03x11 - Low Expectations

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Carmichael Show". Aired: August 2015 to August 2017.*
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"The Carmichael Show" follows the life of stand up comedian Jerrod Carmichael as he navigates through life with his therapist in-training girlfriend and his heavily opinionated family.
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03x11 - Low Expectations

Post by bunniefuu »

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

- Bobby, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

Well, how'd you get
yourself electrocuted, son?

You didn't put a George Foreman Grill

on the edge of your tub again, did you?

I told you, Bobby, burgers can wait

until after you're done with your bath.

No, no, no. I was at work,
and my boss had me

rewiring the lights in the lobby.

Yeah, but you're not an
electrician, you are a super.

The only thing you're
supposed to be doing

is looking for mold
and evicting prostitutes.

Okay, Bobby, I hope you're
all right and everything,

but I got $ riding on this.

Were you trying to cook
burgers in the bathtub again?

No, okay? Will somebody
give me some credit?

I gave you credit, Bobby,

and it won me $ .

Man, I hate my job.

I'm just not cut out
to be fixing things.

As soon as he touched those wires,

he sh*t across the room.

Made me realize how scared
I am of the police.

He was unconscious for seven minutes,

and I still didn't call .

Come here, baby.
Now, hold on now, Cynt.

We got to make sure all the
electricity is out of him.

(alarmed shouts)

(laughter)

I got you on that, didn't I?

- I just reached out...
- (shouting)

I guess it's time to charge my phone.

(shouting)

Joe, you are so good
at lightening the mood.

(sarcastically): Ha ha!

Okay, when I was laying
on death's door,

I realized that my life
hasn't meant anything so far,

and that if I d*ed today,
I wouldn't have anything

to leave behind but
three pair of Jordans

and this Apple Watch.

Dammit, Bobby,
you stole my Apple Watch.

Well, it's mine now,
and it's all I got.

Uh-oh.

What's going on, Nekeisha?

I posted on Facebook to pray for Bobby

'cause he hurt himself,
and most people misunderstood

and think he tried to commit su1c1de.

Dammit, Nekeisha.

Oh, look, they set up a memorial fund.

Oh, that's nice.

That's so nice. Every little bit helps.

Look at these comments.

"RIP Bobby." "Sad day."

"The signs were all there"?

Why does everybody think
I tried to k*ll myself?

Hello, I'm Dr. Hunt.

Doctor, this isn't gonna
cause some kind of

long-term erectile dysfunction, is it?

Mom!

I want grandbabies.

There's nothing to worry about.

All his test results came back fine.

Just be careful out
there next time, okay?

All right, man. Thank you, Doc... Wait.

Darnell Hunt?

Darnell Hunt from Reynolds High?

Yes.

It's me, man Bobby Carmichael.

We was in the same class.

Oh, yeah, I remember you.

You used to date that
girl in the wheelchair.

Yeah, that's something I did briefly.

How are you old enough to be a doctor?

Well, after high school
I did four years of college,

then four years of medical school,

then two years of residency

and one year of internship.

And I've been practicing medicine

the last five years.

I'm , just like you.

Oh, yeah. (chuckles)

Okay, I got to go.

It was good seeing you, Bobby.

Take care, everybody.

A young, black doctor.

I bet he drives a Tesla.

I get so proud when I see
black people driving Teslas.

Man, seeing how great Darnell's doing

makes me feel like a loser.

Don't say that, Bobby.
His name is Dr. Hunt.

All right, that settles it.

I know what I got to do.

Bobby Carmichael is going to college.

(laughing)

Well, come on, y'all,

laugh at the boy's joke
about going to college.

Don't hurt his feelings.



That's what I get for
opening up to you all.

Well, now, look, Bobby, how the
hell was I supposed to know

you were serious about
wanting to go to college?

Well, now you know I'm serious.

Should I go?

- Bobby?
- No, mmmm.

Bobby could be the first
Carmichael to go to college.

What kind of family
doesn't support that?

A family full of jackals who
don't care about my future.

Bobby, you are not built for college.

I remember when you were
in the third grade,

and I read your "How I Spent
My Summer Vacation" paper.

I thought, this is a kid
who will never go to college.

But you can't give up on a child

in the third grade.

Yeah, but you didn't read that paper.

The teacher called us in.

She was so upset, poor lady.

She quit a couple weeks after that.

Went back to working at the zoo.

Said she was done
with humans altogether.

Look, I think college is
a scam, anyway.

Bobby, you might as well just
join the Church of Scientology.

At least they give you
industry connections

and a wife to cover up
your h*m*.

Bobby, if you really want
to be successful,

you should focus on developing
your personality.

Being able to charm
and communicate with people

can get you anything you want.

And if your personality is good enough,

you can earn one of those
honorary degrees

like they gave to Bill Cosby.

Before the r*pes.

Come on, don't act like the man
never accomplished anything.

First of all, Jerrod,

your personality is not as
good as you think it is.

And stop being so
dismissive of college.

You can get experiences in college

that you can't get anywhere else.

Like what?

Like an education

or valuable connections that
can help you later in life.

Maxine, those are all things
you can get in prison.

JOE: Well, you know,

college and prison do
have a lot in common.

They both have terrible food,

they force you to have a roommate

and sexual as*ault goes
virtually unpunished.

Okay, college is a lot more than that.

College is nothing like prison.

I can't believe I have to say that.

Well, Maxine,
I don't think you can judge

since you've only been
to one college and zero prisons.

Bobby, in college you can expand
your mind and grow as a person.

I don't know.
I think you can learn more

from YouTube than college, okay?

Look at me.

I mastered origami.

I'm an expert bread maker,

and I'm a midwife.

Bobby, it's just that
when people go to college,

they know what they want to study,

and they have a career in mind.

They have focus and goals
that they want to achieve.

You're just not that guy.

Look, okay, I'm not trying
to be a doctor like Darnell.

I just don't want to do a job I hate.

Want to do something more fulfilling.

Well, I got to get to my
very fulfilling job as TSA.

I sleep well at night
knowing that I protect America

by doing random searches on anyone

with a last name I can't pronounce.

Bobby, college can help you
find a fulfilling career.

Like, I have a client.

He was and homeless,

and then going back to school
turned his entire life around.

In two years, he got
his associate's degree,

and now he's an electrical engineer.

He just electrocuted himself, Maxine.

If you worried about people
thinking that you a failure,

just have a child.

That's a perfect excuse for
your life not to go anywhere.

CYNTHIA: Yeah, Bobby.

Forget about this college.

You could become a parent tomorrow.

We'll just adopt one of them
little Chinese babies.

Well, that settles it.

We gonna be Chinese grandparents.

Bobby, please don't adopt
a Chinese baby.

Think about it.

You're gonna feel
real bad about yourself

when you got a Chinese baby
that's smarter than you

by the time he's seven years old.

Look, okay, I'm not trying
to adopt a Chinese baby.

I just want a career.

Look, you're my parents.

You supposed to encourage me.

Man, you know something? Never mind.

Forget it.

Well, somebody's acting
like a Chinese baby.

(sighs) Don't you guys realize
the damage you do

when you talk to Bobby like that?

No wonder he has low self-esteem.

Do not blame us, Maxine.

We raised Jerrod the exact same way,

and he has more self-esteem
than he deserves.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really do. (scoffs)

I think we all need to go in there,

and we need to go and tell Bobby

that he can do anything
he sets his mind to.

But, Maxine, he can't.

You know, the key to raising kids

is to keep their expectations low.

Now, what does every child

that has sh*t up a
school have in common?

They were being pushed too
hard by their parents.

You can say whatever you like

about Bobby's lack of accomplishments,

but he has never participated
in a school m*ssacre.

Maxine, you can't keep filling him up

with all this ridiculous nonsense

he has no hope of accomplishing.

That's like putting rocket
fuel in a Toyota Corolla.

Listen, saying anyone can do anything

they set their mind to
sounds great in theory,

but it's just not true
for the real world.

It's just a thing we say,

like "Money can't buy happiness"

or "All brides are beautiful."

All I know is Bobby
is in the kitchen right now

feeling completely disempowered.

So if you guys won't tell him
that you believe in him, I will.

Bobby...

I want you to know

that I think you are an extraordinary,

intelligent, sensitive person.

I am sure you can do anything
that you put your mind to.

You mean that?

I do.

Thanks, Maxine. It means a lot.

Hey, son.

(clears throat)

Father.

Your mother and I don't
want you being all...

disempowered.

We're sorry, Bobby.

We didn't mean to hurt you.

We thought you didn't
believe in you, either.

See, we always were trying
to be realistic with you, son.

We didn't want you to aim too high

'cause we didn't want you get hurt.

Look, I know that.

That's why I actually picked a career

that a guy like me can actually do.

I want to be a therapist
just like Maxine.

Wait, what?

- Well, Bobby, you can definitely do that.
- That's a good idea.

And I am so proud of you
for not aiming too high.

You are a great listener, Bobby,

and, you know, I was gonna
suggest hairdresser,

but now this is even better

'cause you don't even have
to learn to cut hair.

So, what you think, Maxine?

Yeah, Maxine.

What do you think?

Bobby's gonna do your job.

It's good.

It's very good, so good.

(laughs)

Maxine, you're not going
over your case files, are you?

I told you, I don't like talking

about inner-city
pedophilia in the morning.

It ruins the breakfast experience.

Jerrod, I'd appreciate it

if you didn't make jokes about my job.

(laughs)

Somebody's still mad.

No, I'm not mad.

Well, just admit it, Maxine.

You're upset because Bobby
thinks he's smart enough

to do your job.

No, Bobby can do many things.

So, you do think Bobby's
smart enough to do your job.

This has nothing to do
with being smart.

It's just that it's-it's
four years of college

and then three years
of grad school and I just,

I just don't think
that Bobby's skills...

Mm-hmm.

...are the right match
to be a therapist.

You mean like the skill of smartness?

(knock at door)

- Oh, thank God you're home.
- What happened?

Well, your brother asked us to
cosign a $ , student loan

at % interest.

I love that boy, but only up to $ , .

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Maxine. The bank classified him

as an extraordinarily high risk.

Apparently, they don't believe
in him as much as you do.

So, what did you tell him?

Nothing. We just said we were thirsty

and we went in the kitchen,

then we snuck out the back door.

Well, you should know
that Maxine doesn't think

he's smart enough to be
a therapist, either.

What?! Well, why the hell
did you encourage him

in the first place?


I did not say that
Bobby wasn't smart enough

and this has nothing to do with anyone

being smarter than anyone else.

I know that you can't
rank people like that.

Of course you can;
that's what schools do.

They rank you from the
smartest to the dumbest people.

Maxine, we all think it, whether
we say it out loud or not.

Like in this room, I'd say it goes me,

then you, then Mom, then Dad.

I don't think that's fair, Jerrod.

It's Dad, then you,
then me, then Maxine.

That is very sweet, honey,
but I've always said

women are smarter than men.

That means it's you,
then me, then Jerrod,

then Maxine. Yes.

Okay, I don't believe
in ranking in people,

but I know I shouldn't be
at the bottom.

(knock at door)

Hey, Jerrod.

Joe, Cynthia,

I've been looking for y'all.

Bobby quit his job so
he can go to school full-time,

- so we gonna have to move in with y'all.
- What?!

You should know that
I got three rules, okay?

I smoke weed when I want,
I play the trumpet when I want

and the third one's a secret.

Joe, Bobby cannot move back in.

I hate looking him in the eye
every morning at breakfast,

pretending like I didn't
hear him up there

listening to that p*rn
the night before.

Y'all need to move in
with Jerrod and Maxine.

She's the one that started all this.

Okay, cool.

Look, I got three rules.

Maxine, look what you've done.

You've destroyed our family
by believing in Bobby.

Now we got to listen

to Nekeisha's trumpet
solos every night.

And I'm gonna admit it,

I'm not good.

I cannot believe Bobby quit his job.

Mm-hmm, and he trying
to bankrupt this family.

And for what, Maxine?
Just so you can make a point?

(sighs) Fine, I will go
crush his dreams.

Is that what you want to hear?

- Thank you.
- Yeah, finally. - Yeah.

Bobby!

BOBBY: I'm in the kitchen, Ma.

Hey, where did you guys go?

I've been looking
for you for minutes.

Maxine, go.

I don't know,
maybe I shouldn't do this.

It could devastate him.

Maxine...

finish him.

No, no, I'm just playing.

Good luck in there.

Hey, Bobby.

Oh, hey, look, check this out.

Central Piedmont Community College.

And they asked me who's
my biggest inspiration.

And I was gonna type in
Frederick Douglass,

but screw Frederick Douglass.

My biggest inspiration is Maxine.

You know, Frederick Douglass

ain't did nothing compared to you.

(laughs)

Uh, listen, Bobby, I
think we need to talk.

(sighs) Um...

so, before I decided
to study psychology,

I had other career ambitions
that just weren't right for me.

You know, like, at one point,

I thought I wanted
to be a veterinarian,

but then I realized I would
have to euthanize animals

and I don't have what it
takes to look into the eyes

of a poor, innocent
creature and destroy it.

Um, so my point is, um... (sighs)

...if I'm really being honest,

I'm just not confident

that you are able to be a therapist.

Really?

(sighs)

Damn, Maxine.

It's just that you're starting so late,

and the program is really rigorous,

and now it turns out that you're
gonna have to move back home

and put your parents'
finances on the line.

I just, I just don't
have a lot of confidence

that this is gonna work out
and that it's worth the risk.

Um, I'm sorry.

I just felt like you
needed to hear the truth.

Wow.

Wow, that-that hurts.

I mean, I'm used to people
telling I can't do something,

but I never thought
it would come from you.

(sighs) You see, Maxine,

I always thought it was me and you

against the rest of the family.

What do you mean?

It's 'cause, you know,

nobody take us seriously.

Oh.

Um, I guess I never really
thought about it like that.

Look.

When Jerrod brought you home,
I finally thought, like,

wow, there's somebody in
this family just like me.

You see, Maxine, me and you got
the same function, you know?

We're feelers, right?

You know, w-we're able
to deal with our emotions.

Somebody like Jerrod attaches
himself to people like us,

so we can feel his feelings for him.

Hmm.

Bobby, that was really insightful.

You have an emotional intelligence

that not enough people
give you credit for.

I know.

That's why I wanted to be a therapist.

You know what, Bobby?

Forget everything I just said.

Come with me.

I want everyone to listen to me.

Bobby has decided to become a therapist

and I intend to support him.

Oh no, Joe, look in his eyes.

He look like he's full of hope.

What are we gonna do?

I just can't talk Bobby out
of doing something important

that he is passionate about.

And I know you think what I
do for a living is a joke,

but I put my heart
and soul into my work.

My days are filled

with stories of r*pe and
addiction and homelessness.

And sure, I come home
emotionally exhausted

and I eat my lunch alone in
my car most days so I can cry.

And maybe %

of the cases that come across
my desk wind up as failures,

but I give them everything I have

for practically no pay
because it's worth it.

It's worth it

for the heroin addict
who's gonna get AIDS

if I don't get him
access to clean needles.

It is worth it for the teen mom

who is about to give birth alone.

That's what I do

and that's what Bobby is gonna do

because we care about helping people.

Damn, Maxine.

Your job sounds horrible.

And I'd rather be
electrocuted any day, okay?

Look, I'm sorry for
wasting everybody's time.

I haven't gave this
career thing much thought.

I'm-a go back.

Maxine, Maxine. Excuse me, Maxine.

Lunch time!

Well, I didn't mean to discourage him.

I meant to encourage him.

Yeah, I guess next time you're
trying to encourage someone

you shouldn't use the words
"r*pe," "heroin," and "AIDS."

(laughs) Look at you, man.

more hours and I get my license.

I think you found your calling, son.

You know, you're very easy to talk to.

Can I tell you something
I've never told anyone?

Come on, Clyde, look...
that's what I'm here for.

I'm your barber.

I'm gay.

At first I thought it was just a
phase that I was going through

or something I would
just do on the weekend,

but years later, here I am,

married with children and
it's all just built on a lie.

Look, Clyde, you can't
undo what's been done.

You just need to focus
on loving yourself.

Look, man, never apologize

for who you really are.

Damn, you're good.

Thanks for not judging me.

But if my wife ever finds out
about this, I'll k*ll you.

Of course, that goes without saying.

That'll be $ .
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