01x07 - The Amazing Racists

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, there you go, Phil.
- And there you go, Art.

That baseball is a real
piece of Chicago Cubs history.

It's so weird the Cubs
are so good now, huh?

Thank God for the Bull, the Bears

and Rahm Emanuel, hmm?

Morning.

Hey, Tush, remember Phil?

His cousin owns this, uh,
sports memorabilia shop.

Look what he got me. Mm?

The very ball that Ernie Banks
hit for his nd home run.

Sweet.

Hey, does your cousin
sell any WNBA swag?

I cannot get enough of those lanky gals.

(Laughing)

Last week, at the supermarket,

I saw one of them bite into a
pumpkin like it was an apple.

(Laughing)

I'll keep my eyes open.

See ya later, Arthur.

So, you gonna put that in your shrine?

Yep. Right up alongside
my Ron Santo bobblehead

and my jar of Chicago
Blackhawks knocked out teeth.

(Laughing)

Hey, Franco, you're minutes late.

I had to stock all the
bottom shelves myself.

You know I'm rolling the dice
every time I have to bend down.

Oh? Oh, yeah? I'm sorry
you had a tough morning.

Mine was just swell.

I got off the "L" train,
this cop stopped me,

threw me up against the
fence and frisked me.

- That's messed up.
- Mm-hmm.

Wait, was it a lady cop?

- No.
- That's messed up.

(Laughing)

They can't do that.
That's racial profiling.

Yeah, that's terrible.

Hey, by the way, you're not
doing yourself any favors

by walking around in that hoodie.

You saying this is my fault?

No, I'm just saying
that it makes you look

a little bit more, you
know, uh, suspicious.

Suspic... Dude, it's got a
cartoon dragon on the back.

And this isn't about my hoodie.

I got stop-and-frisked
'cause I'm black.

Man, the cops in this
city are out of control.

All right, hang on.

I'm sorry that happened to you,

but I am tired of people
blaming us for everything.

Look, it's a w*r zone out there,

and some cops are leaning
on the stop-and-frisk,

but that's just 'cause we're
trying to keep people safe.

So what, you two have no problem
with this cop stopping me?

We weren't there.

We don't know what
the circumstances were.

Did you get the cop's name?

I think it was Officer Li.

I know Li. He's a good cop.

Last week, he totally had
my back on a drug bust.

He cuffed four methheads,
and those dudes are wiggly.

(Laughing)

Well, it's-it's not just
cops. I took a psych class,

and we learned that lots
of people make decisions

based on race without being aware of it.

It's called unconscious bias.

Oh, how refreshing.

How has society disappointed you today?

Well, since you asked, lots
of people don't realize...

Honey, it was a joke.
I really don't care.

(Laughing)

See? Sexism.

Exactly what I'm talking about.

And while most of us don't flaunt
our ignorances like Fawz...

Thanks, baby.

... we all carry these
unconscious biases.

She's right. Every time
I see a white person,

I automatically think they
know where a dog park is.

And it turns out, they do.

I don't know, Maya.

I'm sure some people
are biased like that,

but not the people in here.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Okay. I'm just gonna use this app

to call it out whenever I hear it.

Yeah, well, you won't hear it from me.

I don't see color. I hired
a black kid, didn't I?

(App buzzes)

Oh, well, that's not gonna be annoying.

Trust me, there was nothing unconscious

about this cop's bias.

And, of course, I couldn't
talk back, or I'd be

calling one of y'all to save my skin.

Oop, did someone say
skin? (Clears throat)

Let me tell you about my latest gig.

I'm selling this line of high-end,

organic skin care products.

Well, that's a smooth segue.

Speaking of smooth...

I could offer you guys a
lifetime of soft, supple,

smooth skin.

Randy, you look...

Don't you dare.

Look, instead of complaining,

why don't we do something
to try to fix it?

We could have a
community outreach night.

And what's that?

Oh, it's a way for
people in the neighborhood

to get to know their b*at
cops, air their grievances.

Hey, we can have it right here.

Did somebody say "clogged pores"?

This detoxifying clay mask

is good for all skin types and colors:

white, black... you.

(Laughing)

(App buzzes)

You know, an outreach
meeting might be dope.

You know, I can tell that cop

I have as much right to
walk the streets as he does.

Yeah. Show him you're
one of the good ones.

(App buzzes)

Maya, may I please see that phone?

(Buzzes repeatedly)

That should cover me for the day.

(Laughing)

♪

♪

Ah, man, I thought
there'd be lemon bars.

Why?

White people always bring
lemon bars to meetings.

(App buzzes)

(Laughing)

These aren't lemon bars,
they're lemon squares.

Oh.

I see you invited Malcolm,

your new best friend from the building.

Oh, come on, Sweatpants.

We hung out that one time.

And he can watch a basketball
game without talking.

I get emotional.

(Laughing)

You used to like that.

- What's up, Mally-Mal?
- Yeah.

Yo, Arthur, meet my friend, Malcolm.

Nice to meet you, Malcolm.

Whoa!

You got some cool sports stuff.

Yeah, you interested in baseball?

Hell yeah.

Well, then you'd be interested
in this little bad boy,

signed by Mr. Ernie Banks himself.

Nice. You're an old-school Cubs fan.

Yeah. I had this bet with this buddy of
mine

that I'd get a Cubs tattoo on my butt

if they ever won the
World Series. (Chuckles)

Luckily, he d*ed after Game .

(Laughs)

Yo, Malcolm, thanks for coming, dawg.

Got to let these cops know

that we're all a part of this community.

Hey, I'm just here for the lemon bars.

They're squares.

Hey, Arthur, thanks for hosting.

Ah, damn.

ARTHUR: What?

That's the cop that
stop-and-frisked me.

- ARTHUR: That's Officer Li?
- FRANCO: Mm-hmm.

How could he be r*cist?

(App buzzes)

Making assumptions based
on race... that's bias.

No, no, no.

I was just saying, he's Oriental.

- Oh.
- (App buzzes)

You think that's bad... (Chuckles)

you wouldn't believe the names
my grandpa used to come up with.

Ooh, ooh, I can guess.

- Oh, no...
- No.

Hey, it's my man from the "L" train.

Hey. I'm surprised you recognize me

without my face smashed
up against the fence.

Sorry, brother. Thought
you were somebody else.

DeLuca.

Li.

He called me "brother,"
man. That's r*cist.

No, he's not a r*cist.

He's just one of those frat guys,

- likes to give people nicknames.
- Mm.

He calls me "Hot Mama."

That's sexist.

Not when it's true.

(Laughing)

All right, everybody.

Glad that you're here.

Welcome to the Uptown outreach meeting.

My name is Officer DeLuca,
and I will be facilitating.

So who'd like to go first?

Uh!

I just want to thank all you
hardworking police officers.

You put your lives
on the line every day,

as well as your skin.

That's why I'm offering
a ten percent discount

on all face creams.

While you're locking up
criminals, it locks in moisture.

Sit down, Tush.

Yes, ma'am.

Free samples out back.

Franco, I know you had
something you wanted to say.

Absolutely.

Hi, I'm Franco.

Hi, Franco.

It's not that kind of meeting.

One day at a time, Gladys! You got this!

So, I've lived in this
neighborhood my entire life.

I've never been a thr*at
to anybody, you know?

But sometimes, I get cold.

So this is what cold Franco looks like.

Regular Franco.

Cold Franco.

Regular Franco.

And, you know, sometimes
I like to exercise,

so if you see me running,

doesn't mean I committed a crime.

Just means I like to jog.

Cold Franco jogging.

(Laughing)

Regular Franco jogging.

Thank you.

And my name is Sweatpants.

Ironically, I do not exercise.

So, if I'm running,

I'm definitely running from something.

And maybe you should be running, too.

♪

I thought that meeting went very well.

Yeah, I loved how people felt

they could be open and honest, you know?

Maybe a little too honest,

like that lady that called
me "black Bart Simpson."

(Laughing)

Wait a minute, where's my baseball?

I don't know. Maybe you put it
in the back or something.

No.

It's got to be around here
somewhere. Hey, hey, guys.

Help us look for this ball.

- All right.
- Sure.

Maybe it rolled under
the counter or something.

It can't roll anywhere;
it was in a square box.

I think someone stole that baseball.

How? This place was full of cops.

It was also full of
donuts... They got distracted.

(Laughing)

Who do you think could have taken it?

I don't know. It was
someone who was admiring it,

someone who was in this general area,

someone who could reach the top shelf

on his tippy-toes.

You talking about Malcolm?

Malcolm, huh?

Franco's got something there.

Man, why you accusing my friend?

It could've been anybody.

It could've been Fawz.

Please.

If I wanted one of your treasures,

it would not be a stupid baseball.

I would take your bobblehead. (Chuckles)

His head is too big for
his body. It's like...

Look, all I'm saying,

he was very interested in that baseball,

which makes him a most likely suspect.

So, with no evidence, you
just decided it's Malcolm.

The one young black guy you didn't know.

You think this is about race?

What else could it be about?

Man, you're no better than Officer Li.

Wow. I wonder how long
this has been here.

It's one of those pens
when you turn it upside down

the lady gets naked.

I'm gonna guess this one is from...

yep, the ' s.

♪

So, uh, how much was
that baseball worth?

I paid $ .

You had $ to blow,

and you couldn't buy
one jar of my creams?

(Laughing)

Look in the mirror, man.

You're handsome, but
you could be beautiful.

ARTHUR: There he is.

Hey, you're right on time today.

Oh, well, you'd be surprised
how fast your commute can be

when your civil rights
aren't being violated.

(Laughing)

You filing a police report?

Yeah, but then we're gonna
hand it over to Officer Li.

He's handling this?

Look, I know you had a bad experience,

but he is not a bad cop.

But why can't you two do it?

Well, because we have to
go to a sexual harassment

seminar this afternoon.

(Sighs) It was a misunderstanding.

I said he had a night stick.

Not a nice...

They get it!

Are you pointing the fingers at
any one suspect in particular?

Oh, I'm not pointing any fingers.

They did ask me if I thought

I might have known who did it,
so I just shared my suspicions.

Well, didn't you hear Randy?

Officer Li's in charge of this now,

and if he goes to question Malcolm,

he ain't leaving till he finds
something to arrest him for,

whether he did it or not.

I'm just presenting the facts.

It's up to the police
to sort it all out.

Great, if you trust the cops
that's doing the sorting.

My, my, so emotional.

(Chuckles)

Like a girl.

Where's my phone?

I'm sorry, that was wrong.

I should've said like a person

who earns less than a man,

but that's because she will quit
when she's married and pregnant.

Oh! Where is it?!

(Quietly): This is too good.

She will never accuse
a brown guy of stealing.

What's wrong, Maya?

You're sweating like an Italian.

(Laughs)

(Laughing)

Why is Franco so upset?

I'll-I'll go check on him.

I mean, I wasn't doing
anything wrong, was I?

I just wanted my ball back.

What are the chances you'll find it?

Well, once we solve all the murders,

get dr*gs off the street,
and negotiate a g*ng truce,

your missing baseball
will be our top priority.

So if I m*rder someone, I'll move up?

Yo, James, let me ask you something.

Sure.

But I need you not
to be a cop right now.

Just be a regular dude.

So take off the hat.

Uh, okay, but I'm warning
you, after I take it off,

we only have, like, a
minute before someone sees

the three of us sitting
out here and calls it in.

So, how can you be a black
man in the city and a cop?

(Sighs)

Look, Franco, I get it, okay?

Before I was a cop,

I was stopped and frisked all the time.

It pissed me off.

That's why I joined the force.

Thought I could change
things from within.

And I get to show people that black men

are not just criminals or athletes.

Or criminal athletes.

And-and I respect that. I really do.

I just don't understand how you
can work alongside cops like Li.

What do you guys want me to do?

I'm a rookie. I can't make waves.

OFFICER (Over radio): We have
a report of three black males

congregating in front
of Superior Donuts.

I'm one of them.

Well, you know what?

Maybe you can't do anything, but I can.

I'm gonna go warn Malcolm
that Officer Not-So-Friendly

might be paying him a visit.

I remember when Franco used to warn me

the cops were on my tail.

Seems like a lifetime ago.

(Laughing)

Just go two blocks
down and make a right.

Best dog park in the city.

Thank you, ma'am. I'll
be sure to check it out.

- Yo, Malcolm.
- Oh, Franco.

Yeah, I can't really talk right now.

Well, just real quick,
real quick, all right?

So, listen, someone stole my
boss's baseball. All right?

And he told the police
that you might've done it.

- (Laughs)
- All right, so, just...

heads up, this guy
named Officer Li might be

rolling through to see you.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Thanks for the warning, man.

Anything for a friend.

Whoa.

Is that a baseball in your pocket?

N-No. It's a small grapefruit.

Big kiwi?

Dude, why would you lie to me?

I defended you.

By the way, I'm missing
my latest edition

of Blackhair Magazine.

Don't let me find out you stole it.

(Laughing)

♪

I can't believe Malcolm did that.

And the worst part is, now I
got to tell Arthur he was right.

Tell him the fat guy in the vest did it.

What fat guy in a vest?

Exactly.

What's going on, brothers?

What did we do this time?

You're loitering in a high-crime area.

We're just walking.

In front of a boulangerie.

Whatever the hell that is.

Oh, it's a bakery that sells croissants

and these delightful
little sandwiches...

Shut up, Sweatpants.

Look, I have the right to make sure

you're not doing anything illegal.

Now, come on. You know the drill.

(Both groan)

Ah, man.

Okay, look, before you frisk
me, I got something to show...

Hey! Don't put your hand in your pocket.

Yeah, man, even I know that.

Uh, excuse him, Officer.

He's been hanging around
a lot of white people.

Ernie Banks.

You know, I just got a
call that this was stolen

from that donut shop.

Isn't that where you work?

Well, yeah, I was trying to tell you.

I-I didn't take it...

Oh, who did?

I can't tell you that.

(Chuckles)

So, you work in the shop,

the stolen ball is in your possession,

but you expect me to believe
some mystery person stole it?

That does sound pretty sketchy.

This thing must be pretty valuable, huh?

Way I see it, you got two choices here.

Option A, I take you two down
to the station and book you.

Option B, you go your way,
me and Mr. Banks go ours.

I don't mean to speak out of turn,

but I'm going hard "B" on this one.

But you can't do that.

Who are they gonna believe?

An officer of the law or the
guy who stole from his boss?

Stay out of trouble, playa.

- I'm not your brother!
- He said "playa"

Oh. I'm not your... He's gone.

Well, I'm out of the skin care business.

What happened to your face?

Turns out the Moroccan skin oil

was really just medical waste runoff

from a facility in Gary, Indiana.

It's okay. Urgent care
says I'm out of the woods.

Randy, James.

Guess who I just ran into.

Your little frat buddy, Officer Li.

He just frisked me, again.

- Are you kidding me?
- Yeah.

And I found Arthur's ball.

- Y-You found my ball?
- FRANCO: Yeah.

Only Li took it from me.

He said I couldn't report it

'cause nobody'd believe me over him.

Ugh. Well, let's get
to the bottom of this.

Officer Li, this is Officer DeLuca.

Requesting assistance
at Superior Donuts.

So, wait-wait, where
did you find my ball?

Man...

Malcolm stole your ball, man.

Ah! So I was right.

See, I'm not a r*cist.

You got a button on your phone for that?

No. You just so happened to be right.

That doesn't mean you weren't prejudiced

to suspect him in the first place.

Yeah, well, you were prejudiced
to assume that I was r*cist.

That's bias.

This is all very confusing.

I can't... I can't keep track of it.

I-I wish I had a blackboard.

I mean a whiteboard. No.

I mean some colored markers.

Oh, geez, I'm falling apart over here.

Yeah, well, you were so
quick to call me r*cist.

Now, that wasn't right.

How do you think I felt
when I told you I got frisked

and you blamed me for wearing a hoodie?

You have no idea what
I deal with out there.

All right. I get it.

- No, you don't.
- I get it.

You don't get it.

Arthur, have you ever had
the talk with your dad?

Which talk?

Birds and the bees or
shiksas are for practice?

Nah. The talk when
you're eight years old,

and your dad sits you down to tell you,

"Hey, cops are there to stop bad guys,

"but sometimes 'cause you're black,

"they're gonna assume
you're the bad guy.

"Or if you're hanging out
with your white friends,

"and they're messing up,
to get the hell out of there

"'cause they might get a night in jail,

but you'll get a lot worse."

Hey, DeLuca, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

If you ever mess with that kid again,

that is the last thing you
will do in that uniform.

Yeah, you're the kind of jackass

that makes every Chicago cop look bad.

Whoa.

I was recovering his stolen property.

I just wanted to take
it down to the station

to get a photograph for the case file.

All right? Here you go, sir.

Hey, don't "sir" me.

Yeah, you better watch your step,

or I'm gonna have a
conversation with your superior

the next time he comes in here

for his usual strawberry-frosted.

(Laughing)

That was really tough,

right up until you got
to strawberry-frosted.

Thanks for having my back. Thank you.

Appreciate that.

And I-I didn't mean
to call you a r*cist.

Well, I suppose I did suspect
Malcolm because he was black.

And I might've sided
with Li 'cause he's a cop.

And I shouldn't have made that comment

about those lanky gals in the WNBA.

Oh, come on, this unconscious bias stuff

is just getting us all twisted up.

Now, Maya you started this.

How can we get past it?

Oh. Um...

well... (Clears throat)
here's the thing.

I missed the last week of that class.

I was... I was dating
the T.A., and we broke up,

and it was super awkward.

He had a hard time expressing
himself emotionally,

and I had a hard time...

OTHERS: Maya!

Sorry. Um...

but if I had to guess,
I would say that the fact

that we're talking about these
issues is a good first step

towards understanding the
differences that divide us?

- I'll go for that.
- Okay.

- Sounds right.
- Yeah.

Finally.

You know, I'm actually
glad this happened,

because I think I learned a lot today.

Yeah, I think we all did.

All right. Bring it in.

(Both chuckle)

(Scoffs) Gay.

Come on!