02x02 - Poison

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Wrecked". Aired: June 2016 - October 2018.*
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"Wrecked" follows a diverse group of plane crash survivors coping with dangerous threats on a remote island. Two best friends become leaders of this new society.
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02x02 - Poison

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "Wrecked"...

Pack, you're a sports agent, right?

Yeah. Very successful.

- [Gasps]
- I k*lled a n*zi.

You k*lled a guy who
happened to be a n*zi.

- Same thing!
- [Groaning]

We're pirates, mother [bleep]

- [g*nf*re, screaming]
- Danny Wallace?

His family's worth billions!

I am The Barracuda...
and this is my island now.

We'll call your father,

and after he sends the money,

we'll have you picked up here.

I'm so sorry, but... my father's dead.

Dad's dead?!

There's been a setback.

We're just going to have
to learn to live together.



[Chatter]

Hey, guys. I know that we're all

feeling a little uneasy
about the pirates, right?

We don't know, you
know, what they're doing

or how long they plan to stay...

Yeah! What are they doing!?

And how long do they plan to stay!?

Well, Chet, it's like
I literally just said,

we don't know...

And how come they have so much gear?

- Why?
- And why do they have tarps?!

I'm pretty sure that the tarps
are just to cover things.

I don't think we need to fear the tarps.

If it were up to me,
I'd say we steal those tarps,

string 'em to some boards and boom...

We kite surf right outta this sh*thole.

- [Chatter] Todd's right.
- We should do that.

- Yeah!
- Bruce: I've seen it on TV.

We could try, at least.

Okay. Hey, guys!

Why don't we just think of the pirates

as our new heavily-armed neighbors...

If we leave them alone,
they will leave us alone.

Oh.

We're taking your beach.

Wh... Seriously?
Where are we supposed to go?

Oh, we'll want you close.

You can live down there.

- Down there?
- Chet: That's a terrible place!

- [Chatter] Where we all sh*t?
- Burnt tires and stuff!

That's, like, the worst
part of the beach!

It's covered in trash
and broken glass...

- And dead birds.
- See?

I didn't even know about the dead birds.

Okay. Guys, new plan.

Let's grab our stuff
and move down the beach.

- What do you think?
- Oh, I hate grabbing my stuff!

[Chatter]

Are you happy?

And I want your shirt.

I'm sorry?

Your shirt.

Take it off and give it to me.

Why does she want his shirt?

[Chatter] She can have my shirt.

Okay. All right.

I know what you're doing.

You're big-doggin' me.

You're trying to show everybody

you can make me do whatever you want.

Okay, let me just
explain something to you,

uh, The Barracuda.

I am putting my foot down.

Okay, see this foot?

- I am putting it down.
- [g*n cocks]

Yeah.
I'll just take... I'll take it off now.

- [Groans]
- It's sweaty, so it's hard to come off.



[Insects buzzing]

Ow! Dammit!

God, there's broken glass everywhere!

Admittedly, this is a setback.

But on the plus side, Bruce did let me

borrow one of his shirts...

Don't stretch that, now!

[Sighs]

At least it can't get any worse.

[Squealing speakers]

What the hell is that noise?!

[Poison's "Nothin' But
a Good Time" plays]

[Distant chatter]

God bless.

They're partying.

Don't need nothin'
but a good time ♪


- ♪ How can I resist ♪
- Why would they bring a volleyball net?

♪ Ain't lookin' for nothin'
but a good time


I don't know, but Bandana gets up.

And it don't get
better than this


This is insane!

Why is it so loud?

They're probably just blowing off steam.

They can't party all day.

What are they gonna do?

Party all night?

Oh, my God. They partied all day...

and they partied all night.

[Dance music plays]

[Whimpering] Why is
this happening to us?

Are we... dead?

[Crying]



[Insects buzzing]

Dad, I know I wasn't able to

be home for your funeral, but...

Oh! Who wrote that?

"d*ck" Wallace!

I don't think you're a d*ck.

Some people do, but not Steve!

No! Steve, it's not for
me, it's for my dad!

Oh. Yeahhh, [bleep] him.

He is a d*ck...

No, I built it!

It's for... I was...

Wait a minute... People
think I'm a d*ck?

Who thinks I'm a d*ck?

Oh, just, you know, some people

because if your parents loved you more,

we'd be going home right now.

Hey, hey. I didn't...

I mean, that's the truth, but I...

Look, both of us have
done things we regret.

You bringing the pirates to the island,

me not k*lling that n*zi sooner...

You m*rder*d someone, Steve.
It's not the same.

- Oh, it's pretty similar.
- No.

Anyway, the others...
They hate us for it.

You can feel the jealousy.

I think you and I should team up.

What about this... We get off the island

and go into business together!

We make a billion dollars

and we shove it in their fat faces!

I mean, with my brains,
and your money...

Put it this way,
I've got a lot of good ideas!

Are you about to "Shark t*nk" me?

Please don't "Shark t*nk"
me at my father's grave...

I don't know what that means,
but picture this.

Oh, Jesus. I'm a man.

I've been hard-working all day.

I've just got home. What do I need?

A big bowl of steamy, creamy risotto.

But who's got time for
all that stirring?!

Oh, kids will be home soon.

I give you "RisoGurt."

It's like Go-GURT... but for risotto!

You think people want
hot, portable risotto?

- Also, is there yogurt in it?
- Of course not!

It's one-hundred percent steamy,
creamy risotto.

Then why is it called "RisoGurt?"

I've got other ideas...

I'm gonna walk away now.

Well, mull it over!

We'll cr*ck it, you know!

[Dance music playing]

This is ridiculous!
They're using our shelters!

- They're eating our hot dogs!
- They're not our hot dogs.

They're on our island.
They're our hot dogs.

We rule this realm!

Hi.

- [Blows raspberry]
- Hi!

What?

[Smooches, blows raspberry]

Guys, I'm worried about Florence.

I think that the lack of sleep's

- starting to get to her.
- What's happening?

That's it!

I'm getting this sh*t turned down!

What? How?

Uh, I'm an agent, remember?

I'll negotiate.

Uh, they have g*ns.

And I've got the magic mouthpiece, baby!

Trust me.

I was trained by the best.

Does the name Greta Liebowitz
mean anything to you guys?

Seriously?

"Game On" Greta?

Oh, cr*ck the trades, you guys!

Greta Liebowitz is the single

greatest sports agent of all time.

No, I'm not mad. I'm furious!

She taught me everything I know...

Let me work my magic.

I'll have
'em eating right out of my assh*le.

I don't think that's the phrase at all.

♪ Money, money,
money, money, money ♪


What's up, bros?

Oh, hell yeah!

You know, I love music.

- [Music turns off]
- What do you want?

I just wanted to come by

and say whattup, you know.

I am loving these jams.

I'm back there like,

"I should be chin deep

in some strip club titties."

You guys know what I'm talking about,
playboys?

No.

O-Kay.

I just wanted to see if you guys

could just keep the vols on your speaks

down where they are now.

You know, not for me,
you know, I love it, you know?

It's like pump, pump, pump it up!

It's more so for my friends, you know,

they're just a bunch
of narcs and pussies...

Not gonna happen. My
men deserve some R&R.

Also, I don't like you.

But I do like your watch.

This?

This is nothing, really.

- It's not even...
- I'll take it.

Along with the rest of your stuff.

- What?!
- Go bring their luggage.

All of it.

It's mine now.



Nice work, Pack.
You somehow made things worse.

[Spits]

I don't want to sound dramatic,

but if I don't have my dry shampoo

I will light these
[bleep] pirates on fire!

- Okay?
- Okay. Okay, baby.

It's gonna be all right, all right?

The important things are safe.

I hid my golf clubs in the jungle.

[Laughs]

Todd is always one step ahead!

Pack, I should warn you...

Sleep deprivation makes
me sexually aggressive.

And I will be taking it out on you.

Oh, my God.

Guys, I'm sorry, okay!?
I don't know what happened.

I thought you were gonna go
"work your magic"?

I did! It didn't work at all.

I need something else.

I need...

an ass in a hat.

What? Oh, God. I am so tired.

What's the phrase?

Ace in the hole?

Ace in the hole!

What's in the box?

- Our ace in the hole.
- Nice.

Here.

Put these on.

- I don't wear glasses.
- You do now.

Your face looks dumb without them.

- Open.
- Oh, yeah.

There he is.

Game on.

Oh, my gosh! It's my man Chris Bosh!

Greta, what's up?

This is my main man, Pack.

Sit.

He's gonna run this town someday.

Pshhh, ain't no thang but a G-strang.

Welcome to the butt
cracks of the business.

You know all about that,
don't you, big dog?

Hit me.

Anyway, listen.

I don't have a lot of time.

Me, LeBron, and Dwyane...

We got laser tag right after this, so...

Pack?

Baby boy, let me talk
to you for a minute.

You got money.

I got money.

But this isn't about money.

It's about you.

You need reps that understand

the entirety of Chris Bosh.

How you think. How you feel.

How you eat. How you [bleep]

What?

That's too much. Was that too much?

Bosh-y, when I see you
on the basketball court,

I do not see a basketball star.

I see... a basketball samurai.

Like a samurai warrior?

Because I love samurai sh*t.

And Pack, what does every samurai need?

Throwing stars!

Nope. I'm talking about
what's in the box.

Nunchucks!

No. What does a samurai use?

A sword?

Exactly.

Whoa!

Can I keep it?

I insist.

It's a real Massamune.

It's the best in the
world. Just like you!

[Whispering] It's fake.
I bought it on eBay. Nice.

LeBron and Dwyane and are gonna sh*t!

I gotta find a samurai sword.

What?

- Got another idea!
- Ah!

Steve! My wiener is out, man!

What are two things
every modern woman loves?

Exercising...

and heavy desserts!

Introducing "Pie-lates!"

You want women to eat a bunch of pie

before immediately doing Pilates?

Exactly. Making money on both ends!

Steve, I don't want to be
business partners with you.

That's just because we haven't
come up with the right idea!

Danny, I've got it!

"Hammer-In-An-Hour!"

We get any hammer, anywhere,

- in one hour flat.
- Why a hammer?

And why an hour?

"Euth-an-easy."

Euthanasia, made easy...

Oh, my God. Steve.
These are all very bad ideas.

We could combine "Euth-an-easy"
with "Hammer-In-An-Hour."

Get... Stop talking to me!

[Dance music blares]

Hey, everyone!

I have bad news, and I'm told
I have poor bedside manners,

so I only want to shout
this at you idiots once...

This god-awful music is
scaring away the boars.

What?

Yes! No more boars!

No, Chet, that's bad.

We eat the boars.

Holy sh*t.

If we don't convince the pirates

to turn down the music,
everyone but Pack will starve.

Wait. Why won't I starve?

I already told you...

I'm gonna [bleep] you to death.

- Guh.
- Enough!

Back in the real world,
if your neighbor makes your life suck,

you either call the cops,
which is the coward's way, or...

You grab a golf club,
maybe a - or a -iron,

possibly a low wood,

and you smash every window

on their precious cherry red Land Rover!

I called dibs on that color.

I called dibs on red!

Let's fight!

[Cheering]

Hey, guys, if we fight them,
we will be k*lled.

At least we'll go down swingin', baby!

[Cheering]

Smash! [Laughs]

Yeah.

Wait! No one has to die!

I got this.

Man, you took the wind
right outta my sail!

[Drum and bass music blaring]

[Music turns off]

What are you doing back here?

I feel like we got
off on the wrong foot.

So I brought you guys some...

golf clubs!


And why would we give a sh*t

about some clubs?

Because these are

the most valuable things on the island.

These clubs were once used by

-time Masters champion
and noted sex addict...

Tiger Woods!

I love Tiger!

Oh, sh*t.

Tiger's the best, man.

I'd have sh*t his ass if said Ernie Els.

Game on.

Ooh! Let it fly.

What is this, Pebble Beach?

[Laughs]

So good.

You mind if I grab one
of these cold ones?

Thanks, bud.

- So, here's the sitch...
- [Bottle opens]

you guys are on the island,
we're on the island...

I'd like us all to be friends.

Trust me. You get these
genuine Tigey clubs

out on the black market?

I mean, move over, Jack Sparrow!

Disney's gonna start making
movies about you guys.

You're the captains now!
When exactly did Tiger use these clubs?

Oh, just on this little course,

I don't know if you've ever
heard of it... Augusta!

Whoa! That's where they play
The Masters. Are you kidding me?

It's a tradition unlike any other.

And why do you have them?

Because Tigey's a close personal friend,
baby!

What? I'm a sports agent.

I know all the greats.

Aaron Rodgers,
Serena Williams, Chris Bosh...

You're Chris Bosh's agent?

Hell yeah! Me and
Bosh-dog are hella tight!

No, you're not.

What? Chris Bosh's agent
is Greta Liebowitz.

You guys know "Game On" Greta?

You're pirates!

- And what?
- Whoa.

Pirates can't watch sports?

We can't have hobbies?

Don't stereotype us, bitch!

Also, bad news, it
was a huge story, bro.

It was all over ESPN for weeks.

What story?

Oh!

He doesn't know!

- [Laughs]
- Yo, my man.

Chris Bosh slit his own
throat with a samurai sword.

He "k*ll Bill'd" himself.

Whaaaaat?!



[Slice, thud]

Bosh!

[Gasping] Samurai.

Bandana: But that
samurai sword was fake,

so they put that lying
bitch in prison for fraud.

Greta Liebowitz is doing deals in jail.

Hey, cop.

Oh. Hey, buddy.

Man. Sure hope Pack
can pull this off, huh?

Yeah. Me too.

It's a real shame he doesn't have the
"Limitless" pill.

Hmm.

What?

The pill from that movie, "Limitless"

starring Bradley Cooper, where

I think he takes a pill and
gets all smart and junk?

God, wouldn't it just
be so cool if, like,

that pill existed... in real life?

Yeah, I guess it would be pretty cool.

Aha! Ah!

- I knew it!
- Jesus!

That was my idea!

What, you think Chet came up
with the pill from "Limitless"?!

[Laughs] No way. It was me!

- And you said it was cool!
- I said it was pretty cool.

You didn't wanna team up with me

because I'm an idiot!

But you like my ideas,
and Chet just proved it!

Yeah, I did. Thanks!

- So now we can be partners!
- We will never be partners.

And it's not because you're an idiot,

it's because you're a m*rder*r!

Oh, yeah?

Well, you'd know,
'cause you're a m*rder*r, too, Danny.

Because you m*rder*d all of us!

Do you think it's my fault
that we're all stuck here?

I don't really know, man.

I haven't really thought
about it like that.

But yeah, I guess so!

[Laughing] Yeah!

That sucks.

That sucks!

Later, Danny.

She taught me everything I know...

She taught you to lie.

Wait. Wait.
These aren't Tiger Woods' golf clubs?

What are you, some sort of a sociopath?

Do you know what pirates do to liars?

I-I could guess,
but I don't want to stereotype...

Capris!

Show him.

Oh, my God! You cut his tongue out!

That's way worse than
what I was gonna guess!

Anything you want to say

before you never speak again?

Yeah.

Okay. Here's the truth.

We outnumber you five-to-one.

We thought if we left you alone,
you'd leave us alone.

But you didn't want
to play it like that.

So if you don't want an
uprising on your hands,

learn to share the island.

We'll turn the music down.

We also want our stuff back.

- I can't do that.
- And I can't go back

to my people empty-handed again.

What do you propose?

How you doing?

You shouldn't be seen with me.

I don't want people to hate you, too.

What are you talking about?

It's my fault we're stuck here

with the dead birds and pirates...

See that boat?

That's our way off this island.

I don't know how. I don't know when.

But as long as that boat is here,
we have hope.

It's because of you.

- I guess you're right.
- Yeah.

- Man, I gotta stop talking to Steve.
- Talking to Steve?

Uh, yeah, you should
stop talking to Steve.

That guy is the worst.

Even before he k*lled Turdhole.

I mean, Steve wears socks with Tevas.

He should go to jail for that.

That's should be, like, to life.

Steve always has a mustache.

I've never seen him shave.
What is that about?

Where's he get all the stuff?

Nobody else has the stuff.

Everybody else looks like me or you.

He's always got a perfect mustache.

That's weird. Steve is weird.

Something's not right with that guy,

and it's not just the
socks and the Tevas,

it's not the m*rder, it's the accent...

Oh, hi, Danny.

I owe you an apology.

I know how it feels to be
falsely called a m*rder*r.

Anyway.

I'm... sorry.

I'll let you be alone with your dad.

You know my dad...

he thought I was a big, fat idiot.

Now matter what I did.

So I guess as a way to
give him a big "F-U,"

if we get off this island,

I'd be happy to invest in "RisoGurt."

Really?!

Yeah.

Oh, wow!

I was thinking we could change the name.

- Maybe "Ris-o-Go"...
- No.

Go? Go where?

Well, you're taking it on the go.

Nah, it's stupid.

No deal.

No, it's "RisoGurt," or I'm out.

Uh, okay. Fine. Whatever.

"RisoGurt" it is.

[Laughing] Oh.

Yeah! Oh! Okay, okay.

Oh, there it is.

Partners!

The Gurt Brothers!

It's Pack!

Pack's coming back!

Everybody, Pack's back!

And he brought buckets of brews!

There's no more music.

There's no more music!

There's no more music!

[Cheering]

Yes!

You did it, buddy! I did it!

Where's your glasses?

I threw 'em in the ocean.

I don't think I'm gonna be
needing those anymore...

What?

What?
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