03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

(NOTE RESONATES)

(NOTE CONTINUES)

(SINGS ENTHUSIASTICALLY
IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Hello?!

Can anyone hear me?!

Help!

Oh, thank God!

Are you OK?

What's happening?

Our plane crashed.
Where am I?

I have no idea
where the hell we are.

Oh, my God. Are there any others?

I can't find anyone.

Not even the pilots?
No-one.

Oh, my God! What are we going to do?

I don't know!

Stop yelling at me!
OK!

(NOISE IN DISTANCE)

Hello!

Oh!
Oh, thank God!

I can't believe it!

I'm so glad I found some others!
I thought I was a goner!

I'm so glad
we have an Aboriginal with us!

What the f*ck?

I feel so relieved.
What are you talking about?

Well... you are Aboriginal, yeah?

No, I'm...
I'm Torres Strait Islander.

Potayto, potahto, tomayto, tomahto.

The point is, you have more survival
skills than us. Right?

But, like...
I mean, out of all three of us,

you're the one with the most
connection to the land.

Yeah, well, I...
Anyway, I'm Ryan.

And I'm Sarah. What's your name?

Mark.

Mark! Wow!

You don't meet
many Aboriginal people called Mark.

Torres Strait Islander.

Yeah, that's great. I usually can't
pronounce Aboriginals' names, so...

Hey, Mark, um, Sarah and I were
going to go search for some food,

maybe go fishing,
pick some berries, whatever.

If you could collect some wood,
that'd be great.

What for?

To build a fire.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't...

Thanks, mate! (LAUGHS)

OK.
OK.

How do you make a fire?

f*ck.

(POP MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)

(BELL DINGS)

(GASPS)

Good morning, my big girl!

Oooh!

Come and sit down. Sit down. Let me
have a look at them putrid eyebrows.

Oh. Your eyebrows
are hurting me internally.

Thin is not in, bubba!

I don't care if you paid
Sissy up the road to get 'em done,

don't mean they right.

Tarantula legs belong on tarantulas,
not on your forehead.

We need to whipper-snipper
these bastards off.

And don't use eyeliner
on your eyebrows.

I don't care if Aunty Sue does it -

Aunty Sue too broke
to get her eyebrows done.

And for frig's sake, don't let them
get hairy, hairy, hairy.

You may as well go
and friggin' live in the bush,

'cause that's what your eyebrows
resemble - the bush.

And after we do your eyebrows,
we're going to wax that lip too.

Yeah, I thought you was my nephew
walking in here

with lip hair like that.

Alright, lay back, then...

..and let Aunty Mary
make everything better.

We've been called to a Triple D.

De facto Domestic Dispute.

You see, Blakforce isn't just
slapping the black off our people.

(BLEEP) me! Will you look at this?

Get out of the way, Darren.

Alright, you take the wife.
I always take the wife, sarge.

Don't question me.
Take the wife. (BLEEP) you.

♪ Blakforce
Blak-Blakforce

♪ Ooh, oh, oh

♪ Blakforce
Blak-Blakforce. ♪

There - look, Blakforce is here now.

MAN: Blakforce?

What's wrong with you?
That's our kids' computer.

We don't have any kids!

And I wonder why. You're puttin'
'em all over the keyboard!

I wiped them off.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, settle down.

Let go of me!

What happened?
N-nothing.

No, nothing didn't happen.
What's all this about?

I don't know. She just
chucked it out on the grass.

I don't know what's going on.

Tell me what's upset you.

Why don't you go and ask
the one-armed man over there?

Applying for jobs, eh?!

The only job you'd be good for
is feeding the chickens!

Sis! Come on, knock it off.
We've got a school over there.

You're supposed to
delete your history.

I fell asleep.
Bruz! Really?

Blacks on Blondes, eh?!

It's gonna be Blacks IN Blacks
where you're going!

Blacks on Blondes?! Come here!

That's a Code !

That's a Code !
Code , Sarge!

Stop shaking. Stop shaking!

Stop shaking. Be safe and be silent.

There's this pamphlet here.

There's a number on there
for the de facto counsellor.

Use it, alright?

Hold him. Hold him there, sarge.
I've got him.

I'll wait for you!

You right, sarge?
Yeah. Let's go.

You right, sis?

Thanks for this.

♪ Blakforce
Blak-Blakforce

♪ Ooh, oh, oh

♪ Blakforce
Blak-Blakforce. ♪

(WOMEN CHAT INDISTINCTLY)

Who is this?

Oh. Hi, Jane.

Who is this?

That?
That is...

For God's sake, Megan.

Jane, it's Emily.

She's a new friend of ours.

Well, it says this was taken
in the club last night.

"So much fun. Emily is too deadly."

You all told me
you weren't going out last night.

Look, Jane...

What race is she?

You can't ask that, Jane.

What race is she?

That is so inappropriate.

What race is she?!

She's white!

But I'm your white friend.

We can have more than one
white friend, Jane.

No, you can't.

Why not?

It's the rule!

It's not the rule.
Yeah, it is.

What?

She's right.

Every group of black friends

has to have and is limited to
one white friend.

So, look, Jane, it's been a really
nice time we've had together...

You're breaking up with me?

You're not white enough, Jane.

What?

You spend too much time with us

and, well, you've started to become
kind of black.

You say 'deadly' and 'budoo'
all the time.

You hit on my cousin Trevor.

Trevor's hot.

And your ankles - I have no idea how
but they just seem smaller.

You cooked us steak the other night,
and you did them well done.

Like, beyond well done.

You also ordered a Jim Beam and Coke

when were at the Clock
the other night.

You guys introduced me
to all of those things!

Yeah, but you're not meant
to like them, Jane.

You're meant to just tolerate them.

Well, I just did that
because I liked you guys.

That's really nice,
but it's not what we're looking for.

Oh... Please. I... I can change.

I could make it go back to the way
that it was when we first met.

Please?

Jane... you're humiliating yourself.

OK. You know what?

This is discrimination!

Mm-hm.
And this should not be allowed!

You are nothing
but a bunch of little racists!

A bunch of little
r*cist little girls!

There you go, Jane,
being black again.

So, what - you're just replacing me?

Not quite.
We put an ad out on Craigslist.

Auditioning people.

We have a : pm with Alexia.

BOTH: Love that name.

And she has never, ever
met a black person before.

Maybe you can find yourself
a nice little group of Asians

or anyone else
that needs a white friend.

You're just too black for us.

Awks.

Totes.

(ROCK MUSIC)

♪ Some people belong in the water

♪ Some people belong on the land

♪ You get out there and save them

♪ And I'll just wait here
on the sand

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

(SEAGULLS SQUAWK)

MAN: Help!

Help!

Oh, oh, oh! sh*t!
sh*t, that's f*cking cold, man.

No way. I'm not going in there.
f*ck that.

Help!

Swim, f*ck ya!

That's it -
arm over arm, old fella. That's it.

Ah, not like that.
Like this, f*ck ya.

Oh, what's going on with this fella?

Come on, keep walking. Hurry up.

Get in here.

Wake up to yourself.

What are you doin'?

Ya bloody idiot!

I didn't put them flags up
because they match my outfit.

Now, get your drowning hole up
and get in between the flags.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, guys! I'm glad you're here.

Look... I have no idea
how to start a fire.

Oh, don't worry about that, mate.

We're actually wondering how that
didgeridoo is coming along.

Didgeridoo?

I can't even make a fire.

How am I supposed to make
a didgeridoo?

It can't be that hard.

Just find a log, cut a hole in it,
and give it a blow.

What am I supposed to
cut a hole with?

Sharpen a rock, mate. Come on,
I can't do all the thinking!

Also we found a group of wild pigs
running around

and we were just wondering
if they were sacred animals.

Wild pigs?
Mm.

You're asking me
if wild pigs are sacred?

Yes.

No.

Wild pigs are not sacred.

Awesome!
Ah!

If you wouldn't mind
whipping us up some spears...

After the didgeridoo.

..we can go grab some tucker
for dinner.

Thanks, Mark!

Aboriginal Artwork Warehouse!

Aboriginal Artwork Warehouse!

BOTH: Aboriginal Artwork Warehouse!

Hey, you mob!

I'm Bully.
And I'm Boonga.

And we're identical twins.

Now, we've been ripping off
the tax man for years,

but now we gotta pay
the bastard back.

And we're passing the savings...
BOTH: On to you!

Paintings!

% off!

Statues!

% off!

Boomerangs! % off!

I've lost my f*ckin' mind!
Holy sh*t!

We'll see what this customer thinks.
Hey, lady!

What do you think of these prices?

(GIRLISHLY) I love these prices.

I love the Boomerang Brothers.

Ohh!
(GIGGLES) Oh, stop it.

So come on down to
the Aboriginal Artwork Warehouse!

Right beside the KFC

and my aunty Carol's place.

And hurry your arses up,

because these prices
won't last forever!

BOTH: So come on down!

Hey.

Yeah?

Aren't you supposed to
be at your boyfriend's funeral?

That whitefella, eh?

Yeah. Nah - his family asked me
to stay away.

Was that a "black" thing?

Nah. It's a "his wife" thing.

Oh.

(INDISTINCT COMMUNICATION
OVER RADIO)

Yeah, roger that.

You wanna turn it now?

Nah, let 'em wait.

(MACHINE BEEPS STEADILY)

Hey. How's she doing?

She's good.
Just having a quick little nap.

OK.

There's the people here
from the Ultimate Dream Foundation,

but she's sleeping, so...

Oh, no, no, no.
She's been sleeping for a while.

She'll be really excited.

OK.

Sweetheart.

(GENTLY) Hey.
Got a surprise for you.

What is it, Mum?

Hey, Josie.
We've got Marly and Louie here

from the Ultimate Dream Foundation.

They're here to grant you a wish.

Hi, Josie. Gee,
it's great to finally meet you.

I'm Marly.

And I'm Louie.
What's up, little lady?

Nothing much.

So, Josie, what's your wish?

Anything you want.

Anything?

That's right, Josie.

Just say the word.

I want my land back.

Uh... Sorry, what was that?

You heard me, Louie.
I want my people's land back.

(CHUCKLES) Are you sure
that's your wish, Josie?

I've got Adam Goodes in the hallway,
waiting to say hello to you.

Do you want to meet him?

No.
I don't want to meet Adam Goodes.

I want my country back.

We'll be right back.

OK.

What the hell are we going to do?
I don't know! Goddammit!

I told you this day
was going to come.

Well, why don't you say no?

You don't get it, do you?

The Ultimate Dream Foundation
never leaves a dream unfulfilled.

Hey, guys. You ready for me?
Time to go in?

Goodesy, just shut your mouth, OK?
We've got bigger fish to fry!

Alright, I understand.

God. What are we going to do?

Well, we either give the
Aboriginal people their land back...

..or we cure cancer.

Hey, Josie. What's up, sweetheart?

Are you here
to give me my land back?

Nope. No need.

Why? It's my wish.

Because guess what.

We cured cancer!

Screw you.

Get out.

Now.

Good morning, everybody, and welcome.

We are the Wigglymuyu dancers
from the Wachadoon Wachadoon tribe

and we bin come
all the way from Nanna's house.

Now, this first dance
we gonna do for you mob

is a beautiful, unique dance

about how us Wigglymuyu mob
bin communicate.

Alright, now let's start it.

♪ Eela, eela, eela, yoooo!

♪ Ahh! Ayy!

♪ Facebook, Instagram,
Snapchat, Tinder

♪ Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,
Tinder

♪ Facebook, Instagram,
Snapchat, Tinder, brrrr!

♪ Ain't no reception,
no reception, ahh

♪ No reception, no reception, ahh

♪ No reception,
no reception, ahh

♪ Brrrp! Got it! Uh!

♪ Facebook, Instagram,
Snapchat, Tinder

♪ Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,
Tinder

♪ Facebook, Instagram,
Snapchat, Tinder, brrrr!

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

♪ Rrrrr! Cha-doo-doo, hey! ♪

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Go on - you can take a photo
if you want.

Take a photo of my loveliness here.
Mm-mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Thank you, thank you.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(KNOCKS)

Thank God you're here.

Who are you?

Sylvia Chase.

She's the fixer.

The fixer?

Anyone who does a r*cist act,
I can fix it.

I can make it go away.

Give her the phone.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Save it for the cameras.

This could ruin his career.
Football has no room for racists.

Who knows about this?

Everyone who was at
the footy club party.

It's been leaked to the press.

We need to act fast.

Take control of the story.

Change the narrative.

Nothing is r*cist until it's r*cist.

I... I was just honouring
black people?

Black people don't need your honour -
they need you not be a r*cist.

I didn't know it was offensive?

Did you know you're a dickhead?

Are you Dutch, by any chance?

No, he's not.

You are now. Zwarte Piet.

Ever heard of him?

No.

What about Black Pete?

Who does he play for?
Shut up, white fool.

Zwarte Piet,
also known as Black Pete,

is the singing, candy-giving
companion of Sinterklaas.

They visit the children
of the Netherlands every Christmas.

Each year, the Dutch perform
Black Pete, blackface and all.

This is it.
You are being culturally persecuted.

You weren't performing blackface
at the footy club Christmas party.

You were celebrating
your Dutch heritage

by performing
the cultural practice of Black Pete.

(CHUCKLES)
Will that work?

Of course it will.

Mention culture and white people
stay the hell away from it.

Anyone questions you,
then they're the r*cist.

Thank you so much.

You're brilliant.

And you're an idiot.

I don't ever want to see you again.

Unless you k*ll a prost*tute -
in which case, give me a call.

We've got a few interviews
to get through today.

Can everyone just be normal, please?

We really need to fill this room

or we're all gonna have to chip in
for next month's rent.

Well, it would have been fine

if SOMEONE didn't
scare off a potential housemate.

What?

OK. So, first off we have Darren.
, non-smoker.

Darren, tell us about you.

I mostly just like to
keep to myself.

I don't mind the semi-regular house
things, like dinner or whatever.

Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Um, every Sunday
I host a Scientology study group,

so I'd just need a spot
in the lounge

to put up my L. Ron Hubbard shrine.

Hi. My name's Kelly.

I'm just studying.

I'm pretty boring. (GIGGLES)

Oh, Kelly,
I bet you're not that boring.

Well, sometimes
when I'm a horny little slut,

Daddy comes over and punishes me.

(GIGGLES)

Dean, , smoker.

Can I smoke in the house?

Nathaniel, , seems normal.

Could be the one, guys.

I'm a... I'm a lawyer.

Weirdly, as it turns out,
I've actually been here before.

Haven't I, Nicole?

Get the f*ck out.

Now we have the beautiful Bianca.

My name's Bianca.

I sell crystal dildos and kombucha.

I am a big fan of your people.

What does that even mean?

And why do you have dreads?

It's appropriation.
It looks f*cking stupid.

You're carrying a lot of tension,
babe. Are you a Leo?

She is!

Is there anything you want to know?

Where's Kelly?!

f*ck it. You'll do.

So, Mark, do we need to do
a welcome to country before we eat?

No. No.

Are you sure?

Whatever, Sarah.
Whatever you want to do, Sarah.

Go for it.

Um...

We acknowledge the traditional
owners of this land

that we have crash-landed on.

Thank you for keeping
the evil spirits away.

Thank you for providing us with food
from your beautiful, beautiful land.

And thank you for blessing us
with Mark, our elder,

who has used his immense knowledge
and wisdom

to ensure our safety and comfort
on his land.

Amen.

Amen.

That was beautiful, Sarah.

Thanks.

Yeah, that was good.
How's that pig going?

Just a little bit longer, Mark.

Hey, Mark, while we wait, could you
tell us some Dreamtime stories?

Nah. No, I'd rather not.

Oh, come on, Mark!

Yeah! Come on, mate!

Nuh. I... I'm sick of this.

You know, we've been here one day,

and even on this deserted island,
I've been subject to racism.

Just because I'm an Aboriginal...
I mean, Torres Strait Island man,

you think that I know how to survive
on this g*dd*mn island.

I'm an accountant.

I don't know how to make spears,

I don't know
how to play the didgeridoo,

but you guys think just because
I'm an Aboriginal... Sorry.

..I'm Torres Strait Island man,
you think I'm going to save you!

Ha-ha, news flash -

we're probably gonna f*cking die
on this island, man!

And you think I can do a dance to
summon up the spirits to save us?!

Hey!

Spirits, save us!
Spirits, save us! Take us home!

Take us home! We love you, spirits!
We love you, spirits!

Take us home! Take us home!

Ha!

You see?

Nothing.

So we may as well just wait
and die in peace.

(PLANE ENGINE BUZZES IN DISTANCE)

Oh! (LAUGHS)
Hey!

Hey! Over here!
Hey! Here!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHS)

Get f*cked.

(KISSES)

(LAUGHS)
Hey!

Hey, Goodesy,
you still here, brother?

Yeah, brother. You off?

I'm off.

Night, brother.
Night.

See you tomorrow, eh?
Yeah.

Just me and you, eh?

Hopefully we get that lamb
back tomorrow, eh?