02x02 - Stayin' Alive

[bunniefuu]

♪ Turn it up ♪

3,698 songs in this thing.

Does Earth have
the best stuff, or what?

Got that right, Quill.
Don't know what this thing is,

but people keep putting money in
it, so it's gotta be valuable.

Maybe so, Rocket.
I'm starting to doubt

this is really a ceremonial
Earth warrior headdress.

I am Groot.

♪ Whoo! Yeah, Yeah ♪

What's going on?

Time to pack up our Earth
souvenirs and head home.

But this is your home.

Yeah. Not anymore.

Besides, the galaxy
needs its guardians.

First up, the cosmic seed won't
get back to Asgard by itself.

The longer we keep it here,
the longer my home planet

is a target for bad guys like Thanos.

Who's hopefully gonna spend
the next billion years

digging himself out of
the center of the Earth.

And yet my revenge feels hollow.

What is the purpose of a destroyer
with no one left to destroy?

Cheer up, Drax.

Looks like you may have
some purpose left after all.

I am Groot?

Beats me, bud. What is the
big deal about some rock?

According to the energy reading,
this rock is Sanctuary.

Eh?

Thanos's personal asteroid?

Um, seriously? It had a name?

I'd be more concerned that it
moved since we last saw it.

All right. That's it, kids.
I'm turning this ship around.

Approaching target.
Magnify image.

That does not look like an asteroid.

No, but it looks big enough
to hold about ten asteroids.

Any idea what that symbol means?

According to something
called, "The Internet,"

it stands for, "Avengers."

Otherwise known as some losers

about to be ripped off by
the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Guess these "Avengers" must
take their privacy pretty seriously.

Their security, too.

Security guards. Drax will
destroy them in glorious combat!

Easy, Drax. This is Earth.

We don't have the technology to
build sentient battle drones.

We barely figured out
microwave popcorn.

You know
what else you don't have?

Thanos's krutackin' asteroid.

I am Groot.

I know the scanner's
picking up a reading.

From inside that doohickey.

That doohickey is too small
to contain Thanos's asteroid.

Score one for the master of the obvious,
and zero for the rodent's scanner.

My scanner works fine.

And don't call me rodent!

Oh, hey, look.
It was a false alarm.

Let's all relax.

Whoa. Honey, I shrunk
the sanctuary.

Thanos possessed a lot
of powerful artifacts,

but nothing capable of
this kind of mass shifting.

Who cares?

It's ours now.

I do not know my purpose,

but I am certain
it is not to be a thief.

We're only stealing this rock back
from whoever stole it from Thanos,

who probably stole it
in the first place.

More importantly, we're
protecting my planet.

You know, it's not like Earth is
full of mighty heroes like us.

Huh?

Seriously? Guys, mighty?

Hey! Never underestimate
the little guy.

I don't know who you freaks are,
but I know you don't belong here.

I am Groot!

Like the vegetable said, what are
you gonna do about it, puny?

Okay, fun fact,

Earth scientists
do not normally do that.

I am Groot.

I am Hulk!

Take it easy, big guy.

- Don't hurt Groot!
- Drax will destroy you!

That the best you got, green freak?

You intruders got
some 'splainin' to do!

- Hey, I know that reference.
- Who gives a flarg?

Ahh!

Put the tree down!

Hang in there, bud.
I got an idea.

Hold still so I can smash you!

Very well.

Ahh!

Come on! Move!

You do not seem to be able
to make up your mind!

You all right, Quill?

No, come on.
I swear I'll call ya.

You ask me, Earth defense tech has
moved way past microwave popcorn.

But your cyber security's
still in the stone age.

Get off!

Ant-Man, Captain Marvel, I wanna thank you
two for lending a hand in this mission.

Happy to whip you
into shape anytime, Cap.

And once Dr. Banner's done
studying that asteroid I shrunk,

we can check out this thing
we just recovered.

Odd. My centurions are online.

It could be trouble, Tony.
We better investigate.

Okay, next time you wanna take out

your aggression on something, big guy,

try a stress ball.

What? I was putting the
smash-down on some intruders.

Uh, doubt it.

With my security upgrades, no
one can break into this place.

You know, except me.

Tell it to the guys that broke in.

But there was a talking raccoon,
and a walking tree, and...

Okay, that sounds nuts
when I say it out loud.

Maybe not.

They took the asteroid!

Fan out. Form a perimeter
and locate the thieves,

whatever they look like.

Left! The other left!

The other other left, bark brain!

I am Groot!

This armor does not appear
as durable as we thought.

Uh-oh.

I think we found our intruders.

Told ya!

Whoa!

Ow!

Now let's smash some alien thieves.

Um, actually, we were just leaving.

You thieves ain't going nowhere.

We were trying to protect
your krutackin' planet!

Uh, yeah? By stealing our stuff?

It's not yours.

You Terrans can't be trusted
with Sanctuary's power.

Ahh!

Then put down the rock and your
weapons, and we can discuss this.

Yeah, we could do that.

Or we could just leave
with what we came for!

Afraid we can't let you do that.

Ahh!

Face it. You'll never lay
an oversized green finger on me.

Well, you'll never lay
a puny green finger on me!

Fortunately, I don't have to.

- I will not fight an unarmed opponent.
- Fine with me.

Seriously? What's up with
the Captain America get-up?

I'm Captain America.

Yeah. You fought in World w*r
II, and you're years old.

I was frozen in ice.

Oh. You mean like this?

I've faced deadlier armor.

Heck, I've worn
deadlier armor, tin man.

That's, "Iron Man."

And this suit is impervious
to any m*ssile,

b*mb, or plasma blast
you can throw at me.

How about a magnet, Iron Man?

Hey, no!

I am Groot.

Well, don't just
stand there! Fight!

I am Groot!

What do you mean
you're already fighting?

Forward, troops!
Free the asteroid!

Let's go while we still
have an exit option.

I am Groot!

Ha-ha! Try blasting
us now, suckers!

Uh, Quill, it's a tractor
beam, not a force field.

I am Groot!

That's not good.

Hang on, Tony.

What was that?

If I had to guess,
something big and green.

Aw, can't we go any faster?

Hang on. I'm diverting
all power to the engines.

Divert it quickly!

Apparently, it's raining
Avengers today.

Fire up the jet.
They are not getting away.

I got this, Tony.

I am Groot!

Is that rock growing?

Yo, Earth monkeys!

Stop messing with
my krutackin' asteroid!

"Earth monkeys"?

You know, you should've thought of
that before you invaded our planet.

Hey, I'm from here, too, and I'm
trying to protect our planet

by keeping dangerous stuff
like this off of it.

I'm already late to return a nasty
Cosmic Seed thingy to a dude named Thor.

- Wait. You know Thor?
- Flarg, yeah!

Didn't he ever mention
the Guardians of the Galaxy,

led by the legendary Star-Lord?

Come to think of it,

he did say something
about a band of misfits,

led by the buffoonish Peter Quill.

Yes, that is him.

He is the buffoonish Peter Quill.

So, wait.
We're on the same side?

Okay, stay calm. I'm shrinking it
now with my Pym Particle Disk.

You mean this gizmo
that just got crushed?

Get it out,
get it out, get it out!

Incoming!

I got this!

I told you, I got this!

Oh!

Oh, crud.

You krutackin' Avengers owe me a
lifetime supply of duct tape!

So, Thor never told you
about the Avengers?

No. But I approve of the name.

I live for vengeance.

Yeah, that's not exactly
what this team's all about.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but
the asteroid hit our main security hub.

The system still thinks
we're under att*ck...

And initiated
the fail-safe protocols.

What kind of fail-safe protocols?

The kind that... I don't know...
Involve satellites

and incredibly powerful laser beams.

You know, that kind of protocol.

That's not good.

Yeah, we're flarged.

We need a plan to deal with that

out-of-control
defense satellite.

I'm gonna go with run!

I am Groot!

What kind of fail-safe system did
you so-called heroes slap together?

One that will rain vengeance!

Actually, it's meant to protect
Earth by stopping hostiles

from getting their hands on our tech.

The only thing Earth needs
protecting from is you guys!

Hey, we're not the ones who dropped
an asteroid on our headquarters.

No, you're just the ones who messed
with its size and forced us to.

'Cause you space freaks ripped
off the rock in the first place!

I am Groot!

Watch where you're sticking
those branches, shrub.

Everyone stand down.
The beam is still active,

and it's heading for a populated area!

This is all your fault!

Wait. I just got
locked out of the system.

I can't access
the satellite's computer.

Which means someone else is
tampering with it. But who?

Questions will have to wait.

Hulk and Iron Man, we need to deflect
the beam away from the town.

Gamora and Drax, you'll
help me evacuate citizens.

Marvel and Ant-Man, your mission is
to disable the satellite with...

Wait. Where are they going?
They don't even know the plan.

That's never stopped Quill before.

What do you say we go after them
and explain it, Carol?

Don't worry. I've got this.

Why didn't they tell us the
satellite had an energy shield?

Hey, space cowboy.

Probably should've listened
to Cap's whole plan.

I don't take orders. I give 'em.

Not that anyone listens to 'em.

So how do we get past the shields?

I know a guy.

My repulsor shield
should weaken the beam.

If the beam doesn't fry
my suit's circuitry first.

It still packs a pretty good punch!

Flee, tiny humans.

Flee from the vengeance
of the Avengers!

Their capacity for
destruction is unparalleled.

None shall escape their wrath.

Our job is to protect and
reassure the civilians, Drax,

not frighten them out of their wits.

Nice to take orders from someone who
actually knows what he's doing.

This is not vengeance.

Should you not call
yourselves the Guardians?

I think that name's already taken.

You sure you can
get us around that shield?

Well, not around,
but through-ish.

As in, between the molecules.

Wait. Between the...

Whoa! We're so little!

Whoa!

Oh! Nice!

Way smoother than those other Avengers.

Now, do I detect the rugged
individualism of a fellow outlaw?

Former.

Captain America helped me
put that life behind me.

I guess he's kind of a father figure.

Or grandfather figure.

Yeah, I don't do
so well with father figures.

You got a lock pick?

I am a lock pick.

Once an outlaw,
always an outlaw.

Only if it's for a good cause.

Tony was right.

Someone else has been
tampering with the system.

It's definitely alien tech,
but nothing I've ever seen.

Looks like they diverted

the satellite beam away from the Earth.

Yeah, and straight at us!

I am Groot!

Move over, tree.
Let a real pilot take over.

These are sensitive controls. Ain't
like any idiot can fly this thing.

Quill can.

Eh, point taken.

Proximity alert.

That is one big...

Oh, flarg.

I can't shut it down,

but I think I can short it out.

Oh, man! My , songs!

I saw your playlist.

Trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

If I have to sacrifice my ' s synthpop
collection, I'm doing it myself.

A-ha! Little again!

All right. Listen up,
Avengers and Guardians.

We're the only thing standing
between that beam and this town,

and we're not going down
without a fight.

Ten seconds to impact.

Repulsor shield at maximum!

Brace for impact in five, four,

three, two...

Wait. What?

Well, guess we owe the buffoonish
Peter Quill a thank-you.

Uh, Quill?

Score one for team outlaw.

Well done.

Today, you space thieves
can call yourselves Avengers.

We have avenged nothing.

Today, you can call
yourselves Guardians.

Nice job.

Think us Terrans can be trusted
to examine this thing?

Relax. I'm a Terran too. Well,
actually I'm half-Terran.

Hey, Rocket, can we thumb a ride?

Rocket?

Groot?

Anybody?

They're not answering.

Uh, looks like we got bigger problems.

Like gravity.

Rocket, get over here!

We got miles until we're pancakes!

Rocket!