03x06 - sh**t

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

♪ On the outside always looking in ♪

♪ Will I ever be more
than I've always been? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm tap, tap,
tapping on the glass ♪

♪ I'm waving through a window ♪

♪ I try to sleep, but nobody can hear ♪

♪ So I wait around for
an answer to appear ♪

♪ While I'm watch, watch,
watching people pass ♪

♪ I'm waving through a window ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ We start with stars ♪

- ♪ In our eyes... ♪
- Oh, I didn't realize you weren't done.

♪ We start believing that we belong ♪

♪ But every sun doesn't rise ♪

♪ And no one tells you
where you went wrong ♪

♪ On the outside, always looking in ♪

♪ Will I ever be more
than I've always been? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm... ♪

(humming)

♪ I'm waving through a window. ♪

Mwah.

How was the mall?

There was a mass sh**ting.

Three people are dead.

Wait, what? Oh, my God, Jerrod.

No, no, no, don't freak out, Maxine.

Let's go back to singing.
I like that "tap, tap, tap."

No, Jerrod, stop, stop.

Wait, three people are dead?

Actually, four,
they got the sh**t, too.

♪ Waving through a window ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪

Oh, my God, you were
in a mall sh**ting?

Wh-What happened? Are you okay? Wha...

Maxine, let's not make a
big deal about this, okay?

This is an extremely big deal.

No, no, these things happen, okay?

Unfortunately,
this is the society we live in.

Some places are just sh**t-up-able.

"sh**t-up-able"? Jerrod,
I don't want to hear you explain

- any of your stupid theories right now.
- See, a sh**t-up-able place

is one that makes you feel nervous.

You ever been somewhere with a
large crowd and little security

and you had this feeling
in the pit of your stomach

that something could
go down at any moment?

You know, like,
at the airport or, like,

a train station, or, like, a concert,

or, or, maybe, like, the quad
of a liberal arts college.

It's the reason

you and I never go to the movies
at : p.m. on a Friday night.

Like, I will go to the movies
at : a.m. Monday morning

when it's safe.

(door opens)

Oh, my God, Jerrod, you alive.

Oh, my God.

- Yes!
- Yeah.

Oh, you're alive 'cause you lived.

Oh, my God, you could've been dead.

But you're not, because you are alive.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, man, hug me back.

No, Bobby, how did you even
know I was at the mall?

Look, Jesus from PacSun told me.

I don't know who that is.

Remember Jesus that used
to work at Dunkin' Donuts?

- Yeah.
- Well, he work at PacSun now.

Oh.

Jerrod, come sit down. Are you okay?

I don't need to sit down, Maxine.

Well, look, I got to sit down.

(sighs)

Do you know how scary it is

to get a text that
say your baby brother

is caught in a mall sh**ting?

Probably not as scary as being
caught in that mall sh**ting.

I don't think so.
Those b*ll*ts missed you,

but that text message went
straight through my heart.

I can't believe this is real.
Jerrod, tell me what happened.

Uh, I heard g*nshots,
I hid behind a kiosk,

and other people started
running and I ran, too.

I know it sounds scary,
but I'm fine, I'm safe.

God, this is crazy.

Okay, well, let me,
let me take care of you.

You need to relax,
I will make you some ginger tea

and then we can,
we can talk all about it.

Maxine, you don't have
to make me any tea.

And really,
there's nothing to talk about.

I've already told you everything.

Well, I'll take some tea, Maxine.

I got a lot to talk about.

(sighs)

Look, Jerrod, I know I
don't express myself often.

You do nothing but express yourself.

Well, I'm about to do it
even more right now, okay?

You mean everything to me, brother.

No, no, hey, look at me.

Look in my eyes.

All right. Be in this moment.

All right.

Everything.

Bobby, you're making being
alive less enjoyable.

Look, man, when I got the news,
I was really nervous.

sh**t.

I took three Vicodin.

Bobby, where are you
getting this Vicodin?

Okay, let's not get overly dramatic.

- CYNTHIA: My baby!
- Oh, my God.

(shouting)

The Angel of Death
tried to take my son,

but my God said "Not today"!

Your life was spared.

Oh, the blessings of
Abraham are upon you.

Ma, Ma.

Oh. Your father called and said,
"Our son is at the mall.

There's been a sh**ting."

But he started cutting out

before he could tell me which son.

Then my mind started playing
Sophie's Choice.

And I said to myself,

I said, "Lord, if I've got
to lose one of my sons,

please, let it be..." Oh!

Bobby.

I didn't see you standing there.

Wait, Mama,
can you finish that sentence?

JERROD: But, Ma,

don't worry, I'm fine.

No, no, you are not.

But you will be, because I'm here.

I mean, in a time of distress,
a mother is a son's Red Cross.

And I got you your
favorite snacks: Dunk-a-Roos

and Strawberry Nesquik.

Ma, these are great,

if I were in a mass
sh**ting in the fifth grade.

Now, look, I appreciate
everyone's overreaction here,

but you guys can go, I'm fine.

How dare you almost run out
there and get yourself k*lled.

- Come here, boy.
- Okay, Dad,

All right.

Do you have any idea

how hard life can be
for a grieving parent?

We'd have to light candles,

dedicate ourselves to anti-g*n causes,

start a foundation, speak
to community leaders,

try and get a Jerrod law passed.

You almost ruined our lives.

Just thinking about
living the rest of my life

without my one and only...

Oh, hey, Bobby.

I didn't see you standing there.

How are y'all not seeing me?

Is it the camouflage?

Here you go, Jerrod,
there's your Nesquik.

Thanks, Ma.

Can I have some?

I'm sorry,

what mass sh**ting were you in?

All right, Jerrod.

I'm gonna draw you a nice, warm bath.

Uh, Maxine, where y'all
keep y'all Epsom salts?

Yeah, you're not gonna bathe
your adult son in my apartment.

Oh. Eh.

Jerrod what were you
thinking, going to a mall

at : on a Saturday
like some damn hero?

You know good and well
that's !sis happy hour.

But Joe, Joe, you don't
know who did this.

Oh, come on, Maxine.

You know there's only three options

for any random mass sh**ting.

!sis, r*cist white,

Asian pushed to the
brink by his tiger mom.

That's why I didn't
push you boys in school.

A "D" is still a passing grade.

But, but see, he
should've known better.

Wait, are you really blaming Jerrod

for just going to the mall?

Well, who we supposed to blame?
The sh**t?

The NRA?

The Republicans for blocking
sensible g*n legislation

time and time again?

Those all sound like valid places

to start placing blame.

Oh, pishposh, Maxine.

Jerrod rolled the dice and he
almost got himself massacred.

Okay.

It was just a random thing.

Let's not put any more onto this.

Yeah, hold up for a second.

Something just came to me.

I texted Jerrod yesterday to
see if he wanted to hang out.

He never texted me back.

But what if he did?

I would've been at that mall, too.

That's crazy, right?
I could have been dead.

Bobby, that's not that crazy.
I rarely text you back.

But what if you did?

Well, he's got a point now.

If Jerrod would have
thought you'd have been

more fun to hang out
with, you could be dead.

You're right, Bobby, that's scary.

Go ahead, make yourself some Nesquik.

JERROD: Oh, no, no. Don't.

Don't encourage him to be the victim.

You know, for every person who actually

experiences a tragedy,
he's got seven distant cousins

trying to make it
about them on Facebook.

Hey, Bobby, I understand
what you're going through,

but we need to remember
that Jerrod is the victim here.

No, no, no, no. I am not a victim.

In fact, I'm the opposite of a victim.

I'm a guy who was lucky
enough to make it out.

No, Jerrod, there's nothing
wrong with accepting the fact

that you might be a victim.

It is the first step in
processing what happened

and accepting that
you might need some help

from the people who love you.

Well, know, Jerrod,

that I am your mother and I love you

more than any of these people.

Well, I don't know, Mama.

Jerrod is getting a lot
of love on Instagram.

Damn it, Bobby, you posted this?

BOBBY: Of course I did.

Near-death experiences...
(blows raspberry)

get you the most likes on social media.

Look, I know being a victim

is real sexy right now, all right?

But I don't want to
be one of those guys

who posts every sad thing
about them on Instagram

just to see how many people care.

Ninety-three.

people care about you, Jerrod.

(laughs) Oh, wait a minute.

Now it's down to .

Who would un-like somebody
that survived a sh**ting?

Just untag me, Bobby.

I don't want to be defined by this.

I don't want my whole identity to be

"guy who survived the mall sh**ting."

Man, Jerrod, you get all the breaks.

They just handed you an identity.

I've been trying to find
my identity for years.

Bobby, you have an identity.

You are the guy with the cool hats.

I know everybody say that
when they see you.

They say, "Here come Bobby.
He got the best hats."

But is that enough, Mama?

No, it is not, son.

I heard somebody saw
their first sh**ting today.

Nekeisha, let's not make a
big deal about this, okay?

It is a big deal.

You got your sh**t cherry popped.

Now, the first time is scary.

I remember I was all afraid, thinking,

"Oh, my God, this could
be my last moment."

But, now when I hear g*nshots,

I'm like "Ooh, somebody mad."

Look at it this way, son:
this might be good for you.

Really?

Well, don't get me wrong.

This mall sh**ting will haunt you

all the days of your life.

I'm, I'm sorry, "haunt me"?

Well, yeah, but I mean,
that might be a good thing.

We all need to be haunted a little bit.

It builds character.

That's what makes you a man.

I had an abusive, alcoholic father.

That haunts me every night.

That's my thing.

Now you got this, and it's your thing.

Hey, Daddy, can this be my thing, too?

Hey, Bobby, Bobby.

It's your brother's thing.

Now, some massive tragedy's

gonna strike you soon enough.

Just be patient.

That's why I coddled you boys so,

because I didn't want you to end
up haunted like your father.

Sometimes, at night,
when I look out the window,

he's just out there,
sitting on the lawn,

looking up at the moon.

Joe, you know, if you ever need
to talk to someone, I'm here.

Why would I talk to you
when I got the moon?

You think you wiser
than the moon, Maxine?

All right, you know what?

Everybody, let's go.

I think this is over. Just...

Wait, wait a minute, Jerrod.

I-Is that blood?

Wait, oh, my God, you were close enough

to the sh**ting to get blood on you?

Is that true?

Okay, you know what?
If you guys won't leave,

then I guess I will.

Congratulations on kicking a
man out of his own apartment,

especially on a day when all he
really needed was to be alone.

I don't know where he going;

the moon don't come out till : .

(sighs)

Jerrod.

Look, I know that this isn't easy,

but you need to deal with this.

I am. I'm trying to get this stain out.

Okay, stop.

It's okay to open up.

I'm here for you, whatever you need.

Thanks, Maxine.

(laughs softly)

Whoa. Oh, okay.

Um, what's going, what's going on?

Hey, hey, hey,
let's do it in the laundry room.

You know that's always been
one of our fantasies.

What, that is so not true.

Um, someone could see us,
that's a glass door.

You... there's someone's blood
on your sweatshirt.

No, you're using the wrong tone.

Someone could see us.

There's a glass door,

and I got someone's blood
on my sweatshirt.

Okay, Jerrod, stop.

You can't use sex
to hide your feelings.

Now, why won't you be honest
with us about what you saw?

Oh.

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, Jerrod.

I'm so glad I ran into you.

I saw your brother's post

about what you went
through at the mall.

No, no, I'm... I'm fine, Monica.

Really, I'm fine.

Listen, I just want
to tell you something.

I know exactly
what you're going through.

I survived the biggest att*ck

that ever hit American soil.

/ .

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Monica,

I had no idea you were
near Ground Zero.

Well, no. Not... Not quite.

But I was living in Queens at the time.

Oh, well, Queens is a
pretty safe distance away

from where the towers were, right?

Well, you'd be surprised.

New York is a small city.

Is it?

You know, at times like this,

people want to support you

and-and make sure that you're okay,

but it's important that you
know you are not a victim.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Monica.

I've been trying to tell
my family that all day,

but no one will listen.
No, you're not a victim.

You're a survivor, like me.

Stay strong.

You know, take care of you.

Take care of your mind.

Take care of your spirit.

Take care of the earth.

Take care of the...

Ah, see, I'm forgetting something.

Did I say spirit?

- Yeah.
- Okay, then.

There you are, Jerrod.

There's a cop upstairs looking for you.

What? What are you talking about?

Look, they saw my Facebook post,

and they're questioning,
like, witnesses of the crime.

Damn it, Bobby.

Hey, Monica.

How you been holding up since / ?

Oh, you know, I count
each breath as a gift.

Never forget.

All right, come on, Bobby.

The Jerrod you knew is gone.

A new flower has emerged.

- Okay.
- Okay, all right.

I know your job is to
protect and serve,

but it's hard not to
feel a little nervous

when you in the room.

You're not a suspect of any crime, sir.

There's no reason to feel nervous.

I'm just here to talk to your son.

Well, I feel like
we should put our hands up.

Joe, should we put our hands up?

Honey, that's a good idea.

As a safety precaution, Officer,

we are now lifting our
hands up into the air.

No sudden movements now.

We got to treat these
officers like bears.

I'm taping this,

just so you know.

If you sh**t anyone,
you probably will keep your job,

but it's gonna be a rough
couple of weeks.

You're, obviously, free
to do what you want,

but that is extremely unnecessary.

We are here with Officer G. Zimmerman.

I-It's Greg. There's no relation.

It's, it's a common last name.

We're here with George
Zimmerman's brother, Greg.

Whoa, what's going on in here?

Do we have to have our hands up?

No, you'll be fine, Maxine.

Somebody sh**t Maxine,

they'll close the whole police station.

There's no reason to raise your hands.

I'm just here to ask
a couple questions.

Are you Jerrod Carmichael?

Yes.

Here, uh, listen.

I'm sure you've had a-a tough day,

but any information
you have could help us

put the pieces
of what happened together.

I mean, do you mind describing

what you saw at the mall earlier?

Uh, yeah, I-I heard g*nshots,

then I ran and hid behind a kiosk,

and then, uh, I ran out of the mall.

Sir, I-I'm going to need you to be

as specific as possible.

Could you start with
where you were standing

when you heard the g*nshots?

Uh, okay.

Um, yeah.

I was, I was in line

waiting to get a pretzel,

and I was behind this guy
and his girlfriend,

and they were taking a while.

They didn't know what they wanted,

and so he turned and
looked at me and was like,

"Oh, this looks like a man who
knows exactly what he wants."

And he let me cut in front of him,

and, uh, and that's when
I heard the first sh*ts.

They... I don't know where
they were coming from.

They sounded really close,

and so I ran and I hid
behind the kiosk.

And then, like, more sh*ts came,

and I was trying to find the gunman,

but I-I couldn't tell where he was.

It was, like, just a lot of chaos.

And so then I looked
and I saw the-the guy

who let me in front of him.

Um, he'd been sh*t.

And his girlfriend was
just standing over him,

like, in shock.

It's like, she looked really confused.

And then everybody just ran out.

(Bobby sighs)

So if it wasn't for that dude
letting you cut in line,

you would have been standing
exactly where he got sh*t at?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

I-I don't know if he lived or d*ed.

(sighs) Jerrod.

Oh, my baby.

Officer,

we are going to take
approximately seven

to eight steps toward our
son in order to hug him.

Uh...

(clears throat)

Listen, uh...

Sir, you-you've clearly
been through a lot.

I'm-I'm gonna leave,
but if you don't mind,

I might need, uh, to contact
you for more questioning.

Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, well, uh, you all take care.

I'm gonna follow him down to the car.

We're not letting no more
Zimmermans get away.

Oh, God, Jerrod, I'm so
sorry you saw all that.

But at least now you can admit

that you were affected
by this sh**ting.

Yeah, no, you're right, Maxine.

(sighs) I am a victim.

Well, saying that's a good thing.

Acknowledging the
reality of your feelings

is incredibly hard,

but it's the first step to healing.

How is that possibly a good thing?

I mean, all that proves
is that I have no control

over my life whatsoever.

It just proves that life is
this endless cycle of death.

It just proves that one moment
you can be standing in line,

trying to get a salted pretzel,

and the next you're
choking on your own blood.

Why feel anything?

Does anything matter?

Ooh, look at the time.
It's almost : .

We better get on home.

CYNTHIA: Jerrod,

you are asking

the most profound
questions a man can ask.

About life.

About meaning.

And, well...

your father's right,
we'd better get out of here.

Come on. We love you.

Ooh, it got dark in here quick.

- Didn't it, Cynthia?
- Oh, yeah.

Maxine got a lot of
pieces to put together.

I'll tell you that.

You're not gonna eat these
Dunk-a-Roos, are you?

Um, uh, y-you want some space?

Nah, come sit with me.

(sighs)

Maxine,

are you trying to have sex right now?

(chuckles)

There's just something about
seeing you so vulnerable

and emotional.

You think you could cry during...?

Okay, Maxine, you are sick.

If you promise to cry, we can
do it in the laundry room.

(door closes)

Did they name the sh**t yet?

Yeah, it's a -year-old woman

born and raised in the United States.

A woman sh**t.

Does that count as progress, Maxine?

No, Cynthia, this is not progress.

I don't know. After Hillary, I think

we should take every win we can get.

(laughing)

What?

What?

Jerrod, you almost got sh*t by a girl.

(laughing)

How could she hold a g*n

'cause she was holding
all them shopping bags?

All right.

I'm gonna go stare at the moon.

(laughing)