02x05 - No One Rides for Free

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wrecked"...

The Barracuda: You'll come
by my tent every night.

What's in it for me?

I'm kidding. Obviously, sex, isn't it?

Oh, and I'm pregnant.
And you're the father.

Obviously, there's no way
that she's pregnant.

Okay. What do you need me to do?

Just one more big push, Rosa.

- Okay.
- You can do it.

Oh, my! [Gasps]

It's a baby!

Bye.

♪

- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh!

- We did it!
- Oh, my God!

- [Laughs]
- [Laughing] Oh!

[Sighs]

You did it.

Okay, you're a good doctor,
Dr. Florence.

No, I'm not.

I'm a bad doctor.

- What?
- I'm a naughty doctor.

♪

What are you gonna do about it?

- What do I want to do about it?
- Yeah.

♪

[Seagulls calling]

Ahh!

Jesus, Karen!

The pirates returned our luggage.

Also, you have a boner.

Come on!

♪

Well, all my jewelry's gone,

but it's not a total bust,

because they left me with...
a single Q-tip.

Oh, God damn it!

The cut all the nipples
out of my shirts!

[Chuckles]

Hey, I cut the titties out!

[Laughs]

What's up, dawg?

I mean, I think that's a good look.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

You think that this is a good look.

Oh, yeah. You could pull that off.

I'm glad they stole your jewelry.

What is happening over there?

Are they flirting?

- [Laughs]
- What the hell... Mario?

Florence: It's gonna be painful.
Mm-hmm.

Aw, pbht! Check me,
I'll figure it out.

Hey!

Hey!

Are you friends flirting?

- What?!
- What?!

- Flirting...
- We're not flirting.

- We're talking.
- Oh, my God. You're flirting!

Oh. Turns out I was flirting.

Oh, what?

Yes! [Laughs]

Babe, they didn't take

my Roger by Roger Federer sweatbands.

Suckers were sitting on a gold mine,

didn't even know it.

I don't get it.

Why would they give us
our stuff back now?

- Who cares?
- They must be leaving.

Good riddance. Pirate
rule is horse sh*t.

Todd, these pirates are our last
chance to get off the island.

If that boat leaves, we die here.

But I don't want to die here.

I want to die in Scottsdale.

We all do.

That's why we got to
get on that boat.

How? We got nothing to offer.

Th-There is one thing.

[Dramatic music plays]

I don't know. I really
like these sweatbands.

I got to bang one of these pirates.

What?!

There is no way I'm gonna
let one of these scum sacks

anywhere near your smokin'-hot
boobies and butt.

Okay, you think I want to do this?

- Yeah.
- This is the only way.

In exchange for sex, we ask
for two spots on the ship.

It's a classic

- reverse indecent proposal.
- Reverse indecent proposal.

- Exactly.
- Hell, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, hell, no.

I just made peace with you and Chet.

I don't think I could handle
you boning down with a pirate.

Plus, what makes you think
one of these pud-knockers

would even go for it?

Well, t*nk Top's been
flirting with me.

What!?

Yeah. He's, like, totally into me.
It's so obvious. Come on.

All I'm saying is that if we offer,

I know he'll say yes.

Except he won't be able to, 'cause
I'm gonna m*rder him by k*lling him.

- Oh, my God. Todd, listen to me.
- Do this.

Look.

This is about saving our lives.

And besides, a wiener just a wiener.

- Okay?
- Don't cheek-stroke me.

- You know I hate that.
- Listen to me.

I am your babe, and your babe only.

No matter what.

Fine.

But you have to wear like condoms.

That's not how condoms work.

And you have to wrap
a shirt around it.

No!

Oh, whew!

[Romantic music playing]

I bet your dead husband never
gave it to you like that.

[Scoffs] He sure didn't.

But it'll do.

So, I've been, uh,

I've been thinking a
little bit about us.

I have things to do.

Things to do!

It's a Monday, isn't it?

You know, you act all tough.

But I think inside, you're
actually very tender.

I'm not.

Now, if you let me in,

I bet old Steve could...

The Barracuda. Oh, sh*t.

Uh, the buyer came through.

Hello, V-Neck. The
buyer's come through?

[Whispering] Who's the buyer?

Can you get out?

[Normal voice] What
about our conversation?

- Now!
- All right!

♪

- Todd: 'Sup, dude?
- Jess: Hey. [Laughs]

Working hard or hardly
working, right?

[Laughs]

Working hard.

- Very cool.
- Mm.

So, it looks like you dawgs

are tearin' out of here soon, huh?

Yeah, sucks!

Feels like we barely got
to know each other.

Okay. What's going on?

'Cause I've got a lot
of sorting to do,

and I need this
interaction to be over.

Well, we were just
saying that, you know,

it would be so great

if we could just go
on that boat with you

and just, like,

really, you know, get
to know each other.

Yeah. Not gonna happen.

Okay.

Well, what if I have sex with you?

[Dramatic music plays]

Reverse indecent proposal.

That's a bold move.

That's a risky move.

What makes you think
I'd be interested?

[Scoffs]

Well, I mean, you've
been flirting with me

- for weeks, so...
- No, I haven't.

- Oh! Busted!
- No.

[Chuckling] Oh, my God.

She thinks everyone
is flirting with her.

- No, I don't!
- Uh, yeah, you do.

My friend Chuck, Tony Touch,

Bake Show, Gawler, my boy O-Ring...

Okay, O-Ring literally
proposed to me.

- So, that's...
- So have I!

That literally means nothing!

t*nk Top: Shh! Keep it... hey!
Keep your voices down.

So, you know what? I
am interested, but...

I want something different.

I'm talkin' about a reverse
reverse indecent proposal.

So, a... decent proposal?

See, it turns out, um...

I'm quite bi-curious.

- Oh!
- Oh, no.

So yeah, I think I can
get you on that boat,

but, uh, I'm gonna want
to do both of you.

Together.

♪

This dude's crazy.

He's playing mind games with us.

What are you talking about?

You've always wanted
to have a threesome.

I've always wanted to have a
threesome with another girl.

Four boobies, one dong...
the way God intended.

Read the Bible!

Uh, why can't it be two
boobs and two dongs, huh?

What? The hell kind of math is that?

- Are you serious?
- Oh, my God.

Todd, are you really
not gonna do this?

I just... I think that we
should go back to the OG plan

and tell him that it's
you and you alone.

minutes ago, you didn't
want me to do that at all!

Babe, it's like you said...
a wiener's a wiener.

Oh, my God. And a butt's a butt.

So you man up,

and you [bleep] that pirate with me.

Jess, come on.

Hey!

This reverse reverse
indecent proposal

is tearing us apart!

[Chuckles]

So weird how everyone was teasing us

about that we were flirting.

It's like, "What?"

- What? [Laughs]
- Right?

We're all stuck on
this island together.

It's not like we're
gonna start hooking up

and, like, in the bushes,

just going down on each other.

[Chuckles]

That's exactly what... why
I thought it was so funny.

- It's insane.
- Steve: Florence!

Can I have a word with
you, just the two of us?

Yeah, just... just you and I?

Um...

Okay.

Well, uh, hypothetically,

if you were in a
relationship with someone...

- Hmm.
- and you wanted

- to take it to the next level...
- Oh.

what would you do?

How well do you know each other?

Well, let's just say we're...
having sex. [Chuckles]

You really expect us to believe
that someone on this island

who has met you is
having sex with you?

Yes, Owen, because it's true!

[Laughs]

I can't hold it in! We're doing it!

- Doggy-style...
- All right.

- Oh!
- wheelbarrow,

upside-down, how's your father...

Mm. Oh, wow.

so sexually, it's, uh, pretty good.

Oh, it sounds like it.

I just need some advice
on the emotional front.

Okay.

Steve, whoever this is or isn't...

- Oh, it is.
- Sure.

She probably just wants you to...

tell her how you feel...

so she can know if the vibe is real.

♪

What is that? Is that,
like, a song lyric?

No, Steve. Okay?

Just, I don't know,
take her on a date.

Oh, a date. Of course.

- Yeah.
- Like a picnic.

Sure, yeah. That's cute.

Thank you, Florence.

And Owen, a bit rude standing there,

just listening to our conversation.

- Oh, I apologize.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- A bit rude.

[Groans] Stupid Todd
with his stupid penis!

I mean, why can't he
just have a threesome?

What is the worst that could happen?

[Jam music plays]

Whoa!

Hell, yeah.

Some ponging.

That thing... that's hilarious.

Yeah, I thought we could
chill a little bit

before we get to humping.

Brews in the fridge, you guys.
Help yourselves.

Sick.

Lovin' the jam-band tunes.

Wait, are those...

Roger by Roger Federer sweatbands?

Of course.

I don't hit the links without 'em.

- You play golf?
- You bet.

I'm still working on my
scratch game. I'm a...

- Eight handicap.
- Eight handicap.

[Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" plays]

What are we doing?

♪ Ooh ♪

Jess, you can go.

I'm gay now.

What?

I don't love you.

♪ I've never seen you
looking so lovely ♪

- I love you.
- ♪ As you did tonight ♪

I know this is quick, but...

will you gay marry me?

You gay bet I will.

♪ I've never seen so many men
asking if you wanted to dance ♪

[Screams]

Oh, God.

We can't do it.

He'll fall in love.

[Gasps]

The hell's her problem?

I got to bang some dude?

[Grunts, groans]

Why can't she just do it solo?

[Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" plays]

Wow.

[Sighs]

- This is so...
- Romantic?

♪ Ooh ♪

You deserve it.

♪ Ooh ♪

See anything you like?

- No.
- ♪ I've never... ♪

What?

That's tiny. Todd has
a way bigger dong.

What if I just go down on
you for like a few hours?

Eh, no way. Hate that stuff.

Well, your boyfriend
already turned me down,

and if you don't have sex with me,

I'll k*ll both of you.

I don't care.

I want Todd and Todd only.

Even if it kills us.

Aah!

I am... furious!

I will k*ll everyone!

[Gasps]

Oh, God.

I've got to be there.

She loves me too much.

Jess: Todd!

Todd!

Jess!

Todd!

[Grunts]

You were right. We can't
have a threesome.

No, you were right.

We have to have a threesome.

I let you go in there alone,

you'll get us both k*lled.

- Wait, what?
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Let's go bang a pirate.

Where are you taking me?

I thought you said there
was an emergency.

It's a picnic emergency.

I don't have time for
this right now, Steve.

I'm very busy.

Five minutes.

Maybe seven.

[Sighs]

Okay.

So, unfortunately,

I don't have any real picnic food

because we're stuck
on a deserted island.

So you wrote the word
"cheese" on a rock?

- Fancy some wine?
- [Laughs]

All right. Let's do this.

Take your pants off.

Uh, actually, um, I brought you here

because I want us to talk.

Um, get to know each other.

I'll go first.

So, something you don't know about me

is I used to be married.

Okay?

And my ex... she cheated on me.

She used me.

And I swore I would never
let it happen again,

no matter how pipin' hot the sex was.

You don't want to have sex anymore.

[Stammers] No, no! That's not it!

Please.

I'm just trying to get
you to let me in.

I know that deep down,

underneath that cool,
tough pirate-girl image,

you're a nice person.

[Scoffs]

You don't give up, do you, Steve?

The Barracuda!

Aah, V-Neck!

Have you heard of knocking?

Where am I supposed to knock, Steve?

What is it?

The deal's ready to be finalized.

I have to go.

♪

Thanks for the cheese.

♪

Hey.

We... We talked over your offer,

and... we'll do it.

Well, all right.

But we're gonna need
to make some rules.

Rule number one...

You're not allowed to fall
in love with each other!

- What?
- What?

Why would that even be a rule?

It is a rule!

You both have to agree
to it, or no deal.

- All right.
- Yeah, of course.

Okay. Actual rule number one...

I hump you, you don't hump me.

Wow. That's interesting.

You're sure you don't even want
to try it just a little bit?

We'll play it by ear.

Final rule!

I pick the music, strictly jam bands.

No!

No jam bands!

No harmonicas, no
improvising, no solos.

- Oh, this is not the girl who was like...
- One guitar...

- "Take me to Widespread..."
- noodling thingie...

- again and again and again and...
- whatever that is.

- [Indistinct shouting]
- Whoa, whoa whoa!

God, you guys fight a lot, huh?

- No.
- Yes.

So, you down to clown or what?

[Chuckles]

Does it look like I'm down to clown?

- Oh, wow.
- That's miming.

No, that's not clowning.

That's real bad miming.

- [Gasps]
- My God.

- That's...
- Oh, God.

- Oh, no.
- Wow.

- God bless!
- Oh, man!

S-So, how should we...
how should we start?

You in her, and them me in
her, and then we touch butts?

Or you want more of a sandwich sitch?

Shh. Or...

Show me how you normally
start when you're alone.

- Oh, we got this act down.
- Oh. Yeah.

Quick and dirty. Jess, hop to it.

- [Groans]
- [Spitting]

t*nk Top: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey hey! Stop. What,
are you spitting?

Jesus, man! What's happening?

What? You told us to start slammin'.
No, no, no.

We're not gonna be slammin' anything.

We will be making love,

and love is about coming together.

[Both laugh]

That's impossible.

No, I mean becoming one.

You two need to start listening
to each other's bodies.

I mean really hear each other,
do you know what I mean?

I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.

Okay. Face each other.

Todd, look at Jess.

Nope, in the eyes.

In the eyes?

Why would I...

Whoa.

Wow.

What is happening to us?

I'm getting all...

goose-pimply.

[Chuckles]

Now, Jess, I'm guessing

that little plank-board
situation from before

isn't exactly how you
like to get down.

So why don't you tell Todd

exactly what you want
him to do to you?

Like, with words, or...?

Yeah, with words. That's... yes.

Kiss...

my neck.

Your neck?

♪

I mean, okay.

[Moans]

What's that sound? Am I hurting you?

No!

No, I-I-I liked it.

Yeah.

Now we're getting going.

[Laughs]

Now it's t*nk Top Time.

Man: All right.

So, he says he'll give
you $ , a pop

and he'll take everyone under ,

so that leaves islanders.

The Barracuda: Tell
him I said $ , ,

and I want them gone tomorrow.

What about everybody else?

k*ll them.

Aah!

♪

Caught this one
outside, eavesdropping.

- You want me to k*ll him?
- Steve: Please, no!

I didn't hear anything.

I've actually got an
ear infection, so...

- I'm just...
- The Barracuda: No.

I've decided Steve will
be coming with us.

♪

- Wow!
- [Gasps]

I never felt so close to you.

I never felt so close to you.

t*nk Top: Whoo!

Oh! Tell me about it, huh?

- Yeah.
- [Sighs]

Whoo! [Laughs]

- Man, I feel loose!
- Yeah.

I'll tell you what. Your timing
couldn't have been any better.

Yeah, I feel like we really
got into a nice rhythm there,

you know?

No, no. I mean The Barracuda.

She's about to round
up all your friends

and cut out their organs,
sell 'em on the black market.

[Scoffs]

Come again?

Kidneys! Yeah, those
things sell, man.

I tell you what, you guys
are precious capital.

You'll have to k*ll everyone.

Yeah, but you know what?

You guys don't worry,
'cause you're good.

You're gonna be on that boat with me.

And every day is gonna
be t*nk Top Time.

[Laughs]

Whoo!

[Laughs] t*nk Top Time!

Todd.

Todd, we have to tell everyone!

Okay, yeah, that's great,

but let's just think this through.

Think what through? They're
gonna k*ll everyone!

I know. I know, all right?

But if we tell everyone
what's going on,

we'll lose our place on the ship.

That means we just had a threesome

with a pirate named
t*nk Top for nothing!

He was putting his fingers in me,

- unless that was you.
- Okay, shh.

Todd, look at me. Look at me.

Even if we die,

what we just did in there
was not for nothing.

It was for us.

[Both chuckle] I love you so much.

I love you. Now, let's
go tell our friends

they're about to get m*rder*d.

Okay, but we should
wash our hands first.

Hurry up.

Man: So I broke these two fingers

punching him right in the chin,

and that's how I got thrown
off the set of "La Bamba."

There you are!

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Okay, hi.

I was hanging out with Florence.

I see.

Is there anything you'd
like to say to me?

No.

Okay. Um, fine.

Uh, I think, you know,

that we might kind of
be into each other,

but, uh, I'm not really sure

'cause we haven't even
really talked about it.

Okay, dude.

Do not do this, all right?

First you're gonna hook up,
then you're gonna break up,

and then you're gonna
be stuck together

here on the island.

Well... that's what she said.

I don't get it.

Get what?

"That's what she said"? How's
that a "That's what she said"?

No, that's literally what she said.

Okay, I don't think you
understand how the joke works.

No, I'm not doing the joke.

I'm telling you what she told me.
That's what she said.

Yeah, but usually, you have to do it

in, like, a reference
to a sexual thing,

- like, "That's what she said."
- I understand.

- I understand the joke.
- Todd: Guys! Guys!

- They're gonna k*ll us!
- The pirates... they're gonna k*ll us!

Todd: We got to get our sh*t!

We got to get our sh*t, we
got to get out of here!

Whoa whoa whoa, wait! Slow down.
What is happening?

The pirates...

they're gonna harvest our
organs and sell them.

- Man: Sure they are.
- What?

Wait, how did you guys find this out?

Because we just had...

Never mind! It's not important.

Guys! Guys!

The pirates... they're gonna k*ll us!

We know, Steve. Todd
and Jess just told us.

- [Sobbing]
- Oh.

[Sobbing continues]

Steve, man.

If it means that much to you,

you can come back in.

We'll pretend we didn't know.

It's not that!

I thought The Barracuda
was a good person.

I've been sleeping with a monster!

[Gasps] What?

- The Barracuda?
- What?

I couldn't say anything!
She was gonna k*ll me!

Steve... this Steve...

has been banging The Barracuda!

How?!

He's lying. Is he lying? He's lying.

- Yeah, he's got to be lying.
- Karen: Hey!

There are more important
issues at hand here!

Like the fact that our kidneys

are about to be ripped
out of our asses!

Guys, what are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're all gonna die!

[Screaming]