♪ Here's the story ♪
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
( jazzy rendition of
Brady Bunch theme plays)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Greg, watch the...
watch out for the wagon now.
Don't go on the grass.
( sighs)
How did I do?
Well, you did fine.
I'm proud of you.
You really mean it?
Anybody who can navigate
the Brady obstacle course
without a major collision
is ready for anything.
I hope I do as well tomorrow
when I take that driver's test.
No, you'll do fine.
( both laughing)
I wish you kids
would keep your junk
out of the driveway.
"Kids"?
Look who's calling who "kids."
When you're old
enough to drive a car,
you're not a kid anymore.
Oh, big man.
Look, for your information,
they don't give a
license to just anybody.
And in hours,
I'm going to have one that says
"Greg Brady, qualified driver."
If you pass the test.
( snickers)
( girls laughing)
He can't even
unbuckle his seat belt.
MARCIA: Great driver.
Oh, you've got it.
I've been looking
all over for it.
Oh, boy, there sure
are a lot of rules
and regulations.
You got to know this
whole thing exactly.
Even if I could
learn the written part,
I'd still have a problem.
Why's that?
I don't know how to drive.
You mean you've never driven?
Only shopping carts.
Over , miles,
only one accident.
If you want to learn,
I could teach you easily.
Oh, you really think so?
Oh, sure. Come on.
Yeah. We'll use these. Okay.
This will be the
driver seat. All right.
The passenger seat.
I'll fasten my seat belt, huh?
( chuckles)
Okay.
This will be your
steering wheel.
Oh, that is some
classy steering wheel.
( imitates engine
idling) Hold it.
What's the matter?
You forgot to
turn on the engine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Huh, ah, ah, ah...
Hold it. Hold it.
What's the matter now?
You can't just pull
away from the curb
without checking behind you.
You have a rearview mirror
up here and over there,
and check over your shoulder.
Eh, eh, eh, all right. Now...
( imitates engine idling)
( chuckles)
That's a nice, quiet engine.
You're doing fine.
Thank you.
You better watch it now, Alice.
You're on the freeway.
Freeway? Oh, no,
you don't catch me...
Alice, hang onto the wheel.
( humming)
ALICE: Look out!
What are you doing, Alice?
I'm driving.
In the kitchen?
No, on the freeway.
It's my first driving lesson.
We'd better get out of here.
Yeah. This is no
place for pedestrians.
( sighs)
I thought I heard
the car drive up.
What's taking Greg so long?
There will be no living with him
once he gets his license.
Well, look, Marcia,
I wouldn't tease
him if I were you.
I mean, you're going to
be getting your license
in another year or two.
Boy, they'll give a
license to anybody.
Is that so?
Yeah. Cool it.
( door closing)
MARCIA: Hi, Greg.
( mumbles): Hi.
Oh, uh, Dad had to
go back to the office.
He said he'd be
home in time for dinner.
You don't have to tell us, Greg.
We can tell by the
look on your face.
A lot of people don't pass
the first time, honey.
What did the man say?
The man... said
to show you this.
Oh, you!
It's your license.
Congratulations!
Boy, that was pretty sneaky
putting us on like that.
But we'll let you drive
us around anyway.
Yeah, congratulations.
Thanks.
Oh, that's great.
Well, look, you
know, I promised you
you can drive my
car once in a while,
and I'm sure your father
will let you drive his, too.
You and Dad don't have
to worry about that anymore.
What do you mean?
Now that I'm an official driver,
I'll buy a car of my own.
A car of your own!
I don't know which of
these cars I'd rather have.
Boy, are you a dreamer.
Yeah, what are you
going to use for money?
This convertible is groovy.
But the hardtop
is pretty sharp, too.
Why don't you get them
both, Mr. Moneybags?
You guys think I'm
kidding about getting a car?
If you're not, you're nuts.
Just to prove it... Peter,
you know my bike?
Yeah. What about it?
Now that I'll be
getting a car of my own,
I won't need the bike anymore.
You can have it.
I can? Sure.
What's the catch?
Can't a guy perform a
simple act of generosity
without being suspected?
Boy, I always said
you were the greatest.
Didn't I, Bobby?
No. Just this morning...
Who asked you?
Thanks, Greg.
Think nothing of it.
GREG: Hi, Dad.
Hi.
Say, I hear you've been
talking about buying a car.
Yeah, I figured why should I
inconvenience you and
Mom always borrowing yours?
That's very considerate of you.
Is this the one
you have in mind?
No, but I'm going to try
and get something
as close to it as I can.
( whistles)
That's a pretty fancy machine.
A gentle reminder
to you, my boy:
Your name is Brady, not Onassis.
I'm going to buy it, Dad.
Look, I've been saving: $ .
Hey, you have been adding to it.
That's good.
( chuckles): Okay.
But I want you to
promise me one thing:
Before you buy a car,
you let me look at it.
Sure, Dad.
How did you manage
to save all that?
It wasn't easy.
I had to give up a lot
of the necessities of life.
Like what?
Pizzas and French
fries and girls...
Girls?
Well, mostly pizzas
and French fries.
I still don't like the idea
of a -year-old
owning his own car.
Well, now look, honey,
you know, we did promise him.
And he's had driver's
education in school,
he's passed his test,
and really, he's a
pretty good driver.
I know, but why can't he
drive your car or my car?
In the long run, what
difference does it make?
Your car, my car, his car.
You got to be logical with him.
I don't have to be
logical... I'm a mother.
Well, anyway,
I think you're
worrying prematurely
because by the time
Greg gets enough money
for the kind of car he wants,
the models
are going to be here.
Oh, no, he wants to
buy a car right now.
Look, he's only got
a hundred bucks.
He's not going be
satisfied with anything
he can get for that.
Just a hundred dollars?
Yes, and delusions of grandeur.
What kind of a car could he get
for a hundred dollars?
She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg?
I'm only selling her
because I need a
fast hundred bucks.
You know, I got five or six guys
just waiting to buy this baby,
but it's such a good deal,
I wanted a friend
to have it first.
Thanks, Eddie,
I appreciate that.
There's an awful
lot of chrome missing
up and down here,
and all these dents.
What chrome missing?
I got it right here.
You just straighten it out.
As for these dents,
take it to the auto
shop at school,
they'll pound them
right out for you.
So it sticks a little.
When you own a convertible,
you don't use doors...
You just jump right in.
Sports car, right?
Right.
But if you want to
do it the regular way,
it does work.
You see?
Eddie, look at this big hole
in the backseat.
What hole?
A little rip.
Just sew it up.
Only a dime for
needle and thread.
Listen to this horn.
( honks horn)
The windshield
wipers work, the radio...
Can I hear the engine?
Sure. Purrs like a kitten.
( engine starting)
( engine chugging)
( engine rumbling, backfires)
Runs a little rough
until she warms up,
then she's great.
Yeah, I can feel it.
( engine backfires)
( turns off engine, backfires)
The idle just needs
to be adjusted.
All this baby needs
is a little bit of work.
Eddie, I don't know.
Greg, Greg, for a hundred bucks
and a little bit of work,
you got yourself a car
that's worth maybe $ .
Think all it'll take
is a little work?
Positive.
Tell you what I'm gonna do...
I'm gonna throw in a repair
manual, absolutely free.
With this, a ten-year-old
could fix her up.
I told my dad I'd let him look
at anything I bought first.
What time is it, Greg?
It's : . Why?
Car's gonna be gone
by the time you
get your dad here.
I got a guy coming
in ten minutes.
And with him...
it's a sure sale.
Eddie, I don't know.
Greg, it's a great deal.
Or would you rather
wait five or six years
for a set of wheels?
Cocoa, uh, sugar...
Yup. ( car horn honking)
Peanut butter. Right.
( car horn blowing off-key)
What on earth was that?
( horn blowing off-key)
Sounds like the mating call
of a lovesick moose.
( horn blowing off-key)
What's that?
That sounds horrible!
I know. Come on.
( horn blowing off-key)
Oh...
( horn blowing off-key)
Hi.
Greg, could you
turn that thing off?
Dad, I'm trying.
As soon as I get
the hood open...
( horn stops)
How do you like her?
( laughing)
Oh, Mike.
She's mine; all mine.
( hissing)
Head for the hills, men!
The dam has busted!
Greg, are you trying to tell us
that you actually
bought this, uh...
Classic, Dad.
Mike, do you think it's safe
for him to drive it?
Honey, I think it's the safest
kind of car you could have...
One that's not going to run.
A little work, I'll have
this thing running great.
Listen, I thought
you promised me
that you were going
to let me look at the car
before you bought it. Yeah.
I know, but I had to move fast.
A lot of other guys
wanted to buy this thing,
but my friend, Eddie,
offered it to me first.
It was such a great bargain,
I knew you'd understand.
Some friend, that Eddie.
Yeah.
Greg, uh, what
did you pay for it?
A hundred bucks.
Eddie said it was a steal.
Yeah, I think it was a steal.
He even threw in
this repair manual.
Now with this thing,
even a ten-year-old
could fix her up.
See, it tells you how
to boil out a carburetor,
work on the timing gear,
and a lot of stuff
about the transmission.
Well, I think I'll leave
you two mechanics
to work out the greasy details.
I'll be back in about an hour
to see Old Faithful blow again.
Well, do you think
you could get it started
so I could hear the engine?
Uh, sure, Dad. Yeah.
( engine rattling loudly)
How does it sound?
Like a flock of
geese heading south.
Sick geese.
( engine stops)
Yeah, well, Eddie
says that's the idle.
Nothing a couple of turns
of a screwdriver can't fix.
You know what, Dad?
I was thinking.
Put a new coat of paint on here.
Maybe a rally stripe
down the front of the hood.
Mag wheels, a whip
antenna for the radio.
Don't you think
that's gonna strain
your budget a little bit?
Well, not if I do
all the work myself.
It shouldn't cost much at all.
Not much more than
a new Rolls-Royce.
Yeah, well, maybe I
can do a little bit at a time.
Well, all right, all right.
We'll work it out.
You know, it-it
kind of reminds me
of an old car my
dad used to have.
Matter of fact, I think
it is my dad's old car.
Jan, you don't stir paint
with a socket wrench.
You'll ruin it.
Give it to me.
Okay, here.
Thanks a lot.
Is all the rust coming off?
I hope not.
What do you mean?
It's the only thing
holding the car together.
Take it easy.
At least the upholstery
is clean, Greg.
Great. Thanks, Marcia.
Hey, what's that stuff
you're cleaning it with?
Water.
Black water?
It wasn't black when I started.
( vacuum cleaner whirring)
What do you think you're doing?
Cleaning the engine.
There's a lot of grease
and gunk in here.
You don't clean an
engine with a vacuum.
Get that out of here.
( muttering): Kids.
Hey, Alice, what
are you cooking?
Something new?
Would you care to
guess, Mrs. Brady?
Well, it certainly
smells odd. Cabbage?
Nope.
Well, now I know it's
not Brussels sprouts.
Nope. Give up? Yes.
Specialty of the house:
Boiled-out carburetor a la Greg.
( family talking excitedly)
Listen, I knew you
thought I'd never get done...
That's true.
But here it is.
Well, I have to admit, I
was a doubting Thomas.
Yeah, and I was Mrs.
Doubting Thomas.
I guess I'm just a
natural-born mechanic.
I got the engine
running like a watch.
ALICE: What's that?
Spare parts for the watch?
No, I redesigned the engine.
That's just extra
junk we didn't need.
All right, everybody,
you're about to see
the hottest set of wheels
this side of Indianapolis.
CAROL: Okay.
I think we put the cloth on
before the paint was dry.
I think it's just caught
in the door here.
Here it is, folks.
Ta-da!
( all laughing)
( all murmuring admiration)
MIKE: You've certainly
done a fine job, son.
Say, that looks marvelous.
Wait till you hear the engine.
( engine idling smoothly)
Oh, and I fixed that
short in the horn, too.
In fact, I rewired all
the electrical circuits.
Listen to this horn.
He did say horn...
didn't he say horn?
( squeaking, whining)
( bangs)
What's causing that?
( horn blowing off-key)
( steam hissing)
It's going mad.
( squeaking, whining,
wailing, hissing)
Hey, you better bail out.
( squeaking, whining,
wailing, hissing)
Boy, did I ever get
stuck with a lemon.
"A little elbow grease."
Well, I don't think
a little elbow grease
is going to cure rigor mortis.
Careful, Dad.
You're liable to crush the door.
Some friend, that Eddie.
Aw, come on, Greg,
forget about Eddie.
You made a business deal,
he got the best
of you, that's all.
A business deal.
That's the last time
I'm going to do
business with a friend.
I think maybe you
learned something
about the business world.
What do you mean?
Well, look, you take sellers...
They've got
something to sell, right?
Right.
Naturally, they're
going to make it sound
as attractive as possible
even if they have to
exaggerate to do it.
You mean lie.
Yes, quite often they do.
Although they might
call it gilding the lily.
But the important thing
is that you're the buyer...
You have to keep
your guard up, see?
It's the old principle
of caveat emptor.
Caveat emptor?
It's Latin for "Let
the buyer beware."
Or, to put it in the vernacular,
"Them who don't look,
sometimes gets took."
Well, that Eddie really took me.
Yeah, he did.
He had you hog-tied and
happy before you knew it.
But you let it happen.
Okay, the important thing is
that you learned something.
Yeah, don't worry,
Dad, have I ever.
Good boy.
What were you
talking to Dad about?
Oh, a few of the facts of life.
Like caveat emptor.
What's that?
It means "Let the
buyer beware" in Latin.
Yeah, don't you know anything?
Oh, I know Latin.
Obby-bay Ady-bray.
That's "Bobby Brady" in Latin.
That's pig Latin, loser.
Boy, I sure learned my lesson.
When I get rid
of that old clunk,
this time, I'm the seller,
and it's the other guy who
has to do the caveat emptoring.
How you gonna get rid of it?
Just find somebody
who is dumber than I am.
It isn't going to be easy.
Uh, I knew you were
looking for a car, Ronnie.
That's why I called.
I want a friend
to have this baby.
I don't know, Greg.
It looks kind of an old model.
Oh, Ronnie, the
word isn't "old."
The word is "classic."
In a couple of years,
this'll be a collector's item
worth five times
what I'm asking for it.
Yeah, you think so?
Oh, sure.
Listen, I got five or six
guys after this beauty.
But like I said, I want
a friend to have it.
Yeah, and I appreciate it, too.
Hi. What are you doing?
Uh, just showing Ronnie
this little gem here.
Tell him how sensational
the car is, girls.
Sure. Sensational.
Oh, especially when
it's standing still.
( laughs loudly)
Those sisters of mine.
Great little sense of humor.
What's the matter with the door?
So it sticks a little.
Listen, when you
got a convertible,
who uses doors?
You just kind of jump in
like it was a sports car, right?
Watch this.
There. Now, listen,
I want to tell you
about these
wipers I got in here.
I got them hooked
up to the horn.
It's fantastic.
All you do is... Greg,
can I have these?
Cindy, can't you see I'm busy?
But you said these
parts were left over
after you tried
to fix the motor.
( laughs loudly)
Great little sense of humor.
Nine years old.
Cindy, I got a candy
bar on my dresser.
You can have it.
Thanks.
Sure.
Hey, Ronnie, why
don't you try it?
Come on.
By the way, how's the engine?
Ah, it's great. Just great.
And, listen, I wanted
to show you this radio.
Well, can I hear it?
Uh, sure, but it's
a waste of time.
Purrs like a kitten.
( engine rattling)
( backfires)
( rattling)
( engine stops)
Sounded kind of funny.
That's just the idle.
Nothing a couple of turns
of the screwdriver
can't fix, huh?
Listen, make up
your mind, Ronnie.
Is it a deal?
I don't know, Greg.
What time is it?
I don't know.
It's : , and I
got to show this
to another guy in five minutes.
Now, what'll it be, Ron?
Do you want to
miss the opportunity
of a lifetime, or do
you want the car?
( sighs heavily)
Hello, girls.
JAN: Oh, hi.
Well, it looks like Greg
must've got his car running.
He must have used
artificial respiration.
Hey, girls, do you
know where Greg went?
Well, he was showing
the car to some boy,
and then they
drove off somewhere.
He was trying to get us to say
how great that old wreck was.
He kept winking at
us, you know, like that.
And he even gave
Cindy a candy bar.
Well, I wonder
what that's all about.
Hmm, so do I.
Boys?
Did Greg sell his car?
Yeah, he called
the guy a pigeon.
He said he was going to
really cavit the guy's eruptor.
"Cavit his eruptor"? What...?
I think he means
caveat his emptor.
Caveat emptor?
Now where did they pick that up?
I had a long talk with Greg
about buying and selling,
but I'm afraid he
learned the wrong lesson.
Yeah, I really gave
him a hard sell.
Boy, the chump went
for it hook, line and sinker.
You didn't lie to
him, did you, Greg?
I gilded the lily pretty good.
Greg, is that all you got
out of that talk we had?
Sure. That's what
gave me the idea.
I figure, if I got stuck,
why shouldn't somebody else?
So you found yourself a pigeon.
It was a cinch.
And I had the hundred bucks
in my hot little
hand, and then...
Then you what?
And then, I let the
sucker off the hook.
I just couldn't
go through with it.
You mean you didn't
sell him the car?
Guess I'm a pretty
crummy businessman.
No, no, you're an honest one.
Right.
But where's the car?
Oh, well, I was getting to that.
Driving home, it broke down
between Second
Street and Fifth Street.
That's a pretty big
area. Whereabouts?
All the way.
It just kept falling apart.
( all laughing)
Fifth Street? Isn't that
over near the junkyard?
That's where I sold it.
The junkman gave
me bucks for it.
Listen, look, you lost $ ,
but if you've learned something,
it's worth it.
Especially the way it ended.
Can you imagine
a car falling apart
in front of a junkyard?
Yeah, well, I guess cars
are like elephants, Mom.
They both know where
to go when they die.
Now, come on, girls,
we're going to be late.
In the station wagon.
We're hurrying, Mom.
I forgot the ballet class
was early this morning.
We'll be back in a couple
of hours, Alice. Right.
I forgot one.
Come on, Cindy. Attagirl.
Ah, your breakfast
is on the table.
I hope you wanted eggs.
Anything's great, Alice.
I'm late for my golf game.
Dad, can I use the car, please?
No, I'm sorry, son, I'm
playing golf this morning.
Oh, sh**t, I'm pitching today,
and if they start somebody else,
I'll lose my spot.
Oh, all right, all right.
I'll get your mother
to drive me. Here.
Okay, great. Thanks, Dad.
Listen, be careful, will you?
Eggs okay?
Yeah, they're fine.
Alice, listen, you think
Mrs. Brady's ready to go yet?
I want her to drop me
off at the golf course.
She's more than ready to
go, Mr. Brady... she's gone.
Gone?
Oh, no, there goes my golf game.
Wait a minute.
I have a feeling
that from now on
you're going to be needing this
more than I am.
What's that?
My bus pass.
Bus pass?
Oh, it's a cinch, Mr. Brady.
You take the number
two bus to Oak Street,
then you transfer
to the Crosstown.
Then you take the
to the end of the line.
From there on, it's
express all the way.