02x17 - First Impressions & The Speech and Debate League of Death and Destruction Cross Town expl*si*n Event

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Milo Murphy's Law". Aired: October 3, 2016 to May 2019.*
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"Milo Murphy's Law" follows 13-year-old Milo Murphy, the fictional great-great-great-great grandson of the Murphy's Law namesake.
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02x17 - First Impressions & The Speech and Debate League of Death and Destruction Cross Town expl*si*n Event

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♪ Look at that sun
Look at that sky ♪

♪ Look at my sweater vest
I look so fly ♪

♪ Look at that mailbox
Look at that tree ♪

♪ It's about as beautiful
As it can be ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Today is gonna
Be exceptional ♪

♪ Never boring
Even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Never boring
Even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

[Zack] I got her. I got her. Take that!

[Melissa] I shall resist!

Oh! So much for resisting!

[Milo] Wait, let me... Wait up!

No, no, no, no, no! No! No!

[groans] No!

[sighs in exasperation] One of these days
I'll actually get to finish a game.

Murphy's Law.

Has it always been like this?

Pretty much.

I remember the day when we first met Milo.

It was about years ago.

-[glass shattering]
-[loud crashing]

Sara, is your father home yet?

-Nope.
-Hmm.

Murphy's Law and no Martin.

I guess we're having a boy.

Oops. Right now!

-Sara!
-Yeah, I'm on it.

Call an ambulance.

Aw, Mom.

Oh, hey. How did you and Melissa meet?

-When we first met, it was...
-Harrowing.

I was gonna say first grade, but, yeah.

It was the first day of school,

and I don't mind saying,
I was pretty excited.

I was thrilled at the prospect
of meeting new friends.

I was also a little nervous, too.

I had never really been away
from Mom and Dad before.

But I knew it would be okay,
because I had my backpack.

[barking]

Diogee, go home.

You're not supposed to
be in line for the bus.

[barks]

[whines]

Hi, I'm Melissa Chase, age six.

I'm precocious.

Hi, I'm Milo Murphy.

I'm... hazardous.

We just met, so now we're
gonna be best friends.

We're not best friends
just because we met.

I mean, we're not four.

Okay. How does it work?

Well, best friends share goals and ideals

which they cultivate by
having shared experiences.

Oh, okay.

By the way, I'm noticing
you have a lot of owies.

Yes, I do.

And I earned every one of 'em.

And your backpack is really big.

I need my backpack because of Murphy's
Law.

I have no idea what that means.

Melissa, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

What was that all about?

Oh, that's just Murphy's Law.

Anything that can go wrong around me,
will go wrong.

Uh, Dad?

Diogee.

We're gonna have to keep an eye on you.

[Diogee barks]

Have a seat.

Mm. Might be safer to be over here, then.

Or maybe over here.

Yeah, this is good.

Oh. Okay.

I understand.

[Doofenshmirtz] But it wasn't till I got
outside the photo store

that my life changed forever.

I had a nemesis.

That was how I first met
Perry the Platypus.

So, how did you and that
fussy old guy meet?

It was a long time ago,

in the future.

[announcer] New time agent recruits.

Please select a vehicle
for your driving test.

If you survive today,

you'll get your first assignment and
partners tomorrow.

Thank you.

"The time delineation gear is for quick
trips in local space

"allowing you to move three times faster
than local time."

Ooh! Super speed!

All right, Cavendish. You are on your way
to becoming

a fully fledged time agent.

This deserves a lolly!

Slide over, stretch. I need a ride.

Wait a moment! Who are you?

Is this for me? Thanks!

That's mine!

Ugh! What flavor is this?

Black currant.

I'm not even gonna ask what that is.

-[car powers up]
-Wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing? No, no, no, no.
Wait! Don't!

What. Was. That?

Shortcut through the Mesozoic.

Come on, let's get some burritos.

Tres burritos, Rita.

That means, "Three burritos, Rita."

Great crabknuckles.

You risked our lives for a lousy burrito?

No, no, no. I risked our lives for
an amazing burrito.

So good, it only exists
in this time and place.

You want nachos with yours?

You would make a terrible partner.

Yeah? Oh, I wasn't asking.

So! What've you got in the backpack?

Oh, boy. First day of school.

It's a new day for you, Bradley Nicholson.

This is a small jar of vinegar
and a piece of oak.

-And a big...
-You have a giant hook?

Wow. Way to bury the lede.

There it is, Dad. The Snowflyer . .

I can't wait to get this baby up
on the mountain.

Okay, I can't wait to get Snowflyer
up on the mountain.

So, what'd you use a grappling hook for?

[screams]

Hey. What happened to the bus?

-Murphy's Law.
-Yeah.

He's my...

Oh, Milo Murphy.

I'm not sure I like this.

Don't worry. You'll get used to it.

[jet engine buzzes]

Here. Quick, put this on.

You might need it.

[dolphins clicking]

Well, this is pretty cool.

[Cavendish] It's in the manual.

Page nine, paragraph , line five.

A recruit may not use a company vehicle
for personal use.

There are rules, man.

I know. I just don't
always choose to follow them.

When we get back to our own time,

I will be reporting you
to the proper authorities.

Not everything's in the manual.

Sometimes you gotta improvise
when the unexpected happens.

Like that.

Oh, no! Those kids need help!

Come on. Let's role.

What are you doing?

Yeah, that looked a lot cooler in my head.

[jet engine buzzes by]

Oh, no. We're going to lose them.

Not if I can help it.

[Cavendish] Now they're going too fast.

What're we gonna do?

And now they're airborne.

Wait. We'll use the time delineation gear.

-The what now?
-It's the time delineation gear.

It allows you to move three times faster
than local time.

That is in the manual.

[slow violin music playing]

Hang on.

Woo-hoo!

We're actually driving on water.

Yeah, I bet that wasn't in your manual.

-Hey, you got 'em?
-Got 'em.

[brakes screech]

Boss, take it outta gear!

Take it outta gear!

[both screaming]

That was amazing.

[children laughing]

So, Murphy's Law.

Things happen and you
just have to roll with it?

Well, yeah, that's pretty much it.

Cool. I'm in.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I mean, it was scary at first,

but you made it look so easy.

-You mean it?
-Yeah.

You're really nice, Milo.

So, does this mean we can be friends?

After that ride?

We're gonna be best friends.

Oh, Milo Murphy.

Wow, you really do make
a terrible first impression.

-He does.
-I do.

[Doofenshmirtz] Oh, so that's
how you met Cavendish.

Yeah, that was a cool story, bro.

Uh, I'm not done.

What, you're not?

'Cause you just saved a bunch of kids,
I just assumed it was...

Okay, okay, I'm sitting back down.

So, let me tell you
what happened the next day.

[Mr. Block] Come in already.

Okay, let's see what we got here.

Recruit No. , Cavendish.

This is your new partner,

Vinnie Dakota.

-Hoo boy.
-It's you.

Wait a minute,
do you two know each other?

Here it comes.

I'll tell you exactly
what I know about this man.

When someone is in trouble,

he's a good man to have around.

Balthazar Cavendish,

pleased to make your acquaintance, sir.

Pleased as well.

-And thanks.
-Don't mention it.

I won't

Although I might. Later.

I'm sure you will.

Whatever. Get out of my office.

And that's how Cavendish and I
became partners.

Wow, my story was totally better.

-It's not a contest.
-No, no, I mean...

But if it was, you know...[chuckles]

Winner!

♪ It's my world
and we're all livin' in it ♪

This is Chad reporting for the Jefferson
G. County School Channel.

It's only eight hours till tonight's
Speech and Debate

League of Death and Destruction

Crosstown expl*si*n Event.

So preparations are underway.

[Zack] Milo, isn't this speech and debate?

Why is there a wrestling ring here?

After all the excitement of
Athledecamathlon and Cake 'Splosion,

most scholastic competitions

have added an athletic element.

There's Melissa and her team practicing.

Pro, con.

Practice topic is, "Running water
on your toothbrush

"before you brush them." Go!

Pro, getting your toothbrush wet first

makes the toothpaste stick.

Con.

The water softens the bristles
so they don't clean as well.

Wow. I had no idea speech and debate
was like this.

It really got my heart rate
up to aerobic levels.

And I was just watching.

That's the idea, actually.

We've been training for months.

Yes, months.

And Milo's mere presence,
here at this practice,

could blow the whole thing.

-Aw, come on, Bradley.
-[cloth tearing]

-[both scream]
-[crashes]

See?

Milo, Zack, please.

I need you two to fill in on the team.

Gee, I don't know, Melissa.

Arguing just doesn't
come naturally to me.

Yeah, it does.

No, it doesn't.

-Yeah, it does.
-No, it...

Oh...[chuckles] Hey.

I'll take that as a "yes."

[springs creaking]

If you don't mind,

please get Milo as far away as possible.

Like, Alaska.

-[blows whistles]
-All right, boys,

in each debate, one of us gets the pro
side and one gets the con,

but you'll need to do it using your body,
not just your mouth.

Points are distributed for verbal acuity
as well as physical technique.

Let's get to work.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Oranges have more vitamin C.

Cats are more self-sufficient.

But dogs can fetch your slippers.

Sports montages are overused.

But they're an economical way to further
the story... [grunts]

-Yes
-No.

-Yes.
-No.

Golf's not a sport, it's a pastime.

I agree.

[Zack] Country music
is better than western music.

I did not know there was a difference.

You guys ready?

Seems like we've been training for days,

but it's only been minutes.

I'm still not sure I got enough
practice debates in.

You got this, Milo.

We got this. Now, let's
get into character.

[crowd cheering]

Hello, all of you

tuning into Jefferson G.
County School TV,

and welcome to today's
speech and debate event.

Joining me is my fellow judge Mr. Drako.

Good evening, debate-wrestling fans.

And our guest host for this evening,

Coach Nolan Mitchell.

It's Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan,
thank you very much.

Oh...[chuckles] the air in here
is electric.

Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan
is super excited

about tonight's event.

Okay, coach.

For you viewers out there,
I guess it's not hard to tell

whose idea this incredibly
expensive event was.

Thank goodness we started
to sell ads on this channel.

[announcer reading]

Extreme! You'll never sleep again!

I'm sure there are better ways
to spend this money.

If the vampire here got to blow up

the sports field for his event,

Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan
can have this.

Geez, Nolan, bring it down a bit.

-All right.
-And refereeing tonight's event

-is our own shop teacher Mr. Menke.
-[crowd cheering]

First up from Jefferson G.,
they're smart and crazy.

Put your hands together for

Intellectual Insanity Plea.

[coach Mitchell] Please welcome

-the Melissanator!
-[crowd cheering]

[Mr. Drako] Beware the Zack
att*ck, ha-ha-ha.

[crowd cheers]

[Murawski] And finally,

hmm, Milo Murphy.

-Uh-oh.
-Yeah, are we at a safe enough distance?

Murphy! He's planning on bringing

the awe and destruction of Murphy's Law.

If I was the other team,

I'd expect pain.

Hmm, that goes for anyone
in this building, actually.

I, uh... Maybe this was a bad idea.

[starting bell tolls]

Did it just get cold in here?


[Murawski] And now, prepare yourself

for the nightmare-fueled world
of Los Debators Gigantes.

[Mr. Drako] Bow down
to Infinitive Splitter.

Whoa.

Don't let them intimidate you,

They're trying to get into your heads.

-[howls]
-[crowd cheering]

[man shouting]
Oh my goodness, what?

Too late, they're in.

They're in.

[Murawski] Back from the grave,
to carry you off to yours,

The Retorter.

[cheering]

[Mr. Drako] And finally,
there is no mercy from

La Locutora.

Hi, nice to see you guys again

I really love your outfit.

You're going down, Murphy.

I'm not really sure how this all works.

Stop being so nice.

-[opening bell rings]
-[crowd cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

[Mr. Drako] First debate, "Front lawns,

"Right or reckless?"

Infinitive Splitter,
you have the pro argument.

[clangs]

A well-manicured lawn can increase kerb
appeal and property values,

which contribute to a healthy local
economy.

-Oh!
-[cheering]

He opens with a verbal clothesline.

A lawn converted
into a front vegetable garden

could provide food
for your family and friends

and there is no greater value than that.

-Boom!
-[cheering]

Suplex to the brain!

[Zack and Milo] Yeah!

Okay, debate number two,

"Boy bands, blessing or blight?"

-Seriously?
-[funky music playing]

Oh no.

Coach Grab-Big-Bowl-o-Nolan knows
that music.

-♪ Murray the Middleman ♪
-It's Murray the Middleman,

-the Middletown School mascot.
-[crowd booing]

-He buys product from wholesalers
-♪ Murray the Middleman ♪

and then sells them
to retailers at a hefty price.

-What's he doing here?
-Who knows?

Back to round two, "Boy bands."

The Retorter will kick us off.

Boy bands are a joke,

the kids have no real talent.

The Retorter is raising them
over his mental hand.

The songs are paper-thin, radio-bait

and like losers...

Could it be?

They always peak early.

-Yes!
-[crowd cheering]

The zombie lands the power slam! Ouch.

Well, the joke's on you, Retorter,

boy bands are a great proving ground
for young talent,

plus their images have improved
teen magazine sales by %,

thus stimulating the national economy.

And Zack att*ck has landed a stunner
on that zombie,

and this crowd is eating it up.

Wait! What is Murray the Middleman up to?

Murray's distracting the ref

with a sale of referee jerseys.

[crowd groans]

-[whistle blows]
-Out of bounds.

[Mr. Drako] Five points.

What!

Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan
doesn't like this one bit.

How could Murray the Middleman
get away with it?

Where did that come from? Is it...

Yes!

The Janitor is in the house!

-Ha!
-[crowd cheering]

How are those profits
looking now, Middleman?

Drako, trade seats with me.

Sorry about that, guys.

It's all right, Zack,
we have several rounds to go.

[energetic music playing]

[man] ♪ You've done your best
To prepare for this ♪

♪ You were training
Like a man possessed ♪

♪ You've been worn down,
Dragged down ♪

♪ Poked, prodded,
Pushed and pressed. ♪

♪ The training regimen
Is quite confusing ♪

♪ It sets your brain
And body back to using ♪

♪ You put your battle-strength ♪

♪ And arguments
And reasoning to the test ♪

♪ It's a proven test
Of dying will ♪

♪ It's just a bunch
Of unrelated skills you're utilizing ♪

♪ The future debating
Is death and destruction ♪

♪ Across town to start a debate ♪

♪ Defend your argument ♪

♪ Defend your argument ♪

♪ Defend your argument! ♪

♪ So if you wanna
Take home the prize ♪

♪ Defend your argument ♪

[clangs]

[Melissa] It's the last round.

Now it's up to you, Milo.

Our final topic today,

"Winning awards
or participation trophies?"

Los Debators Gigantes won the coin toss,

and has selected "winning."

[The Retorter] We're all about winning!

You are definitely going down, Jefferson.

[gulps]

And this last showdown for the win

will be a cage match!

[crowd cheering]

Ooh, this is so cool.

Ugh.

Wait, Milo.

The fact that you even agreed to do this

and all the crazy events we've been
through together tonight,

has made me see that the win
isn't what's important.

This. This is important.

Being in a cage match with those crazy
Middletown kids?

No, spending time with my friends.

Ow, thanks.

Thank's, Melissa.

[cage mechanism cranking]

[Mr. Drako] Los Debators Gigantes,
you're up first.

Begin.

Winning is everything.

Without a winner, how can there be goals
for students to strive for?

Participation trophies
only encourage mediocrity.

Vicious intellectual piledriver.

She mentally climbed that cage

and brought down her full fury
on Murphy's brain.

Can he recover?

Oh, for crying out loud.

And now Milo will make his final argument.

I would like to start off

by saying what a good job you and your
team have done tonight.

-What?
-Murphy is staggering

to his mental feet, but clearly he's
still stunned.

Participating with your friends
is what's important,

not winning.

I'm just glad
I had the opportunity to try.

-Oh, my word!
-[crowd gasps]

Murray the Middleman
was hiding under the ring!

He's in the cage and attacking the ref!

What can anyone do?

Every time you have to
label someone a winner,

you're labeling the rest losers,

and no one here today is a loser.

Except you guys, Murphy.

[Coach Mitchell] It's The Janitor,

and he's got the key to the cage!

Oh, thank goodness!

Just by participating, I've already won.

If I had my way,

everyone here in this gym tonight

would get a participation award.

[Coach Mitchell] Oh, Middleman!

[Milo] In fact,

I'd be fine forfeiting
so you can have the win.

You're gonna forfeit?

Oh no, you don't get to be the better man,

I'm twice as good as you.

I'm forfeiting twice as hard.

[blows whistle]

[Mr. Drako] Murphy's done it!
Jefferson wins!

Jefferson wins!

This slipped into utter nonsense,

I'm not even sure
what I'm still doing here.

[grunting]

Bill, Stan, this was
a lot of fun tonight.

-Thanks for doing this.
-Hey, no problem.

The superintendent!

-Another wrestler?
-No,

that's the school's actual superintendent.

None of this was approved.

We might be in a lot of trouble here.

♪ It's my world
and we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Go, Milo
Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Oh, thanks, everybody
That is so motivational ♪

♪ Go, Milo
Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, I'm not sitting here
Watching the world turn ♪

♪ You know I'd rather spin it ♪

♪ Go, Milo
Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪
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