05x07 - Drunk Mystery

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, Alison Rich tells the tale

of famed novelist Agatha Christie

and how she entered her own mystery

when she vanished into thin air.

Then, Kyle Mooney introduces
us to the mysterious man

who boarded a plane, demanded a ransom,

and parachuted into the night,

leaving only his name, D.B. Cooper.

Finally, Georgia Hardstark attempts

to solve the mystery

behind the unknown
letter writer terrorizing

the town of Circleville, Ohio.

So join us tonight as we re-open

these brand-new historic mysteries

as well as a brand-new
bottle of bourbon...

On "Drunk Mystery."

(Tense music)

(Sighs)

Hello.

(Giggles)

- Already gold.
- (Laughing)

Already gold.

Whoo. Okay.

Hello. I'm Alison Rich,

and today we will be talking
about Agatha Christie.

(Laughter)

Okay.

Our story begins in England.

It's : p.m., December , .

Famed mystery writer Agatha Christie.

She's kind of like the
Stephen King of the s.

Packed a small suitcase,
walks out of her house,

and she disappears.

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

Mystery.

Um...

So the next day, a gypsy
boy named George Bess

is walking along, and then he
comes to the bottom of a hill,

and he's like, whoa!

What's this car doing here?

Cars don't... aren't
at the bottom of hills.

And the car has the hood popped,

and a door is open,

and lights are on,

so he calls the police.

The police come, and
Deputy Chief Constable

William Kenward was like, you know what?

I'm on the case, and I'm gonna
search the sh*t out of this.

(Laughs)

And he looks inside, and
there's an expired license

and a piece of paper, and they say,

Agatha... Christie.

It's called vocal fry.

So. (Laughs)

(Giggles)

(Giggling)

(Laughing)

(Chuckles)

(Laughing) Ohh.

Okay.

So he's like, oh, my God.

There's been a mystery with
our own mystery writer.

So then, William Kenward is like,

I'm gonna get scouts.

I'm gonna get bloodhounds.

I'm gonna get divers.

I'm gonna get planes.

We've never used planes
before to search for someone,

but, you know what, I'm
gonna f*cking do it.

- Wow.
- They f*cking were searching

like, to the max.

But no dice.

They don't find her.

sh*t.

So Kenward's like, okay.

What I'm gonna do is, we're
in the middle of a mystery...

I'm gonna get two mystery
writers to help find her.

So he employs the help of
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,

AKA the writer of "Sherlock Holmes,"

and then this lady Dorothy
L. Sayers, who we don't know.

(Laughs)

But then somebody comes in like, ooh!

Record scratch.

Oh, what?

Don't worry about it. We found Agatha.

(Laughs)

So days after she disappeared,

people are waiting, being like,

what happened to famed mystery
writer Agatha Christie?

Where did she go?

And she's like, I don't know.

I can't... I can't help you.

The police are like, what?

Really disappointing.
We were all searching for her,

but she's just here?

So the police were left to
just like piece together

what had happened over those days.

So flashback.

Okay, at the time, December , ,

um, Agatha is having a tough time.

Okay? She's .

And... life is punching
her in the tits, okay?

Like, her marriage is on the rocks,

and her husband Archie
is being a d*ck about it.

He was like, I want
to marry my secretary,

but I'm already married.

(Scoffs)

This f*cking wife of mine.

So she starts to exhibit the
signs of a nervous breakdown.

And Archie's like, hey,
I'm gonna leave you.

I'm gonna leave you for my secretary

because I like her better than you.

And she's like, wow!

Really cool.

She was like, you know what?

I'm gonna go to...

I'm gonna leave.

I'm gonna drive to London.

So she starts driving to London...

Bash! Bam!

Car accident.
She gets into a car accident.

So hours later,

very mysteriously, she
arrives at this spa

and hotel called the Swan Hydropathic

in Harrogate,

miles from where she had been.

She checks in.

And she's like, hey, look at me.

I'm wearing glasses.

I wasn't wearing glasses before,

and I've got a different hairstyle.

What?

Did she stage her own disappearance?

Or did she have a mental break?

- Whoa.
- Right?

And she's like my name is Teresa Neele.

I'm from Capetown, South Africa.

I've just lost a child.

Please lay off my back.

I'm trying to recuperate.

Um, that's all there is to it.

(Raspberries)

And the hotel people are like,
okay, too much information.

And then she's like, you know what?

I'm gonna have a great time.

I'm gonna like, live it up.

She gets some beauty treatments.

She goes dancing.

Chilling out, maxin', and relaxing.

All cool.

(Laughs)

And she's reading her own story.

Like, ooh.

What's going on in the news?

This is interesting.

The weather's gonna be ,

and there's lady missing named Agatha...

Christie. (Laughs)

(Giggling)

So...

Be careful with that drink.

It's fine, Derek!

(Laughing)

So...

Meanwhile, a chambermaid is like,

wait, um, aren't you her?

Aren't you this person?

And she's just like, I don't
know what you're saying.

So the police...

This is really bothering me.

- I'm so afraid...
- No, no, no.

That's gonna fall.

Okay, so...

(Laughs)

So.

(Laughing)

I got it.

(Laughing)

So. (Laughing)

So.

The police didn't know
what to make of it.

They were like, this
is a publicity stunt

for her new book, "The
m*rder of Roger Ackroyd."

And some of them are like,

this is her trying to
get back at her husband.

And others are like,

she was in a car crash,
so she had amnesia.

But so Agatha's like,

I don't know. You know what?

But what I do know is
I have a new attitude.

I'm gonna divorce my husband

and I'm gonna go on to write novels,

and are gonna be mystery novels.

And I'm gonna be such
a best-selling author

that the only person
who beats me... or...

literature that beats me is the Bible.

And...

Shakespeare.

And that is exactly what she did.

She was the huge success.

She never speaks of the event again.

Oh, P.S., I forgot to say,

that at one point,
Agatha said to her sister,

I can disappear at any
point if I wanted to.

I know how to do it.

I know all the stuff,
'cause I know mysteries.

So if I disappear,

maybe I know how to do it.

(Laughing)

Okay, great.

I feel like I could say my
"I'm Alison Rich," now, better.

- You wanna do it?
- Do you want me to say that?

Yeah.

(Sighs)

Hello. (Laughing)

I'm Alison Rich.

(Laughing)

Oh, no!

♪♪

Laughing?

I hope so.

But what's more important is that you

sit back, relax, and help us all solve

a drunk mystery.

So now we're gonna go crazy, right?

Yeah, let's go crazy.

A little bit of this.

Wait, you're not gonna
cheers... all right.

Give me another one.

And we'll cheers after that.

♪♪

Hi, I'm Kyle.

(Laughs)

Sorry.

Hello, I'm Kyle Mooney,

and today I'll... I'll be discussing

D.B. Cooper.

(Laughs)

So it's Thanksgiving
Eve, November , .

Dan Cooper, normal dude,

-something,

calls over a flight attendant,

Florence Shaffner.

He pulls out a little piece of paper.

It's a little note.

She looks at it and reads that,

and it says, hey, I've got a b*mb.

I need $ ,

in $ bills, unmarked,

and two sets of sports parachutes.

And he just opens the
briefcase slightly,

and she can see cylindrical objects

that are red and some
wires connected to them,

and a big battery.

And she's like, whoa!

Okay.

Um...

So she goes up to the
cockpit and is like,

hey, um, excuse me.

There's something you
might want to know about.

So the pilot is like,

yeah, we don't want the
plane to... explode.

There's a lot of... people.

So the plane finally lands,

and the passengers all get off,

but the pilot and just a couple

flight attendants stay.

And now he's got little,
like, black shades on.

And they're like,

hey, man, here's your money.

And two sets of paracutes.

And the pilot comes up.

He's like, anything else?

For sure.

I need you to fly this plane
to Mexico City via Reno.

So once the plane is at
, feet in the air,

he straps all the cash to himself,

goes to the end of the plane,

opens an exit,

and he's like,

yeah, okay.

I'm officially cool.

♪♪

(Chuckling)

Now the crew is like,

uh, is... do we... is the...
the... did he... is the...

do we have the b*mb?

And they're like, no.

The b*mb's not here.

Well, that's not bad.

That's good.

Oh, look cigarette butts.

Oh, look, this clip-on tie.

That's what he left us.

All right, let's eat some pizza.

Excuse me.

You okay?

I'm fine.

- Did you wanna go...
- So what?

What are we trying to do over here?

(Mumbles)

(Laughing)

Anyway, so the main FBI guy.

Ralph Himmelsbach.

He's like, what does he look like?

They're like, oh, he's
a... I saw him in a suit.

Yeah, I think he had a nice tie.

Well, what'd you see that he had a...

did you see that he
had the sunglasses on?

Yeah, I did see the sunglasses.

I liked 'em too.

And they're drawing the picture.

Hey, this might be what our
good, old hijacker looks like.

And then a local reporter

trying his best to
make a name for himself

he's like, I don't know... okay.

I think his name is D.B. Cooper.

No.

The guy's name is Dan Cooper.

But thus started the
legend of D.B. Cooper.

And the FBI was able
to dwindle the suspects

to a couple dozen,

but ultimately it's
like, these guys don't...

it doesn't match up.

Anyway, cut to .

And a young kid just north of Portland

is digging around on the
beach of the Columbia River.

He finds $ , in $ bills

with the serial numbers matching those

given to Dan Cooper.

He was like, hey, I... look what I got.

The FBI was like,

oh, sh**t.

And now the manhunt
starts all over again.

So Ralph is like,

okay, let's d... check out the DNA

from what Cooper left.

Guess what happens?

He's like, oh, wow.

Cigarettes are gone.

They mysteriously disappeared.

Let's check out the tie.

The tie that he left...
it's like science can't...

that's so old, you know what I mean?

Like, it might not work anymore.

So after years,

of trying to figure this out,

the FBI in goes,

I guess we didn't do it this time.

We tried our best.

I think we gotta say case closed.

You know what?

This is what we like to call

an unsolved...

Guy.

And then the other guy was like,

no, unsolved mystery.

And he's like, exactly.

And that is the only
unsolved hijacking in

United States history.

(Mysterious music)

So where is D.B. Cooper?

Ya-tuh-meh.

What was that? "Ya-tuh-meh"?

Don't ruin this for America for me.

(Laughing, clapping)

♪♪

Okay, here we go.

Hi, I'm Georgia Hardstark,

and today we'll be discussing
the Circleville letters.

Good?

(Belches)

Just great.

Okay, good.

Okay, so it begins in
Circleville, Ohio, in .

Small town, everyone is like,

oh, hi, like, we're friends.

Like, nothing bad happens here,

and they're like, I don't
even lock my f*cking doors!

Because everything is
so safe around here.

Can I say f*ck?

- Always.
- Okay.

So no one suspects anything is wrong.

- It's Circleville.
- It's Circleville.

And then suddenly all the residents...

like, thousands of them...

start getting creepy, weird,
cryptic anonymous letters.

One lady opens her mail, and it's like,

we know what you do on a Tuesday night.

I know you have this many kids,

and, like, we... you've been bad.

So all these letters... they're
all sent from Columbus, Ohio.

And the writing is
super creepy and blocky.

(Gulps)

Uh, yes, gulp indeed.

And the person who's getting
the most threatening mail is

a school bus driver
named Mary Gillespie.

Her email...

nope.

(Laughing)

Her letters are like,
hey, we... we... or I

know that you're having an affair

with the superintendent of the school

who is named Gordon Massie.

And you better come out with the affair,

or I'm gonna tell everyone,
and I'm gonna, like,

post signs around town, and like,

put it on CB radios and stuff.

Which is, like, so sweet and ' s.

So Mary tells her husband Ron there's...

there's no affair happening.

This is insane.

This writer has been sending
these messages to everyone.

Clearly he's a creep and a crazy person.

And Ron is like,

I believe you.

So. (Laughs)

(Clears throat) So.

Ron and Mary get together with
Ron's sister and her husband,

Paul Freshour.

And they're like, help us.

And they are like, what's...
you know, we support you.

I don't know what's going on,

but we'll help you,
and we're here for you.

So Mary and the sister-in-law
go out of town to, like,

have a ladies' weekend and get away.

And while they're out of town,

Ron is at home with the kids,

gets a phone call, picks up the phone,

and is like, hey, hi.

What's going on?

Hey, this is Ron Gillespie.

What's the deal?

And whatever they f*cking
say pisses Ron off

so badly that Ron is like,

give me my g*n!

I'm gonna be back.

I think I'm gonna be
back, except I'm not.

And, like, runs.

(Laughs)

Oops.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so anyway.

A few hours later,

there's a car accident.

Ron is dead.

And the cops come, and he
has his shotgun in the car.

The shotgun has been fired once.

And they're like, oh,
he was just sh*t-faced

and drove into a tree.

But then they got letters
from the letter writer saying

like, what are you talking about?

This was a m*rder.

Like, you're being...
like, he was telling them

that they were wrong.

So a couple years
later... this is ...

Mary is driving her school bus

and drives by a sign that
says Mary Gillespie sucks.

And here's what's gonna happen
if you don't, like, respond.

And she's like f*ck this.

I'm done with this.

And goes to pull the sign down,

and there's a f*cking booby-trapped g*n

behind the sign.

Jeez!

I know.

And so they traced the serial numbers

that were partially scratched off

to Paul Freshour.

Hey, Paul, Mary's
f*cking brother-in-law.

And they convict him

based on the serial numbers alone.

And guess what?

The letters kept coming

from Columbus.

And Paul was getting them in prison.

And they're like, you'll
never get out of there.

No one will ever believe you.

Go f*ck yourself.

Mm. That's a red flag.

Something's fishy.

Mm.

Mm.

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

That was "Law and Order"?

That was a ♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

I think that's like, this is creepy.

Okay.

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

(Laughter)

All right, where was I?

There I was. Okay.

So.

So in ' ,

everyone's favorite show
as a child that scared

the ever-loving sh*t out of us

in the best possible way...

"Unsolved Mysteries"...

- The best.
- The best.

Comes to Circleville, Ohio,
to do a story on the letters

and the possible m*rder and
what the f*ck is happening.

Everyone's like, we couldn't
believe this happened here.

And then "Unsolved
Mysteries" got a letter from

the Circleville Letter Writer.

And it said forget Circleville.

If you guys come to Circleville,

you... you freakos will pay.

- Wow.
- I know.

I think we should solve this mystery.

All right, so

uh... mm...

What do you think?

You know who talks?

Kids.

You know who listens to kids?

Nobody.

A bus driver.

(Gasps)

So what does... what does that mean?

My theory is that she
would be the perfect person

to know what was going on
in other people's lives.

Because she was hearing the kids talk

about their parents.

Oh, my God.

- Right?
- You're smart.

So Ron Gillespie could
have been suspicious

that Mary is having an affair.

Are you cheating on me?

No, I love you with my whole heart.

What are... what are these?

Who wrote these?

Please, you're not making any sense.

You're being hysterical.

And then maybe she steals the g*n

from her f*cking brother-in-law.

And set up the booby trap.

Exactly.

School bus driver?

More like I dropped out of school

to become the greatest
criminal of the kind.

And then Paul went to
prison having no idea.

I totally buy this.

(Dramatic tones)

Cheers, Georgia.

Let's solve every m*rder.

To us.

To us.

The night is young, and so are we.

(Scoffs) I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- I am.

?

Mm-hmm.

(Tense music)