06x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hello, Kath.

Why don't you come inside and cool off?

We've got a fan.

I don't mind if I do.

Now, that's thoughtful.

Keeping the customers cool.

The interest of the customer
is always paramount.

Now, where did you learn to lie
like that and look so honest?

Some say it's a gift.
How's your Eric?

He's still trying to rekindle
the excitement of our earlier years.

What, on a Tuesday?
Can't he wait until the weekend?

He'll be waiting longer than that.

Well, I'm glad you called in
because these are on special offer.

No, not to be repeated...

Hot from the pan.
Where do you want it?

Oh, yes.

Just here.
Hang it over this grill here.

I've got the feeling I'm an innocent
party in one of your schemes.

Watch and learn.
This is called proactive grocery.

Have you got any salad?

That's a low down sneaky thing to do.

That Madge says I've got to slim.

Will that be before or after
the bacon butty?

- After.
- Okay, well...

I don't want that bit.

No, this is for display purposes only.

Leroy, go and make Gastric
a fresh bacon butty.

Sit.

This place smells of yesterday's bacon.

Sold a few bacon butties, though, didn't we?

You won't sell much this morning
with the place smelling like this.

There you are.
It now smells...

"mountain fresh with added Aloe vera".

And yesterday's bacon.

Now, don't you start.

What is it?

It's mountain fresh with added Aloe vera.

And yesterday's bacon.

What would you like, Mr Newbold?

Mrs Rossi.

I mean, tomato puree.

Why would I say Mrs Rossi?

We do.
We frequently do.

You're up and about early.

It's a bad morning for
lingering about the house.

Oh, dear. What is it?
The wife again?

The woman is a genius at silent disapproval.

And she ain't too bad at full volume either.

Don't look at me for sympathy.

You don't know what trouble is until
you've been invaded by Mrs Featherstone.

You'd be in experienced hands, Mr Newbold.

She's had three husbands.

And look what happened to them.

All dead.

It's beginning to look
like the only way out.

You know what?

We've been overlooking the pulling
power of the attractive scent.

I think that's how Mr Newbold feels
since he discovered Mrs Rossi.

Has he discovered Mrs Rossi?

I'm not saying he's planted his flag.

Well, I don't like him
straying from Mrs Featherstone.

I mean, if she loses him,
she sets her sights back on me.

I think you'd make a lovely couple.

Give over.
Not even in jest.

The Black Widow and the Grasping Grocer.

Who'll never be found grasping
the Black Widow.

I've seen you struggling with her.

Only to escape.

She's got a fiercer grip
than Audrey Hackett.

Who's Audrey Hackett?

Audrey Hackett, inventor of the Hackett grip.

She was Yorkshire
Freestyle Champion Man Mauler.

What?

How would you like to stop ironing
and just...

waste the rest of the day?

Oh, Eric, get real.

Just thought I'd ask.

You know, in case you were too shy
to make the first move.

You think I'm too shy?

Actually, I think you've got more gob
on you than most people could handle.

- But...
- But can you handle it?

I'm the man.

Who would you turn to if we were in danger?

Well, it wouldn't be you,
cos you'd be at your mother's.

Don't you ever wake up and think,
"What a great day for making love...

outdoors, on a blanket"?

I did, actually.

Only last Wednesday.

You never said.

Well, you were at your mother's.

Anyway, we haven't got a waterproof blanket.

Signature required.

Oh, you can't write on them things.

Just do it.
Nobody cares.

Whatever happened
to copperplate handwriting, eh?

Whatever happened to tips?

Yes.

What rubbish have you bought now?

New extension to our catering arm.

- We've got a catering arm?
- Yes, we have now.

There it is.

One commercial six-slice sandwich toaster.

It's an old, probably second-hand,

commercial six-slice sandwich toaster.

Fully reconditioned at the factory.

The Kalamistan People's Republic
Number Factory.

Death to capitalism.

Never beaten on price.

There you are, see?
Good as new, eh?

Right, well, you'd better see if it works.

Look, that's enough of the pessimism.

I've told you,
it's been right back to the factory.

It's fully reconditioned.

Now, switch that on there,

and there's a button on the front here,
like that, you see?

Now...

Do you think it's supposed to do that?

Don't try and talk me out of it.
I want no arguments.

I need a makeover.

You'll get no arguments from me.

But you always have the same old style.
Boring but respectable.

Not any more.

There are some hormones round
here need shaking up.

Mr Newbold.

You see, you recognise the description.

It is time to kick-start his playtime motor.

They usually need it slowing down.

Yeah, not Mr Newbold.

If he goes any slower, he'll be
indistinguishable from stationary.

What kind of makeover have you got in mind?

I'm only a small business.

Well, respectable but seductive.

Nothing overexciting.

I don't want him pawing and panting.

But I'm determined to stir some reaction.

How seductive?
It's a big jump from stamp collecting.

Ah, they soon pick it up.

What have you got for
jump-starting the over- s?

What are we talking? Suitable for
beginners or fasten your seat belts?

Try me.

How long's Gastric going to take to
fix the electrics?

Give him a chance.

It's Kalamistan wiring he's fiddling with.

Yeah, people are going to think
that we're shut.

You'd better get out there
and tell them we're still open.

I'm not going out there.

All right, all right.
No, perhaps you're right.

I'll need you
in here to, you know, watch them.

Watch them for what?

For shoplifting.
Look at the place.

It's full of dark corners everywhere.

It's a pilferer's paradise.

- Are you open?
- Yes, yes, sir we are.

Do come in.
What can I get you?

I'm just looking, thanks.

Yeah, okay.
Thank you.

All right, go on.
Follow him.

- Follow him where?
- Follow him everywhere. Go on.

You didn't sell him anything, did you?

They all look like decapitated guitarists.

Well, have you decided
what's your favourite tune?

I think a black one.

Are you sure about black?
You're always in black.

Well, I've buried three husbands.
It saves so much time.

Well, there's no doubt that black suits ya.

Then let's go more black.

Black to die for.

And they do.

If they can't stand the heat,
they shouldn't be near the flame.

Poor Mr Newbold.
A reluctant moth.

Ah, no, I wouldn't say reluctant.

I think he daren't believe I'm his to handle.

Oh, when I say handle,
of course, I don't mean handle.

Have you decided on this one, then?

Yes. I think a touch of the Spanish look.

A hint of flamenco.

Rose between your teeth.

Oh, no, I daren't overdo it.

He's scarcely ready for the simple
cotton nightie.

Although, if I am going to be a sex b*mb...

I may as well go nuclear.

About time.

Just...
Where did he come from?

You should have stopped him
and searched him.

You can't just search people.

Well, of course you can.

If you do it causally, like as
if you're just brushing them down.

You know, like this.
You just go, there we are, sir.

Just a moment.
Just wanting to check there.

Check at the back.
You see?

There. I've changed the plug
on the toaster, mended your fuse.

You'll be fine now.

Oh, I found this p piece.

I knew you'd be grieving for it.

You don't think I worry about every
p piece, do you?

You what?

I bet you can tell him
exactly when you lost it.

November th, , . .

Welcome back, you little devil.
Missed you.

Oh, I could use one of those toasted
sandwiches you've been promising.

Right, they're on their way.
You're at the start of something big.

It's easy.

When you see Mrs Rossi coming,
you go out there and you charm her.

With some of the chat-up lines
we've been feeding you.

I don't know why you think I'm
so taken with her.

All I said was I thought
she looked attractive.

Well, she does.

And I said so in my sleep.

And now the wife thinks that
I'm involved with Mrs Rossi.

You keep away from Mrs Rossi.

Come on.
Dazzle.

Give her some smooth.

Remember, you've been coached by the best.

But slow down once you've got her dominated.

Remember, she's just a

fragile, feminine flower.

Fragile feminine flower?

- Don't you wish they were?
- Mr Newbold.

How nice.

Know what you mean.

Mrs Rossi, you look...

I'm told you're very shy.

Yes.

I haven't seen you in the library.

That's only because you weren't
there when I went looking.

- You've been looking?
- Oh, yes.

I mean, I'll stop immediately
if that disturbs you.

No.

I'd hate you to think I was pushy.

Perhaps a little pushy.

Quick, through here.

And they said you were shy.

Is the big boy in?

Tell him some babe is out here,
wanting to see him.

He's just adjusting his toaster.

He wants toast?

Tell him he should catch me while I'm hot.

Well, what do you think, kid?

Oh, you can't ask a man.

They just tell you what you want to hear.

Do you think this will
get his motor running?

Well, Mrs Featherstone, I think you look...

Well, don't rush it.
Take your time.

Very striking.

What, like some old clock?

Well, that's hardly the effect I'm after.

It could be worse.
I'd grab it while it's on offer.

Let's come back later.

We don't want to lose
the element of surprise.

Right, come with me.

Now, it occurred to me
that you ought to be made aware

of the advantages of knowing the
back-door route into my premises.

Sounds a bit sneaky.

You're right, absolutely.
Got it in one.

Although I have to admit to no
serious objections to a bit of sneaky.

Am I awful?

You are the least awful person that I know.

- Right...
- But sneaky.

Hello, sneaky.

Hello, Granville.

I must say, I've found you to be
rather forceful.

I'm sorry about that.

Don't be.
I was quite impressed.

Really?

And here we are in my private quarters.

Away from prying eyes...

Usually.

Ah, Granville, we were just taking
refuge from Mrs Featherstone.

Oh, can't argue with that.

And I was just going to show
this young lady my new toaster.

She's go...

I see you've met.

Leroy, would you show Mr Newbold
and Mrs Rossi to safety?

As I want to show this young lady
how to work my toaster.

Leroy, you've been very
understanding about our...

I've been there.

It makes for rather interesting shopping.

Hi, Beth.
Excuse me.

Have you seen where he keeps the cat litter?

Don't tell me shy.

Mrs Featherstone?

Underneath all this glamour, yes, it is.

You've changed...

- your make-up?
- Oh, not only that, dear.

This is the new
gets-into-every-corner model.

Do you like it?

It's different.

Different? Yes, of course it's different.
That's the point.

I have been told there is a hint of Madonna.

Madonna?

When she was younger, of course.

Why is it always about Ruby?

You're looking good, Mavis.

Maybe I should always come in the back way?

Any way, any time.

You never showed me the toaster.

Oh, well, you know,
forget about the toaster.

Oh, there you go, you see.

A failed toaster.

No.

Oh, your Madge is coming.

Oh, she can't find me here.

I told her I was going to see Mrs Bentley.

Oh, well, pop behind the counter.

Go on.
I'll get rid of her.

Oh, you're very cool in emergencies.

I like that in a person.

- It's crowded.
- What do you mean, it's crowded?

Trust me, it's crowded.

Is Mavis here?

Does it look as if Mavis is here?

Now it's crowded.

Granville?

If you're in there, opportunity knocks.

In technicolour.

That's it.
I think we're Featherstone free.

Hey, up.

Hello?
Shop?

Good day to you, madam.

How may we help?

May we interest you in a toasted sandwich?

He's got a nice face.

He still looks like a dweeb.

A gentle creature, Ruby.

A male with sensitivity.

But where's his muscle tone?

You can build it as you get to know him.

The new catering arm.

Got to keep ahead of the game.

It's all right.
It'll pop up when it's toasted.

Yes, coming.
Just a minute.

She's too fierce for me.

Willis, you need a girl who can
handle your mother.

You are not going to tell my mother.

No.
You are, sooner or later.

Well, maybe Ruby won't like me.

Don't do that.
Don't talk yourself down.

Well, I don't.

Mother usually does that for me.

He's tricky.

He's going to try and make Ruby dislike him.

Won't be hard.
That's a default position.

Why doesn't he like her?

I think he would, if he dare.

You're losing me.

The way he sees it, it's easier to
get rid of Ruby than have to

tell his mother that he's
acquired a girlfriend.

He doesn't deserve Ruby.

Nobody deserves Ruby.

What do you mean, we're not
right for each other?

I'm not being dumped by some
muppet named Willis.

No offence, but you're not my type.

You don't have a type.
You've just got your mother.

Well, you're not her type either.

Oh, you let her choose your women?

She is one.
She knows 'em better.

What is it you don't like about me?

I bruise easily.

Well, sometimes it's worth it.

You liked that, didn't ya?

Right, where do you want it?

Just here, on the counter.
Proudly.

Let it advertise itself, you know?

Tasty toasted sandwiches.

I could m*rder a toasted bacon butty.

You usually do.

Anyway, listen,
I've got some here, already made up.

What we'll do, we'll pop a couple in,

and let the odour circulate.

There.

If that Madge happens to ask you...

My lips are sealed.

I'll slim in-between meals.

It's only me.

But the new me.

The new available for parties
are you ready for it me.

Here's the man who needs to see the new me.

How's this for hot stuff?

Oh, flippin' 'eck.

Never thought I'd be glad
the place was full of smoke.

Talk about swimming with sharks.

She nearly got me by the freezers.

I had to dodge back smartly
round today's offers.

The woman has a grip worse
than my money belt.

Ah, well, another day,

another thread in the rich retail tapestry.

Goodnight, Kalamistan.

Home of the people's toaster.

Ye Gods.
It's at it again.