02x03 - Brotégé

[bunniefuu]

Hey, slow weekend in Chicago.
Only sh**t.

Move your finger.

Oh.

I was covering the third digit.

(chuckles)

At least the Bears had a close game.

Move your finger.

Oh.

Hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

- I got to go.
- Hey, hey.

Bathrooms are for customers only.

Oh, come on. I drank three cups
of your coffee this morning.

This is just completing the transaction.

Once you leave,
we reset the toilet clock.

Okay, uh...

Fine. I'll take this one.

Hey!

Did everybody see that?

Yeah, that was crazy.

It landed right on a napkin.

(cash register beeping)

She has the nerve, throwing out my food?

She sells kale-wrapped tofu?

That's a thing that nobody likes.

Wrapped in a thing that nobody likes.

I want my money back.

The toilet's broken.

Well, if it's an emergency,
might I recommend

the candle shop across the street?

No matter what you do in there,
it always smells like lavender.

Just use the men's room.

Okay.

ARTHUR: Hey, Franco.

What are you doing here?
It's your day off.

Oh, well, Sweatpants and I are
meeting our little brothers.

Oh, that's right, you guys are
doing that volunteer program.

I wish I had that much free time.

Well, there's two hours
I'll never get back.

So many kids in this neighborhood

grew up without a dad.

I know it sounds corny,
but it'd be great to make a difference,

even if it's just for one kid.

You know,
boys that grow up without a dad

are twice as likely to go to jail.

And to date me when they grow up.

I just think if I'd
grown up with some cool

older dude who had my back,

- I wouldn't have ended up in some dead-end...
- Hey!

...magical palace.

Yeah.

Uh, so, if y'all are wondering
why I became a Big Brother,

well, it's all about making a difference

in a young man's life.

You just said that.

Oh. The hot girl's here.

I think it's really great

that you guys are giving
back to your community.

SWEATPANTS: Yup. My little brother

and I have so much in common.

We both enjoy monster
trucks and mashed potatoes.

And his name is... Sweatpants?

Oh, I'm reading the wrong section.

(laughs)

You do realize that taking care of a kid

is not just trucks and potatoes.

I mean, uh, it's a big responsibility.

Yeah, but I'm up for it, dude.

It's gonna be a dope-ass day.

- Besides, kids love me.
- Of course they do.

You look like a cartoon character

who's gonna teach him
a rap about hygiene.

All I'm saying

is I know I'll be a great dad one day,
'cause I'm fun,

unlike my dad, who's such a hard-ass.

Oh, you didn't get along with your dad?

Nah. My dad kicked me out when I was ,

before stomping on my dreams
of becoming an artist.

I saw myself as the next Van Gogh,

and he saw me as the next van driver.

You saw yourself as the next Dali,

and he saw you pushing a dolly.

Yeah.

You saw yourself as Monet.

He was trying to get
you to make some mon-ay.

♪ ♪

Did you know that plumbers
are charging bucks an hour?

You can get a hooker for that.

Hey, Tush, how much would you charge?

It depends.
Do I have to act like I like it?

No, I mean, to fix the toilet.

Oh. Sorry. I can't help you.

I got a hand model gig this afternoon.

Can't mess with the money makers.

Guess I'll fix it myself.

Damn it! The screen froze again.

I hate this stupid thing.

Just hit the escape key.

Oh!

Not with your fist!

Is there something you
want to talk about?

- Like what?!
- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe the fact that
you got sh*t last week.

Why would I want to talk about that?

Because it was a traumatic experience,

and I'm worried about you.

Look, if you don't work
through these emotions,

they're gonna build up,
and you're gonna snap.

What do you know about that?

. John Deere Factory.

Dave Sikorski lost his
finger to a buzz saw.

Came back to work the very next
week like nothing happened.

Later on, we go to a Cubs game.

Someone gives him a foam finger,
he has a nervous breakdown.

Tush, I am a Chicago cop.

I have been through way more
traumatic things than this.

I've seen things that would
make your eyes pop out.

Like watching people's eyes pop out.

You want to talk traumatic?

An hour ago,
I had to help Oven Mitts over here

in the men's room.

FRANCO: Here we go.

Little brother on deck.

Am I looking at a fellow
mashed potato enthusiast?

- Please don't be Franco.
- Ah.

I'm Franco. You must be Andre.

- Yeah.
- Yo, man, come here.

Everybody, meet my little brother Andre.

- They have rules about touching.
- My bad.

Well, I hope they don't
have rules about having fun,

'cause you ready for the
best day of your life?

Okay, but I have to be home by : .

I'm defrosting a chicken,
and it has to go in the crock pot.

Oh, cool. You a cook, little man?

Yeah, my mom works two jobs,
so I'm the one who makes dinner,

- and I am not serving fish two days in a row.
- Oh, okay.

Well, I hope you ready to
go to the United Center

and watch the Bulls practice.

Oh. I'm not a big basketball fan.

Oh, come on, man.
Look, you ever seen a sh**t-around?

There was one in my lobby last night.

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, but can we stop by Food Less?

They have chicken stock
on sale for cents.

Seriously?

Hey, pick me up a couple of cans,
would you?

Hey, little guy,
you look like a mashed potato lover.

What is it with you people
and mashed potatoes?

Oh, I-I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to meet
my little brother here.

His name is, uh, Sweatpants?

I'm Sweatpants.

But I'm a big boy now.

Well, you filled out
the little brother form.

You know, I was wondering
why they were asking

for my mama's signature.

I mean, she's the grown-up.

She should know better.

Damn. I've paid a lot of money

for these tickets to the Black Circus.

I've never been.

Well, I guess we could...

I'd love to!

Hey, man,
you're gonna love the Bulls practice.

And afterwards,
we can go to Gino's for some lunch.

bucks for a pizza?

How much are you paying this guy?

Too much, apparently.

Enjoy your dope-ass day.

SWEATPANTS: Come on, Kenny!

We gonna miss the blacrobats!

Hey, look who's back! It's Boyz II Man.

The Jackson Two.

Earth, Wind, but no Fire.

Did you guys have a fun time?

Sure, if you like basketball...
and trespassing.

What?! No. We just so happened
to sneak through a door

that my buddy Jamal left open,
that works security.

Maybe not the best job for him.

(in high-pitched voice):
Maybe take a seat.

(in normal voice): Huh?

What's up with that kid, man?

We saw the Bulls practice.

You know where my dad took
me when I was his age? Sears.

'Cause he needed my Social
to open a credit card.

I'm still paying off a microwave, man.

Franco, you just have to find something

that you and Andre have in common.

Yeah, like bitching.

You're both good at that.

Has Arthur fixed the toilet yet?

- ARTHUR: You son of a bitch!
- (clanking)

You think you're better than me?!

You know, you have to admire Arthur.

He's not afraid to show his emotions,

unlike some people I know.

Tush, would you give it a rest?

I am fine about the sh**ting.

There's not some big
breakdown waiting to happen.

SOFIA: Are you sure?

I got mugged once,
and I thought I was fine.

Two weeks later, I started sobbing

at my friend's bachelorette party.

Oh, the naked fireman was very confused.

Why are there never any strippers

dressed as dry cleaners?

It's a very sexy profession.

It's not just my shirt that's well hung.

What you doing?

- Drawing.
- Oh, you like to draw?

Dude, I'm an artist!

Oh, my God.
I just thought of a great idea.

Yo, you and I are gonna do
an art project together.

- Hey, yo, Arthur?
- Yeah.

I just found a way to
connect with this kid.

Yo, can you watch him real quick?
I'll be right back.

What? No. No!
No, I-I'm busy fixing the toilet!

Can't anybody else watch him?!

Uh, I got to go back to my store.

I have to get back to my truck.

I was sh*t.

Well...

I can't be late for my hand job.

I've never been in a ladies'
room before.

It's just like the men's room,
except they flush.

- Why are you doing that?
- Look, kid, I got to get this done.

- I can't explain every little thing.
- No.

I mean, why are you doing it like that?

You're fixing the wrong
thing with the wrong thing.

Excuse me.

Your problem is the chain's too long.

You just got to snug it up,
then tighten this hose.

(toilet flushes)

How'd you know how to do that?

A lot of stuff in my building's broken,

and there's nobody around to fix it,

so I had to teach myself.

Wow.

That's really sad.

How are you with leaky dishwashers?

So, when you're done,
I got a mixer that's on the fritz,

and I got a crooked
shelf out in the shop.

Just write it all down. I'll get to it.

Andre, great news, man.

I walked past this b*rned-out meth lab.

We got to paint a mural on
it before they tear it down.

Sorry, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.

ARTHUR: Yeah.

We just fixed the toilet.

We? I fixed the toilet.

This one sat there scratching himself.

(laughing): I just love it
when this kid busts my chops.

Andre, no, man.
We're doing an art project.

Look, I got spray paint.

Need a driver's license to score this.

But Arthur's letting me do this.

This is the funnest day ever!

(Arthur laughing)

Hey, yo, Arthur, what...
what you doing, man?

Saving bucks an hour.

Nah, man, you're stealing my kid!

I'm not doing anything.
The kid's having fun.

Turns out a broken
toilet is his Disneyland.

Come on.
Yo, this is... this is insane, man.

Like, h-how could he like you
more than me?

Nobody likes you more than me!

What can I tell you, hmm?

You can't force a kid to do
something he doesn't want to do.

Oh, really?
And what makes you such an expert?

Hmm? What you know about kids?

Yeah, you're right.

What do I know about kids?

Except this one likes me more than you.

Man, what is wrong with him?

I remember a time when a kid
couldn't wait to deface a meth lab.

Yeah, that was
my favorite part in Tom Sawyer.

Franco, you got to be patient.

Nobody's gonna bond with their
little brother on the first day.

- (giggles)
- The Black Circus was amazing!

Yeah, the audience was just
as entertaining as the show.

, people,
all yelling at the lion tamer,

"Don't go in there!"

There you go, nice and snug.

What's next?

Well, the bench outside's
a little creaky.

Not as creaky as your knees.

(laughs)

There he goes again. Chops busted!

Uh, Tush,
what's this e-mail you just sent me?

Oh, just a video
I thought you might enjoy.

This'll open up the ol' tear ducts,

and those repressed feelings
are gonna come pouring out.

Look at that.

That kitten thinks that
German shepherd is his mom.

I hate cats.

All right. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, no! Look at that.

That squirrel thinks
that slipper is his dad.

I hate confused rodents.

Tush, I'm surprised you're
having this much trouble

making a woman cry.

I know. If this was a blind date,
she'd be sobbing by now.

I love that you want to help her,

but Randy seems pretty direct.

Tricks aren't gonna work on her.

Hey, Randy.

I just want you to know

that this is a safe space,

and I'm here if you want to talk.

Because you went through
something really traumatic.

I mean, I can't even imagine
what it's like to get sh*t.

Would you like me to show you?

Yeah, it's not happening.

Yes, ma'am, you heard me right.

I want to return my little brother.

Yeah, he's in mint condition.
I mean, he might...

he might smell like old man and toilet,
you know, but that's...

What are you doing?
You're sending him back?

Yeah. You saw. We're just not clicking.

Like Tupac and Biggie.

Or... Kanye West and anyone.

You can't return him. He's a kid.

A great kid.

If you think he's so great,
why don't you take him, all right?

We're just not connecting, okay?
I don't want him.

ANDRE: Excuse me,

I fixed the bench.

Shame on you.

Were you able to get to the shelf?

- Where's the kid?
- He's out front.

He ain't talking to me.

Well, I don't blame him.

You really screwed this one up,
you know?

You can't just quit on a kid, you know.

Why are you yelling at me?

Because you made a commitment!

You just can't return him,
like I returned that shirt

you gave me for my birthday.

You returned that?

I thought you loved it.

It said "Bone Thugs-N-Harmony."

I don't even know what those things are!

You know something,
you're just as bad as your own dad.

- N-No. Nah. Yo, I ain't nothing like my dad, man.
- Oh, really?

You loved art, he didn't care,
so he quit on you.

Now you got a kid who loves things

that you don't care about,
so you're quitting on him!

Why are you piling on me, though?

I already feel bad enough.

Yeah. Well, I know a little
boy that feels worse than that.

And might know where
my socket wrench is!

Have you looked up your ass,

or is your head in the way?

You know something, I changed my mind.

There are some people you quit on.

Oh, my. Would you look at this.

Three-legged dog,

hasn't seen his master in years,

manages to hop across
the Florida panhandle...

Tush, you are not gonna force me to cry.

I'm fine.

(door opens)

Yo, how have you been
friends with Arthur this long

and not strangled him?

Well, with his personality,

I just figured somebody
else would do it for me.

What did he do now?

He's busting my ass about this kid.

Mm. Yeah. Anything with kids

brings up all the stuff
he's gone through with Lucy.

Who's Lucy?

His daughter.

What?

He never told me he had a daughter.

He doesn't talk about her much.

They have a really rocky relationship.

In the sense that,
when they're together,

it's kind of like the
big fight scene in Rocky.

Joanie was the glue
that kept them together.

And then she d*ed.

I actually don't think
they've spoken in... years.

That's terrible.

I'm trying to picture a woman
that looks like Arthur, and...

it's terrible.

You know, I think he's just afraid

that you're gonna make the same
mistakes that he made with her.

Yeah.

And I really feel bad for him.

I wish they'd patch things up.

It's not like he's gonna live forever.

And, you know,
you never know what can happen to you.

Right before I got sh*t,

I had this big fight with my daughter.

And when I think that, you know...

maybe that would have been the last...

the last time I ever talked to her, I...

(sobbing)

May I cut in?

Yeah.

(sobbing)

There, there. Let it out.

Oh. And how did that dog

make it all the way across
Florida on three legs?!

I know.

It's such a big state!

That's it.

Hey. Where'd you get the donut?

Look, man, I'm...

I bailed on you, man, and-and...
But I'm here right now,

and I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry.

I have never heard a grown-up say
"I'm sorry" before.

Really?

Well, once, my mom apologized

for putting ketchup on my meatloaf.

I mean, I made gravy.

You do a lot of stuff
around the house, huh?

I have to.

Most of the time, it's just me.

I feel you.

I used to have to work
two jobs after school

to support my family.

Oh, you got paid for your jobs?

I have to vacuum the lobby so the super

doesn't turn off our heat.

(chuckles): Oh.

All right. Okay.
You have a vacuum cleaner?

Well, my mom used
to wet me in the bathtub

and make me roll around on
the carpet to pick up crumbs.

Oh, you had a bathtub?

I run through car washes.

(laughs) Okay.

Okay, you win. You win.

So, look, man.
We got, like, an hour left, man.

Is-is there anything
that you want to do?

- Do you have an Xbox?
- Yeah.

I got a Xbox. You trying to play?

Actually, I've always wanted
to take one apart

to see how it works.

Okay.

All right.

I guess we're gonna take apart my Xbox.

You know how to put it
back together, right?

- We'll find out!
- (groans)

(door opens)

Yo.

I just dropped off Andre.

He wanted me to give you this.

He calls it Chicken à la Andre.

What is that glaze on top?

I think it's melted gummy bears.

Oh.

He's .

Yeah. Well, I'm seeing Andre
next weekend, by the way.

Oh, good for you. You didn't quit, huh?

Yeah.

And you didn't tell me
you have a daughter.

I didn't? Huh.

I wonder why I didn't tell you.

Oh! Right.

'Cause it's none of your damn business.

(sighs)

Her name's Lucy.
She lives in Schaumburg.

We don't talk.

Why not?

(sighs) She's been mad at
me for a very long time.

I don't remember why.

Either I didn't let her go
to a Tears for Fears concert

or I gambled away her college fund.

I'm-I'm-a go hard college fund
on that, Arthur.

We just drifted apart. (grunts)

It happens.

We're very different people.

Okay. Well...

(clears throat) a friend once told me

that you never quit on a kid,

no matter how different you both are.

Why don't you call her?

Look, trust me, she doesn't want
to hear anything I have to say.

Okay.

Minding my own damn business.

Have a dope-ass night.

Hey, Franco. I called my
daughter and left a voice mail.

And thanks for getting
that ball rolling.

You're gonna be happy you did that.

So, I'm trying to picture your daughter.

Like, is...
More chest hair than you or less?

SWEATPANTS: Yo!

Kenny, what are you doing here?

Wait, you got us tickets
to the Blackhawks game!

Well, I'm going to the game

but... not with you.

I don't understand.

Look, Sweatpants, you're great, but,

come on, man,
we both know this can't last.

Why not?

Well, for starters,
you're a grown-ass man, and...

well, that's pretty much it.

Kenny, can we go?

I don't want to miss the face-off.

Hey, Sweatpants,
this is my new little brother, Herbert.

I see.

Hello... Herbert.

All right, we're off.

Hey, Herbert.

(voice breaking):
You better be good to him.