01x11 - Wage Against the Machine

[bunniefuu]

Superior Donuts S E

Well, I'm off.

Arthur, put that on my tab, will you?

Oh, you out of money again?

No, I've just got it
taped to my stomach.

What?

Yeah, last week I was pickpocketed,

and I don't want it to happen again.

But if you insist.

(loud rip, Tush grunts)

Well, actually, it's $ . .

I think I've got some change.

(grunts)

I hope this is a quarter, not a nipple.

No, no, no, stop, stop.

We'll call it even.

- Bless you.
- Eh.

- Hello.
- 'Sup?

Randy, my dear friend, you accidentally

left that ticket on my Mercedes.

Uh, you were parked in a loading zone.

That's because I was
loading my mouth with fro-yo.

Sorry, Fawz, the law's the law.

Why don't you just park in the alley?

That spot's always open.

No, no, that's my spot.

I'm gonna park my motorcycle there

when I finally get one.

Then we can park the hearse there

after you go for your first ride.

Well, I will fight this in court!

Well, that'll cost you more.

Then I will pay this today!

Hey, Randy, you let people park

in that loading zone all the time.

Yeah, well, not this week.

They're having a contest
down at the station

to see who can write the most tickets,

and the pot is up to bucks.

- Whoa.
- You remember,

I got that kid going to Northwestern.

bucks? That'll pay for
at least minutes of class.

- (Skype ringtone plays)
- NADINE: Hey, baby.

Hey, Honeybutt.

How's the conference going?

Hey, Franco, what'd I tell you
about video telephoning at work?

I-I don't remember,
'cause I started laughing

as soon as you said "video telephoning."

Well, say good-bye to Honeybutt

and go get a fresh batch of fritters.

Fine. All right.

Well, I guess I'll see you later?

Oh, no, no, this is fine.

I can talk to you and do
my job at the same time.

- It's called multitasking.
- (Nadine laughs)

Well, if that's true, tell me something.

Can you see my bra through this shirt?

No.

What about now?

Oh, damn! Oh, damn!

- Damn! Damn!
- (grease hissing)

What happened in here?

My computer.

This.

Oh... no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You can use my typewriter
anytime you want.

Brand-new ribbon.

♪

Damn. It's definitely broken.

They said it would cost more
to fix than to buy a new one.

- That sucks.
- I know.

We've been through so much together.

Got me through high school,
gave me my first e-mail address,

saw me through my Asian girl phase,

my big-butt phase,

my big-butt Asian girl phase.

Who knows where you
would have taken me next?

Long-haul lady truckers.

Man, I was gonna apply to
art school with that computer.

Where am I gonna get the money?

How much you got in
your savings account?

About grand, but I'm
saving up for a yacht.

Well, that doesn't seem like a...

I don't have a savings account,

all right?

They charge $

every time your balance goes below $ .

And right now my balance is...

nine.

You really should save some money.

How? I make minimum wage.

You know, minimum wage
is not a livable wage.

And I know that from experience,

because I chanted it at a Bernie rally.

Listen, Frank, I wish I could
pay you more than minimum wage,

but, uh, I afraid
that's all I can afford.

Dude, I'm not asking
for a raise, all right?

I just, uh... I guess I
got to find a second job.

But lucky for you, I've got more gigs

coming in than I can handle.

How do you feel about
digging pet graves?

Franco, I'm looking to hire

a part-time assistant to work nights.

What kind of pets we talking about?

No, come on, you don't need another job.

All you need to do is learn
to live on what you make.

You got a budget?

Yeah, I keep it down
in my condo in Florida.

No, I don't have a budget.

I'm . My budget is
breakfast, lunch or dinner.

I'm gonna make one up
for you. You'll see.

If you're smart with your money, you can

definitely support
yourself on minimum wage.

Mm-hmm.

All right, but if you change your mind,

I have to bury a zoo bear tonight.

Definitely a two-man operation.

Damn this city.

What's wrong?

Nobody's breaking the law.

How am I supposed to win this contest

if I can't write any tickets?

Ah, look at this guy.

He just parked legally, fed the meter.

Now he's feeding someone else's meter.

What a little bitch.

Here, let's see.

Actually, I see three violations.

Where?

Well, there's unlawful
obstruction of a gas meter,

consumption of food or drink on a bus,

and improper number
of riders on a bicycle.

Wow.

Did you memorize every
single code in the book?

(laughing): Of course.

You-you... you didn't?

No. I'm attractive, and people like me.

Now come on. I got money to win.

Hey, kid, all done with your budget.

And you'll be happy to know I
found a way to make it all work.

All right, cool.

Wait. $ a week for food?

- That's pretty high, huh?
- Uh...

How am I gonna eat on $ ?!

Well, just do what I do.

Every weekend, I fry up
two pounds of ground beef.

Sunday is Taco Night.

Monday, it's Sloppy Joes.

Tuesday, it's spaghetti. (laughs)

Wednesday, it's Fiesta Night!

Wait. Wait. Isn't that
just Taco Night again?

Sí, señor.

Damn it! Randy just wrote me a ticket

for giving my wife a ride on my bicycle!

Look, Arthur, look, I appreciate

you making this budget,
man, but, uh, I'm young.

I want to have fun
every once in a while.

Yeah, well, sometimes
you have to make choices.

Besides, there's fun in there.

You get to fry up
ground beef all weekend.

Fawz, look, are you still
looking for a new assistant?

'Cause I can

start there as soon as I'm
done with my shift over here.

Great.

No, wait. Wait a minute. Are you crazy?

You can't work for Fawz.
You know what he is.

Yeah, he's a greedy, ruthless capitalist

who would bleed people
dry to make a buck.

Maya, stop!

I'm blushing.

Hey, believe me, kid.
Uh-uh, don't do that.

- Oh, you're offering me a raise?
- No...

Then don't tell me I
can't take a second job.

Right now Fawz is my only choice.

So, hey, when can I start?

Hey, come by the dry cleaners
when you're done here.

- We can discuss the terms.
- All right.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go fire my current assistant.

Hey, Francisco, you're fired!

Right after you drive me to lunch.

Oh, this is gonna be a long ride.

I should've thought this through.

♪

Welcome to Fawz headquarters.

Oh, this is pretty disappointing, man.

I thought your office
would be underground

and filled with evil
henchman and crocodiles.

I know it doesn't look like much,

but first rule of business:
keep your overhead low.

Besides, it has everything I need...

a phone, a desk, and it's quiet.

(rattling)

- You get used to it!
- What?!

You get used to it!

Yo, thanks for the opportunity, dude.

Franco, I came to America

with three dollars and this eagle.

And I built all this from nothing.

And because I came from nothing,
I'm very good to my employees.

- Have a seat.
- Cool.

Would you like some tea?

Yeah, sure.

(speaking Arabic)

(speaking Arabic)

(Fawz speaking Arabic)

My Mother-in-law.

All right, cool, man.

Um, so what would I have to do?

Well, at first, you can drive me around,

maybe run some errands.

But the more you learn, the
more I'll give you to do.

You'll be my right-hand man.

Word? All right, okay.

So, what about the pay?

Ah. (laughs)

Open for negotiation.

Tell me...

what does Arthur pay you?

- $ . an hour.
- (imitates buzzer)

First lesson... never
reveal your current salary.

Now I could offer you
$ . , and you'd take it.

- I'll take it.
- (imitates buzzer)

Now you counter-offer,
but when you do, go high.

$ an hour.

(laughs)

Opening with a joke.

Very good.

All right, $ .

(imitates buzzer)

I never responded!

Never negotiate against yourself.

And always be willing
to walk away, like so.

Fawz? Fawz, is that a yes?

That's a no!

Always keep them on their toes.

$ , my final offer.

- $ . .
- Done.

- All right.
- And one more thing.

Mm-hmm. - You're gonna work
for me, you have to wear a suit.

We run a classy operation here.

Man, I ain't got money to buy a suit.

Not a problem. What
are you... a short?

Mm-hmm.

- There you go.
- All right.

Won't they need this back?

Uh... not until Thursday.

Randy, you are so
gonna win this contest.

I just gave a guy a
ticket for loitering.

He threw it on the ground.
I gave him one for littering.

Wow. You are on fire.

Get back out there and b*at your record.

Okay. Well, wait a minute.

Why aren't you out there?

'Cause you're doing such a great job.

You know, if I'm gonna do all the work,

maybe I'll just enter
the contest myself.

Oh, no, you can't do
that. We're partners.

Yeah? Well, you weren't
gonna share the money with me.

Well, what do you need money for?

Your next trip to Comic-Con?

Or, uh, Star Trek-Con?

Or Virgin-Con?

Oh, I'm just kidding.

They're all virgin-cons.

Well, good luck, okay?

Because no one knows their way
around the penal code like I do.

I'm the penal master. The penal...

Stop saying "penal."

Until I can get my body cam on. Go.

- What's up, y'all?
- ARTHUR: Oh!

You survived your first
night with Fawz, huh?

I want all the gory details.

Uh, don't, don't start.

Not until I get a cup of coffee.

God, I wish I still smoked.

Hit me.

(laughs) Actually, it
was pretty interesting.

Fawz is teaching me so much.

Well, that was a waste.

Are we talking about the same Fawz?

r*cist, misogynist, sexy?

Uh, I think you mean "sexist"?

I really need to get laid.

I'm telling y'all, Fawz
is a smart businessman.

He actually taught me to
negotiate my own salary.

Now I'm making $ . an hour.

Wow, Franco, that's great.

How is he able to pay you all that?

Well, he's always thinking
of ways to cut costs

so we can bring in more money.

You know, you should talk to him, man.

He could give you some advice

and help you make this
place more efficient.

Good morning, my protégé.

Or should I say, brotégé. (chuckles)

I brought you a suit for tonight.

Mr. Yakamora is on a cruise,

so you can hold onto this
one for eight more days.

Domo.

Arigato.

(laughs) Hey, look.

Fawz says you have to
dress for the job you want.

And apparently I want to be
a tiny Japanese businessman.

Well, if Fawz says so, it must be true.

Sayonara.

Maybe it's a bald thing.

(clears throat)

Nope, definitely not a bald thing.

♪

Hey, Tush, what you doing?

I'm rehearsing for my TED Talk.

You're doing a TED Talk?

Not the fancy kind.

This woman pays me to
talk to her husband, Ted.

He's depressed, I tell
him stories about my life,

and for some reason, it cheers him up.

Arthur, I need to borrow
Franco for a meeting.

I hope that's okay.

Wait, who are we meeting?

The president of Fast Lube.

Oh, that's a big company.

Yeah. If I can get my hand
on those greasy jumpsuits,

my bank account will be
fatter than Mahira Moghadam.

(laughs)

She's like the Precious of Iraq.

Oh.

Yo, Arthur, is that cool?

No, it's not cool. We don't
close for another minutes.

Man, come on, Arthur, there's,
like, three people here.

It doesn't matter,
you're still on the clock.

Well, I'll come in early
tomorrow, all right?

You heard Fawz, this is a big meeting,

and he needs me.

Wait a minute, you're just gonna leave?

Well, Arthur, you said it yourself, man,

sometimes you got to make choices.

Come on, after the
meeting, we'll drink tea

and play Guess That Stain.

(groans)

Arthur.

What is going on?

Last week you let him leave early

'cause he wanted to watch a marathon

of Different Strokes.

Look, I'm his boss. He
shouldn't talk to me that way.

Uh-huh. Is it that?

Or might you be just a little jealous

because he's cheating on you

with another older business owner?

Now you're just being crazy.

You know, it's okay to admit

you want to be the guy
that Franco looks up to.

Oh, come on.

He doesn't look up to Fawz.

He's just blinded by the money.

Money he really needs.

Yeah, I know.

Arthur, you've been doing
the same thing around here

for years.

Maybe it's time to
look at your own budget.

Try to find a way to
give Franco a raise.

You mean I have to get
rid of Fiesta Wednesdays?

Aw, Dios mío.

I'm talking about the shop.

There's got to be ways to
cut some corners around here.

Excellent choice.

You sure?

This ain't too Ben Carson?

Can anything be too Ben Carson?

Franco, you have been doing
a great job around here.

So great that I would like
to give you a promotion.

Yeah?

How does vice president
of operations sound?

Get the... yo! (laughs)

Sounds like the president of operations

better watch his back.

That's me.

Oh.

Well, you know what, man?

I, thank you, man, this is dope as hell.

Well, listen, Fawz
Al-Shahrani is a big believer

in diversity and inclusion.

And you can quote me on that.

- Okay.
- Oh, here they are.

Go ahead, quote me on
that. (clears throat)

Hey, Fawz.

Franco Wicks, meet Marcus
Brooks, the president

of Fast Lube, and his associates.

Nice to meet you, Franco.

Yeah.

That's it?

I thought that handshake
would have more steps.

Uh, d... uh...

Excuse us.

Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah.

- Yeah?
- What? Okay.

This is why you hired me? Huh?

(mechanical whirring)

(arguing indistinctly)

Because you're all black!

Is a great color on you, wow.

Slimming. (chuckles)

Where have you been?

Out kicking your ass.

I just wrote tickets in three hours.

I stood outside Wrigley Field

and picked off the public urinators

one by one.

Who's the penal expert now?

(chuckles)

Damn.

Yep, and that contest
ends in five minutes.

I got a three-ticket lead.

Sorry, nerd.

Cool kids win again.

Morning.

ARTHUR: Morning.

How was the meeting?

Did you learn a lot?

You could say that.

Hey, you guys are out of paper
towels in the ladies' room.

- I got it.
- No, no. Uh...

Uh, we're not doing that anymore.

It's too expensive.

What?

Did you see the bath
towel I put in there?

Oh. So that's a communal towel,

that's as clean as the
dirtiest person who used it.

You know what, I'll just air-dry.

All right, Arthur.

I'm here to settle my tab.

Here's some change,

separated by denomination
and country of origin.

Should be about twenty
bucks, based on exchange rates

and a possible coup in Venezuela.

And there's bucks left on
this Circuit City gift card.

They went out of
business five years ago.

You could've just said no.

Arthur, what are you doing?

Just asked Tush to pay up his tab.

Why you doing that?

Just a little belt-tightening
around here, that's all.

Yeah, Arthur's trying
to cut back a little

so he can give you a raise.

Right. I realize you can't
live on ground beef alone.

Okay, thank you, but I don't
want you changing this place.

You don't?

What about all that stuff
you learned from Fawz

about how to be a good businessman?

(scoffs) Turns out
Fawz was just using me

so he can bring in
more "urban clientele."

You know what I really learned from Fawz

is that that dude would
do anything for money.

And I like that you won't.

I mean, having Tush run his tab here

is what makes Superior
Donuts what it is.

And you can't put a
price on personal hygiene.

I don't like it any more than you do.

So that's a yes on the tab? Great.

I just don't want you

- working for Fawz, that's all.
- Dude, I... Trust me,

I would love to quit.

But right now I need the extra money.

Unbelievable.

My car was parked legally,

and you still give me three tickets?

No, I didn't.

I did.

And we're officially tied.

Unlawfully tinted windows.

No front plate.

Oversized rims.

Mark my words, you will
live to regret this.

And threatening a police officer.

That is nerds FTW,

which means "nerds for the win"

Which you would know
if you weren't so cool.

Damn.

I still got two minutes
before the contest ends.

Hey! You must be doing meth.

Nobody's that skinny in Chicago.

Hey, Fawz.

Maybe I can help you.

How'd you like to park your
car in my space in the alley?

That would be amazing.

Thank you, Arthur.

No, I-I don't mean for free.

I mean, um, maybe I
could rent it to you.

Yeah, um...

Fawz, how much are you spending
a month on parking tickets?

Uh, $ .

(imitates buzzer, chuckles)

Now I can charge you
$ , and you'd take it.

I'll take it.

(imitates buzzer) $ .

Are you crazy?

- Oh, well, I guess I'll just walk away.
- Yep.

You know, Shelly's
Nails has been begging me

- to rent that space.
- Oh, really? Shelly?

- Shelly would love the spot.
- Yeah.

Okay, okay. $ .

BOTH: Deal.

Well, Franco, you just got a raise.

$ a month.

Thank you, Arthur. You're quite welcome.

All right. And, Fawz,

with all due respect,

kiss my black ass. I quit.

I am so mad at you right now!

But also proud.

Of how you screwed me over!

Which was masterful.

But I will get my revenge!

Okay, bye.

♪

There you are. I can see
those big, beautiful eyes

on my new computer. Can you see me?

I can see you fine.

Hey, yo, thanks for the raise, dude.

This new laptop is
better than my first one.

Well, I'm happy to do it.

This Skyping is amazing.

I know, right?

Hey, hold the phone up, man.

I'm getting nothing but your nose hair.

(groans) Randy, am I walking funny?

Because my pocket's
feeling about $ heavier.

Go on, have at it.

- You won.
- Yeah.

Actually, you'll be happy to know

that I'm giving half my
winnings to a good cause:

your daughter's college fund.

Oh, James.

You don't have to do that.

Well, like you said.

We're partners.

But I was so mean to you all week.

I feel terrible.

Then it was all worth it.