02x05 - No Country Club for Young Men

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Hey, stop right there, sir.

Let me see some ID.

ID? I'm George Lopez. I live here.

ID, sir.

Man, all right.

You wanna go viral? Film this.

All right, Mr. Lopez,
your neighbors complained

about reckless endangerment.

Knives flying into their backyards.

I was just throwing them at the fence.

And one slipped through.

Oh man, Hector, come on, man.

What're you thinking, dude?

[sighing] Listen, he's staying with me.

I'm trying to rehabilitate
him, help him out.

Why don't I make a... [clearing throat]

a donation. Is it still...

- Toys for Tots.
- Toys for Tots.

- Thank you, Officer.
- All right, thanks.

♪♪

Unhook him.

[siren whooping]

♪♪

I simply don't get it.
I tweeted great rants

about e-cigarettes, and I've got

a total of likes, and
they're all from Hector.

Got your back, bro.

Damn, I gottafigure out a way

for more people to see my stuff.

George, I need some of your followers.

Can you just retweet
me once every few hours?

The people that follow me don't like you.

But I tell you what, I'mma do it.

'Cause you sound desperate.

Hey, can't have a recap
of yesterday and be

pissing the neighbors off, so, Manolo,

your job is to keep him out of trouble.

I'm sorry, jefe, but school's

kicking me in the
culo, I gotta study.

Can you quiz me on the presidents?

What makes you think I know?

Hey, Maronzio is gonna
quiz you on the presidents.

And both of you help him find a job

because I can't have him
here exfoliating all day

and taking cat naps between
episodes of the "Gilmore Girls."

It's hard for parolees to
find even a doo-doo job.

Like when I was trying
to get on at Arby's

and they were like, "No."

And I was like, "Man..."

You know who said that first? Mark Twain.

Write that down. I'm going golfing.

Help him find a job, you two, all right?

♪♪

Hey, Amir, what zip code is that?

Hey, you're pretty funny, George.

You ever think of doing comedy?

Hey, wait 'til you guys see my new show.

Hour-long drama...

I play a scary son of a bitch.

- Oh, you playing a drunk?
- [all chuckling]

Hey, I didn't know your kid worked here.

Yeah. Mine did too.

Hell, for the amount
of money we pay in dues,

better hire our kids.

That's right, they better hire our kids.

Hundred bucks you make this one, Lopez.

You're on.

♪♪

It's actually so good
to be home actually.

Glad you're back. Again.

It's like America's gotten

so small-minded and provincial.

Seriously, all the rad towns

I used to live in are dead.

I had to dip out.

I ghosted Williamsburg,

I ghosted Brooklyn, ghosted Omaha.

So I was selling chronic in Boulder

until that became legal

and then I was driving for Lyft in Austin

until that became illegal.

Aww, they outlawed Lyft and inlawed weed.

- An American tragedy.
- You're so comedy.

So I thought, why not come home

and let Mom enable me for a while?

Hey, it's kinda like the old days.

You at your computer doing nerdy things

and me actually living my life.

Hey, could you ghost
my room for just a sec?

I've got a meeting with George

that I need to prepare for.

Mmm, Mom said I should
be your new assistant.

It's not the worst idea, right?

Mom?

Wow, it's all green and stuff.

It's like we're in nature or something.

Hey, thanks for the
opportunity again, George.

Okay, listen, take it easy, all right?

Bring it-bring it down
a little bit, all right?

You're not a Lopez, but
here you represent me,

- George Lopez, okay?
- Actually, George,

I am a Lopez. I'm Hector Lopez.

You are? Okay, well, listen.

Probably let them know
you're not my kid, is one.

But don't do anything stupid

or say anything stupid, all right?

And work, but don't talk.

- Okay.
- All right.

Uh, what do I do with this?

I got it. You have money?

Uh, yeah. In your wallet.

♪♪

Could you hurry up?

I want to look good on my first day.

Who gives a rats? It's only a trial.

For you, this is just
something to pass the time

'til you ghost off to Eugene
and open up a hula-hoop shop.

Oregon? Gross. Too white.

Well, it doesn't matter where you go.

I'm only doing this for you
until you get on your feet

and you leave again.

This is my job and I
take it very seriously.

You're really only doing
this because Mom threatened

to kick you off the family phone plan.

It's my office, so I need the...

Okay, if you're gonna be my assistant,

I'm going to call you Tagine.

Your fake assistant?

Can you do an accent?

[Cockney accent] G'day, mate!

Could I get you a cup of coffee?

Maybe Coca-Cola? A latte?

Ow, was that Dothraki? Forget it.

- I tried.
- No, do your voice.

So, uh...

your Olly's sister?

And assistant.

- I'm Pfeiffer.
- Hi.

Can I get you a coffee, a water?

They really need a Stumptown around here.

Uh, no, I'm okay.

It's my house, so I'm fine.

[giggling] This job is so epic.

Um, should we start the meeting?

Pfeiffer, could you excuse us for a sec?

Whatever.

[groaning] Sorry, Mom made me hire her.

I work so hard just to get by,

and everything falls into her lap.

Jobs, dudes, most nights.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

Yeah, back to business.

Everything's moving along
very well with "The Valleys."

They love Coco, obviously.

They're talking to writers.

In the meantime, I'm going to scout

a YouTube show this weekend.

I think you should come.

Why? That's horrible.

Mmm, no doubt it will be.

But these performers have
millions of followers.

You could end up on one
of their live feeds and...

And be relevant. All right, I'll go.

[clearing throat]

Got Hector a job at the country club.

Trying to see if everything's all right.

He told me he'd text me.

How did you and I end
up taking care of people?

It's not like we're
these selfless altruists.

We're in show business, for God's sake.

- Maybe it's who we are.
- Yeah.

Wait, do you think you always
have to take care of me?

Why, do you think you always
have to take care of me?

♪♪

Ooh.

Yo, hold up. These are all for you?

[exhaling] I'm still
drunk from last night.

Why stop now? Woo-woo!

Hey, block me while I pound these.

Well, hurry up, I don't
want to get in trouble, man.

[exhaling] Trouble?

Aren't you the new
barback that was in lockup?

Yeah, I'm Hector.

Connor Hyundai, no relation to the cars.

But I am rich.
[playing siren sound effect]

How'd you know I was in jail?

I found out everything.

You were in jail and
still got a job here?

That's thug.

Well, look, man, George
Lopez is helping me out

and I really don't want to let him down.

I hear you, esé.
My dad got me this gig.

Did he give you that whole,
"fly straight, work hard,

- "make connections" spiel?
- Yeah.

Well, you made the numero uno
conexión at this place.

Nothing goes down without
me hearing about it, so...

- [phone vibrating]
- Oh! Break time.

- You got any weed?
- No!

You want some?

You sure this is okay?

You know who I lit up with
in this very spot yesterday?

The number-one realtor in the Valley.

He's gonna hire me to
DJ his Christmas party.

- Yeah...
- That's a good connect.

You bet your ass it
is. You stick with me,

you're gonna be crushing
it too in no time.

Country clubs are dope.

Yo, sharing is caring,
man. Puff, puff, pass.

Oh, yeah.

♪♪

Who's this guy?

Mmm, I told you. Hector. He's new.

What's up? I'm Bayleigh.

- She's lit, right, sis?
- Sis?

Oh, we say that instead of "bro."

It's more woke. My girl's lit.

Tell me she's lit.

She's your girl, dude. I mean, sis.

It's okay, sis. Say it.

- She's lit.
- She's lit?

- Hells yeah!
- [all laughing]

Hey, what's your tattoo?

Oh this? My whole squad
up in county has it.

- I inked it myself.
- This dude is cool.

- Let's keep him.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, okay.

Hey!

Where you been, dude? You
don't check your phone?

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, everything is so great.

I'm murdering it. This kid named Connor

is showing me all the ropes.

Oh, his dad's a bridge contractor.

The secret is to build
'em just good enough

so you have to rebuild
them again in ten years.

That's terrifying.

- [phone vibrating]
- Oh, it's break time.

Can't miss break time. Connor said

that's when all the deals go down.

Let me have that drink.

Ho-ho! What's crackin', hombre?

You don't mind if I sit, do you?

I do, but go ahead. That's cool.

- Thank you, pal.
- Uh, listen,

I'm working on my new television show.

It's kinda really relevant.

Edgy, cooler, younger audience.

- Ah, for Netflix?
- Yeah, you know, like that.

Uh, here's the thing
you probably don't know

about television shows, it takes 'em

a little while to get up and running.

The shows you do, sure.

When I'm selling on Great Value Network,

I could do seven days a week if I want.

There's a constant audience, buddy.

Okay, listen. I don't think you heard me

where I said younger, cooler audience.

Au contraire, Georgie.

Listen to me.

Since "Shark t*nk,"
everybody is into GVN.

Young people, old people,
middle-aged people,

hipsters, blipsters,
you name it, everybody.

What's a blipster?

Black hipsters.

I'm writing that down.

Wait a second. Georgie...

You should be selling something, man.

Yeah, but it's gotta be
really difficult to land on

the right product, though, right?

All you do is come up
with something people

think they're gonna use all the time,

but won't take up too much space

when they shove it in their closet.

Like the ThighMaster. That thing,

you could put that thing
in a glove compartment.

- Can fit anywhere.
- Now you're talkin', baby.

Huh? You talk, I type.

All right, let's see...

Now this won't be on the test,

but I think you need to know...

that I am a direct descendent
of Thomas Jefferson.

Mm-hmm. I have family from that area.

If you get a nickel, you'll be able

to see the resemblance.

Hey... Back off, homie.

Sorry, uh, what kind of
perfume are you wearing?

It's called chorizo,
no wonder you like it.

Uh, Manolo, eyes on your own paper

and the notes are right
here on the board, baby.

Sorry, Miss Wendy, it's too far away.

Wait a minute, man, you need glasses

and you've been driving
me this whole time?

Hey, man, what's wrong with you?

Dude, you just ran
through that stop sign.

Oh, I'm sorry, jefe.

Jefe, I need some
change for the toll.

Change for the toll?
We're under the bridge.

Why are we waiting here?

Stop sign.

That's for a yard sale.

Now it all makes sense.

I'm making you an eye
doctor's appointment.

And I'm driving us to
that YouTube showcase.

Man, I love my new job.

Thanks again so much.

So everything went fine? No problems?

Yeah, man, no problems.

Hey, do we have any LaCroix left?

Check the garage fridge.

Garage fridge? My life is badass.

You're doing a good thing for him, jefe.

You know, Manolo?

I wish there was more people like me.

I should take in more kids.

I got four empty rooms upstairs.

[woman on TV]
So what'd you do last night?

Did you end up going out with that guy?

[knocking on door]

What's up?

Uh, where's Connor?

I don't know.

How do you know where I live?

I followed you home.

Then I waited 'til your two dads left.

So you gonna let me in or what?

Uh, actually, um...

I'm not supposed to have anybody over.

And I'm grabbing to milk a cow.

And I'm grabbing, like,
the cow's breasts, say what?

- [crowd laughing]
- Udders?

I mean, I don't remember the
technical term for them...

Hey, Olly, so I've been talking to Jake

about getting some products together

to take over to GVN.

Great, perfect.

It's very important to
diversify these days.

Yeah, just to clarify,

is this guy purposely
trying not to be funny?

Who knows, who cares?
You know what I mean?

But you should try to get on his feed.

He's an engager.

I'd engage with that fine piece of ass.

He has nine-million followers.

Nine-million followers?

I gotta figure out a way
to get a piece of that.

Ooh, if you get one of your rants

on one of these feeds...

- [imitating expl*si*n blast]
- [crowd laughing]

How's it going with Pfeiffer?

Surprisingly, not awful.

She's really great with different brands

of coconut water, and she started

an Instagram account for my hats.

How's Hector's job going?

Surprisingly, not awful.

You know, he's making a
lot of connections at work.

You know what? Go Team Lopez.

[man] Hey, give it up.
Paul Logan, everybody,

with nine-million followers.

[all cheering]

Now this next guy coming to the stage

is a special guest with...

How many followers did you say you had?

Uh, , .

[chuckling]

Ladies and gentlemen, Maronzio Vance.

- [scattered clapping]
- 'Kay. That's okay.

Thank you for that warm welcome.

I don't wanna rant, but I have to.

Look, I saw a guy today with a man bun.

And I don't know what that was about.

But he had a man bun and he had on

a Pitbull: Live in Concert T-shirt...

[crowd chuckling]

...and he had on Crocs.

Then on top of that,

what made it even more offensive

is he was screaming "I'm on it"

- into a flip phone.
- [crowd laughing]

Who still has a flip phone?
Can we just talk about

how many ways this guy
is not "on it," people?

Numero uno, no
one should wear a man bun

unless you're a samurai warrior...

[all laughing]

Is that our network
executive right there?

Yes. Jason.

Not Jason. I mean, Jason.

But don't come over
here. No, that's cool.

Actually, it's fine. Play it cool.

I'll follow your lead.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

- Hi, hi, hi.
- Hi.

We'll talk after.

My name is Maronzio Vance.

M-A-R-O-N-Z-I-O Vance.

- Thank y'all very much.
- [crowd cheering]

Yeah, Maronzio. Yay, Maronzio!

We know him. [giggling]

You drink too much at
these industry things.

Mm-mmm, mmm.

Alcoholism is the only
fun thing in our family.

- Where'd your sister go?
- Huh?

Of course.

You know who else has
nine-million followers?

Her, in her pants.

- Can I just take that?
- Sure.

Yeah, you'll be all right.

So where we gonna do this?

Wow, no offense, but
you're Connor's girlfriend.

I told myself if you didn't want

to bump uglies, I wouldn't force it.

I'm not a perv, sis.

Whew, thank goodness.

So onto my second place.

I want a prison tat.

I brought the ink,

clean knitting needle,

at least I think it's clean.

I haven't done a tattoo in forever.

These will help.

Shrooms? Total ghetto.

But it'll make it all magical.

Like The Beatles.

- A'ight.
- Yeah.

I crushed it, George. Like, I crushed it.

I feel good. I didn't even take
the eight bucks for the set.

- How much was it?
- It was eight bucks.

So you're rolling in it, huh?

Look, man, I got new followers.

I mean, the message and
the medium have finally met.

Jefe, I saw this big light,

so I called Mami to come down.

Check out her new grill.

What's that right there?
It smells delicious.

I'll take two of those.

- Monies primero.
- [George] Seriously?

That's why they're building a wall.

It's that kind of attitude.

- [rain falling]
- Lluvia!

[speaking Spanish]

♪♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You
can't bring that in here.

- That's a fire hazard.
- [whimpering]

♪♪

What if somebody, like,

invented an indoor Mexican grill?

[FaceTime ringing]

[woman on TV] I just read
a book and cleaned my...

Oh, Connor. 'Sup, Connor?

Nah! Don't smile at me. Where is she?

She's gone, sis, chill. What's up?

Bayleigh texted a pic of
your hands on her ass.

I have no chill.

She wanted a tramp stamp, all right?

It goes above her ass.

Wait, you didn't like my work?

Nobody puts angel wings
above my girl's ass.

You think you're hard?
I'll show you hard.

[FaceTime hanging up]

Connor?

[people chattering]

Terrible.

You guys didn't hear anything?

What the hell's going on?

Well obviously, I've been vandalized.

Not to point any fingers,

but it's because of you-know-who.

You're literally pointing a finger.

- Who?
- Kn*fe Boy.

Hector.

I honestly don't think I'm
any more or less r*cist...

than the average white
person or black person,

but I'm certain that Hector and the...

element he attracts is in
some way responsible for this.

[clearing throat] Well, first of all,

there's no sliding scale of racism.

And secondly, how do you
even know Hector was involved?

This was a bit of a tip-off.

- Oh.
- Also, I have security-cam footage

of a kid about Hector's
age caught in the act.

You can't even make out who
that i... I'll pay for it.

And please get Hector to
come clean it up tomorrow.

I'll be around from : to : .

I'll make him lunch.

So Connor got the wrong place?

Seriously? You think this is funny?

Wait a minute, man. Are you high?

No, no.

I don't think Hector did anything wrong.

He refused to have sex
with Connor's girlfriend.

She asked for a tattoo
so he gave her one.

Thank you for that recap.

Listen, no more tattoos, okay?

And stay away from that dude Connor

and that girl whatever-her-name-is.

I will. And thanks, George.

You're welcome. Tomorrow I'll see

if I can get you
transferred from the club.

I'll talk to the manager, see
if he can put you in the...

probably greenskeepers,
those guys are all

from Guatemala, they don't speak English.

And I gotta keep you away from

that destructive Asian influence.

Here's what you do, you gas up the cars

and I want you to wash the dishes.

And don't say that maid's gonna do it

'cause she's already here
and I'm looking at her.

[man moaning]

What's your number?

[Pfeiffer] Find me on Insta.

[door opening, closing]

What the hell are you doing?

That is the exec for George's new show.

Uh, good morning.

No, what did you tell him?

Does he know I live at home?

Oh, you're gonna screw this up for me

like you do everything.

Easy, tiger, don't worry.

That dude never shuts up about himself.

He kept going on and
on about his marriage

even while we were doing it.

Ugh, he's married?

Not happily.

You're... so...

[groaning]

[Manolo] I like how that grill's
coming along, jefe.

Yeah, me too, Manolo. I'm psyched.

Ah, your glasses came in, eh?

Yeah, aren't they great?

Yo, sometimes they slip down,

but you can push them
right back up again.

Oh... that's quite a day for you.

♪♪

[George] Hector?

Oh, not Amir's wife!

♪♪

Next time, on Lopez:

Your sister's having sex with
Jason, our network executive?

- That can't be good.
- Or could it be very good?

Baxter Levy is a great writer.

I want "Valleys" to make some noise.

I think we'll take this
project to the next level.

I wanna be honest with you,

I hate everything you've done.

Totally.

But you don't have still
the grill to work on.

This is the best shopping network on TV.

They've been really
excited by your grill.

- Who's my calls?
- Him.

Me?

Him?