03x06 - The Vows

[bunniefuu]

So, you spent the winter on a boat,

you b*at up a Russian to make
money for your dream house...

- [Crowd cheering]
- Oh, sh*t.

You went to town on this Russian guy.

This guy looks worse than that
Mexican ex-husband of yours.

Oh, my God. Honey.

I did it for you guys... to make money.

Seven months alone on a boat.

That must have been quite
the homecoming, huh? Fssh!

Not really. She didn't even pick me up.

I'm a bit of an assh*le.

Yeah, to put it mildly.

- [Three tones]
- Operator: The number you have reached

is not in service at this time,
and there is no new number...

♪ The wheels on the bus... ♪

Well, look what the nets dragged in.

Argh!

Gene? The hell are you doing here?

Your wife told me
to pick up a fat dipshit

at the diner by the docks,

and you're the only fat
dipshit that I can see.

W... Ooh!

Wait. You were talking to...

Why were you in Alaska?

I was invited to the wedding, thank you.

- What wedding?
- Yours, dipshit.

My wife planned a wedding?

[Chuckling] Oh, man.

This is gonna be fun.

[Laughs]

I'm telling you, man,
marriage is a pathetic trap.

When I got divorced
for the third and final time,

suddenly, it all made sense.

Well, I haven't seen my
wife in seven months,

so I'm pretty excited.

You know, when I used to go away

for long stretches of time cavorting...

I wasn't cavorting.

Weren't you on a singles cruise?

I was on a factory fishing boat.

Ohhh. Yeah, that's the smell.

I sorted dead fish for a living.

It's way worse than that.

It's like a dead fish

after five days doing coke in a sauna.

- What's your point?
- Well, my point is,

when I would come home reeking of sin,

I'd come to a little place like this,

splash a little cover-all on myself.

Oh, my God. What's cover-all?

Dude! Dude!

What... is your problem?!

Gasoline... covers all.

All cheap perfume, all body lotions

from strippers and
hookers and "dead fish."

Stop! Stop it!

Pathetic, right?

Yes, it's very pathetic!

That's marriage, man.

Stop! Stop it! It burns!

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

[Engine revs]

[Flaps lips]

Jesus. That's a lot of texts.

It's - out. It's getting really cold.

Thought you could maybe use
a little bit of a warm-up,

you know, like a little bit of...

Delilah: God damn it!
Get a room! You're pathetic!

I have a room! This is my house!

I don't care! It's my house, too!

Please come home.

Yikes. It's fine.

It's - out.

The wine's frozen, so that's what I'm...

that's what I'm dealing with.

Nice change of pace, ya drunk!

It's noon.

It's - degrees.

Oh, boy.

Dad, you got to get back here.

These two are losing their sh*t.

Why are you always yelling at me?!

That's the only way I'm able
to communicate with you!

Then I feel like I'm not being heard...

What is happening?

You sure you want to go home, dipshit?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Wait. Where are you going, man?

I told you I want to go home.

That is your home.

What? This? What... did she move?

When did she do that?
What's... What's happening?

You're asking way too many questions

that I don't have answers for.

[Wavves' "When Will You Come" plays]

[Music stops]

[Music resumes]

♪

- [Music stops]
- Out!

I'm not in.

[Grunts] Ungh!

Bad luck to see the bride
the night before the wedding!

Bad luck! Bad luck!

Aaaah!

I hate your sister!

[Groans]

Why is she here?!

[Music resumes]

♪

- [Music slows, stops]
- Ow!

Where are you going?

- I'm going to Mason's house.
- No! We have a rehearsal!

Yo! Mr. P's back! What's up?

That guy made it through the winter?

Yeah, and he's still a douche.

And you're still a bitch!

Whoa! Do not talk
to your mother that way!

And who are you?
Are you this bitch's friend?

'Cause she can fight her own battles!

Hey, you don't talk to him that way!

Young lady!

What did you do to my daughter?

It was a really long winter.

- [Engine starts]
- I'm just so glad you're back.

[Music resumes, stops]

Oh! Hey, guys! Yes! Great! You're here.

- [Vehicle doors open, close]
- What is happening?

You're gonna go right around back.

Just down the stairs.

What is going on here?

I planned a wedding. Surprise!

It says "bride" on my butt.

It says "brie" on your butt.

Oh. The "D" keeps getting stuck
in my ass. That happens a lot.

- We're getting married today?
- No, don't be stupid.

We're getting married tomorrow.

Why would you do this, though?

Because you said you wanted to get
married the second you got back.

I didn't mean it literally.

Well, then don't use the word
"literally" when you...

Mnh. You know what?
Forget it. It's fine. It's fine.

Woman: Ma'am, where would
you like these flowers?

Oh, yes! Flowers! Of course!

Ba...

Oh, my God.

I've been to your house, Sarah.
You cannot see Russia.

[Laughter]

Jared, look who's home! Daddy's home!

We're sorry. The mayor's
currently unavailable.

I'm his father. Who the hell are you?

- We handle the mayor.
- What are you talking about, "handle"?

- He's a tourist attraction.
- "Was."

This is the th largest city in Alaska.

And it finally has the powerful leader

and representation it deserves.

Have a great day.

I... plan on it, okay? I...

Jared? Jared!

Did I just get handled?

Oh, yeah. Baby, you did.

- I'm so sorry.
- Okay.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! What? What?

- Did you go to a strip club?
- No!

Then why are you wearing cover-all?

I'm not... Wh...

How do you know about that?

Mom blogs. It's pathetic...
really pathetic.

Why would you go to a strip club
the day before your wedding?

I got gasoline sprayed on me!

Yeah, that's how they do it.

T minus minutes to rehearsal.

We got to go, babe.

- "Babe"?
- Yeah, it's our thing.

Listen, hey, I get it.

It was a five-hour drive
after seven months at sea.

I'm a little upset that you didn't want
your first lap dance to be from me,

but I forgive you,

because I am so excited to get married!

Finally!

All: Yay!

All: Byyyye!

Hmm.

Home from sea, and you're
already back on the old tugboat.

But don't worry.

Everyone says intimacy
picks up after the wedding.

Does it?

Mnh-mnh. Doesn't.

I kn... I know.

[Music resumes]

Nate: Why am I walking down the aisle?

Oh, 'cause Megwyn thought
it would be dope

- to reverse the gender norms.
- So dope.

[Groans] Why doesn't he reverse
gender norms at his own wedding?

Where are all my friends?

Well, Gene's here.

I said "friends"!

And you got your mom.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Just give me it.

Give you what?

Your d*ck.

I'll hold it in my purse until
your wife lets you have it back.

[Slow piano music plays]

- ["Here Comes the Bride" plays]
- ♪ Here comes the cuck ♪

♪ 'Cause he's a cuck ♪

♪ Just like his dad,
who was also a cuck ♪

♪ It must be genetic ♪

♪ Cu-cuck, cu-cuck, cu-cuck ♪

Come on! Push!

It's an electric wheelchair.

I'm not gonna waste my battery
on this bullshit!

What is she calling you? A duck?

- A cuck.
- What's that?

Short for "cuckold"...
an emasculated male.

Oh. Makes sense.

Whoo! Let's douche this! Whoo!

Why don't we "douche" this
inside? It's raining.

Because we need to rehearse
it, how we're gonna do it.

At least put up a rain
tent or something.

No, we're not gonna need it.
It's gonna be beautiful.

Okay, uh, dearly beloved,

we gather here today
to rehearse the wedding

of Nate Parker and Robin Randall.

And then I'll work the crowd.

"So happy to see
so many registered voters,"

throw a couple jokes.

- The Talkeetna one.
- Oh, it's so good,

the word "joke" doesn't do it justice.

Right. And then we hold for laughs.

[Wind gusts]

Come on. Let's go, okay? It's raining.

Still holding.

The Talkeetna joke kills.
Waves of laughter.

Still holding.

Oh, my God. What is it? What
could possibly be this funny?

You'll hear it on the day.

- It's really funny.
- It's super funny.

Four, three, two, one.

Back to the special day.

And then Delilah gives
some meaningful speech.

She's not here right now,
but she will be on the day.

And that's when the flash
mob does their thing.

Dancers, costume changes,
umbrellas, top hats.

- It's gonna be amazing.
- So amazing.

Why would you do that?

Well, because we rehearsed
it for two months.

I'm gonna sing at you.

Are you expecting
producers in the crowd?

Tons!

Happy wife, happy life. Am I right?

Anyway, moving on to the vows.

Oh, my God. This is like a bad dream.

I haven't seen you in seven months,

I haven't spoken to you in seven months,

and now I can't because
of all this crap.

This isn't crap.

You never wanted any of this.

What's wrong with you? This is just
a party to celebrate our love.

I didn't want a party.

I wanted to come home,
order a pizza, and [bleep].

Okay, reminder to keep this PG.

But those are words
to live by, no doubt.

I needed something to get me
through those seven months, Nate.

Did I go a little overboard on this?

Yes, yes, I sure as sh*t did.

But the darkness, the cold...

It was below...
sometimes, with wind chill.

I broke my hair!

We had hair-sicles! Whoo!

Shut up!

Hey, hol... hold on.
Don't tell her to shut up.

She's the one who helped me through
this. She's the one who kept me sane.

No sane Robin would ever say that.

I was so lonely, Nate.

Oh, were you? Were you lonely?

Because I was in the bowels of a boat

with nothing but dead fish to talk to.

This isn't a competition.

Yes, it is! And I win.

'Cause my life was hell,
and everything I did,

I did for you and you and...

wherever the hell she is, okay?

The only thing that got me through it

was thinking about you
and writing to you.

And I loved those letters.
I read every one of them.

Oh, so much so,
you couldn't even return one?

Where was I gonna send you a letter?!

I didn't have your address!
What was it gonna be?

"Some guy I know, a boat, the ocean"?

The boy has a name.

Thank you, Mother.

It's Cuck... Cuck Parker.

[Sighs]

Suits you so much better than "dipshit."

I-I see you spent the money.

What money?

The money I sent you.

You didn't send me any money.

Yes, I did! A sh*t ton,
and I sent it in the mail!

- You sent cash in the mail?
- Where else would you send it?

Why would you send cash in the mail?

Because if you can't
trust the post office,

you can't trust anyone!

I put it in a fish stick box
and wrapped it up.

It was tamper-proof.

I didn't get any money from you.

Then how did you afford
this monstrosity?

Our dad bought it for us

'cause he knows how to support a family.

Isn't this what you wanted? We're rich.

Our family is finally
in a good place, Nate.

Somebody's finally taking care of us.

I thought that was my job.

Okay. Moving on.

Finally, we do the "I do"s

and then "You may French the groom."

[Chuckles]

Or not. W-W-We can
save that for the day.

Like the Talkeetna joke.

[Both giggle]

♪

Okay, good. We're done? Great.

Oh, my God. Where are you going?
Nate, come back.

No. No, no, no. You're finally
in such a good place.

You don't need me. Just tell me
what time to show up.

: a.m. sharp.

Babe.

- Yes?
- Nate.

No. I'll see you tomorrow,
like the cuck that I am.

Even cucks don't call themselves a cuck.

You sub-cuck!

[Wind gusts]

Hey.

Hey, where you going?

You're getting married tomorrow.

Marriage makes everybody happy, right?

Sure.

Come on. Let's throw an
impromptu bachelor party.

I was gonna drive a couple hours
and see some titties anyway.

Not really in the mood
for scantily clad women

and high-fiving bros, so... no.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Awesome, right?

Oh, man, this is better than awesome.

This is Foxy Hoxxxey!

Whoo! The hottest show on ice!

Look at them go!

Get it, get it, get it!

It's like the roller derby of hockey,

only with attractive women.

[Chuckles] I didn't know
they were in town.

What's up, Sweetheart?

I can call her that 'cause
her nickname's Sweetheart.

It's not sexist.

Mm! There's McKinley!

[Spits]

- Aah!
- [Laughs]

She goes by "Denali" now,

but she'll always be McKinley to me.

Let's go, girls! Move the puck!

- [Thud]
- Oh! Yes! Yes!

You know what's funny?

I invented this in ninth grade
in my bedroom one night.

I even had a prototype for a
high-heeled skate and everything.

My mom said it would never
work, but I knew it would!

It's a beautiful game!

Oh, it sure as sh*t is.

This girl, Bee, she's the
feminist of the group.

She talks a big game, but she's
a really shitty fighter.

♪

Yeeeeah!

[Cheers and applause]

♪ My way ♪

♪ My way-ay-ay ♪

Boom! Yeah, you suck, Bee!

You're insane!

[Coughs]

Is that your tooth?

♪

This is the greatest night of my life.

[Crowd booing]

Buh-bye!

It looks like the
Arctic Fox from Koyukuk

tried to check herself,
but wrecked herself!

While she gets her brain un-concussed,

we need another 'Kuk to sub in.

Take this guy! He's the
biggest cuck in the house!

This is his last night of freedom!

He's getting forced
into marriage tomorrow!

I was not forced.

You up to throw down?

Yes, I am.

Yeeeeeeeeeeah!

It's on!

[Laughter]

Nate the Skate!

Nate the Skate!

[Crowd chanting "Nate the Skate!"]

That's right.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

♪ Hello out there, we're on the air ♪

♪ It's hockey night tonight ♪

♪ The whistle blows, the tension grows ♪

- [Buzzer]
- ♪ And the puck goes down the ice ♪

♪ The goalie jumps,
and the players bump ♪

- ♪ And the fans all go insane ♪
- [Buzzer]

♪ Someone roars, "Bobby scores!" ♪

Not today, Sweetheart.

- [Buzzer]
- Whoo!

In your face!

Breakaway.

- Ohhh!
- [Buzzer]

The Great One is back!

Pass, pass, pass, pass!

Attagirl.

Boom! It's too easy!

[Buzzer]

Boo! Too much hockey!

Nothing sexy about competent,
adult, amateur hockey!

Alright, girls. Flying V. Here we go.

Come on! Get some!

What do you want?
You want some of that? Huh?

- Oh, you left it wide open!
- [Buzzer]

It's like you girls weren't even
chosen for your hockey skills.

♪ They storm the crease
like bumblebees ♪

Can one of you girls
at least try to stop me?

Just one. I swear to God.
My father-in-law's rich.

I will pay you a million
dollars if you stop me.

- Aah!
- Ohh!

[Crowd booing]

Oh, come on! It's a legal hit!

You want a little kiss, huh?

[Crowd cheers]

Careful, okay? We're on
the same team, McKinley!

It's Denali!

Hey, looks like you need
some more cover-all, Nate!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, careful!

Careful, please! Please! My...

Please! My pants might explode!

Ooh, yeah, I bet they will!

No! I'm covered in gasoline! Please!

Now, tell me again... what's my name?!

It's...

Denali! It's Denali! It's Denali.

Ah, sh*t!

Oh, you're nuts!

♪ Is the good old hockey game ♪

sh*t! Hey!

I'm on [bleep] fire! sh*t!

Somebody help me! I'm on fire!

Gene! Gene! Hey!

Come on! Put it out!

Put it out!

Gene: You girls are gonna like these.
These are gonna get you lit!

Where's Nate? Give these to Nate!

[Laughing] Nice shorts, sweetheart.

Care to go at it again?

No. I don't. I'm leaving 'cause
I'm getting married tomorrow.

Hey. What's wrong with you?

Married life is the worst.
Look at me, Nate.

Don't waste your life on a
woman who disrespects you.

She didn't even come pick you up.

Is this the same wife that forced you
to work on a boat for seven months?

The reason you're on the run in Alaska?

That's an abusive relationship.

How much did you tell
them about my life?

No, I have a fine relationship, okay?

We've got kids.

Man, when kids turn ,
they're out the door.

They're gone. They have their own lives.

Look, no one's gonna judge
you for doing the thing

that you think is the right thing.

Walk away... tonight. Enjoy your life.

[Crowd chanting "Nate the Skate!"]

[Chanting continues]

[Slurring] _

_

_

_

He better have more dr*gs.

We're just taking the dr*gs
and leaving, right?

Oh, yeah. [Laughs]

[Cellphone chimes]

[Gene laughing]

[Door closes]

[Ringing]

[Door opens]

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Scoffs] I knew he would screw this up.

He's coming. He'll be here.

Okay? We made a promise
to each other, so...

Just don't... don't leave.

He's coming. He's...
He's late, you know.

An hour and a half late, but don't...

don't anybody go anywhere.

Sit down! You sit down
right now! He's coming!

He'll be here, okay? You have to wait.

- Where's Dad?
- Oh, my God!

Why are you so obsessed with
him? He doesn't even like you!

- It's important that he be here, babe.
- Shut up. Stop it.

- You cannot call me that anymore.
- Good one, babe.

Nate's Mom: Well, would
you look at that?

The cuck finally grew a set.

[Chuckles]

Why are you clapping?

I clap when I'm happy.

And I'm happy when nobody else is.

Maybe we should get the flash mob going!

Did someone say "flash mob"?

No!

Nobody ever says "flash mob,"

because it's a terrible idea!

[Calvin Harris featuring Kelis'
"Bounce" plays]

♪

♪

[Slow music plays]

♪

♪