♪♪
Deborah Sampson dressed
as a man to fight
in the Revolutionary w*r.
(Laughs)
What the f*ck?
I'm talking to America!
The Nazis didn't know that Rose
is like the dopest spy.
She's like, I'ma... I'ma tell er'body.
(Laughs)
Wait, hold up, I'm toasted.
Clara Barton was like,
♪ Watch out everybody ♪
♪ 'Cause the Union is coming ♪
♪ f*cking a suck a d*ck ♪
(Laughs)
(Patriotic music)
(Vocalizing)
All right, you gonna make me a drink?
I like your bar.
Oh, wow.
- Prepared ice.
- (Stammers)
- Thank you.
- "Prepared ice"?
What's not "prepared ice"?
Water.
There you go.
(Both laugh)
Hello, I'm Paget Brewster,
and today we will be
discussing Deborah Sampson,
the first woman to take
a b*llet for America.
Cheers.
Okay. In Plympton, Massachusetts
Deborah Sampson becomes
an indentured servant
to Jeremiah Thomas.
Lucky for her,
Jeremiah was a fierce patriot
and taught her how to do everything
that other girls weren't being taught.
And so she grows up to
be an incredible badass.
So she's thinking, What
the f*ck am I gonna be?
I want adventure.
I want to serve my country.
So, I think... I think I want...
yeah, I wanna fight in
the Revolutionary w*r.
So, she sews a men's outfit.
She's like, I'm gonna make
trousers... or britches...
trouser britches and a waistcoat
- and a...
- What's a waistcoat?
Waistcoat, I think is a...
vest... coat?
Just a waste.
- What?
- It's just a waste.
(Scoffs) You're...
- Hmm?
- You're approaching dad humor,
but you're not a dad.
How do you know?
Oh!
Do you have a "bebe"?
(Laughs)
Okay, so she sews everything up,
cuts her hair off.
She also has to take gauze
and strap her boobs down.
Was she like, Oh, my gauze?
- What?
- Was she like, Oh, my gauze?
Oh, my gauze.
(Sighs deeply) Holy sh...
I'm just embracing my fatherhood.
- But, uh...
- (Laughs)
So, Deborah Sampson
looks at this young man
and says, my name's Robert.
Robert Shirtliff.
And they accept her...
him...
into George Washington's Army.
Wow.
And she develops
an incredible reputation.
All the other soldiers are saying,
holy sh*t, this Robert Shirtliff,
he's a f*cking badass.
He's right out in front.
He's the fastest runner in the Army.
But at Terrytown,
in the middle of the Revolutionary w*r,
Robert... Deborah, is
fighting the British
and out of the blue, blam-o!
She gets sh*t in the thigh
with a musket ball.
What the f*ck?
Deborah Sampson is
historically the first woman
to take a b*llet for America.
The other soldiers
are like, Dude, Bobby,
Bobby Shirtliff, you okay?
But she has to keep her identity safe.
So she's like...
(Groans)
Yup, got this, got this.
I'm good.
You're cool. I'm cool.
(Coughs)
That voice is hard.
- Okay.
- (Laughs)
Oh!
This is where it gets crazy.
She slinks off to the woods
like, f*ck this.
I cannot go to the hospital.
I cannot let anyone find
out that I'm a woman.
So, she takes out a penknife,
jams it into her thigh,
(groans) sh*t!
Gotta dig out this musket ball.
Digs it out, she's like, well, sh*t,
I can sew.
Sews it up and says, America...
I care about you so much.
Ugh, f*ck, I'm gonna cry.
I don't wanna cry.
Let it out, you can cry.
What the f*ck?
I'm talking to America!
(Laughs)
Okay, unfortunately,
Deborah gets f*cking crazy fever sick.
Like...
(Mumbles)
Can't bu... bur... bah!
Passed out, fever, f*cked up.
She's hospitalized.
The one thing she's
been trying to avoid.
So, Dr. Barnabas Binney is like,
Okay, here's the soldier.
Kinda a badass soldier.
All right, I'll see what's wrong.
Takes off Robert Shirtliff's clothing.
What?
There's...
like... binding on the chest.
Maybe there's something
wrong there here.
Cuts it open, boobs!
And he... goes ohh...
uh...
okay.
Uh, it's so crazy how it seems so easy
when you're so... ber
to tell a story.
Mm-hmm.
Wait, where was I?
Wait! I know!
So, he takes care of her
- for seven months.
- _
And she says, thank you
for taking care of me.
If there's anything I can
do to repay your kindness,
please let me know.
And he says, actually,
will you do me a favor
and take a letter to my
friend General John Paterson?
So, she delivers the letter
to John Paterson.
General says, thank you...
young lady.
He reads this letter and
looks at her and says,
Private... Robert Shirtliff.
(Dramatic music)
Are you... a woman...
pretending to be a man...
to be a soldier?
And she says, General, I-I...
I only lied because I
wanted to serve my country.
Please don't send me to jail.
And he says, young lady,
I think what you've done
is better and braver and stronger
than so many men
and I'm gonna give you a dishonorable...
I'm gonna give you... sorry.
I'm gonna give you an
honorable discharge.
And then Paul Revere...
the f*cking superstar
of the American Revolution... is like,
I'm a big American hero,
but I think you're the sh*t, babe.
(Uplifting music)
It's incredible that
more than years ago,
this woman wanted to make a difference,
so she becomes this crossdressing,
b*llet-digging badass
who fought her balls off...
L-O-L.
No pun intended.
Hm, who's the dad joke now?
♪♪
(Laughs)
(Deep voice) Stay tuned.
(Soft voice) For more "Drunk History."
(Sighing)
That's my girl.
♪♪
♪♪
Back in the day when I used to date
drug dealers and g*ng bangers,
I make a dude color and
if you stay in the lines,
- you know what I'm saying?
- That's... (Laughs)
You know, one of 'em hit me up from jail
and he was like, you know,
my most happiest memory
of being free is when you
invite me to your place
and I thought I was gonna hit it,
and I'm coloring in this book.
I had this coloring book.
(Both laughing)
The whole messed up thing about it is,
I never did get to hit it.
I was like, 'cause you was
outside the lines, homie.
- (Laughs)
- Outside the lines.
Hi.
Hello.
(Laughs)
I'm Tiffany Haddish, and
today we're gonna talk about
Rose Valland.
(Slurps)
♪ She ready ♪
So, it's France, October .
Rose Valland, the assistant curator
with the Jeu de Paume Museum,
she's like, you know what I know?
Art.
Then all of a sudden there, boom.
Nazis everywhere.
They took over the museum
like, this our spot!
This where we 'gon be at!
Ayy!
(Laughs) She's like, oh, sh**t,
it's Germans everywhere.
And what they doing is,
robbing the French Jews
and now they storing all
this stolen art up in there.
And you know why? You know why?
- Hm.
- Do you know why? Let me tell you why.
Because h*tler
was like a proclaimed artist
and he tried to get into this school.
He was denied because he
couldn't stay in the lines.
Uh-oh.
He told his boys,
y'all go out there and
y'all get all the artwork.
Now, if it's German art, it's good,
but if it ain't German
art, burn that sh*t up.
'Cause h*tler was mad
'cause he didn't to get in
to the university.
'Cause you mad you didn't
get to get in to school.
My p*ssy wet. Don't worry about it.
(Laughs)
But, Rose is like,
the dopest spy.
They up there talking...
(Imitates German)
They didn't know she spoke German.
She like this, hmm.
Taking notes. Taking
notes. Taking notes.
Okay?
So, uh...
different people that
worked under h*tler
would show up to the museum often.
Like his main man.
His name was Hermann Goring, right?
Now, Hermann, you know, he so ratchet.
- (Laughs)
- He like, gimme.
That's the best!
Run me that!
Run me that right there.
Ooh, that's nice.
Hey, hey, hey, give
me something to drink.
Bring me some champagne up in here
while I'm in here picking the best art.
And Rose would be like...
(In French accent) I don't know why
these f*ckers are here.
He's so lazy.
(Normal) Why you even wanna tell me
where you stole it from?
Do you know who I am?
I'ma... I'ma... I'ma tell er'body.
She go get the wine and Hermann be like,
Oh... (Slurps)
Magnifique! This is a...
Oh, no, wait, no. He was German.
He be like... (Slurps)
(Imitates German) Delicious!
- (Laughs)
- Right? You know.
(Laughs) Wait, hold up.
I'm toasted.
I'm sorry.
How you feel?
I feel... fantastic.
(Laughs)
Anyways, they would load
these pieces of art up on the train.
The Nazis was putting a lot of stuff
down in these deep, dark caves.
You hiding stuff in caves?
You hiding... freaking...
van Goghs in a coal mine?
That's disrespectful.
And Rose would be like,
I'ma memorize this.
I'm "memorinizing" all of it.
Sounding ghetto as hell.
(Both laughing)
Did you know I was Jewish?
I didn't until tonight.
'Cause my father's Jewish,
but my mama's a Jehovah's Witness.
So I'm a JewJo.
(Both laugh)
So, uh, it's December ,
James Rorimer shows up
trying to holla at Rose.
Rose, I know you know everything.
I need you to get me all the information
that you have.
Where are all the treasures.
She's like, I don't know you like that.
Who is you?
He's like, I'm James Rorimer.
I'm with the Monuments Men.
Now this was a collection
of men and womens
who went out to save the
existence of their culture.
Rose, she was dope.
She was like, boom.
I got these addresses right here.
Check this out.
They would stop trains,
they would go to salt mines,
they was knocking...
knocking people out.
Some people d*ed, some people lived,
but the art was saved.
She saved like over
, pieces of culture.
She's a heroine.
(Epic music)
And then finally Rose is like,
go to Hermann Goring's house.
Sent him over there, boom.
$ million worth
of treasures, culture, art.
She hooked that up,
and Hermann Goring was
pissed as hell at her.
Like, I can't believe
she snitched on me!
And when she was bringing me all these
glasses of champagne.
And then Rose does the Nay Nay.
Eh!
(Laughs)
But he couldn't do nothing about it,
'cause now he a prisoner of w*r.
And h*tler k*lled himself...
they say.
I think he hanging out with Tupac.
(Hip-hop music)
(Laughing)
(Both laughing)
♪♪
(Laughs)
♪♪
♪♪
♪ You don't own me ♪
(Gasps)
- What?
- You know what?
Every time you f*cking sing a song,
I realize we are the exact same person.
You try to act like
you're some white dude,
- but you're not.
- I'm not white.
You're some f*cking black lady
from f*cking Omaha, Nebraska.
We are the same person.
(Laughs)
Hey, everyone, my name is Amber Ruffin
and I'm gonna talk to you today about
the Angel of the
b*ttlefield, Clara Barton.
(Laughs)
Okay, our story begins
during the Civil w*r.
It's got f*cking fatalities,
f*cking people are...
(Gasps)
- (Whispers) I'm cussing so bad.
- (Whispers) It's okay.
(Whispers) Okay.
So, the Union Army's
surgeon, Dr. James Dunn,
was like, hey, dudes,
this is some bullshit.
We are low on antiseptic,
we are low on bandages.
We do not have the supplies
to handle the amount of bloodshed.
(Laughs)
Okay.
Meanwhile, a teacher, Clara Barton,
is like, I will worry
about the soldiers...
of the Union Army.
Hello, government,
we need more medical supplies.
Can you help me help
your f*cking soldiers?
And the government is like,
Uh...
blahh...
No.
- (Laughs)
- And she's like, you know what?
Your bitch ass needs to
f*cking come correct.
They're like, we will not come f*cking
com... come correct. (Laughs)
- (Liquid sloshes)
- Oh, no!
I spilled it!
I'm sorry I'm yelling.
Oh, my gosh!
I'm also sorry for being sorry
'cause who does that help?
No one!
(Screams)
- (Laughs)
- Okay, so,
she asks The Ladies' Aid Society...
Send me medical supplies
and I will bring them to...
the f*ckin' front lines.
Meanwhile, in Sharpsburg, Maryland,
f*cking the Confederate General
Robert E. Lee was like,
it is September th, .
And that's when the
Battle of Antietam began.
The Battle of Antietam!
Ba-ba-boom!
(Laughs)
The Battle of Antietam was
the bloodiest single-day battle
in American history.
So, James Dunn is like, we
are grossly underprepared.
And it's at that exact moment
that in bursts Clara Barton
with a train of wagons
filled with supplies and she's like,
♪ Watch out, everybody,
'cause the Union is coming ♪
♪ f*cking suck a d*ck ♪
(Laughs)
You're welcome, everybody.
I brought yo ass everything you need.
Dr. James Dunn is like,
I need antiseptic.
She's like, I got that sh*t.
He's like, do you have bandages?
She's like, yeah, bitch, I got bandages.
He's like, what we need
is f*cking normal sh*t
like socks and food.
And she's like, you know what?
Abracadabra, bitch.
And he's like, Oh, my God, you are
the Angel of the b*ttlefield.
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
She's like, stop thanking
me, I have work to do.
She starts working on wounded soldiers
with no experience whatsoever.
And at that moment, a
b*llet pierces her sleeve
and she's like, do you
see this sh*t, dude?
And the guy is like,
I don't see that sh*t 'cause I'm dead.
'Cause the b*llet that
pierced her sleeve,
k*lled the very guy she was saving.
So she's like, this sucks,
but I am going to move
on to the next thing.
And move on to the next thing she does!
(Laughs)
And at the end of the day,
uh, Dr. James Dunn is sitting by himself
in a dark barn.
Clara Barton is like,
Dr. Dunn, what the f*ck are you doing?
He's like, I am depressed.
Night has fallen, I can't see sh*t.
Hundreds of soldiers will die.
Clara Barton is like,
Bitch, don't you know?
She grabs him by the hand,
she takes him to another barn...
(Uplifting music)
And this barn is lit with lanterns.
She's like, you think
I f*cking brought yo ass socks,
but I didn't bring you lanterns
to f*cking light your surgeries?
The f*ck is wrong with you?
And he's like, I love you so much.
You are truly the Angel
of the b*ttlefield.
Clara Barton is like,
you done called me that already.
f*cking come up with some new sh*t.
(Belches)
She doesn't burp.
But I wish she did...
so that I could also burp.
She's like, Amber, if you feel
like burping, you can burp.
And I'm like, I'm
drunker than you think.
And she's like, you are very drunk.
And I'm like, I am.
(Both laugh)
♪♪
(Whispers) Derek, I'm so drunk.
(Whispers) You're all good.
I need you to say it's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, so...
it's the end of the w*r,
and everyone is like, Clara Barton,
you rule,
and someone special
wants to meet with you...
President Abraham Lincoln!
(Laughs)
And President Lincoln is like,
Clara Barton, you did such a good job
at the Battle of Antietam,
you need to be the head
of the oc... office...
offices... the occif... the office.
Lincoln is drunk,
but what he means is...
Clara Barton, you need to be
the head of
the office of
missing soldiers.
She's like, I will.
I super will.
And so she finds over , soldiers.
President Lincoln is
like, bitch is on fire.
And then, they kiss.
Just kidding, they never kissed.
- (Laughs)
- Um...
and then ,
Clara Barton started
the American chapter
of the Red Cross.
Clara Barton is like, I am the founder
of the American Red Cross.
Plus, I'm the angel of the b*ttlefield.
I f*cking changed America itself.
I win.
And everyone is like, you do win.
(Rousing music)
The end.
(Sighs)
(Laughs)
That was great.
(Clicks tongue)
f*cking thanks, Clara.
Do you want some water real quick?
No. Water's for pussies.
(Laughs)
♪♪
♪♪
I just want to say...
to America, thank you very much
for watching "Drunk History"
and taking it as serious as I do.
(Laughs)
- (Laughs)
- What?
05x01 - Heroines
Watch/Buy Amazon
"Drunk History" is presented by an inebriated narrator struggling to recount events from American history, while A-list talent perform historical reenactments.
"Drunk History" is presented by an inebriated narrator struggling to recount events from American history, while A-list talent perform historical reenactments.