02x06 - The Tournament

[bunniefuu]

- How's your shoulder?
- It hurts.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

So, what'd you tell them in there?

I told them everything,
just like you told me to.

Did you tell them about Carlos
trying to get custody of Jared?

God, no! I hadn't got past
the Florida trip.

I am bogging them down
in the worst details imaginable.

Oh, that's good.

You know what's funny? Lying.

Everybody does it,
but not like this chick.

She has lied to you from the beginning.

She lied about her criminal past,

about her relationship with Carlos.

She lied that your son
was potentially not yours.

I don't get it.
Why are you protecting her?

Our strength really isn't
in doing the right thing.

It's surviving the wrong thing.

I hate you.

COACH: [Sighs]

You know, unfortunately v*olence
is part of the game.

It gets a little rough at times, sure,

but that's why you need
to get better at skating.

You become a... a great skills player,

and you skate circles
around all of those g*ons.

We'll call you Nate "the Skate" Parker.

That's a pretty good nickname, isn't it?

[Door Opens]

Get your ass out of this locker room

and back on the ice,
you little shithead!

But they keep hitting me.

"Oh, they keep hitting me.
They keep hitting me."

Makes me want to hit you.
I'm your [Bleep] mom!

Mrs. Parker, mind your language.

Oh, you didn't mind my language

last night when you were inside me.

Hey, look at me, look at me, look at me.

You want something from this
sad, lonely, pathetic world,

you got to fight for it.

You want to win the game?
You got to fight.

You want a job? You got to fight.

You want to split a piece of strange?

You got to fight for it. Trust me.

Your dad didn't fight for this.

Now he's living under a bridge,
sleeping in bubble wrap.

Get out there and fight!

STOMPIN' TOM CONNORS: Second period.

[Crowd Cheering]

Skate, Nate! Skate!

♪ Where players dash
with skates a-flash ♪

Nate the Skate!

♪ But they grab the puck
and go bursting up ♪

Skate, Nate!

You like that?
What are you gonna do about it?

Skate, Nate! Please skate!

Shake, Nate, skate! Skate, Nate...

Now get out there and fight.

- ♪ Oh, the good old hockey game ♪
- [Whistle Blows]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kid, what is the matter with you?

♪ And the best game you can name ♪

- No, Nate!
- This is your problem!

Look at this little Frankenstein!

Listen, you little monster!
Hockey's not about fighting!

♪ Oh, the good old hockey game ♪

♪ Is the best game you can name ♪

♪ And the best game you can name ♪

♪ Is the good old hockey game ♪

Yeah! That son of a bitch is my kid!

Whoo!

♪ And the best game you can name ♪

♪ Is the good old hockey game ♪

Adios, amigos.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

Nate! Nate!

Please, don't.

You touch him, he wins. Trust me.

I don't.

Any time, anywhere, amigo.

Not for nothing, but I think
that guy would kick your ass.

♪ Somewhere behind the skyline ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted Music Plays]

♪

Oh. You're already up?

I didn't sleep.

Look, I just, uh, I just want to say...

No need.

I'm not ready to talk yet.

[Drill Whirring]

Hey, I know you're angry,

but let me just say... I am so sorry.

Yeah, I know.

- If you weren't, I wouldn't be here.
- Okay.

But we have to say something
to him, don't we?

What would you like me to say?

Some other guy planted eggs
in your forehead?

Come on, he's yours.

Some dumb piece of paper
doesn't change that.

This dumb piece of paper
is called science,

which is irrefutable.

Well, then open it.

I don't want to!

God, you couldn't of waited like
a week between the two of us?

Nate, I would've been dead
or in jail if I hadn't met you.

You know that.
You brought normalcy to my life.

Oh, my God.
Quit it with this normal sh*t.

Okay? It doesn't exist.

And your quixotic pursuit of it is...

it's quixotic. Okay?

I used the word too early
in that sentence.

[Drilling Continues]

There's nothing normal about us!

Guys, lets go. Tae Kwon Do belt day.

What? No. Not today. No.

My God.

Why are you so dismissive
of my accomplishments?

You are the worst!

[Sighs]

She's not wrong.

I know.

♪

Hyah!

Gyah!

Oh, God.

I forgot life was still happening.

This is so weird.

Yeah, it might be, but our daughter's

about to show us
her mastery of that weird thing,

so we better pretend like we like it.

I was talking about this.

- Oh. Yes.
- Oh!

Yeah, what... Oh, God. What
are you doing here? Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry I gave up
tickets to "Babe "

to come see my niece.

What are you going
to a children's movie for?

I like children's movies.

What are you, a pedophile?

There's no reason for you to be there

unless you're trolling for kids.

"Eh, where all the kids at?"

Yeah? 'Cause that's fun.

Ew.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, Sensei!

- Is this your green-belt test?
- Yes, Sensei!

- Are you prepared?
- Yes, Sensei!

- And Jared?
- Yes, Sensei!

I go by Sapling in the Trees now.

Jared's a great name.

Hey, pal. Um...

I can't believe Carlos would do.
He's such a d*ck.

Would you shut your damn stupid mouth?

I'm trying to talk to my son.

Please?

You seem tense. You want a soda?

No. No, I...

A hot dog?

Sure.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Well, that was easy.

I shall observe
the tenets of Tae Kwon Do!

STUDENTS: I shall observe
the tenets of Tae Kwon Do!

- Courtesy!
- Courtesy!

- Respect!
- Respect!

- Integrity!
- Integrity!

- In truth!
- In truth!

I will persevere!

Oh, God. Better go get down there.

I'll go.

Hey, Delilah. Delilah.

Are you okay?

I don't... Don't talk to me!

Super D, come here.
Come here. Come here.

Ow!

You shall not pass!

What is your problem? Out of the way.

Sweetie, come here.

You need to respect her wishes.

She can have wishes
when she's , all right?

Ow! sh*t!

Delilah, do you know him?

I thought I did.

What are you talking about?

You need to step away! Now!

Perv!

Perv?

Hey, that doesn't hurt. Ow!

Yeah, I heard you. Pedophile!

What are you talking about?

I am her father.

How do I know that?

Because I am. All right?

Sweetheart, can you tell Daniel-san here

that I am your dad, please?

He trolls for kids at movies.

You shut your mouth, you little...

Little what? Trophy? Prize?

What other pet names do you like
to call little girls like us?

Stop! Sweetie, come.

Ew. "Sweetie."

I know what happened.
I heard you in court.

You need to tell Jared what you did.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything, okay? It just...

It just happened.

You need to tell Jared the truth.

Tell him!

Tell me what you did!

Would you settle down, both of you?

God!

It's like the third belt.

You're not kicking anybody's ass.

♪

Ah! Ah!

She broke my board!

You weren't gonna break it.

You know, it's funny.

I still remember a time when
you couldn't come in here alone.

I had to stand guard outside,
look for dragons.

JARED: Yeah, well, I'm over that

'cause I found out they were extinct.

Right.

Yeah.

So, listen, about what
happened in court.

Um...

This Carlos guy, he's...

You, uh, take off your clothes
to go to the bathroom, pal?

What? Oh, yeah, always.

I guess I stopped paying attention

once you learned to go
on your own, so, uh...

All of them.

Yeah, what... what were you gonna say?

Uh...

I just, um...

We need to have a little talk.

About that.

[Sighs]

Paternity results? I don't get it.

S-So if I open this envelope,

it'll either say you're my dad
or you're not my dad?

Uh... yeah.

Do you know what it says?

I don't.

Dad?

Yeah?

I don't want to open it.

Then don't, pal. Don't.

Well, I kind of want to know.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Your w*apon demonstration?

Nunchukas.

Nine-ring-sword sword, sir.

It's a broadsword.

You remind me so much of my Jared.

You know, all this would go away

if you just gave Carlos what he wants.

Oh, God. I screwed up so bad.

It's gonna be okay.

Just give him that old, rusty ass.

It's a little fat for your frame,

but it still looks pretty good
for a woman your age.

No! The older it gets,
the more valuable it gets.

Damn straight!

Just give him the ass.

You've been sitting on it for years.

I will never give it to him.
He has no right to it.

And I will fight him
until my last breath.

Well, don't fight too hard.

I hear ass play gets
pretty fun in your s.

I'm .

JARED: Dad?

Yeah?

Do you want to b*at up Carlos?

You know, pal, uh,

v*olence is never really the answer.

You know?

That's what I've been
trying to teach you guys

all along the way, but, uh...

I'm just failing miserably at it.

Whoa, what was that?

I, uh, tripped over a garbage can.

I don't know why they
leave these things out.

Oh.

Hyah!

[Grunts]

I-I want you to open it.

Yeah? You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

[Sobbing]

What does it say?

What do you think it says? [Sniffles]

That you're my dad.

Yeah.

I knew it.

[Sniffles]

Um, just listen to me.

Whatever happens going forward,

um, just know that
I'll always be with you, okay?

What about when you're dead?

I'll still be there.

Cool. Ghost dad.

I love you so much.

Where do the parents sit?

You got a kid here?

One that I know of, amigo.

What is he doing here?

What the hell are you doing here?

Maybe he just wants to talk.

- Oh, is that what he wants?
- I'm guessing.

What else would I want?

You want the ass.

Give it to him. He's gorgeous.

Shh, shut it.

Do you understand the damage
you've caused my family?

I am so sorry.
That was not my intention.

You give me what I want,
and this whole thing goes away.

No!

[Scoffs] This is crazy!

Just give him the ass, and we'll stop!

"We"?

_

I'm on the hook for frack houses.

Jesus.

When did clean water become a right?

And it gets worse.

Your sister, she wants
a divorce from me.

How are we supposed
to get half of what she has

if you're getting a divorce?

God! You're so stupid.

Don't worry. I will make them pay.

How did you find my bag, Carlos?

She told me.

We were talking.

If you wanted it so bad,
why did you give it back to me?

He didn't want it. I wanted it.

He wanted you, stupid.

- After everything I've done for you.
- [Gasps]

[Crowd Murmuring]

Brat!

Stay down!

Babe!

[Coughs]

What the hell?

Oh, look who it is. It's Jareb.

I have something to tell you.

Don't you tell him.

Oh, what, the truth?

You shut your mouth.

Last chance, Petirroja.

- Don't call me that ever again.
- Okay.

Sorry to have to do this to your family.

Jareb, I am your...

[Crowd Gasps]

- Holy sh*t!
- Holy sh*t!

Yeah, we're good, right?

Let's go.

Yeah. What the...?

Get off me! Out of our way, kids.
Let's go.

- [Groaning]
- Out of our way.

[Gavel Bangs]

So, Mr. Camacho.

You are withdrawing all claims
and granting a full divorce?

That is correct, Your Honor.

I don't know why. We had this thing won.

This is crazy, right?

I'm not sure I fully
understand all of this.

Me, neither.

♪

Vanessa?

[Clicks Tongue]

Vanessa!

Sorry, man.

You wouldn't have come if I asked.

So, listen.

I don't really know what you want, okay?

But, uh, I got money.

If that's it, I'll give it to you.

But please, I'm asking you,

On Monday morning at court,
can you just drop the lawsuit?

[Normal Voice]
I'll tell you what I'll drop.

I'm gonna drop you.

Just like you dropped
that bullshit accent.

[Laughing] Yeah. I just use it to, um...

[Spanish Accent] How you say...

[Normal Voice] make your wife wet.

[Laughs]

I knew it wasn't real.

So, we have a deal?

What do I get out of this deal?

You get to walk away knowing
you did the right thing?

If I don't?

When you went to give Vanessa
her phone back, did you see him?

Who?

Him.

No.

Oh, I will destroy you!

What the hell are you doing?

Capoeira.

Is that dance-fighting?

Oh, you 'bout to find out.

[Pants Rip]

You just ripped your pants, assh*le.

Last time, guy. Just drop the lawsuit.

We don't have to do this.

My son can do that.

My son.

How did you break your hands?

Like I said, I fell down the stairs.

How do you break your hands
falling down the stairs?

I don't want to do this, man.

Too late.

Aah!

You broke my hand!

I told you.

I got a rock for a head.

Nothing hurts.

Lookit.

Oh, God! My other hand.

I didn't hit him that hard.

You hit him pretty hard.

I really didn't.

You're a mama grizzly, okay?

When you're protecting your cubs,

you don't know your own strength.

It's true, but I...
Let me see your hands.

Hm?

I just want to look at your hands.

What for?

What about them?

Mama bear did her worst
with the nunchucks.

You really think you can top that?

What's this?

Oh, this? You'll see.

You never know when a good
piece of foil comes in handy.

So, listen.

♪ Try to be best
'cause you're only a man ♪

About that mama-grizzly thing.

You're totally right.

They are dangerous.

You know what's worse
than a mama grizzly?

Daddy grizzly.

♪ History repeats itself ♪

Last chance.

♪ Try and you'll succeed ♪

I've never back down from a fight.

That's what I was hoping you'd say.

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪

♪ You're the best around ♪

You see this? Huh?

Can you still see?

Come closer.

Sit up, sit up. That's it.

A father is more than a seed.

[Grunts]

A find this highly suspicious.

It was very slippery stairs. Very slick.

What did he say?

I have no idea.

And you are not being forced
to do this in any way?

This action is of your own free will?

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪

Get up! You like it right there?

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna ever bring you down ♪

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Nothing, nothing ♪

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So, you're gonna drop
this paternity lawsuit,

and you're gonna stay away
from my family forever.

[Groaning]

Oh.

One more thing.

- [Groaning]
- He's turning.

I would also like to say...

He would also like to say...

[Groaning]

He's just moaning now.
A little bit of moaning.

That the paternity
documents were forged.

That the paternity
documents were forged.

- And they were false.
- They were false.

Also... And I would also like
to say that I'm very sorry.

He'd also like to slay some calamari.

Okay, then.

We'll have you brought up
on false-document charges soon.

But first, I hereby grant this divorce.

Congratulations.

Yes!

CARLOS: [Groaning]

Nice job, pal.

Call me if you ever need a lawyer.

Sure.

Easy does it. Easy.

Whoopsie.

[Groaning]

Oh, what?

What did I do?

♪

- [Groaning]
- Ah!

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ This is the part
when I say I don't want ya ♪

♪ I'm stronger than I've been before ♪

♪ This is the part when I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪

♪ This is the part
when I say I don't want ya ♪

♪ I'm stronger than I've been before ♪

You know, babe?

Hm?

I think...

I think everything's gonna be okay now.

Yeah...

I don't know.

What don't you know?

I don't think it's gonna be okay.

- You don't?
- No.

I think it's gonna be great.

[Drill Whirring]

Ah, geez.

- What?
- That.

What?

Ugh. Zzzt.

You hear that? Zzzt.

Zzzt.

It's so annoying.

It sounds real serious.

It's Zzzt.

- I'm going to bed.
- Zzzt.

- God.
- Going to bed.

I'll meet you there in a bit.

- Hey, Nate.
- Hm?

Do you want to consummate this thing?

'Cause I got about minutes,
and then I'm [Whistles]

Oh, sh*t. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yes, I do.
Just gonna take out the trash.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

- Oh, come on, man. Why?
- What?

Do you want some of this?

Do you want roaches?

Well, nobody wants... Well, yeah.

- Right?
- Okay.

- Keep it awake, though.
- Yep. It's...

- I'm gonna get in that.
- Shh!

Oh, hey.

Did you guys just move in next door?

Yeah?

Do me a favor.

Knock it off
with the drilling, would you?

You can hear that?

Zzzt, zzzt. Zzzt.

Yeah. Yeah, I can.

It's annoying.

Seriously, how many shelves
do you have to hang, right?

Yeah, life's about to get good
for the Parkers.

Ah, sh*t!