09x09 - Tennis People

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the 's,
my family had

a complicated relationship
with the U.S. Postal Service.

Uh, ma'am? Can I help you?

Sometimes, the mail brought us bad news.

(GRUNTS)

But every so often,
it was life-changing.

- This is from NYU.
- (GASPS)

Good school. You ought to apply there.

I did apply there,

'cause I've wanted to
go there since childhood.

But then I got wait-listed,
which devastated me,

even more so because
my girlfriend's going there.

You got a girlfriend? Good for you!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

- It says I got in!
- (GASPS)

- (CHOIR VOCALIZES)
- Hoo-hoo!

The last moocher's off the books!

- Oh, we did it! We did it!
- How did you...

I've been wearing this under my clothes

since you got wait-listed.

Last month's Indian summer was
particularly hellish.

But it doesn't matter,
because you got in!

The world needs to know.

Then you go tell them, N-Y-Schmoo!

- (LAUGHS)
- And so, I did.

- Hoo-hoo!
- Ahhhh!

And it felt something like this.

Friends! Faculty!
Kids I've made no effort with!

I got into NYU!

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- ♪ Celebrate good times ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Celebrate ♪

Yo, Ball! NYU, baby! I'm in!

Congratulations, Goldberg.

Normally, big musical numbers
require a permit,

but, hey... let's do this.

♪ There's a party goin' on right here ♪

♪ A celebration to last
throughout the years ♪

♪ So bring your good times ♪

♪ And your laughter, too ♪

It was the most amazing moment ever.

It's as if those anonymous dance guys

- were lifting me to the heavens!
- Ha-ha!

And that's when I saw my angel.

Hey, Brea!

So cool you're celebrating my news!

What? No, I'm celebrating my news!

I got into Brown!

- (MUSIC WINDS DOWN)
- Brown University?

- But you were gonna go to NYU!
- It's crazy.

I mean, an Ivy League school
was a long sh*t,

but I got in!

And it's the most amazing
feeling ever, like I'm...

The star of your own

giant, upbeat,
fantasysequence dance number?

Exactly!

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Let's talk more about it at lunch.

♪ Yahoo! ♪

Wait! This feels like a metaphor!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was December st, -something,

and my sister was soaking in

the best part of getting married.

- Where is it?
- The presents.

Right here, Schmoo. (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

A second blender? (SQUEALS)

Now, after I use the first one,

I can just throw it out and
not even bother cleaning it.

For years, I've dreamed of the day

you'd accumulate appliances
you don't need,

and it's happening!

Speaking of gifts,
I would like to give you mine right now.

It would be my honor
if you would allow me

to throw your bridal shower.

That means I get a whole
other mountain of crap?

Mama, I love getting married so much.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh...

- (SQUEALS)
- Thank you, Ginzy.

You are the best.

And I'm gonna throw it in my backyard.

And now you are the worst.

What's wrong with my backyard?

The long list starts with
that family of moles.

We got rid of the moles.

Charles set traps and everything.

Great, now it's a mole graveyard.

(CHUCKLES) Plus, your yard reeks.

It's where I've been dumping
my bacon grease.

That's why the moles showed up!

Ginzy, I love that you want to do this,

but you're gonna have to
dig deeper, okay?

Work that little acorn.

What about the covered tables
at Birmingham Park?

It's my daughter's bridal
shower, not an AA meeting.

Okay, well, there,

there's always
the back room at Il Dolce.

We're not celebrating a
mobster's release from prison.

Um, what about m-my tennis club?

Well, that could work.

Yay! I c... I can...

I can stop sweating now.

While my mom was trying to

secure a venue for Erica's shower,

I was feeling insecure
about my future with Brea.

- Hey. So, Brown, huh?
- I know.

I was surprised, too,

but we both got into our dream schools.

That's exciting.

Yeah, so exciting.

Dream schools! Dream couple!

Dreamgirls is playing on Broadway.

Are you okay with this?

You're doing a lot of nervous talking.

Me? (SCOFFS) I'm more than okay.

I'm the okay-est.

I'm OK Corral. (IMITATES g*nshots)

I'm Oklahoma's postal code.

I'm the first two letters of "okra."

- O-kay.
- Exactly.

Relax, okay?

Nothing can come between us.

I truly believe that.

(SIGHS) Me, too.

Love will find a way.

Love will not find a way.

The second she gets to Brown,

your love will get punched in the face

till its nose bleeds profusely.

My love has a nose?

It has all the body parts.

And you should be taking
your brother seriously.

That has not been my experience.

If there's two things Barry knows,

it's how to get the cream
out of a Chocodile

without ruining its structural integrity

and affairs of the heart.

Fine.

Everyone thinks they can
make it work long-distance,

but statistically,
. % of couples actually do.

Moving past the shaky math,
I'm not worried.

We're gonna cement
our already strong bond

by talking on the phone all the time.

Allow us to show you how that'll go.

I'll be you.

Joanne'll be Brea.

(SLAPS LEG) Good eventide.

I am Brea, last name unknown.

I heard somewhere that
I play volleyball.

Strong out of the gate.

I'm Adam. I make movies

and I once cried at a Clorox commercial.

Can we please skip the backstories?

Bee bee boo boo bee bee bee.

Bee bee bee. Bee bee bee.

Bee bee bee bee bee bee bee.

Seems like you hit enough numbers.

It's long distance.

Boo boo bee bee bee bee boo...

(GASPS) Shh, it's ringing.

Hello, this is Brea at Brown University.

I mention my fancy school a
lot in casual conversation.

(VOICE BREAKING) Hi, Brea?

It's Adam Goldberg!

Adam Who-berg?

Your boyfriend!

Remember, we were confident
we'd always be together?

Ha! Such young fools.

Hold on a sec.

Excuse me, entire lacrosse team?

Give me five minutes to
pretend to still be interested

in my high school boyfriend,

and then you can take me to dinner.

She's dating the entire lacrosse team?

Oh, my appetite for life has expanded

since I left you in the dirt.

Why don't we just talk till
all hours of the morning

- like we used to?
- I can't.

I'm too busy thriving without you.

Pretty soon, I won't even
remember your face.

(GASPS) Whoa, it just happened.

I literally couldn't pick you
out of a crowd.

Okay, I'll call you tomorrow?

Please don't... or ever.

(SCOFFS) Oh.

P.S., I've always had
a crush on your brother.

- Click! Scene!
- Yes!

(GRUNTS)

Okay, you tapped into my
deep reservoir of insecurity.

What can I do about it?

Nothing. It's inevitable.

Life will imitate great art.

As Brea and I were on shaky ground,

my mom's visit to Ginzy's tennis club

had her walking on air.

Oh, my God!

Look at the class coming
out of this place's ass.

(GASPS) Wh...

Is that sparkling water
with pickle slices?

Cucumber, actually.

Shut up, Ginzy.

I just can't believe
you have this secret oasis

of refinement and tennis.

And so much space.

We can double the gift list...
guest list.

Ooh, free pastries.

Well, folks usually just take one.

Okay, yeah, you enjoy. Enjoy that.

I'm so glad you two like it.

It's gonna be a very special day.

Oh, you mean a special life.

I'm joining this [Bleep].

Uh, what?

I mean, can't you just picture me

lounging around in my tennis whites,

sharing a genteel laugh
with other members about

the poor commoners on the
other side of the club wall?

- (CHUCKLES)
- "More pickle water?", "Yes, please."

You actually can't just join.

You have to be admitted.

There is an application
process, interviews...

Mom, if you become a member,
can I have two showers?

One that you host
and one that Ginzy hosts?

Of course you can.
We're tennis people now.

We do whatever we want.

Okay, I'm gonna call Gimbels
and tell them to add

electronics, auto parts,

and anything made of fur
to the registry.

Well, there is a... there's
a small, little obstacle,

because the person who runs
the admission committee is...

Jane Bales.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Beverly Goldberg.

Did one of our members
hit you with their Saab

and then drag you in here
to recover from

what I assume are
multiple facial contusions?

Oh, you're about to see
how good my backhand is.

(WHISPERS) Bevy, no, no!
She's the one in charge.

This changed everything.

My mom's greatest adversary now
held the keys to the castle.

Jane. (CHUCKLES)

You look...

Good in the 'hood.

What are these words?

W-Why aren't you attacking me
based on your jealousy

of my perfect life and slammin' body?

Well, I brought Beverly here
because I am hosting,

um, Erica's bridal shower,

and she just fell in love
with the place, so...

I-I'm thinking about joining.

Oh, now I get it.

That crazed look in your eye is hope,

and it all depends on me.

I know we've shared some
rib-tickling over the years...

You forged a "Do Not Resuscitate" order

and slipped it in my purse.

We have our fun,

but you know what's behind all
that playful back-and-forth?

- Hm?
- Friendship.

Mm. Then, as a friend,

would you do a push-up for me?

- (GASPS)
- A push-up?

I mean, it's an exercise,
so maybe you don't know it?

Sure, I know.

Is there a mat or someplace?

The... The ground. Right here.

(LAUGHS)

Boom! (LAUGHS)

All right, now you do one.

You know, for friendship purposes.

Oh, God, no. I have dignity.

Tomorrow, you and I will play tennis,

and we'll see how fun
you are to have around.

While my mom was hoping to

score tennis points with Jane Bales,

I was worried about losing my partner.

Brea, you and I are doomed!

Guess we won't be breezily
walking to class.

Barry and Joanne said so.
There was role-playing.

Their individual performances
were insulting,

but still, it confirmed
my greatest fears.

Don't let them get in your head, okay?

We're Adam and Brea.

Right. William Penn's power couple.

We're basically the Madonna
and Sean Penn of this school.

Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley.

Mike Tyson and Robin Givens.

Wow, so many incredible
couples built to last.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Just like us.

Thanks. I feel so much better.

But then, something odd
started happening.

Yo, Brea,

wanna hit up the Winter Formal?

- I'm going with Adam... my boyfriend.
- (SCOFFS)

Hence our couple's moniker... Brea-dam.

It's unpleasant to say and hear,
but we're rock solid.

(CHUCKLES)

- And then, it kept happening.
- Brea...

You wanna go to
the water tower Friday night?

I got my cousin's
dirt bike for the weekend.

Can they not see me?

Guys, I'm going out with Adam
Friday night. (CHUCKLES)

And every night.

Well, if things change, let me know.

Nothing's gonna change.

'Cause we're Brea-dam.

Or Ad-rea.

Our names might not fit
together, but we do!

Don't worry about them, okay?
They're just being stupid.

I'll see you later.

Trouble in paradise, Mr. Goldberg?

Alpha males keep asking out
my hot girlfriend.

- Mm.
- Tends to rattle a man.

That's because they smell
blood in the water.

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- What do you mean?

Sharks have an incredibly
keen sense of smell.

Even a drop of sea lion blood
as far away as a mile...

- I've seen all the Jawses!
- (MUSIC STOPS)

I meant, how does it apply to
my situation here on land?

Let's face it...

No one understood how you nabbed
Brea Bee in the first place.

And now everyone knows you're
going to different colleges...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

...there's a feeding frenzy.

- Oh, no.
- (MUSIC STOPS)

And also, you're way more tangled up

in students' romantic lives
than most principals.

It's the only part of this job
that gets me out of bed.

(MUSIC RESUMES)

My mom was determined to become

a member of Ginzy's tennis club...

Even if it meant
being nice to Jane Bales.

Bevy, Jane is just toying with you.

She's never gonna let you in.

Well, I am not above tickling
the turkey's wattle

if it gets me into this club,

which I have always wanted.

You never saw the inside till yesterday.

There's the socially ambitious
gal whose fate I control.

Ugh, what?

Was the phrase "tennis whites"
too complicated for you?

Although, the real takeaway
is how poorly it all fits.

Ooh, great slam, Jane.

You really took me down a peg.

Let's just get this over with.

I'm playing with someone I like at : .

Kapow!

The hits just keep coming.

- Figuratively and literally.
- (GRUNTS)

To the leg...

- Ahh!
- Ooh!

...to the stomach.

That's bringing up the pickle water.

- (GRUNTS)
- To her...

- (GROANS)
- ...lady middle.

(LAUGHS)

- Right in the old breadbasket.
- Aah!

- Whether she was ready...
- (GROANS)

...or even on the court.

Gahh! [Bleep] me!

(SIGHS) And that's the set.

Well, thank you for always
making me feel like a winner.

And if that's not clear,
I'm suggesting you're a loser.

It was.

Oh, iced tea. Thank you.

Don't touch. They're both for me.

While my mom had lost badly,

I was trying to win Brea over

to the idea of college in New York City.

Oh, this seems normal.

I know we both got into
our dream schools

and long distance will % work for us,

but also, everyone hearts New York.

They make shirts about it.

Sure, New York is fine.

Fine? (SCOFFS)

The metropolis that gave us hip-hop

and the Waldorf salad is fine?

Wow, you must be
lightheaded from hunger.

Here, it's from the Katz's Deli,

- an NYC landmark.
- Mm.

And?

- (PLATE THUMPS LIGHTLY)
- It's a good sandwich, Adam.

And in New York, you can
eat one of those every day,

knowing that if your heart
gives up the fight,

you can be rushed to your choice

of over private hospitals.

(SCOFFS)

Are you trying to sell me on New York?

(SCOFFS) I would never.

But is it working?

Adam, Providence has
plenty going for it, too.

Of course!

But name one thing.

Well, I only spent a couple days there.

Seems like an inadequate amount of time

to make a lifetime decision.

Hey, get another hearty taste.

You shorted yourself
on the kraut last time.

I can't believe that you're
trying to talk me out of Brown.

Can you imagine if I was like,

"Providence is so much
better than New York."

I cannot imagine it, because
no one has ever said that.

Whatever.

Maybe New York is the better city,

but the point is, I would never try to

talk you out of going to
your dream school.

(SIGHS)

Give me that.

While Brea hit snooze on
the City That Never Sleeps,

my mom awaited news
on her tennis club dreams.

Any calls?

I'm expecting life-changing
news from the club.

The phone rang. I heard voices, a beep.

Uh, maybe.

(BEEPS)

GINZY: Hi, Beverly. It's Ginzy.

We know, who else sounds like

they're carrying a grapefruit
between their butt cheeks?

Uh, just wanted to let you know
that I heard from the club.

Ooh, here it comes!

I'm gonna be so leathery tan
when I'm old.

And unfortunately,
the board members voted "no".

I'm so sorry.

BEVERLY: You voted against me?

(SIGHS) Lars, give me a moment,

and then let's do that thing

where I pretend I forget
how to hit a backhand

and you hold me from behind.

I voted "yes" on you joining.

- What?
- Yeah.

I would've loved to intimidate you

with my naked locker room stretches.

Somebody else blackballed you.

But everyone else loves my special way.

Mm, well, maybe you should ask
your puckered friend.

(SCOFFS)

I have a naturally pinched face,

and you said that you wouldn't tell!

I lent you my Lars lesson
so you would keep the secret.

My Lars lesson!

Whoopsie.

How could you?

How could I not?

This place is my only
safe haven from you.

News flash... you can be
very mean to me, Beverly.

Oh, listen to you.

You sound like a bleached-out
sack of mulch.

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

And for the record,

most of your insults
don't even make sense!

ADULT ADAM: As Ginzy finally
told my mom to get out of town,

I was hoping the school college fair

could keep Brea and me in the same city.

Sir or madam, I want to go to Brown.

Here's my transcript.

This transcript
is extremely unimpressive.

Indeed, it is.

But my girlfriend is going to Brown,

and I need to be near her.

Let me in and prove to the world
that Brown believes in love.

But we don't. Now, please go.

Psst. Hey, kid.

Aren't you the guy who takes
the photos at the mall?

Uh, I wear many hats,

including a job called "hat wearer."

Monkeys won't sit still for it,
so here we are.

Hey, did I hear you say you're
in the market for a school?

The Providence University
of Technology and Sciences.

- Dean John Calabasas?
- Yep!

I'm also the head of admissions,

and I'll be checking IDs at the library

when/if we get a library.

The great news is,
you just got accepted.

(NOISEMAKER BLOWS)

Welcome to PUTS.

"PUTS"?

That's not well thought out.

Neither is our motto...
"Knowledge is knowing."

Mm. Do you have a film program?

No, but we do have VCR repair.

And if you want to start
a film program, have at it.

I would be closer to
my girlfriend, Brea.

So close.

As a matter of fact,
most of our students

are in a relationship with a Browner.

"Browner."

Is that what you call
people who to go Brown?

Absolutely!

- It's not.
- See?

You're already learning.

You know what?

She's that important to me.

I think I'm gonna do it.

Hey, it's the guy
who sells yo-yos at the mall.

Oh, those are light-up yo-yos.

There's a distinct
and beautiful difference.

I found a school close to Brown.

They don't have a film department,

but the VCR repair program
is pretty close.

What are you saying?

I'm saying our problem is solved,

'cause we'll both be in Rhode Island.

Adam, you can't just give up NYU!

Well, someone's
got to give up something,

and you sure aren't.

Whoa, so this is my fault?

No, not fault.

I just wish you cared as much as I do.

Adam, of course I care.

Sure, you just have
a funny way of showing it,

because you're doing everything
you can not to be together.

(SCOFFS) Well, you're
right about one thing.

I definitely don't want to
be with you right now.

Ohh. (LAUGHS)

Hey, you got into NYU?

Wow! Do you want to come teach at PUTS?

ADULT ADAM: My Mom's hopes

of joining the tennis club
had been thwarted...

And even worse, it was
because of her best friend.

You are not gonna believe this.

Then it's best to keep it to yourself.

Jane Bales didn't blackball me...

Ginzy did.

She says she needs a place
where she can hide.

Well, who does that rotten
cantaloupe think she is?

(GASPS)

You're gonna get this. I feel it.

Murray, have I become an insult comic?

Hey, there's no one your
friends want in their corner

more than you, but you...

You do give them
the business quite often.

But that's who we Goldbergs are.

We're business-giving people.

Sure, but the blonde neighbor
lady may have a point.

You here to dump your
breakfast fats on my lawn?

No, no. We pour them
down the storm drain now.

Ginzy, I haven't treated you kindly,

so I am going to apologize

for everything I've ever said to you.

Okay, well, that's not necessary.

Like the time I called you
a leather-faced manatee.

Bev, you don't have to
list each and every...

No. Ginzy, I love you.

You deserve this.

I should not have said

that you were dumber
than a river weasel.

You are nothing like
a bag of loose poultry.

And I didn't mean it when I said

you have the face of an
alcoholic bottle-nosed dolphin.

- I meant that for Essie.
- Thanks.

Nor do you have an ass like a
deflated balloon left in the sun.

Okay, some of these are just

kinda stinging me all over again.

You are not a human version of cramps.

I don't remember that one.

And you are not
the last doll on the shelf,

the one that's been
dropped too many times

and maybe stepped on.

(VOICE BREAKING) And I mean that.

Ginzy, I may not have a right
to ask for forgiveness,

but I'm going to anyway,
because I can't lose you.

You're my best friend.

Well, it does mean a lot to me

that you came over here
to apologize in your way.

And I know that
when it comes down to it,

that you're always there for me.

So, you forgive me?

Of course.

That's what friends do.

In that moment,

my mom put her dreams
of the tennis club aside

for something much more important,

while my dreams of things
working out for me and Brea

was slipping away.

Hey.

Still playing with those
Cabbage Trash Friends?

Garbage Pail Kids.

They're the only thing in my life

that's still in mint condition.

Tell Barry your woes.

You were right.

Brea and I won't be able to
make it work next year.

Come fall, she'll be doing
body sh*ts off lacrosse bros.

Ah, don't be stupid.

They'll be doing sh*ts off of her.

Oh! Not helping!

I wish she'd just let me follow her.

(SCOFFS) And not go to NYU?
You can't do that.

I know.

But if I go, I'll lose her.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

You know, long distance is hard,

but that doesn't mean it can't work.

I wish I just knew for sure.

There's only one thing certain here,

you can't get in the way
of each other's dreams.

Okay?

Thanks, Barry.

I know what I need to do.

- Tony's Italian.
- What?

It's an amazing pizza shop
in Providence,

some say even better than New York.

Lemme guess... you got a job there?

No, I'll be going to NYU.

But when I visit, we can grab a slice.

So you're okay with all this?

I'm not saying it's gonna be easy,

but we'll figure it out together.

(BREATHES SHARPLY)

Sometimes, holding onto someone
means letting go a little.

(CELEBRATION PLAYING)

You know, we still could have
done this at the tennis club.

No, this is perfect.

I couldn't have asked for
anything better. (CHUCKLES)

Other times, it means
letting go of the past...

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

...as we look forward to the future.

♪ Let's celebrate ♪

When we take a moment to appreciate

and cherish the people in our corner...

...every day becomes a celebration.

♪ It's a celebration ♪

Well, looks like Geoff is spending

an extra couple days
in Miami with your grandma.

- Uh-oh.
- You poor thing.

What are you two dopes saying?

Boop-boop-boop-boop boop-boop-boop.

Hello? It's Miami Jefe.

"Jefe"? You changed your name?

I changed a lot of things.

I live on a cigarette boat now

with Dan Marino and a sassy alligator.

(SCOFFS) Well, I'm just
in my parents' basement

- with my stupid bangs.
- Hey.

I'm leaving you to party with
Daisy Fuentes in Little Havana.

(SOBS) Bye.

Click!

Hey, you know what?
Let me get in on that, actually.

- What?
- Oh, um...