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01x01 - The Phantom Menace

Posted: 12/19/21 17:08
by bunniefuu
Have you ever stood naked

in front of the mirror

and looked at yourself?..

I mean, really looked!

The last day of summer

I did.

This morning.

How was it?

Completely horrifying.

Guys have it so easy.

The expectations for a woman are hellish, Harrison.

You go into a store with raving PMS zits...

...and you turn, and who do you see staring at you?

Seventeen magazine cover girl.

She has perfect skin,

and one of those k*ller bodies you see in late night abs crunch machine commercial.

So you buy as basket of products...

and go home and sweat to the oldies.

But eventually it dawns on you...

you'll never be a Seventeen girl.

Because they don't allow airbrushing here in real life.

You know, Sam,

I'm not saying that because we are friends,

...but, sometimes...

...under the right light... totally escape troll status.

Am I foxier than Brook McQueen?

Let's go Sam. You have to get up..


And what was I thinking planning that cruise!?

The first day of school.

What am I doing?!

What am I doing?! I'm not going!

Oh, you're going, Mooom!

You've been planning this for a year.

I've ironed the shorts, you were looking forward last night. They're already packed.

Shorts packed. Check.

Tanning accelerator for the pastiest inner thighs on a planet?

Oops, they don't make that. Guess I'm standing here.


Do you trust me? I mean, do you think I have a good judgement, right?

Well, you're smarter than I am.

You've been telling me that since your th grade.


Can I get a tattoo?

- (laughter) Err, hmm... nope!
- But..

Well, you know, I'm not a total square, alright?

Last year when you wanted that magenta stripe in your bangs...

...we've got the stripe.

Yeah-yeah, and I hated the stripe because they turned on me.

I thought it was so daring and cool,...

and I showed up last year and everyone had coloured hair.

Even the special-ed kids.

No tatoos, Sam!

No bikers here named Satan showing up here asking for dates.

No, Sam.


It's been years, Mom.

You have to let go.

Dad wouldn't want carrying him around like this.

You and your father having that discussion about tattoos...

That's a...

...that's something I'd wanted like to have seen. (???)

- Yeah..
- Yeah..

Oh, come on, let's zip this sucker(???) up.

You're have a great time.

Are you ready?

Dear Diary,

How many calories are in grape?

I gained . pounds this weekend. (a bit less than kg)

It was a box of raisin nuts, which Josh brought on friday that did it. I know it.

He just stopped holding my hand just halfway from the movie...

...and i crashed...

and to this total panic, thinking that he is disgusted by me, and he's dumping me.

This is so stupid.

Everything I worked hard for is happening.

Isn't that the part I'm supposed to be happy?

- Hail!
- Hey, Daddy.

First day of your h*m* year. You're growing up too fast, Brook.

You start making your old man looking like old.

Listen, when I get back...

...what do you say if we stop by doctor Nicewonder?

You know, just to touch base.
It's been a while since we've seen him.

Dad, I'm fine, okay? I don't need to see him.


I stopped by the store on the way home and picked up the requested item.

Dad, it's the roughs(?????)! I told you I use the kind with wings.

But these came with teh belt, i thought you'd like that.

How long are you gonna be gone this time?

I'm gonna reorganize the clients' portfolio in New York.

I should be back on Sunday. I left all the phone numbers with Clara.

I just wanted to go to my routine with you.

What? Are you getting(cutting???) classes?

My cheerleading routine, i told you about it.

- I mean just let go!!
- No, wait...

- ...wait, I almost got it.
- No, just let go, okay?


Honey, look at me.

I'm tryin'.

- Hey.
- Heeey!

I'm sooo worshipping your "Gwynethness" (Gwyneth Paltrow).

- Calvin?
- Soo Calvin.

But, hi, Brooke, mutual admiration society...

- ... is screeching to a d*ad halts.
- Why?

Baby blue is so "last year".

Thank god, I've brought reinforcements.

Front colour, top shelf.

Okay... this is ugly. Who would wanna wear this?

Everybody, after we do.

You know, I think I'm gonna go bare.

I'm gonna create a naked zen millenium kind of a look.

- Genious.
- Thank you.

Okay, check it out: I spent all morning copying these things.

I was so exhausted from like (?????) goes manual labour of it all.
Hey, broke a nail.

- I'm just hoping get a slice splendids.(?????)
- Nick, no way.

My dad will k*ll me if he finds out I'm throwing a party.

He doesn't have to know.
He would be out of town.

He's always out of town, Brooke.

The first party of the year creates the social Siberia.

And I for one do not intend to be left out in the cold.

Besides, if you back...

...we will be wearing Monica knee-pads for the rest of the semester.
(both) - Yeeow.

- You're right.
- Of course, I am.

You're so right.

- Hey baby!
- Hey Joshy.

- ???????????????????????
- ???????????!


- I'll see you,
- Bye.

Camelot couples. Spill, what's tuesday night?

I'm just thinking, dinner at my house...

...little candlelights sort of thing.

- Hey, Brooke.
- Okay, just the two of you?


So, when you guys do it, it's like one of those dirty showtime movies, isn't it?

Actually, it's more romantic than that.

It's like opera. It's perfect to duet (or to do it????).

Hey, rude match.
Watch where you're going.

Thank you.

Alright, you know that: forget them.

Their karma is to become alcoholic housewives.

Anyway, here, this is more important - sign my petition.

"He who saves one life, saves the world."

Journalist has to be objective.
If I sign it, I can't report on it.

All right, I'll feed you a few facts then.

- Where's your machine?
- Go ahead.

Over million animals are disgustingly k*lled each year...

...for this specific purpose of h*m* biology dissection..


God, look at them!

They all dress alike, talk alike.

They're terrified at having an opinion or being different...

...because they risk being judged.

They're like cattle.

No, sheep.

You know what, i'm bored with being crowded in a safe little pen.

That's why i'm going to get my nose pierced.

It's a true individualistic statement.

You have to live through the pain to be the worthy of the real world.

That is so cool!

That is a metaphor for the heinous high school experience.

Alright, they rocks. What are you gonna get?

A, like, stud or a ring?

- I think a stud.
- Yeah?

Guys, welcome back.

Sam, we're meeting in my office tomorrow, right?


He is so your alternative nation god.

Please, Mr. Grant and I are just buds.

I just admire him for marching to his own drummer.

And he gets it.

Performing allows you to call up feelings and fears can't express in your life.

Use what you're afraid to show.

Let it out.



I'm stopping you here.

And I have one word to say to you...

and that word is:

...Aretha (Franklin, "soul music queen").

- Carmeeen!
- Hi!

- Sign my petition leces(?)!
- Yes.

You know if you pull this off it's gonna be genious.

Bio is after lunch this year...

...and I know I'm gonna barf if I have to slice and dice.

So how was your summer, Carm?

Galactically brutal. My mom sent me to fat camp again... basically i spent weeks starving and singing Kumbayah (Traditional African-American Song, which then became popular campfire song)

- Did you guys see this?
- What?

Brooke McQueen is having a party this friday.

Invite only.

And so another season of social fascism begins.

You live like three doors from her, Harrison. Why don't you just disguise yourself as a cr*cker(???????) and crash?

I don't want to crash, I want to be invited. Don't you, guys?

Who cares? All who's gonna be is fashion victims who've been cheks makes (????)

...stringing (????) their first beer and yacking in the bushes.

You know, when did Brooke McQuenn become the sun aroud which all of us revolve?

Okay, I'll just get on my broom now and ride off to first period.

- A little cranky?
- A little?

I'm not gonna fight my feelings anymore for Mr. Grant.

It's time to live them.

An older soulmate is my bridge to a womanhood.

And I'm gonna cross it.

And then I'll visit him in prison and be a great penpal.

Auditions for the musical are tommorrow.

How am I gonna cut(got???) practice?
My dad will k*ll me if he founds out.

But it's my life, right?

If I bring the condoms will he think I'm a scank.

Who do you talk to about these things?

Is that a zit?

It is.

Awesome. Big grown ?????. Great, this is just what i need.

Cheerleader wannabee roal(????) calls. Sound off now.

Danah Durham.

Trendoid wannabeest. Yeah, high, Dana.

Swing things are like a year-old. Pass.

There is something about Merry Cherry. Mysterious trends ??? from Dallas.

Talents include ??? loin.

So sweet I become diabetic in her presence.

Her family is loaded: we're talking black gold, texas tea (oil).

Her hair needs work but I like her.


I have nothing to say about THIS one.

Here are more cheerleader applications this year than ever before.

Everybody wants to be us.

It's such a blast deciding.

Yeah, real blast, Nick.
We're gonna have new friends...

...and enemies.

Okay, bringing the broom down.

Hey, Nicole. You remember Sugar Daddy.

Thinking about bringing him by the party.

Yo, girl, you got huge!

I tell you that rack ?????????????????????

I think I'm going go get a muffin top and vomit!

Bro, what are you doing?

I set you up an intro and you act like neanderthal.

You've got to be smooth.

This is how you treat a lady.

My god, look at them!

They're like some bad Mariah Carey power ballad come to life.

You know, speaking of musical tragedies,

did you guys hear: (Broomer has it?) Joel (country singer) never lived in a van by the river


Hey Lilly, can you give me your roll?

Carm, didn't you loose like pounds at summer.

Harrison, that is such a sexist guy thing to say.

- Don't listen to him, Carm.
- Don't worry.

I have no intention of "Ally McBeal'ing" myself.


Anyway I think I'm sassy.

- And saucy.
- And a really good dancer.

That's what's gonna get me on cheerleading squad.

Carm, cheerleading?

Hey, Nicole! I really like your-your sweater. Ow!

Hey, Carm, are you really want to be a leader...

...who cheers.

Duh, they're popular, I'd love that!

You see, this is exactly what i've realized --

popularity is just conformity.

Brooke McQueen and her posse -- they're a cult.

Once you joined, you're a gonner.

Why is that girl keep looking at me?

Creeps me out. Who is she anyway?

Who? Sam McPherson?

???? beside me on algebra.


Well, you're just a total catcher, aren't you?

She just gives off this air like she is so superior.

It's sad really. You can tell it's just to cover up.

I actually feel bad for her.

She's trapped in her own persona prison, but she can't show that.

- That is why she is so...
- Fake.

- Phoney.
- When you try to pretend you're something you're not...

-'s just a sign of...
- ...low self-esteem. low self-esteem.

?????, people.

This semester I've decided to introduce to you

well, a game of social russian roullete.

I call it "alphabetical lab partners".

Pair up when I call your name!

Harrison John, Nicole Julian.

Yes, that would be you, blondie!

Alright, lets move it, Chop-chop, lollipop.

Or should we maybe schedule a hearing test with a school nurse?

Yes, sir.

Sugar Daddy Bernadino, Merry Cherry.

Samantha McPherson, Brooke McQueen.

♪ Do you want my sugar? Yeah! ♪
♫ Do you want my spice? ♫

♬ Mixing up together I can make it real nice! ♬

Sam, wait up.

- Oh, hey.
- How is it going, Carm?

It's awesome. Listen, uhm, Brooke is your new lab partner, right?

I ask because of the cheerleader auditions I have after school and I was thinking...

...maybe you could put in a word that i'm a good person and ??? I would practice.

Carm, come on.

You've also said you're good dancer.
That'll be what gets you on squad not hype.

You're good.

Sam, please...

Look, i don't want to be kissass or anything it's just... means so much, you know?

Okay, look,

...Brooke McQueen and I don't really have a daily opinion swap...

...but for you I'll put in a word.

Thanks. I'll get doing it.

So, how was your summer, Sam?

Oh, you know, I hung out with friends...

What did you do?

I went to Greece.

It was amazing.

Blazing hot son

And you know whant to know the best thing about it?

No tan lines.


- Wow, sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.

You got your ear pierced? That's so cool!

I've never met a teacher with an extra hole (?????) for.

Well, I got it after too many beer during Limp Bizkit concert this summer.

I went on Hanson,

On a dare.


Congratulation of an honor, Mrs McPherson.

I'm proud to announce that you're new editor and chief

of the Zapruder Reporter Newspaper.

So, you wanna talk about our first issue?

Yeah, journalist is always prepared.

I was just doing a lot of reading this summer...

...and I came accross this millenium madness stuff you know.

But what was missing...

...was a young persons' perspective.

That's such a cool idea.

We could do a round-up like a massive public opinion poll in a regular column.

You know, I have better idea.

I know what you can do some of these popular interviews.

Have you heard about these?

This party, that Brooke McQueen is throwing on friday night?

You're going?

- Yeah, ya. Of course, I'm going!
- Great.

I'll be bringing my notebook.

That's... uh... what a terrific idea!

- This one?
- Yeah.

- Thank you, Sugar.
- You're welcome.

Save me!


We just have check list for utensils...

...?????? this marker to map the ??? line of the cutting.

Red on green, christmas kind of ??????.

Oh, hahaha, that's so hilarious. Oh my god.

On our date, will we?
. Round first base

. h*t a triple
. or slide into home? (base)

- What?
- Ok, check it out.

I spent all last period typing in our complete class list.

And the blinking names denote those who KIS.


k*ll to be in our social stratosphere.


Yeah, okay.

Should I just blink them now?

- Hold up.
- Okay.

Very good, ladies.

You know, you didn't have to do all the work. I was going to help out.

It's okay.

So, planning a party, huh?

Sounds like a blast.

Yeah, kind of.

Frog really smells, doesn't it?


♫ We've got spirit! ♫
♫ Yes, we do! ♫

♫ We've got spirit! ♫
♫ How about you? ♫

We would like all of you to do very simple routine.

And then step forward alone and repeat it back to us.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Any questions?

Do I have to do the splits? I'm christian.

Name please.

- (stammering )Fred...
- Name please.

Freddy Gong.

And I'm going to play Emile de Becque.

Ooooh, The dashing plantation owner who has his eye on Nelly Forbush.

What song are you singing to us today, Freddy?

"This nearly was mine".

I've got minutes till auditions are over.

Man, I'm never gonna make it.

Let's Go!

Guys, huddle up.

I like her.

She's really good.

Good and plenty.

- .

Okay, guys, huddle up.

- . Center. On one.

On one. Ready?

Ford, where are you going?

I don't really know what to do.

- Have you any music prepared?
- Yeah.

How's Carmen auditions? One she was so nervous about it.

Oh, you know, Sam, one more question.

Why do we take some of these popular interviews?

Well, I'm intereted in going into broadcasting and it'll be good to get some tape for myself.

So, hey, you figured out how to lend an invite to Broke's party?

What's your deal with Brooke McQueen? You're totally obsessed.

No, no, that-that would be you.

Admit it, Harrison, once it's been bottle years gone, she bagged.

Now you're Brooke McQueen sattelite boy and it bugs you.

You know, Sam?

Sometimes you can just be so cold...

Okay, I was brutal.

I admit it. I'm sorry.

I'm not mad at you because you said it... I'm mad

...because that is the truth.

Every time she bl*ws me off...

...I'm transformed back to be years and I'm coming back from golf camp.

You know I've got these huge-ass ears...

...and the zits just started to pop out and I look like a looser

But I don't feel like a loser

...because my best friend since I was is gonna be there.

So there I am at the window of my mom station wagon...

...and we drive by her house.

And there is Brooke McQueen.

I can't belive in months she's grown inches. ( cm)

And she's this beautiful...


She's also sitting on the back of a moped with some Jock...

who doesn't have big-ass ears and zits and...

...has long ago outgrown his justice leage of Americe bed-spread.

I drive by in slow-motion

...and i'm waving and grinning like an idiot.

And she...

She looks right through me.

She pretends she doesn't even see me.

And it's been now and ever since.

Well, actually...

...I think your big-ass ears kind of fit your personality.

Gee, thanks.

God, Lilly you should have seen it. I was good.

You know, I was actually good!

I nailed every move and nobody laughed.

And Brooke even smiled at me.
What she didn't do to any other girls.

The best moment of my life.

Unfortunately the downside of success in the new wardrobe I'm gonna need

...which is so gonna break the banks.

You know, Carm.

I really do admire you.

- You do?
- Yeah.

For trying out, I mean.

It took a lot of guts to say "I want to be a cheerleader" and then go for it.

You that, everydody else was telling you not to.

My rapsberry braise(?????) off to you.


Yeah, sometimes to found out what your true potential is... have to be willing to stand up for yourself, you know?

Even if it means you might end up looking like a fool.

I can't believe I did it.

Okay, ready?

Okay, is it too Britney Speaks?

Very "h*t me baby one more time".

We're gonna take this and the matching robe.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah

That outfit looks so hot on you - he's gonna flip out.

I'm telling you, your love story tonight is going to be so (????).

Celine Dion is going to call you for inspiration.

Hi! I just found ensemble for the party.

Aha, I am the millenium. Thank you.

Hi, Brookey, I know what you're doing.

Stop staring at yourself in the mirror like you're -pound angry mom from the Springer Show.

I'm not.

Actually, I was thinking about cheerleader tryings

... and the list.

...I don't think we've been totally fair.

Look, honey,... wanna be, like, a nice person but sometimes the position of leadership must adhere to the accepted social order things.

...and make hard-line decisions.
Cause if you don't ...

...if you make one exception then you have to make it dozen

...?????? begin MPT girls....

...and ashes of ashes - we all fall down.

Okay. What do you mean by accepted social order?

What I mean is we leave in the age of Gwineth. and the way of how all the things are judged (????)

What's my lord and tailor!

Look who is here shopping for the lady designer fashions!

Knock-knock. Who's there? Coincidence!

Come on, Nick. Let's go.

Your audition today was so good, Merry Cherry.

I mean it. Of course we're gonna cut down on our pop tarts.

Done. Hm, Nick...

...Did I mention that my mama was Dallas Cowbow cheeleader

...and thus I'm a legacy.

I've got your email and I'm crystal like clear.

Bye-bye, hon. We're very hopeful.

- Пока, Брук. Bye, Brooke.
- Пока. Bye.

You know, I have trouble believing that you would pick her over Carmen.

Uh, update. She's rich. We'd get condo's for Christmas.

I'm putting Carmen on the squad.

Okay. Great. I'll totally support ya.

- You will?
- Yeah.

I'll totally support ya, when your boyfriends gets crapped from his buddies, 'cause you delivered (?????) candy.

I'll totally support ya, during the way games when we take the field and everybody moos.

and I'll totally support ya, when you blow everything we've worked for our entire lives...

...cause you want to be nice intead of disciplant.

I'm ???? all the way, I'll totally support ya,

- On your card?
- Yeah, go ahead and charge it.

I'm supporting ya.

Hi. Welcome back. I'm Sam McPherson.

...we're just here hanging out and talking about the issue of popularity.

We're gonna ask real kids questions related to that topic today.

So lets start with one that's diving our very civiliztion.

Backstreet Boys or N'Sync?

Backstreet Boys, totally.

N'Sync is totally more talented.

N'Sync little ???????.

They both suck. Eminem rocks.

♪♪♪♪♪♪ totally in right now♪

Cargo pants are d*ad! Over!

I like futurisitic nylon ponchos.


What's the most popular activism issue of generation.

Racial intolerence.

Gay marriage.

Tiger Woods or Mia Ham?

Tiger Woods!

- Tiger.
- Mia Hamm.

Are you popular or unpopular?

Ah, unpopular.


Unpopular, I guess...

...(????) one man is gonna help me with fine ladies.

So, want to go and get slurp or somethin'?

Oh yeah, go!

That's it.

Who's the most popular actor?


Good god, could the Leo thing just end?

It's so Ed Norton! Ed Norton, be my friend!

Do you date blonds or brunettes?


Are you busy friday night?

(?????) enoough.

Piercing or no piercing?


I totally agree.

Journalism thing is exhausting.

I'm going home, to turn on hot pocket in a nucker.

We're done for today.

One more interview, huh?

Come on.



I'm Sam McPherson.

- I sit next to you on bio.
- Ah, yeah!

- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?

You know Harrison John, right?

Yeah, hi.

Can I ask you a couple of questions, real quick.

It's for a series of interview i'm doing about popularity

... for my journalism class. It would really help me out.


Okay, well, Could you start by looking into the lens

...and tell us your name...

...and one thing you believe forms your identity or persona.


Hi, I'm is Brooke McQueen...

...and I'm a...

A hypocrite.

..I'm a cheerleader..

Oh, God.

It sounds so superficial.

I'm on the honour society.

Great, hm.

You recently held auditions for the JV squad.

Yes, actually today.

So will the new cheerleaders would be chosen based on, say... popular they are or on...

No-no. It should be based on ability.

- Great.
- Yeah.

So what you're saying is that...

under your leadership're trying to break certain stereotypes...

...that have ostracized kids who don't fit in.



Brooke, you date our school quarterback, Josh Ford.

Who, just like you, is considered one of the most popular people in our school.

I'm sorry but

...but it really bothers me that you just categorize me as one thing.

I think I'm a lot of things. Or at least I try to be.

Don't you think that popular is a title or categorization

- actively sought out?
- No.

Not, really.

It's just, it's something that just happened.

So, some days you want wear a different label?

Don't you?

I have to go.

Am I done?


Excuse me. Sorry.


Is it me?

- Is this because I'm fat?
- No!

Brooke, no, you're so beautiful!


...we'll get there.

Next time it would be better.

I promise.

- Hey, I think you're beautiful.
- No, I'm not.

I'm not.

I feel like...

...i'm constantly having to project something that I don't really feel

...and i'm so tired of being disappointed in myself and feeling like i'm living this big lie.

And this being the biggest one of all, Josh.

Everybody thinks that we've already done it and nobody knows that we're both the big Vs.

Well, Brooke, you didn't have to tell everybody we've had sex.

What are you talking about? You told all of your friens we had sex.

Come on, people just expect things from us.

Brooke, why do you feel you have to be everything for everybody?

- I..
- Look,...

...I'm a little ????? here too, okay!

Do you think it's easy trying to decide what in a hell I'm gonna do if I make the musical i tried out for.

Because if I do, Brooke, I'm gonna have to choose...

...between that and a team.

You tried out for a musical?

Good one.

I thought we talked about everything.

Why didn't you tell me this?

Well, obviously you wouldn't have understood.

Obviously, I do understand that...

...we don't make home coming ????? if you're a drama geek.

I didn't mean that.

Yeah, you did, Brooke.
Yeah, you did.



Well, yay for me.


Wow, Emile de Becque.
I wonder if I have any lines.

Any lines?! You've got the lead role.

GLAMAZONS: Cheerleading squad - New members