02x19 - The ICEMen Cometh

[bunniefuu]

Good-bye, everyone.

Don't you mean hello?

Oh, Arthur.

I'm really gonna miss
our morning banter.

Franco.

(grunts)

You always listened to my stories

even though everybody else
said they were boring.

I'm glad that's how you saw that. Damn.

Sweatpants.

- I never knew your real name.
- Well, actually, it's...

Now I never will.

All right, all right, enough of that.

What the hell is going on?

I have diabetes.

Oh, my God. That's awful.

Did the doctor say what kind?

Oh, I didn't see the doctor.

I got a blood test and
picked up some brochures.

I got all the symptoms.

Okay.

"Water retention, lack of milk,

raw nipples"...

It's the wrong brochure.

I just like the pictures on this one.

There.

Says I have to cut out carbs,
fat, sugar,

all the major food groups.

Oh, you still can come in
for coffee, right?

What, and be around
all of this deliciousness?

You know I have no willpower.

I used to be a pack-a-day smoker.

Yeah, I know, but you quit.

By eating donuts.

Tush, if you're worried,

why don't you try
switching to vegetables?

Sofia, this is a very serious problem,

and I do not appreciate your sarcasm.

Randy Deluca.

Come here.

Randy, there's no easy way to say this.

It's never going to happen between us.

Oh, Tush.

You couldn't handle all this, anyway.

Hey, what's happening?

Thinks he has diabetes,
can't have donuts,

acting like he's dying.

Well, I have one last good-bye.

Aw, Tush.

Where is he going?

FRANCO: To the bathroom.

It's where he spends most of his time.

You know, I have some bad news, too.

A bunch of ICE agents are
doing a sweep of Uptown

and I have to be their local liaison.

- Immigration agents here?
- Yeah.

And you're cool with helping
them round up innocent people?

No. Chicago Police can't arrest anyone

based on their immigration status.

But the feds can and we
have to babysit them,

which sucks because then
we're caught in the middle.

Oh, golly gee.

Are the po-po having a hard time?

Yes, we are, smart-ass.

You know, ICE is just doing their job.

But the next time there's a hit-and-run,

no one's gonna report it

because they're gonna
be scared to talk to us.

ICE? I love ICE.

Or as your people call it, La Migra.

You know, if I could check a box
on my tax returns

to give all my money to ICE, I would.

Actually, I tried.

I made my own little box,
but they said no.

Man, how you gonna be
pro-ICE and an immigrant?

Because they go after the people
who came here the wrong way.

I came in the right way.

I filled out the forms.

I-I waited in line.

Well, your line is a lot shorter
than it is for Colombians.

You know, it could take at least
a decade just to be eligible.

Oh, lucky me.

When the Marines blew up my house,

they gave me a Big Mac and a green card.

I just hate it how liberals expect us

to ignore the immigration laws,

but we got to follow all the other laws.

Is your car still parked
in that fire lane?

Yeah, I'll move it in a sec.

The point is that I salute

the brave men and women of ICE

and their very cool windbreakers.

Brave? Some of the people they go after

did not choose to break the law.

They came here with their
parents when they were babies.

Okay, well, what if a baby robs a bank?

You're telling me that
baby shouldn't be punished?

You're right. He should go to baby jail.

Is that real? Don't mess with me.

Nobody would have to break
the law if this country

had a comprehensive immigration policy.

ARTHUR: Exactly.

Immigration is what
made this country great.

I mean, we're all
from somewhere else, right?

Yup. Fawz is from Iraq.

Your parents are from Poland.

My grandparents are from Italy.

Ooh, do me! It ends in Chicago,

but before that,
it's real uncomfortable.

This isn't funny to the people
who are spending their lives

looking over their shoulders,

praying that their families
don't get torn apart.

Well, now,
she's really worked up over this.

Well, her parents are immigrants.

Yeah, it makes you wonder
if maybe she's illegal.

Has anyone seen her passport?

Yeah, Fawz.

I'm sure she's heading
for the border right now.

Well, it does look like

she's saying good-bye to that new guy

who works in her truck.

Right. Yeah. Something's
definitely going down, man.

You know, if Arthur and I
ever hug like that,

- one of us better be dying.
- Hey.

(speaking Spanish)

Oh. (speaks Spanish)

He's my friend. Wh-What's up?

So, everybody inside thinks
that you're worried about ICE

'cause you're here illegally,
which I don't think is true,

but if it is, just blink twice,

I'll make a diversion and
give you a head start.

No.

I'm not worried about myself.

I'm-I'm worried about my brother.

Franco, this is Rafé.

What's up, man?

He's undocumented and if they find him,

he could be deported.

You know, whenever I got
kicked out of the movie theater

for sneaking in,
I would wait about minutes,

just come back through the fire exit.

You might've just realized

that I am not an expert on immigration.

♪ ♪

All right, okay, so,
how are you not illegal but he illegal?

Uh, we prefer the term undocumented.

No human being is illegal.

Yeah, I was just about to say that.

I'm a citizen because I
was born in the States.

Rafé is two years older.

He was born in Colombia.

Yeah,
I only know what Colombia looks like

from coffee commercials.

Oh, and season one of Narcos.

- That's a good season right there, man.
- Right?

- I love some Narcos.
- Okay. Thank you.

Enough.

Okay, so, what are you doing in Chicago?

I thought y'all family
was from Wisconsin?

He had to leave last week

when ICE raided the bakery he works at.

Yeah, if they pick me up,
I got to go to Colombia

for the rest of my life,
which might only be for a couple hours

'cause I'll have to choose between g*ng
"A" and g*ng "B."

I don't even know the g*ng names.
I'm in trouble.

Sofia, since I can't eat donuts anymore,

do you have something in
a healthy morning snack?

Uh, people like my chia pudding.

Oh, well, I love my Chia Pet,
so what the hell.

Can you give Tush a chia bowl?

Ah.

Ooh, God.

It's like my taste buds
are committing su1c1de.

Oh, sweet, sweet death, take me now.

I mean, thank you.

So what do we do now?

Well, we keep you out of sight

while ICE is in the neighborhood,

and just go to my apartment and lay low.

No way.
They got my ID in the bakery raid.

They can track me through family.

I can't put you in any more danger.

Danger?

It's almost never enforced, but yes,

I can go to prison for harboring him.

All right, well, I would let you
stay with me in my neighborhood,

but the police harass anybody
darker than Vin Diesel.

No. I-I need someplace no
one would ever drop by,

like-like a hermit cave

where an old, lonely shut-in would live.

- Arthur.
- Arthur.

- Arthur.
- ARTHUR: Just hang on.

Give it up, Fawz.

Building a wall is not a solution

to the immigration problem.

You're right.
That's why I want to build two walls.

You better not be talking about Canada.

They got the friendly white people.

Not Canada. I want to build one
wall across our southern border

and one around Nancy Pelosi.

You're an idiot!

- Three walls.
- Oh.

All right, I got to get going.

Got to go meet the ICE guys.

Oh, uh, yeah?

What, they doing raids right now?
Uh, where?

Oh, I can't tell you.

These pain-in-the-ass fed guys

are so touchy about their
"secret raids."

Off to the lumber yard.

Oops.

Hey, man, can I, can I talk to
you in the kitchen real quick?

- Just real quick?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, come on.

You know, Arthur, I'm glad.

Know why I'm glad?

Because we're on the same page

about this whole immigration thing.

Well, no, it's an important issue.

In fact, I just gave a donation
to the Family Freedom Coalition.

Yeah, they gave me a tote bag
and a hand-crank flashlight.

You know?

I-I'm the battery.
See? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Cool. But, look,
how would you like the chance

to really change someone's life?

- What do you mean?
- Okay.

So, you know how Sofia
was hugging that guy

- outside her truck?
- Mm-hmm.

That's her brother
and he's undocumented.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, how would you like to,
uh, let him stay with you

for a couple days till ICE
is done sniffing around?

(gasps) With me?

What happens if they find him here?

Well, technically, you could go to jail,

but Sofia says that rarely ever happens.

"Rarely ever"?!

No, no, no, no. That's not enough.

- Uh-uh.
- Come on, man.

You know what they do to
pretty boys in prison?

No, no, I'm not breaking the law.

Come on, Arthur.
But the law's not right.

They're brother and sister

and one's documented, the other's not.

- Oh, I see. I know what's going on here.
- What?

Look, if you want to impress Sofia,

just buy her a malt

and take her for a spin on
the bumper cars at the fair.

First of all,
I would need a time machine

to even go on that date.

- All right?
- Mm.

Secondly, you know I got a girlfriend.

- It's not about Sofia.
- Exactly.

I thought you and Sofia were
supposed to be cooling it

so Tavi wouldn't get jealous.

You changing the subject.

I'm trying to help a friend
'cause her brother's in trouble.

I appreciate that, but I'm sorry.

I'm not sticking my neck out
for someone I don't even know.

- Come on.
- All right, look.

If it helps,

give her brother this. Here.

There. Okay.

(grunts)

SOFIA: Hey.

What did Arthur say?

Uh, he said no.

But after I told him
how serious this was,

he said hell no. So...

Okay, I-I-I guess I could see

if my friends in Michigan can take him.

Or we can put him in the basement.

- But what if Arthur finds out? He's pretty sharp.
- ARTHUR: Franco!

Get in here!
My finger's stuck in the flashlight!

I think we're good.

Tush, what are you doing here?

I thought you were gonna die of
"beeties."

Sweatpants is helping me
develop some willpower,

so I can still come in
here without eating donuts.

Eh-eh-eh, and what do we call them now?

- "Do-nots."
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know why,
but knowing that you can't eat these

makes them even more delicious. Mmm.

You are a monster.

Hey.

- How's my brother?
- He's good.

I just, uh,
checked up on him down there.

Actually, I didn't.
That basement kind of terrifies me.

There's a hole in the floor
I think is a gateway to hell.

Thank you again for doing this.

No problem.

But how long does he have to be
down there, and what's the plan?

Well, he came to Chicago to get a lawyer

so he can start the process
of becoming a citizen,

but now that's on hold until
we can get him someplace safe.

Hmm... Okay.

Well, look,
if he can survive that basement,

he can survive anywhere.

I-I swear to God there's
a goblin down there.

- Oh, damn, it's ICE.
- Oh, my God.

Why did Randy bring them here?

I don't know. Let me find out.

- Hey, Randy. Randy!
- Hey.

What's going on?

These gentlemen and Cheryl,

who's a real hoot,

need to search at least
ten businesses a day.

So I thought we'd check out this place

while I have a cup of coffee.

- Oh, but you know there's nothing going on here, so...
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah,
I told 'em this place was clean.

Unless you're a health inspector,

in which case you might
want to call for backup.

(laughs)

Randy, you should do Def Comedy Jam.
Right, Cheryl?

(Franco laughs)

Look at that,
a bunch of true American heroes...

and Randy.

You know,
if you guys want to slap him around,

I'll look the other way.
Oh, actually, no.

I'd like to watch.

FAWZ: Arthur.

ICE is in the house.
Whatever they want is on me.

Guys, if you want
the best donuts in Chicago,

you should go to Excellent Donuts.

They are truly excellent.

Some would say superior to these.

Hey, hey, don't take it out on me

just because people don't like
your gravel and dirt bowls.

Oh, my God! Look at all these customers.

Y-You know what,
we should get some more mugs.

Yes! More mugs!

Good idea.

Sir, we'll need to audit
your payroll records.

Yeah, of course. Uh, anything you need.

Uh, I'll be right back.

- Franco.
- (shrieks)

Hey.

Why you going down there?
We got plenty of mugs up here.

I know. I'm getting the basement mugs.

They're fancier, you know?

Nothing too good for
those American heroes.

You're terrified of that basement.

Yeah. Uh, that's why I go down there.

To make myself feel less terrified.

You know? So, if you'll excuse me,

I got some soul-searching to do.

Hey, come here. Wait.

What's going on?

Remember how I told
you how Sofia's brother

needed a safe place to stay?

- You mean he's down there?
- Uh-huh.

- This place is crawling with ICE!
- I know.

If they find him,
I'll get thrown in jail!

It's cool.
It'll probably be just a fine.

A fine?!

No, I'd rather be in jail.

I told you I didn't
want to get involved!

- You had no right to drag me in this.
- Yell at me later, man.

Can you... can you go
out there and distract 'em

while I sneak Rafé out the back?

What, me?
I wouldn't even know what to say.

You'll be fine. Just think of something.

- I don't know what to...
- Shut up, y-you'll be fine.

- Okay. All right, I got it.
- Okay, okay.

Uh, sorry, everyone.

I'm afraid you're all
gonna have to leave.

- Why?
- A-a broken sewer pipe.

And a gas leak. Oh, rats.

That's "oh, rats,"
like "I'm so disappointed."

But we do have rats.

Oh, damn.

How many people do you employ here?

- Just me.
- Just Franco.

He's American. Franco-American.
Remember those guys?

They made spaghetti
with the tiny meatballs.

Arthur, why are you acting so nervous?

These guys are not
interested in that weed

you keep in the coffee can.

Franco and I borrowed that.

All right, we need to do a search.

- You take the bathrooms. I'm gonna check the back.
- Uh-uh! No, wait!

I can't have strangers in my kitchen.

Oh, relax.

I'll go with him. Just in case he...

accidentally cleans something.

Yes! We're doing a raid!

You're not doing anything, sir.

RANDY: Yes, you are much better utilized

out here.
We are gonna make you a spotter.

Ooh, I've heard of that.
Yes, yes, I will wait right here.

I will be your eyes and ears.

Okay.

Hey, uh, should you leave me with a g*n?

A Taser?

A flashlight?

Even the mall cops get flashlights.

- Where's that door go?
- Uh...

nowhere. It just stays right there.
(chuckles)

I'm gonna take a look.

Uh, I'll go with him.

- Oh, you're going in here? Okay.
- Okay. Okay.

All right, cool.

Hope you like demons.

Oh, God, it's over.

I can't believe it.

It's not over.
Is there anything we can do?

No. Uh, they're gonna take
Rafé to a detention center,

and then they're gonna
send him back to Colombia.

I have to call a lawyer.

I need to call my lawyer also.

'Cause thanks to you, I'm screwed.

I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help her.

No, you were trying to be
a hero and impress Sofia.

And now I'm gonna pay for it.

Oh, here we go.

- All clear.
- All clear. Oh, all clear?

All clear! Just like we expected.

RANDY: Yeah.

Except for all those dead raccoons.

I didn't know you were into taxidermy.

I'm not.

Oh, uh, here's my records right here.

Oh, wrong shoe box. It's just shoes.

- Guess what.
- What?

Rafé's not in the basement.

You're kidding. Where is he?

I don't know.

Hey, guys. What's up?

- Want half a bagel?
- What are you doing here?

Yo, we thought you were in the basement.

I ain't staying in that
scary-ass basement.

ICE is doing a raid right now.

- We got to get you out of here, man. Come on.
- Let's go.

Hold it right there.

You work on Sofia's truck, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, ICE just made me a spotter.

Which is a thing.

Which also means that I now
have the authority to tell you

to be on the lookout
for any illegal aliens.

Got it.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- All right, man, thanks. Um...
- We got to get to the kitchen.

Kitchen.

Windbreaker.

Oh, my God!

Everything okay, sir?

No. It's not.

I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore!

I should've come clean before,
but it's very hard

for me to betray a friend.

- Arthur, please don't.
- Sorry, kid.

There is an undocumented foreigner

in this room right now.

I knew it!

And his name is Fawz Al-Shahrani.

What? Me?

No, I-I'm a citizen.

We've never seen your passport.

I don't know what you're up to,

but, hey, I have nothing to hide.
My passport is next door.

I'll show you.

Hey, listen, while we're over there,

maybe you can question my mother-in-law.

Is she undocumented?

No, but I'm sure we could find
some reason to deport her.

So... something's going on here.

(chuckles nervously)

And as a police officer,

I don't ever want to know about it.

(exhales) Thanks, Randy.

You look nice today.

I know.

Hey, y'all, can we make this, like, a...
like, a walking hug?

'Cause we got to get out of here.
Come on. Let's go.

Over here. Thank you. Come on.

If you keep your mouth shut,
I'll give you a clean one.

Good morning, Arthur.

The usual, please.

What happened to your diabetes?

False alarm.

All of my symptoms...

the blurry vision, the dizziness,
the mood swings...

were from an estrogen patch.

I thought it was a nicotine patch.

Well, I didn't notice any mood swings.

That's because you never notice
anything, you selfish bastard!

Morning, Arthur.
Yo, I didn't have a chance to thank you.

And I didn't have a
chance to yell at you.

For what? Come on, man.
Didn't it feel good

to help Sofia's brother?

No! It was terrifying.

Look, uh, you got a big heart,
and that's great.

But you got to realize the consequences.
Not just yours.

The people you drag into your causes.

Okay. My bad. I'm sorry.

Look, kid, I'm not as brave as you.

So I can't take those big risks.

Okay.

That's not true, though.

Hmm?

You took a risk on me.

Gave me this job.

You got me into school.

You got me out of trouble with
those police officers once.

You stuck your neck out
for me a couple times.

- You know what I mean?
- Yes.

Yes, I have.

I'm an idiot.

What's up, Sofia?

How's Rafé?

- Safe. For now.
- Okay. Well, you know,

if he needs a place to stay,
I can figure something out.

Thank you, but he's gone.

I swear to God,
if he's still in that basement,

I'm locking him in and
let the demons eat him.

He's on his way to Madison.

And we got him a lawyer to help
him figure out his options.

- That's good. I'm glad.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- And, Arthur, he wanted me to thank you.

Okay.

And you, too. I know

things have been really
weird between us lately,

but you're a really good friend.

Oh. Anytime... Oh, okay. H-Hi. Uh...

Hey.

(quietly): Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, hey, Sofia, uh, wait.

If you see, uh, Rafé, give him this.

It's a really good workout, you know?
(chuckles)

(crying): This-this is beautiful.

Tush, you crying?

What if I am, you son of a bitch?!