03x09 - The Funeral

[bunniefuu]

Man: That's one hell of a landing, bro.

- Well, thank you.
- And you never piloted a plane before?

Nah, but I got a natural
aptitude for it.

sh*t, I would have liked
to have seen that.

Bet you a lot of people would
have liked to have seen that.

That'd be like me trying to argue
in front of the Supreme Court.

- Upstairs, bro.
- [Chuckles]

You landed that sh*t right in the trees.

No doubt.

You crashed it right into the trees.

Ahh... it was a controlled crash.

Captain Sully'd that sh*t.

- sh*t.
- Bit of a plane guy.

- You're not.
- Yeah?

He's not.

♪

♪

Aah!

[Breathing heavily]

Oh, wow.

Give it up for us, huh?

Got a couple bumps and bruises, but...
You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah, damn right you're fine

'cause we're the Parkers
and nothing stops us,

no way, no how.

And look at this spot, huh?

You would have to hike
for days to get in here.

This is pretty special.

- Honey, you don't have to do this.
- Yes, I [bleep] do, okay?

'Cause we just survived
a plane crash, all right,

and my adrenaline is pumping.

This is our second chance
at life, all right?

Get excited. Whoo!

Whoo!

Come on. Do the "whoos."

[Weakly] Whoo.

Yeah. Makes you feel good

'cause we're getting out of here alive.

Except Sleepy.

What? No. He's gonna be fine.

Like I told you, he's just
a little dehydrated, okay?

Look at me.
Nobody dies on my watch, okay?

Now, I got a pulley system
all rigged up.

I'm gonna get him down here,

and we're all gonna walk out
of here to safety.

Where's safety?

It's, uh... up.

Somewhere behind that mountain,

there's a place
I'm thinking we should go.

And that place is that town
we saw from the plane.

So, pitter-patter,
let's get at 'er, huh?

We're gonna get him.

We're gonna follow that
river all the way up.

Hopefully it snakes left.

- Snakes?
- I say we follow the river down.

- Down to where?
- To the ocean.

- Ocean's that way.
- No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

"Waffles" equals ocean. Well,
the river's going that way,

and all rivers lead to the ocean.

Where did you learn that
logic, some fortune cookie?

Rivers also lead to ponds and lakes.

And some dry up,
and most go underground.

Family vote... who wants to go down?

- Both: Down.
- Down it is.

You're just saying that
because it sounds easier.

The family's voted. Come on. Let's go.

Okay, well, I veto the vote.

You can't veto the family vote.

I can veto the vote
when it's a stupid vote

that has a better chance
of getting us k*lled.

Oh, my God, you just said
no one dies on your watch!

And you won't if you listen
to what I'm saying, okay?

Now, I'm going to get Sleepy,

and we're all walking out of here alive.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Jesus.

- Oh, God.
- Guys, don't worry.

He's gonna be fine.

[Branches snapping]

- Aah!
- Oh, God.

He's probably still alive.

♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪

♪ There is a place I'm thinkin' ♪

[Distorted music plays]

Can we please just go find this town?

I am not leaving a man behind.

You literally are.

Behind without some sort
of proper burial.

And since I don't have a shovel,
we're gonna cremate him.

We should just leave him
for the bears to eat.

He is a human being, for God's sake.

He's not part of the
food chain, all right?

So let's show him
a little respect and decency

before we light him on fire.

I'm gonna say a couple words.

Bow your head. Kids, bow your head.

No, guys, you don't have to.

[Sighs]

- Dearest Sleepy...
- His name's Morty.

It was a nickname he liked.
Give him that.

[Sighs]

Dearest Sleepy, you were a fine,

fine... fine man.

How do you know, honey?
You didn't even know him.

We had a nice chat for like
an hour last night, okay?

And he made those instructional videos

for everybody to learn
how to fly a plane.

And... I don't know... I just
got a good vibe from the guy.

I know, but for all you know,
he could be a child molester.

- Stop. Stop it with this, please, okay?
- I'm just saying.

Don't ruin my first eulogy.

He was a nice man, okay?

Okay.

Dear, kind, nice Morty "Sleepy" Timmins,

- I pray...
- Are you crying?

[Voice breaking] Please.
I always cry at funerals.

Before we set your body ablaze,

I pray that you have an incredible sleep

on that heavenly mattress in the sky.

Amen.

Good night, my friend. Amen.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Hold... Wait.

- You're lighting it with that?
- Him, and yes.

What else would you like me to use?

- That's our last flare.
- It's our only flare.

So, you're gonna use
our last flare to light him?

Stop staying "last flare"
like I'm running around

wasting flares, okay? There's only one.

And you're gonna use it for that.

What else would you like me
to use it for?

I don't know. Maybe to signal a plane?

Planes fly at , feet.
How high do you think this goes?

I don't know, buddy. You tell me.

I don't know, either, buddy, okay?

But I know it doesn't go , feet.

So, if you're done with all this,

- I'm gonna lay my friend to rest, okay?
- Okay.

[Sighs]

Good night, sweet prince.

[Flare g*n fires]

Oh, sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Damn it! Nate!

I-I was aiming at him.

Kids, come on.

No, listen, he was an old-fashioned guy.

- Come on.
- I'll rub two sticks together,

and we'll make a fire
the old-fashioned way.

You okay? You okay?

It's a dead body.

Guys? Guys? Hey. Hey.

Guys!

♪

Hey. Hey!

You can't just storm off into
the Alaskan wilderness, okay?

Everything out here can k*ll you.

Oh, my God, again, you just told
us we weren't going to die.

I lied to make you feel better

'cause that's what you do
as a good parent.

- What's gonna k*ll us?
- Everything.

What do you want, a list?

Giant mosquitoes, crevasses, avalanches,

a pack of wolves, a single wolf.

- Snakes?
- No. It's too cold for snakes.

You don't have to worry about snakes.

I kind of want to worry about them.

Why would you worry about snakes
when there's so much else, like bears?

Black bears, brown bears,
grizzly bears, polar bears.

There's no polar bears here.

Did you not retain any of the lessons
you homeschooled us with?

No. Because I'm an idiot. Let's go.

- Hey. Stop. Stop. No.
- What?

- Get back here.
- What?

I need your help.
I'm sinking, and I can't move.

Well, climb out.

What do you think, I'm having a spa
treatment in here? I can't move.

Th... Oh, God.

I think this might be quicksand.

Oh, my God. It's mud.

It's not mud.

I'm sinking and can't move.

It is quicksand.

Are you in an ' s cartoon?
It's mucky gunk.

Just climb out of it.

Who cares what you call it?
I'm sinking, and I need your help.

Is quicksand gonna k*ll you?
It wasn't on the list.

Then add it to the list, okay?
And help me.

Help!

♪

Okay. If there's one thing
I know about quicksand,

it's you got to fight it.

[Breathing heavily]
It's like a land riptide.

Just got to... fight it!

Get some!

[Breathes heavily, whimpers]

Boy, throw me a stick.

Oh. Uh, well, what kind of stick?

Anything, just long and sturdy, okay?

You're gonna use all your
muscles to try to pull me out.

Well, hold on.
Why did you ask him to do that?

- What?
- Why not me?

- Or me?
- 'Cause he was closest.

No. I was closest before he moved.

Are you implying
that my request is sexist?

Very much so, yes.

And do you think I give a sh*t
about that right now?

All right, yeah, let
the boy do it because

we know boys are stronger, right?

- Go ahead.
- I never said that.

Well, we're only stronger
'cause of social expectations.

Testosterone is just patriarchy
in hormone form.

[Groans]

Ugh!

- Oh, God.
- Aah!

All right, all right, listen.

I'm gonna show you the true
meaning of girl power.

- Ready?
- No. I can't get my hands out.

Aah! sh*t!
You're both shitty at throwing!

Ow-w-w-w!

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna form a human ladder.

Fast, okay? 'Cause there's
worms going in my urethra.

And you're gonna pull me out
like they do on the "Ninja" show.

They don't do that on that show.

Okay, then on the other show
that comes on after it

that we don't like as much, all right?

Okay, Jared, you go first
'cause you're lightest.

- Quit weight-shaming me.
- Oh, my God. Okay. Then you go.

Men do the dangerous stuff. Typical.

- Well, I can't go.
- Typical atheist...

selfish to the core,
with no moral compass.

Quit it with the identity politics!

There's worms going up my d*ck!

- Here. Grab the stick.
- [Grunts]

Here we go. Okay. Yeah. Good.

Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Brace yourself.

- Brace yours...
- I am bracing myself.

[Grunts] Yeah! Big muscles! Go!

- Oh, God, I'm tipping!
- sh*t!

- I'm tipping!
- That's it.

- Brace me. Brace me.
- What does that mean?

- Please help!
- Okay, here. Take my boot.

Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

No! Don't... No!

- No.
- Ohh. I got the stick.

- I got the stick.
- The stick is useless.

- I got the stick.
- Get off of me!

- Aah!
- Hold him. Hold him.

Idiots.

Here we go. We got it.

[Birds chirping]

[Sighs]

Hey.

Look, I know this is rough, all right?

But I promise you guys we're
gonna get through this.

I promise you, okay?

But we got to stick together.
We got to keep our strength up,

so I foraged us some... some
berries, some wild mushrooms.

No. We're not gonna eat
mushrooms, honey.

We could end up poisoned
or high on a mountain.

I know what edible
mushrooms look like, okay?

And they're delicious.

- Ohh.
- Ew.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's... [Sniffs]

That's pretty good.

And it helps with the energy.

I really think you should try some.

- No.
- No, definitely not.

Berries?

- No. No.
- No.

Definitely not.

All right. I was saving these for later,

but we're gonna need the strength

to get up that mountain, so, uh...

Got some extra lollipops in my pocket.

A little sugar boost
could do us good, huh?

And...

Oh, sh*t. Forgot I had this.

Stripper gave... The
[clears throat] hockey player

gave it to me.

Like a sign from God, you know?

He said, "let there be fire."
And there was.

You know, bodies don't burn very easily.

Oh, my God, you know the creepiest sh*t.

I'm just saying, you have to
get them really hot.

Babe, fire hot, okay?

Tatanka.

That means "buffalo."

[Exhales sharply]

[Dramatic music plays]

Burn on, my brother.

Burn on.

♪

♪

May your ashes ascend to the...

[Thunder rumbling]

Is that thunder?

[Rain falling]

- Aah!
- That's...

- Oh, my God.
- Aah.

Oh, Jesus.

My God, what the hell
is wrong with Alaska?

Oh, God.

It's gonna blow right over.

[Coughs]

Guess I'll have to drag him
up the mountain.

Got to admit, though, sun shower...

it's kind of romantic, right?

Oh, my God, no.

I'm just trying to make
the best of a bad situation.

All right, Sleepy, let's go.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Delilah: Where are we gonna go?

Up the mountain. Let's go.

Find another way, babe.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Birds cawing]

[Grunting] Oh, my God.

[Groans]

[Breathing heavily]

Thanks for waiting.

You ever heard of the expression,

"You're only as fast
as your slowest hiker?"

Well, when your slowest hiker's
carrying a dead body,

you should maybe wait for him

'cause he's doing mankind some good.

[Exhaling heavily]

Well, this view doesn't suck.

I think I see a "chickmunk."

Chipmunk.

- Chickmunk.
- Chipmunk.

Alvin and the Chickmunks.

Chickmunk.

Chipmunk! [Chuckles]

Chickmunk.

Chipmunk.

No. It's just...
It's "chip," like you eat.

- [Laughing, snorting]
- like, "chipmunk."

What the hell are you
laughing at? You all right?

Is it, like, altitude
sickness or something?

What is wrong with you?
What are you, high?

[Snickers]

What's this in my mouth?

- That's your tongue.
- That's your tongue.

- Tongue.
- Ahh.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Try saying "tongue"
without using your tongue.

- He can't do it.
- Tongue.

_

Mm. You girls are gonna like these.

These are gonna get you lit!

Where's Nate? Give these to Nate!

- Oh, sh*t.
- "Tongue." I can't...

- Do it, though. Do it.
- That's all I can say.

- No. You can do it.
- "Ongue."

Um, guys, where are these lollipops?

This?

[Laughs]

Did you say these?

[Laughs] He said these.

He said these?

[Laughter]

Delilah: Okay, okay, okay.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Shh, shh. Dad, shut...
Okay, okay. Shh, shh, shh.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

One more time for me.

You guys ate something that's
altering your state of mind, okay?

But I'm here for you.
I'm your spirit guide.

I'm gonna get you through this.
You're gonna be fine.

- I promise.
- What was it?

Uh [clears throat] it was...
it was MDMA. Molly.

Oh, my God, you fed dr*gs to our kids?

- Wait. We took dr*gs?
- This is dr*gs?

But what do dr*gs do? I mean, am I...

Is it doing it right now?

dr*gs are something that
alters your state of mind.

Am I a time traveler?
I've heard that before.

Yeah, 'cause I just said it

'cause you didn't understand
it the first time.

- Understand what?
- That dr*gs are something that...

- alter your state of mi...
- Alter your state of mind.

- He's got it.
- I knew it.

I've been here before.
I-I need to break the loop.

Okay, everyone calm down,
please, all right?

I can't have everybody freaking out.

About what?

About being high in the
Alaskan wilderness.

- Surrounded by snakes.
- Dude, come on.

Look around. Do you see any?

- See any what?
- Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes!

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh.

Let's... Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Cool, cool, cool.

Cool it, okay? Be cool, okay?

That was a stick.

Stick snakes. Those are things.
I remember from the curriculum.

Wow, Mom, you have such a good memory.

Okay, hey. Hey, everybody
calm down, all right?

Nice, deep breaths.

[Inhales deeply] And, dare I say, relax.

- Oh, say it.
- Say it, man.

- You can say that.
- Yeah.

Wow, you are high.

Okay, and I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,

but, um, try to enjoy
this feeling, you know?

Wow.

Yeah. I hear it.

Hear what?

- Yeah.
- I do. I hear it, too.

What do you hear?

- I hear the mountain b*ating...
- Oh, right.

The b*ating of the mountain.

Guys, guys, wait for me.
I'm such a good dancer.

Oh, you're such a good dancer.

Okay. I forgot you're high.

Let's all do it. You're dancing so good.

Yeah! You too!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

That's it.

[Electronic music playing]

_

dr*gs are the best thing ever.

No, they're not.
I know you feel great right now,

guys, but trust me [sighs]

It's always just better
for your body and mind

to just always say no.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

I know what you're gonna say,
but I'd love to do some more.

- Do you have any more?
- No!

Babe, it's like jumping in a river.

Once you're in, you can't get more wet.

Have you heard of O.D.'ing and,
in your metaphor, drowning?

Hey, kids, I'm gonna tell you something

that squares like this guy won't.

dr*gs are fine. They're fine.

They help women deliver babies.
They help cancer people eat.

They make movies way funnier,
sex way better.

Speaking of which,
we should do it, absolutely.

- No.
- I'm rolling on Molly.

I can see that, yeah.

- I like touching you.
- I know.

I like touching your fur,
your furry arms.

Those are my legs.

[Moans] You know what you look like?

An alpaca. You could be mayor.

I've always wanted to sleep
with a mayor.

Our son is the mayor.

Don't say that. That's gross.

- You said it.
- Come on. Stick it in.

No, baby, sweetie, sweetie,
no, no, no, no.

- What?
- Come on.

Our kids are right there,

playing with a dead corpse.

How you doing, Sleepy?
Getting high, real high?

I'm high.

Yeah. Circle of life, man,

between endless possibilities
and our inevitable future,

between what is and what's to come.

Now spit on it and stick it in.

Okay. Is it in? Is it in?

No.

- Is it in?
- No.

- How about now?
- No.

- Is it in now?
- No, baby, no.

Now?

[Sighs] Yes, it's in.

Well, see, that's nice.

This rope feels amazing.

It feels like silk,
if silk was hard and coarse.

Mmm. Ahh.

It tastes so good. Here. Have a lick.

When I'm gone, I'm gonna
miss you most of all.

Where am I going?

I'm going.

Where?

Far away.

To that tree over there?

Further.

To the other tree?

I mean, he seems shy,

but I'm sure we could be friends.

No. Really, really far,
and I'll be gone forever.

Yeah, I always thought you'd be
the first one to leave.

Mm.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

All right. Bye.

See ya.

Okay, guys, I'm outta here!

What? No. No, you're not out of here.

Wait. Stay. Stay. Hey!

Stop! Stop!

Quit it with this running sh*t.

- Come on.
- Why?!

You know how tiring it is
to run up a mountain?

You need bigger legs to run.
Here. Borrow mine.

No. Keep your legs on!

Be cool, man.

Hey, I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool.

Here, Dad, dare me to throw
my legs down the mountain?

No! I don't!

Should I give my legs
to Sleepy so he can walk?

No. He's dead.

Am I a good mom?

All: No!

Okay. [Chuckles]

Okay, I hear all of you.

I think you're just tired
and a little high,

so we'll continue this
conversation tomorrow.

You're not listening.
You're the worst mom ever.

And I'm well aware of the moms

that poison their
children for attention.

- Okay, get up.
- I am up.

- Right now. Get up. Get up right now.
- I am up.

We're gonna have a
girl-to-girl talk right now.

- Let's go. Come with me.
- All right.

No. Wait. Wait. You're not
going anywhere, either.

- What do you mean?
- You're staying right here.

- We're staying together.
- Try and stop me.

- Literally.
- I... Done, okay?

I think we should all go
our separate ways.

No! We stay together!
Put your pants back on!

- Dude.
- Stop. Stop. Stop.

- Come on, man.
- Stop.

[Indistinct arguing]

- No! No!
- I love dr*gs!

Why would you do that?

Sleepy wanted to go his separate way,

- Yeah, that's nice. Aww.
- Yeah.

♪

♪

[Grunts]

Yeah.

Now you're gonna stay.

[Breathing heavily]

Why do I stay?

[Sighs heavily]

[Echoing] Why do I stay?!

[Echoing] Nate Parker rules!

[Echoing] Whoo!

[Echoing] Nate the Skate!

[Echoing] All day!

That was cool.

[Dramatic music playing]

♪

Definitely here, all right.

Sorry. [Breathing heavily]

Sorry. I'm eight months pregnant,

and this bowling ball is just,
like, pounding on my bladder.

Ma'am, we think there's
been a little foul play

at work here with this family.

We only detect four
sets of footprints...

two adults, two children.

Foul play? No, they're just a...

they're just a boring family of four

trapped in the Alaskan wilderness.

Jesus Christ, how do
I have to pee again?

God.

- General.
- Whoa.

[All grunting]

Whoa.

That's General Morty "Sleepy" Timmins.

He's one of us.

This sh*t just got personal.

Nate: [Echoing] Nate the Skate!