03x12 - Long Distance Runaround

[bunniefuu]

[anchorman] This is a Galactic
Info-Net Special Report.

Guardians of the Galaxy...

Criminal Masterminds or
Interstellar Saboteurs?

Seen here on trial for the theft
of a mysterious Kree package.

Was it crown jewels or m*llitary tech?

The Kree weren't talking, and
neither were the Guardians.

An impossible escape from the
most secure Kree prison ever built

has earned them the wrath of
Kree enforcer Phyla the Accuser.

Yesterday, self-appointed Guardians.

Today, they are
the Galaxy's Most Wanted!

Do you believe this, Gamora?

They didn't even use the good mug sh*t!

- There's a good one?
- Of Quill? Not that I am aware of.

Quality photography
ain't the point, Drax.

Now everyone in the
galaxy's looking for us.

Well, at least the rain'll
keep the gawkers away.

Rain? [chuckles]
Think again.

We're inside Knowhere's mouth.

Aw! Gah, seriously, Rocket?

Come on. We're walking in drool?

- Who'd wanna live in this slime?
- Slimeballs, like Howard.

Eh, he's had a hideout here since
we were hot-wiring pods for joyrides.

I am Groot!

Hey, he probably had a perfectly
good reason for double-crossing us.

But I'm still gonna kick
the krutack out of him.

[humming]

[scatting]

[loud thud]
[yelps]

- Hey!
- Hiya, Howard. Miss us?

Guys, wait. This is all
a big misunderstanding.

I understand you stole our ship
and ditched us in an acid volcano!

And?

Okay, okay. You don't
gotta get snippy about it.

Drax will snip whatever he pleases!

Now step out slowly and...
Why are you wearing a suit in the tub?

Well, in case I gotta make a quick exit.

Like now!
[tires screeching]

I'm making a clean break, suckers!

Whoa!
Looks pretty dirty to me.

[insect buzzing]
[music]

[male announcer] Don't get
caught with galactic plaque.

Use Photon Cosmic Tooth Cleanser.

For the galaxy's brightest white.

[music]

[tires screeching]

Don't tailgate him!
He's lethal!

He's a duck in a bathtub.

What's he gonna do, get
soap in my eye? Right?

What are you gonna do, duck,
get soap in my eye?

Huh?

Aah! He got soap in my eye!

[tires screeching]

[grunts]

[creaking]

- I am Groot!
- And I am prepared.

Give back what you stole from us.

Got a little something else for ya.

[squeaks]

[squeaks]
[grunts]

Aaahhh!

[grunts]

[grunts, yells]

You will not escape us!

[yells, grunts]

Forget it, Howard.
You're a sitting duck.

[grunts]
What's a duuuuuuck?!

[grunts]
[crash]

I am Groot?

Well, obviously, a duck
is an idiot like Howard.

Now let's take him upstairs
and see if he'll quack.

[chuckling]

I am Groot?

I don't know.
Quill said that's what ducks do.

I am Groot.

Groot would like some
information from ya, Howard.

- I am Groot!
- [sighs] Fine.

His exact words were:
"Tell the lying slimeball to talk,

or I'll painfully extract every last
tail feather from his sorry, ugly butt."

[grunts] Next thing out of this beak
will either be the truth or your tongue.

[grunts]
I had no choice, I swear!

- The Collector made me do it!
- The Collector?

He said the only way I'd ever
see the outside of his tower

was to get you to bring
him this crazy Kree box.

I never wanted to
double-cross you guys.

The Collector double-crossed me.

Fortunately, I was packin'.

Obviously, he wasn't aware of
my prowess as an escape artist.

[chuckles] I not only got out, I
liberated your ride from the Collector.

You're welcome.

So we're supposed to believe
that you outsmarted the Collector?

- Cease your lies, you foul fowl!
- He ain't lyin'.

He just ain't got as
much prowess as he thinks.

It's a trap.
The Collector let him escape,

knowing we'd find him and
then come for the package.

Well, then let's not disappoint him.

You're gonna show us
where you hid the Milano,

and then you're gonna
take us to the Collector.

No way! I ain't going
nowhere near that place again!

[electricity arcing]

[descending whirring]

[Quill] Oh, that's not good.

Freeze, Guardians!

That thing you stole from
the Kree... I want it back.

- Don't make me ask twice.
- Listen up, Phyla.

We don't got it, and it ain't our fault.

Howard here is gonna explain everything.

Well, if you take it from
the perspective of, uh...

[grunts]
What is this?

[grunting]

Now, that oughta keep her busy.

[clicks]

[Quill] Seriously?
It was here the whole time?

What?
I gotta keep my options open.

- I am Groot!
- Well, don't just stand there, knothead.

Do something useful with those twigs
for a change, and grow me a bridge!

I am Groot! I am Groot!

[yelling]

Friends, please not to
squabble on Cosmo's watch.

Cosmo... just the pooch we need.

How 'bout you use your tele-whatsits
to give us a lift to our

ship so we can get outta here?

Cosmo give lift, but
cannot let Guardians escape.

[Guardians exclaiming]
[Drax] Put us down!

Sorry. Cosmo good dog.
Must obey law.

Kree want Guardians for capture.

Not capture, execution.

Okay, Guardians, you had
your fun. Now it's over. * *

Hold them still for me.

Gah! Cosmo is trying!

Cosmo must obey, but not want
for Guardians to be ex*cuted.

Please to follow Cosmo's lead, yeah?

Eh, tree ancient enemy to dog,

making for resistance!
[mock straining]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Do not make moves, tree prisoner!

Do not let them escape!

[gasps]

I am Groot!
[grunts]

[grunts, groans]

[spaceship powering up]

Huh. What Cosmo
miss while unconscious?

Spare me the performance, mutt!

Activate the defense systems, now!

[grunting]

Two choices, Cosmo!

You can release me, or I
can officially accuse you

of aiding fugitives in
their flight from justice!

Is not justice.
Cosmo read Guardians' thoughts.

All innocent.
Except for Duck Howard.

He trick Guardians to
steal for Collector.

Gullible thieves are still thieves!

And no one escapes an Accuser!

[growls]

Ugh!

Nah, don't worry about me.
I love walking back

and forth for no reason
while hurtling through space.

What do you gotta do to get
a seat in this rust bucket?

I am Groot?

Ah. Turns out the knothead
can do something useful

with those twigs after al...
[yells, groans]

[chuckling]
I am Groot.

Wow, Groot. You don't just
hold a grudge, you clutch it.

Hey, you don't gotta like Howard,

but save it for after he gives
us the Collector's coordinates.

Coordinates schmordinates.
I navigate strictly by memory.

You wanna get there, I sit here.

[growls]

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. This area's
just for the business class,

[clears throat]
so, tsk, just, uh...

[shooing sounds]

[engine revs]
[yells]

- I am Groot!
- That goes double for me...

whatever you said.

[Guardians exclaim]

Hey, you wanna try warning us
before you suddenly change course?

But I didn't!
I didn't change nothin'!

[Rocket] So how come
we're turning around?!

[Howard] Flarg if I know!

- Nav is frozen. [straining]
- Frozen on what?

Howard, I am revoking
your piloting privileges!

That's it!
I'm switching to manual!

The only person who can
handle this seat is me.

Understand? Me!
Hey! [yelling]

[straining] What...
You did that on purpose!

I'm trying to get this broken-down
go-kart flying in the right direction!

This go-kart was flying just fine
before you got your feathers on it.

- He still serves the Collector.
- I am Groot!

Keep your knothole shut,
sawdust-brain, before I tell

Rocket to dump you on the
woodpile where you belong!

[grunting]

[growling]

[chuckling nervously]

Easy there, big guy.
What's the plan here?

He appears to be heading for the
air lock to toss the waterfowl out.

Groot, wait. Howard may be
a selfish, cowardly liar,

but we still can't be sure he
deliberately sabotaged the ship.

[sighs]

[growls]

[Rocket] He deliberately
sabotaged the ship!

[Gamora, Quill, Drax]
Throw him out the air lock.

[Collector] Careful with my specimen.

I need it well-preserved for mounting.

Besides, I sabotaged your ship.

Ha! See? It was the Collector.
Wait... What?

Do you think I would just
let you escape my collection?

This was all part of my
elaborate and delicious revenge.

Enjoy the ride.
It will be your last.

[music]

[Guardians grunt]
That is for breaking my collection!

Now that I control your ship,
I also control your destinies.

[Collector] Too many times
you have broken my things! * *

[Guardians grunting, exclaiming]

Now I will break yours!

What kind of idiot keeps live
grenades in a cardboard box, Rocket?

- Who you calling idiot, duck?
- What did you call me?!

Seriously,
I have no idea what a duck is.

Yeah, neither do I.
But if you're one,

it must be the worst thing ever!

Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Oh,
you disappoint me, Guardians.

I would think you would have
more important matters to discuss

while I pilot your ship
to your doom. [engine revs]

[Quill straining]

Drax will stop your
control of this ship...

by breaking things!

[clattering, shattering]
[Drax grunting]

[alarm blaring]

Congratulations.
You've taken out your engines.

Not that that will alter
your collision course.

[Rocket] Hala?
What the flarg are we doing here?

[Gamora] And that's
a Kree battle cruiser.

Whoa! Okay, let's just fire
retro-thrusters and slow this thing!

We can't. Drax took out
the engines, remember?

That's still okay. Inertia's just
gonna take us straight into...

Oh, I don't know. Just the planet
of the people that wanna k*ll us?

Now, who would be stupid
enough to att*ck a Kree warship?

Mm, that would be us.

You may have disabled your engines,

but I still control your weapons.

- Shut 'em down, now!
- There is nothing more to punch!

[loud thud]
[all gasp]

Huh?

And now the Kree will
have indisputable evidence

that the Guardians are
their mortal enemies.

- [whimpering] I am Groot!
- Groot, wait.

Remember when we
jump-started that cargo carrier

with nothing but a busted flashlight,

a pair of tweezers,
and a jug of Rajak root slime?

- [straining] I am Groot?
- Exactly. One good blast

from the retro-thrusters
might just save us.

We won't last long
enough to rig anything

unless we shut down the weapons system.

- And how are we supposed to do that?
- Punching!

[grunts]

[yells]

[grunting]

Rocket, how many laser
cannons did you install?

[Rocket] I kind of stopped counting
after the first couple hundred.

Make yourself useful and hand me a...

- Eh, read my mind, bud.
- Come on, guys. Let me help here.

- Tell me what to do. Anything.
- I am Groot!

My partner here suggests you
go stick your beak in a vice

and see if you can last five minutes

without double-crossing someone
for once in your miserable life.

- Oh, those were his exact words?
- I embellished!

Flarg it. I don't have to
put up with this krutack.

Nor do I.

[grunts]

Whoa! Whoa!

[grunting]

Quill, Gamora, shut
off the tractor beam!

We didn't turn on the tractor beam.

Do you seriously need reminding
that I control this ship?

[straining]

Aw, betrayed by your own.

Not that it will earn them any mercy.

Groot, call it out before
you throw the last switch.

- We gotta time this perfectly.
- I... am... Groot!

[yelling]

[grunting]
I am Groot? I am Groot!

[groans]

I am Groot!
I am Groot! I am Groot!

[growls]

I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot!

Oh, now you need my help.
Well, too bad.

I am Groot!

Really? Those were his exact words?
"Like brothers"?

I am Groot?

Of course I understand
everything you say. I always have.

Maybe we got more
in common than we want to admit.

[grunts]
I am Groot!

Aw, come on.
I was going for sincere.

Guardians of the galaxy,

you stand accused for the crime of theft

for which you have been convicted,

as well as fleeing Kree justice,

- and now attacking a Kree vessel.
- Incorrect.

The one who forced our ship to att*ck
is right behind you!

That has to be the saddest
attempt at deception

I've heard in my entire
career as an Accuser.

Drax does not excel at deception.
Now turn around and look!

Silence! You are hereby
sentenced to be ex*cuted,

without ceremony or honor,
immediately!

- I... am...
- Uh, can't we discuss this?

...Groot!

[ascending whirring]
The Collector's ship?

He was telling the truth?

Hala, my home world.

No! [crying]

No!

[crying continues]

[huffs]

[music]

[grunts]

Monster!
You destroyed my planet!

My entire civilization!
[screams]

[beeps]

[cries out]

[grunts]

[music]

[groans]

Drax does not approve of this.

- I am Groot.
- Exactly. What was he supposed to do,

just leave her floating there?

Wait. You just understood Groot?

- Eh, I am Groot.
- That's genius!

If we divert energy from
Phyla's sword to the...

To the thrusters, then we can power
up the ship and get outta here!

Yeah, the thing is, there's no
longer any "here" to get out of.

The Collector just destroyed
the Kree home world.

What?
Oh, we gotta fire up those engines

- and go after that krutacker!
- Are you nuts?

I mean, you... you
just take it easy, pal.

I'll go work on the engines.

- Are we certain we can trust him?
- I am Groot.

Howard... risked his life for us?

- I am Groot.
- Seriously?

An honorary Guardian?
[door opens]

[whooshing]

Eh...

- I am Groot!
- [Rocket] You're right.

I never trusted that...
that... that duck!

[beeping] So why did
he leave us a tracker

to help us find the Collector's ship?

Eh, it's like I always say.
Nobody...

not even Howard...
is % a duck.

With the possible exception
of a certain Collector.