04x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

(MAGICAL TINKLING)

Hey, little cuzzie!

Yeah, I heard
you lost your tooth, eh?

(LAUGHS) Too deadly! Whoo!

Man, youse a big fella now.
Yeah. Look at you. Now listen up.

You give me your little tooth
and I'll give you a whole dollar!

Yeah, ha-ha! Yes!

Nah. It's just that payday
not till next week.

And your boy here,
he a little bit strapped for cash.

I mean, like,
money is tight right now, bro.

I mean, it's criminal

what the Department
for Fairy friggin' Finances

pay their staff, true God!

I mean, I gotta spend all my money
on these gammon little wings here.

I was thinking, maybe I could
borrow some money from you

and pay you back
after next week payday?

Ya! Thank you, my brother.

Now, I seen where your nan hide
that tin of coins under her bed,

all her poker winnings, eh?

You reckon you could sneak in there
real sly way and grab it for me?

Go, my boy! Yes!

Be stealthy! Make us wealthy!

Be stealthy!
Make us wealthy!

Be stealthy! Make us wealthy!

Uh-uh! Ooh! Mmm... mmm, mmm...

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(SIGHS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

Sorry. I think
I'm in the wrong place. (LAUGHS)

WOMAN: Wait!

I'm sure you're in the right place.

Um, is this
the Indigenous Support Centre?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

You are home, brother.

For you...

..from us.

For real?

What is your name, brother?

Uh...

..uh, it's Shane.

No, brother. We don't refer to
the white man's identification.

Around here, we refer to each other
by our totems.

Mine's Red Fox.

What's yours?

(SIGHS)

Uh, it's, uh, Frilled-Neck Lizard.
(LAUGHS)

So pure!

I shall call you Frilly.

Actually, 'Shane' is just...
Come, Frilly.

Let me introduce you
to the rest of the mob.

Everyone, this is Frilly.

OTHERS: Hello, Frilly.

Hey. Hey, brother.

How are you? It's good to see
a familiar face around here.

Uh, I seen you outside
on the poster.

I'm Shane, by the way.

Hey, brother. I'm Steven.

Bruz?
Yeah.

Listen to me very carefully.
Go on.

You need to get the f*ck
out of here.

Just get the f*ck out!
Huh?

(GROANS)
(THUD!)

Hey, Aunty. How's it going?

Good, nephew. How ya ring been?

Yeah, good. Good.

Now, nephew,
Coles got biggest mob of specials

this week in their catalogue.

And I want you to go and get me
all them thing

I been circled on that page there
with all them coins.

Oh, Aunty, I'm a bit shame, eh,

to go into Coles
with all that loose change.

What do ya mean, ya shame? It's
all friggin' money! They don't care.

It's such a tragedy when grown man
act like small boy with caca bum.

I'm not a small boy
with caca bum.

(SIGHS)

Alright, alright. I'll... I'll go
and get your stuff from Coles, then.

And when you get home, I want you
to go to ATM and draw out $ .

And hit me in the guts with it!
Bingo on tonight.

Oh, and because
you're my favourite nephew,

go get yourself
cent worth of mixed lolly.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Oh, that rain! Holy...! (GRUNTS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Alright, you little pissants,

who can tell me
what you're here for, eh?

Who? Hm?

Unc, I thought you were helping us
out with our homework, eh?

Homework?! What?! Homework!

Alright, then, first lesson!

X plus Z divided by G equals...

..shut up
your motherfuckin' mouth up!

You here
for apocalypse training, boy!

World's about to end!

And I'm gonna teach you
how to bust zombies up.

What do you know about
surviving and fighting, Uncle?

You never been out bush before.
Girl!

I been training ever since you was
doing backstroke in your dad's bags.

I been watching Bruce Lee,
Jet Li, Jackie Chan,

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson.

I'm like a Navy SEAL
heavyweight boxing ninja!

Oh, alright, then.
Well, show us something, then, Unc.

Oh, you want to see something?
Yeah.

You want to see something? Eh?
Yeah, yeah.

You want to see?
Go on, then.

Alright, alright.
Move out of the way.

(PUFFS) Hoo-ah!

Boo-yah!

(GRUNTS AND YELLS BATTLE CRIES)

Grab their balls! Chuck their balls!
(BITES)

Alright. Now, let's...
let's do it for real.

Ando, get out here. Come out here.

Now, what ya gonna do
if a zombie coming at you, like,

"Arggh! I'm gonna
eat your brains, f*ck ya"?

Run away, eh?
(CHUCKLES) Nice.

Yeah. That's what you do.

If you're a little bitch!

But if you're like me,
you do a secret ninja move...

(GRUNTS)

..twist his head off, one twist.

Show you how we do this.

Alright, Ando. Come on.

You be the zombie. Come hit me.
You want me to hit you?

Have a go. Yes.
Are you sure, Unc?

Come on. Come on. You can try.

(GROANS)

You right, Unc?

You broke my nose, ya bastard!
What did you do that for?

I'm sorry, Unc.
You told me to hit you.

Yeah, but I said be a zombie,
you stupid hole!

They don't move that fast!
They move like this here, look.

Don't you watch the movies? (GROANS)
Sorry, Unc.

Do some push-ups! Where's the medic?

(GROANS)
(LAUGHS)

Oi, bruz! Wake up!

Oh! Far out.

I thought they k*lled you, eh?

Oh...

What the hell is going on?

Where are we?
Bruz, keep it down.

Or they'll come back!

This place...

..it's messed up.

It's not what it looks like.

It's a front.

They pretend to help blackfellas
in uni, but, really, it's a scam.

They control everything, bruz.

Who? Who controls everything?

This mob!

We're just here
to line their pockets, bruz.

Black equals cash.

I don't understand.

They use us to promote the
multicultural agenda of universities

to advance their
ideological agenda of diversity.

That's the way. Perfect.

Give... give us one of those
good traditional, you know, poses.

Yeah, that's the one!

STEVEN: They find us, capture us,
put us on print, pamphlets,

billboards and alumni magazines.

They wheel us out for dinners

and take photos of us smiling
with all the other diverse students.

But it's not real. It's just a show!
(CAMERA CLICKS)

It's all a lie!

Uh... how... how has
no-one found about this, then?

They're like the Illuminati,
a... a secret society.

What?!
Disloyalty is punishable by death.

Or worse!

All the universities are in on it.

I can't do it anymore, bruz.

There's only so many high teas
you can go to.

I'm developing diabetes from
all the... the scones and the jam.

I'm doing , ,
'welcome to countries' a day!

Always was...

..always will be.

STEVEN: They follow me / ,
taking photos of me

with all the multicultural students.

But I'm starting to get PTSD, bruz.

PTSD!

Where are the others?

(PANTS)

No! What?!

(PANTS)

No!

Wait. Wait. Oh! Bruz, bruz!

I might be able to get us free.

I might be able to
cut... cut... cut the rope.

And if... if I cut the rope, I might
be able to get us both out of here.

I can't...
Bruz!

..I can't count how many
morning tea presentations

and 'welcome to countries'
they've used me for.

I'm not even from here, bruz!
I'm not even from here!

Bruz, be quiet! Be quiet!
(MOANS)

Be quiet!
I can't even play basketball

Shut your hole!
(HYPERVENTILATES)

Well...

..fancy seeing you here.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

VOICEOVER: .

The Wurra Murra tribe,
near Ipswich way, were meeting up

to discuss the shared
responsibilities of the tribe,

'cause some mob
weren't pulling their weight.

But a core member of the tribe,
Yurramoo, was minutes late.

When Yurramoo showed up,

Wingamore, the tribe leader,
asked why he was so late.

Without missing a b*at,
Yurramoo told his tribe

he was running on Murri time,

thus creating a new time zone
for Murris to show up

whenever they're ready,

and creating another great moment
in black history.

Oh, no.
I can't stop thinking about it.

Me too.
Are you sure we're cousins?

Your dad is my Aunt Meb
sissy ma's nephew. We're cousins.

You know, one of the reasons
we had such strict kinship laws

was to stop,
like, inbreeding, but...

..I don't plan
on breeding with you tonight.

I don't plan
on breeding with you full stop!

So maybe we could just, like,

forget that we're cousins
and kiss a little bit.

We could totally kiss.

(LAUGHS)

OK, maybe we should
put in some boundaries,

just in case we get, like, a
little excited and, like, you know.

Totally. OK, so, kissing.

Good.
Alright.

What about second base?
Upstairs or downstairs?

(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)

Um, both.

Well, you can't get pregnant
with a finger, right?

Right! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)

But third base is a no-no?

Well, if you can't get pregnant
with a finger,

you can't get pregnant
with a mouth, right?

Right.

So if third base does comes up,
we should just, like, do it.

You reckon?
(GULPS)

I reckon.

Oh!

Except...
What?

I have...

What?

..protection.

Oh.

I'm just saying that if we're
talking about not having babies,

then if we used the protection,
we'd be protected.

Totally!
Then let's do it.

We'll just pretend
that we're not cousins

or, like, we're white people
from Tasmania or something.

Like role-play.
Yeah.

People role-play all the time.
All the time.

Let's do this.
Let's do this.

No. OK. I need Listerine.
Listerine! Quick!

Oh, my God, that was disgusting!
I can't believe...

BOTH: I just kissed my cousin!
(SCREAMS AND SPITS)

Look, Mama, a chocolate man.

(THINKS) What the hell?
Why would you say that, you idiot?!

Oh, no. OK.
He's gonna k*ll me. sh*t!

Why would I even think that?!
I mean, black people have kids.

I'm not saying
they have too many kids.

They have
the perfect amount of kids.

I mean, yeah, black people
tend to have bigger families,

but that's just because
they have more love to give.

Because... because
they're loving people.

And how dare I even feel as though
he's gonna react poorly?

This guy definitely has kids,
kids he... he loves and supports.

And that's why he's buying them
some tucker, and he knows...

Oh, my God!
Why would I say 'tucker'?

I never say 'tucker'.
He is going to k*ll me!

(LAUGHS) I wish, kid.

Enjoy your tucker, brother!

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO)

Double seven,
this is Blakforce . Go ahead.

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO)

Sarge, we got a .

We got a . (LAUGHS)

When will these Scotch Fingers ever
learn? Let's go cr*ck some coconuts.

(SIREN HOWLS)
♪ Blakforce, Blak, Blakforce

♪ Whoo-uh-uh
Blakforce, Blak, Blakforce... ♪

Look at this fella.

(PLAYS DIDGEROO BADLY)
What kind, this fella?

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Stop playing the didgeridoo!

Hey, what you mob doing?
I'm not doing nothing wrong here.

Have you got a permit to busk here?

Nope.

Well, that's pretty black.
See?

Told you mob, I'm not doing
no coconut sh*t here.

You're barking up the wrong tree.
Are we?

Yeah.
What do you see up there, son?

(PLAYS INSTRUMENTS AND BEATBOXES)

Thank you!

Eh! Just some gammon whitefella
playing a didj, that's all.

And he's playing
hundred times better than you are.

You're making us
proper shame, brother. Shame!

Shame, bro!
Yeah, man, I'm better than him.

Listen to him.

He's good.

OK, now you give it a go.

(PLAYS BADLY)

Come on, brother. Come on.

Come on. Come on, brother.

Come on, brother. Come on, come on.

Circular breathing.
Circular breathing.

Through the nose, up through
the mouth. Use your diaphragm.

Yeah, I'm trying, I'm trying!
Alright?

Come on, ya...
Ah! Get off!

'Ere, my father was a didj player.
My grandfather was a didj player.

I come from a long line
of proud didgeridoo players.

You come from
a long line of gammon (BLEEP)!

♪ Blakforce, Blak, Blakforce

♪ Whoo-uh-uh... ♪

(SIGHS)

Uncle?

What, nephew?

If I weighed kilos

and then I ate one kilo of prawns,

would that then make me % prawn?

It would, nephew.

I guess it would.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Here, bro.
Stacy's looking good tonight, eh?

Might have a cr*ck.
Go for it, brother.

Last time we at Bernie's,
she all over you.

Oh, sh*t.

What?
James is here.

Who James?
He's my boy.

He's just a little bit
full-on sometimes.

Oi, Frank!
Hey! Brud! How are ya?

Hey! Good, brother. Which way?

Yeah, good. Hey.

This is my bro, Vince.
Hey, bruz.

Where you from?
Willie-Willie mob.

Dawson River Murri.

Hey! Nice meeting you, Vince.

(BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGH)

What you mob drinking?
Yeah, just some beers, eh?

Really, Frank? Alcohol?

The liquid the colonisers introduced
to poison our brothers and sisters,

that thrusted our mob into
alcohol abuse for hundreds of years,

and you're just gonna stand there
and drink it

like nothing even matters,
like alcohol-related deaths

in Aboriginal communities
isn't at an all-time high.

Well, what are you drinking?

I'm drinking kava, brother.
All-natural.

What us mob drink up in TI.

More relaxing, makes the mouth
a little numb, and best of all,

no white dog coloniser fingerprints
been on this beverage.

Hey. (LAUGHS) Hey, Vince.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Um, uh, I was wondering if you
wanted to come for a dance or...

Oh, wow! Real original.

The little white girl wants
the black man to dance for her.

I got news for you, lady. Our
culture is not your entertainment.

Oh, no, I didn't want to watch him
dance. I wanted to dance with him.

(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Oh! Well, let me tell you
something, Stacy.

Vince don't want
some skinny little white girl.

He wants a black queen,
to keep our bloodline strong.

So stop trying
to k*ll our race, Stacy!

Yep.
Can you believe her?!

(SOBS)

That's a shame.

Look, James, I...
think you need to relax a bit, eh?

Hey, I understand you're passionate
about a lot of things, and...

..bruz, we're with you, but...
we're at a party, man!

I'm not saying not to speak
your mind, but just take it easy,

'cause... being a bit full-on.

Yeah. Yeah, alright, man. I feel ya.
I'll... I'll try to relax.

Hey. Cheers, bruz.
Chill out. We're at a party.

Guys, you're not gonna believe this!

Chris Lilley just showed up!

Chris Lilley! Oi, Chris!

Let's get the f*ck out of here.

Yep. True God.
Yeah. Yeah. This party blows.

So, Steven, we're going to need you
to be on your best behaviour again.

In a few hours, you'll be meeting
with some of our wealthy donors

who've been very generous
to the university over the years.

And we're going to need skin names.
No!

Yes, Steven, yes.

(STEVEN SOBS)

So, are you gonna be
on your best behaviour, Steven?

(SOBS)

What was that, Steven? Was that
a yes? I hope that was a yes.

Because the university really needs
a new auditorium, Steven,

and some skin names will go
a long way to getting them for us.

Yes.

Yes!

(ROPES RUB)

RED FOX: Oi, oi, oi.

What's going on here?

Uh, nothing.

Our new recruit
trying to make a run for it?

No.

Well, I'm sorry,
my little black diamond,

but you're not going anywhere.

I'll come back for you, brother,
I promise! I promise! I promise!

Get back here, you bastard!
Run, brother, run!

R...

..un.

So, I was at the pub last night.
Which pub?

I don't know.
Standard?

No.
Stolly's?

No!
Junction?

Just let her finish
the f*ckin' story, Tyrone.

Alright! Mea culpa.
I just like details.

So, anyways,
I was at the pub last night,

and one of the bartenders there was
wearing the Aboriginal flag T-shirt.

She wasn't black. I was with
some gubs and they were impressed.

And I was, like, "I don't know."
What do you guys think?

You know what?

I'll allow it.
(SIGHS) Kind of hate it, hey?

Like white people
didn't get enough stealing our land,

they gotta steal our symbols too?

Well, what about Invasion Day?
Is it OK to wear to marches?

I feel like Invasion Day
is like a w*r zone.

You have to wear the colours
you align with.

So gubs can only wear it on the th?
I don't even know then, hey?

Because there are some white people
who always wear the flag T-shirt,

and then people assume
that they're black

and they never think
to correct those people.

Next thing you know, their big heads
are speaking at the next rally.

Everyone loved it
when Damien Leith did it.

I think you mean Ed Sheeran, Tyrone.
Exactly.

When he did it,
he got all these cookies,

and all he did
was wear a flag T-shirt

and make some sad white man music.

Excuse-moi, but I'm pretty sure

you filed Khalid wearing the Koori
flag jumper under 'spank bank'.

Yeah, well, that's different.

How?
Well... he's black.

So it's solidarity between
two oppressed peoples, right?

But when colonisers
like Damien Leith do it...

Ed Sheeran!
Ed Sheeran.

When Ed Sheeran does it,
there's a power imbalance, you know?

Like he gets celebrated
for something we're scorned for.

He gets applauded.

He gets to keep living his life
with no consequences.

But when we do it, we don't even
get let into bars at night.

You just think Khalid's hot.

Yeah. So?

So...

..was the bartender hot?

Uh...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Ah, Edmond.
Terry!

Hey.
How are you, my brother?

Yeah, good, mate. How are you?
I'm deadly.

I'm deadly, cuz!
Take a seat.

Uh, I've been looking over
your spiritual claim

for this financial equinox.

Alright. So, uh, what's the verdict?

Uh, not too bad, not too bad.

I see you gave out
quite a bit of karma last year.

Sure did.
Mmm. So you'll get % back on that.

Whoo-hoo!
And your fluke levy's way under.

So you'll get a few more flukes this
year than you did last year also.

I could use them.

And, because you're covered by
private ancient spiritual coverage,

you'll get a rebate on every
smoking ceremony you've attended.

Yes!
Hey. That was a wise investment.

So, I'm looking good
this year, then?

Uh, she's not all good news,
I'm afraid.

You recently had a sacred service
on a company vehicle?

Yeah. What about it?

Well, all the work can be claimed
except the dreamcatcher.

The... the dreamcatcher?
Yeah.

They changed the rules this year.

You can only hang a dreamcatcher
from the rear-view mirror

if you can prove that you sleep
while you drive.

(SIGHS) Well, how?
Yeah. I know.

Hey. And as usual,
child support gets half your luck.

Yeah. But other than that, mate,
she's looking good.

So, how much am I
getting back this year, then?

Oh...

Since the constitution
still hasn't changed...

Let me have a look.

He-ey, hey! Whoa-oa-oa-oa!

f*ck-all.
f*ck-all?

Mm-hm.
Well, that's great.

Because I thought I was gonna get
a big bill like last year.

Nah, mate, not, eh? If you just,
uh, sign at the bottom of here...

Yeah.
..and we'll get you sorted.

There. No worries, mate.
Thanks for that.

I'll get that lodged
straightaway for you.

No worries.
Too easy.

Alright, Trevor. See you next year.
Yep. I'll see you then.

Ooh!

Hey-ey-ah! (BLOWS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(SIGHS)

Um, excuse me, I...

Oh, sorry.
I think I have the wrong place.

MAN: No, sister.

You're in the right place.

You're gonna love it here.

It's so much fun.

So much bloody fun.

You like scones?

How about picnics?

On the lawn?

You're gonna love it here,
I tell you, love it.

(LAUGHS)

Isn't that right?

(BOTH LAUGH)

You're gonna love it.