01x03 - When in Rome

[bunniefuu]

I mean, she's straight-up stalking me.

She lives in the bushes
outside my apartment in Queens.

She's like horny Harriet the Spy.

And my mom lives there.
She's freaking her out.

- I mean, I get it. I'm hot.
- CHE: Yeah, you are.

I can barely keep my pants on.
I wanna jump over this table,

and ride you like a
motherfuckin' Citi Bike.

And by that, I mean, after I come,

- I wanna dump you on th street.
- I'm telling you, dude.

- She will not stop calling me.
- CARRIE: Well,

maybe she wants her credit card back.

- [JACKIE LAUGHING]
- Boom! C Bradshaw with a slam!

Nah, she's not old enough
to qualify for credit yet.

RECORDING: Trigger warning!

CHE: Talking about sex with
a minor is never acceptable,

especially if the joke's
as lame as that one!

Uh, Che, listen, I wanna, I wanna
circle back to something you

said earlier that
I'm personally triggered by.

Sure, what?

- Citi Bike.
- Me too, Carrie.

- Oh, Miss Sis is on fire today.
- [LAUGHING]

I love it when you bring your
p*ssy in, are you kidding?

- Hey, nice job today.
- Oh, thanks. Yeah.

I got a few zingers in.

Oof, if you weren't in mourning,

I'd do minutes on
you saying "zingers."

Oh, well, phew.

Thank God my husband d*ed.

How're you holdin' up?

You know, it's been, uh,

it's been a rough few weeks.

- Yeah...
- But just keep reminding myself

that at least we were
happy... at the end.

Never been happier.

God, doesn't that make it sadder?

Oddly, no. No, it, um...

it helps.

It's happy sad.

Wow, that's an amazing
way of looking at it.

Anyway, that's what
I'm clinging to, so...

I'll see you at your
Netflix taping Friday.

Oh no, dude, you don't have
to come to that. It's...

You came to my funeral,

I'm coming to your comedy show.

Besides, I could use a few zingers.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

I listened to the podcast yesterday.

- Really? I'm shocked.
- I never said never.

It's a nice blend of polemics and farts.

Oh, thanks. Remind me to never
ask you to blurb my books.

And Che is funny.

Oh, good. I'm glad you think
so because you're coming

with me to their comedy
concert Friday night.

- I am?!
- CARRIE: Mm-hm.

Oh, great!

You seem a little better today.

Well, I feel like I'm in
the, I'm in the home stretch.

The whole death trifecta.

- What's that trifecta?
- Oh, uh, it's the awful night,

funeral, and now,
the reading of the will.

And then, we get to have lunch.

- I'm thinking I might even eat today.
- Good!

That's progress.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

ESTATE LAWYER: He will
continue his annual legacy gifts

to Memorial Sloan Kettering,

New York Public Theater,

and Preservation Hall in New Orleans.

- He loved his jazz.
- [INTERCOM BEEPS]

ASSISTANT [ON INTERCOM]:
Norman, it's your wife again.

I said hold all calls. Thank you.

- Where were we?
- Not taking your wife's calls.

Sorry... we had a fight.

[PHONE RINGING]

And now, she's on my Apple Watch.
I better take this.

I'm in the maison du chien.

That's "dog house" in pompous ass.

Do you wanna keep talking or
do you wanna hear my side of it?

- God, Gloria...
- Yes, oh, I know, I know.

You've got a lunch,
honey, I know. Okay, so...

- Oh, hello there!
- Stanford! Hi!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I came for lunch.

Carrie invited me.

- Oh...
- Why? Is that a problem?

No, no, of course not.

It's just I reserved a table for three.

Oh, I don't think that'll be an issue.

Three-top is always a four-top.

- Mm, no, no, it isn't.
- Trust me.

I know from when I
used to work at Odeon.

A three-top is always a four-top.

There is no way you ever waited tables.

Oh, I was a host back in
the go-go cocaine ' s.

How else do you think I
know Bret Easton Ellis?

Okay, whatever.

It's just it was very
hard to find a place

that Carrie had not been to
with either Big or Samantha,

so I don't wanna be difficult.

Hm...

Okay, well, this has
been building for years,

so I'm just gonna say it...

You think I'm not part
of the "inner circle."

That, that, that's right.

My therapist thinks it's
because you're threatened

by my relationship with Carrie.

You've been talking about me in therapy?

You've come up. Gimlet!

Because all you have
to do is walk... Yeah...

- Jesus Christ.
- GLORIA: Okay,

we're up to the last gift.

"I hereby make a bequest in the amount

of one million dollars to..."

Uh, Miranda?

Do you wanna help me here?

Why? What's the, uh...

Here it is. One million dollars to...

What's all the drama?
What's the charity?

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

_

- Natasha?
- His ex-wife.

- What is this?
- I knew nothing about it.

In my experience, when people
have unfinished business,

they tend to throw money
at it. Yes, I'm still here.

GLORIA: Norman, get
off the damned phone.

CARRIE: I was doing well.

- Wasn't I doing well before this?
- Yes, you were.

- Remarkably well.
- I was very impressed.

I mean, I was doing the
podcast, I was washing my hair...

I mean, yes, I wasn't
eating or sleeping,

but at least I felt
good about my marriage,

and now, I'm just one of the wives

- he was taking care of.
- Ow!

- Worst four-top ever.
- I had a much better table.

- Let it go, Charlotte.
- All right, you know what,

here, I-I'll switch seats with you.

I'm used to getting slammed from behind.

No, nobody is switching seats. Hi!

Uh, could you be more careful?
You keep hitting his seat.

- And can I get another Cabernet?
- And what is she doing

- in his will?
- That's the million dollar question.

Yeah, a million dollars. Hello?

Everyone, calm down.

After taxes, it's really only , .

Which is a sh*t-ton of money!

On top of what I'm sure was a very
generous divorce settlement, right?

All right, you know what,
it's not even about the money.

It really isn't.
I would be just as upset

if I, if I found out that
he left her $ . But just...

Why is she in there at all?

Well, he did destroy her life.

CHARLOTTE: He did not destroy her life.

- I saw her at Bergdorf pre-pandemic.
- How did she look?

Like someone whose
life was not destroyed.

Well, f*ck her perfect,
not-destroyed life,

and her pre-tax million dollars.

CARRIE: Okay, first of all, no.

We're not doing that. She
didn't do anything wrong.

I'm the one who had the affair...

- with her husband.
- He was with you first,

so really, she cheated on you

before you cheated on her.

- God, you're a good friend.
- Seriously, where is my wine?

And why did he keep it a secret?

He didn't even tell Gloria,
and she knew his blood type.

Do not let this eat you up!

You and Big were
the happiest couple I know.

Sorry, no offense.

- None taken.
- It's okay.

Oh yeah, well, thanks.

I thought we were good, too,

but then, why was he still thinking

about her after all this time?

And what was their unfinished business?

I just can't believe it.

Big's gone and Natasha's back.

Did you even know they were in touch?

- Who said they were in touch?
- Or not...

- Ow!
- You deserved that one.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

CHARLOTTE: "Alexandra
heaved a sigh of relief",

"pleased that things were going well

"with at least one of my parents.

"On the other hand, Mom
wasn't as easy a sell.

"She fixed..." Ooh!

Could you just scooch over
a little bit, baby girl?

- I'm fallin' off the bed here.
- Mm.

I hate it when you call me that.

Well, you are my baby,

and you will always be my baby
no matter how big you get.

I'm not talking about the baby part.

I'm talking about the girl part.

What do you mean?

I don't feel like a girl.

Oh...

Well...

Sometimes, I don't
feel like a girl either.

Lily? Sometimes, you don't
feel like a girl, right?

Well, I never feel like a girl.

- Ah!
- [THUD]

CHARLOTTE: I'm fine!

_

- What's in this bowl here?
- Those are chia seeds.

They're loaded with antioxidants.

- Oh. cool.
- Mom, is this all the malt balls left?

Yes, use a scoop!

I don't know where
those hands have been.

Is it a bad idea to let
them have sex in the house?

Why? Do you have a time machine?

You know, whole milk is
actually healthier than low-fat,

especially for aging bones.

- Excuse me?
- No offense!

I mean, I'm aging, too.

Kinda the definition of being alive.

[GIGGLES]

Did we accidentally adopt her?

STEVE: I don't know.

[MOVIE CONTINUES]

[CLICKING NECKLACE]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

_

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh!

- [RINGING STOPS]
- Hello?

[ON BOTH PHONES]: Go to sleep.

_

Ma'am, we delivered two baguettes

and one sourdough loaf.
What's the problem?

What do you mean your
delivery boy wasn't hot?

He was smokin' hot!

And no, hot is not subjective.

You're either hot or
you're not. Thank you!

Jesus, this city!

This place is awesome, Uncle Anthony.

Well, don't get too
attached. It's a rental.

We have to be outta here at o'clock.

That's when the bitchy vegans take over.

Who would've thought all of this
came from one stinky

little sourdough
starter in your kitchen?

Well, when they shut down
all the gyms during the COVID,

I had to find a different kind
of handjob to keep me busy.

What's a handjob?

It's a job that you do with your
hands, like you're doing now!

And speakin' of smelly, pee-ew.

And I say this with love,

less skateboard, more deodorant.

Yes, I'm lookin' at you, little girl!

Um, ahem, Anthony,

could you just come on out here,

and just talk to me about
these different kitchens

that are down the hall?

Oh, come on. She knows I love her,

and she needs to hear this stuff.

It's not about that.

Last night, Rose told me

that she does not wanna
be called a girl anymore.

Doesn't feel like a girl.

Uh-huh. She's a kid. Ignore it.

I'm her mother, I can't ignore it.

- Says who?
- Everyone.

Well, f*ck everyone!

When she was six, she
told you she was a dog.

Is she a dog now? No.

But I can't just ignore this.

And when she was six, I
put down a bowl of water

on the floor for a week.

You're too indulgent.

CHARLOTTE: So...

you don't think that this is something?

Well, who knows?

When I was little, I
wanted to be Tinkerbell.

Did my mother cut holes
in my school blazer

for my wings? No.

- But maybe she should have.
- And what?

I would've grown up to be a fairy?

Don't answer that. It's too easy.

But I'm just confused
about how to handle this,

and I wanna do the right thing.

And you will, when
and if the time comes,

and I will be there with you
and Rose every step of the way.

But right now, she's just
a little sourdough starter.

Who knows what she's gonna grow into?

So relax... and get her some deodorant.

Nope... Saw it... Crap...

Get outta here...

- MIRANDA: Okay!
- Huh?

Um, I'm almost ready.

Uh, do you want the frozen
blueberries and the chia seeds,

or are you off those now?

Chia seeds are bullshit.

I had one stuck in my teeth all day.

- So, what are we watchin'?
- Um...

I was thinking maybe that Danish show

that everyone says is
confusing but worth it.

Hi. Everything okay?

Did you know Big had a dog named Gogie?

I did not. Why?

It's the prelude to
why I went crazy today.

I'm gonna need some context.

Well, I was going through his stuff,

and the single photo
I found in his wallet

is of a dog he never even mentioned.

Oh! And a Pinkberry punch card.

Not once in my life did I see that man

eat a Pinkberry, or use a punch card,

so what else don't I know?

- You sound a little wired.
- Oh, I am.

I've been spiraling all
day about him and Natasha,

and I decided that the only way

- to rid myself of this feeling...
- What feeling?

That there was something
that I didn't know.

- So I decided...
- Mm-hm.

That the best way for
me to just move past this

is to look Natasha in
the eye, and just...

have a grown-up conversation.

- So, I emailed her.
- Y... Wait, y-you, you did?

Yep, I sure did, and it wasn't easy.

The first email that I sent bounced back

because, apparently, she
took some highfalutin job

at Mina Minetti, which is,

if you can wrap your brain around this,

a higher-end Brunello Cucinelli.

These words mean nothing to me,

but now I want pasta.

CARRIE: It's a cashmere company.

The sixth stage of grief is stalking...

just, you know, in
case you were curious.

- That's good to know.
- So, I emailed her at, um...

I'll tell you exactly.

At approximately...

Yep. : today and nothing.

Nothing. Not a word. What kind of person

doesn't respond to a grieving wife?

MIRANDA: A busy one. It's
only been a few hours.

Carrie, did you get
any sleep at all last night?

No, of course not.

He should've given her
the apartment, too...

[SIGHS] 'cause I can't
sleep in here anymore.

It's haunted.

Him, her.

- Gogie.
- Pinkberry.

Hello?! You comin'?
I'm about to be asleep.

CARRIE: Oh, wait a minute.
I just found her on Instagram.

Oh my god, okay, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna DM her in case
she didn't get my email.

I say we give her another day.
I think it's, it's fine that you

- emailed her. I think...
- Too late, I just did it.

Oh sh*t... Now I'm scared.

Don't be scared. You, you
just lost your husband.

She's a human being. She's
gonna respond with compassion.

You're right. What am I afraid of?

Big's dead. The worst that
can happen already happened.

Oh my God, she just
blocked me on Instagram!

Okay, she's a f*cking bitch.

CARRIE: Tried to do
this the dignified way.

Said the woman hiding in
an SUV with tinted windows.

Well, she left me no choice.

She blocked me on Instagram, I
can't reach her through email.

I need to somehow have
this conversation...

so I can put an end to the spiraling.

I will put an end to the spiraling.

Big loved you. You were happy.

- There is nothing you don't know.
- Oh really?

- Who is that?
- Gogie.

Big's dog... Another
bitch I knew nothin' about.

- Carrie, you're acting crazy.
- I sure hope so!

I really, really hope

that when I am sitting across from her,

I feel insane for doing this.

Okay, let's say they were in touch.

What's your worst fear?

Oh my God, I don't know where to begin.

That he regretted choosing me over her?

He didn't.

That she had an affair with him

to get back at me for what I did.

- She didn't!
- Charlotte, you can't tell me that.

Only one person can tell me that.

It's her!

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

She's wearing flats.

That is the most desperate
put-down I've ever heard.

You're gonna be just fine.

We're gonna be at the Starbucks

- on the corner waiting for you.
- Okay.

You look fantastic!

Oh, thanks. I've been
dressed since : .

- Hi.
- Hello. I'm here to see Natasha Mills.

Carrie Bradshaw. Preston.

- She knows me.
- Okay. Um, I will try her.

[TYPING]

You-you can just have a seat.

Okay, thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

I wonder what's keeping Carrie?

I mean, how long could it
take to drag a lifeless Natasha

into a service elevator?

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I'm watching too many streaming series.

[LAUGHS]

- You want a muffin?
- No, thanks.

- Okay.
- My phone is about to die.

You don't have a charger on you, do you?

Oh yeah. [GRUNTS]

- Somewhere in here.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.

MIRANDA: Hi. Can I
get a blueberry muffin?

Thank you.

- Here you are.
- Thanks so much.

[SIGHS] Thank you.

- Okay... you're eating half of this.
- Okay.

So, lotta textbooks in there.

Is it stressful being a student again?

Now that I know everyone's pronouns, no.

You-you and Steve, h-h-how are things?

The same.

You know, the other day at lunch,

when you said that Carrie and Big

were the happiest couple you know,

I thought, are Steve and
I even a couple anymore?

I mean, no sex... for years.

- Still, for years?
- Years!

And I don't think either one
of us even thinks about it.

The only thing that we're passionate
about is our dessert ritual.

Are we a couple, or just roommates

with ice cream and a kid?

If we didn't have Brady, what
would we talk about? Chia seeds?

Ms. Bradshaw?

I'm Amber, Natasha's assistant.
So sorry to keep you waiting.

I was just informed you were out here.

Unfortunately, Natasha
is unavailable today.

She's in Rome.

Have a nice day.

[ANIMATED MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUTTERING TO HERSELF]

Uh-oh.

- So how'd it go?
- What happened?

She's in "Rome."

- Rome?
- She's what?

How dare she? She's not in Rome!

She's in that building
right there, three floors up.

- One, two, three...
- [ALL GASP]

[GASPS] Oh my God. It's her, it's her.

Oh my god! Ah!

[ALL YELLING, SWEARING]

CARRIE: Oh sh*t.

- CHARLOTTE: Sorry, sorry.
- MIRANDA: Ow! My knees!

Oh, this is why I gave up running.

I was pointing at her.

[LAUGHS] This is so
bad, it's almost funny.

No, not funny.

I have never been so humiliated,

and I've been humiliated
a lot in front of that woman.

She is the one who should
be humiliated, not you!

You caught her in a lie.

And she caught me in the truth.

Oh... Oh...

- Carrie...
- CHARLOTTE: Aw!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi. What're you doing up so early?

CARRIE: Oh, I'm in
Central Park, walking.

It's amazing what you learn about
our city when you don't sleep.

For instance, were you aware
that thousands of people jog

every morning at AM,
and everyone has a dog.

I did know that.

So, you didn't sleep again?

CARRIE: [LAUGHS]
That's hilarious, sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes,
I saw Natasha up on her throne,

looking down at me.

- [URINATING]
- Harry!

I'm on the phone here!

This is the bathroom!
I think I have the right of way.

No, no, I can let you go. I just
wanted to tell you about tonight.

Um, Miranda's gonna
meet us at Che's taping,

- so I'll pick you up at , okay?
- CHARLOTTE: Got it.

- Where ya headed now?
- CARRIE: Oh, who knows?

Think I'll follow this
basset hound here...

see where she takes me, hm!

CHARLOTTE: Okay, bye. I love you.

[URINATING]

Still? You're still peeing?

A lotta men my age can't
pull off a stream like this.

Count your blessings.

[URINATING CONTINUES]

- Oh! Here I am!
- Hey!

I see you.

You're the only -year-old
sitting on the university steps.

- And now, there are two of us.
- [LAUGHING]

You know, when I got
your text on the subway,

- I thought your phone had been hacked.
- Hm.

You really walked all
this way? In those shoes?!

These are my sneakers.

How much time do you have?

Uh, for you, all the time in the world,

but I have class in minutes,
so start talking.

Okay, well, I guess the headline
is, "I can't stop walking."

It's the only thing that
helps, and it's not helping.

I guess all that moving around
is better than sitting still,

and feeling... whatever it
is you're not wanting to feel.

- And what would that be?
- You tell me.

[SIGHS]

I'm really mad at Big.

I almost forgot how I used
to feel all those years ago.

You know, so nervous, and
insecure, and desperate.

You know, like what
we had wasn't enough.

Like I wasn't enough.

And I just hate that
after all the good years,

this is what I'm left with.

He ruined our happy sad ending.

- Thank you.
- For what?

For not arguing with me,
trying to make me feel better.

Me? Argue?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

CHARLOTTE: Go, go. Go.

Go, go, go. Go.

Hey! I just stopped by
your place. Where are you?

Oh, still walking. I'm
now in a very exotic place

called the Upper West Side.

nd and Amsterdam, but
unlike the other Amsterdam,

no tulips or wooden shoes.

Still walking? I am worried about you.

Well, you should be. I'm a mess.

- You're not a mess, Carrie.
- Charlotte, Charlotte.

You have to let me say I'm a mess.

- Okay.
- I mean, I appreciate it, I do,

but nobody can make me feel better.

I have to get there myself,

which is gonna take a
hell of a lot more walking,

but first, I have to pee.

So, I'm gonna go in
this little shop here,

and I'm gonna buy a coffee,

so I can use their bathroom,
and not feel bad.

Oh, and then, I'm
gonna have to pee again

- in Chelsea.
- Got it.

- It's a vicious cycle.
- I understand. I love you.

Mr. Burton, come!
Come, come, come, come!

- Someone's in here!
- Oh my God! Sor...

- Ah!
- Oh my god!

[SCREAMS]

Ouch! [GASPS]

At a coffee shop? At my job?

Where are you gonna hunt
me down next, Carrie?

In the showers at Equinox?

I swear, this was a total coincidence.

I never imagined in a million
years you'd be all the way up here.

This isn't even your neighborhood.

Yes, I also know where you live.

What do you want from me?

What the f*ck do you want from me?!

CARRIE: Um...

I'm not really sure anymore.

But since you're here,

do you think maybe we could
just talk, just for a minute?

I don't have a minute.

No, I am not doing this.

I cannot think about you anymore!

I am done thinking about you!

I've already given you more minutes
of my life than you ever deserved!

Yes, you have. I agree.

That...

The burn looks bad.

CARRIE: No, it's fine.

It doesn't look fine. You should ice it.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

[SIGHS]

My son has...

low blood sugar, so I
have to make sure I...

carry something around
with me at all times.

- You have a son?
- Mm.

Two, actually.

Just dropped them at
Trinity, right up here.

But you already know that, don't you?

Actually, I didn't.

Thank you.

[SIGHS]

If this is about the will...

I've already told my
lawyers I will not accept it.

Give it to charity.

Why did he leave it to me anyway?

I haven't spoken to
him since the divorce.

So, neither of us knows?

'Cause I just found
out at the will reading.

Oh...

Well, that must've been... hard.

[SIGHS]

Classic John. Just always a puzzle.

At least with me.

I'll never understand
why he ever married me

when he was always in love with you.

How's the burn?

It's... It's better.

Well, I am late, so I should go.

I really am sorry for your loss.

Thank you for that...

and for the ice.

And for whatever it's worth,

I think the money was his way

of saying that he was sorry.

You know, he was a finance guy.

He's not...

Wasn't great with words.

Agreed.

And I'm sorry as well.

Oh God, for everything.

I appreciate that...

but we're okay. It's all in the past.

But, maybe, we shouldn't

follow each other on Instagram.

%. Totally agree.

[SIGHS]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHE: Ohh, yeah, so...

I've dated a lot in my life.

- I've dated men...
- [AUDIENCE BOOS]

- I've dated women...
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I've dated...

men who actually know
how to please a woman.

- He was nice.
- Woo!

Umm, I've dated...

pretty much everyone in
here. Cheer if I f*cked you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

- Cheer if you f*cked me.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Oh... cheer if you want me to f*ck you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

[CHE LAUGHS]

When you said VIP seats,

I assumed there'd actually be seats.

You know, a lot of people
have no idea how to process

gender individuality,
and that is because

every time we are represented
in mainstream media,

we have to be from some
other galaxy... right?

Or like some super skinny model.

Or like, uh, an ethereal magical elf

with an ethereal magical
elf septum nose ring.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, and check it out!

When we are earthbound,

we are always at a m*rder scene...

never at a birthday party.

Oh, and...

there's always only one of us.

Never with a friend.

Just one sad nonbinary character,

or just one sad...

trans character just wandering.

"I'm so sad and alone."

"I'm so sad..." Look...

It's okay to be sad
and alone, all right?

There's plenty to be sad about,

but I have got news
for those m*therf*ckers,

I'm not always sad!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I laugh. I laugh all the f*ckin' time.

[CHE LAUGHS]

And I'm not always alone.

I have community, I have allies,

- I have friends...
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Listen, put our real asses
on TV, okay? All right?

We are gonna smell like
pot when we get home.

How am I gonna explain this to my kids?

How am I gonna explain
this to my doorman?

- You're missing it!
- CHE: I think the world can handle it.

And I know this because
my own family handled it.

Half-Mexican, half-Irish, all Catholic.

That is... That is
a lotta rice and beads.

The Thanksgiving I
came out to my family,

I stood up in the living
room, and I was like...

"Family..."

"I love you!"

"And I just want you to know..."

"that I am q*eer...

"and nonbinary...

and bisexual."

[CHE EXHALES]

[AUDIENCE SNAPPING]

And they were like,

"That's nice. Can you move?
You're blocking the game."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Yay! Move.

And I was like, "Oh sh*t!"

"Oh sh*t! That's it?!

I set aside four hours
for this, but okay."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "Alright."

[CHE LAUGHS]

Seriously, I f*ckin' lucked
out with my family, dudes.

My family f*ckin' loves me!

- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- Loves me!

My family is all love
and all acceptance,

just don't block the f*cking game.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And just because my family loves me...

does not mean that
they're not confused, okay?

I am like an episode
of "Unsolved Mysteries."

They're so confused.

Okay? Yeah. [LAUGHS]

I don't know, I think
we all are these days.

You know? It's like,
"Oh, he, she, they, them.

Ooh, please tell me which box to check!"

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- But you know what I say?

I say better to be
confused than to be sure.

- Because... Right?
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Right?

Because when you're sure,
then nothin' can change.

And we all have somethin'
we need to change.

I mean, some of us have something
we really need to change,

and so, change! Do it!

- Change it!
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Change that sh*t up!

You're not happy with who you are?

Step outta that box and change it!

Change!

Change your address, change your job,

change your, change your mind.

Change your gender.

Change your shirt.

No, really, man. Change your shirt.

Banana Republic hasn't sold that shirt

in like five years.

So, I just wanna say

to all those people out
there who are so f*ckin' sure,

all those people who make TV,

and who write for
newspapers and magazines,

and who run news shows,

and everyone who wants
us to be alone and sad?

I just wanna say, suck my d*ck.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Actually, I don't have a d*ck.

If I did, I would've had
this special five years ago.

Good night, America!

["I AM AMERICA" BY SHEA DIAMOND PLAYING]

♪ Baby, I am America ♪

♪ I'm a stranger just like you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby, I am America ♪

♪ You been beggin' for the truth ♪

Wow... Wow!

- It's good, right?
- Ah!

I just, uh, I have to go backstage,

say a quick hi, and then we can go.

But we... Wh-wh-what
about the after party?

We have the VIP bracelets.

Yeah, no.

♪ Crystal clear ♪

CARRIE: It says Hector is approaching.

CHARLOTTE: Hi, Rose, honey.

I just wanted to hear your voice...

and make sure that you
know how much I love you.

[LAUGHS] No, that's it.

Yes, you can go back to your Mario Kart.

- Yep, this is us, Charlotte.
- Okay. Bye, sweetie.

Hi! Yep. You sure? You're okay?

- You don't want us to wait with you?
- Totally!

My car is gonna be here in two minutes.

- Okay.
- Get home safe.

Thanks again. So much fun.

- Woo!
- Love you.

- Thank you for coming.
- I love it.

- Love you, too.
- Hello!

Hector, you really brought it.

I did not order this big car.

[ALL SAYING GOODBYE]

[BLOWS KISSES]

Whoo! I love my life!

Come on, you guys!

["HOLD ON" BY ALABAMA SHAKES PLAYING]

♪ Yeah, you got to hold on ♪

♪ Yeah, you got to wait ♪

♪ Yeah, you got to wait ♪

- Rambo!
- [LAUGHS]

Carrie said that you
were all heading home.

Well, I was,

but I kept hearing your voice in my head

saying, "Change."

I am just like this little robot

going to my house every night.

Eh, would it k*ll me to
mix things up a little bit?

What you said is so true, though.

Change is hard.

Bodies at rest remain at rest.

Bodies in motion remain in motion.

You're totally right!

Yeah, I definitely
didn't say that last part.

No, no! That's, uh, um,
Sir Isaac Newton.

It's on the side of
one of my water bottles.

You were so amazing up there.

Amazing! You are like a comedy prophet.

[COUGHS] Oh sh*t.

Okay, do me a favor.

Stop talking...

and just breathe.

Okay.

But could I just say one more thing?

I think you could use some weed.

Oh, wow, no. I don't, I don't think so.

I w... I was never good at that.

And things that I'm not good
at, I, I tend to abandon.

Mm...

Do you mind if I shotgun you?

Is that where you blow the...

Okay.

♪ You got to hold on ♪

♪ You got to hold on ♪

♪ You got to hold on ♪

♪ You got to hold on ♪

- How was that for you?
- Perfect.

Loud. Giant pause
button on current events.

I'm glad.

Could I talk to you about
something that's been on my mind?

Um, yes, I think so.

It's about Miranda and her drinking.

I'm... I know she has a lot going on,

but... I think she has a problem.

God, really?

I mean, aren't we all
just drinking too much

'cause there's a lot
to drink about lately.

In fact, if we're gonna have this
conversation, I'm gonna need a drink.

This is different.

Yesterday, I found three tiny Tito's
bottles in her backpack, empty.

Three tiny Tito's
bottles. That is weird.

Well, maybe, she was having
a tiny party in her backpack.

And, tonight, before the show

I noticed she had two glasses of wine.

Okay, could you stop noticing things.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

CARRIE: This is good.

Thank you.

Mrs. Preston... Are you coming in?

Actually, Joe, I think I'm
gonna take a little walk.

Very good, ma'am.

CARRIE: And just like that...

I walked myself home.