12x10 - Gene's Christmas Break

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, little
elves on all the shelves.

Time to start the day
right with a visit from

- The Very Merry Mice!
- ♪ Santa put us in his pocket ♪

♪ And we're going for a ride ♪

♪ To all the little girls and boys ♪

♪ With presents by our side... ♪

Can someone turn down the radio?

Just kidding. I know
it's Gene playing music.

- Good one, T.
- Thanks.

Aw, Gene's my favorite
little Christmas DJ.

He's got two turntables and a mistletoe.

Yup, every year, starting at first light

on December st, all day, every day.

And I can't escape
it 'cause I live here.

It's way too early to blast this noise

on my tender, tiny eardrums.

I can barely hear myself think of stuff

I want to ask Santa for.

I'm just gonna start
shouting it out. Motorcycle!

Gene, come get some
breakfast before you pass out.

I'm good. My DJ setup has a cereal bar,

as they all do, I assume.

I ho-ho-hope you enjoyed
that holiday classic.

But Christmas ain't merry
without this DJ Gene favorite.

You know it, you love it.

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine... ♪

- Oh, boy.
-Oh, God.

Ugh! This album gets way too much play.

Some of us don't need to
hear it every ten minutes.

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine... ♪

- This is your fault, Dad.
- I know. I'm so sorry.

Who are you?

Oh, I forgot I still had that.

That-That's Percy McTinsel-Bud.

It's a really weird
Christmas album from the ' s.

My aunt gave it to me. I-I
think she smoked a lot of pot.

It's a Christmas album?

Why are there kittens
diving into a tea cup?

I don't remember all the songs,

but maybe there's one about that.

I-I'll just donate it to the trash.

No, I want it! It makes me uncomfortable

in a way I kinda like.

If only I'd destroyed that
thing when I had the chance.

At least we all get to
suffer together as a family?

GENE: Mother, dance with
me to "Santa's Groove-Shop."

Oh, my God, the DJ
asked to dance with me.

- Coming.
- No. Stop encouraging him.

Also, Santa doesn't allow
grooving in his shop.

He's all business.

♪ Dancing on the
workshop dance floor... ♪

Hey, can I ask you guys something?

Is the question: can
we use your allowance

to check into a hotel
till New Year's? Yes.

No. Do you think I
could get really, really,

really good at gift wrapping?

I want to learn to
gift wrap like the pros.

- What do you mean?
- My gift-giving game is ho ho ho,

but my gift wrapping game is a no no no.

I want to be good at both so I can be
a Christmas double thr*at.

You are pretty bad at wrapping.

Remember that time when Mom
thought your present to her

was a crumpled pile of
garbage, and she threw it out?

Oh, yeah, that was sad.

But the gloves you got her were nice,

when she fished them
out of the dumpster.

Too bad she didn't have gloves for that.

GENE: Anyone have any requests
for DJ Gene after this song?

- Uh...
- How about nothing?

You know what, never mind.

I know what everyone's thirsty for.

- ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud. ♪
- (screams)

TEDDY: Thanks, Linda.

Hey, I have a proposal for you guys.

- Uh...
- What is it?

How'd you two like to do

a neighborhood Secret Santa?

- Ooh.
- Oh, no, thanks.

Come on. Neighborhood Secret Santa.

Like, let's say I get
Bob, and Bob gets Linda,

and Linda gets me. How fun is that?

- No. Oh.
- I love it.

But, Teddy, you can't do
Secret Santa with three people.

Sure you can. Three is perfect.

I'm pretty sure that's the
traditional way it's done.

- (bell jingles)
- Hello.

Hi, Mort. Hey, you want to do

- a neighborhood Secret Santa with us?
- Wait, what?

- Oh, uh, okay, sure.
- Ah...

But, full disclosure,

I've never Secret Santa'd
before, so be gentle.

- Ugh.
- What?

Four people is still

not really enough people.

Darn. Should we maybe just go back

to how things were before
Teddy mentioned this idea?

- (bell jingles)
- Oh, oh, Mike,

you got to do neighborhood
Secret Santa with us.

We need the numbers.

Oh, uh, I don't know.

- Oh, come on.
- It's... You don't have to.

- It's neighborhood Secret Santa.
- No one has to.

I mean, it's not as though I've got an

insanely busy job this
time of year or anything.

- Feel free to say no, Mike.
- Oh, no, I'm definitely in.

I just wanted you guys to appreciate

how hard I work during the holidays.

All right. Okay, so I
write everyone's name,

put 'em in a cup, and then we all pick.

Whatever name you get,
you buy them a present.

But you can't tell anyone who you got.

No trading names, either.

Or else the Christmas police will come

and take you to Christmas jail.

Oh, then do we get arraigned-deer?

- (chuckles)
- Mort, please.

And we don't spend any more than, uh,

let's say bucks on a present.

Unless you get my name, then go nuts.

Ha. Just kidding.

Sorta. Okay, everyone draw a name.

- Bob, you go first.
- Oh, we-we're really doing this?

- (Teddy sighs)
- Quit your sighing and

pick a name, Teddy. This was your idea.

Right. Great. Here I go. Picking a name.

Aah, no! You got to be kidding me.

Anyone but... aah! I mean, great.

So glad we're doing this.

WOMAN (over laptop): Just make
sure to crease your corners,

and voilà, the perfectly wrapped gift.

Dang it, how does she get
her corners that straight?

Did she sell her soul to the devil?

GENE: Okay, all you
saucy Christmas puddings,

stuff this in your stocking.

- ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud...
♪ - (all groaning)

No! Sleep was my one true escape!

-Gene...
-I know, but hear me out. I realized,

why does the party have to end,

just 'cause of bedtime?

Christmas music season
is only days a year.

You know I love that you love
being Mommy's Christmas DJ,

but I think everyone's
just feeling, uh, tired,

'cause it's nighttime.

Also, you should be in bed,
where we thought you were.

Come on, give us a fade-out
and one sleigh bell,

- and off to bed.
- Okay, fine.

- See you at : for the morning zoo.
- (elephant trumpets)

Okay, honey, put your album away

- and go to sleep.
- I will.

I just want to say good night

- to all the songs just one more time.
- All right.

You're a great song.
You're a great song.

You're a great song.

You're a great song.

(sighs)

- (crunch)
- Huh?

Aah! No!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Gene? Gene, what is it?
- (Gene groaning)

LINDA: Oh, no, your record.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Gene.

Yeah, I'm really, really
gonna miss it. Dang.

It's okay, it's okay. I'm
taping it back together,

and we'll be listening
to Percy McTinsel-Bud's

funky Christmas hits again in no time.

Oh, why did my beautiful,
sleeping body have to crush you?

Uh, maybe go easy on the
tape. We're getting low.

Not because of me and
my gift wrap issues.

I mean... Never mind.

Gene, I-I don't think
that's how records will work.

It-It's fine. It's perfect.

I actually think it could use more.

- (loud screeching)
- (all crying out)

Aah, turn it off, turn it off.

Oh, God, why couldn't it have been me?

Why couldn't it have been me?

I'm so sorry you broke
your record, baby.

Yeah, it-it was a really great one.

We still need our little Christmas DJ

to play all the other
jingle-merry hits, right?

- I mean, do we?
- Shush.

Yeah, Gene, look at
all these other records

that want to go for a spin.

(silly voice): Hey, Gene,
play me. I'm fun, too.

(Gene groans loudly)

Sounds like somebody's coming around.

Hey, you know, this can't be the
only Percy McTinsel-Bud record.

There's got to be other ones out there.

- Huh?
- LOUISE: Dad, shush.

You're right, Bob. Tina, Louise,

isn't there a little
record store up the street?

Why don't you take your brother there

to look for another copy?

Uh, great idea, but maybe
after the lunch rush?

Father, how can any of us think
about working at the restaurant

at a time like this?

We'll bring Gene to the record store

for as long as it takes.

I mean, I sort of wanted
to practice my gift wrapping

in the restaurant in between customers.

- Bup, bup, bup. Gene?
- Okay, I'll go.

But I'm still pretty weak
from my traumatic morning.

Can you guys make a little seat
with your hands and carry me?

- Fine.
- Okay.

LINDA: You good there, Teddy?

You been so quiet,

nibbling your food like a
little Christmas church mouse.

- I'm great.
- I'm gonna go down to the walk-in,

get some more lettuce.

Oh, yeah, get some more
lettuce. Get lots of lettuce.

That's... Okay.

- Linda.
- What? What?

I need to switch out
my Secret Santa name

with a different name.

Come on, Teddy, you know the rules.

- Please. I won't tell anyone.
- No.

I got Mort, okay!

-I don't hear that. I don't hear...
-I got Mort.

- I don't want to do this anymore.
- Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

It wasn't supposed to go down like this.

I was supposed to get one of you guys.

♪ Christmas. ♪

Oh, Secret Santa stuff. I got Mike.

- No!
- Everybody shush!

GENE: It's not in Holiday.

It's not in Folk. It's not in Funk.

And why isn't there a
Holiday Funk Folk section?

What kind of record store is this?!

Maybe we just ask for some help?

Hi. My brother wants to
know if you have this record.

The moisture is just tummy sweat.

We were sharing body warmth.

Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine?

Never heard of it.

Good news is, I guess
you already own it?

- It's broken, like all my dreams!
- Easy, Gene.

Did you check the Holiday section?

Oh, your so-called
Holiday section? Yes.

Who the hell is Bing Crosby?

Sorry, I guess we don't have it.

Well, we did our best.

No!

- (groaning)
- Are you gonna be like this

all through Christmas?

Uh-huh.

Please, what would you do if
you were looking for this record?

How do we get another one?

Well, I would go online, but
I assume you did that already.

But, um, just for a
joke, pretend we didn't.

What would you look up?

Well, you'd go on Recordrooter.

Hmm, it was released in
by Toodle-Loo Records.

But I'm not seeing any
copies for sale anywhere.

GENE: But it's a holiday classic.

So there's just, like, no
more of them in the world?

They're just gone?

Well, yeah. I mean, some
records just kinda go away.

And that's why you got
to take really good care

of those special, rare albums.

GENE: No... !

Well, I mean there are some collectors

who go deeper than Recordrooter.

Try this guy. He's local,

and he's a super-obsessive collector.

He once found a copy of
Pavarotti's novelty record,

Naughty Pavarotti.

Okay, I like it.

Hey, do you guys gift wrap here?

- I guess we can.
- Teach me everything you know.

- Tina, stop.
- Sorry.

- Whoa, guys.
- (gasps)

- Hey, Courtney. Is your dad home?
- What?

BOB: So, I-I know
you don't want to know

that I have Mike, but do
you think that somebody

very much like Mike
might enjoy a throw pillow

that looks like a wooden log?

Bob, stop.

It's not Out-Loud
Santa, it's Secret Santa.

That's what makes it fun.

It was even more fun to not buy gifts

for someone I don't know that well.

Also, now I'm worried about
disappointing our mailman

- and maybe not getting mail anymore.
- (phone ringing)

- Bob's Burgers.
- TEDDY: Bob!

Oh, hi, Teddy.

Don't say my name,
don't tell Linda it's me.

Okay, stranger I don't know.

I can't find anything to get Mort.

I just keep seeing things
you and Linda would love.

Is Teddy talking about his Secret Santa?

Tell him he's got to do it on his own.

- Come on, I'm dying over here.
- Um, I-I...

- Hanging up now.
- I hate this.

- You love it.
- No.

Hmm, I'm not familiar with this album,

but I know the label
Toodle-Loo Records.

They're super small, they
didn't put out much, and, uh...

Ugh, these lights are
so tangled, I can't tell

if I'm making it worse or better.

It definitely looks
more tangled than before.

This used to be all nice and long.

They're pretty, though.
I mean, I'm sure they're

prettier when they're on.

It's just, last year
everyone in this neighborhood

started doing major
Christmas decorations.

So we gave it a go, and I thought

we had a good display,
but we were way under lit.

And somehow over-reindeered.

I'm not going through that again.

It was a lot of reindeers, Dad.

So, getting back to the record...

Do you know where we can find a copy?

Or do you know someone who
knows where we could find a copy?

(gasps) I do know someone.

- What time is it in London?
- There's really no way to know.

Uh, tea time?

She helped me track
down Naughty Pavarotti.

- Lot of buzz about that record.
- I know, right?

So, yeah, if anyone
can help me track down

a super rare, out of
print Toodle-Loo Records

Christmas album, it's her.

It's the most specific superpower.

Dad, I'm doing that part.

Okay, but I'm just
gonna do it, uh, better.

Oh, it's ringing. (shudders)

English ring-tones, they freak me out.

(laughs): Ah, hi, Alice. Doug Wheeler.

Have I, uh, caught you in
the middle of anything, or...

- Oh, you're having some tea.
- Yes.

Uh, listen, I won't keep you.
Have you heard of a record

called Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine?

- (all gasp)
- She's heard of it. Shh.

Uh, listen I'm trying
to track down a copy.

It's kind of an emergency
situation. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh. Oh, no. Okay.

Well, then, I'll let you go.

Thanks. Or cheers.
Ta-ta? Oh, you say "bye."

So do I. I say bye. Bye... Bye.

So, they pressed very, very few copies,

which only went out
to the band's fan club.

And they had very few fans.

Then there was a fire at the
Toodle-Loo Records warehouse.

No one d*ed, but if
there were any copies

of the record in there,
uh, yeah, they d*ed.

So... we're getting closer?

That copy of the Percy McTinsel-Bud

that you are holding could
be the last physical copy

on this blue marble we call Earth.

- And you said you broke it, right?
- (crying out)

- (groaning)
- Aw, my sweet Gene.

Do you want a piece of
cheese? Want some salami?

Oh, do you want me
to go DJ for a little while?

No. I never want to hear
any holiday music ever again.

(gasps) You don't mean that.

He didn't even say anything
about the cheese and the salami.

I know. I'm really scared.

Seems like Gene's got
to get his moans out.

Should we, uh, leave him to it?

I have a bad, stupid idea
that I don't even want to say,

but I don't know what else to do.

- Tickle party?
- No.

We recreate Percy
McTinsel-Bud ourselves?

Oh. But also tickle party?

So you're saying you want us to record

Gene's terrible Christmas
album ourselves from memory?

I said it was dumb, but
what's our alternative?

Mopey Claus in there
is gonna ruin Christmas.

I think it's a good idea.

I mean, we all know the songs,
since he played them a lot, every day.

But how do we do it
without Gene knowing?

He lives here so much.

Also, we don't play any instruments,

and we don't sing.

♪ I beg your pardon? ♪

Okay, fine.

I don't think it's gonna
work, but it's either this

or we have to put Gene down.

Because the kid is really suffering.

We could do it tomorrow
in the restaurant

when there's no customers.

- Which is something that happens a lot.
- Louise.

We just need to figure out

how to get Gene out of the house.

Maybe some kind of
zip line? Those are fun.

(phone rings)

Hello. Oh, hi, Courtney.

I don't know if Gene
can come to the phone

right now. He's moaning.

I just wanted to let him know
he left his retainer here.

Uh, Gene doesn't wear a retainer, honey.

Okay... then someone's
throwing retainers in our yard.

Oh, Mom, let me talk to her.

So I guess I'm going to Courtney's now

because she was weirdly
insistent that I help

her and her dad hang
up Christmas lights?

But all I want to do is lie on the floor

and think about how
nothing gold can stay.

Go, Gene. You'll have a great
time hanging up lights...

Yeah. Electricity is... amazing.

And Courtney and Doug are so fun.

You won't miss anything here.

We'll just be watching Tina
while she keeps wrapping

the same tissue box over and over again.

My creases are getting crisper.
Don't look at this one.

Maybe I could use that
for my Secret Santa gift.

- Bob, no. $ .
- But those are the good

- tissues. They're so soft.
- Uh-uh.

- Okay, Gene, come on.
- Fine, I'll go.

But I won't have fun because
I'll never smile again.

That's the spirit. There you go.

Okay, have fun. Love you, bye.

You're great and everything's normal.

Now, careful with that
snowman. Do not let it tip over.

Oh, look, there's the Robinsons. Hi.

No, no. no, don't look, don't
look, we're not set up yet.

- Gene. Gene!
- Wha... ?

Block that side. Block that side.

LOUISE: Okay, Percy McTinsel-Bud's

Tinsel Machine intro track, take one.

(out of tune, out of sync):
♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's ♪

♪ Tinsel Machine. ♪

Cut. Cut. Is everybody warmed up?

- Are you warmed up?
- How do I do that?

♪ The hippest moves
you've ever grooved to ♪

♪ On the workshop dance floor. ♪

♪ Who are people? ♪

♪ We are people ♪

♪ Elves are people, too. ♪

- ♪ Zip! Bam! Pop! ♪
- ♪ What do I hear? ♪

♪ It's Santa's sleigh
in the atmosphere ♪

♪ He's got space reindeer ♪

♪ To pull him through the
stars, space reindeer ♪

- ♪ Na-na-na-na-na... Mars ♪
- ♪ He's givin' presents to Mars ♪

♪ Up there in his sleigh. ♪

(falsetto): ♪ Teacup
kittens strike again! ♪

- (entry bell jingles)
- Are you open?

Uh, yes. Uh, yes, we-we are.

What's wrong with you, lights?
Why aren't you lighting?

And the plastic carolers
don't look merry at all.

I give up. I guess we'll have to move.

At least you didn't roll over
and break your dreams in half.

- Stupid Christmas.
- Yeah. Stupid Christmas.

- I like Christmas.
- No, you don't.

- I do.
- Name one good thing.

The presents, Santa, the pageantry.

I said one thing!

Oh, Daddy. You need a big ol' beer.

I'm gonna go tell Mom.

- Uh... I'm gonna go.
- See you around.

Ugh, don't look at me like that.

Shh-shh-shh. He's coming.

- Hi. -Hey, Gene.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- What's happening?

Did you guys all fart on
my pillow or something?

What? No. I did that one time.

Okay, Gene, here's the thing.

We got Courtney to invite you over today

so we could make you... this.

- I wrapped it. No big deal.
- Hmm?

We made you a tape
of Percy McTinsel-Bud.

Yeah. We sang all of your
favorite Christmas songs

in the world, and we
did all the instruments.

Not with instruments
but with our mouths.

- Uh-huh...
- And we didn't know all the words,

but you can barely tell.

Unless you know all
the words. Which you do.

But we couldn't call you
and ask you what they were

'cause, surprise. (chuckles)

Why don't you... play it?

Right. Uh... okay.

- ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's... ♪
- No!

I mean, uh, I love it.

You just shut off the
tape player and yelled "No."

- Yup. Mm-hmm.
- It was all Tina's idea.

- What?
- I'm sorry. You guys worked so hard.

Aah! First I destroy the
last piece of precious

musical history that should
have been in whatever safe

the League of Extraordinary
Gentlemen have,

and then I make you guys
feel bad about trying

to do something nice. I
just keep ruining Christmas!

Oh, my Genie. What a Chris-mess.

That gift wrapping, though, right?

Aw, we were dumb to try to remake Gene's

favorite Christmas
album. What are we, Moby?

Should we go talk to him?

Maybe we should just
give him some space.

Wait. Are we sure our
tape isn't incredible?

Don't answer that.

Oh, Percy McTinsel-Bud.

You were the best thing about Christmas,

and now you're gone forever.

Hey, Gene.

- Want some tinsel?
- Uh, sure.

- So shiny.
- Yeah.

It just makes me want to...

♪ Tinsel all through the night! ♪

God, you're amazing.
I'm-I'm so sorry, Percy.

I don't want you to be so sad
about breaking the record, Gene.

Well, I am. I'm sadder
than the teacup kitten

who fell out of the teacup
and couldn't get back in.

What about the tape your family made?

I couldn't listen to it.

Them trying to redo that
record is like trying to paint

the Sistine Chapel
with a bunch of gravy.

How would it even stay up there?
It would just drip on everybody.

I see what you mean about that
gravy, but I actually think

it's pretty great that
they made that tape for you.

Lots of songs are
covers. Covers are cool.

- They are?
- Songs and blankets.

Gene, for you, your
family's version might not be

your favorite version, but maybe
someday you'll give the tape

to your kids.

And it'll be their favorite version,

'cause it'll be the only one they know.

And they can roll over
on it and break it,

and then make their own tape.

The point is, the music
keeps going. You dig?

- Huh.
- Okay, I'm gonna head out.

And don't worry about me.

Back where I come from,

we're still keeping it funky and skunky.

- Heaven?
- No. The ' s!

Bye, Percy. I love you.

- (glass clinking)
- We have gathered here today

for neighborhood Secret Santa, baby.

I just want to apologize
in advance for mine.

Bob, shush. Let's open our gifts!

Oh, who am I kidding?
I just have to accept

that I'm not good at gift wrapping.

You don't have to
wrap my present at all.

Just make sure it's really big.

Tina, if it makes you feel any better,

I think "good" gift
wrapping always seems

so cold and impersonal.

I'd much rather get a
present wrapped like that.

It seems more thoughtful
and interesting.

Hey, thanks, Mike. And you should know.

You've seen a lot of packages.

Because, you know, you're a mailman.

Yeah. I am a mailman.

But that envelope probably seems

pretty thoughtful, too, right?

- Yeah.
- Sorry, it's a gift card.

- From the heart?
- Hey, this is great.

The Home Furnishings Superstore.

I love home furnishings.
And a superstore? (whistles)

- Oh. Good.
- Aw, Mike, thanks for the stamps!

- How'd you know they were from me?
- Just a lucky guess.

Wait, Bob, what present did you get?

Uh, it's a note. "I got the car washed."

- Oh. Is this from Linda?
- Yeah, it is.

- Thanks. This is perfect.
- TEDDY: Perfect.

Yeah. Great.

- Teddy, open yours.
- Fine.

Oh... It's a...

A little plaque that says
"Teddy." For your, uh, stool.

I figured since you have
a favorite stool here,

maybe Bob and Linda
could put your name on it.

- Aw.
- Oh, uh, I-I don't think we...

Wow. Mort, this is, like, the best
gift anyone's ever gotten me.

Now I feel bad about
the calendar I got you.

Pictures of old barns?
I'm a total barn nut.

Barns, bridges, I think they
got some fences in there, too.

Bob! A plaque for my stool.

- Should we put it right here?
- Uh, yeah, maybe.

Or, oh, uh, under the
seat might be a good spot.

Like a fun, hidden thing?

I love that, that's great.

I love Secret Santa!

I'm gonna go get
my tools in the truck.

- (bell jingles)
- Oh, excuse me, elf.

Aw, Genie, you came out of your room.

And you're in your deejaying outfit.

Mother, Father, sisters,

I listened to the tape
you made me. All of it.

And it's really great.

You don't have to say that.

Yeah. Music's a lot harder to do

when you're not good at it.

We know that now.

No! You did the right thing.

The music isn't gone.

This is Percy McTinsel-Bud now.

It just needed a
little, uh, touching up.

And some major remixing.

BELCHERS: ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's ♪

♪ Tinsel Machine ♪

(Gene vocalizing)

♪ Percy... ♪

(overlapping vocals)

- Wow.
- Whoa.

- Nice.
- All right! My Christmas DJ is back!

Yeah, he is, baby.

So how about Christmas music

all day in the restaurant?

BOB: Oh. Good.

You know, I kinda like the way it looks.

I miss the reindeer, though.

Dad, let's go get the reindeer.

Yeah! Santa can have as many
reindeers as he friggin' wants!

(Gene vocalizing)

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine ♪

♪ The greatest guy around ♪

♪ It makes us tinsel if
you know what I mean ♪

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud ♪

♪ He hangs it everywhere,
he lets it all hang out ♪

♪ He's coming to your town ♪

♪ To make your Christmas
shine beyond a doubt, yeah ♪

- ♪ He's got that tinsel ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ At Christmastime ♪

♪ You know he's gonna
a-make it shine... ♪

♪ Yeah, to make your Christmas
shine beyond a doubt, yeah ♪

PERCY: ♪ Yeah, my tinsel. ♪