05x09 - Heists

[bunniefuu]

So Peruggia thinks to himself,

this is our painting,

and I'm bringing it back to my people!

I'm beyond drunk, by the way.

So, the Santa bandits, they're like,

time to rob another bank,

and then, just... everybody
just starts sh**ting.

What's it mean when
you're swallowing too much?

So Adolf Eichmann is escaped,

and the Mossad literally kidnap him.

No! (Laughing) My water went

under the couch.

(Patriotic music)

♪♪

(Gripping string music)

♪♪

I remember this being
the funniest thing.

I think I'll have enough room.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

- (Humming rhythmically)
- Yeah!

Why was that so funny?

Oh, no. Can you see my belly?

(Chuckles)

That's your first "Drunk History" line.

Oh, remember?

- Callback.
- I love you.

I love you. Muah!

- (Chuckling)
- (Groans softly)

Hi, my name's Mark Gagliardi,

and today, we're gonna talk about

the theft of the "Mona Lisa."

It's a painting.

- Hm.
- It's .

Paris is the center of the universe,

but at this moment in time,

the "Mona Lisa" was not

actually a terribly famous painting.

It's just one of the paintings
that's hanging in the Louvre,

and the French are like,
yeah, it's a painting

in the Louvre. Like, it kind of looks

like my aunt, but, you know,

I don't think it's all that important.

And, uh, at this point,

Vincenzo Peruggia, an Italian immigrant,

got a job as a glassmaker in the Louvre.

And he's like, oh, look at this!

All of these beautiful paintings

in the Louvre!

But the French are like, oh, you're,

you know, a dirtbag from Italy

who's come in to steal our jobs,

so clean the floors, Macaroni.

And that's the world that
Peruggia was brought into.

And he would think to himself,

why are these French
calling me "Macaroni"

when this great piece
of Renaissance art came

from my homeland

and was stolen by Napoleon?

You know what? [Bleep] these assholes.

(Hellish choral music)

(Exaggerated Italian
accent) Leonardo da Vinci

worked out of Florence.

He painted this pla...

he painted this painting

of Lisa del Giocondo in Florence.

This is our painting.

And I'm bringing it back to my people!

I'm v...

I'm beyond drunk, by
the way. F-Y-Information.

(Chuckles)

So on August , ,

Vincenzo Peruggia went to the Louvre

and he hid in a closet until Monday,

the day that the Louvre
is closed for cleaning.

So he comes out, and he walks up

to the "Mona Lisa."

He puts it under his smock...

and... well, he steals it.

And he leaves the Louvre...

(Hopeful, brisk string music)

Walks home to his one-room apartment

and places the "Mona Lisa"
on his breakfast table.

So Tuesday, August nd,
the Louvre realizes

Mona Lisa la Giocondo has been stolen

from the Louvre. (Gasps dramatically)

And every newspaper in the world printed

any picture they could that was like,

"Here's What The Mona Lisa Looks Like!"

Little kids are selling newspapers

for a penny a pape, going,

oh, this is some "Ocean's Eleven" sh*t

right here.

So this picture of "Mona Lisa"

is being spread
throughout every continent

in the world, and everybody was going,

oh, my God, what a
beautiful work of art...

this woman is.

(Belches, blows raspberry)

Rude.

I feel like the magic has been taken out

of my soul and put onto display.

Well, that's what happens
when you do television.

So Louis Lépine, the
head of the French police,

brings in Peruggia for an interrogation.

And Lépine's like, what'd you do?

What'd you do at the Louvre?

And Peruggia's like, uh, why am I here?

What's all this all
about? And Lépine's like,

Uh, the "Mona Lisa"! It's been stolen!

Why aren't you listening?

And Peruggia's like... (Blows raspberry)

The "Mona Lisa" was
stolen? And Lépine's like,

this guy's an idiot, man.
There's no way he did it.

So, for the next two
years, every morning,

the gentle Peruggia would
look at this masterpiece,

and he would say...

(Sobs softly)

(Tearfully) I've looked
at a lot of paintings,

but until I looked at the "Mona Lisa"...

no painting ever looked at me.

(Sniffs) And that... that smile

on Mona Lisa's face is saying,

"I acknowledge you.

I know what you're going through..."

(Sniffs) "And it's okay."

(Sniffs)

- Everything's okay.
- Yeah,

I need another one of these.

So, after two years,

Peruggia reaches out to Alfredo Geri,

who is an Italian art
dealer, and he goes...

(Exaggerated Italian
accent) I have-a something

you might be interested in.

It's-a the "Mona Lisa."

I'm-a gonna give you the picture,

and I'm-a gonna get-a some money.

So, Alfredo Geri, why don't you call me

on the telephone...

Is it true if he found a mushroom,

he would become a little bigger?

(Video game power-up sound effect)

- (Both laugh)
- You don't like

my accent? Is that it?

(Laughs) Okay.

So, Alfredo Geri reaches out

to the Italian authorities,
and he's like...

(In accent) Aye, you a-lookin'

for-a the guy that
stole the "Mona Lisa"?

So, uh, here's the number.

So the Italian authorities are like,

oh, hey, you're Peruggia?
You're under arrest.

And he's taken before the Italian court.

And he says, this painting...

la Giocondo, the "Mona Lisa"...

was stolen from Italy by Napoleon,

and it was my task to take this painting

out of the Louvre and bring it back

to the Italian people who deserve it.

I have nothing to be ashamed of,

as an Italian!

And after his impassioned speech,

the Italian judge said, actually,

this painting wasn't stolen by Napoleon.

(Dark music)

Leonardo da Vinci came to France

and actually gave this painting

to the king of France as a gift,

so you really don't
have a leg to stand on.

♪♪

But, you know what?

We're super into your patriotism.

You're super good at being Italian,

so how about this?

We give you a sentence of seven months,

which is what you've
already been in prison,

and we release you today.

And Peruggia was like,

I really like you guys. Thanks, man.

(Victorious orchestration)

Vincenzo Peruggia was...

♪♪

an inconsequential
housepainter from Italy,

and by stealing the "Mona Lisa,"

he made that work of art

the most famous painting
in all the world.

Ah, [bleep] hell, dude.

- Hm?
- (Sniffs) What are we doing,

a [bleep] very special "Blossom," here?

(Both laugh)

♪ Stay tuned for more ♪

♪ "Drunk History" ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

Wait, wait, can I use this?

Guys, I have a fake d*ck company.

- (Snickering)
- I wanna promote my, uh...

I love my fake d*ck company.

It's called "Dicks for Kids."

(Laughs)

All right. Cancún.

(Laughing)

(Dramatic choral music)

(Liquid spurting)

(Laughs)

(Both laughing)

♪♪

Aw, that was unprofessional.

Tommy, I'm sorry.

(Burps softly)

(Exhales) Hello, I'm...

my name's Brendon Walsh,
and today we're going to

be talking about the Santa bandits.

Our story starts in ,

in the days leading up to Christmas.

Marshall Ratliff got out of jail

and he's like, I'm out of jail.

Time to rob another bank,

but I need help, so I'm gonna get...

uh, uh... this guy Ed Helms.

Oh... oh, from "The Hangover."

(Laughing) This guy... Henry Helms?

I'm gonna get Henry
Helms and Robert Hill,

and they rope in Helms' brother-in-law,

Louis Davis. And Ratliff says,

help us rob this bank in Cisco.

And, uh, Ratliff's afraid

he's gonna get recognized.

And he goes, I wanna disguise myself.

Hey, it's Christmas.

So they steal this Buick,

and they arrive in Cisco

on the morning of December rd.

Uh, Ratliff gets out of the car.

He's dressed as Santa,

and he gets mobbed by kids.

And you see Santa,

kids are gonna come towards you.

Kids wanna see you!

You're like Justin...

you're like the Justin Beaver

of... the times.

- Yeah.
- And he's a bank robber,

but he's like, yeah, okay, I gotta go.

Santa's gotta make a deposit, kids.

So after that, he goes into the bank.

And he doesn't even say anything.

And, uh, the tellers are like,

Santa's here!

And then Hill, Helms, Davis

all bust in with their g*ns a-blazing.

They go, hey, uh, all right,

everybody shut up! We're
robbing this place.

Santa Ratliff gets $ , in cash

and $ , in bonds.

And Santa's like, yeah! But this lady,

Mrs. Blasingame,

goes into the bank and
[bleep] loses her sh*t.

She's like... (screams maniacally)

So she, uh, runs out
screaming her head off...

(Screaming maniacally)
Here's the thing...

I love that Duncan
Trussell is this woman.

(As Duncan Trussell) Hey!
Terence McKenna predicted

this bank was gonna be robbed, man!

(Both laughing)

So then the whole town,

they hear her running up and down the...

(Screams) And then, at this time,

the Texas Bank Association was like,

well, we're offering $ ,

for anybody who sh**t a bank robber

during a bank robbery.

And the whole town is
like, we could use $ , !

That's a lot of money back now.

So everybody, grab their g*ns!

'Cause an angry mom's
about to... (chuckles)

"Angry mom's about to form."

(Chuckles)

So, um, they go to the bank

while all the... the robbery's going on.

And then it just... everybody
just starts sh**ting.

(Imitates g*nf*re)

Customers are getting sh*t.

A guy gets sh*t in the leg.

So the Santa bandits,

they're like, why is
everybody sh**ting us?

Get into the alley! 'Cause that's

where the Buick is.

But everybody keeps sh**ting.

A bandit gets sh*t,

a... uh, uh...

the bank president gets sh*t!

Everybody's going nuts. All right.

So, the-the the Santa bandits,

they grab these two young girls

as human shields to get into their Buick

and get the [bleep] out of there.

So Santa's driving the car,

and he looks at the
gas gauge, and he goes,

What the... we're [bleep]
almost out of gas!

What a bunch of idiots.

And they're like, we drove miles

from Wichita Falls and we
didn't get gas in ?

(Laughing) So, they see this Oldsmobile,

and they're like, give
us your Oldsmobile.

And he leaves. Helms gets sh*t.

And they're like, come
on, put all the money

in here and get Davis in there.

And they get in the Oldsmobile,

and then they realize,
uh, [bleep]... the keys!

So they're like, well... well, we can't

[bleep] do anything with this.

So then they, like, get
back into the Buick,

and they leave Davis there.

Poor sap. He's [bleep].

And they're like, well, that sucks.

And then they're like, oh, sh*t!

We left the money in that car too...

in the Oldsmobile. And they're like...

(Burps) Uh...

what's it mean when
you're swallowing too much?

Good question. (Laughs)

So they're trying to
cross the Brazos River,

but they get ambushed,

and they sh**t Ratcliff six times.

So Helms and Hill just
give themselves up,

and Ratliff... (burping) survives.

So the townsfolk are out there,

and they're like, we've
had it with this guy!

And they put a noose around his neck.

They're like, we're
gonna publicly lynch you,

'cause we've had it with your sh*t.

And he's just like, hey, I got an idea.

Eh... forgive me!

And then they're like,
uh, no, no, no, no.

And then they [bleep] hang him.

Then... well, yeah, then he's croaked.

(Stirring orchestral music)

These guys [bleep] up.

♪♪

Because back then,

it was, uh, so easy

to get away with crimes.

- They were stupid.
- (Laughs)

(Chuckles) Is this a wig, or...

There's a wig and a beard.

(Sighs)

(Chuckles)

That's good.

Stay tuned for more "Drunk History."

Ho-ho-ho!

(Water splashing)

- My God, it's so cold.
- I love you.

Oh, you got it.

How's my hair look?

You look great.

What, like, Jewish
desserts have you had...

in your life?

Is latkes, uh, Jewish?

It's not dessert, but it is Jewish.

- Mm-hmm.
- My husband's always,

like, hiding treats from me.

Is this a [bleep] piece of pie?

That's what it looks like.

(Soft, pleasant music)

Oh, my God, this is so good.

It's good? This is my first attempt.

What's this called again? One more time.

- Pie?
- Oh, cool.

I'm not Jewish.

(Both laughing)

Hello. (Snorts softly) I'm Rachel Bloom,

and today we're gonna
talk about the capture...

of Adolf Eichmann.

So Israel's established in ,

and Israel's like, okay,
we need our own CIA.

And so they form the Mossad,
and David Ben-Gurion,

who's the prime minister, is like,

I'm going to appoint you,

Isser Harel, to be head of Mossad.

And Isser Harel is like, awesome.

We're gonna hunt down
n*zi w*r criminals,

'cause there are a lot of Nazis

still, like, chilling.

And the guy at the top of their list

is Adolf Eichmann,

who literally planned the Holocaust.

So Isser Harel is like,

let's nail this [bleep] mother[bleep]

to the wall like a [bleep] moose

who's been hunted.

Meanwhile, Adolf Eichmann
is living in Argentina,

making, like, a new
alias. And he's like...

(In German accent) Hmm, what's

an Argentinean-sounding name?

Oh, I know, Ricardo Clement.

Good job, Adolf... I mean, Ricardo.

Wink. However, his kids,

who were there with him, they're like,

well, I'm really attached to Eichmann.

It's, like, in all my yearbooks.

Like, I'm just gonna... I'm
gonna... I'm gonna keep it.

So, the Eichmann kids
are [bleep] stupid.

(Chuckling)

(Laughing)

Okay, so...

in the s, Eichmann's
son, Klaus, starts dating

this very nice girl, Sylvia.

And when she's like,
Daddy, I'm dating, like,

the best guy. His name
is Klaus Eichmann.

And he's like, that's weird.

My dog loves licking her [bleep].

- (Laughs)
- My dog licks her vag*na

- more than any dog.
- That's cool.

Anyway, so Sylvia's
father, Lothar Hermann,

is like, huh, Eichmann, Eichmann...

(In German accent) Where
have I heard that name?

(Dramatic percussive music)

And so, Lothar tips off the Mossad.

And he's like, my daughter's dating

a guy named Klaus
Eichmann. Like, this might

be Adolf Eichmann... and this might be

the son of Adolf Eichmann.

And the Mossad is like,

we need to check this guy out.

And so, they send
operatives to Argentina,

all of whom are Holocaust survivors.

And they're like, you need
to take pictures of Eichmann

to make sure this is Eichmann,
so that we're not just, like,

capturing some poor Argentinean dude.

Smart.

Okay, so...

- (Chuckles)
- No!

What are you looking for?

My water went under the couch.

I got you.

- You got it?
- Thanks, friend.

Mm-hmm.

So, they send a guy,

who just kind of walks up to him

while he's gardening, and they're like,

tell us how you garden. And he's like,

well... and he, like, starts

to explain gardening to them.

And the whole time, they have

a suitcase that has,
like, a spy camera in it,

so they're like...
(Imitates camera clicking)

And he's like, what's that sound?

They're like, nothing.

So they send the pictures

back to Israel, and the Mossad is like,

dudes, this is Eichmann.
Let's get him there.

But Harel's like, whoa.

- Argentina is really bad...
- Mm-hmm.

About extraditing Nazis.

They, like, don't give
a sh*t for some reason.

I don't know why. I don't know why!

But they're just bad about it.

And he tells Zvi Aharoni,

if we're gonna capture Adolf Eichmann,

we're gonna have to...
we're gonna have to,

like, full-on kidnap him.

Like-like a kid on a milk carton.

We're gonna have to
milk-carton Adolf Eichmann.

- Mm.
- So...

the four operatives, um...

they go to Argentina...
it's weird to tell a story

about Nazis and be so cozy.

- (Chuckles)
- Anyway,

they park a deserted car

to lure Eichmann.

And they're like, okay guys,

so... to distract ourselves

we need to come up with a group name.

How about... "The Kidnapping Friends"?

And one of them's like,
no, I don't... I...

okay, if we're gonna come up with names,

now's not the time to do
it... but if we're going to,

I think it should be called
"The Abduction Posse."

And another one's like,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, how about, I don't know,

"The Snatch Squad?"

And they're like, Snatch Squad!

And just then, that's when
Eichmann walks down the road.

And they're like, uh,
our car is broken down.

(Suspenseful music)

Psych! It's not!

And they tackle Eichmann.

They just, like, full-on,

like, bum-rush Eichmann.

And they get him in the car,

and my dog continues
to lick her own [bleep].

I'll be dogged.

Anyway... I wanna do

the rest of the story lying down.

You do it. You do what you...

- you do it the way you want.
- So, they bring him

to a safe house, and then they try

to question him to make
sure it's Adolf Eichmann

living in Germany... Ar-Argentina.

And Eichmann's like, hola. (Laughs)

Me llamo Ricardo Clement.

(Laughing) Like, he's
pretending to be Argentinean.

They're just like, clearly not.

You are a pasty white German dude.

And finally, he drops all the sh*t,

and he's like, all right,
I'm Adolf Eichmann.

Can I get a glass of wine?

And they're like, okay,
there is a plane leaving

from Buenos Aires to Israel.

How do we sneak Eichmann
onto this plane?

So May , , they
sedate Adolf Eichmann,

they dress him up as an
El Al flight attendant...

which is the Israeli airline...

and they literally, like,
drag him to the airport.

Like, full-on "Weekend At Bernie's" -ing

the orchestrator of,
like, the worst thing

that's ever happened in their lives,

and just being like, hey, I'm tired.

Hello, I'm an El Al flight attendant.

And they're literally carrying him

like, onto the plane.

I mean, like, the
story's [bleep] insane.

So they get him to Israel,

and they put Eichmann on trial.

And he's convicted, and... he's hung

- outside of Tel Aviv.
- Wow.

And the guys who captured him

are like, look, f...

far be it for we to celebrate death,

but also, um, [bleep] yeah.

- [Bleep] the Nazis.
- [Bleep] the Nazis, man.

I'm alive. I'm . Ashkenazi.

(Laughs)

(Patriotic music)