05x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

These tinned smoked oysters aren't selling.

They're a luxury item.
They won't move fast.

They're moving fast towards
their sell-by date.

- What you looking at?
- I'm not looking at anything.

I'm standing here thinking deep thoughts.

About Mavis?

About how to improve the business.

And then about Mavis.

OK.
You going to share these thoughts?

Not about Mavis, no.

About the business.

What we need is a wider customer base, right?

We need to reach out more.

What we need is a larger
advertising footprint.

What we need is to make an impact.

What we need is...

Gastric.

Why would we need Gastric?

I don't know, but he got here quick.

Yes. He's putting
in a new plug for us.

You're good to go, job's a good 'un.
All sorted.

You do know there's mouse
down there, don't you?

Yes, that's Mabel, she's got a bad leg.

- Mabel.
- Yes.

- Count your fingers.
- They're fine.

- You're in denial about that till.

- I talk to this till.
- Yeah, I know.

And I think they should
increase your medication.

We understand each other.

We communicate?

Would you like to come out on your
own for a little look round?

All right. Come on, then.

There, there you are.
Would you like to go back home now?

Good, go on, then.

No.
Thank you.

- All right, where do you want her?
- Bring her in.

- You sure?
- Yeah, bring her in.

Right.

All right, all right.
Take her back out.

But you said bring her in.

Yes, I have made an executive
reassessment, so take her out.

Right.

Why did you bother?

That is our larger advertising footprint.

Hey, shush, go on,
don't be rough. Handle her gently.

Love your balloon.

She used to fly above Honest Harry's
Low Mileage Motors,

till he went bankrupt and he did a runner.

Did a lot for him, then, didn't she?

And, listen, this curvy creature

will introduce Arkwright's

to a much wider world.

Expecting much trade from
low flying aircraft?

No, but when she is in position,

they will be able to see her
from the main road.

Hey, come out the way.
There's a customer.

Out of the way for the cust...
Sorry, Madam. Sorry.

You can't get the staff, can you?

Well... Well, don't just stand there.
Get after it.

Go on.

Look, come on, carry on.
Get up, come on.

It's only me.
Where are you?

Are you decent?

There you are.

Stamping again.
That won't get you a six pack.

- Good morning, Delphine.
- It is. The sky is blue,

the birds are singing and Granville
is playing with a balloon.

What is it with you men?

You're right, a bonnie day, you
should be out enjoying it.

Don't let me deprive you.
I'll be fine here.

You call that fine?

Hunched over a Penny Black,
your muscles wasting.

There isn't all that much left
I had in mind for them to do.

Nonsense.
You're still a relatively young man.

Still, dare I say it...

hot to trot.

Delphine...

don't you value the quiet life?

Well, yes, of course I do, but
that doesn't mean we can't go

somewhere and raise some smoke.

You go. I'll stay and check
my irregular perforations.

Maybe it's your body clock.

You see, it could be that your
hormones are still in sleep mode.

I gave up hormones when I
joined the bowling club.

It's not a rule, but...

Can I tempt you with anything else, then?

No.

That's a big N-O, negative, full stop.

He means no.

I've seen him when he's like this.

He's immovable.

It's borderline awesome.

He means no and I think it's
pretty fair to say that's unanimous.

I'm going to mention one name.
Wong Tzu.

Sounds like two names.

Yes, I know, but in Chinese, you know,

it's in the future evocative tense.
Do you follow me?

The future evocative, aye, aye.
It's one of me favourites.

How do you spell Wong Tzu?

Is it vital that you know?

Since you're going to con us, we
might as well make you work for it.

Very well.

It's capital W-o-n-g,

capital T-z-u.

- Z-u?
- Yes, Z-me.

Wong Tzu was a th century Chinese sage.

Knew his onions, did he?

- I wish I hadn't said that.
- You're under pressure. We all are.

And do you know why?

According to Wong Tzu,
your electrochemical balance

is all out of whack,

which means that you two are
an emotional basket case.

For which, I bet you have the cure.

Er, no.

But Wong Tzu had the cure..

Roysters.

We nearly had her there.

I nearly had her,
I don't know where you were.

- Hey up, you're younger than me.
- Not anymore.

He'll go crackers,
if you've lost his balloon.

I've lost his balloon?

I heard that.
I'll tell him you confessed.

Come on...
Dig deep, Gastric...

It's in you, son.
Come on..

You asked me, what was Wong Tzu famous for?

- No, we didn't.
- You didn't?

- No.
- I could've sworn.

Well, anyway, he was famous
for the power of his thought.

He d*ed tragically, very suddenly.

Well, if he d*ed tragically suddenly,

that doesn't sound all that thoughtful.

Wong Tzu was on a pilgrimage
to the mystical mountain.

Now, it was very high and it was very steep

and they used to test
the height of it by dropping peasants.

So, they could time how long
it took before they heard a...

- thump?
- Exactly.

They were superb mathematicians, you know.

Aye. Not great at looking
after peasantry, though.

What happened to Wong Tzu?

Well, he was sitting, you know,
cross-legged, meditating

at the bottom of the mountain when somebody
up there dropped off a peasant.

Went wahey, right down, straight
on top of him, stone dead.

What happened to the peasant?

- You really need to know, don't you?
- I'm a detail man.

History does not record.

Typical.

- Forget about the little guy.
- Yeah.

All right, then. Come on.
Give us an example of the power

of thought of Wong Tzu.

Keep it simple, don't get over technical.

Wong Tzu ran a string of Chinese laundries

that could clean clothes by meditation alone.

No detergents required,

environmentally friendly.

Hey, how did that work?

He used to think them clean.

You could see the dirt leaving.

Power of thought.

Course, the secret d*ed with him.

What followed was a bleak period
of grubby Chinese linen.

It was known as

the Great Clean Underwear Famine.

I haven't seen Gastric this morning.

He's just gone past.
In a bit of a hurry, for Gastric.

- Ooh, I never heard the car.
- He was on foot, running.

What?
Gastric?

Running straight past, didn't even wave?

Only at Leroy.
Looked like he was chasing Leroy.

I wonder if Leroy has said something

amiss about me and Gastric's
not having it, bless him.

Leroy wouldn't say anything wrong about you.

Well, if he did, it'd be nice to
think that Gastric was after him.

- Did he look fierce?
- He looked shattered.

- They both looked shattered.
- Sounds like it's to the finish, then.

When he's roused,
that Gastric'll go all the way.

There came to Wong Tzu
in his cave in the forest

a pilgrim seeking enlightenment.

He wanted to know why his
oysters weren't working.

When you say "working"...

Well, you do know that, oysters have this,

you know, reputation.

I knew that.

Well, Wong Tzu had a formula

that greatly improved the potency
of the oyster.

He did it by adding certain ingredients.

So Wong Tzu came up with the Royster.

That is the oyster with the "R" booster.

What's the "R" for?

Well, in Chinese, it means whoo-whoa.

Yeah, but it says "oysters"...

On the tin.
"Smoked oysters".

There's nothing on here
that says "Roysters".

No, they don't put it on the label,
do they, cos they don't need to.

Cos regular users of Roysters

know a tin of Roysters when they hear it.

I know I shouldn't ask this.

I mean experience tells
me not to ask this, but...

Well, go on, then.
How do they hear it?

Allow me.
Right...

Yes, there it is.
There it is.

Listen carefully...

How do they get the squeak in the tin?

Questions, questions...
Always questions.

Whatever happened to simple trust?

Wait.

It's almost worth it for the
sheer nerve of the lies he spins.

We've been conned again.

I'm not admitting to that.
We heard a squeak in the shop.

I don't know how he did it, but he did it.

They're not squeaking now.

Maybe there's only there's enough
juice for a couple of squeaks,

then they have to recharge.

What? You're suggesting
they've lost their power?

We've bought two tins of electrified
oysters and they're flat.

Roysters.
We bought two tins of Roysters.

- And they're flat and all.
- Only their squeaks.

You said electrified oysters.

I like that.

Maybe they can electrify our lives a little.

Let's see what the dictionary
has to say about Roysters.

Royster...

To royster means to revel,

corral, frolic, romp...

To have fun.

Hey, that's it.

That's what we've been looking for.

Aye.

Done.

One, no sugar.

And how is Mr Newbold?

Ooh, lethargic.

Sometimes I can't distinguish
between him and any flat surface.

Maybe he just needs a wipe.

Ooh, he's got lovely manners.

I bet even when he's silent, he's polite.

Sometimes, you need more,
within bounds, of course.

You sound as if you'd rather he
was performing leaps and bounds.

I'm not looking for exercise, just some
evidence he could cope if he had to.

I can't visualise Mr Newbold
rushing, even in an emergency.

No, no. It is hard.

I bet he's brilliant at funerals.

I see him as a calming presence.

Just what you need as your fantasy figure.

- Ooh, now it's coming out.
- No, it isn't.

Not for more than the two hottest
nights in any one year.

Ooh, I'm sorry I'm late.

I would've been here earlier,
but Eric surprised me with a

- mid-morning snack.
- Ooh, that was nice of him.

You're an innocent.
I like it, but he's up to something.

Suspicion,
always a good basis to start from.

Up to something?
With a mid-morning snack?

- Have I missed something?
- Just about everything.

You see, you've got to be on your
guard when they start being nice,

until you find out what they're hiding.

Thank you.
Sit down, he says, rest your feet,

I've made you a coffee.

Dear. That must've
been unsettling.

But then he said how about these on toast?

Tinned, smoked oysters.

I'm missing something else, aren't I?

What have you done?

About mile an hour down Clifton Street.

It went under a car.

It's a balloon,
it's supposed to be in the air.

Well, what are you...

Hey up.

- Do you know what that reminds me of?
- No.

My domestic life.

I'm sorry...

They don't like your tinned smoked oysters.

But did you tell them about
the tinned smoked oyster diet?

For rapid weight loss.

- It's another approach.
- He could be throwing us a lifeline.

- We could mention it casually.
- Sounds like a plan.

There you go, try that.

Don't move away. Look at me.
I rode all this way on a Chinese bicycle.

And I hope you parked the
damn thing out of sight.

How many people would pedal
a Chinese bicycle through storm and

- flood just to get to a library?
- Such a thirst for education.

What are you doing about Ruby?

If I stamped you out, could I
take you home for two weeks?

You were going to find someone for Ruby.
We were meant to be going out as a foursome.

I don't have any friends
that I dislike enough.

I'll have to go. There's someone
waiting to get their book stamped.

No, no. Ok.
Hey, Beth. Beth, Ok, Ok.

I'll find someone,
even if he never forgives me.

It's been a pleasure to serve you, madam.

We aim for the complete shopping
experience, so,

you know,
please tell your friends. Thank you.

Right, Mr Newbold.
Stand there while I make enquiries.

- Enquiries?
- Oysters, Granville.

Show me your oysters.

I don't eat oysters.

No, these are not just for eating.
These are a powerful dietary supplement.

- Am I not right Granville?
- So you've heard, then?

It's the talk of the district.

Arkwright's is the go-to place for
the ultimate oyster experience.

Call me.
We can share a tin.

Slimy things.

You don't know whether to swallow or chew.

They're tinned.
You chew.

Not to be shared with strangers.
Only friends.

How long have we been friends, Granville?

Why do you avoid eating oysters, Mr Newbold?

They're full of oil.

It's a messy job opening the tin
and it's all downhill from there.

Listen to him.
He needs a jump start.

We'll take two.

And, um, one to put aside
for you and I later.

Well, best of luck resuscitating that.

Well it's worth a try.
I can't keep buying new.

You bought that one second hand.

At an extremely reasonable price.

Well, I wouldn't plan on reselling it.

Hey. Now, don't let it get away again.

Right.

Good day to you, sir.

Hello, um, I'm assuming you
would be the proprietor.

Yes. At your service, sir.

Does the name Dawlish ring a bell?

Not immediately, no.
Would that be you, sir?

No, no. I'm Teasdale.
The Dawlish chap's a friend of mine,

um, came in here a while back...

Said it was a memorable experience.

Well...
We do aim to please, sir, yes.

Never stops talking about it.

Claims you put his marriage back on track.

- Yaggis.
- Beg your pardon?

Um... I'm sure he said yaggis.

You sold him a rather interesting
species of cured sausage.

Yes. The old yaggis.

- Full of natural vitamins.
- That sounds like it.

- Puts the springtime back in a winter marriage.
- That's the one.

Comes in two flavours,
medium and hold onto your hat.

- I'll take some of each.
- We're out.

- Well, isn't that always the case?
- However...

Go on.
Go on, I'm snatching at his "however".

We have replaced yaggis

with something far more portable.

Fits in your pocket, goes with you anywhere.

Roysters.

It's hideous.

- I'll just say ugly. You get used to ugly.
- No.

I think it's a face that
now shows more character.

All bad.

No, it looks as though
it's seen life, you know,

that's more lived in.

Think of him that comes in
from Cooper Street.

All right, let out the rope.
Let's see her go, go on.

- Right.
- Careful.

Ready?

That's it, up she goes.

It's going to frighten children and dogs.

Well, they shouldn't be up there.

I wish Madge could see this,
so she'd know if ever she needed

a balloon mending...

Did you try the oysters?

I slipped him a few in a sandwich,
with no apparent results.

Mrs Evans was complaining that her husband
was flirting with the idea of buying a tin.

It's very unnerving when they suddenly
develop an interest in shellfish.

They're in extra virgin olive oil,

it seems to me they're
sending mixed signals.

They say it's never too late
to learn new tricks.

I think Mr Newbold is cutting it a bit fine.

Well, Mrs Evans said she was
raised on tinned red salmon,

but she's willing to try smoked oysters.

I thought Mr Evans was chapel.

That's great.
It works.

Right, you can't see the damage.
She's looking good.

I hope that Madge is watching.

That's Gastric, she'll be thinking,
the balloon man.

I hope half the town is looking.

- There you go...
- Right.

All right. Turn round,
turn back, go on...

It's going that way,
we've got to go that way.

Right.
Look, it's up there.

That's the key message
of this campaign for safer neighbourhoods...

be alert...

Our most important w*apon is vigilance.

Look out of your windows.

- Be on your guard.
- If you see a suspicious face...

If you see something out of the ordinary...

be sure to let us know and I
promise we will not let you down.

I'm sure I speak for everyone
on the team when I say...

if you see a suspicious face,
be sure to let us know.

It's been a good day for ruining
your balloons.

On the other hand, that Mr Teasdale
cleaned me out of roysters.

I wonder how Mr Newbold
is going on with his.

"Put one aside for me and you,"
she says and she gives me that smile.

Granville, you stared into the eye
of the serpent and it's terrifying.

Well.
Good night, all our customers.

Especially Mr Teasdale.
A man on a mission.