02x08 - Pat Gets an Offer to Host “Tic Tac Toe”

[bunniefuu]

- Thank you.
- Whoa. Who are these from?

"Congrats on 'Night Nurse.'

"Think of me for your future projects.

Your fan, Debra Messing."

- Oh, Debra.
- God,

ever since Mom put in
the "Deadline" article,

everybody thinks "Night
Nurse" is still happening.

Which is great.

You get all the credit
for being in a movie

without having to actually film it.

Like Angelina Jolie and all
those "Maleficent" movies.

Yeah, there's no way
those were real, right?

No. They are % just posters.

But I wanted to actually film it.

I know. It's still cool.

I mean, you have been dying
to be known as an actor,

and now you technically are.

Yeah, I mean, I have been
getting a lot of messages

from gay celebrities.

Wait. Who?

Ben Platt and Adam Rippon both
DM'ed me and said congrats.

- And Antoni sent me a bunch of hearts.
- How many?

I dunno, like, enough to make 'em small?

Oh, my God. Cary, you're in.

- What?
- You are a Respected Gay now.

That is the most powerful
thing a person can be.

Famous gays want to know
you. They want to f*ck you.

Take your pick, baby. I'd choose Antoni.

I mean, imagine having sex with him.

Huh.

- I can't get my brain to do it.
- Holy sh*t.

I just got a DM from Dean Brennon.

- Wait, the actor?
- Yeah.

And he just asked me out.

Ugh, Dean Brennon is gay? That sucks.

Yeah. I mean, he doesn't really
comment on his sexuality,

but he is playing George Michael

in that new George
Michael biopic "George."

He is so hot. You have
to message him back.

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

- I'm gonna f*ck Dean Brennon.
- [SQUEALS SOFTLY]

Or if I'm being honest, Dean
Brennon is gonna f*ck me.

- Yeah, he's probably gonna f*ck you.
- Mm-hmm.

Chase. Are you so excited for today?

Yeah. It's nice to be back in
the recording studio again.

It's been so long.

And it doesn't get bigger than "Bambi."

- Wait, what?
- Yeah. You're playing Thumper

in Disney's new live-action "Bambi."

It's gonna be exactly
the same as the original,

only cost more and look worse.

But you said I was collaborating

on a project with Drake and Cardi B.

You are. Drake's playing Bambi,

and Cardi B's playing Bambi's mom.

- But we're not actors.
- Yeah.

They don't let actors do voice
acting for movies anymore.

It's only singers and athletes.
So it's you, Drake,

Cardi B, Shawn Mendes is Mr. Mole,

and Damian Davis from the
"Golden State Warriors" is Flower.

All right, let's get in there.
Let's make some vocal magic.

Damian? My friend Lance is a huge fan

and wanted me to say hi,

and that you almost
have the same birthday.

His is January th and
yours is February th.

Oh, wow, twins.

- [SQUEALS SOFTLY]
- Okay, let's go for one.

"Bambi" scene . Thumper
and Flower, take one.

What's wrong with your legs, Flower?

Why can't they jump?

'Cause I'm not a rabbit like you,

I'm just a little skunk.

Great. Let's go again.

Oh, hey, Mom got an offer to host

a prime time game show for NBC.
They're doing "Tic Tac Toe" now.

- What do you think?
- Oh, another thing?

- And at night?
- Yeah. I was gonna pass

- 'cause it seems like a cash grab.
- Yeah, I think that's cool.

That's probably cool.

Okay, I still have some time with her.

No, silly Bambi. Those are called birds.

Say it with me. B-b-b-birds.

This sucks.

Yeah, sorry, man. I'm trying my best.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh. It's official.

Our own Cary Donald Dubek

is now on a date with Dean Brennon.

- What? He is?
- Yeah.

He's going to literally,
like, f*ck a celebrity.

God, I wanna f*ck a celebrity.

What's wrong with your legs, Flower?

Okay, Damian.

Sorry, I... I just gotta
say, you are so hot.

[LAUGHTER]

You're pretty hot yourself.

Oh, my God.

[CHUCKLES]

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just wanna make sure
people can see it's me in these.

[SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Sorry 'bout these guys.
They're obsessed with me.

Dean, you two together? You having sex?

Guys, I don't comment on my sexuality.

[CHUCKLES] That's so modern.

But can I tell them we're on a date?

Just 'cause otherwise it might
look like you're babysitting me.

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry. I like to keep my
personal life personal.

Totally. Totally. Yeah.

Do you wanna move inside or... ?

No. That's okay.

- All right.
- Man, your hair is amazing.

What kind of product do you use?

Oh, my God. Now you are touching me.

Whoa, looks like somebody has a comment.

Cary, let's talk about that big boner

- you have under the table.
- All right, well,

I... I also like to keep my
personal life personal, guys.

So...

- No, you get it.
- [LAUGHING] Yeah.

So, I mean, your friend loves me.
But what about you?

Uh... Well, I didn't before,

but now that you're
sitting in front of me,

there's just so much to work with.

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, I'm just here for the night,

but would you wanna
come over for a drink?

- I have an apartment here.
- Oh.

Yeah. That'd be great.

- Cool.
- Hey, Damian.

- We're ready for you.
- All right.

- They're ready for me.
- Okay. Good luck, Flower.

[PHONE LINE TRILLING]

Hey, B.

Lance, Damian Davis just invited me

- to his place for a drink.
- What?

My Damian Davis?

Hey, Leah's here right now.

- Mind if I put her on speaker?
- Oh, absolutely.

This is actually the perfect
introduction to me.

Hi, Leah. Nice to meet you.

Hey, Brooke. You too. Wait,
which one's Damian Davis?

The one with the beard you like.

Oh, my God, Brooke, he is so hot.

- And seems kind of funny?
- Leah, he's hilarious.

Okay, you have to keep us posted.

- Yeah, tell us everything.
- Um, dur.

[SQUEALS SOFTLY]

All right, let's go again from the top.

Hey, how much longer is this gonna take?

Um, as long as it takes, bud.

Guess who's going to Damian
Davis's for a drink later?

Looks like Cary isn't the only one
who's gonna f*ck a celebrity.

Yeah, I gotta say,
I love that shirt on you.

- Oh, thanks.
- Do you mind if I...

Touch my neck in front
of a thousand cameras?

Absolutely not.

Oh.

Mossimo.

[CHUCKLES]

So I don't wanna leave
this for even one second,

but I... I have to go to the bathroom.

Don't worry, I won't go anywhere.

All right.

[SIGHS]

Cary Dubek, I have important
information you need to know.

What?

Dean Brennon's not who he says.

You're being gay-baited.

Excuse me? Who are you?

[SOFT, SQUEAKY FART]

I cannot tell you who I am.

Why not?

Because I farted and I'm embarrassed.

It's Shuli.

- Shuli?
- Shh! Keep your voice down.

I shouldn't even be here.

It's breaking The Publicist Code.

But when I saw the
paparazzi pics online,

I felt like I needed to tell you.

Dean Brennon is straight.

- Like, super straight.
- What? No, he's not.

He's playing George

in the new George Michael
biopic, "George."

Cary, you should know better than anyone

that only straight
people play gay roles.

But to get more press while
he promotes his movie,

he's trying to make it seem like
maybe, just maybe he's gay

so people will talk about him more.

- It's PR .
- No, no,

he literally won't stop touching me.

On the lips? Or is he
just touching your hair,

checking your shirt tag for the cameras?

Look, you're the new,
hot gay on the scene.

He wants to ride your gay
without ever riding your ass.

Want proof? Go to this address.

Now, I gotta go.

To the bathroom!

- Get the hell out of here.
- Okay.

Hey.

Uh... Would you maybe wanna
go back to my place now?

Oh, really?

Wow, yeah. Yes, that is
exactly what I wanna do.

- Great, let's go.
- Yeah.

God, Shuli is such an idiot.

- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- Mm,

this wine is so good. What is it?

Okay, but you can't make fun of me

'cause I'm kind of a wine freak.

It's a Domaine Laroche Chablis.

Ooh, it's fancy.

Um, where's your bathroom?
I just need to go real quick.

- Okay, it's going really well.
- Leah.

We're having a Donny Lachey Chablis.

Ooh, I gotta order me some of that.

- Does he look hot drinking it?
- Oh, my God, girl, so hot.

Okay, I gotta get back out there.

I'll call if anything else happens.

[DOOR SHUTS]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry about that.

Where were we?

I think we were maybe at here.

I have to go to the bathroom again.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

So here we are.

- What do you think?
- It's great.

Would you maybe wanna
show me the bedroom?

Of course.

Or wait, I forgot about my dog, Boomer.

We should probably take him out first.

Hey! [CLAPS]

What's that?

Dean Brennon!

Walking his dog with Night Nurse!

Are you two more than friends?

Guys, I don't comment on my sexuality.

Jeez, how do they always find me?

Let's just go back to your place.

Okay, yes. Please.

So here we are.

And right back here is the bedroom.

Cool. But wait, Cary,
your trash is full.

Let me take it out for you first.

Sorry, take out my...

Dean Brennon! Taking
out Night Nurse's trash!

- You two official? You moving in together?
- You found me again?

Guys, I wanna keep my
personal life personal.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- Jesus, I'm so sorry about that.
- It's okay.

It's just getting late,

and I'd really like to
head to the bedroom.

Yes, of course.

- I'll let you get some sleep.
- No, no, no, that's not...

But I'll be back at dawn
with two coffees.

Maybe we can walk up
and down Fifth Avenue

and drink them together?

Night.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Sorry. Small bladder.

Okay, things are escalating quickly.

- He just took off my shirt.
- BOTH: Oh, my God!

- Okay, now I took off his shirt.
- Ooh!

Is everything all right?

Okay, now we're both naked.

- I think we're gonna have sex?
- What?

Okay, we're having sex!

[SCREAMING]

- [BOTTLE SHATTERS]
- [GIGGLES]

[SIREN WAILING]

[PHONE BUZZING]

- Oh, hey, Dean.
- Cary. Where are you?

- I have our coffees.
- I had to go into work early.

Oh, bummer.

Well, I was wondering
if you wanted to come

to the Equality Gala with me tonight?

Oh, um...

I won't take no for an answer.

Come over later, we
can get ready together.

[LINE CLICKS]

[BABY CRYING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING]

- What do you want?
- Uh...

My name's Cary. Um, I need your help.

This is a private residence. Go away.

It's about Dean Brennon!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[LOCKS RATTLING]

Sorry, I... I heard you might have proof

Dean Brennon is straight.

I'm the proof.

We used to date.

Oh, my God. You're Jordana Brewster?

Please keep your voice down.

Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. I just...

I just watched every "Fast
and the Furious" movie

with my old roommate.

Aw, that's so cool. Thank you.
But, you know, it's so weird.

Everyone sees me as this,
like, badass action chick

when really I'm just this total nerd

- who majored in theater studies.
- Oh, cool.

Yeah, I went to this
college in New Haven.

Doesn't really matter which college,
but it was in New Haven.

I'm sorry, Ms. Brewster, can we focus?

I'm being gay-baited.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Yeah.

So Dean and I dated
for two weeks in .

We met sh**ting a
"Scooby-Doo-Flintstones"

live action crossover film
called "Scooby-Doo :

- Yabba Dabba Dooby."
- [THUNDER RUMBLES]

But when I Google Dean
Brennon Jordana Brewster,

nothing comes up.

That's because he had me scrubbed.

Getty Images, his Wiki, there's
no trace of me anywhere.

Luckily, I managed to keep this.

♪ ♪

What?

♪ ♪

This is us... at the "
Teen Choice Awards."

Oh, my God. He is straight.

He's wearing cargo shorts.

Actually, you're both
wearing cargo shorts.

Those were really good times.

But even then, Dean wanted more.

When we got home from the ceremony,

he punched a hole in the wall.

Because he lost?

Because he won.

Dean didn't want a Teen Choice
Award. He wanted an Oscar.

And he said that he would
stop at nothing to get it.

I... I have to go.

Dean will be expecting me.
We're going to the Equality Gala.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

And please know that
I can do highbrow too.

I did "Godot" in college.

You know, I'll just tell you which
college it was. It was actually...

Yale. Yes, I know.
Jordana, I... I have to go.

[LAUGHS]

- I had a great time last night.
- Oh, yeah? So did I.

This is embarrassing, but
my lawyers make me do this.

Would you be okay signing an NDA?

Oh, of course.

- I mean, obviously, I trust you.
- It's no problem at all.

- Your privacy is key.
- Thanks.

It's just my fans always
wanna know every detail

about my personal life, you know?

Totally. Yeah.

Discretion is my middle name.

Okay, you guys can't tell anyone

that I f*cked Damian Davis
because I just signed an NDA.

- Whoa. Okay, you got it, B.
- Yeah, Brooke,

I promise I won't tell anyone either.

Perfect. Well, then I'm not worried,

'cause you two are
the only people I told.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Dean?

[OLDIES MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

♪ ♪

- Dean?
- Hey! Just in the shower.

Come on in. I'll be out in a sec.

Ow. Daddy, no!

- Ow! It hurts!
- So how was your day?

♪ ♪

I met someone who knows you.

Jordana Brewster?

Oh, yeah, from "Fast and the Furious"?

What's she like? I never met her.

Oh, really?

'Cause she told me she was your date

to the " Teen Choice Awards."

Huh. [CHUCKLES]

- That's weird.
- Cut the crap, Dean.

I know what's going on.
You've been gay-baiting me.

- Okay, now you're being crazy.
- I'm not being crazy.

You're crazy. You used me, Dean.

You made me think this was real.
I thought we were gonna have sex.

Like, I thought I was
gonna get to see your d*ck

and your balls and your butt.

But I haven't gotten to see anything.

- I haven't even seen one cheek.
- Cary, you're being hysterical.

And frankly, you're not pretty
when you're like this.

Was I ever pretty to you?

I don't comment on my sexuality.

Oh, my God. Tell the truth.

You're never gonna ride
my ass hard, are you?

No.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

- I have to get out of here.
- Don't go. Please.

I can explain.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Brooke, have a nice night?

Nothing special.

- Hey, Brooke, how was your evening?
- Quiet. Read a book.

- Brooke, what'd you do last night?
- Shut up, bitch!

Oh.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Jesus!

Mom, what are you doing?

- Mom!
- Oh, hi, honey.

Sorry about that. I trained
myself to sleep standing up

so I can take -second catnaps

while people don't need me
without messing up my hair.

That's what Ryan Seacrest does, so.

Okay. Well, I'll just
let you get back to it.

Oh, what did you guys decide
about "Tic Tac Toe?"

Oh, I think we're just gonna pass.

Okay, yeah, I don't have to do that.

We should probably let
someone else host that.

But then again, if you think
it's a good idea, Brookie,

- I'm more than happy to do it.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

Okay. Uh, sorry, Mom.

- Hello, Brooke Dubek.
- Ms. Dubek, my name is Philip Price.

I represent Damian Davis.

We have reason to believe
you broke your NDA

and we intend to take
legal action against you.

Wait, what?

You don't understand, Cary.
I'm not a bad guy.

My life is just so much better now

that people think I might
maybe kinda be gay.

I used to be nothing.

A nobody. But now...
now, I'm a somebody.

Last year, I was ever only on
the cover of "Men's Health."

It was just me John Krasinski
switching off months.

But this month alone,
I'm on "Men's Health"

and "GQ" and "Attitude."

Do you know how that feels?

- Actually, no.
- I mean, people ship me, Cary.

They ship me.

On Twitter, Instagram, everyone
is obsessed because I'm a mystery.

I'm an enigma. I am
the coolest man alive.

You're a psychopath.

And I've already dated one straight
guy. I'm not doing it again.

♪ ♪

I'm not going back, Cary.

I'm not going back to
% straight for sure.

I mean, there's Oscar buzz
for me for "George."

I'm in talks to play the
first gay superhero.

You know how huge that would be for me?

And for you guys.

So here's what we're gonna do.

You are going to come to this
Equality Gala with me tonight,

and you are gonna stand
by my side and smile.

And if anybody asks,

we do not... comment...
on our sexuality.

- [GASPS]
- [THUNDER RUMBLES]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Oh. Hey, B.

Don't "Hey, B" me, you little snake.

- Whoa. What?
- Oh, sure. Yeah, play dumb,

but I know for a fact

that you told people that
I f*cked Damian Davis.

Wait. No, I didn't. I would
never do you dirty like that.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you
didn't tell, who did?

- Oh, Brooke, hey.
- Enough of your sh*t,

you rat-faced bitch.

I knew it was you all along.

- What? I didn't say a word.
- Yeah. B, neither of us told.

We haven't even left
the apartment today.

- Yeah.
- Well, then what the hell?

Like, literally how did
this get out, then?

I f*cked Damian Davis.

- [WORDS ECHOING]
- Oh, my God. I'm so dumb.

I also told Streeter.

Oh, wow. It's cool to see so many people

coming to this Equality Gala tonight.

The "Pose" people,

that little lesbian tennis
player, Dean Brennon.

Then tomorrow, I thought
we'd head to JFK.

Not to fly anywhere, just to
drag empty suitcases around

- while the paparazzi take pictures.
- [PLACID CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes, Dean.

Whatever you say, Dean.

Okay, we're here.

Smile.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- It's Dean Brennon!
- Over here, Dean!

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]

Dean, can you finally confirm
what's going on with you two?

I don't comment on my sexuality.

[WORDS ECHOING] I keep
my personal life personal.

I'll just say Cary has become
a huge part of my life.

I don't comment... I don't comment...

I don't comment on my sexuality.

I don't comment on my sexuality.

Sorry, I just need to go, uh,
touch up my eye jewels.

- Dean!
- Over here!

Hi, Streeter, it's Brooke. Just calling
'cause apparently it got out

that I f*cked Damian Davis,

and I know for a fact it was you.

So hold on to your ass,

'cause I'm on my way
to tear it a new hole!

Go faster!

Streeter!

Oh. Hey, Brooke. I was just
listening to your voicemail.

'Cause I'm on my way
to tear it a new hole!

No... no, I didn't tell
anybody, I swear!

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Please don't hurt my ass!

- Hello, Brooke Dubek.
- Ms. Dubek, Philip Price.

You broke your NDA again.

- What? No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

We'd like you to come
into our offices tomorrow

and discuss the financial implications.

[LINE CLICKS]

What is going on?

- I mean, if you didn't say anything...
- I didn't.

... and Lance and Leah haven't
left their apartment all day.

How is this happening?

I f*cked Damian Davis.

Go faster!

Oh, my God.

It's so obvious.

Lance, your apartment is bugged.

Yeah! That's how they found out
Brooke f*cked Damian Davis!

- What?
- I know it sounds insane,

but there is literally
no other explanation.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[SIGHS] f*ck.

Hey, everything okay?

My name's James. I'm on the
board of the Equality Foundation.

Oh, thank God. Um, yes,

there's actually something
I need to tell you.

Dean Brennon isn't who he says he is.

- What?
- Yeah, he's... he's % straight.

He's been gay-baiting me.

Oh, my God. Hold on.

Now listen up, you little f*gg*t.

Of course Dean's straight!

But you're not gonna say a word

because we need him at events like this.

You think Gus Kenworthy
is coming to this sh*t

if it's just Billie Jean King?

No. Plus, if he leaves,
who do we flirt with?

Um, all the other gay people?

Ew.

Listen, we're not idiots.

Everyone here knows Dean is straight.

We just like to believe he's gay.

It gives us hope.

It makes us think that
anything is possible,

that anyone at any time could be gay.

Don't you wanna live
in a world like that?

No.

No, this is f*cked, okay?

You can all do what you want,

but I'm not gonna be a part of it.

Suit yourself. I'll let
Dean know you left.

Hmm, that's actually a good in.

Oh, Deanie!

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [DOOR SHUTS]

Ugh.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Hey, guys. I brought wine.

[WHISPERING] I didn't.
Get in the bathroom.

What?

[SHOWER WATER PATTERING]

Okay, no one talk louder
than the sound of the water.

Yeah, otherwise the bugs will hear.

Come on, B, really? You think
there's bugs in this apartment?

I don't know. All I know is
that I didn't tell anyone else

that I f*cked Damian Davis.

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- What?

Hello, Brooke Dubek.

Ms. Dubek, Philip Price.

We know you broke your
NDA for a third time

- and it's time for you...
- Yes, Philip, I know the rest.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

How is this happening again?

Brooke f*cked Damian Davis!

- Oh, my God, Brooke.
- What? What is it?

There are no bugs in the wall.

One of us here is wearing a wire.

- BOTH: We're not wearing wires.
- Yes.

It's the only logical explanation.

BOTH: No, it's not. There's no wires.

Then there's only one way
to find out who it is.

Okay, so it was no one.
No one's wearing a wire.

Yeah, that was a bad pitch.
Who pitched that, Leah?

I don't get it. Like, I am a smart girl.

What am I missing?

I mean, I was alone every single time

I called you guys from those Lyfts.

Wait, girl. You called us from Lyfts?

- Uh-huh.
- Brooke.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Come on.
- Give me my shirt.

- Here.
- What?

- Thank you.
- Yeah, come on, Brooke.

- 'Cause I also...
- What?

... now see what they see.

Guys? Really, seriously, I don't get it.

Also, it was nice to meet you Leah.

Bangin' bod, girl.

♪ Ring around the rosy ♪

♪ Pocket full of posies ♪

♪ Ashes, ashes ♪

♪ We all fall down ♪

You look well.

Here's your harness back.

Thanks.

Not that I'll be needing it.

I didn't get that gay superhero movie.

That's what you get, Dean.
You shouldn't gay-bait people.

You know the most annoying
part of all of this?

I got messages from so many other guys.

I could have had sex with any of them.

But I chose you.

And why do you think that was?

What?

Because you were the hottest.

Or was it because I was the straightest?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

No. No. I didn't... I didn't
know you were straight.

- I thought you were gay.
- I don't think that's true.

I think deep down, you
knew that I was straight

and that's why you chose me.

So you can act all high and mighty,

but I think you knew exactly
what you were doing.

♪ ♪

Goodbye, Cary.

♪ ♪

You guys can't tell anyone
I f*cked Damian Davis.

Apparently, it got out
that I f*cked Damian Davis.

Brooke f*cked Damian Davis!

So as you can see,

these are videos from three
separate Lyft drivers.

Who, of course, are little
human beings up there.

Yes.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- And if I had to guess, it's that energy

- that made them send us the tapes.
- I can see that.

So how much do I owe?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

How am I supposed to
get you all this money?

Hello, and welcome to "Pat Tac Toe."

- I'm your host, Tic Dubek.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

She's just warming up.
She'll get better.

No worries. We'll just bring her
in ADR that line this weekend.

Okay, perfect.

[DELIBES' "LAKMÉ"]

♪ ♪