01x15 - Date Me

[bunniefuu]

Ho-ho-hoh, my God!

Baby, you have got to check out
this text my mom sent me.

It's longer than Moby d*ck.
That's a long book, right?

If you ask me, any book is long.

I can barely make it through
a What's In My Bag? article.

She needs me to fix her drawer.
"I can't access my citrus zester.

"It's not citrus season,
but I just want to be prepared."

Wait, didn't you just
go over there yesterday?

Yeah, she needed me
to haul up her socks.

Babe, do you think she's just making
up excuses for you to go over there

because she's... lonely?

Yeah, totally.

But if going over and changing the
light bulb over her ping-pong table

makes her feel better, I'm happy to.

Well, yeah, of course, because
you are sweetest man alive.

But, I just wish, for her sake,
she would get out more.

Maybe volunteer. Really!

Go on a gosh-darn date,
for Pete's sake!

Hey, language!

I mean, has she even been
on a date since I've known her?

No. She gave up on that
after my dad left.

And then d*ed.

Wow, that was ten years ago!
She needs to get back out there.

You know what, honey, I really
don't think she's that interested.

I wouldn't worry about it.
I'll go fix it tomorrow.

But not today, because today is
my all-day bachelor party, y'all!

Yo' bachelor-Obama.

I mean "orama"!

Gil's going to throw me a bitchin'
bachelor party. And he owes me,

because I threw him an amazing
bachelor weekend.

So, now it's Jakey's turn, yeah?

Third person to rip up
some drinks and get a face full of...

..art.
Because we are going to a museum.

While you're burying your face
in some big ol' fake

Impressionist masters,

I'll stop over at your mom's on our
way to brunch and fix her drawer.

Earn some points
from my future mother-in-law.

Really?
How much do you know about cabinetry?

In school, I made out
with a guy who took Woodshop.

I made out with a girl
who smoked behind the Rite Aid,

so, by your logic,
I'm good with fingerless gloves and
using my older sister's vibrator.

I bet you are.

Dunno why I said that.
Well, have fun today.

And, hey, bring me a pamphlet
from the museum. Rrright...

Babe, I don't care. Just, please,
don't tell me anything about it,

and, please don't get
booby bruises on your face.

And this is why I love you!

Annie, it's OK, really.

I got it.

Antonia... I got this.

Oh. OK. Annie...

it's REALLY OK.

We should just call a guy.
What? No.

Be a feminist. We can do this.
He for she, lean in, I've got...

Fine! I will call a guy...

Mr Google.

Ron Google? No. Oh.

I was, like, "What a small world!"
But I guess no-one else knows Ron.

Such a nice dude.

OK, let's see, I was yanking
hardwood, top off, needed screw.

Oh, no, no, no...

Yeah, you should really close
that window.

Oh, my God.

Uh, Myrna...

A chat window has just popped up
from a guy named Charles.

"Hello, Myrna beautiful.

"Is this the afternoon we finally
meet? Maybe grab a cup of coffee?"

Are you doing online dating?

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no.

I don't... That's just... a wrong
number.

Myrna, he's cute.

Smile for days. Meow!

So who's Charles? Dish, girl, dish!

No, you know, it was something
I was thinking about,

but I'm not thinking about it
any more. Let's just drop it.

Don't you have a brunch to eat?
OK, fine.

We won't force you to do anything.
We'll just fix your drawer.

I think I get the problem, anyway.

Do you have any of those
wiggly twisties?

You mean screws?

Yeah. I'll get you some screws.

I want to get Myrna some screws.

From Charles.

Yeah! He's gonna stick
his little twistie...

No, that's not great.

Are you ready to PARTY?
Am I ready?

Do I have my Been There,
Wrecked That T-shirt on?

Oh, I finally get to pay you back

for throwing me
the best bachelor party ever.

Yeah, Vegas was pretty fun.

"Pretty fun"?
It was like we were in The Hangover.

Especially that night we were extras
in the club scene in The Hangover.

Yeah, not a lot of people get called

a poor man's Zach Galifianakis
by Zach Galifianakis.

That guy made things OK
for guys like me.

Oh, hey!

Guess what I did last night!

What did you do last night?

Tell you what I did.

I just spent all last night
baking you this sexy

vag*na cake!

Wow, that is anatomically correct.

All right. First up,
your favourite bar - TBG's.

What-what?!

Then, we're gonna head on over
to a high-class burlesque show.

Where we can enjoy breasts
in an ironic, hipster fashion,

somehow seen as female empowerment.

So, where are the guys?

Yeah, that's good question.
I'll give them a call.

Cameron, Steve. Where you at?

You're missing
Jake's bachelor party.

Oh, perfect. Outstanding.

All righty, then.

Sounds good.

OK, bud.

Are they on their way? Uh, no.

Apparently, on the e-vite,
instead of putting the th, I...

did not send an e-vite.

Huh.

Well, mistakes happen. Right?

I mean, we'll just reschedule.

Oh, hell's to d'no!
We're doing this.

Really, but...?

Hey, no buts, no cuts,

no coconuts.

H'oh.

OK. Myrna just needs a little push.

Like at camp and you pushed me off
that diving board? You wanted that.

And because of you, that cute
lifeguard gave me mouth-to-mouth.

You should probably still learn
how to swim one day. No, thanks.

Plus, most of my bikinis
are not supposed to get wet.

"Are you there, gorgeous?"

"Yes, I am."

Oh, you bad girl. "I am. Myrna.

"Would you like to come over for
a cup of coffee this afternoon?"

Oh. So that is
how you spell "Hachacha...!"

We're doing
a really good thing here.

Oh, the goodest!

I hope TBG's still has that beer pong
room with the sawdust on the ground.

I always wondered,
is that a rustic thing

or just because of all the vomit?

All I know is, I'm going
to buy you as many flaming sh*ts

as you can stomach - and then
I'm going to buy you four more!

Now let's get this party STARTED!

Flaming sh*ts!

Oh. Maybe the flaming sh*ts
were a bad idea,

what with the sawdust, an' all.

This place was a ticking time b*mb.

Why is Chicago so flammable?!

Is it the wind or...

Hope nobody d*ed in here.
Oh, God, I hope not.

I'm sure we would've heard about it
on the news. Not necessarily.

People die all the time.

Not enough room in the news for...

It'd get boring reading about
every person that d*ed in a fire.

That's probably true.

Some flowers over there
and little tributes things.

Oh, somebody d*ed here. Yeah.

Well, all right. Urghh!
Shake it off!

Continuing on
to the ironic burlesque show.

Onward and upward!

Looking forward to a little
high-class, tongue-in-cheek stripping

by women with masters degrees.

Yeah, it's impossible to get in
unless you know somebody.

Luckily, Cameron went to Hebrew school
with the bouncer. Dammit, no Cameron!

You know, Gil.
Why don't we just call it? No...!

I owe you
the best bachelor party ever!

I have one more trick up my sleeve.

Have you ever heard
of the Jersey Boys?

Have I ever heard
of the Jersey Boys?!

No. Me, neither.

But they are right over there.

So, let's get this party started!

And I'll get us
two tickets to Jersey Boys.

We got one ticket to Jersey Boys.

So, one ticket for the two of us?

It's all they had. But, to be
honest, I read the review...

It's not my cup of tea.

Kevin Connolly is Frankie Valli.

OK. I'll bite. Great.

Bachelor party saved.

And while you're rocking out
to the high-pitched hits,

I'll be out here
rounding up some more bros

and we can get this party started!

Kay, this party
is not getting started.

I need you to help me
round up some bros.

I am desperate here, girl.

Bros, girl! Bros!

All right, if you could please
just finish the drawer and leave,

so that I can have an afternoon in
with my afternoon Zen.

Myrna, we've got some good news
and some bad news.

Bad news is - I just broke
one of your other drawers.

Long story short -
your other drawer is broken.

The good news is...

Charles is coming over. Aeehh!

What?! You're welcome.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no...!
No, no, I... No. I don't want this.

But you do want this. You're up
on that diving board and I'm just
giving you a gentle push

and you are going to plunge,
headfirst into love.

Love...
No diving, no. I'm not diving.

No diving. No, no, no.

You have to cancel the date.
How do you... How do I cancel it?

How? Oh, my God!

Did that cancel the date?
Definitely not. No.

# They don't a-cry-yih-yih... #

Kevin Connolly IS Frankie Valli!

I mean, this Jersey don't stink!

Hey, bachelor!
I brought some bros for you.

Ah! Your father-in-law

and one of your fiance's
best friends.

Happy bachelor party!

I told him not to do that.

Are you ready to see
some juicy gooshy-gooshy

and a side of tig ol' bitties
grinding all up against you...?!

Oh, you know I am a sucker
for some... sweet gushy-gushy,

with a side of tig ol' bitties...

..but not any more, because
I'm with your daughter now

and now all we do is pray.

Don't worry they're on-board.

Oop, something's vibrating
in my pants!

Ah, buzz-k*ll, it's my mom.
Hold on one second.

Jake. Hey.

Annie is trying to get me
to have sex with a stranger

from the internet.
OK, well, before I make any judgment

I'd like to hear
Annie's side of the story.

Hey, hon.
'Erm, what's going on?'

I'm trying to get your mom to have sex
with a stranger from the internet. What?!

Listen, good news, your mom
actually does want a date.

What are you talking about? She
signed up the senior dating site

and she's been chatting
with this guy for over a month

and I googled him and he
seems great. He's a doctor.

Of medicine, not jazz.
I double checked.

I'm sure he's fine,
I just don't know if she's ready.

What?!

But we talked about how she's lonely
and it's, kind, of a bummer

and this is
the perfect solution. Is it?

I mean, the other solution
could be she just stays lonely -

sort of, a noble
lighthouse-keeper vibe.

Do you have a problem
with your mom dating?

It's not like you're ,
with parents who are divorced,

who's forced to go fishing with
your taekwondo instructor/stepdad

while you pee your pants.
Well, put like that, no.

Great. Now you just enjoy your
super-awesome bachelor times.

OK, but... Oh. And, now she's gone.

Good news.
Your sexual surprise is on its way.

I bet you can't guess what it is.
I'll give you a little hint.

It did NOT have a great relationship
with its father growing up.

OK, you know,
I feel like the bachelor party

has come to a natural stopping point
and that's cool. OK?

If we could just re-schedge,

and go back to
our respective mom's houses. Really?

I've brought, like, party horns.

And if that's not a bachelor party,
I don't know what is.

Well, that's not a bachelor party.
I told you, I don't know what it is.

Crystal! H'oh!

What up, Kay? Hey, girl.

Who is my bachelor? I told
my manager at Lady Footlocker

that I was just going
to the bathroom,

so we gotta make this quick.
Right behind you.

Hi. Let's do this.

Oh, here. We're going to do it
right in the middle of the street

in front of the theatre.

Yeah. Yeah!

Hey, is that a wound? C-section scar.

This is my first gig
since Braydon was born.

Oh, congratulations!
I know a Braydon. Thank you.

Do you like that?!
Well... Do you like it?!

Bit of a mixed bag, I guess.

It's just a wine spill.

Yeah, most repairs I get
called out to are fluid-related.

Don't want to put too much
thought into that.

Myrna, we are T-minus- minutes,

before Mr Handsome
appears at your door.

Love connections happening, y'all!

Look, I don't know if I can do this.

I mean,
Charles seems great, honestly,

but I haven't dated
in a co*n's age.

I mean, last time I went on a date,
people still said "co*n's age".

Yeah, they don't any more.

Myrna, you're going to be fine.

I'm not worried about me.
I'm worried about Jake.

What do you mean? Well, Jake
took our divorce really hard.

He always hoped that Don
and I would get back together.

But Don's dead.

May God bless him. And just...

Keep him.

Jake will be fine.
I know he wants you to be happy.

I don't even know how to date any
more. What do I do with my hair?

Where am I going to get
a bouffant at this hour?

Well, maybe you don't.
Is the answer.

What about undergarments?

I usually just don't wear any. OK.

I think what this event
calls for is a classic...

girls-on-girl make over!

All right, but I don't want
to wear jeans, like a whore.

I'm wearing jeans.

Oh.

If you want this dance,
we better get to yours quick.

Lady Footlocker waits for no lady!

What the hell is this?

Oh, it's the AIDS Trot.

Oh, we'll never get through this!

Traffic will be snarled
for hours! OK.

Just cos we're stuck, doesn't mean
we can't get this party started.

Mm-hmm. Oh, there they are!
Yeah! There they are...

# Big girls don't cry... #

Ow! Come on, guys.
# Silly boy

# Told my girl
we had to break-up

# Silly boy... #

OK, all right. That's it. Sorry, I'm
sorry. I can't do this any more.

What? Did I do something wrong?
No, no, no, no, no. You were great.

You did what you do is so... well.
I just can't stop thinking about my mom.

I hear that. I can't stop thinking about
my baby. OK, that's it. I'm calling it.

Clearly, this is the worst party
in the history of bachelor parties.

Dammit! All I wanted was for you
to have a super-sick time.

Well, I am nauseated! You know
what, Gil, think about it.

Your marriage was terrible.
Thanks for reminding me.

No, no, no! So, by the inverse
property of bachelor parties,

a great bachelor party
equals a terrible marriage.

Wherein, a terrible bachelor
party equals a great marriage.

I'll take it. Maybe we should all go
home just to make it even worse.

And how am I going
to get around this AIDS Trot?

Bad news.

There is no way around the AIDS Trot,
but I think it winds up in your mom's hood.

Just follow the sea of humanity.
Oh, my God. Kay, you're right.

Hey! Thanks, Gil,
for the worst bachelor party ever.

And I mean that in a good way.

He is so sweet.
Look how he cares about his mom.

Goodbye, friends.

- And Crystal.
- Bye! Bye-bye.

Myrna, I wish I could do that catcall
whistle thing, but I can't whistle.

Me, neither. Sometimes I get one of those
whistling boogers, but that's the closest.

Doesn't matter, you look
beautiful, Myrna! Thank you.

Well, I'm ready to rejoin the game,

which is something I heard
this morning on Queen Latifah.

Oh, my God. Here comes romance.

Myrna?

Myrna? I'm not coming out.

Denna, get the door.

OK. Myrna... Myrna?

Hi! You must be Charles. Wow! you should
really change your profile picture!

No, I'm Denna. Myrna is just...

She's almost ready! Mm-hm.
Come on in.

A little joke.
I wasn't actually... you know...

Have a seat in the living room.
She'll be out in a sec.

I'm never coming out.

Oh, God.

The flowers are beautiful. Flowers,
love them. Really great. So nice. So pink.

Myrna, Charles seems like a really
great guy. He drives an Audi,

which shows he's classy and likes
a quality vehicle, but it isn't
ostentatious. What colour Audi?

Navy blue, I think. As long as it's not white.
White is a classless colour for a car.

I can't do this. I don't want to hurt Jake and
it's too soon for me to start dating again.

It's been years.

Then we moved to Maryland and had
our eldest Matthew and that's

where I finished my surgical
residency at Johns Hopkins.

I think you mean John Hopkins. Oh, no, no.
It's Johns. Oh, like Ruth's Chris? Um... yeah.

Myrna'll be out in a second. You know
women! Hairspray, under-eye concealer,

dark spot bleaching cream, tweezing
that one black hair right on your
chin. Where does it come from?

For weeks there's nothing and then - BAM!
There's an inch long hair on right your chin.

And I am revealing too much about
myself. Cold feet? Do you want a blanket?

Er... no, no. I could overhear
your whole conversation.

I know that Myrna
has cold feet. Rats. OK.

No, no. It's OK, I understand.

I lost my wife a few years ago
and this is my first date.

I'm actually as nervous
as a pheasant upon the moors.

I'm, literally, that nervous I'm now
inventing British-sounding phrases.

No idea what to wear.

I mean, are Sansabelt slacks
even in style any more? No.

I think Myrna
is just going to adore you.

Well, I'm all finished, guys.

I saw a few wonky drawers. I can fix
those, too. I'll come back tomorrow,
I just need a few more screws.

A few more screws?!

What?
She's my mom, you cyber pervert.

Woah-woah-woah-woah Tae kwon do.

Jake! Jake!

No, Jake. Jake...

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, you should be.

You're going to be fine. It was only
a few seconds of oxygen deprivation.

About the same as drinking a yard
of Margarita. Oh-ho! Been there!

Got the Girls Gone Wild booty sh*ts
to prove it. I'm so sorry, Barry.

I just... I thought
you were defiling my mother

when actually,
the defiler's RIGHT HERE.

Oh, my God! Jake!

I am so sorry. This is not me.
I'm sorry. It's not a big deal.

I'm just glad to see my
Krav Maga training paid off.

The martial art of a VERY
oppressed people. Good work, Jews.

Look, I would be protective of my
mom, too. Myrna's a great lady.

I'll be back next week, with screws,
for your mom's drawers.

Well, that could also be
misinterpreted. I'm going to go.

Yeah, I should probably leave, too.
I think I've caused enough problems.

Deuces, Chuck.
No, Charles, please. Don't go.

Jake, can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please? Why?

Ow. Excuse us. One second.
He wants to leave.

Please, have a seat.

Jake, what are you doing? What you do
you mean, what am I... She's my mom.

And she's lonely and there's a really nice guy
who wants to take her for a cup of coffee,

but she's locked in her bedroom. If
she's not ready, she's not ready.

She is ready. She's just scared
and she didn't date for a long time

because she was trying to protect
you. She was protecting me?! Yeah.

Despite the fact
that you are a full-grown man.

Look, your mom deserves to be happy
and I think the only person that can

give her that push to try is you.

Well, Charles does seem
pretty nice, you know.

Gentle, but firm.

Pants that are not belted but somehow
stay up. You know, how? Who can say?

Fine. OK, you're right, you're right.
I'll go talk to her. Thank you.

Mom, it's Jake.
Oh, honey, how are you?

I'm just in here
cleaning the duvet.

Well, I think you should come out
here and meet Charles. He seems
pretty great. Charles? Who's Charles?

I would never have a man here.
It must've been Annie, she's always
inviting internet men over.

Look, I think it would be great if
you started to date. I genuinely do.

You do?

It wouldn't upset you?
No. No, of course not.

I was just worried about you.
I remember how hard the divorce was.

Look, I just want you to be happy.

How does Charles seem?
How does he seem? Yeah.

Nice build, looks like he was handsome
back in the day and also today.

What are his hands like?
What are his hands...

I don't know. They're shaking, but
large. That's a good combination. No.

Oh. Does he seem
physically... capable? You know?

Strong hips? Yes. Because, you know,
the stereotype of the housewife

who doesn't want sex.
That wasn't me.

OK, just come out and let's not
ever talk about this again.

Some voids could never be filled,
but mine could. Mom, get your ass out here.

You look very nice. Thank you.

Charles... I'd like you to meet
my mom. Mom, this is Charles.

Wow! Er... Hello, Myrna. Gosh...

Nice to finally meet you and you are
even prettier in person. Thank you.

Would you like a glass of wine?

Do you by any chance
have a nice Zin? I do.

I do. Follow me.

Go, go, go. Wow, beautiful cabinets.

You have more storage in here than
somewhere with an awful lot of storage.

Aah... romance! Ooh, how do
you like that frontloading washer?

It has great load capacity.
Yesterday, I washed three pillows.

They are having
pillow talk... literally.

Thank you. That's the happiest
I've ever heard her.

You're welcome. Hey, how was
the bachelor party? Oh, terrible.

Yeah, I'm sober
and I didn't see anybody naked.

But Kevin Connelly is a revelation.

Yes! That is what
every fiancee wants to hear.

All right, are you ready? Well, you
think you're ready but you're not.

OH! Ma'am,
please put your pants back on.

I am a lesbian and even
I don't want a piece of that.

Apparently,
it's based on his ex-wife.

Except the cake didn't leave in
the middle of the night. No! No.

Look, I'm hungry and I want cake,

but I feel like it would be
a sex crime to eat this thing.

OK, maybe I can cut it
when no-one is looking.

Euw.

So, maybe if I just sliced...
Euw! You're going to start there?

It's even anatomically correct
on the inside.

Are those liquorice
fallopian tubes? Gross!

What is oozing out of that thing?
A sweet ricotta. That's disgusting.

I cannot eat that. OK, fine.

I made popsicles, too.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Nope. No.