33x11 - The Longest Marge

Episode transcripts for the 1989 TV show "The Simpsons". Aired: December 1989 to present.*

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"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
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33x11 - The Longest Marge

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪

(WIND HISSING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Shut up! It's starting!

The Springfield Atoms have earned

the number-one pick
in this year's draft,

after intentionally losing
every game last season.

Nobody tanks like Springfield...

City of Intentional Losers.

(CHANTING): t*nk! t*nk! t*nk!

- And with the first pick
- (CROWD BOOING)

of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...

Grayson Mathers.

(CHEERING)

All right!

HOMER: Yeah! All right!

(WHOOPS)

We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world...

that of a football dynasty.

Let's show Philadelphia what a
real victory riot looks like!

(CLAMORING)

(GRUNTS)

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

What a needless tragedy.

You say our corporate revenue is down?

Well, the losses are all
coming from one division...

your liquor company.

Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy

have reached zero and are
only projected to go down.

Impossible.

Mr. Gentleman is sipped by every trustee

of the Narragansett Whale Oil Concern.

Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.

It's encouraging consuming

as little of the liquor as possible.

Ah. That'll hold me for quite a while.

So, I brought in a branding expert

to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.

These days,

which in the branding business
is called "the present,"

the only liquor brands people care about

are endorsed by big celebrities.

People think, "If I buy this tequila,

then I'm as fun as George Clooney."

Or, "I need to be
more smug and unbearable.

(GASPS) Hey, Ryan Reynolds has a gin."

So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.

But who?

What about Harrison Ford?

- Too Hollywood.
- Dolly Parton?

- Too Dollywood.
- With that, we end the list

of every celebrity who
does not already have

an existing liquor company.

So what we need is
a brand-new celebrity,

one adored by the common man.

CROWD: (CHANTING): Grayson Mathers!

Grayson Mathers! Grayson Mathers!

- (SNAPS FINGERS)
- REPORTER: Grayson!

Grayson, some have dubbed you

"The Savior of Springfield Football".

Isn't that a lot of
pressure for a rookie?

I do me.

If you don't like it, that's on you.

Mm-hmm.

REPORTER : Grayson,
some people are put off

by your tell-it-like-it-is attitude.

What do you say to them?

I'm an open book,

but the media and haters

and people who have
never played the game,

I carry myself with
a certain confidence,

and I don't apologize
for your perception

of statements I did not make,
but stand by.

Truth b*mb.

I sleep at night.

REPORTER : What did you just say?

I do me.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Man, that dude keeps it so real.

He's all, "This is me.

I don't apologize. What up, haters?"

He does him.

I wish I was half as myself as he is.

They adore this pigskin-tossing
football thrower.

He's brash, outspoken,

willfully uninformed.

He has no filter.

In our sanitized, clickbait-ready,

media-driven world,

what people crave is authenticity.

If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.

Now you believe me.

Why didn't you mention
any of this before?

I don't know.

This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.

Smithers, hire him at once.

And get rid of this.

But my metrics!

(THUD)

GRAYSON: I got no problem being me.

Opinions exist.

Think about it.

Do you seriously doubt
I know what I'm like?


And when it comes to brandy,

go ahead and sip.

Me?

I'll chug.

I do me.

You do you...

my way.

Congratulations, my boy.

You are the face of America's
most marked-up trash liquor.

There's one thing that's
unique about me...

I've always admired rich people.

And now I'm getting paid by one.

That's on you.

Aw, come on, Burnsy.

Bring it in.

Yeah. I got you, bro.

♪ ♪

So this is what it feels
like to be brought in.

Cheers!

To the money that comes from business.

To friendship hugs.

(SIGHS) Well,

first game of the season tomorrow,

so I'd better hit the Hay.

That's the name of
the club I'm going to.

Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.

That's where the after-party is.

There he is, kids.

The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,

own several local car dealerships

and host a middling Saturday Night Live.

MARGE: Oh, look at that baby face.

I hope there's no tackling today.

BART:
Babyface looks a little hungover, Mom.

LISA: Geez. He's kind of got

that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.

The icy stare of a born winner?

Yes. That one.

And so begins a new
era in Atoms football.

The golden child's mighty arm

shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.

Hut, hut! Hike!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING, PANTING)

(GROANING)

Oh, God.

(BOOING)

- Get off the field!
- Boo! - You suck!

Oh, my God.

The -year-old I bet
all my happiness on

is nothing but a bust!

Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!

But you were just cheering for him.

You've been talking
about how great he is

every day for months.

But he's sucking.

It's the second-best thing he could do

next to playing great.

(BOOING)

How dare they jeer that boy?

He's like the arrogant,
out-of-control son

I never sent to boarding
school and forgot about.

ANNOUNCER: And Grayson
Mathers has just been benched.


And here comes the Haterade.

Aah!

(BOOING)

Boo an angel, why don't you?

Thunder-stick him!

(GRUNTING)

(BOOING)

There are far worse
things to be buried under.

Launch the souvenir loaded nachos!

Ah. Nothing like a nice
body-temperature bath.

I've never been booed before.

Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans

by dancing on their coach.

Am I, like, a loser now?

If I am a loser,

then maybe I shouldn't be...

- doing me.
- Pish posh.

Doing you is what you do best.

And I'll prove it,

by putting you in front
of an adoring crowd.

Captain Underpants here!

Wimpy Kid!

I got Narnia!

Goosebumps here!

Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work

and being six-foot-four.

Please welcome Grayson Mathers.

(CHEERING)

Your principal brought
me here to tell you

that school is important.

But I got to keep it real.

This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,

and I own three identical Ferraris!

That's wassup!

(CHEERING)

I have a question.

You suck!

You're garbage outside the pocket!

Your average depth of target is a joke.

(CHANTING): Bust! Bust! Bust!

The children are destroying
him with their hot takes!

Bust! Bust! Bust!

Shut up, you stupid kids!

I'm a man! A football man!

All I throw is dimes!

Here's a dime for you!

- A dime for you!
- (KIDS EXCLAIMING)

Nothin' but dimes!

Boom! Dime!

Boom! Dime!

- Oh!
- (HISSING)

The Madagascar hissing
cockroaches are loose!

(KIDS SCREAMING)

♪ ♪

(GROANS)

All I drink is brandy!

My urethra is on fire!

(GROANS)

I heard what you said
about your urethra.

Are you feeling okay?

I'm fine. b*at it, media.

You listen here, young man.

Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior

is no reason to lash out at me.

I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,

and even I've about had it.

Now apologize.

I'm sorry.

Um... ma'am.

Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.

I mean, it doesn't make sense.

I can't stop partying. I barely sleep.

I called Peyton Manning a
chicken-fried Frankenstein

on Twitter.

I-I'm doing me more than ever.

So why don't I play good?

Oh, sweetie.

It sounds like you
just need to slow down.

(SIGHS)

I actually have six identical Ferraris.

I want to own all the blue ones.

(CRYING)

I know what's wrong with you.

Not enough Ferraris.

What this boy needs
is a home-cooked meal

and a good night's sleep.

At my house.

A partnership betwixt a man and a woman

to provide for the
care of a young person.

You supply the nurturing home life,

and I'll be the emotionally-withholding

yet somehow worshipped father figure.

It's a deal.

You're coming home with me.

I really want to,
but I'm kind of supposed to get into it

with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.

I'll call them and
tell them you're sick.

Yo. Two parents and some kids?

This is a straight-up family.

For real.

I guess we are.

So, Grayson,
you just graduated from college, right?

What did you major in?

Oh, they never told me.

(SIGHS) That means communications.

You see, I grew up
on the Florida-Texas border,

where football is king.

One day, I saw this other
baby crawling a post pattern,


and I hit him with my pacifier.

Perfect spiral. yards.

My folks did what any
loving parents would do...


they packed me off to football academy.

I'm real grateful.

If you keep a kid at home till he's two,

it can screw up his development.

Growing up in an
all-football environment


helped me avoid the distractions
that come with being a kid...


friends, laughing, that junk.

For college,
Alabama Tech was an easy choice.


Coach is an amazing recruiter.

You really feel his passion.

Wait, so you never see your parents?

Oh, I see them all the time!

I see them at games,

in documentaries about me,

in the Campbell's Soup commercial

my mom did without my knowledge.

Oh, Grayson,

growing up with nothing but football

can't have been healthy.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, I'm good.

Gimme that back!

Starters eat before scrubs!

Everybody knows that!

(GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

(PANTING)

You know, I'm beginning to
see the appeal of football.

(CHUCKLES) Hit him again!

Kids, behave!

In a family, we do not steal food.

- But...
- No buts.

Just because there aren't
coaches and minders

watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.

In a family, you don't do you.

You do...

others?

And don't you forget it.

Now, boys, clear the table.

Bust. Bust. Bust.

You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?

Maggie loves company.

Um, Mrs. Marge,

do-do you think it'd be all right

if I stayed here for a while?

I've never been around
a real family before.

Of course you can.

You sure? I'm a lot of work.

I need , calories a day or I'll die.

So does my husband, silly.

♪ ♪

_

Wow!

I've never seen such a tiny megachurch.

It's a normal-sized
regular church, Grayson.

Hey, here's a little fuel for
your private jet, Reverend.

When did the faces on the
paper money get so big?

Happy birthday to you!

(CHUCKLES) Wow.

My first birthday party.

I made you a card.

HOMER: We're all playing catch.

You've all given me so much.

I have a family now.

A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish

to be a success.

Huddle up, team.

Feelings on three! One, two, three!

ALL: Feelings!

(SINGSONGY): Who wants presents?

- I do! I do!
- GRAYSON: Ooh, ooh, I do!

- I do! I do!
- Merch!

(CHUCKLES) Try this on, big fella.

(SLURPING)


Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!

I'm so glad you came!

Now it's a party, huh, guys?

Oh, I would never miss the birthday

of football's brashest bad boy.

Now let's head out.

You and I are having
a night on the town.

It's time to party with Brandyman!

Or Do-You-Man?
I'm... Can we decide on a catchphrase?

Catchphrase TBD!

Are you nuts?

You do realize that Grayson has

a career-defining
football game tomorrow.

He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.

You can try out the Silly Soap
I bought. Huh?

All right!

This man plays a game for a living

- and you infantilize him?
- _

Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.

Mark my words.

- ANNOUNCER: Mathers with his fourth touchdown of the day!
- (CHEERING)

And in a never-before-seen move,

the opposing defense
is resigning en masse


to try their luck in the
Canadian Football League.


Good luck, fellas.

There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!

A -point win.

Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.

Just lucky to have great teammates,

what a game plan,

keep my head down and work.

But also the greats who
paved the way in this league.

Where's my bad boy?

Come on, son. Be a sore winner.

Make Daddy proud.

Maybe you could call
the other team soft?

I mean, it's just us reporters here.
No one will know.

No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy

who makes a mother proud.

Are you saying...

you're a mama's boy?

I'm the biggest mama's
boy on the planet!

Mmm. Tastes good.

Marge Simpson, what have you done?

You've ruined our beautiful,
arrogant boy!

Ruined? He's happy now.

What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?

Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.

What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?

Don't listen to him, Grayson.

I'm so sorry I ruined your spokesperson.

He's not just my spokesperson.

He's my spokes-son.

And you stole him from me.

You're so merged with
your own selfishness,

you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.

You're a monster!

And you're winning!

(GRUNTS)

You've got to choose, my boy.

Me or her.

Can't you see you're tearing me apart?!
(SOBS)

I need to grind tape
of blitz protections

against an eight-man box!

(CRYING)

(SIGHS) I haven't heard
from Grayson in days.

Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.

The football world hangs in the balance,

waiting for this rookie
phenom quarterback


to choose between his surrogate parents.

My sources tell me that Mathers
hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns


and that Marge has just
this second finished folding


the sheets Grayson may
never sleep on again.


What sources?

What if I never see my special
big football boy again?

Mom, a fancy invitation came for you.

(GASPS) Grayson sent me a ticket

for the Sports Channel's
annual awards show.

You're going to the Sportswardsies?

That's the one night when pro athletes

finally get to thank their agents.

And Grayson picked me as his plus-one,

not Mr. Burns.

You won!

Motherhood won!

Yippee!

- (WHEEZES)
- (GASPS)

LISA (WHEEZING): All good, all good.

♪ ♪

- You!
- You!

Wait, I'm supposed to be
sitting next to Grayson.

So am I. (SCOFFS) I know
what's happening here.

Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking

we would reach some
sort of rapprochement.

He Parent Trapped us!

Too bad for him...

we're never gonna see eye to eye.

Amen, sister.

A toast to never-ending animosity.

I'll drink to that.

Enemies forever.

Mm. Ah.

The Sportswardsies are starting.

Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?

Look at these categories.

Worst Contract?

Best World Series?

The Donald Sterling Appalling Owner

Lifetime Achievement Award?

James Dolan, James Dolan, James Dolan.

For me, it's all about Best
Stretcher Ride Thumbs-Up.

Most of all, I'd like to thank Gordo,

who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.

Gordo, this is for you, buddy.

ANNOUNCER: When we come back,
the Sportswardsy


for Most Inspiring Athlete.

MARGE: Oh,
he's looking at the wrong camera.

He's such a cutie.

How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,

make this perfect creature?

(SIGHS) I'm a terrible father.

I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.

Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.

Together.

The winner for Most
Inspiring Athlete is...

Grayson Mathers.

- ♪

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You all know I've had some
personal struggles lately.

I was losing the football
game of emotions.

But there's one person
who got me through it.

He's talking about you.

You're the nurturer.

But you're his inspiration.

It's got to be you.

(GROANS)

And that person is...

- my fiancée Kaitlyn!
- (ALL GASP)

The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.

An Instagram model, a YouTube reactor

and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,

the faith-based yogurt
you eat while yoga-ing.

Kaitlyn is so much more than
a business manager to me.

Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!

Hope you can handle total
financial control, baby!

Good news, babe!

You're fighting Floyd Mayweather

on a Valentine's Day pay-per-view!

(WHOOPS)

She's getting me out
of the brandy business,

into something more wholesome, y'all:

our new line of all-ages hard seltzers.

@Katilicious_ ,

I can't wait to marry you.

Tell me there's a prenup.

No prenup! That's how I roll!

Who wants some seltzers?

Dime for you!

And just like that, we've been replaced.

One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures

who are totally reliant on you.

Then, suddenly, it's two weeks later

and they're gone.

ANNOUNCER: When we return,
find out who takes home the Sportswardsy


for Best Press Conference Meltdown

and Most Valuable MVP.

Plus, Cirque du Soleil will reimagine

this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.

Later, it's Least r*cist Team Name

and Coldest Bud Light,

brought to you by Bud Light.

And don't miss Kenny Chesney
and his musical tribute


to the all-time
worst-run vanity charities.


Then, find out which baseball
player will take home


Highest Batting Average.

And five living legends battle it out

for the Most Tone-Deaf
Hall of Fame Speech.


And lots more.

All that when the
Sportswardsies continue.


Shh!
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