02x15 - The Chicago Way

[bunniefuu]

Oh, thank God
you're relaxing your policy

on drinking in the shop.

(stammers) That's a no.

Forget you ever saw this.

No, no,
the health inspector is coming today

and every year,
we do a little gift exchange.

I give him a bottle
of -year-old Scotch

and he gives me a passing
grade on my inspection.

Uh, that's an expensive-looking bribe.

How unsanitary is the kitchen?

No, no, no, no.

The kitchen's fine,
but they just keep putting in

these picky regulations that
have nothing to do with health.

So, I'm spending and
saving , on repairs.

The Chicago way, baby.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave this bottle here

in case I'm out when, uh, Phil comes by.

No, not-not...
leave me out of that stupid-ass bribe.

Why? How come?

'Cause these things always end bad.

My pops used to make me run
a wire through the light pole

to get free electricity.

That explains the hair.

So, when the people from
the city came to bust him,

he made me take the blame for it,

and they took me in for questioning

and scared the hell out of me.

Bright side is dude in holding
gave me my first joint.

Well, look, you know,
I don't make the system.

I'm just trying to survive here.

But the regulations
are there for a reason.

If you don't follow them,

you end up with the drinking
water in Flint, Michigan.

Nobody drinks it.

It's just called water now.

FAWZ: Well, I'm with Arthur.

Regulations are k*lling business,

like with dry-cleaning chemicals.

You take the good with the bad.

A crisp, clean shirt,
some unexplained blindness.

Well, aside from you two criminals,

there are plenty of people
who follow the rules.

Like me.

I spent all weekend scrubbing
every part of my dirty grill.

Oh, stop it. That's not a metaphor.

It is now.

Hey, everybody. Guess what?

I passed my exam.

I am officially a detective.

(all cheering)

- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Randy, that's amazing.

Yes, let's celebrate.

Tush, it's : in the morning.

Forget you ever saw this.

Now I just have to wait and find out

what neighborhood I'm assigned to.

There's some pretty plum ones,

- like the Gold Coast.
- Mm-hmm.

And then there are the
armpits of the city.

You mean there are worse
assignments than Uptown?

No, I meant Uptown.

But hopefully I don't
have to worry about it.

I have this colleague who's
gonna help me get an assignment

that's not so m*rder-y.

You want a bottle of bourbon
to grease the wheels?

'Cause I guess that's how
things work around here now.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's, uh, that's Scotch.

The bourbon's for the
building inspector.

I'm looking for an Arthur Prizzy...

Prizby... Arthur?

That's me!

- Can I help you?
- I'm Irene

from the Health Department.

I'm here to do the inspection.

Uh, where's Phil?

Phil's taking a leave of absence.
It's private.

Well, he's in a facility

in Minnesota.

It's Hazelton. I shouldn't say any more.

It's rehab for booze.

Yes, I know. I got it. I got it.

Hear that, Arty? Old Phil's gone.

So, Irene,
you want to get to your inspection?

The kitchen's this way.

Hold on, hold on, uh, hold on.

You know, when Phil was here,
we'd kind of ease into all that

and, uh, you know,
have a little small talk.

(chuckles) Catch up on his,
uh, Scottish friend.

Are you friendly with the, uh, Scottish?

So, Irene, the kitchen's this way.

If a sprinkle starts moving,
it's not a sprinkle.

ARTHUR: Oh, hey, uh, fine.

You-you don't care about
the Scottish people?

How do you feel about the -year-olds?

Is that how old the coffeemaker is?

(laughs)

That came off as a joke
because I struggle with tone.

But if the coffeemaker
is any indication,

the kitchen is going to
be quite an adventure.

Here we go.

Oh, what the hell, kid?
I thought you were on my side.

There's a lot of stuff around
here that needs fixing.

All right? And this is the
only way you're gonna do it.

Yeah, we all need to follow the rules.

Oh, that reminds me.

I have to go hose down my grease trap.

I bet she does. (laughs)

Oh, grow up.

♪ ♪

Oh, boy, that inspector lady's

writing a lot of stuff
on that clipboard.

Well, if you need
to burn the place down,

I know a guy who can arrange for
oily rags near a water heater

for a bottle of ouzo and a leg of lamb.

I'll type up my report

- and get it to you tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.

I would fax it,
but your fax machine is broken,

which isn't really a
health inspector thing,

but you should get it fixed.

Nah, fixing stuff is overrated.

My left hip's been
clicking for years.

Sounds like I got a
woodpecker in my pocket.

But it still gets the job done.

I have no depth perception in this eye.

Why am I telling you this?

Shut up, Irene.

She's an odd duck.

We're gonna have to fix a lot of stuff

if we don't figure out
what makes her quack.

Or maybe she's an honest
person who isn't bribable

and we have to do the
work to get up to code.

No. Everyone has their price and
I'll figure out what Irene's is.

Come on, man, there's still stuff
around here that needs fixing.

You know, one of your ceiling
tiles is a Doobie Brothers album.

Oh, so, you're gonna volunteer

to fix whatever she has on that list?

- Absolutely.
- What about the hairnet?

The health code requires

that all employees must wear a hairnet.

Okay, well, hey,
if-if that's what it takes, cool.

You buy a box of hairnets,
I'll wear the hairnet.

Okay, fine. Fine.

Bam. How's it look?

Like you're wearing my maternity
underwear on your head.

This is so weird, man.

I-I feel like it's
sucking up all my swag.

I'm totes freaking out.

- What's happening to you?
- I don't know,

but I-I suddenly need
a pumpkin spice latte

and some yoga pants.

Damn. I'm becoming a basic white lady.

I love basic white ladies.

Sometimes when I go to a wedding,

I'll grab a couple glasses of rosé,

then ask the DJ to play Maroon

and look for the nearest gal screaming,
"This is my jam".

I still go home alone.

(laughs) So, what else is new
down in the Chicago PD?

I heard that Mercer got in an
accident and lost his hand.

Yeah, he's got a fake one now.

Oh.

The captain says we're not
supposed to say anything,

but we've been asking him to open
a lot more pickle jars than ever.

- (laughs) You bastards.
- (chuckles)

You know, I would've gone
with a ketchup bottle.

It needs more fine motor skills.

(laughs) See? It's this kind of thinking

that got you bumped up to detective.

Speaking of,
I was at a Bulls game with Rostenko

and that Gold Coast assignment
is looking good for you.

Really?

That's great.

Thanks for putting a word in, Ted.

Hey, us vets got to stick together.

Yeah. I really appreciate it.

Speaking of which,

I need a favor.

There's this rookie, Vanessa King,

who logged a complaint about me with HR.

What?

We have HR?

Right? I was just as shocked as you.

Anyway, look,
I probably made some stupid joke.

Can you talk to her?

Just tell her I'm an idiot.

Oh, don't worry about it.

She probably knows you're an idiot.

- (chuckles)
- But, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

I'll talk to her.

Ah, thanks for having my back, R.D.

- You're the best.
- No problem.

I'm gonna go make Mercer salute me.

Sometimes his hand just flies right off.

(laughs)

(sighs)

So, what was that about?

Oh, my old supervisor has a problem.

This female rookie reported him to HR.

I'm gonna go help him out.

Oh, reported him?

Like a sexual harassment thing?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm sure she just misread
his lame sense of humor.

You know, that station is like
a middle school locker room.

You'd be surprised how
many times the conversation

turns to nuts and balls.

Well, maybe you should
find out what happened

before you decide she misread something.

Sofia, it's complicated.

The police station is
not like an office job.

Well, I temped a few days
at Hewlett-Packard.

Those people are animals.

Well, sure it's complicated.

It's always complicated.

It might be worth hearing
her out before you back him.

I'm not backing him.

I'm helping her.

I'm advising her so that
she can survive that job.

Ugh, last night I watched

a House Hunters International marathon

and, oh, that show is like cr*ck.

All right, basic white lady,
stop busting my chops.

Take that damn hairnet off.

Okay.

- Hello, Irene.
- I have your report.

I don't know how you've gotten away

with not fixing these
things in the past.

Well, if you can answer that,

you'll also find out
why Phil's in rehab.

Thank you.

Damn, Irene, you're thorough.

Eight pages?

Oh, I must've left the rest in my bag.

It's okay, dude. We'll handle it.

- Don't worry about it.
- (groans)

No. Everyone has their price.

We just got to find hers.

(clears throat) So, Irene, uh,

that's an interesting
scarf you've got there.

Do you like scarves or
travel or counting money?

I try not to have too
many outside activities.

They interfere with my
seasonal depression.

Although I do enjoy the theater.

One could say I am a comedy buff.

Really?

She says we got to
have three new drains?

She's hilarious.

(chuckles) You're hilarious.

Seriously, he's so funny and charming.

Who?

Arthur.

He's delightful. Is he married?

I did not see a ring.

What you mean?
When you, like, chop down a tree

and count how old it is?

I happen to have a thing
for experienced men.

Ugh.

She says we need new buckets.

You know what this is? A bucket list.

(laughs) Arthur.

You should be on stage.

Are you familiar with The
Second City comedy troupe?

They're a hoot.

I have an extra ticket for this weekend.

Um, and Arthur loves the theater.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.

Arthur, can I see you
in the kitchen, please?

Arthur, I found her price... you!

- Really?
- Yes.

She just asked you out.

- So go, romance her.
- Oh...

First of all, you a ho.

And secondly,
if you even think about doing this,

you a old ho.

Oh, relax. I'm not gonna go
on a date with that woman.

And I'm not a ho.

It'll save you thousands of dollars.

All right, I'm a ho.

Where the hell have you been?

I thought you were...

- Well, I thought you were, uh...
- (clears throat)

Dead. He thought you were dead.

No, I was out late,
so I slept through my alarm.

Right. So, uh, how did your sleazy date

with the inspector lady go?

Actually, it was fun.
We went to that comedy show.

I don't like those kind of places.

Too much improv.

You have to write things down
for it to be really funny.

What matters is not that
you had a good time,

but that she had a good time.

Oh, no, she had a great time.

We went to dinner,
and then went to the show.

Clothes stayed on. (chuckles)

Or did they? (laughs)

No, they stayed on. (grunts)

FAWZ: Good for you, Arthur.

I'm glad it went well.

Not me. I was hoping
you felt used and ashamed.

No. I enjoyed Irene's company,

and she definitely enjoyed mine.
(chuckles)

So I think we can say
good-bye to this repair list.

Bye-bye.

Hey, y'all.

Hi, Randy.

Did you have your talk with that rookie?

Oh, yeah, I did.

I think she really
appreciated my advice.

She just needs to learn how
to navigate the boys' club.

I was in a boys' club.

They used to make us swim naked because

they didn't think we'd wash our trunks.

Well, uh, what happened
to you was not okay.

But we'll-we'll talk about that later.

So she was not being sexually harassed?

It was just dirty jokes
and inappropriate comments.

Ted got drunk one night and
asked her out on a date.

I told her it'd be better for her

if she just dropped the whole thing.

Hmm. Wouldn't it be better

if you encouraged her to speak up?

You know, if she's uncomfortable,

then that's a problem.

If I complained every time

some jackass crossed the line at work,

I wouldn't have lasted a month.

You got to have thick skin.

Thick skin?

Why should she have to change? Or you?

Why don't men change?

Hey, I don't want to,
you know, butt in or anything,

but it was like I was telling Arthur,

just because you grew up in a bad system

- doesn't mean you have to keep playing by their rules.
- Yeah.

Well, I just think
I've had enough experience

to know when not to make waves.

Please, Randy.

You ladies are always making waves.

It's gotten to the point where
men can't say anything anymore.

You say horrible things all the time.

Yeah.
Think of the things I keep to myself.

I thought you were a feminist.

No, I don't think it's for me.

Don't talk to me about being a feminist.

I was one of the first
women on that force,

in the trenches.

And I've been fighting this fight

since before you were even born.

As long as you keep playing by
the rules of the boys' club,

there's always going to be a boys' club.

Not mine. Feds came in and shut it down.

Not sure why.

I'm sure you've had
to put up with a lot,

but don't you want to
protect other women

from going through the same thing?

I am protecting her.

And I don't need a
lecture on how to do it.

This is what I love about America.

The men do something wrong,

and the women end up
fighting each other.

Hello, Arthur.

Irene. What brings you here?

Just checking to see how
much progress you've made

on your violations.

Progress? Violations?

- I'm confused.
- Why?

Well, I thought
we had a good time last night.

Yes, it was pleasant.

But what does that have to do
with addressing your violations?

Well, I thought that our
friendship persuaded you

to, uh, well, you know, uh,

look the other way.

So going out with me was a bribe?

No, no. No?

I'm gonna have to report
this to my supervisor.

What?! No, hey, hey, come on.

It's out of my hands now.

Bribing a city official
is against the law.

That's rough.

Breakup and a felony
all in the same moment.

Been there, brother.

I promise I will never leave you again.

Deluca. Hey.

You're ready to go back, huh?

Looks like you're a little rusty.

You only hit it once.

No, that's eight sh*ts
through the same hole.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

I know g*ns get a bad rap,

but they're really fun.

Hey, you get a chance
to talk to Vanessa?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

I think I got through to her.

She seemed to appreciate my perspective.

Ah, thank you so much.

You can't even tell a
dirty joke these days

without worrying some
girl's gonna report you.

Well, it's not easy
being a woman on the force.

Yeah, but you got to toughen up.

You know what you're signing up for.

It's a boys' club.
That's never gonna change.

You've always known how to roll with it.

Laugh about it, right?

Didn't mean I thought it was funny.

What are you talking about?

The only reason I'd laugh
is because if I didn't,

you guys would ice me out.

Come on, those were good times.

We'd go down to Murphy's,
throw back some whiskey,

toss some darts.

Of course,
if we did it the other way around,

O'Connor would still have both eyes.

Right. Darts.

And then, after a few rounds,

you'd decide to teach me
how to throw properly.

Which meant you'd put
your arms around me.

- We were just having fun.
- No, Ted.

You were having fun.

I didn't love your stories of
your gross one-night stands,

your backrubs.

Didn't seem to have a
problem with it then.

Oh, I did.

But I had a kid,

and I couldn't afford to lose that job.

And then when I would
say something to you,

you guys would call me
a bitch behind my back.

Yeah, I don't remember it
like that, so...

That's convenient.

Considering you were
doing it constantly.

Well, no more.

I'm going to HR.

I'm backing Vanessa.

- Now, you've got to be kidding me.
- Mm-mm.

No, I'm not.

Well, if I'm such a bad guy,

guess you won't be
needing my recommendation.

Okay, the repairs are done.

That's , bucks down
the brand-new drain.

Thanks a lot, kid.

I told you, man,
you don't play by the rules,

it'll bite you in the ass,
just like last night's

episode of The Bachelor.

There's a reason why Brittany
didn't get that rose.

Yeah, she put out.

And sluts get cut.

ARTHUR: Well, it's Detective Deluca.

How's that cush new
assignment on the Gold Coast?

Yeah, about that.

I, uh, took some advice
from a friend of mine

and decided to go to
HR and back Vanessa.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I used to think it was
better to not rock the boat,

but now I think it's
time to blow that ship

right out of the water.

Yes! That's awesome.

And look, I... I really admire you

and all that you fought for.

You had to deal with a lot of crap.

Yeah.

Including my new assignment.

Let me guess. (blows raspberry)

Uptown?

Yep. Turns out Ted really knows how

to put the "dic" in "vindictive".

But, they scheduled a hearing

for Ted and Vanessa for next week,

so he knows where HR is now.

Arthur Priza... Prizbazu...

Arthur?

Yeah, it's me.

Yeah, I'm Craig Trevino,
City of Chicago Health Department.

Okay, before you say anything,

I fixed everything on that list.

Plus, she asked me out.
Hashbrown "me, too."

You bribed a city official.

Even if you fix the violations,
there's still the matter of the fine.

The fine?

Well, that's what you get for
trying to cheat the system.

- Bet you never do that again.
- (stammers)

That's , bucks.

Look, I don't make the rules, okay?

I'm just a guy trying to do his job,

make it to the end of the day

so I can go home, relax,
and have a drink.

A nice drink.

I'm sure you understand.

I think I do.

Yeah, it's great to kick back
with a... Scotch?

As long as it's old enough to vote.

Something like this?

It was in the lost and found.

Oh, I've been looking for you.

Seriously? Y'all some hos.

Oh, come on, face it, kid,
that's just the way it works.

You can't change the system.

The Chicago way, baby!

Unbelievable.

I can't even. I'm just gonna go home,

and run a hot bath and
play some Ed Sheeran.

Oh, my God!

Get this thing off of me!