02x14 - High Class Problems

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no, forget it.

Great. The guy at the marina
said my motor just b*rned out.

I forgot you had a boat.

I told you I go
motorboating every weekend.

I thought that meant something else.

It's gonna cost me $ ,
for a new one, hmm?

Now, how am I gonna come
up with money like that?

Why don't you raise your prices?

You haven't done that for a while.

She's right.
Your prices are almost as low

as the free donuts at
the homeless shelter.

What? It's on my way home from work.

When was the last time
you raised your prices?

I think it was during the Bush era.

RANDY: Which Bush?

Father? Son?

Burning?

No, I'm not doing that.

I-I'm afraid I'm gonna
scare away my customers.

But the neighborhood is gentrifying.

These new people can afford it.

They have money to burn.

Just around the corner,
they opened up a new cheese store.

So?

It's for cats!

I-I got to think about
this pricing thing.

I'll be back.

Good morning. What can I get you?

I don't know.

- What's good today?
- Huh, let's see.

Well, if you're in for
something sweet and chocolaty...

I am very uncomfortable with
this level of customer service.

Oh, my bad.

Hey, everybody, meet Tavi.

She's a grad student at the
art department at Dearborn.

Wow.

Smart, beautiful, artistic.

What you doing with this guy?

(laughs)

You must be Randy.

Franco's told me all about you guys.

You must be Tush, and...

you're the greedy slumlord.

Hey.

I'm also a greedy dry cleaner.

(mouths)

Here you go.
So, uh, what we doing tonight?

'Cause I was in the
mood for something free.

Ah.

Tempting, but I'm busy.

I bet I could think of some way
to make it up to you tomorrow.

What, with, like, sex and stuff?

(groans)

Fine.

I'll walk you out.

What do you guys think "stuff" is?

I think it's nachos.

ARTHUR: Okay, I've reached a decision.

I'm gonna raise my prices.

Oh, well, that's progress.

Next step,
stop referring to Wi-Fi as "witchcraft."

What kind of price hike we talking?

Well, everything's
just gone up cents.

All right, ten cents.

A nickel.

Hey.

Would you come with me
next time I buy a car?

♪ ♪

Look at this.

They found another head
on Lake Shore Drive.

I wonder if it matches
the torso over on Clark.

Or that ear they found on Sheffield.

Yeah, it's like
a bloody Mr. Potato Head.

ARTHUR: Hey, morning, Tush.

- The usual?
- No. Swimsuit season's coming,

so half my usual.

Three glazed, coming up.

Oh, Tush, uh,
that'll be another cents.

Remember, I raised my prices today?

Oh, right, no problem.

Can you spot me cents?

Oh. He only needs .

Well, I don't know about you,
cheapskate, but I tip.

Hey, Franco.

FRANCO: Tavi.

Hey, Sweatpants, Arthur,
Sofia, meet Tavi.

Hi. Sofia.

I love the blue in your hair.

Thanks. I love your green.

Oh, that's kale.

I lost the lid on my blender.

So, we were in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd swing by

and show off my new man.

- (chuckles)
- Patrick, Jasmine,

- this is Franco.
- What's up?

Hello. Oh, don't be offended
if Jasmine doesn't speak.

She's taken a vow of silence
for her performance art project.

How do I get my wife
into performance art?

Hi, um, I'm Arthur.

PATRICK: Tavi, doesn't he look

just like the groundskeeper
on your parents' island?

What... your parents have an island?

And a handsome groundskeeper?

So, what,
is your family rich or something?

Well, my dad's done pretty well.

He runs a hedge fund.

SWEATPANTS: My dad had a hedge fund.

He was saving to buy
clippers to trim our hedge.

Yeah, we had a hedge.

(chuckles)

Oh, don't forget, uh,
my art show starts tonight at : .

: it is.

P.S., we also had a shrub.

FRANCO: Hey.

Sweatpants, all right,
it's kind of a big deal, all right?

Not just anybody can get in.

Oh, no, he can come.

It's just a preview.
You know, collectors, friends,

and whatever you are.

Oh, well, last night I was
the guy at the Genius Bar,

and you were a girl
with a very dirty iPad.

(giggles)

I got a role for you to play.

You're the employee who sweeps
up the very dirty kitchen.

Thank you, Arthur.

If I ever need to last longer in bed,
I'll think of you.

All right.

Ooh.

A three-dollar donut hole?

I'm intrigued.

Ooh, damn it.

Oh, the printer made a typo.

Yes, they did.

It's supposed to say $ ,

but because Arthur
cares for his customers,

you pay only three.

Fine, I'll take half a dozen.

But no more.

Swimsuit season's coming.

That'll be , uh... dollars...

Isn't that a lot of
money for donut holes?

This pressed juice cost $ . .

I'm happy to pay for
things that are authentic.

Well, no one is more authentic
than Arthur, over here.

Yeah, these donut holes
are artisanal, uh,

small-batch...

cruelty-free.

I can taste the craftsmanship.

This flour is definitely locally sifted.

People should know about this place.

Gramming it!

(camera phone clicks)

Well, enjoy your holes.

(scoffs) I can't believe
that I got away with that.

RANDY: You know, Arthur,

honest businessmen don't
usually refer to a sale

as "getting away with it."

And when we said to raise your prices,

we didn't mean, like,
a thousand percent.

She makes a good point.

Hey, it's called capitalism.

You charge what the market will bear.

He's right.

It is called capitalism.

No, it's called
taking advantage of people.

Which I hate. It's disgusting.

Taking advantage? He was happy.

And Arthur needs a boat motor.

He's way too old to paddle.

ARTHUR: Y-Yeah,

you know what? Fawz is right. I mean,

if they're willing to pay,
who am I to stop them?

I'm just saying, you're gonna regret it.

You'll thank me later.

- Hey.
- Yo.

Tavi seems cool.

Mm-hmm.

Too bad it won't last.

What the hell are you talking about?

We have a lot in common, man.

She likes skateboarding, kung fu movies,

and we're both tired of white
people talking about Hamilton.

Franco.

She's rich.

Really rich.

And you're not.

Really not.

So?

So all rich girls go through this phase.

She just wants to slum
it up with a bad boy.

(scoffs) I'm not a bad boy.

You grew up in the hood,
you're a tagger,

you've been arrested.

To a rich girl, you Tupac.

I think what Sweatpants is talking about

is virtue signaling.

You bet I am.

But you might want to spell
it out for these folks,

in case they're not as bright as we are.

Well, it's when
you hang out with someone

of a lower social status
so that people can think

you're more open-minded and progressive.

That's the definition I use.

Okay, that's not
what's going on here, all right?

So I'm not letting you and
Sweatpants get in my head.

Enjoy your coffee.

So, Sofia,
you think Tavi is using Franco?

(chuckles softly)

(singsongy):
Sounds like someone's jealous.

Just because Franco and
I hooked up a few times

doesn't mean that I'm
gonna get all jealous

when he starts seeing someone else.

Or, alternative theory, you're jealous.

I don't need to listen to this.

I'm an intersectional feminist.

Sweatpants, tell them what that is.

Lady crossing guard.

And Sweatpants, you're wrong about Tavi.

She ain't going through no phase.

I just don't want you to get hurt.

Sooner or later,
all rich girls end up with rich guys.

Just 'cause she got money,
it's not gonna affect

- our relationship.
- I don't know.

She could be using you
to piss off her dad.

Yeah, I've been the bull in
that rodeo plenty of times.

I've pissed off boyfriends, mothers

and a whole lot of people on a
webcam I didn't even know about.

(indistinct chatter)

Franco.

Hey, Tavi. Mwah.

Hey, Sweatpants.

Yo, your pieces look amazing.

Yeah, this is trippy.

How much weed do you smoke?

Just edibles.

So, Tavi, will your enchanting
friend Jasmine be here?

I was hoping to chat her up.

She will, but don't waste your breath.

She hasn't spoken in six months.

A car ran over her foot,
she didn't make a peep.

Really? Well, let's see what happens

when this car runs over her heart.

Oof. Why didn't you tell me
this thing was all fancy?

Don't let this intimidate you.

You know what I like
to do at these things?

- What?
- Play a little game

called "What's Their Deal?"

Pick anyone here.

Okay.

How about that old dude right
there with the young lady?

She's in it for the money,
he's in it for the kidney.

(laughs) All right.

Okay. What about that dude?

So I said, "If that's a shark,
I think I'll buy a submarine."

(group laughs)

I bet the only reason they're laughing

at that corny-ass joke

is 'cause
he's the richest dude in the room.

He is.

He's also my dad.

Oh.

Franco, this is my dad Jeffrey.

I think you've mentioned
this young man, Octavia.

- Octavia?
- Oh, that's right.

Since she started grad school,
she's calling herself "Tavi."

Part of her whole bohemian phase.

"Phase," you say.

"Phase," he said.

So, did you two meet at Princeton?

Uh, no, Franco's a freshman at Dearborn.

He's putting himself through school,
working full-time,

at a donut shop.

Impressive.

I know, right?

His dad kicked him out when he was .

He had to live on the street.

You should speak to my breakfast club.

Can you be in Miami next Tuesday?

Yeah, if I start walking now.

(laughs)

This one's a breath of fresh air.

So what kind of art do you do?

- Well, I...
- Oh, he's a street artist.

Fascinating.

Just between you and me,
have you ever been arrested?

Do I have the right to remain silent?

(laughs)

I'll take that as a yes. (laughs)

Warren,
you got to hear this kid's story.

Actually, uh, I-I got to get going.

But it was nice meeting you, sir.

Good night, Octavia.

Hey. Are you leaving?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Look, you and your dad,

y'all gonna have to find another
"bad boy" to show off.

What's that supposed to mean?

It feels like you're using me.

Like I'm some mascot from the hood

that's supposed to show
your family and friends

how "woke" you are.

Okay, you don't know me well enough

to speak to me like that.

And that is not who I am, at all.

You're right.

I don't know you.

Or your real name,
y-your family background,

or that your dad owns an island.

He doesn't own an island.

He owns a compound, a beach and a reef.

- Okay, that's an island.
- That's an island.

But what difference does that make?

I thought we had a connection.

So did I.

I'm just saying,

I love a girl that's soft-spoken.

So we should go get drinks,
maybe go dancing...

No!

♪

There you go, a dozen donut holes.

That'll be bucks.

Uh, two dollars for the box.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You plant that box,
it'll grow into a tree.

Is that true?

No. (chuckles)

Capitalism, it's fun.

This whole time,
I thought I was teaching you, but you...

...you were teaching me.

Superior Donuts is one of the
last holdouts of old Uptown.

What are you gonna do next?

Sell wheatgrass juice and B- sh*ts?

If they be $ , I'm in.

Don't listen to her.

Business is about making money.

Look, Arthur, I'm just saying,
this is not who you are.

I know who he is,

a man who can finally afford underwear

for the first time since Watergate.

Yeah.

Hello, Arthur, Randy, Fawz.

Not me.

- Excuse me?
- I usually sit over there.

I've asked Arthur to put a
plaque that says "Tush's Stool."

For some reason, he won't do it.

- Sorry, got here first.
- Oh.

By the way, your hair's on upside down.

You okay?

Absolutely.

Business is booming, that's great.

Arthur's great.

- Everything's great.
- Mm.

You just said "great" three times.

I know. Isn't that great?

All right, Arthur.

I got more three-dollar donut holes

for you and your fancy new friends.

Hey, would you mind taking my picture?

And can you get the old
guy over my shoulder?

He's so authentic.

(chuckles) Well, yeah. Yeah.

All right.

There you go.

By the way, you look just
like that dude from Hamilton.

Look at us, Arthur.

We're both props for rich people.

Hey, come on, what is your problem?

You're cranky all day.

Just hate how money messes people up.

Hey, people with money
are just like you!

But better.

- Hey, Franco.
- What's up?

What's wrong?
Arthur show you his new underwear?

Nah. Broke up with Tavi.

What?

- But I thought you really liked her.
- I do.

I did.

Yo, is it weird
talking to you about this?

'Cause, you know, we used to...

Teach sign language to gorillas?

We're friends, you idiot.
Now tell me what happened.

Okay, so I went
to her art preview, right?

And I met her dad,

and I think you were right about
that virtue signaling stuff.

Oh, no, no,
that's not what I said she was doing.

I was just explaining what
Sweatpants was talking about.

Well, then Sweatpants was right.

Did you hear what you just said?

I know. I know, but you should've saw

how she was telling her dad

how I was putting myself through college

and what an amazing achievement it was.

She was saying nice things about you?

What a bitch.

It was her tone,

like she was slumming it with me.

And let's face it, she is.

Oh...

I get it.

You're scared that you
don't belong in her world

and that it won't work out,
so you dumped her

before she could dump you.

I ain't scared.

Okay, lame, pathetic, insecure...

Okay, go back to "scared."

Look, maybe it won't work out,

but you'll never know if
you don't give it a chance.

- You're right.
- Yeah.

All right.

Thanks, Sofia.

- 'Kay.
- All right.

Hey, Tush. What's wrong?

Arthur show you his new underwear?
(laughs)

Yes.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize.

Yeah, I acted like a
complete ass the other night.

And I'm sorry.

It just felt like, you know,
I was your little project,

and you were Sandra
Bullock in The Blind Side.

You thought I was judging you?

When the second you
found out I had money,

you started making all
these assumptions about me.

I know. It just felt
like you were showing me off

for your friends and your-your dad.

I was!

Because you're interesting.

You really think that
just because I have money,

I can't appreciate you for who you are?

And I knew my dad
would love your stories

because he's really into street art,

which you would have known

if you would have actually talked to him

instead of just writing him off.

I'm sorry.

I am, too.

I really like you,
but if you can't figure out

how to be comfortable
around me and my family,

this is never gonna work out.

Mr. St. Clair,
I hear you like street art.

- Franco, actually, I do.
- Yeah?

I got a story for you.

Um, this one time,

I climbed out of the th story window

to paint this black Jesus

on the side of the Hammersmith Building.

I own that building.

Want to hear another story?

- Uh...
- So, that was you.

I liked it.

I painted over it and
fired the security guard,

but it showed a lot of talent.

Did Tavi tell you I
have an original Banksy?

What?

Really? Yo, I'd love to see that.

It's in London.

Oh. I'm not a strong swimmer,

but if the tides are right,
I can make it there by July.

(laughs)

If you want to go to London,
we do have a plane.

Oh. Like the Avengers?

That's nice, Dad,
but I don't know if this "bad boy"

will feel comfortable
riding in a private jet.

I-I can, I can suck it up for you.

(laughs)

Hey, look at this.

The Cubs lost another starting pitcher.

Yeah, I refuse to watch any sport

that doesn't include women.

What's this guy's problem?

I don't see a guy, I see a person.

- Gender is fluid.
- (scoffs)

I'm out.

There you are.

I'm here because I forgot my umbrella.

Hey, come on. I miss you guys.

Where you been for the last two days?

Oh, just a lot of gigs and stuff,
you know.

Hey, wait a minute.
What's that on your face?

Is that powdered sugar?

No. No.

It's, uh, it's cocaine.

Yeah, I, uh, really been
getting into the old nose candy.

Oh, really?

No. We were at Excellent Donuts.

- What?
- Yeah.

Because they sell cocaine there.

No, it's because it's quiet

and not crawling with hipsters.

So you guys are gonna bail on me

just because I want to
make a little money?

I might be out of line here,

but don't you already
have everything you need?

I mean, you own the building.

And you don't actually need
that boat motor till the spring.

TUSH: If you needed underwear,

you could have just
borrowed some from me.

Arthur,
I've been coming here my whole life.

And I always thought
you loved this place...

(humming "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

...not because you were gonna get rich,

but because you got to spend
every day with your friends.

- Tush!
- Sorry.

- Ugh.
- Sorry.

I'm just saying,

this place is more
than a business to us.

It's like a second home.

I think you feel the same.

All right, attention!

I got an announcement to make.

I'm lowering the price of
the donut holes to cents.

Why?

Because the flour's not locally-sifted.

I buy it from China by the metric ton.

And then I throw in some
white sugar and lard,

and deep-fry the living crap out of it.

What is this doing to my body?

I don't know, but it's nothing good.

Take a look at him.

I turn next week.

Arthur, what's happening?

The suckers are leaving.

Oh, who cares?
Let somebody else rip them off.

You know why I wake up
at : every morning?

To pee?

No, that's at : .

I wake up at : to
make the best damn donuts

in Chicago for the best
damn people in Chicago.

(all cheering)

Free donut holes on me.

Oh, Arthur, that was amazing.

How did you think up all that stuff

about the lard and all
the garbage that you use?

What do you mean, "think up"?
That's my recipe.

Oh.

You did say "free," right?