03x06 - Money Changes Everything

[bunniefuu]

[NARRATING] Look at that guy...
happier than an arcade kid

with a pocket full of quarters.

Why? Oh, maybe because
I'm insanely wealthy?

Now, this wasn't some random windfall.

We made this loot
the old-fashioned way...

by capturing Thanos,
Mad Titan of the Galaxy,

twice.

Now that we have more money
than Odin, the question remains...

will success change
the Guardians of the Galaxy?

Nah.

We're gonna do what we always do...

[GRUNTING] something
good, something bad.

Something expensive!
Ahh!

Whoa. Rocket, what's
with the chop shop?

[CLEARS THROAT]
Now that I got enough units

to keep my units in a fortress
made of units,

I'm gonna retire in style,

and I'm taking everything
I brought to this ship with me.

Retire? It's victory lap time.

We have years of mall
openings, talk shows,

and all-expense-paid
thank-you junkets

if we stick together.

Nothing sticks to Drax.

My battle-hardened skin
repels all parasites.

However, I'm not destined
to be Drax the Celebrity.

He has a point, Quill.

Does the galaxy truly
need more celebrities?

Guys, celebrities inspire people...

how they live, what they wear,
where they go.

Don't you see?
We have a duty to the galaxy.

The only duty I have is
to spend a gajillion units!

Which is why I got this...

the Timely Teleportation
Company's U-Got-It !

For a nominal fee,

this baby can instantly
teleport anything I want to me,

or me to it.

Uh, you mind?

I'm trying to unite us
with an inspiring speech.

Now, who's for basking in the glory
and recognition that we deserve?

Seriously? No one?

Ah, Rocket, old pal,

I knew I could count on you
to stand with me.

What? Me?
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I got a lifetime of conspicuous
consumption ahead of me.

See ya!

[QUILL] Hey! He took my chair!

[DANCE b*at]
[ANNOUNCER] Coming soon

to the Conjunction Galactic Network...

Star-Lord's Super-Awesome
Variety Hour!

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

Good evening, fellow rich people!

[CHATTERING]

Yo, pal, what's the most
expensive drink on the ship?

That would be the Gramosian
Royal Blend -D Spiced Tea.

Gramosian tea?

No way me and my soon-to-be
hundred or so best friends

are gonna drink that swill.

[BEEPS]

- Huh?
- Oh.

[ROCKET] That's right, folks...

Asgardian World Tree Extract.

Only five barrels of this stuff
exist in the universe.

And this one's on me.

[CHEERING, CHATTERING]

[SNIFFING]

Wait a minute.

Someone out there ain't partaking
of my extremely generous hospitality.

Wraith?

[THUMP]

My refreshments
ain't good enough for you?

I do not drink.
I do not eat.

I require no sustenance of any kind,

for I am neither dead nor alive,

forged in the crucible
of the Exoteric Latitude.

Yeesh. I liked you better
when you didn't talk.

Now, this wouldn't have anything to do

with all those times I stole from you

or humiliated you
or got the best of you?

No.

So you're just gonna turn down a gift

from the best bounty
hunter in the galaxy?

You can't be the best.
You're retired.

And proud of it.

I went out on top

and got nothing left to prove.

Really?

[COUGHING, SPITTING]

Fine. You want a challenge?

Name the bounty.
Any time, any place.

[ANNOUNCER] N.O.V.A.S.,

stories of the Corps,

and the worst criminals in the galaxy.

Tonight's most wanted...

Ichtryo Pike,

a literally slimy con man

who bilks the poor and needy.

The Nova Corps have put a bounty

of , units on his head.

Your bounty is mine, Pike.

Aah!

[GRUMBLES] Hmm? [CRACKING]

Ohh, that's not good.

I surrender! I surrender!

[ROCKET] Miss me, ghoul boy?

You may be an okay
bounty hunter, Wraith,

but you can't outwit

a double-barreled
ion cannon...

retail value, , units.

[WHIMPERING]

[YELLING]

Ahh.

No use running, fish-boy.

You're about to be snagged
by the best there is.

Ya hear that, Pike?

You have a tractor beam?

Why didn't you use that first?

Hey! Do I tell you how to
swindle little old ladies?

Like taking candy from a retnok.

[PIKE] Mr. Rocket, as you may have
heard, I've made quite a haul of my own.

I'm certain you and I could
come to an accommodation.

Zip it, brine breath,

or I'll show you the business end
of my brand-new upgraded Quad Blaster.

I do not have brine breath.

And what kind of a...

Expensive upgrades, dummy.

As in , units expensive.

This thing's got settings
I ain't never seen before...

not just "zap" and "stun,"

but "obliterate," "disintegrate"!

Right, Groot?

Uh, sorry. Force of habit.

Eh-heh? Hmm?

[YELLS]

[g*n COCKS]

Mine.

Throw him back now, space zombie,

- or I swear I'll...
- Catch.

[BEEPING]

Enjoy the gift.
[WHIMPERING]

Aw, krutack.

Mr. Wraith, forgive me
being so forward,

but I hope there's more to your plan

than mere floatation
in the endless vacuum of space.

At the risk of sounding
like a poor guest, um,

have you such a thing as a,
uh, seat cushion on board?

No.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Is that bad?

Yes.

[ROCKET] Attention, second-best
bounty hunter in the galaxy.

Prepare to lose to the first!

Yo, tall, dark, and gloomy,

any time you want to surrender,

I got no problem blasting the fugitive

out of your ship one bit at a time.

Whoa!

Are you by chance aware

there is a crazed vermin with a blaster

taking pieces of your ship?

Yes.

Aren't you afraid?

Fear murders the soul faster
than plasma bolts do the body.

I believe I preferred you
when you were monosyllabic.

[WHIMPERS] Is there a chance
I could use your restroom?

Don't be so flargin' stubborn, Wraith.

Second best ain't that bad.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Whoa!

Ooh!

Oh!

What the flarg,
fish-face?

[WHIMPERING]

[SHOUTING]

[WHIMPERING]

Clear off, Wraith. This is my bounty.

Not yet.

[GRUNTS]

[CREAKING]

Freeze, you Gunoovian slime rat!

I set this thing to "expunge,"

and I got no idea what that even means.

Shh.

Don't you shush me, paleface!

[CREAKING]

[SIGHS]
Allow me.

Wait.

[ROCKET]
Whoa!

Aah! Hey!

- That's worth , units!
- Aah!

Note to self...

never use "expunge."

Aah!

[WHIMPERING]

[SHOUTING]

Pike, you still alive?

I need you alive for the bounty.

Hmm, I have been better.

- Ah.
- Yes. I am the best.

In your pasty face, Wraith!

Wraith?

Holy krutack.

What have I done?

Curious. I would never have mistook
you for the remorseful type.

Hey, I got scruples.

Not a lot, but if I
blow a hole in a guy,

then I don't deserve to be the best.

Agreed.

[BOTH SCREAM]

I told you, I am
neither dead nor alive.

My body is animated by alien parasites.

There is no injury from which
they will not repair me.

You lousy krutackin' faker!

I ought to put ten holes in you!

But first I got a bounty to collect.

How are you gonna get to Nova Corps?

Watch me.

What in the blazes?

You blithering fool!

You didn't teleport us to Nova Corps.

You teleported Nova Corps to us!

[ROCKET] At considerable
expense, I might add.

[NOVA PRIME] I should have known
you'd be involved in this debacle.

But this was all Wraith's fault.

Our scanners haven't picked up

any additional life-forms.

That's 'cause he ain't alive.

You are going to spend
the rest of your life

paying to teleport this entire
facility back to Xandar.

Eh, any chance I can use
the bounty on this guy

as a down payment?

[CHUCKLES]

No.

Well, I guess I'd better get to work.

I'll bring it back!

Soon as I collect a few more bounties.

Not if I collect the bounty
on you, fuzzball.

[ANNOUNCER ON P.A.] Welcome
to the Xandar Space Port.

For your safety, all unattended baggage

will be immediately disintegrated.

I am Groot?

Yeah, so?

I am Groot?

I gave at the office.

[SIGHS]

Looking for a ride, buddy?

We can get you anywhere.
For a price.

I am Groot.

I think we got a very special

and wealthy passenger here.

Why don't you and I discuss terms

while my partner readies our ship, huh?

I am Groot.

Uh, we keep our ship
away from the space port

on account of it being so nice a ride.

Uh, we don't want
to make others envious.

I am Groot.

Sleep tight, tree-man.

[CLATTER]
Huh?

[COUGHING]

I am Groot!

I am Groot!

[GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

[COUGHS]

What do we do with him now?

Grab his unit tablet.

Take him back to the ship.

Dump him somewhere
no one will find him.

[GROANING]

I am Groot.

[INHALES, GROANS]

I am Groot.

[GASPING]

Uhh...

[GROANING]

I am Groot.

[GASPING]

[GROWLING]

Ah. I am Groot.

[GASPS]

I am Gr...

[COUGHING]

[WEAKLY]
I am Groot...

Dad, look.

It must be some kind of alien visitor.

Oh, darling, you don't need
another imaginary friend.

It's just some ancient wood carving.

[GROANING]

We could put him in our field,

use him to scare away the pests.

[CREATURES CHITTERING]

[CHITTERING]

Fine. But we need to go.

I don't like the look
of these jerboids.

Okay, Groot. It's not
just the big jerboids

you got to look out for.

There's also the babies.

Only they're not after the water.

They want to eat our crops.

[GRUNTS]

I am Groot.

For me?

No one's ever given me
a present like this.

Thank you.

[GROANS]
I am Groot.

[CHITTERING]

Get out!
Get out, vermin!

I ought to chop that thing
up for cooking fuel.

Daddy, don't.
Groot made me this.

He only needs water.

Can't you see?

What's the first rule of the desert?

Never waste your water.

Because if you let even one drop out...

The jerboids will come.

Exactly.

But I think Groot needs the water.

Hmm.

He didn't mean it, Groot,

about chopping you up for cooking fuel.

[SNORING]

He won't miss a little water.

I am Groot.

Don't tell my dad, okay? Whoa!

No!

[GASPS]
[CHITTERING]

[WHIMPERING]

Aah!

Run!

What are you waiting for?

Go!

[PANTING]
No! Get back inside!

No, no, no, no, no!
[SCREAMING]

Get away from her!

No! No!

No!
[PANTING]

[YELLS]
Daddy! Help!

I am Groot.

Daddy! Help!

I am Groot!

[GRUNTING]

[CHITTERING]

Uhh! Aah!

[YELLS]

I am Groot.

I am Groot!

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

I am Groot!

[GROWLS]

[THUMP]
I am Groot!

I am Groot.

I told you he just needed water.

Thank you, Groot.

Now can he stay?

Of course he can stay.
I'm just not sure

we have enough water
for him and the crops.

[ROCKET] You know what
it took to find you?

I had to cut a swath across the
entire Xandarian criminal underworld,

and here you are frolicking
at an open hydrant?

Uh, friend of yours?

I am Groot.

Groot's my friend, too.

Yeah, well, he's my business partner,

and I might need to borrow
some units from him.

Please don't go, Groot.

I am Groot.

[SNIFFLING]
Me, too.

I am Groot.

Uh, I am Groot.

What do you mean,
can we come back and visit?

I am Groot?

'Cause we got to get back
in business, that's why not.

Now let's pool our units.

Uh, I am, uh, Groot.

Wha... You lost all of it?

I am Groot.

That ain't the point!

We're talking about the units you lost!