03x09 - Evelyn and Vernon

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Carmichael Show". Aired: August 2015 to August 2017.*
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"The Carmichael Show" follows the life of stand up comedian Jerrod Carmichael as he navigates through life with his therapist in-training girlfriend and his heavily opinionated family.
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03x09 - Evelyn and Vernon

Post by bunniefuu »

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Granddad,
let me ask you a question.

What did you think about my dad
when you first met him?

I didn't like him.

But you did grow to love him.

Nope.

Your mom just texted me.

They're on their way back
from that women's march.

What the hell are these
women marching for?

I think it's about abortions.

Usually, that's when women get mad,

is when somebody tell them
they can't have abortions.

All I know is that
any time I ask Maxine

what she's marching for,

she gets all riled up and mad at me.

And she says "If you don't know,
then you part of the problem."

And then I laugh.

Man, I guess I am kind of
part of the problem.

JOE: I know why they march.

See, a whole lot of women
voted for Tr*mp,

and a whole lot of other women
are angry at those women

because they feel like those women

aren't being the kind of women

that they feel they supposed to be.

See, it's all very confusing,
but the point is,

it ain't got nothing to do with us men.

Yeah, I don't like when
they group us all together

and make it sound like all men
are misogynists or rapists

just trying to keep women down.

When it's really
only % of us that do that.

(Cynthia laughing)

Hi, guys.

- JOE: Hey.
- Oh!

That march, it was incredible.

They had speeches and
music and Lena Dunham.

She had a T-shirt on that
just said "vag*na" across it.

Ooh, there was something
weirdly powerful about it.

Ooh, yeah, that march was inspiring.

I have never seen so many
masculine haircuts on women.

It was cute and confusing.

You should've seen Mom out there.

She chanted louder than all of us.

Oh, I've never seen you so excited.

Well, I just got caught up
in the moment.

(chuckles) Hey, Grandma,
you got some Lemonheads?

Ooh, you know I do, precious.

- Yes!
- Here you go.

You know, I'm so glad
that we all went together.

It was really cool having
three generations of women

all standing united.

Hey, Maxine, what were
y'all marching for?

Uh, there are so many issues, Jerrod.

Women's rights
are literally under att*ck.

And if you don't know that,
then you're part of the problem.

(laughs): See? I told y'all.

Where's Nekeisha?

She threw a can of Mountain
Dew at a congressman.

So they kept her

for a few questions.

She said it didn't have
anything to do with his speech,

it was a personal issue
and he knew what he did.

Ooh, that Nekeisha,
she's just a little firecracker.

VERNON: Evelyn?

I'm tired of talking about women.

I'm hungry.

Go and fix me something to eat.

I was just talking.

Well, wrap it up.

Okay, Vernon.

Okay, okay.

How can he just talk to her like that?

And you think I'm part of the problem.

Okay, Mom, we're gonna go.

Dad, I love you.

- JERROD: All right, Granddad.
- Peace, Granddad.

- CYNTHIA: Okay.
- JERROD: It's been real.

MAXINE: I had a great time today.

- Bye, Grandma.
- MAXINE: See you later.

- BOBBY: Love you.
- All right, black love.

Cynthia. What is it, Ma?

I'm thinking about
divorcing your father.

VERNON: Evelyn, shut the door.

- We'll talk about it later.
- What?

BOBBY: Hey, Grandma, you got
a dead squirrel on the porch.





How could my mom ask me
should she divorce my father?

Who can answer that question?

I can.

He's a terrible husband and her life

will become exponentially better

when she leaves him and
his toxic energy behind.

Hey, y'all got any more
of that chicken piccata?

Jerrod, don't talk about
your grandparents that way.

Yeah, that's their dynamic.

She does all the cooking and cleaning,

he says nasty things to her
and makes her feel worthless.

And by the way, I finished that
chicken piccata last night.

Well, I like Granddad.
He's the only one in this family

who doesn't judge me.

He doesn't ask me
any questions about my life,

so he has no idea
how horrible I'm doing.

I'm sorry, Cynthia,
but I have to agree with Jerrod.

I mean, the way
your dad treats your mom,

I think that she should leave him.

After years of marriage?

My mom is the happiest person I know.

She's always baking
cookies and knitting.

Yeah, Ma, baking cookies and
knitting is something you do

when you're just trying
to k*ll time until you die.

Trust me, every hand-knit
sweater is made by a woman

who's lost all hope.

But you know, Cynthia's right.
She can't leave him.

Do you know how hard
it is gonna be for her

to find a man her same age
who doesn't have Parkinson's?

You know I blame you for this, Maxine.

What? How is this my fault?

Because you just had to push
us to have three generations

of women all marching together,
getting empowered.

Well, empowerment
is not for the elderly.

They can barely text.

You think they can
handle a new identity?

Clearly, your mother has
been thinking about this

for a long time; you don't
go to a march at : p.m.

and then, decide you want
to get a divorce at : .

Well, that depends on
how good the march is.

What did Lena Dunham say to y'all?

Also, isn't it a good thing
that your mom feels empowered?

I think it's great that she wants

to try to make changes in her life.

That shows that she's still growing.

The elderly aren't supposed to grow.

Their minds are supposed to shrink

along with their ailing bodies.

And I don't feel like my mother
needs to be empowered

because I've never seen her as weak.

She made a choice to care for my father

and to raise her children,
which is the same choice I made.

Okay, but Joe doesn't treat you
the same way Vernon treats her.

I mean, he is, he is controlling
and oppressive.

Which is what the women of that
era were looking for, Maxine.

JOE: You know, back in the ' s,

a violent and oppressive man,

that was considered, like, a catch.

And if you could find
a violently oppressive doctor,

well, then, you were
the luckiest girl in the world.

Real question:
did women have self-esteem

before Destiny's Child or not?

Look, I know Grandma thinks
divorce sounds good.

Because when you get divorced,
people love saying things,

like, "God will close one door,
but he'll open up a window."

But then you look through that window,

and you see your ex
having sex with everybody.

My mom just has to remember
how good my dad has been.

I mean, I know he's demanding,

but he has always been
a great provider.

He has worked hard every day
and he even built the home

that we grew up in.

Yeah, well, Vernon
is in that grey area.

You know, it's hard to tell
your mom to leave a man

who has redeeming qualities.

I mean, look, I was lucky.

My dad b*at me and my mom.

So that gave us a lot of clarity.

Look, some grandpas
are worse than others,

but I think it's safe to say

that all grandfathers
are terrible people.

What? Jerrod, that's crazy.

Not all grandpas...
my grandpa was very sweet.

He always had candy.

Mm-hmm. Pedophile.

Yep. I mean, probably.

Who hurt you guys?

Our grandfathers.

Hey y'all.

Sorry I lost you at the march.

Yeah, what happened
with the congressman?

Oh, we good. It was just
a little misunderstanding.

He thought just because he
was busy reforming healthcare,

he didn't have to text me back.

Nekeisha, are you, uh,
dating a congressman?

Mm-hmm. From the th District.

Just trying to make change happen.

What's going on in here?

Well, my mother asked me
should she divorce my father.

What do you think, Nekeisha?

Well, I think divorce is great.

Look at me, I'm divorcing my way
to the top.

I went from Bobby to a congressman.

I'm just one divorce away
to being the first lady.

Divorce isn't right.

I mean, you make a vow before God.

It should stand for something.

Right, and it should
mean something, Mama.

And you tell that congressman

he has lost the Carmichael family vote.

I don't know, I kind of
like what he's doing

- with the district.
- I like what he's doing

with the healthcare.

Look, Cynthia, I know that
you don't believe in divorce,

but there are valid reasons
to end a marriage.

I mean, I would leave Jerrod

if I felt like I wasn't being supported

or if I felt like I wasn't being loved

or if we fell out of love.

And I'd leave Maxine
if she got sleep apnea.

I mean, I can deal
with a lot of things,

but I don't mess with sleep apnea.

Well, if everyone adhered
to your loose guidelines,

half of all marriages
would end in divorce.

Uh, they do.

Half of all marriages
do end in divorce, Ma.

Maxine, what have you done?

Your generation has ruined the sanctity

of one of our
most beautiful traditions.

Well, I bet the gays don't
get as much divorce,

'cause they fought so long to
get married in the first place.

You ever stay longer at a place
'cause it took you a while

to find a good parking spot?

See, that's gay marriage.

I don't understand why
divorce has such a stigma.

I mean, we should celebrate
people who have the courage

to emotionally destroy
someone for their own benefit.

Well, look, I applaud anybody

that sticks it out
through the hard times.

Like, take Mom and Dad for instance.

Last month, Dad told Mom
that he had a secret son

that he lied about for nearly years.

She could've left.

But she didn't.

And look at them now.
They're more in love

than they've ever been.

That's what marriage is all about.

Uh, thank you Bobby.
Thank you very much.

Well,

that was a difficult few days,
but your mama made it through.

Hold on now, what do you mean,
"It was a difficult few days,

and we made it through"?

Well, no, no, no, see,
w-what I was, I was...

I mean that, like, in a good
way, I was saying. We, us,

as a, you know, as a couple.
We made it through, together.

No, we are trying to make it through.

Okay. You know what I meant though?

See, I was trying to say
as-as-as-as-as testament

to our relationship... (clears throat)

...you were strong enough
to forgive me, you know.

And, uh, the rest is,

the rest is like water
under the bridge, it's...

JERROD: Dad, Dad,

you've got to stop talking, man.

CYNTHIA: Joe,

no, it is not just
water under the bridge.

I cannot believe you just said that!

You know what?
Maybe these kids are right.

Maybe divorce should be
an option for everybody.

You know, I just...
I got to get out of here.

C-Cynthia, Cynthia.

- Don't you follow me.
- Cynthia!

Cynthia!

Don't you listen to these kids,
these dumbass kids.

They stupid!

I'm not gonna apologize
for what I said,

but I will apologize for the tone.

Mama.

Hey, sweetie.

Look, I'm making
one of those p*ssy hats

the women were wearing at the march.

Hey, you want me to make you one?
A p*ssy hat?

Mom, stop saying that word.

It's so embarrassing.

Listen, you cannot leave him.

You can't get a divorce. That's crazy.

You're just ruining my whole life.

Don't you come in my house
acting like a teenager.

I am not acting like a teenager!

I just hate this family!

(stammers)

What has gotten into you?

You lucky you too old for me
to send you to your room.

Oh, Mom.

(clicks tongue) Oh, baby.

Mama, you really want to divorce him?

I don't know.

It's hard to imagine life without him.

VERNON: Evelyn, there's
a Mexican in the yard.

Sometimes it's easy.

How long have you
been thinking about it?

VERNON: Evelyn, he's blowing leaves.

It's been awhile.

Ma...

does it make you weak if
you give up on a marriage

or is it weak to stay in one
that you're not happy in?

Baby, I don't know.

That's why I was asking you.

(sighs)

Joe, he has a son...

from before we were married

and I only found out a month ago.

I haven't told you
because it's been so painful.

I... I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry, baby.


I raised you to be a good wife
and stand by your husband,

just like I was taught by my mother.

But maybe I should've been telling you

that your own happiness
is just as important.

See, I'm just learning that myself.

I don't know what would make me happy.

(sighs) I just know it hurts.

(clicks tongue) Oh, precious.

Mom.

I know, baby, it's okay.

VERNON: Evelyn, he's
still here! Do something.

Daddy, we're in the
middle of something!

Hey, Jerrod, I been
meaning to ask you this.

Do you shave your chest?

(knock on door)

What do you boys know about
blood pressure medication?

Mom still not home?

No, she spent the night
with your grandparents.

Now, she usually puts
the right pill on a napkin

next to my breakfast.

I-I'm trying to figure out

if I got high blood pressure
or low blood pressure.

I know your mama got one of
them and I got the other one.

I guess that's why y'all boys
got normal blood pressure.

Well, just take them all.

At your age, there's no wrong pill.

You got any sandwiches?

No. I don't just keep premade
sandwiches around my apartment.

Well, your mama usually makes
me lunch, so I'm starving.

All right, fine.
What kind of bread you want?

We got organic whole wheat
or sprouted flax loaf.

Uh, forget about that.
Just give me the meat.

JERROD: What kind of meat?

You want low-sodium turkey
or tempeh bologna?

What is happening to this country?

Never mind.

Dad, what are you gonna do about Mom?

sh**t, I don't know.

I'm trying to figure it out,
but I'm so damn hungry.

If I could get some protein in me,

maybe I could save my marriage.

Okay, Dad, I don't think
protein is your problem.

Oh, what do you know
about relationships?

Your generation

got it too easy.

What are you talking about?

It's exhausting being a
good boyfriend these days.

You had it easy.

You started dating before
the age of social media.

Now, being a good boyfriend
is a -hour job.

I got to respond to her on
Instagram, check out her Snaps,

send unsolicited happy texts
that say, "Thinking about you"

when I'm not.

I-I bet you

if you look into it,
you'll see a correlation

between the rise in the su1c1de rate

and boyfriends having iPhones.

I don't know what your
mama wants from me here.

I mean, she knows I'm sorry.

Yeah, but, Dad,
maybe that's not enough.

You know something, Dad?

Maybe you should k*ll
your illegitimate son for her.

Hey, man, look, I thought
we was brainstorming here.

You say something,
then I say something.

Look, somebody else go.

Hey, Dad, is that a Band-Aid
on the back of your head?

Yeah, I cut myself
shaving this morning.

Your mom usually takes
the head and neck hump.

(sighs) Dad...

you're gonna die without Mom.

Yeah, I know.

I got to find a way
to work through this

and convince her that I still love her.

Ooh. (whoops) Man.

Well, I figured out it's low
blood pressure that I got.

(sighs)

(groans)

You think he's okay to drive?

Yeah, he took both pills.
He'll be fine.

You know, one of these days
a Muslim ban is gonna stick.

I just hope I'm alive to see it.

(knock on door)

Hello, Joe.

We know about your son.

Well, I figured as much.

Evelyn, I need to speak with Cynthia.

She's not here. Go away.

Joe, what are you doing here?

Look, Cynthia, I'm sorry
for not understanding.

And I want to make this better for you.

Joe, this is all so hard.

And I need you to understand.

You didn't get anyone pregnant
on your way over here, did you?

(chuckles)

Vernon, just eat your cookies.

Mm.

Joe, just because I don't
talk about it all the time,

doesn't mean that I'm okay.

I mean, there are times when I'm angry

and sometimes I'm sad and confused,

and then, there are days where
I think it's getting better,

but others, it gets so painful.

I-I feel I can, I can barely take it.

Well, look, I'm sorry.

I'm not proud of this.

I guess it was something I just
thought I could get behind me,

but I realize that's
not gonna happen now.

So, I'm here, Cynthia.

And anything you need to do...
you want to get angry or sad

or throw things at my head...
whatever you need.

I realize now there's no end to this.

I'll end it.

Evelyn, get my g*n.

EVELYN: Vernon.

At least Joe's here, wanting
to work through their problems.

He can admit his shortcomings

and-and be sensitive to her needs.

Oh, you like it because he's sensitive?

You know what that makes him?

A h*m*.

- Daddy!
- What?

You'll see. (chuckles)

One day he's gonna move down to Miami

and just let it all hang out.

Daddy!

Vernon!

Vernon, just shut up.
Just shut up right now.

You're disrespectful and out of line

and it stops right now.

Don't talk to me like that, woman.

Cynthia, you two go on home.

- Are you sure?
- EVELYN: Yes.

You and Joe have something
worth fighting for.

Thank you, Mom. I love you, Mom.

I love you, too, Daddy.
Y'all be good to each other.

But wait a minute,
I want to see what happens.

Come on, Joe!

Have you lost your damn mind?

Vernon, I'm leaving you.

What?

(whispering): Hi, uh, Joe.

I think, uh, Cynthia left something.

I don't know how living together

while being divorced can work.

Look, don't you worry, Grandma.

It's gonna be hard at first,

but you'll get used to it.

You just need to lay
some basic ground rules,

like don't share food.

You let him go buy

his own damn Lean Cuisine.

And if the hair trap
needs to be cleaned out,

don't you touch it.

It's her hair.

You let her do it.

And hide your exfoliant.

Now, he gonna act like
he don't know what it is,

but when you get home, all
your products gonna be missing

and his skin's gonna
be mysteriously soft.

Look, Granddad, this is
more of a tip than a rule.

When she starts sleeping
with other dudes,

and she will,

you get you some Bose headphones

so you can just drown out the sound.

And the only thing
you got to worry about

is the pain of knowing what's
happening in that next room.

I hope I die soon.
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