout her childhood.

- (cackling)
- (Jane screams)

All the way into her teen years.

Yup. That damn flower.

Couple that with Jane's
tendency to romanticize,

and, well, it often led

to our Jane getting a little
ahead in her relationships.

So after a night like last night,

well, it's no wonder the
next day she felt like...

I'm just taking it slow
and seeing where it goes.

You know? No expectations.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
I wasn't expecting that.

There was a time where you'd be

writing your wedding vows
after a night like that.

Yeah, well, you know,
that was a long time ago.

For now,
we're just getting to know each other.

- (phone vibrates)
- Oh.

Hang on, it's Jeremy.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Her bro editor.

- Hey.
- JEREMY: Tick, tick, tick,

boom! Huge news, J.V.

How would you feel about writing

a guest column for Cosmopolitan online?

A-A column? Really?

It's a good angle.

What it's like to be dating

as a widow at .

If you're up for writing about that?

Yes. I-I definitely am.

And, actually, it's perfect timing,

- because I just started dating.
- JEREMY: Boom! Kismet.

Slay the column and you'll
build some surefire buzz

for your book. And remember,

Cosmo's pretty sexy, so

don't shy away from the hotness.

I will slay it and I
will bring the hotness.

I'm writing a column!

Ooh, like Sex and the City?

Yes. I am so Carrie Bradshaw.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I'm a Miranda. I know,

most people are surprised.

♪ ♪

What?!

Son of a...

(sighs) I just don't want it
to be sad and dark, you know?

Totally. It should be fun,

breezy, romantic.

You told her?

We agreed to tell her together.

What?

No, I didn't, weirdo,

we were talking about something else.

- Oh. Well, carry on then.
- JANE: No, hey, hey...

what didn't you want her to tell me?

BOTH: We're getting married!

What?!

I proposed last night.

You did?

With your grandpa's ring.

Oh...

I wanted to do things
differently, and...

I love your dad

and I know he's the one for me.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
No need to romanticize this moment.

I'm just so happy.

(giggles, cries)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It was absolutely perfect.

(sniffles) Oh.

Okay...

how huge?

Richard Branson's private island?

Or did Elon Musk finally
return your calls

and you guys are getting
married in space?

First of all,
Elon Musk always returns my calls

after a very tasteful interval,

just as one would expect
from a very busy man. Mm-hmm.

Secondly,

we've decided to...

do something small and intimate.

We're both in our s.

Very early s.

And Rogelio's done the
whole big wedding thing

a few times already.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, Oprah's pretty sick

of buying him toasters.

And I really don't want one.

And you're okay with that?

It's fine.

I just want to marry your mom.

Again.

Rogelio. We need you on set.

On my way, Rudy.

Now I must try to wipe
this joy off my face.

We're about to sh**t a very
tense and dramatic scene.

The key: never blinking.

It announces to everyone how
focused and intense you are.

And a bit scary.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, yeah,

this is making me very tense.

Well, that and the hunting
r*fle in the backseat.

And the fact that we just found
out he's the mysterious J.P.

who might have k*lled Scott.

Sorry, I must have dozed off.

No problem, darling.

We've still got a ways to go.

Can I use your charger?

Oh, I don't have one for the truck.

Whoa! What are you doing?

- Where are we going?
- I know a shortcut.

Why so jumpy?

'Cause I only have hours

to figure out who this J.P. guy is

before Anezka's forced
to take that plea deal.

Hence the shortcut.

Next question?

_

_

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on, Jane.

This is your big Sex
and the City moment.

What would Carrie do?

♪ ♪

JANE: Although it's been three years

and I know it's time to date,

I couldn't help but wonder.

Can I find love again, after loss?

Or has this widow peaked?

RAFAEL: Hey, Jane, you home?

Uh... (sighs)

- Mommy!
- Oh,

Mr. Sweetface.

Hey, girls.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Isn't it Petra's day?

She's away. With her friend Chuck.

Boyfriend, not friend.

- You okay?
- Yeah. You know, what can you do?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I don't know,
leave a message pouring your heart out?

Okay, I'm gonna get the girls to violin.

Hey, Xo. Congrats on your engagement.

Thanks. We're so excited.

Hey, when are we going
wedding dress shopping,

- by the way?
- I was thinking I'd go with

the cute white dress
I wore to my birthday.

You're not getting a new dress?

I really like that one,
and I only wore it once.

So, what are you and
Fabian doing tonight?

I don't know.
He says he has something planned.

- Ooh.
- (squeals)

A surprise. How romantic.

So I thought maybe you could
make me a reading list.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.

Okay, well, knowing Jane,

that could actually be romantic.

A reading list?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, I was reaching.

Well, I love Fahrenheit ,

but I'm almost done.

So what should I read next?

Well, if you want something similar...

Catch ?

Hey, is that a gone-ra? Number books?

- I'm sorry, what?
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'm sorry, what?

Like . Books with
numbers in the title.

I-Is that, like, a gone-ra?

Oh. You mean genre.

Oh. I didn't know that the G was silent.

No, the G isn't silent, it's just...

Never mind.

Also, I would like to discuss

a couple parts of the book with you.

If you don't mind.

I just think that book burning is wrong.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Freedom of speech isn't about
just protecting, you know,

speech that we're comfortable with,

it's about protecting all speech.

- (imitates expl*si*n)
- Ha.

That... That's genius.

You know, I'm...

I'm actually getting pretty tired.

Oh. Well, I get it. My brain hurts too.

So should we pick it
up tomorrow morning,

maybe at the library?

Look, Fabian, it's not
that I'm not enjoying

this little book club.
But I just want to make sure that

you're not into me just
because of my brains.

I mean, are you interested in...

the other side of me?

You mean butt stuff?

I mean the whole body.

Are you attracted to me?

Of-Of course I'm attracted to you.

Really?

I would love nothing more

than to burn all those books,

lay you down on the ash

and make love to you until
you scream with pleasure.

- Ah.
- Why do you think I've been

burying myself in
books on all our dates?

It's because otherwise

I wouldn't be able to
keep my hands off you.

Oh. Okay.

I just wanted to make sure that
romance was still on the table.

I want you on the table.

No, I know what I said about

waiting, but with you, Jane, I...
I just can't wait.

I want to make love to you. Right now.

Are you sure?
I mean, you don't have to do this.

I know I don't have to. I want to.

Are you serious?

I'm so very serious.

Let's make love, Jane.

Oh. Uh, great. Okay.
Let me just go... Oh.

Um, powder my nose.

And then we can make love.

(chuckles)

- (exhales)
- JANE: Okay.

You're having your fling.

It's about damn time.

You can do this. It's not a big deal.

(phone vibrates)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: My God,

is that woman psychic?

Abuela?

- MATEO: Mommy!

- MATEO: I want my mommy!

- MATEO: I need you, Mommy!


No, it's okay, I'll be right home.

Sorry to do this,

but I have to go...

Whoa! Oh... (short chuckle)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hello, Mr. Big.

Uh...

Uh... Um, uh...

I hope it is clear now I
am very attracted to you.

Oh, yes, it is, thank you.

But I-I...

I have to take a rain check.
Mateo needs me at home.

Oh, no. Is-Is everything all right?

Oh yeah, it was just a bad dream,

but, you know, he was r-really upset

and, um, asking for me.

And, as a mother, you know, duty calls.

- Of course. Motherhood is a sacred duty.
- Yes, right.

So if y-you don't mind
grabbing me my purse?

It's just right next to your...

- your penis.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Yes. Here you go.

- (both chuckle)
- And I'll call to check in.

But if you're too busy being a mother

and you can't answer, it's okay.

- I understand.
- Thank you.

Poor Mr. Sweetface. What happened, huh?

You had a bad dream?

- Yeah. It was so scary.
- Oh.

You want to tell Mommy about it?

What does "artificial" mean?

Artificial. That's a big word. Um...

It means not real, or natural. Why?

Timmy at school said his parents

told him I'm artificial.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh.

A little early to have the all

"accidentally artificially inseminated"
convo.

Well, that's just silly. All kids

- are real.
- How are babies made?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And this convo.

Well, it's... Hmm.

There... there is an
egg inside the mommy.

And... a...

little...

swimmer that the daddy has.

And when the two get together...

How do the egg and the
swimmer get together?

Oh.

Well...

usually Mommy and Daddy

give each other a special hug.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah. The special hug.

Classic.

Can I ask another question?

Of course.

Do ants have bones?

Oh, no.

(laughs)

Ants do not have bones.

They are invertebrates,

another big word.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And... crisis averted.

Well, one crisis, anyway.

I get it, Princess and the Pea,
it ain't your penthouse.

It's fine. I grew up with less.

But you're mad.

Yes, I'm mad.

'Cause you got us lost. And
the stupid bar was closed.

- Who closes a bar at midnight?
- Who doesn't call first?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
A guy who doesn't want you to get there.

I should've gone with Rafael's P.I.

A professional would've called
ahead of time before driving

for eight hours and ending
up in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah, I guess I screwed up again.

No.

I'm sorry.
Uh, it's just my nerves are fried,

because I need this J.P. thing
to lead somewhere so I can

get my sister out of jail
and then out of the country

and...
everything can just go back to normal.

I'll get the rest of the
stuff out of the truck.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Now's your chance.
Run!

Forget the phone and get out of there!

(sighs)

_

_

RAFAEL: Hey, uh, it's
me. Quick question.

The twins' dojo called asking if we want

to sign them up for the next session.

Look, I know when you asked me before,

I denied it, but the truth is,

I do have feelings for you.

And I know, you are with Chuck...
But I don't know...

I guess I'm calling...
because I wanted to say,

before it's too late...
that you shouldn't be.

You should be with me.

(knocking)

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Solano,

but we're looking for Chuck Chesser.

He's with Petra. They're out of town.

- What's going on?
- DANA: We need to question him about

Scott Archuletta's m*rder.

We have reason to believe Chuck is J.P.

(phone buzzing)

(door opens)

- Something wrong?
- No.

- (door closes)
- What's with the g*n?

I don't want my truck broken into.

Bad neighborhood.

Anyway, I reek like an old swamp possum.

Let's hope they got hot
water in this place.

Want to join me?

I think I'll let you get
the swamp possum off first.

- (chuckling)
- Say, do you have any clothes in there?

I want to change.

Knock yourself out.

Everything's definitely been
washed in the last two years.

(chuckling)

(water running in shower)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait.
Those shells look familiar.

Oh, my God.

(quietly): Oh, my God.

(phone chimes)

_

_

_

_

(phone buzzes)

I-I'm with Chuck. I
think he k*lled Scott.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Finally!

Where are you?

At some dumpy motel near Pensacola.

The-the... the Copper Palms.

It's off the old highway, exit...

There's no hot water in this hell hole.

Oh, God, what exit was it?!

He's coming out of the shower.

We're talking to the Pensacola police.

- Get out of there!
- Okay. Okay.

Get out of there now!

Where do you think you're going?

I just needed some fresh air.

(sighs)

We need to talk.

I'm not... feeling chatty.

Look...

I've been lying to you.

About Scott.

I did know him.

I already know that. J.P.

What?

(groaning)

(whimpering) Petra!

- (mumbles)
- (screaming)

Come here.

- (screaming)
- Look, Petra!

Just listen to me!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Or at least pretend to listen

to buy yourself some freaking time

so the police can get there!

I'm listening.

I'm not a k*ller.

I just knew the guy, that's all.

- How?
- When I was looking to buy the Fairwick

a few years back, I needed someone

to help me get some inside information.

No! Continue from over there.

Anyway,

afterwards, I paid him.

Deal's done, right? No.

Little weasel upped his price.

So I called off the deal, called him

a few colorful names, end of story.

I have no idea what "J.P." means!

You lied to the police in
a m*rder investigation.

And you've been lying to me for months.

You lied, too...
about the bones, and your lie was worse.

This is not a competition,

and you lied for longer.

And you've been acting jumpy all day.

- 'Cause I was nervous.
- Because you're J.P.

- No!
- Then why?

Because I'm trying to
tell you that I love you!

What?

Yes. All day.

And then everything went wrong,

and I screwed up, and the bar closed.

That's why I've been so nervous.

Chuck...

(police siren whoops)

(tires squealing)

OFFICER: Freeze! Police! Hands up.

(tires squealing)

JANE: I can't believe it.

- You think Chuck did it?
- RAFAEL: I don't know.

The police are questioning him.

Hey, so why'd the school call?

Mateo's been running
around the playground

giving all the girls special hugs

and telling them that
they're having his baby.

Ooh.

Ugh. I know. I'll handle
it. It's my fault.

You stay with Petra, and please tell her

if she needs anything at all, I'm here.

Thanks. I will.

(sighs)

I'm sure Jane said nice things,
but I'm still rattled,

so I can't pretend to
be touched right now.

Do you think Chuck did it?

He did lie about knowing Scott.

Yeah, I lied. It was stupid.

But that don't mean I k*lled him.

- Did you see Mr. Archuletta that night?
- No.

I was supposed to, but I swear

on my mama's life, he never showed.

And that shell bracelet?

Identical to a shell
found at the crime scene?

I'm getting to that.

I'd been waiting a while,

so I started walking the beach,

having some whiskey.

I saw this lady.

She said she'd k*ll for a drink,

so I offered her a swig of mine.

We got to talking, I told her

how I bought the hotel next door.

She gave me one of her bracelets.

Said they brought good luck.

- Did you get a good look at her face?
- Well, good enough.

I could describe her
for you, no problem.

First we'll need, in
writing, a guarantee

that you're dropping those
other charges against him.

Once you do, he'll be happy
to talk to a sketch artist.

JANE: Mateo, stop coloring.

I need you to listen to me.

Hey. Psst.

Do you understand?

You can't go around giving
your friends special hugs.

But I wanted to make a
baby with my friends.

I know, but to make a baby,

you have to be an adult, and, also,

it's a different type of hug.

Meant for two grown-ups who
love each other, not kids.

So you can't make a
baby with your friends.

Do you understand?

Special hugs are for grown-ups

who really love each other, not kids.

That's right!

So that's what you and
Daddy did to make me?

Um...

You know what? Like, if you want me

to come back, maybe I
can just... Ugh. Okay.

No, it-it's actually

not exactly what happened with us.

So, how was I made?

Hey, you know what?

I forgot that I bought ice
cream at the store today.

Do you want some before bed?

Ice cream?! Yes!

(sighs)

I know, I know.

Total parenting fail.

Put it out of your head.
Mateo will be fine.

Are you ready?

I am so ready.

Ooh, nice bold lip.

Thank you.

I've gotten over the temporary
guilt caused by years of

negative-sex messaging, and I am ready

to celebrate that with Fabian. Naked.

That's my girl! (laughs)

Now come on, show me
what you're wearing.

(laughs)

- What do you think?
- Ooh, I love!

But you don't have the underwear.
Are these Abuela's?

Lingerie hasn't exactly
been my priority lately.

Perfect. Then don't wear any.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, Samantha, calm down.

Good idea.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Damn, mama!

Now, remember,

there's nothing to feel guilty about.

You are two consenting adults

who are on the same page.

(giggling)

(sighs)

(knocking)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
They may be on the same page...

Jane.

- You look amazing.
- (laughs)

I have a very special surprise for you.

Meet my abuela!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
But they were reading

from very different books.

I told you I was so
very serious about you.

Mmm. You've got to admit this
is the best you've ever had.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Dinner with Fabian.

- And his abuela.
- Delicious.

Thank you so much, Señora Belen.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Certainly an occasion

when one would rather
be wearing underwear.

Let me get that for you!

I'll get it.

(laughing): Oh, just... Here you go.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I mean,
how much could he have said?

The guy's known Jane for five minutes!

JANE: So as I stood there,
waiting to escape,

I started to wonder.

For this widow, should casual
dating be left on the shelf?

As if mama's boys aren't bad enough.

Now we're dealing with grandmama's boys?

I'm ending it.

Fabian and I are clearly
not on the same page.

Oh, honey,
don't end it before you screw him first.

The man has "Fab" in his name.

It's like he's advertising
that he's great in bed.

(laughs)

You've only dodged the b*llet
if the b*llet is small.

Shh! Salma Hayek can't
be hearing these things.

She's a lady.

Ugh. Trust me,
there's nothing wrong with casual sex.

I just had sex in the bathroom.

Turns out hand sanitizer
makes great lube.

(laughter)

What kind of girl is that, Ma?

The kind who has a healthy
relationship with sex?

You're the one who needs to stop.

Your shame-flower has
done enough damage.

Do you?

No. I don't. At all.

But it definitely affected
the way I feel about sex now.

And not in the best way.

But that's beside the point,
because now that I know

that Fabian and I are
not on the same page,

I cannot keep seeing him.

I- support your decision. Thanks, Dad.

Just don't break his heart

until after we sh**t
our big action sequence.

I need him focused.

He's a nightmare with continuity.

He can never do the same thing twice.

He doesn't appreciate how important

it is that sh*ts match.

Audiences notice these things!

- Okay, okay, I'll come by later.
- What time are you guys done?

- At : .
- (phone buzzing)

Aha! My assistant got us
an appointment at :

on Tuesday, Miami Municipal.

You guys are getting
married in the courthouse?

Is that what you want, Mom?

Yes.

Trust me, I was never the kind of girl

who dreamed of a big fancy wedding.

You saved this thing? Mm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Before she
became Slutty Crystal... I hope.

Mm.

After we got engaged, we were talking.

So, listen,
I know you're gonna want a wedding

at the Taj Mahal or something.

They don't do weddings.
I checked before.

And I actually don't think we
should do another big wedding.

It will remind Jane of hers.

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

He wants to know about his parents.

- It makes sense.
- RAFAEL: I know.

- So we should tell him.
- JANE: How? I mean, it's not

your typical birds-and-bees story.

We'll do it together.

And we'll just figure out
some kid-friendly version.

Okay.

Come over tonight.

And wish me luck.

I got to go break up
with a telenovela star.

- Ooh, your muscles!

Oh, stop.

- They aren't that big.
- Oh, wow. (laughs)

Jane! Hi!

Please, tell our American audience,
who is this?

That is Jane... my lady.

REPORTER: Oh. Wow. Is it serious?

FABIAN: Oh, it's so serious!

- Yes!
- I can't believe how happy you seem!

That's because Jane is the most
amazing woman I have ever met!

We're head over heels for each other!

- Really?
- Yes! I'm crazy about this woman!

(whoops) LATIN LOVER
NARRATOR: Oh, buddy.

That's risky business right there.

Oh, God, I can't watch.
I wish my eyes were wide shut.

This is far and away the
most embarrassing thing

I've ever seen.

What the hell was that?

I couldn't help it.
I'm just so into you.

And everyone loved it
when Tom Cruise did it.

Okay, Fabian, h-here's the thing.

There's been a massive misunderstanding.

I'm not actually...

serious about you.

What?

I was asking if you were
serious about having sex.

Because that's all
that I'm serious about.

But you're not serious
about me as a person?

Well, I...

But I just performed
a Tom Cruise for you!

I didn't ask you to!

And-and who does that for someone

they've only known for a week?

Some who's passionate and excited.

- And way over the top.
- Over the top?!

You know what?
I'm glad I didn't make love to you.

Well, I'm glad I didn't
make love to you!

Well, you wouldn't be saying that

if I had made love to you!

(shouts)

(shouts)

- Hey. Hey, no...
- (laughing)

no jumping on the furniture, Mateo.

No matter how much you love Mommy.

(chuckles)

Can I stay in here until I fall asleep?

Sure, but just for tonight.

- (grunts)
- (sighs)

So, instead of reading you a story,

tonight, Daddy and I want to
tell you a very special story

about how our family came to be.

It's an unusual story,

because, usually, parents meet first

and then fall in love

and then they have a baby.

But in our family, the
order was different.

Because you came first.

And it's because of you that
Mommy and Daddy came together

and love each other.

This...

is your Auntie Luisa.

So, Auntie Luisa

used to be your mommy's doctor.

And then, one day,

she was just...

really distracted.

Like, you know when we
tell you to pay attention?

Well, she wasn't paying attention.

And Mommy fell asleep.

And then Aunt Luisa

put Daddy's little swimmers in me,

because she thought I was somebody else.

Oh, my gosh!

(chuckling): Oh, my gosh. I know.

And that became you.

- Mm.
- Yeah. And if you think about that,

if you think about all the
things that had to happen,

that's pretty amazing.

Like a miracle?

(chuckles)

Yes.

Like a miracle.

Can you both scratch my back?

(chuckles) Yeah. Of
course, Mr. Sweetface.

Oh.

Stay until I'm really asleep.

Don't sneak out.

Okay, buddy. We're not going anywhere,

- okay?
- Uh-huh.

_

_

_

(chuckles)

_

_

_

_

_

_

I'm still up.

I wish we all lived together.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But,
alas, this is a telenovela.

Which brings us here. Now.

Jane! Can I talk to you for a second?

To the big telenovela blessing!

Look, the clip of me jumping
on the couch has gone viral.

All the press is here.
It'll be completely humiliating

if we don't seem like
we're here together.

So you want me to pretend?

Just for tonight.
And then, after the blessing,

I'll do a fade-out on my Instagram.

Please, Jane. I don't
want to be humiliated.

Fine. Just this once.

(exhales)

(sighs)

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

(soft chuckling)

That was the hugest gesture of love.

Jane, how did you feel about
Fabian's Tom Cruise moment?

(chuckling)

- I thought it was sweet.
- (chuckles)

- Like sa-weet!
- (chuckles)

How about you do a little couch
jump and we can get a picture?

Oh, I-I really don't want to.

Oh, come on, the fans would love it.

(chuckles nervously)

I prefer to do my couch
jumping in private.

(chuckles)

Ay, come on, mi amor,
just one little hop!

Sorry, sweetie.
It's just that my ankle hurts again.

I'd actually like to sit down.

Of course. Let me carry you.

Oh, no, you don't have to do that!
(chuckling)

(chuckling)

- What are you doing?
- Saving face.

(stammers, grunts)

I thought you were gonna help me out!

I am trying.
But I'm not gonna jump up and down

- on the furniture.
- Why not?

Because I don't want to
make a fool out of myself.

(gasps)

So that's what I did?
Well-well, I am sorry for expressing

- my feelings.
- Come on, that is not what I meant.

This is such a disaster!
What am I gonna tell the press?

And my abuela!
You're exactly the kind of girl

that she wanted me to fall for.

(chuckles) Well, you didn't.

- I did.
- No,

you love the idea of me,

a good girl that you can
introduce to your grandma.

Exactly! So what's the problem?

The problem is the whole
Madonna-whore paradigm is reductive.

I am a real person who
you know nothing about.

So I'm sorry if this
makes you embarrassed,

but I am not going to
do any more interviews

about this fake relationship.

JORGE: Wow.

Mm-hmm.

(chuckles softly)

Mm.

(exhales)

(chuckles)

(exhales)

(grunts)

(chuckles)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah,
the joy of telenovelas.

(sighs) Can I hide out
from Fabian with you guys

- for a minute?
- (chuckles)

(groans, sighs)

(indistinct chatter)

Why won't they have a real wedding?

I don't get it.

Sorry. I know I'm being selfish.

I just want to celebrate.

(exhales, chuckles)

You do?

We didn't think you'd want
another big Rogeliwedding

because it would remind you of Michael.

Well, that's sweet, but come on!

The whole "parents getting together"
thing is kind of

a dream come true, right?

I want to celebrate
that. So... go crazy.

Yes. (squeals)

But not too crazy.

- (chuckles)
- Fabian, I'm not going to...

I-I want to apologize.

Please?

So, I Googled

"Madonna-whore paradigm"
and "reductive,"

and I think I know
what you're getting at.

I did see you as the type of person

that I could only date in a serious way.

But now I know that you
don't want something serious.

No, I-I don't.

I just wanted a fling.

And I get that now.

I just put a lot of stuff on you.

Hey, I made assumptions about you, too.

You know? Because you're
so... sweet and hot

and I-I just...

really wanted to have sex with you.

Well, I really wanted to
have sex with you, too.

Yeah? I still do.

And I guess I could always
start over next month.

Start over with what?

My no sex pledge.

It's been a month?

Um, days.

So a month and a half.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

But I do want to wait if
it's going to be serious.

But now I know that, between you and me,
there's nothing serious.

Just...

chemical attraction.

Hmm.

Physical.

Mm.

Bodies...

on bodies.

Yeah.

That's all I want. (clears throat)

Just sexual.

Exactly.

So...

Huh. Mm.

Let's do it.

Huh.

Okay, maybe just once.

You won't say that after we're done.

(chuckles)

So, should we meet at
my place in minutes?

Make it .

- (exhales)
- (panting)

Okay, I really want to have
sex but I'm panicking a little,

so I just need you to talk me into it.

- On it. Go.
- This time, we're both on the same page.

Definitely. Just sex. No strings.

Which is exactly what I want right now.

And do you really mean that

or are you trying to psych yourself up?

I-I really mean it.

(door opens)

Then why are you sitting here?

I think it's that stupid flower.

So I just need you to tell
me I shouldn't feel guilty.

There is absolutely nothing
to feel guilty about.

Now, if you don't go have sex with that

obscenely hot telenovela star,

your mother will never forgive you.

Thanks, Ma.

Okay, now get out of the car!

(chuckles)

- (exhales)
- (door shuts)

Oh. There you are. Okay, I have
some preliminary wedding ideas.

Totally off the cuff.

You know, I might have some ideas, too.

But of course. I welcome them.

- In moderation.
- (chuckles)

(chuckles)

Mwah.

You look so beautiful.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And while someone was spying on Rogelio,

across town, Jane only
had eyes for Fabian.

Sorry. That's no good.

But Sex and the City never had to deal

with these drastic tone shifts.

(moaning, panting)

W-Wait, wait.

- (grunts)
- Just checking,

- one last time, this means nothing.
- (panting)

- We've talked enough! (grunting)
- Oh...

(moaning)

- (sighs, chuckles)
- Way to be Samantha, Jane.

(grunting)

(moaning)

They really are on the same page.

Well, many pages.

I don't know what these books are about,

but I can tell you this
story had a happy ending.

- (pants)
- You can stay over if you want.

(exhales)

I think I'm ready to
head home, actually.

- (keys clacking)
- JANE: So if you're still asking,

can a non-casual dater
start dating casually?

The answer is...

Oh, yes! Yes!

Yes!

I did it!

I had casual sex with Fabian,

and I didn't feel guilty about it.

I know this is a really weird
thing for me to call you about.

No, it's great. I'm-I'm happy for you.

But, uh, listen, I got to go.
I'm-I'm with Petra.

Oh, of course. Go, go.

Talk tomorrow?

Definitely.

(sighs)

(sighs)

I'm fine.

And I'm gonna go home.

You sure?

Yes.

Oh, and, yes, we should definitely sign

the kids back up for karate.

What?

Uh...

nothing.

You heard my message.

I meant what I said.

I want to be with you.

Rafael...

It'll be different this time.

We're different.

We can make this work.

We've grown so much.

Please, Petra,

say yes.

- (rapid knocking)
- DENNIS: Mr. Solano.

It's Detective Chambers.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh, the police!

What terrible timing!

What could be so important?

We just got the composite sketch
of the woman Chuck Chesser saw

on the beach the night
of Scott's m*rder.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.