03x07 - Ballers

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on "Wrecked"...
- I'm going to break you

and watch you hunt each
other to the death.

- [ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
- Jess!

- Where am I?
- She thinks she's in college.

- You live in L.A.?
- Jess has a boner for Pack.

OWEN: Guys, can we focus, please?

Namely on how we're gonna get out
of this "Hunger Games" knockoff?

- [HORN SOUNDS]
- [SCREAMS]

Karen, please.

Wait! Declan told me that...

ERROL: Wait, wait. Who was it?!
Who... Who sh*t him?!

Holy sh*t.

OWEN: Guys, can we focus, please?

Namely on how we're gonna get out
of this "Hunger Games" knockoff?

- This can't be real.
- Oh, it's real, pal.

You take my girl, I take your life.

Todd, I didn't do anything.

- This is between you and Jess.
- Wrong!

This is between you and Derek Punchly.

- Who's Derek Punchly?
- My fist!

And he brought his twin
brother, Timmy Cold-cock.

If they're twins, why do they have
different last names, you idiot?

Pack, we should team up. We'll
have a better sh*t of surviving

if we hunt together.

I mean, not like together-together.

I mean, unless you, like, wanted
to hunt together-together.

Jess, listen, I'm very flattered,

but I just don't think
the timing's right.

- Oh, my God. Totally.
- It's not you.

It's just that your ex-husband's
trying to m*rder me, you know.

Yeah. I mean, this is, like, whatever?

We should just hunt together
casually, you know.

Hey, Jess. I know you.

You don't actually
like this needle d*ck.

You just... You always had a boyfriend.

You don't think you can
do things on your own.

Oh, my God! That is not true!

I love being alone. You can,
like, really hear your thoughts.

Todd, Jess and I are not
hunting together, I swear!

- We wouldn't... This is not...
- [HORN SOUNDS]

♪♪

[SCREAMS]

Pack, wait!

♪♪

Hell, yeah.

Hey, Pack!

I'm about to go all Bat-niss
Everdeen on your ass.

'Cause of the bat and...
the arrows and...

Whatever! You're dead!

- Stop following me!
- No! I'm not doing this alone!

I'll literally die!

- Aah!
- Are you okay?

- [PANTING]
- TODD: Hey, Pack!

I'm gonna rip your
nuts outta your mouth!

Oh, God! Quick, cover me in leaves.

It's the only way! But
where should I hide?

Anywhere but here!

Jess, wait!

Can you cover my face? I can't
do it and keep my arms covered.

Thank you! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

[SCOFFS] Well, well, well.

What do we have...

- here?!
- [SCREAMS]

Oh, God! I'm sorry!

It's not my fault Jess likes me.

I'm just really charming.

Yeah, well, I'm pissed!

And it feels like your fault,

so I'm just gonna take it out on you!

- Aah!
- [YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God. Did I just k*ll him?

[GROANS SOFTLY]

No.

You conked him. Where
did that come from?

Oh, I was in color guard in high school.

You mean the nerd cheerleaders
that wave big flags around?

Uhh, no. I mean the cool cheerleaders

who don't dress like hookers.
And we don't wave flags.

We spin them.

Wow. You can really handle that thing.

I don't want to brag, but we made state

with this k*ller Whitney
Houston routine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Listen, Jess.

I think we should hunt together.

Like, together-together.

Oh, my God.

Really? Okay. [CHUCKLES] All right.

So, we should double back and
go on the offensive, right?

[GRUNTING]

Put this stick to use.

Yeah, that is a great idea.

I really like that idea,
but I was thinking

we use your stick to walk, right?

And then maybe we turn
that walk into a run,

and then we run directly
into a hiding spot.

And if anyone finds us, you
can protect us with your...

stick stuff.

What do you say...

babe?

Okay. Let's hide.

Okay.

Oh.

♪♪

The hell?

Pretty trippy, huh, Todd?

Rob Corddry?

[CHUCKLES]

Second lead on HBO's "Ballers"?

I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

Uh, I'm not "the second lead".

It's a two-hander. It's me and The Rock.

Wait. What's going on?

Where's Jess?

I was just about to
thump on Pack, and...

- And now you're there.
- [GASPS]

Am I dead?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not yet. This all around you?

This... This thing, most of those...

This is the realm of your unconscious.

Lucky for you, you got me
to guide you through it.

You're telling me Rob Corddry

- is my spirit guide?
- Yeah.

- Oh, hell, yeah, my dude!
- [LAUGHS]

Whoo! We're gonna get naughty.

- What!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If you're here, that means... No.

No! Oh, yeah.

I smell what we're cooking.

Where is he, huh? Where is The Rock?

- [LAUGHS]
- No.

Where are you, D, you big boy?

Actually, he's not here, okay?

It's just me, no Rock.

Oh.

D.J.'s sh**ting, like, nine
movies right now, okay?

I think he's a little busy for
some random dude's dream sequence.

Me, on the other hand, huh?

Come on, hit that sh*t, man!

- Boom! Ballers.
- Ballers.

[LAUGHS] Nice. So, this
is what's gonna happen.

We are gonna step through that door,

and you are gonna learn
a lesson about you.

And if I don't, then what?

That guy shits his pants or something?

Yeah, he'll sh*t his pants again...
probably.

But if you don't learn why you're here,

this Todd, the real Todd,
will never wake up again.

- Oh, [BLEEP]
- I know, right?

Shall we?

Hey, so "Hot Tub Time Machine,"
that wasn't real, right?

Are you asking me if the hot tub

- was a real time machine?
- Just answer the question.

You don't have to be a d*ck about it.
Was it real?

Okay, well, what if we hide
down there in that ditch?

[LAUGHING] Okay.

Are you trying to drown in flood water?

No, no, no. Jess...

hiding is all about anticipating danger.

And the way we...

- Is that a cave?
- No.

It's the perfect hiding spot.

[LAUGHS]

Well, let's just say my hidey
senses are a-tingling.

Something tells me we're
gonna be totally fine.

- [TEACCENT]Stop right there.
- [SQUEAKS]

Oh, God, please. I don't
want to die, please.

Little buddy?

- Big Bruce!
- Hot damn!

- I thought that was you!
- [SHOUTING]

I can't believe y'all are still alive.

It's so good to see you.

Hey, Chet, get on out here!
See who's here!

- Hey!
- Right on. It's Pack and Jess.

- Do I know them?
- Ye-Yeah.

They're from the plane crash.

It's... It's Bruce and Chet.

Uh, these guys. Yeah.

Oh, come on, Jess. You remember me.
Bruce.

- Bruuuuce.
- Unforch, she doesn't.

She got a little bit of a head trauma.

- Thinks she's .
- Whoa. Hi, I'm Chet.

You should know that we
banged and both jizzed, so...

- Sorry about your noggin.
- Thanks.

So, Bruce, what's the deal?
Is this your cave?

Hell, yeah, it is. Come on in!

PACK: Oh, wow! It's so small.

♪♪

[METAL CRASHING]

[SCREAMS]

- [BEEPS]
- [GRUNTS]

- [BEEPS]
- [SCREAMS]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

- A moment, sir?
- What? Not now, Martha.

Steve and that ragged old
cow are going toe-to-toe.

Half-Pint and The Hot
One have disappeared.

- What do you mean?
- I've lost them on the feed.

Well, do your bloody job and find them.

- Oh, whoa. [SHUDDERS]
- [CHUCKLES]

- That is a freakin' wild ride.
- Right?

Ah.

Where the hell are we?

You're about to find out.

- [GLASSES CLUNK]
- Now, watch and learn.

Greg Graff?

Oh, my God. This friggin' punk bully.

He made my life hell in middle school.

Yeah, but what you didn't
know was that Greg

was going through his own hell.

GREG'S MOM: Oh, you moron!
You sunk all our money

into a self-cleaning toilet business?

GREG'S DAD: Yeah, Wanda, I did because

it's a good investment!

People are always gonna
have to take a sh*t.

So, probably see Greg a
little differently now, huh?

Hey. Go to him.

♪♪

Hey.

Come on, man.

- [SHOUTING] Boom!
- Oh! What?!

Oh! I'm a little bigger now, huh, Greg?!

- Todd! What the hell!
- Yeah.

You just met my good
friend, Derek Punchly!

- Whoo.
- Jesus, man. No.

You were supposed to see that
he only lashed out at you

because of what he was
going through at home.

Who gives a sh*t, man?
My mom was a hard ass.

Didn't turn me into a bully.

You just punched a child.

- Is that all you got, p*ssy?
- What'd you say?

[SPITS]

- Whoa!
- Wow!

- All right, dude.
- Let's go, man! Come on!

Yeah, you better thank Rob Corddry,

'cause he just saved your life, bitch!

And by that time, the life raft

was nothing but a pile of driftwood.

And that's when the birds came...

About a dozen of 'em, circling.

[POPS TONGUE]

Plucked Beth right out of the water

and into the sky.

I ain't never seen birds work
together like that before.

And thankfully, we washed
up on shore that night.

What about you, Chet? What
happened after the gorilla?

You mean...

after you abandoned me to die?

[GULPS]

Nada mucho, actually. Just
dipped about for a while.

Ate some funny berries,
sh*t out a runny sh*t.

Literally walked right into Bruce.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Hey, what about y'all? Where y'all been?

Listen, I don't know how to say this.

It's just us now.

The gorilla... It k*lled the others.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Whoa.

Yeah, it tore them all to pieces

with its big monkey hands.

Jesus.

Apes and birds, man. Apes and birds.

Pack, can I... can I speak
to you for a second?

- Just...
- Of course.

Excuse her.

She's numb from grief.

[WHISPERING] What are you doing?
We have to tell them the truth.

If they know about the hunt,
they could think the others

are gonna follow us here and k*ll them.

They'll kick us out of the cave.

My sorority big always says,
"Honesty is the best policy.

Now tell us why you're fat."

- We have to come clean.
- This is our only sh*t.

Declan clearly doesn't
know this place exists.

Well, maybe they can
help us defeat Declan.

I mean, they don't have bracelets.
We can save everyone.

Save everyone?

Are you listening to yourself?

You're being so selfish.

I'm trying to protect us.

You're doing this... for us?

Of course. So just...
don't rock the boat.

TODD: What do you say we take one
of these magic doors back in time

to, like, the first Hooters
or something, you know?

When silicone was good.

Hey!

- My glasses. Found 'em.
- [GLASSES CLATTER]

Oh, my God. That's -year-old me!

'Sup, playboy?

Whoo, he is a handsome
little sucker, huh?

You said your mom was a
real hardass, right?

You remember this day?

- [DOOR SHUTS]
- Come on, Todd. We're leaving.

But you promised me a lollipop.

[GRITTED TEETH] Shut up,
you little crybaby.

Ow.

See? She's mean as hell.

Yeah, but do you ever why
she was so mean to you?

And sna...

Please, this loan,

I-it's the only way I can get
Todd into the good schools.

Y-You know how rough
Scottsdale Public is.

He... He'll never survive.

I'm sorry.

Your credit is dog sh*t.

♪♪

[MUFFLED] Come on, Todd, we're leaving.

Your mother taught you to mask
feelings of hurt and sadness

with displays of aggression.
Classic cycle.

Do you understand that now?

Yeah, I understand...

that this butt sniffer
should've given my mom a loan.

- Boom!
- Oh, my God!

- Eat it, moneybags!
- No!

- And I ruled Scottsdale Public.
- What are you do...

H-How are you not getting this?
Are you thick?

Hey, watch it, Cords.
It's still my head.

- I'll think your d*ck off.
- What?

[LAUGHTER]

Boy, I haven't heard
that sound for a time.

What?

Laughter.

What with this group's been through,

I didn't think any of us
were ever gonna laugh again.

Heck, what am I telling you for?

You had to watch an ape tear
apart all your friends.

Yeah.

Even so,

I can't help but think that
we've turned a corner.

Maybe we can actually find
peace on this island,

love one another, live in harmony,

actually be % safe, you know?

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, heck. Listen to me babble on.

Pay me no mind, Jess.
I'm just an old fool.

Listen, Bruce.

I have to tell you something.

PACK: Hey, Bruce.

Listen, man, I hate to be that guy,

but the sleeping spot you gave us is...

sort of craggy, so I was wondering if...

What's happening?

Hey! Dude.

You're being very un-Baller right now.

I'm just trying to
help you wake up, man.

Really?

But if all you wanna
do is fight, go ahead.

Knock yourself out.

♪♪

[LAUGHING] What?

Hell, yeah!

This guy is swole patrol.

What's up, Cobra Kai Todd?

Hell, yeah. What's up, little bitch?

What did you say to me, dude?

And Declan and his friends

are just watching from the mansion,

like it's a sport.

So, you're saying there
can only be one survivor?

Yeah.

Well, then, I guess we don't
have much of a choice, do we?

[STAMMERING] Well, hold on...
Hold on a second, Chester, now.

They don't even know we're here.

As long as they don't
spot us, we're safe.

[WHIRRING APPROACHES]

- [GASPS]
- Oh!

Oh, sh*t.

MARTHA: Oh, sh*t.

They know we're here.

CHET: Well...

- then I guess it's begun!
- [SCREAMING]

Damn, son a bitch! Where'd
you get another Kn*fe?!

Old Chester always has a
second switchblade, ass balls!

Don't you get it?!

There can only be one survivor!

Okay. Hang on a second!

- [SHOUTS]
- Oh, God!

[SCREAMING]

- I told you not to tell them.
- Chet, stop!

Sooner or later, this Derclan guy

is gonna pull us all into this.

It's "Lawrence of the Flies," babies,

- and I aim to be Lawrence.
- You think it's "Lawrence of the Flies"?

- Everybody, rush him!
- [SHOUTING]

- [GRUNTS]
- [ALL SHOUTING]

Let the games begin!

[LAUGHS]

[GROWLING] You. You led that
metal bird straight to us.

You brought death to our door step.

Get him!

Quick, Jess! Use your
stick to protect us!

What? You're the dude. You're
supposed to protect me.

[WHIMPERS, SCREAMS]

- [SCREAMING]
- God damn it!

Start something, you little bitch.

I'm right here, bitch. Start something.

- You go ahead, bro. Start something.
- No, you start something.

- I'm right here, dude.
- Oh, for the love of Christ,

one of you start something.

You're running out of time.

BOTH: Copy that, Cords.

- Ha!
- Two Todds enter.

- Aah!
- [GRUNTS]

- [SCREAMS]
- Ha!

[GROANING]

One Todd leaves!

[GRUNTING]

Aah! Ha-ah!

[BONES SNAPPING, GRUNTING]

- [GROANING]
- And good night.

Whoo!

- Good.
- Oh, boy.

Never doubt the twins.
You see that, Corddry?

Oh, you think you kicked his ass?

Uhh, yeah.

He didn't land a single punch.

Then maybe you should
take a look at this.

Whoa.

I guess he did get some sh*ts in, huh?

What? No!

Jesus Christ.

Do I have to spell this out for you?

You. Did. This. To...

you.

I... kicked my own ass?

[LAUGHING] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That means... whenever
I choose aggression,

I'm only hurting...

- myself.
- Oh!

[LAUGHS] Wow. Yes!

Mwah! Yes, finally.

Oh, God.

To think it only took you three tries

and a super-on-the-nose
metaphor to get you there.

I know what I need to do now.

Well, I'll be seeing you, Todd.

Thanks, "Ballers'" Rob Corddry.

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

You want to know why my
brain chose you, Cords?

'Cause The Rock may be
the pecs and the abs

and the ass of that show...

but you're the heart.

Thank you, Todd.

But next time, you
know, tell The Rock...

Get the [BLEEP] outta here.

You got it, boss.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

♪♪

[GROANS]

[ANIMAL CHITTERING]

BRUCE: Now, Jess, I don't
feel good whomping on a girl.

When those birds snatched Beth,

I made a promise to these
people to protect them.

[WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I
WANNA DANCE" PLAYS]

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Let's do this.
- ♪ Whoo! ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, uh-huh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I want to dance ♪

♪ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ I wanna feel the heat with somebody ♪

♪ Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody ♪

[SHOUTING]

♪ With somebody who loves me ♪

- Aah! [GROANS]
- Jesus!

[SCREAMS]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Please, please don't k*ll me. Please!

Relax, bud.

I don't want to thrash you anymore.

Really? Come on. Really.

Let's just say

Rob Corddry taught me
how to be a better man.

What?

Where's Jess?

Right here.

You're alive.

Duh. I can take care of myself.

Sick.

Listen, Jess, I just
wanted to say that...

Ow!

You abandoned me back
there, you little wiener!

It's not my fault! You told
everyone, and they freaked out.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Was that Florence?

She could be in trouble.

Come on!

Jess. Wait!

What the... Wait for me!

Wait!

There's something I need to tell you.

Declan told me that...

[GASPING]

Wait for me!

What happened?

JESS: They k*lled Steve.

Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t.

[LAUGHS]

Game on, babies! Chet's in The Hunt now!