03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

MACHINE: Please scan your first item.

Hey, uncle, turn it around.
Scan it other way.

Yeah, not upside down.
The other way around!

Which way?

Gee whizzers, not that way.

Which way?
The other way.

Other way. Other way.

The OTHER other way.

f*ck ya, come on.
Which way?

(BEEP!)

Hey-hey! What do you know?
Now put it in the bagging area.

No, not on me, uncle -
in the bagging area next to me.

Jesus, you can see it there.

If I was a poker machine
you'd know where to put it, eh?

(BEEP!)

(SIGHS) Oh, come on, uncle.

Wait there -
I'll get rid of the second item.

Gee whizzers.

Here, uncle, press 'yes' - quick!

(SIGHS) No, not that one.
Here, I'll do it again.

Here, uncle, listen.
Just press 'yes'.

Just press 'yes'. f*cking hell!

Yes. Yes.

Here, look. No, uncle.

You gotta wait
before you can scan another item.

Here, wait there.

No, wait there.

There. Here, look.

Jesus, I'll get someone for ya.

(BEEP!)

Come with me.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Any longer,
I would've self-destructed!

(BEEP!)

You kidding me, right? Nah?

Forget it, auntie.
I'm taking a break.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Please come in.

I've never done this before.

That... that's...

That's OK.

I just wanted to experiment.

You know? Get the whole experience.

You don't have to
justify yourself to me.

(SEDUCTIVELY) I'm going to give you
an Aboriginal girlfriend experience

you'll never forget.

Now take your clothes off
and get in the shower.

(WATER RUNS)

(SHARPLY) Turn the tap off.

You're going to use up
all the hot water.

And do you have to leave
your clothes everywhere?

What am I? Your sl*ve?

sh*t me dead.
I almost slipped and k*lled myself!

Go on, get out.

Hey! Don't forget your sh*t.

I swear Stevie-Boy is up to no good.

Mm. Yeah, well, Trisha will learn
when he gets locked up.

Mum says hi.

Hi.

He says hi.

Mm.

Mum wants to talk to you.

Hello?

You should get this for me.

I love Gucci.

It's a little bit expensive, though,
don't you think?

What?

(SIGHS SHARPLY)

You think I'm not worth it.

No! No, no, no,
it's nothing like that, it's just...

He thinks I'm not worth it,
eh, Aunty Shirl.

Do they take Amex?

Yes.

Make us a cuppa, eh, bub?

Uh, yeah, OK.

♪ Some people belong in the water

♪ Some people belong on the land

♪ You get out there and save them

♪ Oh, yeah!
♪

Craig! Craig, Craig, Craig!
Quick, quick, quick!

He's got no pulse!

There's still no pulse.

"Established "? r*cist dog.

You're going to have to give him
mouth to mouth.

I said MOUTH to mouth,
not hand to mouth!

I'm not doing it. You do it.
Alright, I will.

But I'm going to get you to b*at on
his chest after every fifth breath.

After every fifth breath!

Yeah, I know. I was just practising.

I was just practising.

(COUGHS, GAGS)

Oh, look. You saved him!

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. You saved him.

(COUGHS)

Shh! You're gonna get me kicked out
of the Koori Pride Club.

Here, let's just keep this
our little secret, alright?

Hey, Tanisha. How are we doing?

Um. I'm a bit nervous.

Of course.

I just want this to be done
so I can get on with my life.

So, my name's Darcy.
I'm with the legal service.

Why exactly are we here?

It's just for some stupid
unpaid train thing.

I forgot to top up.

The train inspector didn't let me off
but if you can tell her

I topped up straight after
I got off the train.

I was in a rush
and I didn't have enough time.

This is my first fine.

(SIGHS)

OK.

We are going to fight this case
and we are going to win.

Do you know why?

Because this is what I live
and breathe for, cases like this.

This is the reason
I went to law school.

Sure, I could have gone
and joined Daddy's firm

and been rimming corporate arse
for a living,

but no - I am here, with you,
in the trenches where I belong.

(DOOR OPENS)

WOMAN: OK.
Here we go.

Tanisha.
This looks pretty straightforward.

An unpaid train ticket, right?

Mm-hm.

Your Honour,
my client is not guilty!

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

(SCOFFS) I don't expect you
to understand,

but this is about
more than just Tanisha.

This is about her people.

This is about her land,
her stolen wages!

This is about Oodgeroo.

Ernie. Briggsy. Bennelong.

Uh, Samantha Harris.

Just a moment, Your Honour.

I am f*cking crushing this.

(WHISPERS) I don't know, Darcy.
I just want to pay the fine.

Shh, Tanya.

Tanisha.

Right. Tanisha.

This is your land.

You should not have to pay.

Oh, would you two please hurry up?
I don't have all day.

What do you want to do?
It's pretty straightforward.

Like I was saying, Your Honour...

..my client...

..my Aboriginal client...

..my Aboriginal client
whose name is Tanisha...

..did nothing wrong.

She only did
what she thought was right.

And if doing what you think is right
is wrong

then you should just lock her up!

Is that your defence, Tanisha?

Did you pay for the train ticket?

Uh, well...

The defence rests, Your Honour.

Then lock her up.
Four days should do the trick.

What a waste of time.

But...

Don't worry, Tanya.
I will get you out of here.

I went to Melbourne Law School!
I was at the reconciliation march!

Freedom!

Land rights!
Yeah...

C!

Shame on you.

Yard sale.
Yard sale.

BOTH: Yard sale!

Hey, you mob!

I'm Bully!
And I'm Boonga!

And we're identical twins -
the Boomerang Brothers!

Recently, Boonga and I
were in Thailand,

where we did a fuckload of dr*gs
and had sex with exotic women.

And our bloody wives found out.

Now we're getting divorced
and we're passing the savings...

On to you!

Toyota Camry,
originally worth $ , ,

but for you, only bucks!

If you don't take it, Cheryl will!

My wedding photos. bucks each!

But you better get 'em,

otherwise they're going in the oven.

(DOG BARKS)
My best friend Mixxy!

Apparently Cheryl's new boyfriend
is allergic to dogs

and I'm staying in a motel,

so she's free to a good home!

So come around to our place!

But you better be quick

because if our wives find out
we're selling our sh*t...

They'll k*ll us.

Wilson Road.

If you drive past the McDonald's

where that guy
d*ed in the bathroom...

You've gone too far!

Looking, looking, looking.

Where's my job?

Come on, Tommy.

Hmm, another one of those boxes.

Maybe I should tick the box.

I mean, I know I'm not one of them
Aboriginals, but I tan pretty well.

They'll never know. Besides,
it'll guarantee I get the job.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

MAN: Can I get a loan?

Sorry?

Yeah, I'll pay you back next payday.
Promise, bro.

I think you have the wrong number.

Nah, this is my brother Tommy.

Hey, cuz.

Tommy!

Uh, sorry, I'm not your cousin.

Hey, cuz! How you been?

Oh, can you give me a lift
down to Nan's place?

And a patch up for smokes?

Hey, cuz!

Cuz!

Excuse me, sir,
I'm just doing a random check.

Uh...
Put the bottle down.

Sure.
Arms out.

(CHUCKLES) That's ticklish.
Why are you resisting, mate?

Why are you resisting?
What?

Why are you resisting?
Why are you resisting, mate?!

(CHOKES)
Why are you resisting? Stop it!

Look, I'm telling you,
there's been a mistake, OK!

I haven't done anything!
I haven't done anything!

Shut your mouth,
you little black dog!

I'm not black! I'm not black!

I just ticked the box!
I just ticked the box!

I did the... Arggh!

What are you in here for?

I...

..ticked the Aboriginal box.

Me too.

(LAUGHS)

Me too!

(LAUGHS)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

How's your burger?

It's really good.
You should have got one.

It looks really good.

Would you like a bite?

(GIGGLES) Oh, just a tiny one.

(MUNCHES, MUMBLES) It's really good.

Our people had connection with
spirits for longest time now.

Even till this very day

we have connections with the spirits
on a regular basis.

So dis next dance we gonna do for you

is a dance
about how us Wigglymuyu mob

connect with the spirits
around ceremony time.

Alright, here we go.

♪ Ayyyy!

♪ Ah, ay! Ah bin sippin dat vodka,
chargin on bourbon

♪ Bottle of rumbo,
scullin dat moselle

♪ Sippin dat vodka,
chargin on bourbon

♪ Bottle of rumbo,
scullin dat moselle

♪ Yoooo! Hey!

♪ Slug it out now, slug it out now,
slug it out

♪ Slug it out now,
slug it out now, slug it out

♪ Slug it out now, slug it out now,
slug it out

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ay, oohs, oohs

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah,
ay, oohs, oohs

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ay
Ayy!

♪ We bin sippin dat vodka,
chargin on bourbon

♪ Bottle of rumbo,
scullin dat moselle

♪ Ayyy! Oh!

♪ Slug it out now, slug it out now,
slug it out

♪ Slug it out now,
slug it out now, slug it out

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ay, oohs, oohs

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ay
Ayy!

♪ Brrrrr!

♪ Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!

♪ Brrrrr! Cha-ku! Yu!

♪ Ay! ♪

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

We probably gonna
connect with spirits after this show.

Thank you. We love you.

I don't know. I give up.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

That's him. He's here!

Good afternoon!

Heya! Thank God you're here.

We've been looking everywhere.
Please come, come in. Come in.

How can I help youse?

It's the house keys.

We turned this whole place
upside down looking for them.

Nothing.
Hmm.

Who sits there?

I do.

Interesting.

Where's your kitchen?

Hmm.

Uh...

Hmm.

You right there?

Well, I can find your keys,
but it'll cost ya bucks.

.
.

.

Alright. Money upfront.

Thank you.

You left these in the front door.

(DIDGERIDOO PLAYS)

Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

(CHUCKLES)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who's that? We didn't order
room service again, did we?

I have a surprise for you.

Hey!
Ahhh!

Hello!
Come on, come on!

(KIDS BABBLE)
Uh, who are they?

These are my sister's kids.

We got to look after them for a few
hours while she goes to the RSL.

This is Uncle Will.

Hello, Uncle Will!

Bring it up there.
(SQUEALS)

Yeah, bring it up here.

(CALLS) Hello?!

Hey. What's, uh... what's going on?

What's all this about?

This is about you, Trevor.

This is an intervention.

Can you please sit down?

Look, I know I went out
last weekend,

but I don't think
I got that pissed.

It's not about your drinking, Dad.

What?

Jordan, can you get it?

Thanks, bub.

Dad, what's going on?

I'm sorry, son.

My guitar?

It has to go, son.

What?
It has to go, Trevor.

What do you mean?

Dad, it's become a burden
on this family.

Like last week at my birthday.

(SINGS OFF-KEY)
♪ I have a band of men

♪ And all they do is play for me

♪ They come from
all around the globe... ♪

I thought you had a great birthday.

Or our camping trip.

♪ I have a band of men

♪ And all they do
is play for me... ♪

MAN: Oi! Shut the hell up!

What was that, mate?!
My family's trying to relax!

So shut your f*ckin' mouth!

Jordan.

And remember your mother's funeral.

Every time I see a dove,
I'll picture your face.

You are gone, my love,
but never forgotten.

Aunty? Trevor? Is there anything
either of you would like to say?

I'm just so lost right now.

But like you always used to say,
Mum,

if you can't say
how you feel in words...

..use music.

♪ I have a band of men

♪ And all they do is play for me

♪ They come from
all around the globe

♪ To hear my melody... ♪

I'm not getting rid of the guitar.

Dad! Please. You have to.

What, you expect me
to just throw it away?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Thanks for coming.

Just over here.

This is Gary...

..from Cash Converters.

He's offering to take your guitar
off your hands.

Yeah. I'll grab it for bucks.

bucks?! Are you serious?

This is ridiculous.

Dad, you found it at the tip.
It's worth nothing.

Yeah, son,
and you only know one song.

You don't need it.

WE don't need it.

Here.

Thank you, babe. Thank you.

Thank you, Dad.

Ohh.

Good, my boy.

We've had an emergency call - someone
sounding extremely distressed,

but they weren't making any sense.

Yeah. They didn't explain
what was wrong,

so we're gonna check out
what's happening.

♪ Blakforce
Blak-Blakforce

♪ Ooh, oh, oh

♪ Blakforce
Blak-Blakforce. ♪

Ooh, a fancy dress party.

We have a -er.

That's a fancy dress partay.

A -er. Thank you.

Right, let's have a look.

(DANCE MUSIC POUNDS)

MAN: Oh, my God, oh, my God!
I'm so glad you're here.

This is so inappropriate.

What seems to be the problem?

Just come and have a look
for yourself!

He says he's just trying to honour
Shane Warne,

but he's in whiteface!

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

OTHERS: (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)
Oi, oi, oi.

You're ruining the party!
This is so inappropriate!

Warnie! I am the party!

So disrespectful. You're making
everyone uncomfortable.

(LAUGHS)
Here comes the f*ckin' flipper!

He's gone!

You have to do something!

Well, look, technically,
this is out of our jurisdiction.

What do you mean?

Well, technically
he's not breaking black law.

How is he not breaking black law?!
He's in whiteface!

Whiteface? More like dull orange.

Yeah, he's definitely not white.

It's r*cist, right? Right?!

No. To who?

(LAUGHS)

You know, whiteface doesn't really
carry the same history.

You see,
whiteface doesn't have a history,

so technically it doesn't exist.

There's no precedent for this.

I mean, if he was
joining a cricket team,

we'd write him up a warning,

but he's just taking the piss.

Yeah, he's got commitment to
the leg spin, that's for sure.

Howzaaaaaat?!

Not out.

Anyway, how did you get our number?

Well, I'm actually / th Indigenous
on my grandmother's side.

I'm part-Aboriginal!

Do you realise
filing a false coconut report

is a bashable offence,
Fraction Jackson?!

Hey! Hey! We gotta figure this out.

I should...
Hey, hey! Just... step.

It's bullshit.
I know, boy, I know.

Hey! Can you turn that off, please?

Hey, I dunno what to do, sarge.

But someone needs to get bashed,
though.

Yeah, I know
someone needs to get bashed.

I didn't come all the way out here
to not give someone a hiding.

Hey, can you turn that off, please?!

We need some space here. Hey?

I think we got our man. (GRUNTS)

(SEDUCTIVELY) You're a bad boy,
aren't you?

(GIGGLES)

That's why you're going to put that
mattress on the floor,

and you're gonna listen to
all of my opinions

about Selling Houses Australia

and tell me I'm right.

Oh! Yeah, that's it.

(GASPS) That's the spot.

(TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

Oh, yeah!

That's the spot right there.

Mmm.

Oh...

MAN: (ON TV) And what are they
hoping to sell for?

In excess of $ million.

Oh, they won't get that price
for that house.

Yeah, no, they won't.
You're totally right.

Mmm. Yeah.

Little bit harder there, eh?

Let's take a look now, shall we?

(SNORES)

Where you going?

I'm going to work.

So where do we live?

I live by the beach.

(GASPS) Shut up!

I love the ocean.

What do you want for dinner?
I was thinking maybe curry sausages.

Look, Latoya,
your website said the Girlfriend...

The Girlfriend Experience.

Yeah, I know.

I'm your girlfriend.

So experience it.

Oh! First, I was thinking,
I'll do the whole house up,

and then you and I can have
biggest mob of babies.

Don't worry, honey -
I'm already off the pill.

Oh, that's right,
I forgot to tell you -

Mum, Dad, my sister and Aunty Shirl
are coming over this weekend.

And my cousin Courtney
and those dopey little kids,

but we can have the biggest feed
and then we can...

Hey.

Hey, what's wrong?

I lub you.

Do you lub me too?

Yeah, I lub you too.

(SINGS QUIETLY)
♪ I have a band of men

♪ And all they do
is play for me... ♪