05x08 - World w*r II

[bunniefuu]

You will be in charge of a ghost army.

Get those tanks blown up.

So they blow up tanks.

This glass hits my teeth too much.

Well, it's time for you to
go to your internment camp.

This is completely
in... unconstitutional.

Take it from a drunk guy...
this is [bleep] ridiculous.

Because of World w*r II,
h*tler's nephew was like,

"Yo, I want to fight for the U.S."

Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

Buckle your seat belt.

(Patriotic music)

♪♪

(Dramatic music)

♪♪

We're gonna have a dirty gin martini.

- Were you a bartender?
- I was for a little bit.

It's the only job I've
ever been fired from.

Well, that might be
a little too much gin.

This martini glass

is a Cheesecake Factory martini glass.

Is that where you were
the bartender of...

No, I wasn't. I was a waiter
at The Cheesecake Factory

for two years.

Hello, I'm John Lutz.

Today we'll be talking

about the history of
The Cheesecake Factory.

No, no, no, no, we got to
talk about the Ghost Army.

- The Ghost Army.
- Sorry, cheesecakes.

Sorry, Cheesecake Factory.

We'll see you next time.

Cheers.

Hello, my name is John Lutz,

and today we will be discussing

the Ghost Army.

In the autumn of ,
it was World w*r II.

There was a general...

a general by the name
of General Marshall.

And he came up with
this crazy new tactic

to help defeat the Nazis.

General Marshall came
to President Roosevelt.

"Okay, here's the thing...
it is a fake army.

"It's a fake w*r, and it will
distract the German army,

and then we'll do the
actual battles over here."

Then FDR said, "What?

Already on board."

(Glass thuds)

This glass hits my teeth too much.

- (Laughs)
- (Snorts)

So General Marshall

came to Lieutenant Colonel Harry Reeder.

He said, "You will be in charge

of a ghost army."

Reeder was like, "That
sounds like a good idea,

"but I'm a soldier. I
should be on the front lines

fighting for real."

And then he was like, "I
know you're a 'soldjler'..."

- (Chuckles)
- "And... soldier."

(Laughter)

"And...

"You get to cherry-pick everybody.

If you think they're right
for your team, take 'em."

And so that's what he did.

Harry Reeder brought together
artists, like sound artists,

design artists, actors.

One guy was like, "This is insane.

"I thought I was gonna be
a soldier, but I'm happy

that I'm not because
I would be dead soon."

So...

this is where the story gets good.

Once he assembled his
team, they go to Europe,

where the w*r was.

Harry Reeder's like,
"Here's what you're gonna...

"here's what you're gonna do.

"Let's get inflatable tanks.

You, get those tanks blown up, asap."

So he blew up tanks.

"Here's the other thing...
you're gonna use fake g*ns,

but we're gonna use fireworks."

They're like, "I love fireworks."

And then he's like, "You,
make this a headquarters.

Build it up, build it up.
Get those signs going."

And, if you will, imagine a montage.

- I will.
- They blow up tanks.

You move them easily...
two people, three people

can move them, and they make
fake g*ns, fake planes...

- Mm.
- And then they blast out

these radio transmissions
that sound like tanks.

(Mimics t*nk grinding)

- (Mumbles)
- (Chuckles)

And then they create fireworks

that look like explosions

- and sh**ting g*ns.
- It's [bleep] brilliant.

It's really smart.

It's near the end of the w*r, by the by,

and it is very a significant
victory they need.

Eisenhower orders up Operation Plunder.

Eisenhower came to Lieutenant
Colonel Merrick Truly,

who was a member of the Ghost Army,

and he said, "Our division
is gonna cross here

"at the Rhine River.

"Your Ghost Army is gonna
be miles south, okay?

"The big thing is you have to
make sure that the German army

thinks it's , people."

And Truly said, "Aye, aye. We'll do it."

So the Ghost Army soldiers

go miles down.

Truly gets everybody together
and says, "You, you, you...

what do you got?"

He says, "We're gonna be the only ones

broadcasting radio-ly."

(Speaks in lower voice): "Um..."

Sorry.

(Speaks in lower voice): "Um,
can all the Allied forces

"please meet at this
latitude and longitude

"at the location of
where we're going to cross

the Rhine River and defeat the Germans?"

What else? Overly sized pants.

That's just a Lutz idea.

Lutz, Lutz, Lutz. Actors,
what are you gonna do?

Well, we're gonna walk around
and look like real troops.

Real people.

Art design, go.

Art design said, "
inflatable tanks...

we'll throw in two real tanks
just to make it look good."

And then there's one guy who's
like, "If anybody comes by,

"I'm gonna create a dump that looks like

, soldiers worth of trash."

Audio department, go.

We'll have these speakers
blaring out sounds

that are like 'tr-tranks.'

"Tranks"?

- Tanks.
- Oh, like tanks.

Like tanks.

Then the night of the
actual crossing happens.

The Ghost Army gets in position,

Ten miles up, Churchill
actually shows up

and is with Eisenhower
to see this battle,

and Churchill's like, "hey,
I hope this idea works

that you had that we're crossing here."

And Eisenhower's like,
"Trust me... we have

our Ghost Army ten miles down
the road... or River Rhine.

(Laughs) Sorry.

Ghost Army! (Laughs)

miles from here, and that's where

all the Germans are. Can you believe it?

(Laughs) It's almost like they put on

a show, and the Germans fell for it.

The German army was sitting there,

and they were like...

(German accent): "We are ready
for them to cross the Rhine!"

Eisenhower says, "Now, look."
And Eisenhower puts up these

binoculars to Churchill's
eyes, and he looks out,

and he's like, "Holy moly." (Laughs)

"There's no Germans
who are attacking us."

(Laughs) I'm making him like a penguin

for some reason. It's just...

Operation Plunder was one of
the final nails in the coffin,

in h*tler's horrible regime.

This ragtag group of
artists saved the world

all through nonviolent means.

(Chuckles, gulps)

Cheers, Lutz, so good.

Good night.

(Chuckles)

Did you ever think
about joining the Army?

- I did.
- What made you say,

- "No, no, no"?
- My mom said, "No."

And I was like, "Okay." (Laughs)

That's how strong I am.

If my mom says "no," I say "no."

- Did you do anything like that?
- Mm-mm.

- You can drink.
- I can.

I can drink. Tell some stories.

That's our contribution.

That... yeah. You're welcome, America.

(Laughs) There we go.

- Cheers to you.
- There you go, cheers.

Hello, my name is Randall
Park, and you are about to hear

a story about Frank Emi. Uh... yeah.

(Bright music)

So Frank Emi was born in Los Angeles,

and he worked for his
parents' produce market.

And when Frank became of
age, the parents were like,

"Okay, it's time for you to
take over this fruit market."

And Frank was like, "Sweet,
because I got plans.

I'm gonna live the American Dream."

Then on December , ,
Frank Emi was listening

to the radio, and he
hears... (Mimics static)

"Hey, everybody, this is the radio,

"and I have news for you.

"It's breaking news... the
Japs have bombed Pearl Harbor.

"Don't be offended
this is what... how...

"this is how what we
call them right now.

"We call them 'Japs.' It's all good.

And they just bombed Pearl Harbor."

(Mimics static)

(Chuckling)

So... so he was like,
"Oh, sh*t. This is crazy,

"but probably won't affect
me. I'm an American citizen,

"and I've been here all my life.

It'll be fine."

And then a couple months
later from the bombing

of Pearl Harbor,
Franklin Delano Roosevelt

basically said, "The
Japanese are officially

"a national thr*at to
the national security.

And, yes, I used 'national'
twice in the same sentence..."

(Belches) Excuse me.

"Therefore, we must put them...
round them up and put them

in internment camps because
they're too dangerous."

And then... and then, uh... and then...

Sorry. I lost my train of thought.

I was onto something.

Oh, man, I'm, like, gone.

So, like, basically Frank
was like, "Is this for real?

This is mind-blowing."

And the next thing you know,

it's, like, a knock at the door.

(Knocking)

"It's the... it's the
United States of America."

"Uh, yeah, what do you want?"

"Well, it's time for
you to go to your...

to your internment camp."

They were a bunch of Jeff Foxworthys?

Yeah, yeah, and they were
like, "You know you're

"a redneck if you're walking
people into trains to get

sent off into internment camps
and you don't give a [bleep]."

(Laughter)

And then they got rounded
up into these trains,

and they head off to
Wyoming, and then they get to

this internment camp
called Heart Mountain.

What a name, right,
for an internment camp.

How much heart was there?

- No heart, no heart, no love.
- Just a mountain.

Just a mountain. They should've just

called it Mountain.

So here's this Japanese
phrase, "Shikata ga nai."

It basically means "It can't be helped."

- Shikata...
- Ga nai.

- Ga nai.
- Ga nai, yeah.

- Shikata ga nai.
- Yeah, that was right.

So Frank is like, "No, this
is... we got to do something

"about this. We're Americans.

This is completely
in... unconstitutional."

And that's when a soldier
comes up to him and is like,

"Fill out this loyalty oath."

And on it, it has a
bunch of just questions.

"Do you like hamburgers?"

- Do you like hamburgers?
- Dumb questions, right?

Well, do... I know, I'm asking
you, do you like hamburgers?

Are you questioning
my loyalty right now?

No, I'm just asking
if you like hamburgers.

- Cheeseburgers.
- Of course.

- Yes, okay.
- You're a [bleep] assh*le

- if you want a hamburger.
- Yes, if you had the choice.

- Yeah.
- Right.

And then he comes to this
question "Are you loyal

to the United States?"

And he's like, "Whoa, wait a minute.

"You just, like, stripped us
of our rights and privileges

"as citizens of this...
of the United States,

and now you're asking
us if we're loyal?"

So Frank stood up, and he's like,

"Under the present circumstances,

I cannot and will not
answer these questions."

- That's so cool.
- Boss move.

So he starts posting flyers
all around the camps.

"Hey, everybody, like,
don't check these boxes.

Come with me and defy this order."

And as he was hammering
this thing on a post,

this dude comes up to him
and is like, "Hey, man,

I'm coming with you."
Frank Emi was like,

"What's your name?" He was like,

"I'm Frank Inouye."

and they were like, "Oh, sh*t, Frank.

"We're both... that's kind of cool.

But this sucks."

So why don't we meet and figure
out what to do about this?

And then the government was
like, "We need more troops.

We're gonna start drafting
Japanese Americans

to fight in the w*r.

Take it from a drunk guy on,
you know, on a comedy show

on Comedy Central, this
is [bleep] ridiculous.

So at that point, Frank Emi was like,

"Oh, hell no. No, no."

This is when The Heart Mountain
Fair Play Committee was born.

And their mantra was
"No shikata ga nai."

And they would say this.
No shikata ga nai.

BOTH: No shikata ga nai.
No shikata ga nai.

No shikata ga nai.

They were now this unified group that...

and their main tactic
was to resist the draft.

During these mandatory
recruitment sessions,

the first thing they'd do is
send this pre-draft physical...

don't even touch it.

- Just return it empty.
- Yeah.

And then they, well, they
won't be able to do anything.

And then these U.S. Marshals
with g*ns, and they're like,

"You guys are under
arrest. Come with me."

So they came.

- "Comed"?
- They "comed" to the court.

They "comed" to the court.

They were of them in this trial,

and at this point,
these guys were, like,

masters of the Constitution.

So they were like,
"We're gonna be okay."

And then this judge comes up.

The first thing he refers to
them as is "You Jap boys."

Then they all realize,
like, "We're done."

And they ended up going to prison.

So when all was said and done,
almost men throughout

all the internment camps
resisted the draft in some way.

So eventually the w*r, like, ends.

So Frank Emi ended up spending months

of his four-year sentence in prison,

and then in , President Truman

officially apologized to Frank Emi.

Sorry we kind of screwed up.

And he basically said, "Thank you."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's help each other.

(Mumbles) We're all the same.

Come.

- I mean, not...
- We come the same color.

Let's come together.

(Laughs)

I came twice.

(Laughter)

(Glasses clink)

Okay, so, yeah, so, cheers to...

You know what? It's
okay if you don't like

- everyone you're related to.
- Yeah.

I don't like some of my family.

Do you like everybody in your family?

- Mm-mm.
- So cheers to that.

- Cheers to...
- You can pick your friends.

But you can't pick your family.

Mm.

♪♪

Hello, my name is...

Hello, my name is Lyric
Lewis, and tonight we're gonna

talk about Willy h*tler,
the nephew of Adolf h*tler.

Hmm.

(Belches)

Oh, excuse me.

So our story begins
in Liverpool, England.

William h*tler is living his young life,

and in , his father was like,

"Yo, come and meet your uncle."

So they go to the chancellery in Berlin,

and Willy is like, "What, what, what?

This is my uncle?" His uncle is the head

of the n*zi party, which, side note,

this is before World w*r II.

h*tler was like, "Yo, let's
take a picture together,

then I'm gonna autograph it."

So they took a picture,
and he had a big position,

and he looked up to him,
and he was just like,

"Wow, my uncle's dope as [bleep]."

And Willy's like, "You know what?

I want a high-ranking position
in my uncle's socialist party."

And so he moves to Germany.

It's very romantic in Germany
and actually a good time.

Everybody was German, eating schnitzel.

Willy was like, "Hey, everybody,

"my name is Willy h*tler,
Adolf h*tler's my uncle.

He's gonna hook me up."

So he bust in the chancellery,

he burst in, and his secretary's like,

"Oh, pump all of your brakes.

You know h*tler don't
[bleep] with you like that."

So he waits. He doesn't wait a day,

not a week, he doesn't
even wait three weeks.

He waits two mother[bleep] months.

So Willy h*tler was like "I'm mat."

Mat, what does that word mean?

Mat means, like, you're not even,

you're not mad.

You're not M-A-D. When you're "mat,"

you're beyond the point of
mad, and you're like mad

and insulted. You're disrespected.

- Got ya.
- (Chuckles)

But anyways, he goes into his office.

h*tler was just looking
at his g*dd*mn maps.

h*tler was like, "Mm, mm,

my maps of everywhere I want to go."

And Adolf h*tler in his hand
has a horsing whipping whip.

He's doing it at his toes.

(Mimics whip cracking)

Adolf was like, "I'm so
sorry that you have to work

for your g*dd*mn money."

(Mimics whip cracking)

"I didn't get this chancellor
job for the family, so, no."

(Mimics whip cracking)

♪♪

So Willy left that meeting,
and Willy was like,

"Hell to the no."

Willy was pissed.

Milly was piss...

- Mat, then pissed.
- (Laughs)

And he decided that he wanted
to do something about it,

- so buckle your seat belt.
- (Chuckles)

But, no, really, buckle your seat belt.

♪♪

(Percussive music)

- We're doing tequila.
- We're doing te-quill-as.

(Clink)

- Mm-hmm.
- (Grunts)

Anyways, so William goes
to the United States in

and decided to do, like, a lecture tour.

And he spilled all the beans.

He's saying, like,
"Yo, my uncle's, like,

super r*cist." He's
saying, "My uncles want

"to inv*de your countries and take over

and do horrible things when he invades."

But people were like, "Yeah, well, okay,

okay, we'll believe it
when we see it, Willy."

And then because of World w*r II,

he was like, "Yo, I want
to fight for the U.S."

So he goes to meet with
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

And he was very impassioned.

And he was like, "I know
that I'm, like, one person,"

but he was like, "I can fight
for the greater cause of many."

And he's like, "I know I'm,
like, one little baby h*tler,

"like, I'm, like, technically
a h*tler," but he's like,

"I don't [bleep] with
the Hitlers like that."

And FDR was like, "All
right, if he says he don't

"[bleep] with h*tler,
like, we can't chastise

the man for his name."

And so Willy, he gets
accepted to the Navy, and then

he goes into basic training.

He... he trains night and day.

By day, he's running through tires,

climbing over ropes, underneath mud,

and he's like "Yeah, I
can't wait to [bleep] see

my uncle's face and then
sh**t his mustache off."

- (Chuckles)
- (Mimics g*nf*re)

He said... hold up. (Belches)

Excuse me, he did not burp. (Belches)

(Grunts)

Ooh, it's wavy.

So Willy's on the ship. They're at w*r.

Big explosions all around.

He's a paramedic.

He's throwing aspirin in people's mouth.

They're catching it.

Holding their wounds,
giving them little sh*ts.

So he's in the Navy for three years.

So, all of a sudden,
people are sh**ting.

It's like... (Mimics g*nf*re)

And then he... wait... and then...

Now, all of a sudden,
there's a big expl*si*n,

and he's hit with a piece of shrapnel.

He was like, "I'm out of the Navy."

- So h*tler...
- (Chuckles)

- Baby h*tler, he...
- Baby h*tler?

Now we're going "baby"?

- Okay, so moving on.
- (Chuckles)

So they honorably discharged him,

and America was like, "You know what?

"You're not just a baby h*tler. You a G.

You like an OG," and they were like,

"We're gonna give you a Purple Heart

because you earned this sh*t."

What? Okay, and then...

and then, he was like,
"I'm gonna change my name

"to Patrick Stuart-Houston to get away

from the h*tler surname
once and for all."

Boom.

Boom, in your face, h*tler.

And his sons, rumor have it,
they vowed to never pass on

the h*tler name.

They deny it, but they've
never had kids, so...

I think at the end of the day,
Willy h*tler got the last laugh.

Ha ha ha.

(Patriotic music)

♪♪