05x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Look at that.

Yes.

That's nasty, that is, isn't it?

Could you leave it outside next time?

It's just rough skin.

It's not that unsightly.

No, but I bet you don't get many requests

for an enlargement in full colour, do you?

I've tried everything.

What you need is Dr Proctor's Skin Softener.

Here he is.

This gentleman here, you know,

he didn't get petal-soft skin by accident.

No.

Gastric, take a look at
Mr Phillips' leg, will you, please?

I haven't got time.
I'm fixing Madge's boiler.

Dear.

What is this life if full of care?

We have no time to stand and stare
at Mr Phillips' leg.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

- Gastric?
- Hello, Madge. How long are you going to be?

- I'm coming.
- You should be here.

- I'm coming. I shan't be long.
- Where are you?

- I'm just looking at this gentleman's leg.
- What?

I'll come back later.

Who was that on the phone?

That was his love life.

I told you he was petal-soft, didn't I?

What did I dream about last night?

Tins of baked beans.

When people my age should be having
wild, exotic dreams...

I get baked beans.

You stack boxes of them in my bedroom.

Only because my bedroom's full.

I don't know why you bought them.

You can't sell an unknown brand,

especially one called Manky.

Who is going to want Manky Beans?

- They are the nation's favourite.
- Where?

Kalamistan.

You've invented a country called Kalamistan.

As if I would.

Where is it then?

Your knowledge of geography's
very limited, isn't it?

Kalamistan is an independent republic

on the outer borders of Mongolia.

They all speak the same language.

Yeah, so do you.
Complete rubbish.

Yeah, well, the price was right.

Who's going to want to buy
something called Manky?

Well, they will when they find out
what it means in ancient Mongolian.

Not going to help, the fact
that they taste horrible.

We tell them that it means
"the stairway to heaven."

The beans that offer enlightenment.

Two sugars, Mrs Machin.

You did say two?

If it was one, just think of it as two ones.

That's fine, love.

And how is Mr Machin?

Don't ask.

Well, don't you know or daren't you say?

It's embarrassing.

Well, I'm sure we don't wish to pry.

But since it's getting interesting...

And seeing as you've more or less started...

- He has these dreams.
- We all have dreams.

Not me, I gave them up
when Roger Moore d*ed.

It's true, we all have dreams,
but not like his recently.

It's ever since they changed his
medication for his frozen shoulder.

They've got some frozen shoulder
at the Co-op.

I daren't tell Granville
it's cheaper than his.

Mrs Machin means that Mr Machin's
got some loss of movement

in his shoulder.

You wouldn't think loss of movement

if you saw him jumping about
in bed with these dreams.

Ooh, excitable is he?

I could never accuse him of that.

When they're in love with vintage buses,

it's a lot like being a widow.

Well, he could have worse hobbies.
Mine did.

I told you not to marry him.

I tried.
But he said, "Shut up, I'm busy."

And, anyway, then he said he needed me.

So, are we to understand that
Mr Machin's having disturbed nights?

We're both having disturbed nights.

At least my marriage bed was quiet.

He was usually in somebody else's.

At the moment, there's far too much
going off in our bed

during the hours of darkness.

However, I'd rather you didn't repeat that.

As if we would.

Jumping about in bed all night.

Apparently he's having these funny dreams.

Well, that's a big jump, isn't it,
from vintage buses?

She says it involves vintage buses,
but in a way that's embarrassing.

- What, another woman?
- Worse.

What, two other women?

Well, that doesn't sound like Mr Machin.

I mean, he's the sort
that'd only buy one sock at a time,

if he could find a pliable retailer.

What worries Mrs Machin is he says
they aren't dreams.

He says they're real.

He says every night except Tuesdays
he's abducted by aliens.

What's wrong with Tuesdays?

It's their bingo night.

"Meet me at the park," you said.

I thought, "Nice, gently romantic,
just the two of us."

- What have you brought her for?
- She's got a name,

she's not some object.

Ruby gets lonely.

I get lonely when there's three of us.

I feel sorry for her, she's my best friend.

Plus she's in love with
my boyfriend, but then everyone is.

I'm not.
I don't like him.

- You've never met him.
- Instinct.

Plus the fact he's called Gerald.

And Ruby needs someone
she stands a chance with.

What about your friends?

Is there anyone that's... lonely?

Not that lonely.

You need to get some oil on that thing.

Your sprockets are worn.
It's disgusting.

- Look at your hands.
- Yeah, they get like that.

- I see yours are clean.
- I have to handle people's groceries.

I bet Gerald's are clean.

Gerald is executive material.
He's licensed to be clean.

It's nice to see you two
getting off to a good start.

I was hoping you could be friends.

- She dislikes me.
- She doesn't dislike you.

- Yes, I do.
- Ruby, you need to meet new people.

Yeah, and win them over with your charm.

Do you know what?
I'll thump you in a minute.

See what I mean?

You shouldn't be with this person.

He's not your type.

- He eats meat.
- Only at meals.

I am returning this, Granville.

You're returning Mr Newbold?

No, no, no...

Only if persuaded by the right person.

No, I found Mr Newbold in possession
of unidentified beans.

The people's favourite in Ulaanbaatar?

I just thought I'd try a tin.

Impulsive, I agree,
but hardly a character flaw.

You see, he has this... this reckless
drive for the new experience.

It's all I can do to keep him
at arm's length.

Manky Beans, Granville.

Now why would a person with your flair
for business be handling Manky Beans?

Genghis Khan never went anywhere

without his tin of Manky Beans,
Mrs Featherstone.

I bought them.

I was rather looking forward
to sampling them.

No, you weren't.
You had second thoughts.

Second thoughts?

You never told me I'd had second thoughts.

You're going to have to warn me,
Delphine, when I finished the first.

He can be very trying sometimes.

In fact, he's very trying most of the time.

But I am a rock when
I'm thinking of you, Granville.

One returned can of Manky Beans.

Yes, but can we be certain
that he bought them here?

Where else in the universe
is he going to find Manky Beans?

Any reputable grocer in Ulaanbaatar.

Abducted by aliens?

Except on Tuesdays, when they all
go to bingo in vintage buses.

And not only with drivers...

with conductresses giving out tickets.

And he reckons he's not dreaming.

Mind you, half the men round here
have no idea when they're dreaming.

Might I remind you
that man's ability to dream

is the very quality
that lifted him from ignorance.

I know, and it's that very quality

that enabled you to walk nose-first
into that glass door.

I though it were open.

No, that was your mouth.

I have to keep me mouth open.

I have to be ready in case you ever

stop long enough for me to get a word in.

Being with you two
is amazingly like being at home.

He's still mad at me cos I won't go camping.

Mine's the same.
A firm no to a tent.

She says,
"Where are we going to leave mother?"

And I keep telling her, "Out in the
wilderness, miles from anywhere.

"There'd be a dozen places
where we can leave your mother."

That's just nasty.

It's just a dream.

But mine would include Tuesdays.

You're as bad as him.

I don't believe in alien life.

I can't think there's anyone
anywhere stranger than us.

Well, I believe in higher intelligences.

And what's more, I bet they go camp...

Good day to you, Mr Machin.

Not being abducted by aliens today then?

Never on Tuesdays.

So it's true?

Does it matter?
Nobody believes me.

That's probably because Mrs Machin said

that you never leave your bed.

They don't understand the astrophysics.

Ha, no, they should have asked.

- What, you're familiar with astrophysics?
- Yes, yes.

What do they call this, er,
alien planet then?

Leyland.

The Planet Leyland, right.
Is it far?

Well, just past the northern lights,
you make a left.

These people are very human-like.

That's hardly a recommendation,
though, is it?

They're not little green men.

What do they look like?

Just like bus drivers
and conductresses from the s.

The women look fabulous in the old
Yorkshire Traction company uniforms.

And nobody believes you?

I think I can help you there.

How would you like to make a personal
appearance and tell your stories?

- Well, who to?
- Well, to all your space-mad fans, you know?

There's a big market these days.

You turn up with your stories
and I'll provide the venue.

Why do you want to go on a camping holiday?

You could go in the garden
and get nettled and bitten.

You're forgetting the back nature element.

The recapturing of those primitive
skills that are still in our genes.

I think...
I must have mislaid mine.

I like a warm bathroom.

We'll be in the wilderness.

Welcome to my world.

The wilderness is a man thing.

You don't take wives.

Of course you take wives.

That's where they learn that when
they hear that noise in the night

that you are the rock they can cling to.

I don't suppose you offer
any continental meats?

Which continent, madam?

Well, Europe. Italian, French?

Well, we do keep a few special items for
the more discerning customer. Do come in.

Good.

I was just passing and I thought,
"Well, it's worth a try.

"Save me going all the way
to a proper shop."

What would you like, madam?

Smoked sausage.

Yes, we have pepperoni and we have salami.

No, no, no, no.
Smoked sausage.

Dear, I was afraid you'd have none.

Well, you see,

we discontinued that line when the
new and improved version came along.

They've improved the smoked sausage?

Yes, ma'am, by leaps and bounds.

Let me show you.

That doesn't look smoked.

No, that's because it's not smoked, madam.

What we have here is the latest
refinement in continental meats.

Well, if it's not smoked, what is it?

Smacked, madam.

These are smacked sausages.

You see, it tenderises the meat
and enhances the flavour.

- Smacked?
- Yes.

Not by anybody - no - by a professional,

and they have to have served
a long apprenticeship

with a senior sausage smacker.

Well, I've never heard of this.
Is it something new?

Well, it is to us, but it is
an old Lithuanian delicacy.

If you ever go to Vilniusyat,

you will often hear them
smacking their sausages

and singing
their little Lithuanian hearts out.

- Well, it sounds enchanting.
- Yes, it is rather.

- I shall take half a kilo.
- Thank you, madam, half a kilo,

and you will want the Manky Beans
to go with that, of course.

Absolument.

Bring it down, John.

Look, before you start,

Gerald has no interest in me.

Well, he probably thinks you're a fella.

I just don't do the helpless female act.

I've noticed that.

Look, what is it you want?
I've got work to do.

Question is, Ruby, what do you want?

And it's Gerald, isn't it?

So what are you doing about it?

He belongs to Beth.

He takes her for granted,

he needs someone who's going to
treat him tougher.

Which will be me?

Well, look at you.
You're ideal.

Look, she's my best friend.

So you want her wasting her life on
some doofus who doesn't really care?

He is not a doofus.

My mistake.

Planet Leyland?

It's just past the northern lights
and you turn left.

Well, it sounds as if he's turned
a bit more than left.

They're all aliens in bed.

His wife insists that
he's never actually left the bed.

I could never get mine up either.

So, according to Eric,
which is unreliable in the extreme,

the Planet Leyland runs
on a different time to ours.

That's just like Gastric.
He still hasn't finished my boiler.

So Mr Machin claims that the aliens
abduct him in their time

but, in our time, he's still in his bed.

Does that mean he goes all the way
to another planet in his pyjamas?

I thought it was cold in space.

Well, I hope they give him a space suit.

- I mean, he can't just go in his pyjamas.
- I don't know.

Mr Newbold's pyjamas
are thick enough for space travel.

And if you're wondering how I know,

I have been present on occasions
when he's been ironing them.

And, er, have you ever been tempted
to iron a few creases out for him?

Well, I don't regard respectable
widowhood a suitable platform

for the handling of gentlemen's pyjamas,

even if they are thick enough
for space travel.

I wonder why they only abduct Mr Machin.

They've never been interested in our Eric.

How are you today, Mrs Rossi?

Fragile.
There's no cure.

It comes from being abandoned by an Italian.

They like other women.

Did nobody tell you
that Italian men like women?

Yes, but I didn't think it meant them all.

It was beyond my experience.

I captained the girls' hockey team.

What kind of training is that
for tackling a Latin?

What have you got that's interesting?

Well, nothing that comes close
to an Italian.

You're right.

He was almost worth it.

Are these good?

You won't find better.

I'll take one.

"Manky Beans"?

Yes, it means...

delizioso.

That's what I need, Granville.
Some delizioso.

Then you'd better take two.

_

I don't know which more unlikely.

Galactic travel or Manky Beans.

Manky is classical ancient Mongolian,

meaning scrumptious.

You've bought one, haven't you?

You believed him.

He's talked you into a tin.

I like scrumptious.

I had one briefly.
What do they taste like?

Well, they're not too bad,

if you like Mongolian.

She's been feeding you Manky Beans?

Gives you some idea where I stand in
the great flux of things.

Me and Kath have had
our differences over the years,

but she'd never feed me Manky Beans.

- I've got some questions for him.
- Hey...

So you believe in Planet Leyland?

Well, not exactly.

But if Mrs Featherstone
becomes any more domineering...

I'd like the address.

It were only one tin.

_

Tin signing?

You're supposed to sign books.

It's Granville.
He's ahead of the game.

Why are we whispering?

We're not exactly whispering,

just taking advantage of a quiet
moment before the rush begins.

So, er...

you wouldn't be trying to get me
into an empty tent?

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Come on, we never get five minutes alone,

we're either in the library
or coffee shop or with a crowd.

We've never been with a crowd.

Ruby is a crowd.

Ooh, what's that?

Yeah, come on, let's get you inside,
I think it's going to rain.

- What makes you think it's going to rain?
- Trust me, instinct.

- Hello, Beth.
- Hello, Mavis.

- Who's minding the shop?
- I could ask you that.

That was the shop bell,
my ears are tuned to the shop bell.

We were just looking
for the best place to sign a tin.

Yes. Come along, Mavis. Thank you.
Thank you. All right.

- Don't trust him.
- Get inside.

He's as bad as you are.

No, come on, me and him work long hours,

you've got to snatch
every moment you can, I...

Come on, Beth...

That's why I haven't seen you.

Another moment you snatched?

She was in my class
for conversational Spanish.

Ole.

No, come on...

What do you mean he can't come?

He's lost his nerve.

He's had to go to the bus museum,

there's an old double decker
he likes to talk to.

They've been friends for years.

But Leroy's out there advertising,
I mean, it's all arranged.

I'm sorry.

Well, where am I going to find
another space traveller

at this late hour?

Hello, Gastric.

You're very handy
with your tools, aren't you?

I wonder if you could make me something
that looks like a space suit?

What size?

I don't know. About your size?

Get your tin hand signed.
Meet the space traveller.

Hear the wonders in Planet Leyland.

Only at Arkwright's.

Looking good, Beth.

Shut that thing off.

When can I see you?

Can I give you a lift?

You didn't like the Chinese thing.
I thought you'd like this better.

The person walking away is called Beth.

She's involved with the wrong man.

Please raise your hand if you think
she should pay more attention to me,

an honest, hard-working,
better-looking alternative.

What are you...

Nice queue forming out there.

- How long's this going to take?
- Well, that's up to you, isn't it?

You know, rush them through, couple
of questions, sign their tins,

move them on.

What kind of questions?

Well, all about your space adventures

and what life is like on Planet Leyland.

I can see a snag here.

No, just relax,
you'll be all right, just relax.

I'd relax better
if I'd fixed Madge's boiler.

All right, well, look, the sooner
that you sign all of those tins,

the sooner you can get back
to Madge's boiler.

- Right.
- Now, what I want you to do is a spacewalk,

cos they all do this space walk, don't they?

That's on the moon.
Not...

They walk normal here on earth.

This is showbiz, luvvy.

I want the Manky Bean buyers to get
their full money's worth?

There's a novelty.

Listen...
Excuse me, excuse me.

I want them to think he's just
come back from space, right?

So he hasn't had time
to get rid of his spacewalk.

Authentic, you see, only at Arkwright's.

Right, er, Gastric,
let us see your spacewalk.

- What are you doing?
- A moonwalk.

Look, there's not enough room
in here, is there?

Why don't you get the rest of
your kit on and we'll go outside?

Right, it's all clear, come on.

You're on.
Planet Leyland.

That's fantastic.
I've never seen a better spacewalk.

Ho, they're going to love you.

Where is he?

Houston, we have a problem.

Is he in there?

What are you doing in there?

What about my boiler?

It's been a wearying sort of day,

especially wearing that space suit.

I must have signed
six dozen tins of Manky Beans.

Ooh, they asked some tricky questions.

"How do they make love
on Planet Leyland?"

Well, same as on Planet Earth,

except you have to ring a bell
when it comes to your stop.