03x01 - Bush Man

[bunniefuu]

- Wouldn't it be crazy if this plane just...
- [SCREAMING]

Last season on "Wrecked"...

- We're pirates, mother...
- [SCREAMING]

- They're gonna k*ll us!
- So we'll take 'em out all at once.

- [GROANING]
- [YELLS]

My friends and I are going home.

The pirates came here on a cruise ship?

- Me and Todd...
- We're getting married!

I have feelings for you!

I have feelings for you, too!

- Luther?
- Yes?

KAREN: Abandon ship!

I thought I was gonna die in here,

but instead, I met you,
my new best friend.

- We got land!
- [ALL CHEERING]

We're alive!

[ALL CHEERING]

Luther!!

He stood on a land mine!

[ALL SCREAMING]

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

What the hell?

- [ARROW THUDS]
- [GRUNTS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh, come on!
- [CHUCKLES]

Whoo!

Got him!

What's that, three years in a row?

How did I do it?

I wore the wrong boots.

They're too tight. I
can't run in 'em, okay?!

God damn it!

Well, Errol, how 'bout you?

How's the, uh, night-vision thing?

Was that a big help?

You know what, dude?

You're being a real bully, okay?

- Come on.
- Yeah, you are. You are.

We're all here having a good time,

we all running through
the jungle like friends,

and then all of a sudden
you're acting like a jerk.

- A jerk?
- Yeah.

- Is that what I'm being?
- Yeah, you're being

- a real jerk.
- Really? You think that's fair?

You think that your jokes are funny.

- They're not funny.
- I'm not... I'm just...

- [COUGHS]
- [INDISTINCT ARGUING]

- I found it!
- Hold on. H-Hold on.

This guy's trying to say something.

- What is it?
- [WEAKLY] Go to hell.

Okay, see, this is exactly
why we call you "Mumbles."

You have to enunciate.

[COUGHS, SPITS]

- Uh...
- Oh.

- [LAUGHING]
- Ew! Gross!

That is gross. Have some class.

One day someone's gonna
land on this island

and they're not gonna play your games.

No.

They'll be smart and brave,

and they'll k*ll you.

Oh, yeah?

And who might that be?

[SCREAMING]

Seriously?!

Can we not catch one break?!

♪ ♪

So, what? There could
be land mines anywhere?

We don't know that. It
could've been just one...

just one rogue land mine
washed up on the shore...

[ALL SCREAMING]

Maybe it was just the two.

[SCREAMING]

Okay! Everybody, stay where you are!

We need to come up with a plan

to get off this beach.

Well, I don't have one. I was just...

Okay, well, it just sounded
like you had a plan.

Yeah, I just thought you'd have
some blowhard plan by now.

I have a couple of seeds.
I'm just kind of...

They're not really... I'm
thinking. I'm thinking.

All right, I think it's pretty
obvious what needs to happen.

Someone needs to walk off the beach.

And if, knock on wood,

that person makes it out alive,

we use their footprints to escape.

But who goes?

Listen...

there are only nine of us left.

The person with the
least value should go.

Now, Jess, you're great for morale.

I think you're an absolute delight.

Aww. Karen.

But physically, you're
a g*dd*mn liability.

- You have virtually no upper-body strength.
- What?

- That's rough.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

No one makes my wife

- walk through a bunch of land mines.
- Thanks, babe.

You got it, babe. Now,
if we're gonna choose,

we're gonna choose fairly and humanely.

All right.

Nose goes.

- Oh!
- Oh!

PACK: Oh, it's Steve!

Steve's got to go.

Fair is fair. Someone tell Steve

he's got to walk off the beach,

probably blow up. Florence?

What?

♪ ♪

Steve?

Hey, Steve!

Whattya got there, bud?

Luther's hand!

Oh.

Oh, no.

I figured if... if I can
collect enough of him,

uh, we can fix him.

There's a lot they can do these days.

They cloned that sheep.
So that'll probably work.

Or there's that Jonathan Depp movie

where they uploaded his
brain into a Macintosh.

Oh, my God. You guys,
he c... he can't go.

- Look how sad he is.
- Hey! Old man Steve!

We all played Nose goes
and we won and you lost!

You got to walk your ass off the beach

so we can see if you blow up, okay?!

- What?!
- Yeah.

- No!
- You lost the game, though.

- You kind of have to.
- We played Nose goes.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Okay, I have a plan.

We do nothing.

What?

Somebody buried these land mines, right?

Someone is here.

And that means that somebody heard

whoever that guy was explode,

and that means that
they will come to us.

But if no one comes, huh?

What are we supposed to
do here, just starve?

It may not look like much, but this body

takes some serious cals to maintain,

and Daddy's already pretty hungry.

Well, would Daddy rather
be pretty hungry,

or would Daddy like to see someone else

blown into a fine mist?

Huh? Which one?

A hungry daddy.

Okay.

So then we wait.

We wait.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[SCREAMS]

- I've got you!
- Aah!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
UTENSILS CLINKING]

Now, before everyone digs in,

just remember, we have
to ration this food.

We don't know when it is
that we'll eat again.

- I'm kidding!
- [LAUGHTER]

I'm kidding! We're not
on the island anymore.

We're obviously in the future...
some of us have mustaches.

Ah! Yeah!

Uh, Daniel Jr.!

Other Daniel Jr.! Come here.

♪ ♪

All right.

Did I ever tell you boys

about the time that your Uncle Danny

saved us from exploding?

Hmm?

There we were,

trapped on a beach that was
filled with land mines,

and no one knew what to do.

But then your Uncle Danny...

He just stood up,

and he walked off that beach.

- And he saved us.
- Mm-hmm.

And do you know how he did it?

Hmm?

He believed.

♪ ♪

Go wake your uncle up.

Wake him up.

Wake him up.

Get up!

Owen.

Owen, wake up.

Hmm.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid anymore.

What?

Hey, do you guys mind speaking up?!

I can't hear anything!

They were so beautiful.

Who?

Your boys. The Daniels.

What are you talking about?

[SCOPE CLICKS]

♪ ♪

Hey!

Hey!!

Come back here, you...

you weird bush!

Y-You blew up my best friend!

You're not fooling anyone, you bush!

We're not gonna die, not here.

We just have to believe.

Oh, Danny! Hey! Wait!

- No! Oh.
- Danny! Danny!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[CLICK]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I stepped on a land mine!

[SOBS]

Idiot!

I don't want to die! I don't want
to die! I don't want to die!

You! You! This is your fault!

You lied to me right through
your stupid mustache!

- What did you say to him?
- I didn't say anything.

[DANNY GROANS]

Uh, guys, Steve is walking
right towards us.

[ALL SHOUTING]

- I saw someone in the jungle.
- What?

He ran off, but whoever it was,

he put these land mines down.

He k*lled Luther.

- And I'm going after him.
- What?

- [ALL SHOUTING]
- Oh, please stop walking!

Sorry. Can I just...
I'm gonna have to...

Can I just...

[GRUNTING]

Thank you.

What do we do now?

Find whoever the hell Steve saw.

If someone else is here,
maybe they can help Danny.

Okay, you guys, go after Steve.

We'll wait here with Danny.

Single file! Single file, you guys!

- ... the steps.
- Watch the...

Yeah, you really bungled that one.

All right, you're good. You'll make it.

We love you, Danny. Bye.

If things get hairy,

Danny might want to take his own life.

Here.

- A switchblade.
- Yeah, big time.

- Thank you, Chet.
- No, no. Thank you.

♪ ♪

They'll find help, right?
Steve's got this.

Yeah, yeah. Steve's totally got this.

We're gonna have to
save Danny ourselves,

- aren't we?
- Yeah, I think so. We will.

Yeah. For sure.

Easy. Just keep your
foot on that trigger.

We're gonna get you off this thing.

I just got to think. I got to...

Think, Owen, think!

Danny, why would you just
walk out here like that?

It was stupid.

I had a vision, all right?

We were in the future, all of us.

We were at this beautiful dinner.

Owen's kids were there,
and... and... and...

a-and he told them that I saved us.

Aww. You saw our kids?

- Owen's kids.
- What's that, now?

They were Owen's kids
with his wife, Gwen.

She's real, real pretty.

Did she look like me at all?

Let me think. No.

- [SPANDAU BALLET'S "TRUE" PLAYS]
- She was glowing...

almost like she was
pregnant, but she wasn't.

What? Where was I?

Oh, you were there.

You were sitting by the dessert table,

glaring at everybody,
holding a mug of wine.

[SCOFFS] Well, was I with anyone?

Uh, kind of.

I think his name was "Dirty Craig."

Or at least that's what
people called him.

My husband's name was "Dirty Craig"?

[LAUGHS] Dirty Craig is
not the marryin' type.

Dirty Craig is a dog.

They don't call him "Clean Craig."

- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. Here's
what we're gonna do...

We are gonna dig a hole
around the land mine, right?

Then we're gonna lift the mine up,

and we're gonna wrap
something really tight

around Danny's shoe and the mine,

keeping the trigger down, okay?

Then Danny will very slowly

remove his foot from the shoe,

leaving a land mine boot.

We'll take that thing, throw it away...

Boom! Danny's saved.

What do you think?

- No. Oh, my God,
- Are you mad at me?

- no.
- Do you want me to die?

Okay, do you guys have any ideas?

Listen, I've seen every
action movie ever made.

There's only one way to
deal with a b*mb situation.

We got to defuse it.

♪ ♪

[SNIFFS]

KAREN: Steve, I don't
see any evidence of...

Shh!

He came through here.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

He was running.

Panicked.

♪ ♪

Frantic.

He tripped...

right into this bush.

He laid here,

terrified of the one man on this island

that was capable of k*lling him...

"Steve."

Steve.

That's when he sh*t his bush pants.

His what?

- Bush pants.
- What are "bush pants"?

Imagine a pair of pants,

and then imagine two bushes.

Now, get rid of the
pants from your memory,

reposition those bushes
where your pants would be,

so he's wearing two... two bushes.

Bush pants.

I thought you said he
was wearing a suit.

A bush suit!

Yeah!

Made out of twigs and bushes!

Nature! Nature wear!

Jesus, just keep up with me!

Come on.

Are we sure Steve actually saw someone?

- No. No, we are not.
- Okay.

Uh, you guys go ahead.

I'll catch up. I gotta
pee with my penis.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHING] You're stupid assholes.

Okay. Now there's always some
type of access panel on the side.

Do you see a panel?

Um...

yeah, actually.

I take it it's fastened
with, what, four screws,

all flathead, one in each corner?

Yeah. That's exactly right.

How many action movies have you seen?

All of them.

Now, we need to something
to unscrew it with.

♪ ♪

I'll do it.

♪ ♪

Easy.

I got it.

Easy.

I got it!

Sorry I've got these sweaty
little sausage fingers

and not delicate fairy hands like Gwen.

Who?

Gwen! You wife? From Danny's dream?

That's a dream. I don't
even know a Gwen.

You know her well enough to
put two kids in her, okay?

Is this really a conversation
that we're having?

- Yeah, it is.
- I don't even know what you're talking about.

- It hurt my feelings.
- Guys, guys.

I'm standing on a b*mb.

- Sorry. Okay. Go ahead.
- Sorry.

All right. Now, once you
get that panel off,

you're gonna see three wires...
red, blue, and green.

You're gonna want to cut the red wire.

Always cut the red wire. Got it?

♪ ♪

We're closing in.

Oh, my God. Again?

TODD: Enough!

Steve, we've been out here for hours.

What are you doing?

I'm tracking.

No, you're not. You're licking sticks.

Dude, face it... there's
no one out here.

I know what I saw.

I saw a man, and that man was a bush.

Oh, it must have been me, 'cause,
here, look, I'm in a bush.

[MOCKINGLY] Oh, ho, I'm
the guy that Steve saw.

KAREN: If we want to help Danny,

the best way to find someone
is to get to high ground.

I got to agree with Karen on this one.

Okay, priority one is Danny.

Look, guys, if we're not
looking out for each other,

if we're not helping one another,

then what are we even doing, you know?

Did you just eat something?

What?

Did I... Did I eat something?

Really? You think that I got food

and just wouldn't bring it back
and share it with you guys?

Wow.

You know what, Karen?

Go [BLEEP] yourself

for thinking I would ever turn
my back on my best friends!

You've got berry stains
all over your mouth.

There just wasn't enough
to share, okay, you guys?

- [ALL GROANING]
- You sh*t.

- Are you kidding me?
- You guys should be thanking me,

okay, 'cause these berries are
making me feel very weird.

I mean, my hands are all sweaty,

and my entire body's getting chills...

Enough!

This is the waste of time.

The Bush Man's getting away.

- There's no one out here!
- [RUSTLING]

[HUSHED] There's someone here.

[HUSHED] I told you so,
you flabby piece of sh*t.

- [HUSHED] Shut up, you Kiwi turd.
- Shh!

♪ ♪

[GROWLS]

Okay, well, are there
any other shades of red

like a "fire truck" or a "merlot"?

No, dude. They're all
the same color red,

- and there's like a hundred of them.
- Okay.

Okay. Pick one.

- What?
- What? No way.

Just pick a wire and cut it.

I'm not gonna randomly just pick a wire.

Pick a wire! Do it!

Pick a wire right now,
Owen! Get in there!

Okay, fine! I'll just pick one.

- And if your leg blows up...
- Why are we all yelling?!

- Just pick a wire! Come on! Do it! Now!
- I'll pick a wire!

[LAUGHS] Oh! Yes! Yes!

- It worked!
- We did it!

Oh! [LAUGHS]

[MINE BEEPING]

- Oh. Hey.
- Why is it beeping?

You two get out of here. Go!

No. We're not gonna leave you here, man.

Just go! Don't you get it?

- I never liked you.
- What?

You're a nerd, a dork.

I only hung out with you because
I felt bad for you, dweeb.

- Okay, I see what you're doing.
- Oh, do you?

Because you're so smart with
your flight attendant degree?

Did you even finish school, you loser?

- Hey, easy!
- Okay, sorry. That got mean.

Listen, I'm not gonna leave you.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

I was so stupid walking up here.

Why did I think I could save everybody?

At least you tried.

I mean, I suggested that
we literally do nothing.

And now I'm all worked
up because I feel like

I'm gonna lose you two guys,

and then it's just
gonna be me and the...

I mean, let's just be honest... freaks.

I just...

I love you guys.

♪ ♪

No.

We're not gonna die here.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about land mine boot.

[GROWLS]

Gorillas aren't aggressive, right?

Nah. Nah, nah. Monkeys
are chill like humes.

Okay? We just be calm and
they're happy to just be c...

- [SNARLS]
- [ALL SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

Into the trees!

[ALL SHOUTING]

PACK: I'm gonna get eaten!

Ah, come on! Help me!

- Help me up!
- Get up!

- Help me!
- Oh, God, why is your hand so sweaty?

It's the berries! I feel insane!

Jump higher!

I can't! My legs are jelly!

[GROWLS]

Oh, sh*t.

[SCREAMS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[MINE BEEPS RAPIDLY]

- What do we do now?
- Throw it!

♪ ♪

[SHOUTS]

[SCREAMING]

You could have thrown that
literally anywhere else.

♪ ♪

[SCREAMS, WHIMPERS]

I saw his balls.

[GROWLS]

Oh, God. This is all my fault.

Maybe I just wanted to see someone

to make sense of Luther's death.

You knew the guy for six hours.

Why do you even care?!

'Cause you guys just
tolerate me, all right?

Luther... he actually liked me.

[SIGHS] No. Steve, we like you, okay?

You're one of us.

Really?

Yeah.

What do you like about me?

- Oh, my God.
- Uh... your hair.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, that's a good one.

Todd?

You're funny, I guess.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. I'm pretty funny.

What about you, Karen?

Easy. You got an ass that won't quit.

[GORILLA GROWLS]

Oh, God. It's coming right at me!

[GROWLS]

I can fix this!

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Take a chomp on this perfect ass!

- [SNARLS]
- [SCREAMS]

[g*nsh*t]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hello, there.