03x02 - Puke and Cigars

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on "Wrecked"...
- I think you're a pretty cool guy.

Oh, you're the cooler guy.

He k*lled Luther. And
I'm going after him.

- There's someone here!
- [ROARS]

[EVERYBODY SCREAMING]

It's coming right at me!

[g*nsh*t]

Hello, there.

♪ ♪

Sorry about that.

Tiki there never was much for manners.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, pardon me, I'm...
I'm Declan Stanwick.

And welcome to "Jurassic Park"!

[BIRD CALLS IN DISTANCE]

[CHUCKLES]

This is my private island.

Do you people need any help?

This is your island?

Yes, this is my sandy speck of paradise

in the great blue bath

that we... Oh, hello.

It was your land mines that
k*lled my best friend!

Land mine?

Oh, no. Did you come
from the north beach?

Yes, it was a beach,

and Luther d*ed there!

And it's all your fault!

It... It is... It is my fault.

This island was once a-a
militant stronghold.

The mines, I thought
we'd cleared them all.

He was your best friend?

[WHISPERING] Yes.

Oh, my poor man.

[VOICE BREAKING] Words
simply cannot express

the depth of my sorrow f-for...

- [NORMAL VOICE] what was his name?
- Luther.

- Luther?
- Yes.

[DRAMATICALLY] Luther!!

[CRIES]

I swear to you his death
will not be in vain.

I will start a foundation
in Luther's name,

and it shall be known as...

... Luther's Landmines.

♪ ♪

You... did all you could.

♪ ♪

I could've done more.

Through the foundation, you will.

We will!

[WHISPERING] We will.

Everyone!

This is Declan.

He's here to help.

Yes.

[SIGHS]

Won't you... come with me?

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS]

DECLAN: A plane crash, then
pirates, then a sinking ship.

[LAUGHS] Seems you people
can survive anything.

Speaking of, why are there
k*ller gorillas here?

Yeah, what is this, Skull Island?

[GASPS]

Is this Skull Island?

This is my personal hunting reserve.

I import big game animals.

Tiki and his mate Olive came
from a zoo in old Montreal.

This way. My villa's just up ahead.

PACK: Hey. Hey, Declan?

So, you just live out here
in the jungle by yourself?

No, I really divide my time
between London and Dubai.

And my yacht, of course, in Mallorca.

This is just a private
retreat where I can bring...

special friends.

[QUIETLY] Are you getting
creep vibes from this guy?

[QUIETLY] Major creep vibes.

I don't know what it is. He's just...

So dope! I mean, a yacht
and his own island?

Playboy's doing it right.

How does he keep his suit so clean?

Welcome, friends, to my humble abode!

[ALL EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY]

♪ ♪

Whoo!

Martha!

I have found some weary travelers.

What say we whip up some
refreshments for them, hmm?

Ooh, what do you all feel like?

Tapas? Hmm? Small plates?

Well, first things first,

I'd like to check my work e-mail.

- Yes, e-mail!
- Whoo!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

No, no, no. Un-Un-Unfortunately,

the lodge is, by design, a dead zone.

There's no Wi-Fi, no cellular.

It forces me to truly unplug.

I do, however, have a wideband radio

I had installed for emergencies.

You know, I shall fire it
up, hail the authorities,

and arrange...

for your rescue.

KAREN: There it is!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS]

Can you imagine being
bros with a billionaire?

The parties, the jets,

doing burn-outs in a Lambo?

[MIMICS ENGINE NOISES]

[LAUGHS]

Nice! Boom!

Ding!

So sick.

You're delusional.

I can imagine him being friends with me.

[LAUGHS]

Whatever, dude. Rich guys love me.

I promise you, it is not Valyrian steel.

- We don't know that.
- We do.

- C-Can't I just ask?
- Hey!

Hey, so, we've got a bad
feeling about Declan.

- What do you mean?
- There's just something about him

- that's setting off our creep radar.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know. He seems fine to me.

- Oh, my God.
- Of course he seems fine to you,

'cause as a man, you
don't have to constantly

be looking out for red flags.

He's a rich white dude

- who lives in the middle of nowhere.
- That's a red flag.

All this hung velvet?

That's... That's literally a red flag.

I don't know if he's, like, a sex creep

or, like, a cult creep

or he, like, "throws
ladies in wells" creep,

but he's definitely the kind of creep

who puts his hand on your lower back

when he's trying to move past you,

- even though there's so much room.
- Oh, God, I hate it.

- No. I can't.
- I know, right? It's the worst.

Okay, ladies?

I think it is perfectly understandable

- that you would feel this way.
- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.
- But, in this case,

I think you're overreacting.

- [GASPS]
- What?!

- So, you're saying we're crazy?
- O-kay!

Not saying you're crazy.
Not saying that.

I'm saying that it is natural
to be a little bit edgy,

what with everything
that's happened before,

but isn't it possible that in this case,

we actually just got lucky?

DECLAN: Good news!

I managed to reach an
international aid ship.

They're charting a course for the island

and will be here for you in the morning.

You mean we're going home,

like, for real this time?

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]

♪ ♪

Now, I thought we should
toast your good fortune

with a cocktail.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

- Okay.
- Karen, no!

[GLASS SHATTERS] Oh!

We didn't see what he put in those.

Mm.

Mm.

Strain over fresh ice.

Et voilà.

Heaven in a glass.

You ever slap a drink
out of my hand again,

- I'll k*ll you.
- No, no, no, no.

Florence should be commended.

After all, I'm some man you just met.

Who knows what my motivations could be?

Aside from getting nicely toasted.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I will drink to that!

- No, I'll drink to that, Declan!
- No, I said it first!

I will drink to...

To the places you all have been

and to where you soon shall go.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, yeah.

[GLASSES CLINKING]

Mmm.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Excuse me.

Luther's Landmines will
be a true nonprofit.

Of course, I'll take a salary to live.

Maybe a company car,

something German.

You know, this is the first
time I've seen you, like,

- not stressed out.
- Oh, my God.

I'm so glad I don't have to be all,

"Guys, guys, uhh!"

Help is on the way. We're good.

I think I'm gonna like Chill Owen.

Uh, yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Crab rangoons with a
miso-plum dipping sauce.

You know, this place would completely

fall to pieces without Martha.

Yeah, Jess doesn't cook for sh*t.

♪ ♪

[QUIETLY] If Declan's using this
place as a skeevy bang shack,

Martha would know.

[QUIETLY] Let's go.

[TODD AND DECLAN CHUCKLING]

TODD: So funny, man!

Oh, I love to laugh!

Hey, Declan? I couldn't
help but noticing

this McMillan.

- Very nice!
- Oh, I see I'm in the presence

of a fellow scotch man.

Well, if enjoying a balanced single malt

with a firm, creamy mouthfeel

makes me a scotch man,
[LAUGHS] well, then,

I guess I'm guilty as cheers'd.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know, I think we shall have
to arrange a tasting later on.

Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Why wait?

Let's scotch it up.

- Whoop!
- What are you doing?

Whoa! Oh!

That's naughty, but nice.

Just a little flair. Don't be scared.

sh*ts. Uhh.

Uhh!

Oh!

Nailed it!

There's one in my holster.

Ah! Hey!

Party foul.

Right? No worries, though, Dec.

I will pay for that.

How much do I owe you?

It's quite all right.

- I'll just get Martha to fetch another one.
- No, no, no, no, no, dude.

I'm good for it. What's
the damage, Chief?

Oh, well...

- $ , .
- What in the world?

- That's it?!
- Mm.

grand?

I got it.

Hi!

Yes?

Do you need to toilet?

No, we just wanted to tell you

your rangoons are amazing.

So, Martha, how is it
working for Mr. Stanwick?

Mr. Stanwick is a remarkable man.

He works very hard,

and this is what makes him unique...

he also plays hard.

Martha, does he ever play...

too hard?

What do you mean?

Does Mr. Stanwick ever do anything

to make you feel uncomfortable?

I...

really shouldn't say anything.

- [CLICKS, WHIRRING]
- [WHISPERING] There.

Now, you can speak freely.

If word got back to him, I
dread what would happen,

but I can't stay silent any longer.

You see, as long as I've worked for him,

Mr. Stanwick has made a sick habit of...

... not washing his hands
after he toilets.

[WHIRRING CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

- No problem.
- It's cool.

[CLICKS, WHIRRING STOPS]

[WHISPERING] I don't know what...

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Ah, Declan. Thank you so much.

I just want to say, everything
has been truly magnifique.

DECLAN: Oh, the best is yet to come.

My friends!

Martha will now show you to your rooms.

I want you well-rested.

Tomorrow's going to be a very big day.

We're so grateful. Thank
you for your service.

[LAUGHTER]

Care to meet in my room
later for some humping?

Shh! Jesus!

I'm not that drunk.

[QUIETLY] Where's your room?

Todd, none of this feels right.

I don't think we can trust this guy.

Copy that. Pack's the worst.

Now we got to ask your
dad for another $ , .

What? No, I mean Declan.

What?

Declan's the coolest,
babe. Don't be cray.

[SCOFFS]

I can't end the night like this.

I have to go be with him.

♪ ♪

[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]

♪ ♪

- [BOTH GASP]
- Florence!

- I was coming to find you.
- I was coming to find you.

Todd just straight-up called me crazy

for not trusting Declan.

I tried to get Owen and Danny

to look for hidden cameras

and they went off to find the hot tub.

If they're not gonna listen to us,

we will just have to prove it to them.

- Yes, bitch.
- Yes, bitch!

Okay, all right. So, I was thinking,

if there's creepo
toilet cameras in here,

there's got to be monitors
somewhere, right?

[GASPS] Ooh, the basement.

Creeps always go underground

to do their nasty, nasty business.

What's up, Dec? Uh, couldn't sleep,

so I thought maybe you and I
could crush some nightcaps.

What a splendid idea.

I think we need another glass.

Absolutely. Got it, Dec.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, you're so desperate.

♪ ♪

Whoa. Bingo.

You don't put a keypad
on a freaking half-bath.

How do we get in?

- I can hack it.
- Huh?

Sort of. Well, so, if you look

at an iPhone from way over on the side,

you can see smudges

on whichever keys get used the most.

You have to do this on
Todd's phone a lot?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, there are marks on the and the

and that's it.

Just the and ?

[BOTH SCOFF]

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

- Ew, gross.
- Oh, my God, of course!

[DOOR CLICKS, CREAKS]

I knew it!

He's got cameras everywhere.

Nice dungeon lighting, dude.

There's Owen and Danny in the hot tub,

probably sword fighting.

Is that Karen?

- [COMPUTER WHIRS]
- Oh, my God!

She's hooking up with Steve again. Ew!

- Oh, my God.
- I know, right?

She has perfect tits.

[SCREAMING]

Emma?!

What the hell? I mean, like,

- what the hell?!
- Who are these people?!

Emma, what happened?

- Mr. Stanwick doesn't like trespassers.
- [GASPS]

You! We asked you if Declan
does anything weird,

and you don't think
this counts as weird?!

What did he do to them?!

You'll find out soon enough.

Come with me.

- No.
- No way.

All right, then.

I'll just have to make you.

♪ ♪

Come!

Come!

- What is she doing that?
- What... What's happening?

[PATTING LEGS] Come!

- Does she think we're dogs?
- I don't know.

Come!

- Jess, what are you doing?!
- What?! I don't know! Sorry.

She's clapping so hard!

All right, then.

Help!

Help! Help!

- [SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
- Oh, hell, yeah.

You mind if we light up
one of these stogies?

Those are Cubans.

I save them for special occasions.

I think tonight certainly
qualifies, don't you?

Nice. Let's do this.

Hey, Pack, uh,

you probably want to sit
this one out, right?

Little guy like you? Little lungs?

Pfft!

No way. I love Cubans.

Everything about it, you know,

the country, cigars, sandwiches.

Here you go, player.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Take a big pull.

♪ ♪

Cheers.

[WHEEZES]

[COUGHS]

♪ ♪

Just as smooth as I thought.

What are we gonna do?!
We've gotta warn the others!

I don't know, but can I just
take a moment to point out

- that we were right about Declan?
- We were so right!

I'm sorry, but can we
just vent for a second?

Like, no one was listening
and now here we are, just...

Wait, wait, wait.

♪ ♪

[WHEEZING]

Oh, so choice.

You ready for round , Dec?

Don't mind if I deux.

- [LAUGHS]
- Pack?

[WHEEZES] Oh, big-time, baby.

I'm so ready. I just gotta
pop over to the bathroom.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

See you in a bit.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- So, Dec,

you ever been to Lake Havasu?

- [WATER RUNNING]
- It's Arizona's playground.

[FAUCETS CREAKING]

I-Is he taking a shower in there?

I don't know. He's a clean freak.

Anyway, I got a booze
boat docked out there.

[PACK VOMITING AND COUGHING]

I think you'd better go
check on your friend.

Sure.

He's probably, uh, just freshening up.

[LAUGHS]

- TODD: [MUFFLED] What are you... ?
- [DOOR CLOSES]

You idiot, you're making
us both look bad.

- Why is the damn shower on?
- PACK: Because I had to barf,

and I didn't want Declan to hear me.

Now you've gotta be all
wet when you come out.

No, I don't have to be wet.

At least put your head under the spout.

- No.
- Do it!

- No! [GRUNTS]
- Screw it.

Come on. Do it!

Why don't you go sell a condo
somewhere, you piece of sh*t!

- I'm gonna throw up again!
- No, don't!

- [RETCHES]
- Ew, gross. Crab rangoons!

- Oh, Christ.
- Why didn't you just turn the fan on?

Ugh! Sick!

It smells like puke and cigars in here!

I'm freaking out. How
far do we have to go?

I don't know.

How do we get out of here?!

I don't know!!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[SIGHS]

I think I could get used to this.

Uh, yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

TODD: All right, Dec.

We're all good in there. We're just...

Oh, sh*t!

Declan? You happy now?

He bailed on us

'cause you're being all
freak of the week.

Aah!

Did you just chuck a book at me?

You're freak of the week!

Not this week! Not any week!

- Oh, you want some?!
- Not any week!

Ow! My elbow!

- God damn it!
- C'mon. Aah!

Bring it! I dare you!

- Ow!
- [GRUNTS]

Ow!

[CLUNKS]

[CREAKING]

Oh!

- It's a secret passageway.
- So cool. Declan rules.

- Oh, neon.
- Sick.

So sick.

Is that mahogany?

♪ ♪

[CHUCKLES]

No, no, no, no, no!

♪ ♪

- Aah!
- Aah!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

DANNY: I think it's coming from up here.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING, BANGING]

Is that Florence?

FLORENCE: Please help!
We're in the vents!

Well, what the hell are
you doing in the vents?!

Let us out!!

ALL: Whoa!

[JESS AND FLORENCE COUGHING]

Oh, my God.

Emma's head is on the wall!

Her head is chopped off, and
it's on the wall and like...

- Okay, calm down.
- There's no time!

Where's Todd? We've gotta go!

- You sound hysterical.
- Your tone is very shrill.

Will you just listen to us?!

You guys! You guys!

This place is bad news!

The dude has human heads on the wall!

Everybody, get their stuff.
We've gotta go.

- [g*n COCKS]
- DECLAN: No. Stay.

[OMINOUS CHORD STRIKES]

I insist.

Holy sh*t.

Todd and Pack were right.

♪ ♪

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I do hope you'll be comfortable here.

Or not. I really don't care.

I can't believe I wanted
to be bros with you.

[SPITS]

Everything you said about Luther,

it was all a lie?!

Yes, it was.

I planted those mines.

I thought they worked smashingly.

I don't know how and I don't know when,

but I will k*ll you.

Not if I k*ll him first.

[SPITS]

Love the spirit, but it
won't happen, of course.

You forgot one thing,

d*ck-lan.

There's an international aid
ship coming to rescue us.

You lose, bro. [CHUCKLES]

Does someone else want
to tell him or... ?

Danny, he didn't actually call the ship.

Oh...

You son of a bitch! [SPITS]

What is with you people and spitting?

So, what are you gonna do?
Are you just gonna k*ll us?

No, I'm going to break you

and watch you turn on each other.

Yeah, but that's not gonna happen,

because the nine of us
have been through too...

- Whoa, whoa, I count .
- What?

- Wait, who's missing?
- , , ...

- Where's Chet?
- Did we lose Chet?!

- Did he get lost?
- Ugh.

Martha?

Find this Chet.

♪ ♪

I see it's every man
for himself already.

Good. That'll help...

when you're hunting each
other to the death.

♪ ♪

I think we're in trouble.

Uh, yeah.