03x04 - I Fought the Law

[bunniefuu]

[KALLUSIAN CAPTAIN OVER RADIO]
Guardians of the Galaxy,

surrender Thanos to us or be destroyed!

This guy one of yours, Thanos?

He's a Kallusian, a mere bounty hunter.

I have no use for his kind.

Bounty hunter, huh?

How'd he even know that we captured ya?

Hey! It's Star-Lord's
Super-Awesome Adventure Log,

and guess who's
my very special guest today.

That's right!
Thanos, the mad titan himself!

He and that frozen-goop prison
are going straight to Xandar

for that sweet, sweet bounty.

I got , new followers
off that post.

Several of whom are sh**ting at us!

They can sh**t all they want, Gamora,

but I ain't losing a bounty
without sh**ting back!

Eat missiles, ya krutackers!

[ALARM BEEPING]
Huh.

Quill, we need backup, fast.

Nova Corps, we are under att*ck.
[BEEPS]

Nova Corps!
Do you read me?

[BEEPS]

[MALE OPERATOR] You have reached
the Nova Corps Hotline.

None of our officers are available now.

To inquire about an impounded
ship, press one. [GRUNTING]

To pay a hyperspace moving
violation fine, press two.

To register a formal complaint against
the Guardians of the Galaxy...

- Representative.
- ...press three.

Representative!

Ugh! Looks like
we're on our own.

You should stop running and fight.

Kallusians always hunt in packs.

We should assume they are
driving us into a trap.

- I am Groot?
- Don't listen to him.

He's just messing with us.
That's what he does.

What if he's telling the truth?

[GRUNTING] See? This is
how he messes with us!

Okay new rule: nobody talk to Thanos.

Everything out of his mouth is a lie.

- That's your father.
- Really?

Are we gonna get into whose dad is worse?
Drax, get rid of him.

With pleasure.

Eh, I meant take him below deck!

[SIGHS]

Very well.

[THANOS] You're making a grave mistake.

Yeah, I'll take my chances,
Purple Rain. [GRUNTS]

[GAMORA] Engines hit.

- We're losing power!
- Come on.

Come on!

Okay, new plan.
Dangerous new plan.

[TRILLING] If we can pass that
comet, we'll be home free.

[ENGINES REVVING]

[ALL STRAINING]

[TRILLING]
[CHATTERING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTING]

[ENGINES REVVING]

What'd I tell ya?
Home free.

And by "home free,"
you mean completely flarged!

[SPACECRAFT APPROACHING]

Guardians of the Galaxy,
surrender Thanos,

[TRILLING]
or be destroyed!

Thanos was telling the truth.

Huh. I didn't see
that coming.

[ASCENDING WHIRRING]

[KALLUSIAN CAPTAIN OVER RADIO]
Guardians of the Galaxy,

surrender Thanos, or be destroyed!

Hang on.
Change of plan.

This is your krutackin' plan? To
get us boxed in by Kallusians?

That's part of it.
The other part

is to give our guests a little joyride.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Thanos knew their tactics.
Maybe we should...

I am not asking Thanos for help.
[ENGINES REV]

[GRUNTING]

You realize we're heading
straight for those

two ships that are sh**ting
at us, right?

That's the idea.

Hold tight!

[SHOUTS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[KALLUSIANS CHATTERING]

[KALLUSIANS SHOUTING
IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

In your face, Thanos!
We're alive!

[DESCENDING WHIRRING]

- Uhh...
- Our ship, however, ain't.

So it's up to me, as per
flargin' usual to patch it up

so's we can make it to Xandar
and collect our bounty.

Fine. Groot, help Rocket.

I am Groot.

[GRUNTING]

Gamora, check for hull damage
with Drax.

I'm gonna rub it in Thanos' face
that he was wrong.

Sorry. We hit a bit
of turbulence back there.

Please return your galactic despots
to their original upright position.

So you admit I was right,

and you blindly flew into their trap.

And out of it.

Oh, did I mention our free
in-flight entertainment?

♪♪ [SMOOTH JAZZ BLARING]
Ugh!

What t*rture is this?

The cruelest known to man...
smooth jazz.

♪ Everybody knows
I'm just a schoolyard bully ♪

♪♪ [GROOT HUMMING]
[GRUNTING]

Hey, knock off that racket and do
something useful with those twigs.

Uhh...

- I am Groot?
- Aah!

Not what I had in mind!
[BEEPING]

So now ya call!
Thanks for nothing, Dey!

Where were ya when we needed ya,
having coffee and donuts?

What? No!

We heard you had Thanos.
Is that true?

- I am Groot!
- Don't tell him nothin'!

That reward is ours.

So you're saying you didn't brag

about capturing Thanos
to the entire galaxy?

Technically, no.
That was Quill.

The point is, transporting
Thanos is too dangerous.

Especially for you knuckleheads.

Return to Earth immediately, and
stay there until we pick him up.

That's an order!

[ROCKET CHUCKLES]

Fine. He wants to risk carting
Thanos across the galaxy, let him.

- Set a course for Earth.
- I am Groot?

None of your business.
That's what I'm gonna do.

♪ Schoolyard bully... ♪

Not so high and mighty now, are ya?

What?!

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

♪♪ [STOPS] I said, without
all your cosmic doohickeys,

you're just another loser
with a big ego.

But that don't mean
you ain't got something on you

that'll fetch a good price
on the black market.

[DEVICE TRILLING]

Just gotta find it before the Nova
Corps gets their hands on it.

Why the hurry?

We're nowhere near Xandar.
[DEVICE BEEPS]

Oh, for your information,
Mr. Know-It-All,

Nova's gonna pick you up on Earth.

So you won't be delivering me
to Xandar.

Interesting.

What's so flargin' interesting?

Perhaps nothing.

Except... if you don't
actually deliver me to Xandar,

how will you claim
your bounty for my capture?

What?
[CHUCKLES]

It ain't like Rhomann Dey's
gonna take the units for him...

for himself.
[UNEASY CHUCKLING]

In my experience,
even the most honest of souls

can be tempted by incredible riches.

Yeah. Hold that thought.

[TRILLING]
What are you doing?

- Turn around and head to Xandar!
- I am Groot?

Earth? Why would we go
back to that dirt ball?

I am Groot.

I never said nothing like that.

We're going to Xandar
to claim that bounty,

and don't let nobody
tell you no different!

[SIGHS]
I am Groot.

Back so soon?

Are you so eager to meet your fate?

My fate is to rule the univ...

[GROANS]

Never! I am Drax the Destroyer,

and I will have my revenge
for what you did to my family.

So much anger.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself

why I sent Ronan after your family?

I do not care why.
I will have justice!

And the last thing you ever see

will be their faces.

Drax, stop!

[STRAINING] Gamora, you are
not supposed to be here

while I am not supposed to be here!

I won't let you do this.

You cannot protect your father
from my justice.

[GRUNTS]

I am not protecting him.

I'm here to get justice for
everyone he's harmed. [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

How do you intend to do that?

With this.
It's a cerebral parasite.

It will force him to experience all
the pain he's inflicted on others.

If it causes him pain,
I will not stop you.

You would dare inflict
such misery on your father?

Watch me.

And tell me what you feel...
in detail.

[SQUELCHING SOUNDS]

[THANOS LAUGHING]

Why is he laughing?

I will not weep for crushing the weak.

I am proud of all that I've done.

Even to you, Gamora.

What?

Your willingness to use this parasite

shows me you are finally ruthless
enough to take my place.

Someday, you will be
a most worthy successor.

I am nothing like you!

Nothing!

[SPACECRAFT APPROACHING]

[DEY OVER RADIO]
Guardians of the Galaxy,

you are in direct violation
of Nova Corps orders!

What?
What's he talking about?

Uh, beats me.

Turn over the prisoner, or I will
order my trainee to open fire.

[QUILL] Trainee? What's
he talking about?

Is that... Sam?

Sorry, guys.
Orders are orders.

Come on, Dey.
We're all friends here.

Sam's not gonna fire on us.

Sam, stop your friends.
That's an order.

Okay, not feelin' the friendship!

[SAM] Come on, guys. Hand over Thanos.

I really don't wanna
have to do this to you.

Sam, hold your fire!

We're trying to deliver
Thanos to you guys.

Seriously?

You received explicit
orders to return to Earth.

So you'll understand my
confusion when I found you

flying in the exact opposite direction!

Wait. What? I never heard that order.
Did you guys?

No. Gamora and I were somewhere
other than the cargo hold,

not trying to exact
our revenge on Thanos.

You ignored my order
not to talk to Thanos?

- I am Groot!
- Hey, nobody likes a snitch!

And how do we know Dey's
not gonna grab Thanos

and take the bounty for himself?

So just everyone disobeyed me?

- I am Groot.
- Okay, everyone except Groot.

Look, we're gonna do the right thing
and turn in Thanos to the Nova Corps.

Smart choice, Quill.

- Sam, move them into position.
- Yes, sir.

I knew they'd do the right thing...

eventually.

That should hold him.

It's made of
triple-reinforced Vibranium.

Well done, trainee.

[ROCKET]
Proud of yourself, kid?

How's it feel
to be working for the Man?

I am Groot!

What? I was just
following orders.

Uh-huh. Those orders include
keeping the bounty for yourselves?

Where did you get
that ridiculous idea from?

Nowhere.

So, how about giving us a lift?

Ya did sort of blow up our engines.

What am I, a towing service?

We'd consider it a huge favor.

Besides, it'd be a shame
if this ship got damaged.

Right, Drax?

It appears to be functional.

Look closer.

Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Ah. Now it appears
to be damaged.

And look at all them pretty buttons
just beggin' to be pushed.

[LAUGHS]
I am Groot!

All right!
I'll tow you.

Just go back to your ship,
and don't touch anything else!

"Damaged." [CHUCKLES] Good one.

Something on your mind, boy?

You k*lled my father.

You'll have to be more specific.

His name was Jesse Alexander.

He was a Nova Centurion,
and this was his helmet.

Ah. Unfortunately,
I did not k*ll him.

I don't believe you.

Your belief is not my concern.

Your father is still very much alive.

He misses you and your mother.

What was her name? Eva.

How do you know that?

Your father has done everything needed
to keep his family safe, Samuel.

Something that Drax
unfortunately never learned.

You're lying!
Where is he?

Release me from this cell,
and I will take you to him.

Yeah, I've heard that one before.

We'll get the truth out of you
when we get to Xandar.

Pity, because we're not
going to make it to Xandar.

[BLAST LANDS]

Guardians, we're under att*ck!

[STATIC]

Ravagers.

Quill, you were a Ravager.
Talk to them.

And say what? They're not
nice Ravagers like Yondu.

[ALARM BEEPING]
Yondu ain't nice.

Yeah, compared to these guys,
he's a pussycat.

Then we must fight to the finish!
What is a pussycat?

It's me they're after.

If you release me,
the Ravagers will follow.

Too bad. I'm not
letting you go.

It's the only way to save your
friends, and to find your father.

[ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING]
[COMPUTERS TRILLING]

- I am Groot!
- No way.

- No Ravager is stealing our bounty. [BLAST LANDS]
- I am Groot!

[BEEPING, TRILLING]

Well, he ain't a Ravager.

Just a krutackin' traitor!

What's Sam doing?

He appears to be taking Thanos.

Quill, if you put Sam
up to this, I swear...

Me? Last time I checked,
the kid reports to you!

He's not answering his comm!

Wait. You didn't leave him
alone with Thanos, did you?

Uhh...

Not on purpose.

You were right.
They followed us.

Yes, but we can't run forever.

Wait here.

[DEY] We got incoming! Another Ravager!

Gimme a break! We ain't
even got Thanos no more!

Why they still baggin' on us?

Think about it. They
att*cked a Nova Corps ship.

Now the only way to collect the bounty
is to get rid of all witnesses.

Meaning Dey and us.

Okay, you served your purpose as a decoy.
Now you're going to Xandar.

You show great bravery.

Those Ravagers weren't that tough.

I meant you're brave
to cross the Nova Corps.

I believe the punishment
for desertion is execution.

What? No. I'll just explain
it to... [COMMUNICATOR BEEPS]

[DEY] Attention all Nova units. Be
on the lookout for Sam Alexander,

last seen deserting his post and
aiding Thanos in escaping justice.

Both are considered
extremely dangerous.

I suppose Nova Prime
might believe your explanation.

After all, it's only
a Nova Corpsman's word

against yours and mine.

Take me to my father.

[DEY] We're not gonna last much longer!

Sam's gone AWOL, and they've
taken out my defenses!

[ALARM BEEPING] We still can't
get our thrusters going.

We're just dead weight.
Cut us loose.

[BLAST LANDS]

Or, better yet, throw
us at the Ravagers.

Are you out of your mind?

[BLAST LANDS]

Yes, but he's also right.

We could take out their ships
with a slingshot maneuver.

[BEEPING, TRILLING]

Okay. But I'm pretty sure
I'll live to regret this.

Hang on!

[ALL YELLING, GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]
Oh, I think I lost my lunch.

Have you tried looking
in the refrigerator?

Dey, we're too close to that planet.
We need to turn around now!

[DEY] I can't! My engines were
damaged, and I've got no thrust!

That's too bad, 'cause things are
about to get toasty in here.

Like "the wrong side
of Fin Fang Foom" toasty.

Unless...

[BEEPING]

Ha!

[ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING]

I can reboot the system
and funnel all the juice

into the starboard engines, like so.

I am Groot?

Yes, this time,
you can push the button.

[LAUGHS] I am Groot! [BEEPS]

Wait. We're alive?

You can thank me
by paying out that bounty.

What bounty?
Sam's got Thanos, not you.

How is that my problem? We
delivered him, fair and square.

Ain't my fault Sam's a traitor.

Sam would never betray us. He
was probably trying to save us.

Then why does the prison pod's
tracking beacon

show them heading to Titan?

[BEEPS]

Ehh, ehh...

Thanos' home world.

Seriously?
He has a home planet?

I thought he just floated
around on that rock.

Titan is the place
where Thanos broke me,

trained me, and turned me into...
what I am now.

It's not a place
I'm eager to return to.

And yet we must.

To stop Thanos before
he does the same to Sam.

No problem. Anybody got a spare ion
converter in your back pocket?

Alas, I do not.

I have one on my ship.

- I am Groot?
- Yeah. What's the catch?

[DEY] No catch. My ship's
in worse shape than yours.

I've already sent a distress
signal to Nova Corps.

And somebody's gotta keep an eye on
those Ravagers until they get here.

Just promise me you'll get Thanos.

[SAM] You'd better be telling the
truth about my dad being here.

[THANOS] I have no need to lie.

I am Thanos.

My truth is power.

Many have tried to face that truth.

All have failed.