03x02 - Support the Troops

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Dad, Donald Tr*mp is the president

of the United States.

That's crazy, right?

I mean, it still looks like an ad

for The Apprentice to me.

Hey, Cordell.

Tony... I see that salt and pepper

in your hair, man.

You gettin' up there, boy.

Dad, how often do you come

to this army recruiting center?

Well, I come here about once a week.

I like to drop off doughnuts,

show my appreciation.

You haven't taken Mom
on a date in six months,

and you come here once a week?

I bring your mama doughnuts, too.

Wait a minute, is that Kevin Wilson?

I didn't know he joined the army.

Oh, you mean that kid
that lived down the block?

Well, so it is.

Well, give him a doughnut

and thank him for his service.

No. I don't like Kevin Wilson.

None of us do.

He's an arrogant bastard who used to

b*at Bobby up all the time.

Okay, come on, man, I mean,

we scrapped a few times here and there.

You know, it was mostly fifty-fifty...

he'll win some, and I'll win some.

Oh, no, Bobby, you never won.

Remember, you had to transfer schools

just to get him to stop.

Yeah, he did used to whup your ass.

Well, I'm sure he's changed now.

They're not gonna let some violent man

who likes to bully
other people into the army.

What are you talking about, Dad?
That has to be, like,

% of the army.

He got my friend Stacy pregnant

and has done nothing
to help raise that kid.

He used to wear his sunglasses
on the back of his head.

He drinks Monster Energy drinks.

The man's a terrible person,
case closed.

Yeah, well, he's a troop now.

And those uniforms, they're like

a cloak of forgiveness.

Even the worst troop is better

than the greatest civilian.

If I were walking home tonight

and I got jumped by a troop,

I would be thankful I gave
him the extra training.

Kevin.

Mr. Carmichael.

(laughs)

So, when'd you join the army?

Just finished basic training last week.

- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey, man. All right, quit playing.

- Hey, Jerrod.
- Kevin.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank
you for your service.

I'm not thanking you for your service.

You used to b*at my brother up.

This guy? We just always
used to have fun.

No, you didn't.

Look at his face;
he is terrified right now.

No, I'm not. I'm cool.

Jerrod, quit bringing up old bidness.

Now, Kevin, I am proud of the
man that you have become.

And we all know
you're gonna go out there

and k*ll all the bad hombres
and make us proud.

Thank you, Mr. Carmichael.

You know, I just woke up one morning

and felt there was a greater
calling for my life.

I decided to join something
bigger than myself.

I wake up before the sun rises

just to get to work protecting
this country from threats

you can't even imagine.

You just completed basic training.

You learned how to do
sit-ups and make the bed.

I don't expect you to understand

the type of responsibility
this takes, Jerrod,

but you don't have to.

Because there will always
be people like me

to take care of people like you.

Kevin, what's the real
reason you joined the army?

Was it the easiest way to get
respect you don't deserve,

or are you just trying
to avoid fatherhood?

You don't have to answer him, Kevin.

He is just a scrawny, rude civilian.

It's cool, Mr. Carmichael.

Jerrod, for starters, I joined because

I love my country. Loves his country.

And I wanted to give something back.

Give something back.

You know, make a sacrifice.

Sacrifice!

Daddy, it's like you're his hype man.

Jerrod, no more disrespecting Kevin.

Kevin is a good soldier

on his way to achieving greatness.

Now, thank him for his service

and give this man a doughnut.

Fine.

Kevin, thank you for your service,

you arrogant deadbeat dad.

Hmm, um,

cinnamon sugar or jelly?

♪

♪

Do you know how un-American
you are right now?

Now, why don't you just
go up to Arlington

and piss all over JFK's eternal flame?

Cynthia... come on in here

so we can shame Jerrod.

What's going on?

Joe, what happened?

You remember Kevin Wilson,

the boy that used to
live down the street?

The same Kevin Wilson
that got my friend

Stacy pregnant, and then
abandoned her and the baby.

Oh, Kevin, he's the worst.

I saw Stacy crying in the
mall just the other day

'cause she couldn't afford
to buy her baby a pretzel.

I wanted to help her, but
it was so sad and messy,

I didn't want to get involved.

Well, Kevin was the worst,
but now he joined the army.

He's a troop now, Cynthia.

Oh, Kevin is a troop now.

Well, God bless him,
and God bless America.

Wait, wait, wait,
weren't you just talking about

how sad it was that his
poor, abandoned child

couldn't get a pretzel?

Kevin is fighting for
the country now, Maxine.

I guess that pretzel is the sacrifice

that baby had to make.

Well, Mama, Jerrod refused

to-to thank Kevin for his service.

Instead, he cursed him out
in front of everybody.

- It was crazy.
- JERROD: No, no, no.

I think it's crazier
that Bobby thanked him

after Kevin used to
b*at him up all the time.

Look, Jerrod, everybody knows this.

You have to thank a troop
for their service.

That's just the way
you do things, okay?

Look, let me tell you
what happened to me.

Nekeisha slept with a Marine
last week, okay?

As he was leaving,
I thanked him for his service.

You did the right thing, Bobby.

Be patriotic.

Well, maybe it's my fault

that I let you boys
form your own opinions

when I should have been
ramming my opinions

down your throat.

Should have seen this coming
when you got suspended

from elementary school
for refusing to say

the Pledge of Allegiance.

It is ridiculous to ask a kid

to pledge allegiance to anything.

They wanted me
to vow loyalty to a country

six months after I found out
Santa Claus wasn't real.

This is America we're talking about.

It's not like we ask you to say

the Pledge of Allegiance
to some crappy country

like Slovakia.

That would be ridiculous.

I mean, I don't even think
they got a pledge in Slovakia.

If I lived in Slovakia,
I'd k*ll myself.

Joe, you can't call Jerrod unpatriotic

just because he didn't thank some guy

who sounds like a real jerk.

And I love that Jerrod

didn't pledge allegiance
to the flag when he was a kid.

I think the most patriotic
thing an American can do

is question authority.

Well, I think the most American
thing for Americans to do

is to shut up and do
what the American leaders

tell them to do.

JOE: Jerrod,

by not thanking Kevin for his service,

you have spit in the face
of all the brave men and women

who are at w*r right now
fighting for your freedom.

You don't even know what
you're talking about.

Do you even know who
we're at w*r with right now?

Of course I know who we're at w*r with!

Iraq, Iran, um...

Eurasia.

I'm pretty sure we got some boys
over there in Pakistan

and that Afghanistan.

You got to watch them 'stans.

Them 'stans will sneak up on you.

Oh, Daddy, what about Aleppo?

There's something going on in Aleppo.

Oh, yeah, Aleppo, too.

We got a lot of bad guys
we got to get out

of that Aleppo right now.

Oh, yeah, I think
we're gonna have to just

wipe out Aleppo completely

and, uh, start over.

I mean, uh, it's a shame,

but we got to do it.

You know, it's fine to
just say "I don't know."

It don't matter who we're at w*r with.

Just know they had it coming. What?!

They had it coming?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Did you forget that we
invaded Iraq over a lie?

Oh, please, spare me the

"we invaded Iraq over a lie" nonsense.

I told you why we went!

Iraq had oil.

Now, these t*rrorists were gonna
do bad things with that oil.

So we had to go over there,

stop them, get the oil,

and return the oil to freedom.

Mission accomplished.

Look, America does a lot
of terrible things,

but we'll never improve as a country

if we get called un-American
every time we criticize it.

You know, when I was in college,

I made a point that we shouldn't
celebrate Columbus Day anymore

because of all the terrible
things that Columbus did

to the Native Americans,

and then someone spray-painted
the word "Communist" on my car.

Good. They should've slashed your tires

while they were there.

Look, Maxine,

it was either the Native Americans

or the real Americans;
one of them had to go.

Yeah, and we took all of their land,

but we named a lot of
our sports teams after them,

and I think that's nice.

Look, does this country have
a history of doing evil things?

Of course.

But there is a necessary evil.

And that has led us to being

the greatest nation in the world.

Okay, but, Dad, you can't just excuse

all of America's injustices.

I mean, do I need to bring up
the elephant in the room?

We are black.

Oh... there it is.

Now you done played the sl*very card.

Dad, it's not a card, all right?

It's a real thing that happened.

I just think, when it comes to sl*very,

you need to see the big picture.

Dad, are...

are you about
to defend sl*very right now?

Joe?

Daddy?

I am not defending sl*very.

sl*very is the darkest shame
on the history of America.

Oh, good, thank God. Whew. Took
a turn there for a minute.

Yeah, I was worried.

- However...
- Uh-oh.

...let me just say this.

If it hadn't been for sl*very,
we'd still be in Africa.

Probably starving to death.

Probably wind up on one
of them infomercials

begging some family from Ohio

to sponsor us for cents a day.

What... what kind of food

can you get for cents a day?

What are we sending
them, a pack of gum?

Uh-oh, Jerrod?

Kevin just pulled up outside.

What is he doing here?

Well, Jerrod offended him,
and he's come for revenge.

Now, the parent in me
wants to protect you,

but the patriot in me is
thinking you probably deserve

what you're about to get.

Joe, he's going into his trunk.

What if he's got a g*n?

Oh, no, he's just
putting his coat away.

J-Jerrod, you'd better hide, okay?

Kevin fought like a soldier
in middle school.

(knocks on door)
Okay, should we be nervous?

- Sorry to intrude, Mr. Carmichael.
- Ha-ha! Kevin!

Come on in, come on in.

Listen, Kevin, I know my son

is a coward, and I should step aside

and let you punch him in the face,

but just know this...

I have just lectured
him on the importance

of loving his country

and supporting all
the brave men and women

who are sacrificing for us

in all branches of the Armed Forces.

Mr. Carmichael, I'm actually
the one here to apologize.

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Hello, Kevin. Thank you
for not murdering my son.

I wanted to talk to you, Bobby.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I never saw myself as a bully,

but I thought about what Jerrod said

and I apologize if I ever
did anything to hurt you.

Thank you, Kevin. That means a lot.

Just when I thought this man
couldn't get more heroic.

And, Jerrod, no hard feelings
about the way you acted.

Oh, no, Kevin,
I thought about it and...

completely cool with the way I acted.

Kevin, I couldn't be more proud of you

if you were my own son.

And if there is anything

I can do while you are over there

fighting for your country,
just name it.

I appreciate that.

Just name it, Kevin,
and I will claim it.

Because Joe Franklin Carmichael
supports the troops.

Well, there is one thing I need.

I'm being deployed
to Afghanistan tomorrow

and I haven't been able to
find someone to watch my dog

while I'm gone.

Ooh, a dog?

Ooh, a dog sounds fun.

Hi, I'm Maxine; no one introduced me

'cause they were afraid
you were here to k*ll Jerrod.

Joe, tell him we are not dog people.

We're not into dogs like that.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I know it's a big ask.

No, no, no, no, no, Kevin,

there's not an ask too big
when it comes to my dad,

especially with the m*llitary.

In fact, before you got here,
he was just lecturing us

on the importance of
supporting the troops.

Ain't that right, Dad?

Man, it would mean a
lot knowing Lincoln

was safe while I'm gone.

This dog is my heart.

Lincoln? Your dog's name is Lincoln?

That is a patriotic name.

What type of dog is it?

Golden Retriever.

Dad...

a Golden Retriever.

Kevin, it would be my honor
to watch your dog.

Oh, seriously? Thanks, Mr. Carmichael.

You saved me.

The six months will fly by, I promise.

I'll go get him out the
car so you can meet him.

Joe, are you crazy?

Yeah, Daddy, you hate dogs.

Yeah, but we've never had a dog before.

Because we hate them!

We ain't gonna have a
problem with this dog.

We're just gonna serve our country

and protect Kevin's dog 'cause
it's the right thing to do.

(barks)

Oh, God, he's hideous.

CYNTHIA: Joe, I'm
coming down the stairs.

- Is the dog tied up?
- He don't need to be tied up.

Joe, put the dog outside.

You know I can't stand
dogs in my house.

He's not an outside dog, Cyn.

Kevin said, "This is
not an outside dog."

It's an outside dog
if you put it outside.

You can't turn an inside dog
into an outside dog.

That's like gay conversion therapy.

You just need to accept
him the way he is.

Joe, there is a spirit inside
this dog that just is not right.

Last night while we were making love,

he came inside the room and watched us.

And his eyes rolled up
in the back of his head.

Well, next time,
we'll just close the door.

Well, he's just gonna
sit outside and listen!

So what if he listens?
He can't tell nobody

'cause he's just a damn dog.

Joe, I can't believe that
you are doing this.

We had a happy home until

you brought this evil,
perverted dog up in here.

I don't want him here, either.

I'm just trying to prove
a point to Jerrod.

I-I'd rather this dog maul
both me and you

than have that lanky bastard
thinking he's right.

What if Kevin dies?

Are we gonna be stuck
with this dog forever?

Well, if Kevin dies,
then we put the dog outside.

Hey. So, how are things
going with the dog?

Oh, we love this dog.

That is not a dog. That is a demon.

That has a demon's spirit,
and I want it out of my house!

Well, your mama's taking a little time

to get used to the dog,

but we're gonna have a good time
with this dog, I can tell.

CYNTHIA: Oh, Joe!

You're letting him lick
all on your face.

It makes me just want to throw up!

Well, I can't help how the dog choose

to show his damn love, Cynthia.

- Oh...
- Dad, you know

you don't have to keep this dog

if you don't want to.

This is what loving your country

looks like, Jerrod.

Dad, just admit it.

You're not doing this
because you love the troops;

you're only doing it
to prove a point to me.

This really isn't about you, Jerrod.

This is about the brave men and women

who are fighting for our freedom.

I am a proud American.

I will do anything I can
to support the troops.

Hey, y'all. I've been calling you.

Why you ain't pick up the phone?

We had to unplug the phone.

Every time it rings, we have to
give this dog an anxiety pill,

and they cost $ a bottle.

Well, I was trying to tell you
about Bobby.

What about Bobby?

He went to join the army. What?

Oh, no, my baby!

He's too frail for m*llitary life.

And he's definitely the type
to get PTSD.

He already screams in his sleep now,

and that's just
if he ate something spicy.

We're not gonna let him
do this to himself.

Wait a minute, what happened
to loving the m*llitary

and supporting the troops?

Well, that's what
the doughnuts are for.

They make us feel less guilty
knowing we never had to

make any real sacrifices ourselves.

Look, everybody has a limit.

And my limit is
taking care of that creepy dog.

There, I said it. You happy now?

Actually, yeah,
it's incredibly fulfilling.

Joe, go bring my baby home.

I will. He got friendly fire
written all over him.

Bobby.

Daddy?

Bobby, what are you thinking?

What are you guys doing here?

We came here to tell you
that joining the army

is the biggest mistake you
gonna make in your life.

Dad, why are you telling me
I'm making a mistake?

You didn't tell Kevin
he was making a mistake.

Okay, I see. I know
you're looking at Kevin

thinking he's a hero,
thinking you can be one, too.

But heroes need regular people to save.

Bobby, you are not Kevin, okay?

I don't even like him,
but he's built like a soldier

and you are built like...

someone made for customer service.

Look here, okay?
I'm not trying to be like Kevin.

Then why are you here?

- Because of you.
- What?

(sighs) Look, growing up,

I always wanted to make you proud.

And it seemed like it
never happened, not even once.

And I see the way you look at Kevin

and all these soldiers around here.

And I realized this was my opportunity

to become the son
that you always wanted

and make you proud.

Bobby, why are you
wasting so much damn time

trying to make me proud?

That's why you never
accomplished anything.

Look at your brother.

He don't give a damn
what I think about him.

He's right. I don't.

In fact, I usually ask myself
"What would make Dad proud?"

- Then I just do the opposite.
- See?

And that makes me feel ashamed of him.

We got a thing and it works.

(sighs) But I love the way
you talk about this country.

It just makes me want to be
a better American.

I do love this country,
but I don't trust your life

in the hands of this government.

I love you too much.

Now, look,

I know you're looking around this room,

seeing all these posters,
getting all hyped up

and inspired,
thinking you can do anything.

But you can't.

You wasn't made for the b*ttlefield!

Look at this man.
This is your president.

I voted for him and
even I know he's crazy.

There are gonna be so many wars.

You could die out there.

And so could all these
people up in here, too!

And for what? Nothing!

Everybody's gonna die for nothing!

We-we, um, we're just gonna
get out of here. Uh...

thank you guys for your service.
Thank you for your service.

Thank you for... Cordell, is it?

Thank you for your service,
Cordell. All right.

(emotional music playing on TV)

WOMAN: All across America,

helpless animals are
brutalized and cast aside,

condemned by their abusers
to a life of agony and pain.

But for just cents a day,

you can help end their suffering.

You can save their lives.

Don't ignore these victims' cries.

Call now and be a hero
to an innocent animal today.

Don't you worry.
Don't you worry at all, Lincoln.

(sniffs) I'm gonna save you, okay?

(sniffs) You are coming home with me.

Lincoln, look at me.

I'll be your hero.