03x07 - Morris

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

I mean, I know Bobby
said he wanted to talk,

but this is the last place to
come to have a conversation.

This is where you bring your family

after you've run out of
things to say to each other.

Yeah, this place stresses me out.

Every time the chef does something,

I feel like I have to clap,
or I'm being rude.

What are you talking about?

This is the one restaurant
where you can be rude.

They can't spit in your food
'cause we're right here.

I hate this.

If I wanted to pretend to be impressed,

every single time someone did
something, I'd have a child.

- Hey, y'all, thanks for meeting me here.
- Yo.

Look, I got something to tell you

that's gonna blow your minds.

You missed another payment
on your credit card,

and you need to borrow $ , .

I mean, yes, but that's not
what I was talking about.

Bobby, what happened?
Is everything okay?

All right, I hope
you're ready for this.

Look, I was on Facebook,
minding my own business.

That is the exact opposite
of what Facebook is.

Jerrod, are you gonna let me finish?

Thank you. I was on Facebook,
in everybody else's business,

when I got a message
that you won't believe.

Hey, Maxine, clap your hands.

You're embarrassing us!

Bobby, just tell us.

(sighs) So, look, I got this message

from some guy named Morris
that said he's Dad's son,

and claims he's our half brother.

Oh, my God! You think this is true?

I don't know, but I'm gonna

message him back so I can find out.

Bobby, don't message him back, okay?

Aw.

Don't worry, baby brother.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

You know, I'm gonna see if
this really is our half brother,

or this is a plot to rob us
and, uh, as*ault Maxine.

Bobby... it's true, okay?

Morris really is our half brother.

- What?!
- (fire hissing)

Hey, stop clapping!

♪

Jerrod, we got a half brother?

Dad has a son with another woman?

- How long have you known?
- Not that long.

I guess I found out when
I was ten, so... I don't know...

years?

And you never said anything?

I have so many questions.

Oh, my God!

It is so hard to have a
serious conversation here!

Okay, so, how did you even find out?

Yeah, how exactly did you find out?

Well, all right, when I was a kid,

I was riding my bike,
and I rode past this park

where I saw Dad playing basketball

with this kid I didn't recognize.

So I confronted him about it,

and he had no choice
but to tell me the truth.

You must have been devastated.

Actually, I was a little relieved,

'cause for a split second,

I thought my dad might've
been a pedophile.

So does Cynthia know?

No, no.

Oh, my God, so did he cheat on her?

No, my dad is still an honorable man.

He just had a kid a year before
he and my mom were married,

and then he kept that kid a secret

their entire relationship, that's all.

Man, I'm a middle child?

This explains all my
fears and my anxieties,

and my constant string of failures.

Does it?

I can't believe your dad
has been lying to your mom

all these years.

Well...

Sometimes it's best to just
keep a secret a secret.

You know? Don't ruin the illusion.

Uh, there are some things you're
just better off not knowing.

Wouldn't you rather think

that Lance Armstrong
was inexplicably fast,

or that Michael Jackson just
really liked sleepovers,

or...

W-Woody Allen was just a
really affectionate father.

No. And are you seriously
defending your dad right now?

Of course he is, Maxine.

They're in cahoots.

They've been in cahoots for years.

Yeah, and I actually
don't even understand

how you can defend lying,

'cause your family
is so brutally honest,

that sometimes I pretend to be sick

so I don't even have to go over there.

So you don't have
Crohn's disease, Maxine?

So you mean to tell me I
walked five miles for nothing?

You know what?

Dad's secret is not gonna
be a secret anymore.

We've lived this lie for way too long.

Bobby.

Bobby.

You already did that one.

Dad, Bobby knows about Morris.

- What?
- We all know.

What?

(panting)

I know about Morris, you lying bastard.

Bobby, shut up.
Your mama's right upstairs.

I can't believe you've kept this
from Cynthia your whole marriage.

I can't believe you're talking
at such a high volume;

are you trying to get
Cynthia to come downstairs?

Yes, 'cause we want Mom to know.

Well, she can't know.

Jerrod, why did you tell him?

I didn't tell him.

Morris messaged him on Facebook.

That damn Zuckerberg.

How many lives is he gonna ruin?

All right, look.
Everybody, take a deep breath,

go outside,

get in your cars and drive home.

We're not going anywhere,
you lying bastard.

JERROD: Bobby.

Stop calling Dad a lying bastard.

Now, I know you guys
think it's a good thing

for Mom to find out about this,

but I think you should give
it some time, you know?

Give it a couple days.

You know what they say,

"Time heals all moral impulses."

No, I am not gonna sleep
on this and change my mind.

Joe has a son. Cynthia needs to know.

All right, what's it gonna take? Money?

'Cause I'm willing to do
whatever it takes

to squash this thing, up to $ .

Look, I'm not spending my life
lying to my mama for $ .

$ , that's my final offer.

Each?

MAXINE: Bobby...

Maxine, I was just
considering it, you know?

Our answer is no.

Joe, how do you live with yourself?

Well, how does anybody
live with themselves?

I mean, we could all be helping
Syrian refugees right now

but we're not, and we're better for it.

Lies is like chlamydia, Dad, okay?

Even though you think it's harmless,

eventually it turns into cancer.

What?

Chlamydia can turn into cancer?

Um, can't chlamydia turn into cancer?

No, that's HPV.

(whispering): Thank you.

Lies is a lot like HPV, Daddy.

(sighs)

Y'all need to understand
the situation I was in.

I was a teenager.

We barely knew each other.

It was one night, and she got pregnant.

So I offered to do the right
thing, but she said no,

she wanted to keep it.

Then I offered to do the
other right thing, you know,

help her raise him, but she didn't even

want me a part of his life.

You had three decades
to tell her the truth.

I know you think that
my mom should know,

but it's really the liar

who takes on all of the burden of this.

I mean, look what it's done to my dad.

You can just see
the self-loathing in his face.

Look at this man's eyes.

His eyes used to sparkle.

These lies are just weighing them down,

I mean, look at his posture.

And that's just the outside.

Do you know what these lies
are doing to him inside?

It's slowly coagulating
and turning to the tumor

that's gonna end this man's life.

Yeah, I'm surprised I'm still alive.

If anything, knowing he's wronged her

has made him a better husband.

I mean, love isn't what makes
you treat someone nice,

it's guilt.

Any time a woman says,

"He treats me like a princess,"

just know that man has done some
terrible things behind her back.

Joe, it is one thing for you
to lie to your wife.

But you've asked your son
to lie to his mother.

I mean, what do you think
that's done to Jerrod?

I think it's made him
into the complicated man

that you love today.

You know what they call people

who have no daddy issues, Maxine?

Boring.

Joe, think about how much worse
this is gonna be for Cynthia

if she finds out from someone else.

I mean, God forbid, she meets
Morris at your funeral?

I mean, imagine that,
the worst day of her life

made even worse by being
blindsided by news like this.

How long are we gonna
talk about my death today?

CYNTHIA: ♪ I've got the
world on a string... ♪

All right, everybody, shut up.

♪ Sitting on a rainbow. ♪

I thought I heard voices.

What are you all doing here?

♪ Got that string around my finger... ♪

(grunts)

- ♪ What a world ♪ - Ha, ha.

♪ What a life ♪

♪ I'm in love. ♪

(both laugh)

Oh, Joe, we still got it.

Yeah, we do.

What are you all doing here?

Well, uh, you know, I
told them we have pie,

and they... they love pie,

so they are over here to
get some of that pie.

Oh. Well, I guess I better
get you all some pie.

Thank you.

All right, you got two options.

Get the hell out, or shut up
and stuff your face with pie.

(groans)

I couldn't even look her in the eye.

Well, just look at the pie.

I don't think I can do this.

Jerrod, get your girl.

It doesn't really work like that, Dad.

All right, everybody, just act normal.

Maxine, I made this gluten-free crust

for your Crohn's disease.

(clears throat)

It was difficult
to figure out, at first,

how to make it taste not disgusting.

But all I had to do was add
an alarming amount of sugar.

Thank you.

Oh, it's just gluten, Maxine.

Yeah, Maxine, relax.

CYNTHIA: Oh, Bobby?

You got an eyelash.

Close your eye, let
me get that for you.

All right, I got it.

Go ahead, make a wish.

Well, Mama, I wish you had
the foresight to see the snakes

- in the grass...
- Just blow the lash!

Okay, I'm gonna get
the rest of y'all's pie.

What the hell was that?
That wasn't normal.

I got to admit, all right,
this just feels wrong.

Now it just feels like we're
conspiring against Mom.

I never noticed how nice she was.

Has she always been this nice?

Yes. Mom is an angel, Jerrod.

Jerrod, I made you some chocolate cake.

I know you don't like blackberry pie.

Ma, you didn't even know I was coming.

Well, if you stay ready
you don't have to get ready.

Oh, man.

Ma... I'm-I'm so sorry.

H-Hey, hey, do we have
any more of that, uh,

the whipped cream that we got?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Well, let's go get it.

- Go get... oh.
- Ah.

♪ I got the world on a string ♪

♪ Sittin' on a rainbow... ♪

Get out now!

♪ Got this string upon my finger ♪

JOE AND CYNTHIA:
♪ What a world, what a life ♪

♪ I'm in love. ♪

(sighs) You got up early.

Couldn't sleep?

No. I'm all messed up.

Every time I close my eyes,

I just keep seeing my
dead dad in a casket

with my mom standing over him, crying.

And then Morris comes up to her

and introduces himself
as my dad's firstborn son.

And then my mom looks me

square in the eyes, with tears in hers,

and she says, "I thought you loved me."

Then she takes out a g*n
and sh**t herself in the head

and she falls on top of my
father's cold, dead corpse.

But what about you? You sleep okay?

No, I had the same dream,

but when your mom pulled
out the g*n, she sh*t me.

(knocking at door)

Hey, Maxine.

Hi, Joe.

Well, I can't stand here and
talk to you 'cause I got a...

Crohn's flare-up.

Stop lying, Maxine.

You don't have Crohn's disease.

What's up, Dad?

Rough night.

Yeah, it was for me, too.

Now, be honest with me, son.

Watching me lie to your
mother all these years

really messed you up, didn't it?

No, actually, I think it's given
me a healthy amount of cynicism

that's protected me my entire life.

It-It taught me

to question everything
and to accept people's flaws.

If anything, watching you
lie to Mom all these years

did more to help raise me

than any good parenting
you tried to do, so...

Thanks, Dad.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep asking
the whole family to lie

every time they see her.

I mean, ruining you was one thing,

but Bobby and Maxine,
they don't deserve this.

Yeah, you're right.

They are good people.

Yeah, you know what,
I thought about this

and I'm gonna tell
your mama everything.

Really? Are you really gonna do it?

Yeah.

I should've done this a long time ago,

but thanks for, you know,
always being there for me.

You mean...

lying to Mom about your
bastard son for years?

Yeah, being there.

Hey, Dad.

If Mom does leave you,

I don't want you to
think for one second

that I'm gonna spend a
single Christmas with you

in your lonely studio apartment, okay?

I-I just want to put that out
there, but, uh, good luck, man.

You are one cold son of a bitch.

But that's on me.

- Cynthia.
- Joe!

I got those seedless
tangerines you like.

The ones with seeds, they were cheaper,

but I got the ones you like.

Cynthia, we need to talk.

What's going on, Joe?

I need you to sit down.

Why?

Joe, you scaring me.

Please, just sit down.

Now, I'm gonna tell you something,

but I'm-I'm just nervous that
it's gonna change everything.

Well, hold on, before you say it,

is it something that I
absolutely need to know?

Because things are so nice now, Joe.

We got those seedless tangerines.

You need to know this.

Now, you know, I've been wanting
to tell you for a while,

but every time I tried,
I just, I got so scared

'cause I-I thought it would
ruin everything and-and...

Well, sh**t, I was just
so stupid back then,

just young and stupid.

And, well...

(groans)

I guess I'm just making
more excuses for myself.

Joe, I-I don't like
the way that it sound.

And I don't even want to
know what this is about.

You know, I'm gonna go ahead
and make us some lunch.

Cynthia.

- Joe.
- I have a son.

He was born a year
before we got married.

Now, I-I-I know I should've
told you from the beginning,

but I didn't know how
you would react and...

Cynthia, I am sorry.

I know you got questions for me.

No.

I don't have any questions.

I don't want to know anything.

What do you want for lunch, Joe?

Cynthia.

Don't! Don't come near me, Joe.

No!

You are not the one
to comfort me, not...

not when you're the one that did this.

(crying): What do you want for lunch?

I know we can get through this.

All I need you to do is just tell me

what-what I can do
to make things better.

Joe, do you want mustard
on your sandwich?

Cynthia.

Mustard. Well, Joe?

You want mustard on your sandwich?

Mustard, Joe. Yes or no?

Yes or no?

Yes.

(quietly): Okay.

Here it is, Joe.

Go ahead and eat your sandwich.

Cynthia, what are you doing?

(crying): I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm doing what you did
to our whole marriage,

pretending that everything
is normal when it isn't.

Joe, I don't even know who you are.

I mean, you're not the
man I thought you were.

My best friend would
never do this to me.

Cynthia, I'm sorry.

(crying): No, j-just...

just go, Joe, go.

Get out.

(crying)

Daddy, I'm putting my foot down.

You got to tell Mom.

It's the right thing to do

and I'm not leaving till you tell her.

I just told her.

She's crying in the kitchen.

Oh! Cynthia?!

I'm ready to talk now, Joe.

Okay, 'cause I thought for a
minute you were gonna k*ll me.

Good.

Think that.

You've made me that woman, Joe,

that woman that everybody
pities and whispers about

when she walks
through the grocery store.

I don't know how to be that woman.

I'm always the woman
who's doing the whispering.

Cynthia, I am so sorry.

And... anything you need,
you just tell me.

What's his name?

Morris.

That's a terrible name.

What do you think Mom
and Dad got to tell us?

I'm worried that they're
getting a divorce.

This is a bad-news restaurant.

Well, my parents told me
they were getting divorced

at TGI Fridays 'cause they
knew no one would notice

if I made a scene.

Did you?

Oh, big time.

Hey, kids.

- Hey, Mom and Dad.
- Oh, there...

there they are, looking good.

Mom and Dad. Lovebirds.

- Mom and...
- Knock it off.

Listen, everybody,
we're gonna get through this.

Just because your father
lied to me for years,

it does not make him a bad man.

It makes him a flawed man

who will probably have
difficulty getting into heaven,

but that is not my burden to carry.

Well, I'm gonna deal with
that when I get there.

I can be very persuasive.

So, how are we gonna handle this?

Gonna joke about it?

Sweep it under the rug?

Just let me know, I don't have
strong feelings either way.

No, we're gonna be
very honest, very open.

I mean, all families
have things to deal with.

You know, my husband
has a son that isn't mine.

So, there it is.

Know who you're sitting with.

We love each other,
we're a strong family

and we're gonna get through this.

She slept with my brother
and we're still together.

Okay. Well...

let's eat.