03x04 - Episode 4

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Comedy". Aired November 2014 - current.*
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"Black Comedy" is a fast paced comedic look at Australian culture brought together by Indigenous Australian writers and performers.
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03x04 - Episode 4

Post by bunniefuu »

Quartz, that's .

And triple for the Q.
That's in total.

Awesome. (CHUCKLES)
Yay. You're in the lead.

Oh!

Your turn, Ronald.

Alright. Um...

I got it, I got it.

Z, N, D, A, Q, U, T.

Ha-ha! Zndaqut.

That's . Double points,
which makes it .

Zndaqut.

That's not a word.

Yes, it is. It's Aboriginal.

What does it mean?

It's what my people would say
when you sneeze.

You know, like gesundheit,
but zndaqut.

I don't believe you.

Well, of course you wouldn't.
You're winning.

No. I just don't think it's a word.

It's a word. It's been handed
down from generation to generation.

Prove it.
OK.

Let's look it up in the dictionary.

It's not in the dictionary.
Wake up to yourself.

Oh, why not?

Because my language
is an oral tradition.

Not a written one.

So how do you know how it's spelt?

Because it was knowledge
that was passed down to me orally,

from generation to generation.

OK, well, we can't just be
putting down made-up words.

It's not made-up. It's my culture.

(SNEEZES)
Zndaqut.

Thank you.

See?

(NCIS-STYLE THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Everybody gather round.

It's everybody's favourite
part of the week.

It's the weekly wrap-up.

Get your biscuits,
get your coffees, your teas.

Hey, Bird, look here!
Who's walked in!

Hey, Wagtail! You weren't due
back for another, what, month?!

Yeah, well, Sarge,

nine b*ll*ts in the face
isn't as bad as b*ll*ts...

..in the face.

Yeah. So I've heard. Welcome back.

You know, everyone, it's been
a tough year for Blakforce.

That little corruption thing,
you know, really put a dent in us,

and felt that finding out
ya best cousin's a fuckin coconut?!

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
Felt that too.

(VOICE WAVERING) They called us
Slakforce! (SNIFFLES)

You alright, Sarge?

Yeah, I'm fine.
That hurt a little bit as well.

It's alright. Just a little bit.

I'm alright, I'm alright.
It's a fun time.

It's the fun time of the week.
It's the weekly wrap-up.

And Nathan, Coconuts cracked.
A new personal best!

Oh, but you've been bested.

Chrissy Blackman!

Coconuts cracked.
King Coconut cr*cker Chrissy.

Bring it in, Chrissy.
Thanks, Sarge.

Mate, that crackdown on the Dual
Identifiers at the Koori Knockout?

Mwah! f*cking phenomenal!

You're either Aborigine
or you're not!

Correct.
Now let's cr*ck some coconuts.

Hey, Wagtail, look who's here.

Ah, Coconut Kev.

What have you done this time?

Trying to solicit cross-fit
sessions. Big fella, look at him.

Close your legs.

Hey, hey.

What do you know about Blackman?

Not much. He showed up just as I got
busted back down to the street.

Some bullshit about
excessive use of force.

Why do you ask?

There's something
not quite right about him.

I just can't put my finger on it.

No idea, sis.

But you know who's gonna
know though, eh?

No way.

She's cracked, but if anyone's
going to know - it's her.

Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS) Yes!

Yeah! Get in there.

Blackman strikes again, eh?

Guess who just cracked
a busload of snowmen?

Running hot, brother! Running hot!

Thanks, bruz.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

G'day, mate. Your delivery from
the Maltese Cafe.

Yes!
Pastizzi and Kinnie?

You'll love it.
My nonna's favourite.

Oh, cute.
Have yourself a lovely evening.

You too.

Well, I'll be f*cked.

What the f*ck you swearing for?
Shut up!

Come on, Coconut Kev.

Where the... Oh!

Thank God you're here.

Come on in, Unc.
What have you lost, young fella?

The remote. Game's startin' soon,
lost the bloody remote control.

Easy. bucks.
Eh?

OK.

Thank you.

Nah, checked the magazines, Unc.

No, no, no. Checked it.
First place I looked.

No, checked that phone,
checked that plant.

(MYSTERIOUS SOUND)

Nah, Unc. I checked the couches.

No, I checked there.

That can't be right.

My phone's in my pocket. It's...

Oh! The remote!

He took my chips.

(THEME SONG PLAYS)

♪ Some people belong in the water

♪ Some people belong on the land

♪ You get out there and save them

♪ And I'll just wait here
on the sand

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

(SPITS OUT DRINK)

(BLOWS)
WOMAN: Help!

I can't swim!

HELP!

(BLOWS)
HELP!

Shut your drownin' hole up, woman!

Help!

HELP!
(BLOWS)

HELP!
(BLOWS)

(GULPS)

All that rush for nothing.

So, tell us about
the CrossFit, Kevin.

He's not who you think he is.

Who?
Blackman.

But I'm not telling you nothing.

Not until we cut a deal.

I want these CrossFit solicitation
charges dropped, my record expunged.

The kombucha trafficking,
handling of white goods.

Everything.

OK. But...

(ALARM BLARES)

Don't leave me in here!

Let's get out of here!
Let's get out of here!

Oh, look! It's a false alarm.

Something's not right.
Oi! Settle down, everyone!

Coconut Kev.

Coconut Kev!

Oh, my God! What is that?

It's a ski stick.

You live like a coconut,
you die like a coconut.

No matter what he's done, his family
shouldn't have to see him like this.

Family. Yeah.

I know what I have to do.

Wagtail,
you might want to turn around.

You don't want to see this.

Next on the agenda
we have Sharon, the cleaner.

Is she slack?

There's always grime left in the
shower. She doesn't mop the floors.

Yeah, but there's like three of us.
It can't be that easy.

And you know she has rights too.
Does she get superannuation?

I don't even know
if she's with a union?

Is there a union?

(WHISPERS) Are we scabs?

We're not scabs and
if she's not a part of her union,

that makes her the scab,
scabbing off our land.

This is about the quality of
her cleaning.

Why is she so slack?
Is it because we're black?

Thinks we don't deserve to
live in a clean house?

Thinks blackfellas should
live in their own filth?

Doesn't want to work for
black people?

Happy to take black money,
but not happy to do the work?

Maybe thinks we should go back
to the mission days

where we would be cleaning
her house?

f*ck that!

I hear what you're saying,
but she has been good to us.

She didn't say anything
when Pop kept flirting with her

the morning after the NAIDOC ball.

She's never said anything when
you cat took a sh*t in her handbag.

She's actually pretty good,
considering she's, like, .

How much are we paying her?

$ dollars for the three hours.

f*ck, is that all?

Maybe if we pay her more,
she'll do a better job cleaning.

Alright. Let's say $ dollars.

All in favour, raise your hand.

Alright,
it looks like the ayes have it.

Aunty Sharon's getting a pay rise.

You're all sympathisers.

Look, Aunty Sharon,

would you mind giving the kitchen
a mop over every now and then?

Thanks.

Hi! Hello, my big girl!

I didn't think you'd be back here

after I pulled that forest
out of your birth canal.

And you looking so pale.

But not your fault your mother
like laying around with white fellas

and you come out looking
like a walking Styrofoam box.

That's alright.
Aunty'll fix ya up, give ya a tan.

Now get in there,
take your clothes off...

..and Aunty Mary'll
make it all better.

Oh, my goodness! You look gorgeous.

Black don't cr*ck, baby.
Look at that skin!

That's what I call Peak Hill red dust
mixed with Bourke black dirt

and a sprinkle of
Lightning Ridge opal dust.

(SNIFFLES)
Oh, something wrong, blackie?

OK, my precious!
My little backwards Michael Jackson!

Now you go home now and you show your
womba mother who the real coconut is.

OK?

OK! Bye, my big girl! Any time!

What's up, padre?
Mind if I park my saddle here?

Yeah, alright. Go for it.
Oh, totemo arigatai.

That's "much appreciated" in
Japanese.

Yeah?

Yeah, I was in Japan for a while,

learning Tae Kwan Do
by an old Japanese man.

His name was Sushia.

Oh, yeah.

So you having a punt?

Yeah. Just a quick one, you know.

Yeah, nice.
A pint and punt on a Sunday.

Yeah.
Can't think of anything better!

Heaven on Earth. Name's Trent.

T-R-E-N-T. What's yours?

Mike.
Mike! Yeah, man, yeah.

Like that.

(WHISPERS) Like that.

Who've you got your punt on?

White Lightning.

He's paying $ ,
but, y'know, I only put $ on him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Big spender!

Hey, has your wife got your wallet?

And your balls? (LAUGHS)

Nah, mate. You know, just not
a big gambler, that's all.

Oh, you should've come to me
for tips.

I just met you!

I know this guy,
who knows this dude in China,

who's, like, some sort of magician.

He can transfer his soul
into any animal

with some weird voodoo sh*t, man.

And he told me that Ponyboy is going
to cream the rest of these scum.

Best part is, it's paying bucks.

So I put $ ,
on that sonofab*tch.

Eh? Ten grand?!

Yeah, and that's all my money!

But I believe in magic brother,
and you do the maths, man.

That's a $ , payday.

COMMENTATOR (ON TV) Racing.
And we're off.

White Lightning out of the gate,
leaving everyone in the dust.

And I can't believe this -

Ponyboy is doing something
we could have never predicted.

He's just stopped running.

Never, ever has this ever happened
in the history of horse racing.

He's just standing there
and eating dirt,

and White Lightning
has won the race.

f*ck!

That's all my f*cking money!

Ohh, I owe so many people money.

They're gonna break my legs.

They'll f*ckin' k*ll me, Mike!
They're going to k*ll me!

Hey, look. It's alright, mate.
Look, next drink's on me, eh?

(SIGHS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

f*ck all that crying sh*t, Trent.

You remember what Sushia told you.

(SPEAKS JAPANESE)

You're a champion.

A champion.

Now, this next dance
we're going to do for you mob

is a very traditional one for us
Wigglymuyu people, you know,

and it's only ever usually done
on a Wednesday or a Friday.

And since today's Wednesday,
we gonna do it for you.

It's the Wigglymuyu Debit Dance.

Alright, here we go.

♪ Oh!

♪ I bin waiting for dole check
Still not in yet

♪ Waiting for dole check
Still not in yet

♪ When I bin check
it still in debit

♪ When I bin check
it still in debit

♪ EEEEERRREEE LA

♪ Hey, loan der, loan der
Pay ya back nek week

♪ Loan der, loan der
Pay ya back nek week

♪ Loan der, loan der
Pay ya back nek week

♪ dollar, dollar,
dollar, anything

♪ dollar, dollar,
dollar, anything

♪ Ah, don't worry about it, then

♪ Waiting for dole check
still not in yet

♪ Waiting for dole check
still not in yet

♪ When I bin check
it still in debit

♪ When I bin check
it still in debit

♪ EEEEERRREEE LA. ♪

(VOCALISES)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

(CLOCKS TICKING, CUCKOO CHIRPS)

Dort!

You've come to visit!

Did you get my clocks?

Yes, Mum.

I got them.

I need your help.

There's a mole in the Blakforce.

What kind of mole?

Like that old bitch Karen
from payroll or...

No!

Like... a 'Person of Colour'.

Not a blackfella.
Ah!

Well, if that's true, it could
bring the whole thing undone.

Good!
Good?

The community needs us.

The community, the community!

What has the community
ever done for me?!

I gave them everything,
now look at me!

OK. OK.

How do I do it?

How do I catch him out?

You gotta use the Force.

The Force?

The Blak-force.

You're my daughter
but you don't have to be like me.

You can be better!

You've just gotta
look at the finer details!

How, Mum?

It's in here, dort. And here.

You just gotta find it
and find it quick,

before Blakforce becomes
POC force

Thanks.


I love you, Mum.

Go cr*ck that coconut, dort!

Time's tick, tick, ticking!

(WHISPERS) Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

G'day, Tod.
Hey! G'day, mate. How is she?

All good. Ready to go.
Fantastic.

Yep, we done a smokin' ceremony
all throughout.

Had the cuzzies come down
and do a w*r dance on the motor

and signed a peace treaty
in the back seat.

Oh, right!

What else did we do?

Oh, yeah, we had Uncle Joe come down

and rub his juju stick on all
four tyres - not the spare, though.

And we scattered Nana Ethel's ashes
in the boot, so should be covered.

Excellent. Excellent.

Oh, unfortunately, though,

one of our apprentices dropped
a Terra Nullius in the glovebox.

If you ignore it for about years,
should be able to get over it.

What about the brakes?

Nah, mate, they're f*cked.

We'd have to order in parts and
that causes all sorts of problems.

Oh, OK.

Well, can I ask,
how do you order in parts, then?

I'll show you.

(VOCALISES)

Brrrrrake pads.

(DISTANT expl*si*n)

There you go!

They should be here in about...
months.

Oh, that's great! That's just great.

We also put a dream catcher made of
driftwood on the rear vision mirror,

put a crystal in the gas t*nk

and we wiped down the dashboard with
the breastmilk of a virgin,

free of charge.

Wow!

I can't complain about the service!

Well, here she goes.

She's all good, spiritually,
for another months.

Just don't go passing a baby
through the window

or driving her backwards
at night time.

Thanks, man.
So how much do I owe you?

Nah, all good.

Just light a candle,
burn some incense,

and send a little bit of karma
my way.

Done.
Deal.

Alright.
Too easy, mate.

Cake sale!
Cake sale!

BOTH: Cake sale!

Hey, you mob!
I'm Bully!

And I'm Boonga
and we're identical twins!

The Boomerang Brothers!

Our daughters' netball team
is raising money

for the finals in Canberra

and our wives
are making us help them.

And we're passing the savings
on to you.

These lemon slices,
made by my lovely wife, Leeanne.

Only $ each.

We're losing our god-damned minds!

The Aussie classic lamington
that Carol made. Only $ a piece.

What do you think of that, daughter?

Daddy, that's a slam dunk.

So come on down
to the netball courts

across the road from George's
Hospital for the Mentally Ill.

Don't be a clown!
Come on down.

Dancing pugs?
What will they think of next.

Now joining me on Wake Up To
Yourself is our expert panel.

Earlier this week, beloved
Aboriginal man, Uncle Stevie,

in a press conference, referred to
white people as "white c♪♪♪s".

This has sparked outrage
in the white community,

with many calling for
the removal of his Uncle status

and a public apology.

Joining us is our expert panel -
Andrew, Katrina and Brendan.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning, Susie.
Great to be here.

Now, Brendan, you're wearing a suit.
What do you think?

Well, Susie, this may come
as a surprise, but I actually agree.

What do you mean?

Well, I know a lot of white people.

Warm, kind, white people
and I say this with a lot of love,

but white people are c♪♪♪s.

It was only yesterday that
one of them stole my parking spot.

You know,
the audacity of these people.

Katrina, you're a woman.
What do you think?

I wouldn't use words
as strong as that...

..but I tend to agree.

Can you elaborate?

As a mother, I can.

White people are c♪♪♪s.

Andrew?

Well, I've never actually met
a white person, but I do agree.

White people, they're c♪♪♪s.

I don't want to play
devil's advocate,

but don't you think that might be
a purposely ignorant view to take?

Can we see where these people
are coming from

and why they might be hurt,

or why they might think these
thoughts are a little bit r*cist?

Katrina. You have emotions.
What do you think?

I would hate for anyone, ever,
to think I'm r*cist.

Ever. Ever!

This is just my opinion.

And I'm entitled to my opinion.

Absolutely.
Yes, interesting.

The age old question -
are white people c♪♪♪s?

Share with us your thoughts
at Wake Up to Yourself.

You can find us on Twitter
or at our Facebook page.

Now, coming up next, after the break,

more insightful commentary
from qualified people and a woman.

Here they come.

Hey, you got some spare change
for some bread and milk?

Nah, nothing.

Well, what you playing cards
with there, then?

Nah, that's not mine.
I'm playing for Julie.

She in the toilet there.

There they go.

And this week's
King Coconut cr*cker...

..Chrissy Blackman!

Once again.

Chrissy! Good on ya, man!

You took K of bootleg 'Think Ya
Deadly' t-shirts off the street!

That makes him his week's
number one..

Person of colour.

Hey, Waggy! Talking like that.
Chris is one of us!

Is he, though?

Yes?

I haven't seen him at one
Knockout, NAIDOC celebration

or a Charlie Pride
Appreciation night.

Huh?

I couldn't even find
an old Bebo account for him!

Oh, he's got one.

Bird, who's your mob?

Yorta Yorta.

Nath, who's your mob?

Saibai Island, top western
Torres Strait represent, baby.

Blackman...

..who's your mob?

Tell her.
Uh...

Ah? Er? Ah?
I'm Indigenous...

What was that, sorry?
Indigenous mob.

Indigenous mob.

Show me your Proof of Aboriginality.

In fact, everyone,
show me your Proof of Aboriginality.

Come on. Come on!

Out. Come on.

Let's have a look here.

(LAUGHS)

This isn't a Proof of Aboriginality!

This is the specials menu
from the Drunken Wombat!

Ohh! Snap!

I'll be f*cked!

Who are you, Black-man?

There's nowhere to go, Blackman!
Stay back, or I'll jump!

Why did you do this?

There's people of colour
all through the Force!

You think I'm the only one?!

You got no idea how far this goes.

It's time for Blakforce to
become all inclusive!

Multi-cultural!

Tell me who!

Who put you up to this?!

You can't cr*ck a coconut
that's cracked itself, Wagtail!

(SCREAMS)

Noooooooo!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Damn.

Time's ticking!

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock!
Tick tock! Tick tock!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

BIRDS: Eyes up.
Come on, all you fellas.

Let's Blakforce all welcome
our newest recruit!

Oh, yeah, it's proper deadly
to meet you mob!

Deadly!

I'll be f*cked.

Hey, brother! How are ya?

(NCIS-STYLE THEME PLAYS)
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