04x10 - Chapter Seventy-Four

[bunniefuu]

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Hello, #Jafael shippers.

I hope you can keep your mouth shut,

because Jane and Rafael
are secretly exploring

their feelings for each other.

Also keeping a secret?

Petra's lawyer, Jane Ramos,

AKA J.R.

See, she's working
with some shady figures

to get Petra thrown in jail.

Straight out of a telenovela, right?

Well, imagine this.

Jane's father put his career
on hold to focus

on being a stay-at-home dad
to his baby, Baby.

Only that turned out
to be boring, boring.

Also stuck? Our Jane.

See, she had writer's block.

And to make matters worse,

Petra got herself a book deal.

Okay! (LAUGHS)

And then this happened.

Jane, will you ghostwrite my book?

And speaking of complicated coworkers,

Alba is still working with Jorge,

after she rejected
his marriage proposal.

No.

And so, he moved on,
leaving our abuela single

and ready to mingle.

So, open the sunroof,

'cause it's about to get hot in here.

Friends,

Jane's Gloriana Villanueva's
sexual evolution

went through many stages.

Fear.

(MOANS) We should stop!

Denial.

Temptation.

I'm fine! I really want
to do this. I'm...

Negotiation.

Wow.

How do you feel?

Good. I feel good.

Acceptance.

Liberation.

And, finally...

(MOANING)

Let me just put the seat down.

Car sex.

(MOANING)

No, no, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't want to do this.

Are you insane?

We can't have sex for
the first time in a car.

(LAUGHS): Oh... Mwah!

- Sure, we can.
- No.

Oh, hey. No, no, no, no. (GIGGLING)

No way. Not after how judgy
you were about that kiss.

(SCOFFS)

I need my full range of motion. Mm.

Mm! (PANTS)

(SIGHS)

JANE: Okay, so let's go upstairs

- to your apartment.
- The girls

will be here in minutes.

And we don't have to rush this.

The whole point of dating
in secret is to see

if we can be a normal couple.

So I'm taking you out first.

On a date.

Oh. So romantic.

Make it a short date. (MOANS)

Let me see your dating profile!

Oh, come on. Let me see what you got.

(GROANS)

Okay, that's a good start.

It's a little...

rigid.

Clergymen and monks?

Because that's what you're
gonna get with this profile.

(SIGHS)

Fine. Then look around and make a move.

Or I'm gonna change that profile

and I'm gonna describe
you as “fun-loving”"

Abuela, when we sell this,
I can quit the lounge.

Plus, it'll give me a nice
break from having to think

of overly-complicated,
soapy, romantic plots.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Tell me about it.

Book templates.

I want to see what Petra responds to.

Hmm?

Unfortunately,

I didn't respond to any of this.

But that's okay because
how are we supposed to know

what we like if we don't
know what we hate?

Right. Glad I can help with that.

I don't want to be derivative.

I want to create my own brand.

I mean, I can't relate
to Martha Stewart,

Chrissy Teigen or Bethenny Frankel.

I'm a businesswoman, not some celebrity

who's had their name
slapped on a business.

NARRATOR: Hey, back off Chrissy Teigen.

She's a literal legend.

I built this hotel from the ground up.

I want this book to reflect

how hard I've worked. Hey!

Those StairMasters should
obviously be facing the windows.

Sorry. Uh, you didn't specify.

Yeah, I also didn't specifically say

not to put them upside down.
It's common sense.

We're renovating the gym.

I test everything myself
before I put it in the hotel.

I'm that thorough.

See, that's the kind of stuff
the book should be about.

Yeah, got it. That sounds great.

I just need to know the template

so I know what kind of book
I'm writing.

I am the template.

Think outside the box for this book.

Maybe... maybe it's not
even a regular book?

Maybe it's in the shape of me?

Or the hotel?

Got it.

You know, we can decide
the shape of the book later.

For now, we need to submit a proposal.

So, would you say

it's more a autobiography?

Or, uh, would it be more
a lifestyle book?

Or a collection of stories?

Or all three woven together?

Okay, but what category
would it fall into, like, the most?

Let's not categorize.

Does it have pictures or no pictures?

Don't condescend, Jane.

Of course it has pictures
with my new haircut.

Look, I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

I really want this
to be a happy collaboration.

So do I, honestly.

And I love your haircut.

You know, we're just getting
tripped up on hypotheticals.

Let me work on the proposal.

I worked for a publisher.

I can knock this out.

Perfect.

Good plan.

Go forth and write, Jane.

ROGELIO: You can do it.

Roll.

Come on, Baby.

I believe in you.

Use your core.

Oh, good, you're home.

Hello.

How was dance class?

Great.

I love teaching without
the responsibility

of running a studio.

How about you?

Any progress with the roll?

Not yet, but we're plugging away.

I, too, feel like
I am living the dream.

Hon, are you okay?

Of course.

So, you're not at all
regretting your decision

to stay at home with Baby?

I am miserable, Xo.

All Baby does is

sleep and poop and sleep
and poop and sleep.

I thought being home with her
would be fun and fulfilling.

But I'm bored and resentful.

And I'm a monster.

You are not a monster.

Being a stay-at-home
parent is really hard.

So, do you think it's okay
for me to call it?

What? No.

You haven't given it a real sh*t.

But I'm miserable.

You just need some human
contact, the adult kind.

You should join a parent group.

Are there celebrity ones?

You don't need to be
around celebrities.

Just normal parents

who are feeling what you're feeling.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, Jane,

just reinvent the book form.

No pages, no chapters, no words,

but definitely a narrator.

Good idea.

Just free-associate. Get loose.

Harsh.

Much better.

Petra is strong, determined, driven...

Insulted.

Flat-out insulted.

That's the only way to describe it.

“I strive to create

a work environment that feels
warm and communicative”?

I would never say that.

It-it-it's too...

- Nice?
- Nauseating!

And frankly, I'm... (SCOFFS)

I'm feeling judged here.

I just softened it a bit to
paint you in a better light

to help sell the book.

Better light to whom?

I hate this woman.

And I like myself, Jane.

I am really sorry.

I didn't mean to insult you.

I know.

Look, our friendship and family
is really important to me.

Ah, me, too.

Then maybe we should protect that

and I should find
a different ghostwriter.

All right, let's just calm down
for a bit.

I think that this
is gonna work out just fine.

I mean, we've worked together
for years at the Marbella.

That's true.

Right? This is just a new dynamic.

We just need to find our groove.

How long will that take?

What? Finding our groove?

Yes.

- I mean, I don't know.
- Because running a hotel

- It's not exactly a set thing, but I...
- is very time-consuming.

I have a million problems
to solve, fires to put out.

That's what I wish
you understood, Jane.

The-the rigors of my daily life.

(SLAPS DESK)

You should shadow me.

Shadow you?

Follow me around.

Really get inside my head.

That way, you-you could see

how much I accomplish every day.

You'll gain respect for me
because how could you not?

And then you'll be able
to write the book.

That sounds great.

It's gonna be a nightmare.

But you know what?

I'm gonna suck it up
because this could be

a great way to make money writing

- until inspiration strikes.
- Hey.

Are you ready for work?

Hey, yeah. Almost ready.

MATEO: Daddy, wait.

I need your help
with my school project.

XIOMARA: Oh, how cute.

You're making a family tree

at school.

Yes, but I couldn't think of anyone

on Daddy's side except Auntie Petra.

I was adopted and both
my parents passed away.

Remember? I'm sorry you
never got to meet them.

NARRATOR: Really? One was a thief

and the other was a serial k*ller.

I can give you their names.

Just don't Google them.

What about your real parents?

You mean his biological parents.

Uh, actually, buddy, I
don't know who they are.

Don't you want to know?
Maybe they're pirates.

RAFAEL: Maybe, but I'm kind of happy

with the way things are.

- But what if...
- And the good news

is that your mommy's side
of the family is so big

and so filled with love

that maybe you just
focus on that, okay?

We should get to work.

NARRATOR: And, friends,

it should be noted that by “work,”

he meant...

their top secret date.

Well, hello there.

I'm Rafael.

Jane.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ooh, role-play as foreplay.

So, where are you from?

I'm a local, actually, born and raised.

- What about you?
- Well...

Here and there. I don't
really have deep roots.

Wait, is this about what Mateo said

about your parents?

Who's Mateo?

Sorry.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Never mind.

I'm kind of a rolling stone.

- Okay, what?
- Nothing.

Look, I'm happy about
my decision not to find them.

You just don't seem happy.

Because you keep asking me about it.

Can I get a scotch, neat?

Please don't judge.

I'm not.

Fine, I am a little,

but not because of the scotch,

but because you are shutting down

and you do not want to engage.

That's right, Jane. I don't.

(SIGHS)

Should we do this another night?

Yeah. I have a big day
tomorrow with Petra.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us to...

We are almost completely out
of sea bass, Bob.

Already?

Yes, and running out is unacceptable.

Jane, write down that
that is unacceptable.

Look, I need a shipment
no later than this afternoon,

and if you can't do it,
I'll switch vendors.

You don't think there are
other fishmongers in town?

Please, Ms. Solano, I...

- Don't “please” me.
- I just...

I'm not the one who made the mistake.

Sorry to jump in, but I was
in the kitchen earlier,

and we do have one pallet
of sea bass left.

So we should be good until tomorrow.

Thank you for your input, Jane.

I'll check on it and get back to you.

You're dismissed.

- Jane!
- Hmm?

The first two letters
in shadow are shhh!

I was just trying to help.

You weren't helping,
you were interfering.

You think I don't know about
that extra pallet back there?

Then why did you thr*aten to fire him?

To instill fear.

Employees need to worry
they're going to lose their jobs.

Keeps them on their toes.

What?

- Nothing.
- Oh, just say it.

Fine, since you said
I was your moral compass.

I just think there are kinder
ways to motivate your employees.

Interesting.

And how many successful
businesses have you run?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, snap!

Exactly.

Look, I can't have you shadow me

if you're going to judge me
the whole time.

Now I have to go.

Going to that parenting group

was the best thing I could have done.

It was so helpful.

- Really?
- Yes.

There was this mom who
felt exactly like me.

She loved her son, but she
didn't love taking care of him.

See, I told you, it's totally normal.

Yes. I thought I was struggling

because I went from
being a famous person

to a regular person, you know,

but everything this mom said

about postpartum depression rang true.

And then I realized I had it.

What?

Postpartum depression.

You can't have postpartum depression.

Y-You didn't... partum.

- Pardon?
- You didn't give birth.

I know, Xiomara,

but what this mom said,

I felt the exact same way,

so I Googled male postpartum depression

during “Wheels on the Bus,”

and men can definitely have it, too.

That's ridiculous.

It has to do with hormone levels.

And I have hormones, too.

And this birth
definitely affected them.

So I'm not going to suffer in silence.

PETRA: I don't understand.

You said if I cooperated
with the police,

then they would leave me alone.

Why do they want to question me again?

Look, I'm surprised, too.

NARRATOR: It should
be noted she was not surprised

because this bitch
was trying to frame Petra.

They used the blueprints
to recreate the scene,

and apparently,

there were some screws missing
from Anezka's balcony railing,

which would suggest premeditation.

They think I k*lled her on purpose?

Unfortunately, they're
not ruling it out.

(STAMMERS)

This is ridiculous.

Clearly, my sister

or my mother, or some combination

of the two were trying to k*ll me.

Then you say that in the interview.

Don't worry.

All you have to do

is tell the truth.

RAFAEL: The truth is...

I overreacted last night, big-time.

And I'm sorry.

You were right.

No, look, I... I was thrown,

I-I shut down,

I lashed out.

And I should have let it go, but...

(DOOR CLOSES)

My grandma's coming.

- Um, rain check tomorrow after work?
- Mm-hmm.

(GASPS)

Wait, really?

Who's Ronaldo?

Her church crush. And?

What do you mean you think?

Either he asked you or he didn't.

Abuela...

No. Cancel it.

Uh...

I have plans tomorrow night.

What?

Okay, I'll go.

Get it, girl.

PETRA: I have a lot of
interesting observations

because I'm a very perceptive person.

PETRA (OVER LAPTOP):
I'll just make them up as we go,

but definitely get across
that I'm observant.

And I pick up on everything.

Wow, this voice memo thing
is pretty great, actually.

I can communicate
and not see you standing there,

(LAUGHS): judging me
with that judgy Jane face.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yup, that's the face.

- PETRA: Anyway...

Oh... uh, Petra made me voice memos

because the shadow thing
wasn't working.

Mm-hmm.

PETRA: So that's why
lining up wallpaper precisely

is important.

Now, why did I bring that up?
I can't remember.

I've lost my train of thought.
Well, eh, you'll find it.

You have to demand
what you want in this world.

You can't sit around
and wait to be handed it.

Make big choices
because, otherwise, Ellie,

Anna is going to walk all over you.

ELLIE: Sorry, Mommy.

PETRA: Stop apologizing.

Go get your ice cream back from her.

(PETRA SPEAKING CZECH)

Essentially, it means if you
pat a snake with a bare foot,

don't be surprised if someone
poops in your shoe.

It may not translate.

Okay, okay.

PETRA: Forget I said that.

Oh, wow, I needed a break
from that voice.

NARRATOR: Me, too.

PETRA: Well, I'm glad you're here.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, come on.

It was ridiculously easy
for me to figure out.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, it's the real thing.

I really should be a detective.

What are you talking about?

The screws on the Juliet balcony,

they're called Mueller screws.

You can't just unscrew them
with any old screwdriver.

You need a Mueller screwdriver.

The day Anezka d*ed,

a Mueller screwdriver was signed out
and never returned.

And guess who signed it out?

Go ahead, show her, Vinnie.

Your mother.

VINNIE: Yup.

I remember when she came in
'cause she was with the twins.

- What?
- Yeah.

I remember 'cause I can never tell

which one is which, and on that day,

(FADING): I guessed right.
I was really relieved, actually.

(HEART b*ating)

Petra?

You okay?

Yeah, fine.

I just need a minute.

(BEEP BREATHING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Sorry.

It's like it's all just hitting me.

My mother wanted me dead.

And who knows when she'll turn back up.

And I'm just so tired, honestly,
of just having to...

always be on my guard.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

But I have to.

Because... well, you heard.

She was with my daughters.

How did she get to my daughters?

I'm sorry.

This isn't your problem.

Yes, it is.

And I'm gonna fix this.

Let's rehearse what you're
gonna say to the police.

I thought you said
we don't have to rehearse.

Yeah, well...

I changed my mind.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, friends.

Straight out of a telenovela, right?

Which brings us to...

(PHONE CHIMING RAPIDLY)

Wow,

I'm getting lots of replies.

Eh... Not all of them are kind,

but most aren't verified,

so who cares, right?

(PHONE CHIMES) (ROGELIO GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Baby, I just got a reply
from River Fields.

She's a major icon
with legendary eyebrows.

(GIGGLING)

Yes! This is big-league, Baby.
Let's see what she has to say.

You back off with the
“momsplaining,” River Fields.

(COOS)

I agree with you, Baby. She stinks.

(GIGGLES)

XIOMARA: Hello,

sexy lady.

Oh, that's right.

Have fun on your date, Jane.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yup. He saves babies.

For a living.

Abuela...

Ooh, I want to see.

ALBA: Eh?

Hello!

Jane, he is fine.

Okay, stop.

(DOOR OPENS)

Da, da, da! May I now present
an announcement

from Papa that will make everyone...

What's my line again?

ROGELIO: “Faint.”

Faint!

What?

You are looking at a celebrity
who has been invited

on The Talk to debate River Fields

on the topic
of male postpartum depression.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

Rogelio, you can't.

I can, and I will.

Don't you remember what happened

when she took down Tom Cruise?

JANE: Yeah, Dad,
she's an American sweetheart.

If something goes wrong,
you can ruin your chance

at having an American career.

Fine.

I'll pass.

(ALL SIGHING) (PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, look.

River sent out another tweet.

What do I think
about Rogelio de la Vega?

Well, I, uh... (CHUCKLES)

I think he is a second-rate
telenovela actor

who's spreading ignorance online.

The guy needs to keep his mouth
shut, stay in his lane.

XIOMARA: Rogelio...

Calm down.

No.

I will not calm down.

River Fields

has no idea what awaits her

on The Talk, because I am
going on the show.

But I will not be talking.

I will be

yelling!

You have to stop leading
with that, Abuelo.

I didn't think he was.

- So, should we order?
- CHRIS: Sure.

Let me grab the waiter.

WAITER: So what can I get for you guys?

ALBA: I'll have the salmon, thank you.

And I'll take the steak, medium rare.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

And is the sauce on that spicy?

A little, but we can
put it on the side.

And actually, I think I'll do...

mashed potatoes instead of spinach.

Why not?

WAITER: For you, sir?

CHRIS: I'll take the chicken,

please, with a side salad.

(GASPS) WAITER: Very good.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Move your head!

WAITER: And for you?

- ALBA: Jane?
- Huh?

Uh...

Oh, uh, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

I-I'll have the salmon.

(KEYS CLICKING)

RAMOS (EXHALES): Deep breath.

They're just gonna ask
the same questions over and over

to try to find inconsistencies.

Just keep it simple.

You got this.

Just don't let them rattle you.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us to...

You were great.

Perfect, not rattled.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
True, for the record.

I'd show you,
but it was pretty dry stuff.

Hopefully, we'll get a call

that you're no longer
a person of interest.

And then,

we go our separate ways.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.

Looks like someone's
having trouble letting go.

Well, thank you, J.R.

No problem.

Pete.

Did you just give my nickname
a nickname?

(PHONE VIBRATING)

NARRATOR: Oh, no.

Another burner phone?

Where did that come from?

CHRIS: I thought
they'd send me to jail.

For stealing communion wine?

(LAUGHS) I was . I had stolen
the blood of Christ.

I was just hoping
they wouldn't crucify me.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Huh?

It looks like they're
hitting it off, huh?

That's why you're here, too, right?

Oh, totally.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Do you need to check those?

It could be your babysitter.

No, it's not.

RONALDO: Well, that was the best meal

I've had in ages.

(LOUD CLATTERING) Huh?

JANE: Will you excuse me?

I need to go to the restroom.

What are you doing?

You stopped returning my texts.

Are you seriously jealous?

(STAMMERS)
He was whispering in your ear.

About how our grandparents
are having a good time.

Come on. Where is this coming from?

It's coming from the fact
that I'll never be a Chris.

A Catholic doctor?

Uncomplicated.

Light.

NARRATOR: I mean,
way to generalize about Chris.

I don't want you to be a Chris.

I just want us to be able
to communicate.

I want that, too.

But I'm worried that every time

I get down about something,
every time I want

to have a drink,
or I don't want to talk,

you're gonna judge me.

I've been walking
on eggshells around you.

Honestly, I've been walking

on eggshells around you, too,
trying not to be

too judgy.

You're right. I am.

Ah.

(ALBA AND RONALDO LAUGH)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
That's right, player.

Alba's moving on, too.

Right, Alba?

Uh, Alba?

Abuela? Are you sure you're okay?

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna listen to Petra.

She sent two more hours
of voice memos during dinner.

PETRA: You have to be aggressive, Jane.

No two ways about it. (DISH BREAKS)

ALBA: Oh, no.

Abuela, are you okay?

Abuela, it's just a teacup.

Really?

(SAD MUSIC)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Why did you reject his proposal?

I still don't totally
understand what held you back.

(SIGHS)

It's bigger in your mind.

Once you say it, it gets smaller.

Well...

It's like riding a bike.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, you might be older, and
you might feel different

and look different,
but you are not broken.

Okay, you know what?

Come on.

Yes, you can, Abuela.

(LATIN MUSIC)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Am I
the only one getting hungry?

Well, to each his own.

(CHUCKLES)
Trust me, they use these, too.

Now, I was doing a little
research while you were driving,

and it looks like,

as you age,

your vag*na gets dry.

- Jane!
- Lubricant

is all I'm saying. And...

what about this?

(GASPS) (VIBRATING)

It stimulates in two places.

Okay, okay.

We can go more basic.

Hmm? And hot pink.

Look, Abuela, it's on sale.

Well, then, I'm gonna buy it,

because it's not embarrassing.

(JANE CLEARS THROAT)

I'll take this one.

Okay. But heads-up,
it's not on sale anymore.

NARRATOR: And, friends, Jane's instinct

was to accept this, but a
little voice inside her said...

PETRA: Don't let him walk
all over you, Jane.

That is not acceptable.

It was on the half-off rack,
so I want it half off.

It must've been put there by mistake.

PETRA: He's just saying that
because he thinks

you're weak and soft.

There are half a dozen other vibrators

exactly like this one on that rack.

So, you telling me they were all
put there by mistake?

Yup. It was one big vibrator mistake.

No discount.

PETRA: “No” is only where
you start negotiating.

If one of your employees
put that on the wrong rack,

you have a management problem.

And if you haven't changed
the sign, that's your problem,

and you should pay for it.

- Lady...
- Don't you “lady” me.

If you don't give me
that discount, this lady

is gonna leave here and Yelp
the crap out of this place.

And I'm a professional writer,

so I can make you sound
real bad. Hmm. Bart.

- Okay, okay.
- Oh, and,

you are going to comp me
my grandma's lube.

(DOOR OPENS)

You were right.

I know.

About what?

It is important to be forceful

and assertive in regards to business.

Which is why I need
to tell you something.

These voice memos are not working.

This is not how you ghostwrite a book.

So you're saying
we should call it quits?

No, I'm saying you need
to follow my lead.

Business is your area of
expertise, writing is mine.

We'll set up twice-weekly

two hour meetings, during which

I will ask you focused questions,

in which you will provide
focused answers.

Starting today,
right after my shift at : .

Meet me at my penthouse.

Done. Good talk.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends,

that brings us to...

Our next two guests recently got into

a very public spat about
postpartum depression.

I know, interesting topic, right?

Well, here's a father
who claims he has it.

Please welcome Rogelio de la Vega.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, thank you, Julie Chen.

And thank you for having me
on your show to shine

some much-needed celebrity light
on this, uh,

overlooked cause.

The cause being male
postpartum depression?

That is right, Sheryl Underwood, yes.

SHARON: All right,

and on the other side of this debate,

one of our dear, dear friends,

noted actress, activist

and all-around warrior woman.

Please welcome back River Fields.

Stop. (APPLAUSE)

Yes, yes, stop bowing, Sharon Osbourne.

So, uh, what's your take, River?

Male postpartum depression...
is it a thing?

No. I mean, obviously, it's not.

Okay, it's not even close.

ROGELIO: Well, men's
hormone levels drop, too.

I'm sure they do.

And-and I'm sure that

you are feeling sad

'cause your life is changing.

But you don't get
postpartum depression.

Well, I-I know it's not the same thing,

you know, obviously,
but it-it's the same cause.

I wonder, why are you
being so resistant?

(CHUCKLES) Why am I being resistant?

Because you are yet
another male co-opting

the female experience.

You have everything.

Leave postpartum depression alone.

Am I right, ladies? Thank you.

(SOBBING)

Are you okay?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Julie Chen.

I promised myself

I wouldn't cry, but, you know...

'Cause men are expected to be,
like, so strong.

Well, unfortunately, that is all

the time we have, but after the break,

we'll welcome Dr. Evan Antin

with some amazing

exotic animals.

That wasn't as bad
as I thought it would be.

MAN: seconds to live.

(LOW VOICE) Nice touch with the tears.

But don't mess with
America's sweetheart,

or I'll cut you like a Kn*fe.

MAN: And we're live.

Please welcome Dr. Evan Antin

and his friend Rajanya.

- Hi. Thank you so much for having me.
- So, Doctor,

Rajanya's endangered, right?

- That's correct.
- You know, last year,

in my role as Greenpeace Ambassador,

I got to visit a wolf sanctuary.

It was such a moving experience.

This is not your segment, River.

No, let Dr. Evan Antin

have his moment.

EVAN: So, Rajanya responds really well

to human commands,
but we need to remain calm,

because we don't want to excite him.

He might look like a little dog,

but he's actually
a ferocious wild animal.

Well, maybe he's just
mad because he has

male postpartum depression.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You are as unfunny
as you are untalented.

RIVER: Please.

I saw an episode

of The Passions of Santos.

How many hours a day

do you have to exercise

to digest all the
scenery that you chew?

The Passions of Santos is
the most watched

telenovela in history,
and I'm gonna bring it

to the American audience
very, very soon.

(GROWLING)

Let's take a breath, shall we?

EVAN: That's right. Remember,

we don't want to excite Rajanya.

At least I still have a career.

The last thing I saw you in
was a deodorant commercial,

and you stunk up my screen.

I k*lled that commercial,
and you are just jealous

because the only thing
you get paid to endorse

is some Japanese fart medicine!

It's a laxative! (GROWLS)

And it's highly efficient and respected

- in the medical circles.
- Oh...

- Guys, seriously...
- How dare you.

- How dare you!
- How dare you!

- EVAN: Guys...
- ROGELIO: I didn't want to do this,

but you leave me no choice.

I'm calling on my million
Twitter and Instagram followers.

Go online and att*ck her!

(GROWLING)

(RIVER SCREAMS)

She hasn't heard from Dad yet.

I'm so sorry.

(TOY VIBRATING)

Daddy, is that a vibrating hot dog?

I am so sorry.

You said that you were embarrassed,

so I slipped it into
your purse last night.

I thought you saw.

Well, a part of you did,

because you came with me to the store.

(SIGHS)

Abuela, I get it.

It's uncomfortable for
you to talk about it,

but that doesn't mean
you shouldn't try it.

Is it?

Or is that just what you
grew up hearing in the church?

That sex wasn't about pleasure?

Because it should be.

And you deserve to be happy, Abuela,

and in love.

But you're never gonna find that

if you can't overcome this.

You can't just deny a
whole part of who you are.

JANE: And I can't deny who I am,

and you can't, either,

or this relationship will never work.

So, yeah, I'm judgy. (CHUCKLES)

In fact, I told you I was judgy
a few days after I met you.

I'm judgy. You should
know that about me.

You may end up having
a really judgy kid.

And I shut down when things get hard.

Which I showed you pretty early, too.

I just wasn't in a talking mood.

And I'm definitely not
in the mood for a lecture.

So it's part of who we are.

Ah... and,

this time, it's about
finding out if that works.

So, on our next date, I want you to go

as dark as you want, and I'm gonna get

as judgy as I want,

and then we're gonna have
dark, judgmental sex.

I am so in.

And just to get a head start
on that judginess...

I think you should look
for your birth parents.

Because for the last three years,

every time it comes up,
you've reacted like this.

So, obviously, it's bothering you.

And as a person who
was missing a parent

for most of my life,
I can tell you that

that question doesn't go away.

ROGELIO: This is never
going to go away.

Over five million views.

River lost one toe.

One! She has nine more.

I told you not to take her on.
(RINGTONE PLAYING)

It's my agent.

Talk to me, Barry.

Yes, yes, but it's not
like how it looked.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

I understand. Bye.

What'd he say?

The studio just offered to green-light

the American version of Santos.

What?

If I can get River Fields

to costar with me.

It seems that

our chemistry was electric on The Talk.

How can you even talk on this thing?

I'm a multitasker. Always have been.

This way, I get to test the
machines, meet with you,

and get my cardio out
of the way all at once.

- Any more questions?
- (OUT OF BREATH) Uh, just...

a few last ones.

Uh, ironing out timelines.
Whoa... (CLEARS THROAT)

- Uh, you came to Miami in ?
- Exactly.

- But do not print my age.
- Okay.

Oh, good, we're done stepping.

Ah... whew!

No, we're not done.
We're just switching.

- Huh?
- Hotel's buying of these.

I want to get the right one.

But isn't it exhausting?

You just have to build up your stamina.

Let's wrap it up; I have
to review purchase orders.

I mean being the boss and making
the decisions all the time.

Being in charge comes
very naturally to me.

I know, uh, but, I mean,
is there anywhere

you can, you know, relax?

All right, off the record...

Uh-huh.

Sex.

I let go in bed.

I like to submit.

To be dominated. That's why Rafael

and I got along so well.

Oh, okay. Cool.

He's a beast under the covers.
(CHUCKLES)

- Or out of the covers.
- Mm.

I mean, that man really
knows how to please a woman.

Wow, that's fantastic.

Okay, yeah, we're good here.

I have to... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go write.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us to...

Can we have sex already?

I'm ready right now. Let's do it.

Sure.

Right after the cable is installed.

I'm gonna hop in the shower.
I-I just worked out.

HBO part of the package?

Cool, cool. I mean, I love a...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Don't say it, Jane.

Full package.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

J.R.

I wasn't expecting you. Sorry, I'm...

I'm not dressed.

I have an update from the D.A.

Looks like I got you off.

Really?

(TENSION BUILDING)

Yeah.

♪ In the dark, in the night ♪

♪ Senses wake, I'm alive... ♪

Now I'm really gonna get you off.

♪ Too deep ♪

(GASPS)

♪ It's unclear which one here... ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Whoa, that's one kind

of sexual awakening.

♪ When the hunger takes over me ♪

(TOY VIBRATING)

♪ Got my finger on the trigger ♪

♪ And my target set on you ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And this is another.

♪ Set it off, I get off, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I am coming for you ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I know, steamy stuff.

♪ When my hands are on you... ♪

Cable guy's gone.

♪ I'm coming for you ♪

♪ And you, and you, and you ♪

♪ And you, and you and you, and you ♪

♪ And you, too, and you, too ♪

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on,
I can't show you everything.

We're not on HBO.

♪ And you, too. ♪ (JANE MOANS)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And one last thing, friends.