02x03 - The Tub

[bunniefuu]

[Door Closes]

- Oh, hey.
- [Chuckles]

- Thank you.
- I was...

Okay.

So, how far along are you?

/ months.

- Oh. I love babies.
- Mm.

Never wanted to have more?

Oh, yeah, of course I did.

Why didn't you?

Lots of reasons.

'Cause they're awful?

Babe, I really don't want
to go to this party.

Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

It's one flight up.

We'll go up, have some drinks,
make some chitchat,

come home, order pizza,

and... you know what.

Or we can reverse that order.

- Why?
- What?

- Why now?
- What do you mean "Why now?"

I don't know. 'Cause you're bent
over with your mouth open

and you're not wearing a shirt.

I know, but you can't
grind me from behind

when I've got something
sharp next to eyeball.

Let's just stick to the original plan.

[Spanish Accent] Oh, no, Petti... Pet...

- What'd that douche call you?
- Petirroja.

[Spanish Accent]
Petirroja, your breasts,

"jhey" are... "jhey" are not so petit,

but "jhey" are red.

What? You don't like
my cheating accent, mang?

My cheaty, cheaty accent?

Yeah, actually, I kind of do.

[Normal Voice] Really?
'Cause it's complete bullshit.

Can you make it quick?

- Oh, I can make it really quick.
- Okay, go. Go, go.

Yeah, okay. Let's go. Okay.

I just folded those!

I'll re-fold them. Let's go, come on.

Where you going?

- I have to pee.
- No, do it first, then pee.

- I have to pee right now.
- Hold it.

If I don't pee, I'm gonna think
about it the whole time.

- Let me just pee.
- It's not gonna last that long.

Let's go. Come on, come on, come on.

- Fine, fine, fine.
- Here we go, here we go.

No! What are you getting
under the covers for?

It's so cold. It's freezing in here.

- Did you lock the door?
- Oh, sh*t, no.

- Nope, no, no.
- I'll get the window.

- What are you doing?
- Closing the blinds.

- No one's watching.
- Ugh, this guy is.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Wait, wait.

Now what?

- I have to brush my teeth.
- No, it's fine.

- I don't care.
- I had hummus, baby.

Oh, God. It's gonna smell like
minty hummus.

Last one. Better make it count.

You know what? It is cold.

It is freezing in here.

- Oh, God.
- It's really chilly in here.

It's been a while.

Okay. Okay.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

[Knock On Door]

- Oh, no.
- Oh, geez.

What?

DELILAH: Hey, the door's stuck.

Go away, please!

Jared invited Chase over
to watch a movie.

Good, good, good, good.
New friends. That's great, babe.

- [Knob Rattles]
- Open the door!

Hey, just... just give us like
a minute and a half, okay?

What's going on? What's going on?

I just... That's going on.

Don't slap at it. That's
not gonna help it.

Sorry.

Are you guys having sex?

No! We're just...

- Are you wrapping presents?
- No!

That's the only two times
the door is locked.

You know, she's been
ignoring me for a week,

and now she wants to talk to me.

She is such a cock-blocker.

What's a cock bocker?

Oh, my God. What?

- That's really thin walls.
- Really thin walls.

Is that like a chicken? Bawk bawk!

My chicken's not that good.

Jared does a better one.

Jared, come help me cock bock!

- Oh, my God.
- Cock bock!

Cock bock!

I'm starting to get really worried.

We should take her to see somebody.

- Let's go.
- Like a doctor.

I know, I know.
I've been worried about her.

I know. It's really, really
strange, though.

- I know.
- Faster, faster.

It's getting worse, right?

Yeah, it is, it is. It is.

Okay. But that's not doing anything.

It's not about you yet.
Okay, that's good, okay.

Okay, yeah, I'll... I got to...

- Bawk ba-gawk!
- Oh, my God.

- God!
- Oh, my God!

Cock bock a-doodle do!

I'm done. I can't.

No, no, no, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine!

I got to... Come on.

Just... We can just...

Ow-ho-ho!

Cock bock!

- Cock bock!
- Damn it.

♪ Somewhere behind the skyline ♪

♪ There is a place I'm bakin' ♪

♪

[Knock On Door]

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Come on in.
- How are you?

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

Hi. How are you?

Hey. You must be Judith. Hi.

Brought a little something for you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Fabulous dress.

- Very nice.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- You get a hug.
- Girlfriend.

No, no.

I thought she was turning her face.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

What happened?

How about a record?

[Tribal Music Plays]

[Chuckles]

Harris.

Nate.

Here's to healing racial tensions.

No need to, though.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. That's, uh...

[Clears Throat]

Uh...

[Chuckles]

So, you guys excited for
the start of the season?

Oh, very much so. I love the leaves.

Oh, come on.

Leafs haven't been in a serious
Cup hunt since the ' s.

What are you talking about?

- Hockey.
- Ice hockey?

Only one kind of hockey.

What do you watch, basketball?

Why would you think that?

[Stammering] A lot of people watch it.

- Mm.
- No, I mean, everybody...

It's a big... popular...

Right.

It's a good sport.

It's... [Clears Throat]

Place is great.

Can't believe it's the
same layout as ours.

Mm. Seems so much nicer.
What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a freelance audio documentarian.

Mm. Awesome. Like...
Like podcasts and stuff?

Oh, please, podcasts are verbal
narcissism for ugly journalists.

No, I tell stories through sound.

- His wife makes the money.
- I figured.

ROBIN: Well, you look beautiful, Judith.

Oh, thank you.

My body adores being pregnant.

Oh, my God. Look how little these are.

Oh, my God.

[Inhales Deeply]

I miss the smell of these.
Is that weird?

Now all I get is filthy
teenage underwear.

It's like mud flaps on a dune buggy.

I'll take skid marks over
-hour constant attention.

And your kids don't need you
anymore, which is great.

You get so much more you time.

They don't not need me, though.

Well, what did you do
before you had the children?

I... worked for my father.

Importing, and, um...

wedding planning. All kinds of stuff.

Oh. Well, you can go back to that, no?

N-n-n... Mm-hmm.

Hey, I don't know if
we should be watching this.

It feels pretty grown-up.

It's PG- .

You're , right?

- Yeah.
- Okay, cool. Me too.

'Cause I can't do this
with an -year-old.

You know, like maybe, but not .

Do what?

♪ Sha la, la la la ♪

♪ Sha la, la la la ♪

♪ Sha la, la la la ♪

Aaaah!

What are you do... Delilah!

Nice to "meat" you! Get it?! Meat!

All right, make room for
the cock bock, everybody!

All right!

Mm. What are we watching?

They go in, they make
a tiny little puncture,

pull out the vas, snip, tie, done.

In and out in minutes.

And it doesn't hurt?

I ran a K the next day, man.

Or you could try my method...

impotence.

[Both Laugh]

Come on, Nate.

The pill is unhealthy, IUD... barbaric.

I even tried the rhythm method once.

I had two kids.

Now I'm a -year-old with three kids.

I love them, but it sucks.

Why don't you just put on a condom?

Come on, Nate.
That's why we get married.

Why buy the bronco if you can't
ride her bareback, right?

Oh, I adore horses.

- I've never done this before.
- Me neither.

What do you want to do
for seven minutes?

Anything we want.

♪ Sha la, la la la ♪

[Knock On Door]

Delilah: Can this be
a three-person game?

No!

Delilah: Come on, the cock
bock wants to tag out.

Cock bock!

Just give us a few minutes.

Okay, cool. I'll time you.

/ minutes left!

: , : , : ...

Can you tell her to go away?

- Why?
- She's just kind of k*lling the mood.

: , : ...

: and a half, : ...

Just tell her.

I'm sorry.

All right, I'm out of here.

Yes! My turn!

Wait! What did I do wrong?

No offense. It's just
a little too crowded in here.

See you around.

This is all your fault.

Nate, look how little and tiny it is.

It's so little, widdle, widdle, widdle!

- And look at Judith.
- What?

I mean, come on... she is just glowing.

Yeah. She's... She's...

How far along are you?

weeks.

... Jesus Christ!

That seems... [Clears Throat]

That... That seems long, no?

Mm, not really.

Aren't most babies due at like weeks?

Babies aren't on a schedule.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are.

That's why doctors come up with
terms like due dates.

[Chuckles] Trimesters, weeks, you know.

Straight, white, male doctors.
What do they know?

Same thing as gay, black, women doctors.

Now, now, this is a healing ceremony.

- No need to open a new rift.
- I'm not.

Nate, our kids were four weeks early.

Yeah, they come early all the time

'cause they want to get
out of that wet sack.

I mean, this guy, he's got
to be pruned by now, no?

- [Chuckles]
- Male lens.

Judith, trust me...
do not rush this process.

I'm not.

You're gonna need to enjoy
every second of it,

because they grow up so fast.

[Laughing] Yeah.

Not gonna grow up at all
if her placenta's rotting.

Am I right?

I mean...

You know, some serious
health concerns, you know?

Come on out, guy, you're done.

Oh! Don't touch! [Gasps]

Oh! Oh, sh*t!

Good Lord! Oh, my...

- Call the doula!
- I'm s... I didn't... I didn't do it.

You did, with your anger!

My body could not withstand
your straight white male energy,

and now my baby will be born premature!

- It's not premature.
- Nate.

Yeah, okay. We're just gonna go.
I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait!
I need seconds of room tone.

Oh.

Are you serious?
You're having a baby, ma...

- Shh! Shh!
- seconds from now.

Mm, mm, mm.

[Moaning] What's wrong?

Nothing.

What's... What's this?

This? It's a nighty.

- I hate this nighty.
- I know, but you gave it to me.

Why are you wearing it?

It's cute. I don't know. What's wrong?

What time is it?

It's : a.m.

Do you know where your balls are?

In your hand?

Mm-hmm. Would you like them elsewhere?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes, I do.

: a.m.

: a.m.

Midnight snack.

Mm, seriously.

Mm-hmm.

Mm, mm.

- sh*t.
- What?

- We're out of condoms.
- Don't worry about it.

- What?
- It's okay.

Okay.

- No. Mm.
- What?

I should worry about it.

Oh, come on, babe. Let's be bad.

Let's live on the edge.

- What?
- I know what you're doing.

What am I doing? I'm being sexy.

There's nothing sexy
about irresponsibility.

Oh, everything's sexy
about irresponsibility.

Mnh-mnh, come on. It's fine, it's fine.

- What?
- We'll do other things.

Oh, God, no, I don't need that garbage.

Come on. Just stick it in, stick it in.

It's not garbage. I know it's
not, but you know what I mean.

Just, let's go. Let's do it.

No, I don't want another baby.

You can pull out. It's not effective.

Actually, the withdrawal method,

it's like only % less effective
than condom use.

- That's... That's not true.
- I read it.

- You're not looking it up.
- Yeah.

No, babe... Baby...

The... The mood is gonna...

The mood will get back. It's fine.

There's no Wi-Fi in the bed...
specifically in the bedroom.

Are you not doing Wikipedia?

I'm not gonna get on Wikipedia.

It's not reliable.

Okay, here we go. It's loading.

It's just so slow back here.

I know. It's Edge Network.

It's useless.

Lookit.

- See?
- %. % if done correctly.

I can't believe I got that right.

That's a dot-gov.

Well, then it must be...

Must be true.

If you can't trust your government...

[Chuckles]

All right, let's do it.

Oh, let me get...
I'm gonna get this off.

- What? No. Keep it on.
- You want me to keep it on?

I bought that for you.

Here we go.

All right.

- No, no.
- What no?

- Up, up, up, up.
- No, I wasn't aiming there.

I know. It's too far.

- What?
- Hold on. Just give it to me.

I don't... Sorry,
I don't have my glasses on.

There we go.

Oh, sh*t.

- What?
- Oh, sh*t.

- What? Are you hurt?
- Oh, God.

- What's up?
- Oh, my God.

You don't know what this feels like.

Um... I do?

No, you don't. Not... where I'm sitting.

It's so...

- Okay, just don't... Mm-hmm.
- Oh... God!

It feels like I'm inside
the Velveteen Rabbit.

Shh, shh, shh! Don't talk.
Just move, just move.

Oh, no, don't move,
don't move, don't move.

Well, I have to move. I'm gonna move.

No, you don't have to swim laps
in a hot tub, do you?

No, you just sit there, you enjoy it.

- I want this to last.
- Okay, that's really...

Okay, I mean, correct.

- Correctly.
- Correctly.

Oh, my God. Why have we only
done this once before?

Because we decided we didn't
want to have any more kids.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, God, I love them so much.

Oh, my God. I love them so.

Best thing that ever happened to us.

Yeah, so good.

Remember when all they could do
is walk around the coffee table,

they'd have to hold
themselves up like that?

It was, oh, so, so precious.

Oh, so precious.

I love them so much.

- So much.
- Cum inside me.

Hmm? What'd you say?

- Cum inside me.
- No.

- Just stay in me.
- Is this what this is all about?

- No.
- What are you talking about?

- Just... Just stay in.
- Stop that, stop that!

Get off me. Get off in me.

No. Get off in me.

Get off! I don't want another baby.

Oh, God, baby.

Oh, baby. Baby, stop...

Stop saying "baby" in that context!

- Oh, baby!
- Get off! No!

Get off me! I'm serious! Get off!

Shut up!

These walls are so thin.

Sounds like he's in pain!

Ugh!

Oh! Oh-ho-ho.

Oh, wow.

Did you just fake an orgasm?

- No.
- Yeah, I think you did.

I... I didn't. I had an orgasm.

I just didn't ej*cul*te.

It's a thing I've been working on.

Okay, well, if you're not gonna
finish off properly,

I'm gonna have to get the Colonel

to give you a direct order.

- Who?
- Colonel Kegel.

Ke... Oh!

Oh, oh.

- Oh, yeah.
- Wha...

Yeah.

What is that?!

That was the Colonel.

The Colonel runs a very... tight...

- [Gasps]
- ship.

[Moaning] Oh... my God!

Colonels aren't in charge of boats.

Aren't they?

Oh! Have you always
known how to do that?

I have.

God, why don't you do this
all the time?!

- I was saving it?
- For years?!

- For a special occasion.
- Oh, f...

Oh, come on, please.

One sh*t, man, please.

I just want one.

No, I want a vasectomy.

I want a crib. Isn't that weird?

I want to shop for preschools.

I want to take them
to their first haircut

and then take a piece of the hair

and put some tape on it
and put it in a book.

No, I want to cum on your back
and go to Italy.

[Moaning]

Oh, my God!

It's so good!

God, it feels like a starfish

trying to pick up a quarter
off a glass table!

Is that a good thing?

It's so good!

It's so good! My God!

- [Doorbell Ringing]
- Oh, no. Oh, thank God.

- Okay, off, off, off, off!
- Ignore it, ignore it.

- No, we can't ignore it.
- It's the middle of the night.

That's when it's most important.

- It's fine.
- Come on.

[Ringing Stops]

Okay, see? It stopped. It stopped.

- Okay.
- Baby, baby, baby,

quit dicking around and
put one inside me, okay?

Mama needs a fresh new
baby head to smell.

Come on. Come on, you can do this.

DELILAH: Guys, stop doing it!
I'm coming in!

The... The doula!

She's stuck in tunnel traffic!
We need your help!

Okay, okay, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, I'll come, I'll come.
I'll come with you.

No, I'm not coming with you.
Get off. Off, off, come on.

- Come on.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

- Ahh.
- What?!

No!

Yeah. What a waste.

Told you. I've been working on it.

d*ck.

Can you hand me a sock or something.

I'll get a sock. Just a mess.

- [Vocalizing]
- You got it, babe.

Keep breathing. In, , , , , out.

- , , , .
- [Vocalizing Continues]

I'm not a doctor, but I think
we should get you to a hospital.

No!

Women like me have been birthing
without professional help

for a millennia.

- [Vocalizing Continues]
- Okay. Yes.

We're rolling.

- If you don't need help, why am I here?
- [Door Opens]

Where's Harris?

Uh, he's got his own set of problems.

- He... What are we gonna do?
- You got this.

- I do not got this.
- You could've been a doctor.

You... You're right. You're right.

- Oh, well...
- Absolutely.

First things first...
Let's sterilize the area, okay?

I'm gonna need hot water.

I'm gonna need towels,
hand sanitizer, and gloves.

- Maybe a scalpel.
- Wha... For what?

- For an episiotomy, babe, okay?
- Ooh.

Okay. Let's get you out of this tub.

- This is a hot mess.
- No, it's the water I need.

It soothes, it calms, it purifies,

and it eases the transition
from the amniotic sac into...

Ohh!

Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

Okay, help, come on. Come on.

- Let's get her. Oh, sh*t. Careful.
- [Groans]

- Careful.
- Ohh!

Oh, my God. Buddy, a little help?

From the impotent
sound recordist?! Next!

[Grunting]

I'm slipping!

No! No!

NATE: Oh! Ohh!

Ohh-ho-ho!

Aaaaah-ha-ha-ha!

Her birth gravy went in my mouth!

- It's all natural!
- Oh! Oh!

Can you help me up?

This is why I had a C-section.

I can't. I can't.

Get off me! Aah!

- Do you need help?
- Get away from me!

[Gasps] What is this?!

Nate! Help!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

[Screaming]

Hey, I've been thinking...

You know how there's no such thing

- as a three-wheeled bicycle?
- Sure there is.

It's called a tricycle.

And the third wheel
really brings some stability.

[Sighs]

Oh, come on!
They're doing it upstairs now?!

JUDITH: [Groaning]

Ooh. Ooh.

This spot has good aura.

Yeah, yeah, I can feel
my uterus is calmer.

I-I can relax here.

Oh, wait, your jewelry...
You should really remove it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, uh, no.

My vaginal jewelry...
I have three rings,

two studs, and a gauge.

I don't want them to scratch
the baby's face.

Oh, yeah. Nate?

- What?
- Get the stuff.

- What? No.
- Why not?

'Cause I've done enough. You do it.

I can't do it. I'm up here.

That's nothing.

It's being in the front.

Why don't you give me the mike?
You go fishing for clit rings.

Oh, please, Nate, you're
not trained to record sound.

I'm not trained to remove those.

I'm sure you're nervous that I'm here,

but I'm gonna tell you the same
thing I told the surrogate...

I grant you permission
to enter my wife's orchid.

Do you mean the Claire's Boutique

she calls a vag*na?

Why are you being so provincial?

Nate, you're being super-unreasonable.

JUDITH: Ohh. [Groans]

[Sighs] Okay.

[Vocalizing]

- God.
- Ooh, ahh.

Oh, God, that's swollen.

[Groaning Loudly]

Ugh.

Ohhhhh!

Oh, you got it.

Just think of that little baby,
that cute little baby,

so cute and so little and so cute!

[Moaning, Chuckles]

Mmm, you're quite nimble
with your fingers, Nate.

No!

Do not get off on this!

[Groaning, Grunting]

Listen, I love spending time with you.

I mean, you're my best friend.

It's just, sometimes, I think
three's kind of a crowd.

- No! Three's company!
- [Screaming]

Okay, well, at least admit

sometimes doors are closed for a reason.

[Heart b*ating, Fluid Rushing]

[Both Screaming]

[Slo-Mo] Get out!

Get out!

[Slo-Mo] Get out!

[Screaming Continues]

Oh, God! [Coughs] [Sighs]

Okay, you're right.

Let's leave doors closed from now on.

[Breathing Heavily]

♪

Your life matters.

[Chuckles]

[Both Gasp]

[Normal Voice] We're gonna take off.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, good luck.

NATE: [Normal Voice] Bye.
Good luck with that.

Bye.

NATE: [Breathes Deeply]

So, you guys probably have some
questions about what you saw.

Nope. We're good. It's fine.

Do you need a hug?

[Gasps] No, thank you.

I think I need some time alone.

I'm gonna go with her.

[Stammering] I'll see you tomorrow.

So, vasectomy?

Yeah, I'll make
your appointment tomorrow.

That just looks too much like placenta.

Ugh. She's ruined pizza for me.