03x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Comedy". Aired November 2014 - current.*
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"Black Comedy" is a fast paced comedic look at Australian culture brought together by Indigenous Australian writers and performers.
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03x06 - Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

In need of clothes
but short on cash?

Wish that you could be wearing
last year's fashions

instead of the year before's?

Then why not head down
to your cousin's house!

Cuzmart!

Basketball sneakers -

out they go at only weeks
of avoiding your cousin.

Sweatpants were nine weeks
of avoiding your cousin.

We're giving them away at just six.

These grand final footy shorts
as worn by your cousin,

only months of avoiding
your cousin.

For specials like this and much,
much more, head down to Cuzmart.

Cuzmart is not responsible
for any cousin related bashings.

Terms and conditions apply.
See in store for details.

One last thing - before
your research grant is approved,

we need a Confirmation
of Aboriginality,

so as to prove your
Aborigin...

..nal... ity.

Confirmations of Aboriginality,

also known on the street
as dog tags,

black papers and Koori birthmarks.

More Australians are identifying
as Aboriginal than ever before,

getting high on Aboriginality.

We are losing the w*r on race.

Something needs to be done.

You got the gear?

You know I do.

I got all kinds of Confirmation
of Aboriginality.

I got Murri, I got Koori,

I got Noongar.

sh*t, they'll certify you black,
or you can get your money back.

I know what you need...

Confirmation of Aboriginality,

signed by a CEO
of an Indigenous organisation.

Boom!

One. One. I'll take one.

No, two. No, no, three, man.

sh*t! Go easy.

What, you tryin' to get
a job at NITV or somethin'?

What the f*ck?!

You're under arrest.

Bend over,
spread your cheeks apart and cough.

Come on, look,
I'll make it worth your while.

Just forget about the butt search,
eh?

Now bend over,
spread your cheeks apart and cough!

(GASPS)

sh*t! We've got a code brown!

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Hey! Hello, my big girl.

I'm that excited to be doing
your make-up

for your big do you got on tonight.

Come and sit down.

Who woulda thought
your tight-arse coconut mother

would actually pay
to make you look good?

And you know Aunty will make you
look that pretty too

that men will actually be chasing you
instead of me for once.

'Cause you know Aunty's the pretty
one, eh? Itchy one for anyone.

So you just lay back now.

Let Aunty Mary
make everything better.

Oh, my baby, you look that deadly.

Oh, don't cry 'cause Aunty done
such a good job. What you reckon?

I f*ckin' hate it.

Um, what? Sorry? Come again?

I frickin' hate it!

I hate my eyebrows.
I look like I'm sponsored by Nike.

Can't even wipe my own fork
after I piss

with these long-arse frickin' nails.

And you cut my flaps,
not once but six times.

I got burns on my mick
from your hot wax.

And no-one wants to doori me
with my literal "hot" fork.

And this, the tan of my life,

got me looking like you left me
to soak overnight in the pan.

And now this?

I look like a cheap hooker,

a cheap hooker who's been crying
all day at a funeral

about an aunty
she actually gave a sh*t about!

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Well, some people don't deserve
to look nice!

OK, well, here we are.

Hey, I love you, babe.

Thanks for coming with me today.

Thanks for wanting me to come.

Hey, listen, I'm really nervous.

Do you think that
they're going to like me?

Are you kidding me?

They're going to f*cking love you.

Hey, there is something
I need to tell you.

Mum and Dad don't know
you're a woman.

They don't exactly know
that I'm gay.

You haven't come out yet?

How do you think
they're going to take it?

Mum has a gay cousin
and everyone loves him.

So it'll be totally fine.

Hey, Mum'll probably just be happy

that there's someone who wants to
put up with me.

Come here.

We got this.

Come on.

Hey!
Hey!

Oh, guys, it's been so long.
My baby girl!

Hey, Mum, Dad, there's someone
I want you guys to meet.

Remember I told you I'd met someone?

This is that special someone.

Mum, Dad, this is Sarah,
my girlfriend.

Huh?
Hey.

Look, let's get inside
before the neighbours see.

OK. Come on.

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) Come on.

So, how's work going, dear?

Yeah, no, it's really good, Mum.

I think I'm going to get
a promotion soon.

Which is great, 'cause, well...

Sarah and I are thinking of buying
a house together.

In Footscray.

(BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE)

Just leave it.
You need to drop it, Frank.

Frank, just drop it.

Drop what?

Why are you guys being so weird?

Nothing.
No. It's not nothing.

You know exactly what this is about.

I'm not going to sit around here
pretending otherwise.

We did not raise you like this.

Like what?!

To love a woman?

No.

White people.

Migaloos. Gubbas.

I can't believe my only daughter
is f*cking a wh...

f*cking a white person.

These are not the values
we brought you up with.

Is she a top?

Are you being topped
by a white person?

I didn't raise a bottom.

No daughter of mine
will bottom for whitey.

Sarah, get your sh*t.

We're leaving.

We don't have to put up with this.
How dare you?

You think I'm an idiot, Dad?

Ha!

The only time I will bottom
for anyone is on birthdays,

maybe New Year's.

I don't bottom for whitey.

Tell him, Sarah.

Tell him!

She doesn't bottom for whitey.

You want me to wear a wire?

Do you know what
they'll f*cking do to me

if they find out I'm wearing a wire?

The way I look at it,
you kind of don't have a choice.

See, we found enough fake
Confirmations of Aboriginality

in your butthole

to put you away
for a very long time.

Those aren't even mine.
Never seen 'em before.

We found them in your anus.

These confirmations have victims,
Aboriginal victims.

I ain't doing nothing.

Either way you're doing something.

See, we've got you for trafficking.

This isn't selling Aboriginal flags

or fake tan from a car boot
outside of a uni on Invasion Day.

This is serious weight.

You're k*lling communities, Ray.

So, what are you gonna do?

Get locked away in a place
for a very long time

where they put a lot more

than fake
Confirmations of Aboriginality

up your butthole?

Or...

..you wear the wire?

Kevvy!

Hey, Ray Ray!

What's happening, brother?
What you doing around here?

Hey, John, this is my brother
Raymond. Ray Ray, this is John.

John, pleased to meet you, mate.
Yeah, you too.

Good to see you, eh?
Yeah, you too, my brother.

You keep them together, right.
Yeah.

I didn't know you had
another brother.

Who?
Raymond.

Oh, yeah. Nah, he's my cousin.

What do you mean? I'm confused.

Open your binungs now
because I'm only saying it once.

Our nans are cousins 'cause my nan
was married into the family.

His mum and my mum
are cousin sisters,

but because my mum is older
than Aunty Sue,

Raymond's mum calls my mum 'aunty'
and I'm actually his mum's cousin.

So Raymond is actually my nephew
'cause I'm two days older than him.

But because his mum's older than me,

for respect I gotta call her aunty,

which then makes me Raymond's cousin

and I just call him
my brother for respect.

Hey, sis.
Hey.

Ah, so she's your cousin too.

Nah, I haven't seen
her before in my life.

♪ Some people belong in the water

♪ Some people belong on the land

♪ You get out there and see them

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪

Hello, beautiful. I'm Craig,
head lifeguard around here.

What's your name?

Anna. I'm from Denmark.

Beautiful name. Denmark.

So how long have you been in Oz for?

Er...
Help!

Er, I think someone needs your help.

Help!

Dennis, one of your mob again.

Oh, look at him go.

See? All sorted.

Denmark, eh? Beautiful name.

Beautiful people too. Just like you.

(GIGGLES) Stop it.

Craig, can you give us a hand?

Er, I think your friend
needs some help.

Him? Nah, he'll be right.

I'm more worried about you
getting sunburnt.

You better put some of this on.
Need a bit of help?

Yeah. Sure.

It gets hot out here
on these beaches, you know.

Yes.

You have to re-up already, Ray?

They're hungry on the streets,
George.

More Australians than ever
are identifying as Aboriginal.

You know, even my best guys,

guys that have been in the game
since Howard,

can't move confirmations like you do,
Ray.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I got a proposition for you, man.

What's that?

You know, you remind me of myself
when I started out, Ray.

All hustle and buttholes.

But I want to give you
more responsibility.

What do you think about that, Ray?

I'm in.

I only got one rule.

No using.

I know you're black.
You know I'm black.

The community knows you're black.

We don't black off
on our own stacks.

Yeah, fair enough.

(LAUGHS) Check this sh*t out.

Pure, uncut community
Land Council referees.

sh*t, swelling.

Man, you could be fresh off the boat
from mainland China,

but with one of these babies
right here,

you could be delivering
the keynote at NAIDOC

at a community organisation
by lunchtime.

What you think about that, Ray?
Yeah.

sh*t, yeah.

You OK, Ray?

Sorry, bruz, sorry.

Nobody f*cking move!
You're all under arrest.

You wearing a f*cking wire, Ray?

Sorry, brother, eh? Sorry.

Where?

It's in his butthole!

Hola! Can I get a Corona
on the rocks?

And make the lime extra sour.

Sorry, what?

What?

Did you ask me where I got
my sombrero and poncho?

Or as I like to call them,
my sombo and ponch?

Sorry, mate, it wasn't me.

Yeah, got them in a tour of Mexico.

As the locals call it, "Mehico".

Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?

Santa Barbara, near Tijuana.

Arigato, amigo.

"Arigato, amigo" means
"cheers, legend" in Spanish,

the language of love.

Sorry, mate, who are you?

Name's Trent, hombre.

T-R-E-N-T.

What's your nombre?

That's name in Spanish.

Craig.

Craig!

Sick. I dig it.

Hey, Craig, do you know El Chapo?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I met his brother, El Lapo.

He nicknamed me the one-eyed dragon,

'cause I'm majestic,
and hot, like a dragon,

have the focus of a man
with one eye.

Cool.

Oh, man, the women in "Mehico".

Ooh, the mamacitas.

Enough spice to give your boy
acid reflux. Ya dig?

You mean like her?

Ay, yai, yai, yai!

Mamacita.

Bet you $ I can get her number.

bucks? You're on.

Easy money.

Watch the one-eye dragon
get to business.

A lady like you shouldn't
have her glass empty.

I should buy you a drink.

Only if you think you can handle
the consequences.

I can't!

You're the first woman I've talked to
since breaking up with Vanessa!

And you're just going to leave me
as well!

Don't leave.

Looks like you owe me bucks,
mate.

Please don't. It's all I have left.

Bet's a bet, mate.

f*ck all that crying sh*t, Trent.

Remember what El Lapo told you.

"Hueles de maras de burro."

You're an Anzac.

You're a bloody Anzac.

Who knew fermentation
could be so much fun?

Now, here at Wake Up To Yourself,
we take racism very seriously.

We've heard what you've been saying,
and, folks, we've been listening,

so much so that we've invited
Verity onto the show

to be a guest
on our expert panel segment.

Verity is white.

And today is all about Verity.

Hello, Verity.
Hello.

Katrina, Verity,

despite your racial differences,

you both have a lot in common.

You're both women. You both probably
have children and like to cook.

Talk to each other.

Hi.
Hello.


Look at these two
getting along like a house on fire.

Not so different after all.

Verity, tell us about yourself.

Well, um, I work in HR.

Fascinating stuff!

We have a HR department on this show!

Brendan, Verity's a white woman,
and you're a black man.

How do you feel sitting next to her?

I've got to say,
it does feel a bit strange.

I've never been so close
to a white woman before

and I'm hoping she doesn't press
any charges!

But, look, these
are the actions that we need to take

if we want to rise above divisions
and reach reconciliation.

Verity,
how can we be better black people?

Great question, Andrew. Really good.

Katrina, what are your thoughts?

How can we, as black people,
be better people for Verity here?

I think there are so many ways
I could be better as a black person.

I could be healthier
if I'm completely honest.

Every year
I say I'm going to run a marathon

and every year the goal
goes past me.

I could learn how to save money

and I need to stop cancelling plans
with my friends.

What do you think about that,
Verity?

About...?
Should Katrina be running a bit more?

I don't think...

I think she should.

She's been saying for years
that she wants to run a marathon.

Should do it.
Mm.

Well, there you go, folks.

And can I just say

it has been an honour having you
on the show today, Verity.

You've done such a good job
representing yourself,

and white people.

And I think I speak for all of us
when I say that, you know,

we'll be thinking about your
insights for a long time to come.

Now, coming up next,
a viral piece to camera

and an apology for that offensive
thing I did last week.

(SLURPS)

Here they come.

Hey, let me use your phone
to ring up there.

No credit.

Well,
what about you house phone, then?

(PHONE RINGS)

Disconnected.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

There they go.

The head of a certificate cartel,
caught red-handed.

You're so f*cked. What do you
have to say for yourself, George?

I won't spend a day in here, man.

You seem pretty confident.

Mm. I'm going to walk out
this front door in seconds.

Is that seconds
starting from now

or from when you first
said seconds?

No, starting now.

OK. Is that seconds,
or five seconds?

Because you just said
that five seconds ago.

From now.
I'll start counting backwards.

, ...

Ahh.

Premier Carson?

Release this man immediately!

(CHUCKLES)

But you lead the w*r on...

Oh, come on, cut the sh*t.
You're not that naive.

Politics is w*r. Black and white,
we need it all.

Otherwise I'd be out of a job,

the whole government
would be out of a job.

See? I told you. They need us.

No. No! NO!

I did not personally put a wire
up some stooge's butthole

so you could just walk away.

(CHUCKLES) But I still got
a card to play.

I got an ace up my sleeve to ensure
that I don't spend a day in prison.

Yeah? What's that?

(SQUELCHING)

(GRUNTS)

Certificate of Caucasianality.

You just pulled that
out of your arse!

Yeah, I did.

And this Certificate
of Caucasianality

is signed by Bert Newton, d*ck Smith
and Kerri-Anne Kennerley.

Oh, my God. This is unimpeachable,
blinding whiteness.

Ooh, easy!
George, George.

We didn't sign on for this.
Didn't we?

Anyone can be Aboriginal.

I mean, white needs to be protected.

White needs to be pristine...
Shut up!

(SQUELCH)
Argh!

Urgh...

Go on.

(LAUGHS)

You take a seat right there, baby.

You know, I'm gonna flood the streets
with Certificates of Caucasianality.

Yeah, I'm gonna even up the score.
Mm-hm!

Even the blackest man is gonna be
ignored by security guards.

And guess what?

There's nothing you can do about it.

No. No.

NO!

No...

NOOOOOO!

I'm f*cked.
I'm f*cked.

BOTH: We're f*cked!

Argh!

I'm Bully.
And I'm Boonga.

And we're identical twins.

BOTH: The Boomerang Brothers.

Our wives refused to take us back

after we broke our vows

and betrayed the sanctity
of marriage.

Now...
BOTH: We're f*cked.

This is Rocky.

He's the closest thing
I have to a son

since my ex
got custody of my real son.

To me, he's priceless.
To you, only five bucks.

BOTH: What a bargain.

You can take me behind this bush

and do whatever you want
for bucks.

f*ck me, what a deal!

Kidney problems? No problems.

Take mine. I only need one.

Only bucks.

So come down to our tent
off the M highway.

And if you pass the abandoned
Bunnings...

BOTH: You've gone too far.

Gentlemen, I've got some good news.

Timothy, get over here.

And some bad news, but we'll start
with the good news.

The good news is
that our ratings are up.

Most of our programs
are getting critical acclaim.

So it is a good time to be
a part of the ABC Board.

Champagne? Cheers!

To the ABC. To us.

To us!

Mm!

Thank you, Timothy.

So, what was the bad news, Veronica?

The bad news is Black Comedy.

Black Comedy?
It's great for the KPIs.

What's the problem?

I love Black Comedy.

But do you get it?

Exactly. We are in danger of losing
our white audience.

What are we going to do, Veronica?!

I don't know.

I've got an idea.

What, Timothy?

What idea could the ABC teaboy
possibly have come up with,

that the ABC Board couldn't?

White Comedy.

Excuse me, sir?

Yes, sir?

I believe you've been having
sexual intercourse

with my boyfriend.

Please remind me
of the name of your boyfriend.

I have been having an absurd
amount of h*m* intercourse

as of late.

His name is Mark Johnson, stuff you.

Oh, yes. Mark Johnson.
We were together.

He loves having sexual
relations with moi.

I beg to differ, my friend.

He prefers to have sexual
intercourse with moi.

Besides, I'm a better cook than you.

Let me respond to your claim by
saying I can dance better than you!

Well, what about this, then, mate?

Well, what about this, then, mate?

What about this, then, mate?

Well, what about this, then, mate?

Mm! Mm!

What about this, then, mate?

What about this, then, mate?
♪ Eee, eeh! ♪

What about this, then, mate?
What about this, then, mate?

Mate. Mate.
Mate. Mate.

What about this, then, mate?
(PANTING)

What about this, then, mate?

Well, what about this, then, mate?

Well, what about this, then...

This show sucks.
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